Margm

Thanks Joyce. I have to hook up some things in the apartment and Billy has always been my "hooker" so it looks like this old dog will learn a new trick or two. Got a new futon and dining set for the apartment, drop leaf table, small. Got a full week filled up until the 21st, then will go back to Arkansas and try to finish up. Fixing to so take care of my mom for the evening. Marty, you would get a kick about my machinations to get it here. I'm the type of person who will no through Texas from Louisiana to get to Mississippi. I have a new vacuum cleaner I did not know how to empty. I found out by touching a lever and pouring dirt (full canister) all over my shoes and the kitchen floor. Relatives staying in my house had cleaned the floors. It was full of dirt. Used my old one to clean it up. I think this old hound dog can still chase a stick (unless they throw it in the water).

I'm sorry, I don't know how to put things on here. I think if you know one iota of how to find things you can go to this. Maybe Marty will put it on correctly. Again, I am sorry. But, I enjoyed this article. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. If it will not allow you to go straight to it, you can copy it and read it if you want to. I am putting it on here because I hog enough space on this forum as it is. As screwed up as I get with pasting and copying, I might have put this in 100 different places. Anyhow, I liked it, maybe you will also. http://new.www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/stages-of-grief_b_4414077.html

Gwen, that's neat.. Grief made me lose weight, still have the grief but able to eat again, and again, and again.

I'm sorry CK, no fast cure, But this is just my opinion, I think you need new friends. People on here understand. Honestly though, I might have gotten a barb or two along the past eight months, but none as bad as yours. We don't talk to each other like that. Talk about Charlie all you want to with us. Just keep reading and sharing. Wish we had a magic cure, a time machine, but all we have is a life minus one mate. None of us can cure any of our problems, we can share though. And, unless you live in town and you have to mow your yard, seems like a good way to hide from those neighbors. I hate to say welcome, but we are friends.

Girls, even you have to admit three half gallons in three nights was a little much. But, I won't give it up. It is on my diet.

Okay Marty, I have a new lease on life. I am giving up my three half gallons of sea-salt caramel ice cream and I am gonna start taking care of myself. (No kidding you all, need to try this stuff). Well, maybe not. I guess I better not mention old. I really was not old until last year.

WK: I need this place. I am addicted to the help I receive from here. I have come upon the idea that one day I might not need to come here and I take a Xanax when I think something like that. If for no other reason than there are people here that need the same help that I do, people that are suffering and I think, it must be "normal' in the terrible sense of normal grief. And, I realize "normal" is only a place on a washing machine. We help each other. And yes, I admit, I had a plan for suicide right after Billy left. I told him I could not live without him. I did not plan on living without him. I'm old, I am expendable, I would be grieved for but the double grief would get over with and they would live their life. But, there is one life involved in all of this that has had our help for nearly 17 years and in my grief I forgot about her. I have a reason to be here. We all do. I signed on here three days after Billy left me. It was here for a reason. And it is here for you too. Good people.

Mitch, this is one lesson I have to learn.

Okay WW, you got it down. We all have different ways we honor/remember our mates. Before Billy left, I knew I would RV and visit all the places we were planning on visiting. It was something I would do to honor him. If it had been me, his plans were to do the same. Then the disaster struck. I still planned to follow through. It hit me at some point that I could never do any of the things we planned to do together. We were not together. Holding his wooden urn up and overlooking the Gila Wilderness threw me into such depression I knew I could not climb out of. So, I will do the last thing Billy would have done. I will move into an apartment.. I am a gypsy, not by birth, but owning a house, the responsibilities involved, the more than 2000 feet to roam around in, this is my worse nightmare to live without my Billy. I was not old before Billy left. Now I am everyone's worry. Cannot get Mama on the phone, cannot know where Mama is, I am my kids nightmare and they are mine. I babysat my mom last night. She was on Haldol. She did not know I was there. You wonder if there are things worse than death. One thing is living without our mates. Another is living like my mom does, on Haldol to calm her Alzheimer's. For those that have to live this very day as a reminder of it being your mates birthday, the anniversary of their death, or some other memorial day, I am so sorry. We have Father's Day coming up. Billy the Kid was lavished with gifts on that day. He even told everyone what he wanted ahead of time. I had a father also. Neither are here. We do what we have to do. I wonder what Billy would want. I don't know.

