Margm

I know. We have so many other people's stuff. Scott is like his dad and burns whatever is not Billy's. I expect repercussions. Oh well, let them come.

Trying to figure where to put this. Just watched the news and it seems Canada is burning. Don't know anyone in Canada except some Escapee RVers, but think they are probably running in their RV if they are in the area. But, Kevin lives in Canada. I know, Canada is a big place. Kevin..........are you safe???

Cookie, cleaning out Billy's things have pulled me so far down. I think if I had buried him I would have put these all with him. Now it is the topo maps and I will never try to read the elevations of land by a map, either they go up or they go down. I will have to give them away, and surely there is someone down in Louisiana that Billy would like me to give this stuff to. He was kinda selfish (except with family) and could be very jealous, and I know he is gone, but I don't want to tempt fate. It is just so much stuff. He was so obsessive. Notebooks of numbers, figuring line length, width and whatever the hell numbers figure in fly fishing. I am just so torn. When I found his boots the answer was right before me. I tried putting them under the table his urn is on and then I just decided, well, we will burn them.. All his old hunting clothes burned. They had been out there for 10 years anyhow. They were all locked up. Oh well..)))sigh((( .we all face this stuff. I just decided to stir mine up fast. You know what they say about stirring around "stuff." So, guess you all will have to listen to Dingbat Downer for awhile. And, no one can say I wasn't warned. Tonight I am watching Longmire, one of his favorites on Netflix. I remember A&E, or whatever it was, dropping Longmire and he was so excited that Netflix had picked it up. Strange, I don't like it near as well without him. I like that Grace and Frankie with Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda. Brianna doesn't like me to watch them without her. She is in New Orleans to see the band 1975 (no, I don't know who they are either), but she wants to marry Calum of 5-SOS (seconds of summer) and if I was the richest woman in the world I would kidnap him for her. (If he gets kidnapped anytime soon, I am not the richest woman even in this little town, not even this little street.)

Your right, things could turn around. I cannot desert my sister. She will need my help and is not well herself. I just expected Billy to be here to smooth things out. We have warring factions in this family all the time but they die down. Maybe if you lived closer to them, but then that might make it worse. My mom's sisters fought all the time. I can only imagine their mom and dad trying to referee these fights. Mama threw a fork and it stuck in her brother's forehead. He was spitting watermelon seeds across the table at her. She tried fighting my dad and he would turn and walk away from her. He was such a gentleman. I would be hiding under the table or bed saying "hit her daddy, hit her." She once hit him three times and he walked away from it. Things have been relatively smooth since Billy passed but they tip-toe around me. I get in the truck and run off if they get to fussing. I wish I had known that sooner, I could have just run away from their fussing by getting in the car and leaving. It all blew over anyhow. I think they are scared to fuss around me now. Take care. They will come around.

Maryann. I thought I had gotten over the roughest parts. Now, I am in the small bedroom and a big box filled with sacks ordered from Amazon and all the fishing outlets he belonged to, hunting places. When I get to Minden, we know some fellows that wrote for the fishing report and sporting news for the papers. (Real newspapers). I am putting all this stuff in a big plastic bucket with lid and I will let them come go through the bits and pieces of coyote calls, crow calls (he made his own calls), and he even has some from the duck commando's on TV. And, no I do not watch Phil Robertson. Gonna think on this hard. Billy loved for us to go out on these deserted roads after dark and call "critters." To me "critters" sounds like little things but what I heard coming through those woods sounded more like Bigfoot or the Boggy Creek Monster. I sat in the truck with the windows rolled up. He would call these things up and didn't even take a gun with him or anything. Those "critters" expected a meal. I did that a few times in Louisiana but the monsters/critters up here in these mountains sounded more sincere than those in Louisiana. Anyhow, there will be an opportunity to give them away. Definitely no money changing hands. Billy would not have stood for that. It was not a hobby if you sold it. His only brother is gone and unfortunately only a few of his coworkers and friends are left. Damn, we are old. Okay, I am depressed.

This is wonderful. See, good things do still happen. So happy for you and your family Butch.

I had the chance to see Robert Frost at John F. Kennedy's inauguration (on TV, not in person, and black and white). I did not realize he had so much grief in his family. He had so much with his family as a child and after he married. Now we see other people's suffering in their writings.

As many mistakes as I have made, I am the worlds worse to take advice from, but I appreciate it. I just started typing and let my fingers do the running. Family is wonderful to have and I don't want to lose anymore of them, but not sure I will outlive all the problems they have. You sound like you are doing great. I appreciate your taking it with a good attitude. Some things I should not get into. I'm old, but not that smart.

