Margm

Blocking: Well, I don't know how to explain it, but I just cannot feel him around me, that is about the best way I can explain it. Some times I can numb-down the pain and not think about him. It is like all of this pain of digging in his clothes, his hoarded hobbies, putting him in a box, sometimes I just have to numb down or I cannot function. I would love to have him right beside me, he is in my heart, When I had cancer the treatments themselves were horrific, but at that young age my two best friends were terminal and my dad was terminal also and all died within two years. During those two years I would get in the car and go off by myself, driving miles and miles, trying to comprehend things. Billy understood my doing this. I think in old times they would call it a nervous breakdown. My health is precarious. I cannot lift things and this moving is driving me to block out the pain. My sister is handling my mom and she needs me there. My family is needing me in so many ways that I am stretched so many ways I cannot think of everything. I talk to him and tell him he is supposed to be with me, but of course I know he cannot. I am not angry, I think I probably am just close to running off to that seedy motel in the middle of Texas and park behind it. My family would find me though. 'Sometimes I just have to dissociate, and that is a word I am familiar with. And, the proper thing to do would be to go to a shrink again. The one thing a shrink has never been able to make me do is tell my family "no." I don't have time for Billy. I don't have time for me. Billy always understood me, but he was always there to help me. Right now I am stretched more ways than plastic man. I will handle it.

Gin, I have mentioned I was blocking Billy. I did feel closer walking to the mailbox and remembered that verse saying something about being in the wind that blows. The wind was blowing in these tall trees and the wild honeysuckle smell was wafting through the air. His favorite flower. I somehow felt close to him. In looking at his pictures today, something I felt I never could do, I did not even feel he was gone. But he is. I am going to have the pictures enlarged. Maybe seeing him 30 years ago did not hurt me. I just felt he was here. Cannot explain it. I will say one thing. I went by the realtor's office today and she is friends with my neighbor. She said "you look like you need a hug" and she hugged me and then had to go get me Kleenex. Damn, I hate to have waterworks at such a time. Guess I was feeling sorry for myself.

Sorry Steve, I have already beat you there. Sometimes crazy is not too bad a place to visit. If I could smoke I would probably try weed, they won't let me have anything though, so in that case I travel to crazy often. If I have not mentioned it, I like all the new pictures. I think my daughter put mine up, or my granddaughter. Lots of memories.

In the top of the closet in the middle bedroom was a box I had not examined. It contained pictures that were probably 30 years old, or more, and Billy was in so many of them. I did not cry. I actually held them and examined them. He had such high prominent cheekbones and such pretty hands (that always made him uncomfortable for me to talk about his hands being pretty), but I touched his high cheekbones. I always wanted cheekbones you could put blush on. In reality I have a round face, no cheekbones. I have not cried yet. Must have taken too much Tylenol or maybe I am numbed-down. Gotta go to Louisiana in the morning; come back Sunday. A 350 mile round trip. Mechanic said the truck would be okay as long as I didn't travel these dirt roads up here. Will get it fixed Monday and Tuesday.

I enlarged it and put it in bold, and printed this out. This really hits home Karen. Thank you so much.

Because of the other recent thing about it (and honestly I cannot remember), but it definitely has made me rethink Tylenol. Scared to look it up but it came out recently some other serious thing. I do know I quit the Prilosec because it might cause damage to your kidneys and my "innards" need all the help they can get. Now if they leave Zantac alone I might make it a few more days.

'Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.' — Mark Twain If you have read any of my posts, you know I am a hypochondriac. Maybe not a card carrying certified one. They won't let me have anything but Tylenol.for pain. Lately, two things have come out about Tylenol. One must have been memory, because I sure forgot what it was. The second thing is that Tylenol can cause people to lack empathy. So girls/guys, when you get someone that says something in the wrong way to you, look them straight in the eyes and say "You take a lot of Tylenol, don't you?"

Had my oil changed. Billy always trusted these guys here in this little town to work on our vehicles. Was told I am needing (and this is not mechanic talk, this is me talk and it is in my language), something about ball joint suspensions, tie rods, or knob extensions, or whateverthehell they mean. They said my 350 mile round trip this week end was okay but am looking at around $700. Now is when I need Billy. But again, he isn't here is he? He trusted them, so I will too. Truck is 2004 Ranger and other than oil changes, batteries and tires has been no problem. Guess it is time. Could trade it in, but it fits me right now and if the shoe fits, I am going to wear it. Besides it is a blue color that is almost purple and I like that. The little sucker scoots up to 75 real fast too, I have to watch it. I guess this could go under "hope in this new life" because that is all I can go on..........hope.

