Margm

Mine are good to my requests too, but they may switch horses in the middle of the stream and three or four people might work on it. Sometimes I don't feel any of them work on it and I pay extra $13.99 a month for this service. Don't use it much. Wonder why they could not have just said $14.00. But then, I am the idiot that thinks they are getting a bargain for $13.99 instead of $14.00.

Girls/guys, I went to my senior center here in this small town (it is a retirement town and they are big on helping seniors) and the woman that had held the grief group had passed away but they have Bingo at 10:00 a.m. and I was tempted to go but this place only leaves me time to type on here and I spend way too much time on it.

Cookie, my daughter is bipolar. Her anger spells are often and that is why my granddaughter wants to stay with me. It is hard trying to keep peace. My daughter has been like this all her life and I love her very much but trying to keep things even is hard. I always think "yep, head to that seedy motel in the middle of Texas and hide." Truck behind motel. I rely on that thought when all this S__t hits the fan. I cannot handle fussing. Cannot do it. Cannot do it. Crazy, insane, certifiable cannot do it. But, that is just one of the highlights of my life and I can gripe when there are those who have lost all their family. I feel so selfish, mean, and especially leaving everything to my sister for my mom. That is another story entirely. I wish I were Wonder Woman or Superwoman. I would settle for a brainless robot right now. And anger, I have to protect myself from my own anger. It usually is directed at me. I think today is national Hamburger Day, or they are pulling my leg in this house to make me go get them. I get meat and bread only for me, no seeds on bread, bitch, bitch, bitch. I know how to do that.

Marty, it started doing it last night. I figured it was my computer. Might still figure on that. If it is, I will call the computer "fixers" that work on mine. It seems okay now. At one time the page would just go up and down. Everything seems normal now. I know nothing about computers except how to use a keyboard. My favorite was the old IBM Selectrics.

Mitch, George, Steve, Brad, and somewhere Kevin is circling, and Bill is part of us now too, and have I left off a male person from our forum? We sign in with so many different names, I only recently discovered Steve was the "pilot" person. Addendum: Thanks Mitch. Please let me know of any others I have left off.

Heather, everyone on this forum "gets you." We all understand. You are talking to everyone who walks the same path you walk. Just read and jump right in. We have all been there. I always hate to say "welcome" but if we have to be here, it is something we all need, so welcome. Lots of good people that will understand any and everything. And, I usually put this, but I discovered this forum three days after Billy's death. I search for my miraculous, magical life and faith and things seem so bleak and dark at times. But, I have repeated this over and over, I would tell Billy I cannot live without you. He would say simply "I know.." That is all we would say and somehow, I hope it was with his help I found this site. It happened so fast and to put it bluntly, it did save my life because I really thought I could not live without him. And, this is not living, but it is existing.

Nope, cannot have chocolate. That was not hard to give up after I did eat it and the results were horrific. I have always hated the type of people (and I know how stupid this is) that go in and order a hamburger and tell them to take off this, don't add that, etc. Now, I apologetically ask them for buns with no seeds and just meat, mustard and mayo. Cannot have tomatoes, lettuce, any kind of fresh vegetable, even through a juicer. I have found V8 Juice with fruits and vegetables mixed, they use Stevia as a sweetener (and you get used to that), but nothing with fiber. I think people on this forum have Crohn's disease, and they really understand the diet more. When the colon ruptured it caused other damage too, but though it was give and take for a few weeks, I made it through. I never believed in that BS about "when it is your time." Now I believe. My time will come.

That was beautiful and very well stated Terri. I lost Billy October 17th, 2015. I will no longer have October on my calendar. I think I will just sleep through until Halloween night, which I have never avoided.

I will message her now. It seems to have quit doing it but have to get that fixed. One post probably took up a whole page.