It is very presumptuous of me to try to give advice when I was given the chance of living with Billy as long as I have. If this had happened to me when I was in my 40's or 30's, I do not know what I would have done. There is another old saying (and I have a lot of old sayings) about not being able to get blood from a turnip. I don't feel like a turnip, more like a beet at this time. Grief, grief in moving, and family financial problems may actually make me certifiable. I go to the doc Monday morning. Gonna request a straight jacket, or is that strait jacket?

Enjoy it Laura. Arkansas is/was beautiful and I know they did not take Billy away, but he left me in it and I will never see it again.

I very much mind getting rid of anything of Billy's. But as far as moving it, we both were masters of forgetfulness, we never knew where we had put anything and the most horrible words we said to each other were "do you remember where......" That struck horror in both of our hearts, so moving something does not bother me. He never knew where he put it last anyhow.

I may be wrong, but I think men have more dignity than we women have. Billy was emptying my bedpans with the birth of Scott and it did not bother him at all. I threw up through the whole pregnancy and he went behind me and cleaned it up. I could not clean up "throw up" for my own kids. When Billy got sick there was never a moment my mannerism changed. There was nothing repulsive about him. I could have picked up his whole 6'2" frame with my 5 feet total. I had strength that came from some place I had never been before. But, his dignity was destroyed, even knowing I did not consider him dirty. I think men die when they have to give up their dignity. My dad did. He had to have his male parts removed because of the cancer. My loud mouth aunt (mom's sister, all uncouth women) yelled "Elvie have they cut off your _____s yet." My dad was such a dignified man and Billy never wanted me to clean him or hold him up. I had enough strength nothing hurt me except his going so fast. I would have carried him, but at what cost to him. It was always "that's my job." He never had any kind of distaste or disgust changing out or cleaning my tube after the colon burst, never minded cleaning up my throw up or emptying bedpans. So, my dignity was not embarrassed. He would have made a good nurse. .

It took me at least 50 years to ask Billy about the annoying habit of laughing at himself when he did something stupid. His simple answer was that he had to laugh at himself before someone else did. I wish I could listen to his stupid laugh that went from annoying to adorable. So much we miss, so much we would change.

Laura, I am revising both of my posts. It is really terrible of me to give advice when I had so many years to plan for a future and was granted the wonderful opportunity to have that future with a man who was my best friend. We had not one penny in savings. We could never save. Our kids needed something, our grandchildren needed something and they got it. At one time we were paying for three cars and only one was ours. We got paid back when they had the money. Right now I pay the insurance on everything. I cannot give advice when I stay an enabler. All I see right now is I am going to help support three families and I will let them want for nothing that is necessary. One has a college degree and a nurses degree also, but is on disability. How can I be so hypocritical as to give advice when I do not practice it myself. One has numerous degrees, but no money and no hopes for any. I get "up against the wall" sometimes and freak out. All I can say is it is nice to have a safety net. It does not always work that way, sometimes it is impossible when you are fighting our government with Obamacare and taxes. Cannot get into politics though. If you can, try for some sort of a safety net when you get old, if you are given the privilege of getting old. I would say "like me" but sometimes it does not feel like a privilege. I think I was speaking more to someone else than I was to you, but all the talking in the world cannot save that other person, so if I can, if I am allowed, I will be there. I once read a quote that "how will they ever touch the ground if you are always there to catch them." That is not exactly the way it went, but it is the gist of it.

When we planned marriage as teenagers (me), Billy said he was afraid of responsibilities. I had no idea what a responsibility was. I had had none. In the end, not because he wanted to, but in the end, he is gone from the responsibilities, I am not. And, of course, nothing we can do but just "do it." And, I know I sound selfish, I have admitted to that failing.

"I wish" we had never sized up after getting "off the road." I like what my mom said "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." I live what my mother-in-law said "wish in one hand and s_ _ t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest." Crude, but true. The difference between life before Billy left and life now.

I knew from the day he left I could not stay here. I cannot keep this big place up and all my friends and family are 175 miles from here. (Neither of us wanted to keep this place up, it was bought so our granddaughter would have a stable home life.) The solitude is such that I will be gone for days and maybe my neighbor would check on me, maybe. Moving from all this solitude to a place where I have to be seen scares me too. The only thing I am sure of, the only positive thought in this big upheaval is that I cannot stay here where the quiet is deafening. Billy would have already been gone in the RV. The business part of death would have caught up to him while he was on the road somewhere. But that was just us. Most people were not gypsies like we were.