Rdowns: It took me a long time to quit blaming myself. I blamed myself over things I had no control over. It was hard to do, but I put the "moving pictures" out of my mind and knew my beloved did not want me to remember him like that. You have come to a good place. There are good people here. My kids both have bipolar and I have read every book available. We have had some tough times. Please, I wish you peace. I know with such a big family you will have lots of distractions and it is hard to find time for yourself. I have not found the solution to that yet.

Don't expect you all to read my Paths post, but you gotta see the picture posted.

And "WW" we have got this. After they load those Depends on us, it might slow us down but WW and SW will keep on flying.

Mitch, that is all of our mantra's. "The main thing holding us back from progressing is ourselves." Don't we hate to admit that? I cannot say I have given up on my pity parties. I do them mostly on my way to take care of mama. I am by myself in the truck, I cry and say "What can I do Billy, I don't know how to do anything." I cry a few seconds and then I say "Stupid woman, Billy cannot help you, but if he could he would." It is up to me. I don't like it. What does that country song say?? "I don't like it but it sometimes happens that way."

I don't remember when I started this topic. I finally found it again, but I won't go back and read what I have written. Where ever I was when I started it, I am not there now, but again, I am still there and probably always will be, I just cannot visit some things over and over.. I cannot pass a rock or stone anywhere that Billy was not with me. I am him, he is me, so I guess we are still together. I have many, many responsibilities. These were shared. No longer shared physically, mentally they are still shared. I am him, he is me. Yes, at times I doubt my sanity. Even doubting that though, I know I am sane or I would not hurt so much. I don't have Billy to share this with anymore and sometimes my mind is so selfish, so full of my own problems that I have a hard time seeing other people have worse problems than I have. Yes, he was the most important person ever in my life. Forgetting him is impossible, he is still with me in everything I do. I fuss at him because he does not talk to me. I might not be able to hear him, I just have to carry on as if he is me. Father's Day is up next. Then comes birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and finally the one year mark. Hettie my neighbor mentioned one day that it was five years since Loyal had passed away. I told her it did not seem so long. I visit Hettie often when I am at the Arkansas home. Her Bible is open next to her chair. Another is open on the table, and I am sure she has one open by her bed. We look for peace where ever we can find it. The shooting in Orlando leaves many grieving people. We in this country welcome people from other countries, otherwise why would most of us be here? People in some countries outright put to death gay people. I will tell you something you might not know about me. There are stories behind all of this, too long to account. My daughter is gay, she lives with a transgender person. This person and I talked once about Bruce Jenner. I asked questions of this transgender extension of my family and we both got so confused we just laughed. I have a nephew who is a real queen. I have a sister that is bi. She once told me she felt she had the best of both worlds.. I thought about this, in fact, with as many gays in my family, or "bi's" I have to think about this. My husband and I both do not believe in marriage except between man and woman.. But in putting that statement, we both believed that people that "set up house" and live as partners, they should have equal rights. We know couples of same sex that have been together for years and years. I can thank God for this, if this is a gene that is inherited (and some will disagree with me), anyhow I did not inherit that gene. Until you have this in your family, until you learn acceptance and know you would not turn your back on friends or family, then you will not understand anything I write about this.. A woman turned her back on her gay daughter. The daughter took her own life since she felt she had sinned against her religion, and her family. This woman now holds talks about parents accepting the difference we have never understood, will never understand, but will have to accept. If you do not accept this as part of life, then how will you ever accept death as part of life too. You do not agree? That is okay. You don't have to. I have to accept things some of you will not accept, even if you have it in your family. I do it because I love my family. They give me fits. They give me problems that make my poor old brain wish it could escape. I cannot escape until it is time. And, like Billy, the most precious person in my life, I will follow him in time. Until then I will have strife and my brain will fight against my body that wants to run. I celebrate his life. I do not celebrate his death. He would not want me to remember my last view of him and my brain, in all of its short circuited parts, it allows me to forget my last view of this wonderful person that did light up my life. And every person on here, the person they lost was the most important person in their life. Unfortunately, we are left behind and we have to make the best path we can to honor them. We all walk it together, but sometimes we cannot see each other. I wish I was the kind of person that remembers. Some things I don't want to remember though. Sometimes my mind is kind to me.