No secret with my religious upbringing, when my cancer was found, it was a double cancer called adenosquamous. (to me it was simply "guilt" cancer). Not common for a young woman, found more in older women where the doc would simply perform a hysterectomy and let me live out the time left. Billy was my Steve McQueen, only taller. We met with me just out of high school and he was already in the job he kept until 1997, when we both retired on the same day. He had mental hangups from a mom who ran around on his dad. I just plain had mental hangups. I won't take the blame for everything, but we sure went through a rough patch when he finally took the leash off and I had to grow up and work in a job. A job I came to love but went into very reluctantly. He could not work two jobs the rest of his life though, I had to help. I had a lot of resentment built up for being kept a prisoner (I felt), and he wanted to keep me barefoot and pregnant. The cancer I had, I felt, was punishment for the life I led, a secret life that I went to a psychiatrist for many years to talk about, but could not talk about it with Billy. Finally, there came a time I could tell him, but it was a calamity, just like I expected. He had not been an angel either. I had no problem forgiving him, but finally someone told him he only had resentment toward me because I had beat him at his own game.. After this, we grew up together. We married as kids, we had kids, and then we all just grew up together. There had to be a whole lot of forgiveness, but my biggest problem was forgiving myself. It was smooth sailing after I was able to talk to him as my best friend and helpmate. Our dreams were the same and we lived 54 years of them. Personal contact was not always about sex, as far as I was concerned, my Missionary Baptist background had made it a taboo, like has been mentioned. What went on behind closed doors was what it was, but the physical contact of hugging, holding, and loving forever was what was important. We had a lifetime together. I wish you all could have had 54 years, and I wish we could have had 54 more. I did not want him to leave me period. He was my home, my best friend, my lover, my helpmate, my life. Now, I have half a life, but I have one thing going for me, as long as we were together, I am closer to being with him again. I don't mind that at all. I sure miss him. He loved to be hugged, and I said I would never mention this again, and I know he forgives me, but I missed my last chance to hug him. Okay, I will let that drop now. He forgave me everything, my biggest hurdle is forgiving myself. And you can be lonely in a huge family that supports you by holding you up and pushing you too. I am going to submit this but strangely, I just want to delete it.

I am going to hope this post correctly. Last night and the last post this morning were wildly erratic. I am not computer savvy, and I have no idea what to do. Billy always hooked up my programs (when I was working), and put them on the computer. If I got a new PC he found out where everything went. After the GYN doc told me they could do a D&C, but if they found anything they could not fix it. After the surgeon looked me in the eyes and said "you scare me" (which was his lingo for not knowing what to do with a colon rupture in a patient who had had so much radiation), sometimes I think I will only go back if I start running a temp. There is nothing they can do for me anymore, so I will just let them treat symptoms as they arise. If you ever look up a low residue diet, well, that is all I can have. Lots of good stuff on it, but not much healthy. So, I take my trusty MiraLax each night and hope for the best. I guess you can call it a ticking time bomb, but Billy lived with that ticking time bomb in the back of his head for many years (they said), and sometimes all you can do is hope for the best. I am like a hypochondriac though, I keep a thermometer close every place I go. I'm not as fast as I used to be, but I still can move, and will bodily and home too.

Something is happening to my computer/or this site where when I post there is a lot of room left between the post and the submit reply. I am obviously doing something wrong and sometimes the posts go up and down by themselves. We have a "Geek Squad" by some other name that I will have to have them clear things out and I have McAfee virus/whatever to keep away bad things. Gotta get it checked out.

I think I might have been able to handle a teardrop like hers. Certainly a Casita like RV-Sue's. When Billy left I became the "keeper of the flame" though and could not put all the things I wanted to keep in a small trailer or Class C. We belonged to Escapee's for probably over 25 years. There was one "old" lady who wore the moniker on the back of her ancient big John Deere Green Class A. It was called "Drifting Snow." Her last name was Snow. She would enter a campground and the owner would park it for her and hook it up. When we knew of her, she was already 84. Somewhere along the line, reading RV-Sue, or just listening to talk I heard of the pink RV. And really, after three years, she still suffers like the rest of us. I like her.

Well Mitch, you all know what I do because my "run-on" fingers tells everything. And Dawn, we have already met on the "going through hell" part.

DawnMarie, you operate a smartphone? I still use a flip phone. You are a lot smarter than I am. I could not operate a smartphone so I gave it to my husband and every time I would answer it for him I would cut off the caller. I never caught on. I rely on my 16-year-old granddaughter to keep me up to date. Anyhow, if you need help, I think you have come to the right place. We have experienced people (unfortunately) in this grieving process and there is someone that can give you advice. I came here after Billy had been gone three days. I have no idea how I knew to look for this place. Maybe Billy might have had a hand in it. I kept telling him I could not live without him and he would say "I know." So, I will say they saved my life, and a whole lot of family interference saved it too. Please feel free to share your feelings. I promise you, there is nothing that I have not said yet and they help me. If you do not feel easy yet about talking, just read and jump in whenever you want to. There are a lot of good people here that hurt. That is what we all share, pain. Sometimes we share other things too, but that is just whatever you want to say. I guarantee there is not a single person who wants to be here, but again, that is what we all share.