That really says it all.

I signed all the papers for the apartment. A whole folder full of papers, rules, and regulations. Most I will not have to worry about. I signed them, but I did not comprehend the explanations that were given. “Regrets are born of paths never taken.” Michael Dell I cannot think of a path that I have ever gone on without my Mama and Daddy, and then Billy. Now the paths I go on scare the hell out of me. I could say scare me to death, but even though I have walked beside that path myself, Billy left me to walk that path alone. Being alone is scary. I have my kids and grandkids, but I've never walked alone. I have to say I can do it because my only other solution would be to hide in the closet, and believe me, enough of my family have come "out of that closet" that surely I can come out too, and I am coming out alone in a different concept.

Actually Kay, once they perfected the computer age it got easier to transcribe. You did not have white out, pink out, yellow out and blue out for copies. And, the docs would tell us to go up and change things (no way that could happen until the computers came). About the time the computers came though, then we got the foreign doctors who spoke English as a 2nd or 3rd language. I remember one little transplant surgeon, typing his three pages of surgery, I would recognize an instrument, know which part of the body he was operating on and just try to put the instruments in the part of the body the surgery was being done on. I would go back and look in the chart to see if he made corrections and he never did. I don't think he could read English either, or I was just damn good. One Vietnamese female doctor came down and was fussing because we could not understand her. She said the VA transcriptionists understood her. My cousin was a transcriptionist at VA and they could not understand her either. She was fussing and I turned my back on her. I understood this "Why does she hate me so" Never got in trouble about that incident. Our aristocratic older white haired supervisor one time looked down her nose at one of the doctors and said "My girls do not make mistakes." I loved it. It was my report, and yes, it was my mistake. He did not argue with her. He said "yes mam" Don't know if this goes under "tired of being strong" but somehow or other, I did it anyhow.

Cookie, I retired from two hospitals in medical transcription. Total of 43 years. Our hospitals had gone to voice recognition and you will appreciate this. Doctor said "parenthesis" and the voice recognition heard "bull flatus." I so wished I had been ready to quit at that time, as an "editor" I would have left it. Good luck with this. I loved my job so much, until they put me as an "editor." I had had enough then.

Cookie, when I was fighting the cancer years ago, I was working at the teaching hospital. I had any number of doctors to choose from. I was trying to work through the guilt of losing my dad, two best friends, and one of their dad's to cancer during this short period of time, working through my cancer and my religious belief as to why I had the cancer. I did not need more guilt.. I settled on one weird Freud looking fellow. It was going just fine until he started working some sort of transference thing on me and suggested I was really in love with him. It just did not seem right. One of his teachers (he was a 3rd year resident) was in private practice. I had to run from this little wormy transference doc. I did tell my doc, his teacher, what all he had said. I did go to her for a number of years and she helped me. I do not know if I believe in hypnosis, but that wormy little character started looking good to me and that is when I ran. I was vulnerable and I hope she straightened him out.

W=work

I tried those beautiful coloring books. The stupid tremor has gotten so bad I cannot keep it between the lines. Now, if I cannot keep my color inside the lines, I won't color. We were always told to "keep it inside the lines." Guess that is life. In thinking back though, if I had spent my life coloring inside the lines, I might already be dead of boredom. It was a wild ride.

We had a lot of years. I was blessed. We went through some rough times. I could always look back on his faults and understand where they came from. Our first few years were horrible. Not physically horrible, but mentally terrible. Even then, I knew where he was coming from. My problem was I was going to "pay him back" for the abuse, and I did. Now, I wish I hadn't. We were able to talk about it after he came to terms with my "payback." He was able to own up to why he acted that way and he apologized. Even knowing the type of people we were, the type of couple we became, would I go back and do every one of those 54 years over, just exactly like we did them.........absolutely. I think I could have left off the "payback" but even that brought us to where we were the last half of the marriage. I always said I wanted to die of boredom. Well, now I get my chance.

Gwen, I can understand that. We were RVers for awhile and gypsies at heart. We had just bought a new RV and was getting ready to leave this house when we found out he was sick. I know a lot of the stuff around here he did to get us ready, I know he could not have felt well. He never complained, except about his back and that had been going on for 30 years. Unfortunately, this time it was not just his back. I guess he never got time to complain, I was always the sick one. Anyhow, the RV is not a possibility anymore and he would never have moved into an apartment. But, he isn't here. And, if you are in a place you want to be in, the last thing I would advise is to move. This is heart rendering work. I hate the W word also.