Yes, it is Kevin. My friends are all, well most all, not up to the bawdy humor of things like "Frankie and Grace" and actually do not follow-up on some of my choices. I'm sorry. What I think is so funny, they disapprove of. I loved the Bad Boys movies. Laughter is a very good medicine.

Mitch, I wish you peace. I wish us all peace.

I'm terribly sorry Mitch. You are a very caring person. . Again, I am sorry.

Marty, if I go to a psychiatrist, he is going to refer me to a grief counselor. I know you won't accept the honor/weight of my decision, but I have my grief counselor. I do know if I go to a psychiatrist/grief counselor, I can only trust one that has been through the flame himself. Do not think I am a novice. I know counselors, I know psychiatrists, I know pastors. I also know when I have to gut up. I have too much to contend with right now. Yesterday I was expected to make sure everyone had food, including my mom and sister. And my weakness told me to run. If I run my mom will be taken care of, my daughter will be taken care of by a very caring partner. My son has to learn to take care of himself and his "family." He does not want to leave me thinking he owes it to his father. I have had to assure him I will be fine. I hope he will be. My granddaughter is the one who needs me. For that reason I cannot give in to my weaknesses. I have to gut up, find my inner strength. This Superwoman does not wear Depends yet. I can do it. I can do my "talking therapy" to likeminded people on this forum. I am human and get tired.. I did get scared yesterday. If not for my granddaughter, I was ready to run. I made plans. She is one responsibility I cannot run from. Billy and raised her and I won't let her down. Her mom cannot do things for her and because of mental problems, my daughter realizes this. My granddaughter wants to be with me and it caused hard feelings, anxiety for my granddaughter and myself. With my daughter's real illness, I think my granddaughter being with me is a relief for everyone. She will be 18 in two weeks over a year. I think I can get her prepared. I just have to live.

I did. come close to possibly losing "it" today, enough so that I will see about seeing a profesional.. I had moments of real fear. I.really have more responsibiities right now than my brain can handle and I was truly scared. I will let you know.

Bill, we have all shared, and what it comes down to is we have lost the biggest part of ourselves. Billy would say I was him and he was me. The only difference is, I can see me, but I had rather see him. Welcome to our forum where we all suffer together.

I think I finished off three half gallons of a new (to me) ice cream. I think it is sea salt caramel.. I ate them fast, because if I hadn't, someone else would have. (That is a family joke.)

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” ~ Pema Chödrön I woke up this morning to my 16-year-old granddaughter crying. The little contestant from "The Voice" Christina Grimmie had died from her ambush gunshot wound. She was signing autographs. Who knows how far she would have gone? Now no one will know. A useless piece of trash took her out of this world. I don't like to see my granddaughter hurt. I cannot answer all the questions of "why?" Someone said that if someone had had another gun they could have taken this person out before he killed Christina. I do not want guns taken away from people. But useless killing is just that. I suppose we had it when I was young. I think Huey P. Long was killed on the steps of the capital in Baton Rouge, maybe before I was born. Abraham Lincoln sitting in the theater. And my granddaughter asks "why?" I don't know why. I am old, but I don't know much. Kelli is hurting from the radiation. Will know more when I get there.

Karen, I will take Billy and his brother with me. I don't want them to burn up if something untoward happens. Now, how can I say that, they are already cremated. I like their urns though. Your right, this house will still be here. Won't it be terrible if I have to plant fall flowers. My red petunias, purple angel???, and white ???? are so pretty Hettie, my neighbor will keep them watered. When I come back I won't linger over things so much I will just get rid of things. If the things don't shrink she will have to have surgery but they do not think they are malignant. Now this is radiology, neurologist and neurosurgeon. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

No doubt I would have danced a jig myself. Boys like that kind of "fun" on ole Mom.