Steve, I don't know where, but I have read about Allison. It struck me because I just don't have the wherewithal to pull that 23 foot trailer. Billy must not have expected me to be able to because he promised it to our son before he passed. I just had too many memento's that I could not let go of. We got rid of everything by 1997 and lived in the RV for about six years, it was our way of life. It is still my way of life, but not without him. I think I remember reading about Allison somewhere though and there was so much regret on my part that I could not be "man enough" to handle this. I can no longer lift things, but I could have got a Class C. I would still have the same things that got us off the road to begin with. And here I am making arguments for a lifestyle that I wanted, but not without him. If I had gone first I know he would have taken the RV, but would have had to stay close because of family. Fact of life: He is gone. There will be no more RVing. For the record, I very much admire Allison. I'm sorry, this "grief fog" makes me not remember when, where, or how I know this. I used to follow RVSue and her Canine Crew, her blog. She is about 67 and camps only where there are no other campers. Most always in a wooded area. She is never afraid. She is a retired school teacher and you can find her blog by just putting in RV Sue. Now, she does have two dogs with her. Tiny dogs. She hooks and unhooks a Casita trailer (or one similar). Okay, the fact is, I could not have done it. I was not old till Billy left. And, it just dawned on me Alison is the Alison Miller that wrote the reply. I hunted everywhere for her blog and could not find it with the address on the back of her RV. She also is on Facebook.

Gin, maybe the doctor wanted you to have the test at another hospital so you would not be reminded of Al's tests. I know fear makes it harder to breathe. No solutions except I understand fear. My last visit to the GYN doc, I had a problem, she told me "we can do a D&C but if we find anything we cannot fix it." That was because I have had so much radiation. I had Billy with me though. That makes all the difference in the world. My heart is with you and my prayers also. Please let us know how the tests went. I believe Karen just had to go through a bunch of tests too.

Terri, I love people with "run-on" fingers. The sun is not out here, lots of stuff I need to do. I'm not wanting to do anything. I have to though. I have got to say this. I am sad seeing older men and women holding hands. I used to think it was cute but now I think "Oh, I am so sorry, one of you is in for such a big hurt," and I feel so sorry for them.

I loved the response and obviously the person that preplanned the death has been taking way too much Tylenol. And the woman that responded, Alison Miller, I have read her before, but I think it was before Billy passed away. It had to do with the RVing. It is night and the sun did not shine all day and this grief fog has had me searching the house for something I had a few days ago and cannot find. So, I am gonna shut the wax laden brain down for the day.

Thanks Marty.

PVC's are so scary Butch and the more afraid we get the worse they get. Your in a good place where they can calm you down though. Think of Gracie, and of course she has you wrapped around her fingers, that is her job. Yours is to get well.

Marty, thank you for editing this and I am going to copy it down. I have a whole lot copied and hope one day to absorb them. And thank you again Maryann, if I didn't already say this. I am open to anything that might help, anything I identify with, because like I said, I am going back to a psychiatrist. I know I cannot change some people in my family, but I have got to learn how to handle them by myself. Up until now I had Billy to hide behind. I cannot do that anymore.

Maryann, I miss Billy so much and I had 54 years. The number did not matter to me except if I could, I would have liked 54 more. That brain fog is why I need the Xanax. When something goes wrong, and it always will, I really get in a panic and because of the congenital shaking that gets worse with anxiety, I will shake all over, and it gets worse with age. My family dynamics are such that there is something going on all the time, someone needing help, family fussing (and that is something I cannot handle at all) I know a lot of this is grief, but when I can get settled down, I will go back to a psychiatrist. I have some new anxiety meditation things that I listen to before going to sleep, but either they are so boring or I am so exhausted, I cannot remember them. I hope maybe some scientific miracle happens and my brain hears them, my sleeping brain, because my awake brain is gone after about three minutes of putting the ear buds in my ears.

Butch, I deleted all the pictures of Billy being sick. I don't know why pictures were taken. One went viral with me holding on to him in his hospital bed. I did not post these and I did not play music of any kind for weeks afterwards. Right now I will not remember him that way. He was a very proud, but also very funny man and if being married to him for 54 years taught me anything, it would be that he would not want me to remember anything bad like his illness. It took him away from me and we did not have time to even fight it. So, in his memory, I will remember him in the Goodwill store making fun with my daughter. He tried on all the frilly hats and they took pictures. In this one he is at Cline's Corner's on Interstate 40. We spent a lot of time on that road. He is showing out for our granddaughter in this picture. And even though I know he is gone, I will not remember him without honor. We did not have to go through the long horror our father's had to go through. I will only have pictures of him that he would have approved of. A hospital takes the dignity away from patient and family. His granddaughter took many pictures and videos with him asking him questions, asking him how he liked such and such music and his answers to her were always so funny.. I just hope from now on I honor him rather than remember the bad. I am so human though, too much so.

Maryann, I remember when I was 17 and had a face cloth washing my face. I had taken peach slices out of the deep freeze (Mama always put them up with sugar and they were so good half frozen). Well, I became distracted (at 17, it was probably the telephone), and lost the peaches entirely.. Later on I found the peaches on the bathroom lavatory and the face cloth in the deep freeze. So, my memory has never been that great. But, I have noticed that my memory now, if I forget something significant, I will get in a panic and I will actually cry when I forget. I am so glad you said that about the grieving brain.