Mitch, I see so much of Billy in our son, his ways, his build, his procrastinating. Yesterday he worked himself terribly hard. Losing his dad, his hero, that was very hard on him. He has Billy's gentle ways and has his quick temper also. His relationship for 10 years is with a much younger woman that is just like my mother. My mom and dad did not have the closeness except at the last four years when my mom had to take care of my dad. The whole time she did though, it was a duty of the marriage vows, it was not love that you could see from her part, but for their whole marriage, from 1940 until before he became ill, they were separate souls, not united in anything. It was how they both wanted it. Billy's folks were never close, never said "I love you" to each other or the children. It was as if Billy and I were determined not to be like either of them. "I love you" and hugs were lavished all around between the two of us and our kids. Maybe too much so, if that is possible, as neither child/middle aged adult can stand for their parents to be far from them. They have separate lives, but wanted us to be right there too. When we wanted to RV all the time our daughter said "families don't leave families." But, the last 15-16 years raising our granddaughter, neither would have given that up for "the road." I still look at RVers, at every RV traveling down the road and have some envy and also happiness for the people traveling. Now Billy traveled on without me, and we had years and years I am thankful for, but I still wanted more, and I know he did too. We could not talk about him leaving, though I know he knew he was, but I did not know it, I was going to have a miracle, until I saw his death mask that morning, and I have to forget that part. If I could just go off and leave all this behind in a bubble, then I think I would be okay. But, we have/had responsibilities and we have to take care of them. All our life seems like one responsibility after another. I just want to run and hide from all the responsibilities. I'm tired of them. This moving stirs up more pain than I want, more than I think I can handle sometimes.

Karen, to us every part of Arizona was magic, but this was even too far away for our family..

I love that Mitch. When I am back "home" in Louisiana I think things like when I am driving, "maybe if we had been homesteaders instead of gypsies, maybe if we had settled down instead of being so restless to travel." At one time it entered my mind when we were on the road, if we travel far enough and fast enough we won't hear those footsteps creeping up on us, maybe the inevitable won't happen. Of course it would have.

I know this might be silly, but I still sleep with his pants rolled up with pillow. I plan on hanging all his clothes up in and between mine. Symbolic togetherness. I won't miss this house though.

This is my pink lady Kay. It is a toss-up that I might spray it in my eyes. With my shaky hands, if I am scared I definitely would shoot myself. And, I am not a gun control person. Billy had one, but Billy's hands did not shake. It was the first thing I got rid of that was Billy's. I would like some bear spray. Personally, I have been chased by two men when I was lots, lots younger. I was followed by a man on one of my walks many years ago. I admire a woman that can take care of herself, I just hope if I get that scared, they will decide they don't want to "clean up" an old lady.

Sometimes I feel like I have crawled into a bed of fire ants. It is true, you should not do anything for a year. But, I just don't know how many years, months, days I might have, none of us do and Billy went so fast. I cannot leave this mess for someone else to hurt and clean up. Scott was cleaning out the garage and he said he heard a little voice in his head saying "I am not going to use them anymore," (his dad), but he heard a louder voice in the front of his head telling him there would be hell to pay if he got rid of them. (His mom, me). Billy used to get on the computer and order stuff. He ordered baits, things to tie flies with, reels, rod blanks, rod wrapping tools, thread, the shiny stuff you stick it all together with and then painted the rods with Sally Hansen clear nail polish. As soon as $ store got a new shipment in of Sally Hansen clear nail polish, I would buy them out. The boy (Billy the Kid) would wait for that brown truck every day he expected an order in and he was like a kid. Just the most stupid things meant something to him. How can I discard all those stupid things that meant something to him. All those reels that he waited impatiently for, the beautiful rods he would wrap. I will have to get rid of them eventually. Billy sometimes was a selfish kid, he did not like sharing things. But he is not here, is he? Dammit, maybe this is why you don't make any big moves, your heart just cannot handle it and your damn insane brain cannot decide what to do. So, I will just pack all this stuff in the extra bedroom. Maybe Billy won't be so selfish next year. Bless his heart, he loved his toys. . And I have changed the subject entirely. Makeup is not on my mind, but I guess "missing him" must be. I did a lot of business today. Slowly switching over credit unions. Successfully switched for retirement checks but not yet for my SS. I had some things coming out and found out today that the insurance Billy had been paying $4.50 each month on was for accidental insurance. It was scheduled to come out soon and I just dropped it. I wonder if Billy knew it was accidental death insurance. i'll never know. But my 0 balance was going to cost me an overdraft charge and I could not have that. When does this death business ever get over with.......at death I guess.

I am lucky my son is helping me. He is taking all his dad's dog training books up to the thrift store. I told him to shake them out to see if he left notes in them. I don't think I will be training any dogs anytime soon. We live in hunting country, so maybe someone can get some use out of them. I won't burn them. Thanks Gwen, I needed that sunshine. Here is a hug back. (((((((Hugs))))))

After they are gone we question what we could have done different, question things that we did not question at the time, question everything. In reality the questions do not matter, any of them. When they are gone they are gone. I knew him for over 54 years, but sometimes I just wish I had known him better, maybe things would have been different. But, in the end, we all gotta go. And I guess I am just Mary Sunshine.