Gin and Gwen, you can both come with me to my week-end trip back "home" (moving some stuff in the apartment) and already I am scheduled to sit with my mom. And, how in the world can I begrudge that when that is the only time my sister can get out of the house? Life gets complicated when you reach the "hamburger stage" of life. Parents are the buns on one side, grown kids and grandkids are the buns on the other side and we are the meat in the middle. I have repeated over and over that I am selfish. Still, I do have to make the trip. I feel sorry for my sister, but it won't be long before I will be feeling sorry for me too. Hey, I already do.

Well, mine just became more valuable. I called my granddaughter and she said right away "I want it." I am so happy. Karen, I am sorry, I understand how these things tear at our heart. Going though insurance stuff I found a note Billy had written on a pillow corsage when our son was born June 25, 1962. It said "Marg, I could not be happier." Some things just hurt. I think we are just gonna hurt for a long, long time, forever. Again, right now my heart is with you Karen and you have a virtual ((((HUG)))).

Karen, your China had a history. Mine began and ended with me. I am happy your granddaughter has it in your family still. I remember your daughter's history. You had a terrible double loss that I cannot even comprehend and hope I go before I ever have to understand this. The China did not bother me. Billy's coffee cups and cereal bowls, things that probably came from the $ store, either there or Walmart, those are the things that bothered me. I priced this China online and it is an 8 place setting. Not very much missing from it. My hands have a congenital tremor, as I have said over and over, and so happy I did not want to be a neurosurgeon or waitress. I could have done neither. I also cannot wash dishes without breaking them, though I did wash every piece of this China this morning without breaking or chipping it.. I also packed it away without chipping it and have each piece wrapped. I had no feelings toward it at all. All my cousins, family registered at stores for their stemware, silver, etc. I tease about being country redneck, but my son hates eating off of any plate that he cannot tip up where he can get it all on the fork. In other words, paper plates. So, my teasing is not too exaggerated. I think of you often Karen, especially when I am feeling sorry for myself. Billy and I had so much, but like I have said before, I was still, am still selfish. My heart is with you my friend. This China was called Kayson's Golden Rhapsody, I think. It had gold around the edges and a simple looking gray wheat in the center on white. Very fragile looking and if I had drank tea in the cups I would have shook it all onto the table, or my lap, the cups are so shallow and fragile. Really not pretty to me. My coffee is drank from a cup with a handle from Bass Pro Shop.

I planned on getting rid of all dishes and just starting over. I never used the China, it set up in the corner cabinet forever. I am not a "fine China" type person. Melmac we always used for the RV. (Oh, and paper plates). I did buy a new set of stainless steel. The China just sat there. Some have been lost over the years moving, not using. Storage, not using. I have no feelings about putting them in front of the thrift store. Naturally, I have to take my cookware, my daughter gave it to me. But, going through the cabinets, I also found pieces I cannot get rid of. Not as tough as going through his hoarding stuff, but I found myself keeping lots more than I planned on. I went to see my neighbor, she was not at home, but usually when I get in this mood I can talk to her. Her yard is beautiful. Big boulders they have brought in (he was in construction) and she has flowers beautifully placed everywhere. On the walk home (our houses can be seen through the trees in winter, but during spring and summer they are all hidden), but the sky was beautiful and blue. I just had to think, and not dramatically so, but what now? I will find something to do, I am sure. My friends are busy in church and community activities so I guess I will be too, to some extent. I still think of myself as the weird old lady in 110. Really, what now? Well, I guess we just live till we don't. I know Kevin, I really did read what you posted. And, there are a lot of people worse off than I am. I am still selfish.

Well, I am so glad everyone of your family is safe.. I know this was horrible for them. Billy lost his house the year after he graduated and only escaped with a pair of blue jeans. His family had to have help from their small community. Communities are so important at times like this.

Very well said. I hope you were not discomforted by any of Canada's wildfires.

That's all I have.

I was not perfect, he was not perfect, but we were perfect for each other. I think I said too much so I just deleted it. We did a lot of growing up together and we just made a lot of mistakes. I think that is enough to tell. If you have already read it, well, we were no angels. We grew wings the last 20-30 years of the marriage though and I miss his sorry behind. The rest of him too.