Margm

When I found Billy's hunting boots, in the room I never looked in, I had thought I was through with the losing my breath crying. This was different. I was crying, but not the bucket of tears crying, I did have the losing my breath gasping. I went to the bathroom to be alone and could not quit the gasping for air. This was new. I had not taken a Xanax in the daytime in many days. I usually use it to keep my chin from shaking (extension of the congenital tremor) when I go out in public. But this time I took one. I remember I am not the spring chicken I once was. I also remember I have in motion this move and Robert Frost speaks to me "miles to go before I sleep." But, a couple of months ago I would have wanted to extend the breathlessness and let come what may. The point I am making is, I was not ready to give up just yet. I don't know what would have happened a couple of months ago. I think that kind of gasping would lead to fainting certainly. I think it was hyperventilating. I know to breathe into a paper bag. (Do they make paper bags anymore?) Luckily, or unluckily it quit. I feel your words Mitch "It would be easy to just give up." I just know if I gave up it would leave a big mess for my family to clean up. I cannot do that to them, if I can help it at all. Some things you cannot help, if that happens then I cannot worry about it. But, if I feel I can fight it right now, I will, but it would be so easy to "just give up."

I know I have to give in, I have no choice short of dying myself, to attend our graduation class women's get-together. I think it is significant to all of us that we meet around noon in our home town. That shows I am not the only one who hates to drive at night. I know I have to do it. I also know I am moving from this quiet place where no one bothers you, no crime area, but it is just empty space to me. Then I get anxiety that I have already made the move to an apartment around lots of people. Sometimes I think "what am I doing?" Billy would never do this. He was such a private person and I became one also. I think the anxiety has died down though. Surely they will allow me to read at night and watch TV. I know in this house I live in now I could read 24 hours a day and no one would bother me, but the house might fall down around me from lack of care. I think I am doing right. Right for me, not for Billy, but Billy is not here anymore, is he?

My mom lived by the code "a little red paint never hurt any old barn." She always wore her red lipstick and painted on her eyebrows. I inherited whatever gene it is that gives color to the lashes and eyebrows, we both did not have that, and she was a brunette. My friend, who has been a widow for 7-8 years, she never gets out of the house unless every hair is in place, her outfits match all the way from the shoes to the purse, and I have got to say, over 50 years out of high school, she looks better than she did at age 17. She is now 100% deaf, I don't know from what, but she looks good in every picture. I hide in pictures. I hide from mirrors. I am 17 again, as long as I don't look.

I wonder sometimes if my kids mention to each other that Mama's mind is "going." As long as Billy was with me I did not worry about dementia in him or me. Now, I think back at some things he did and remember him asking me if I was worried about his "facilities." I told him his facilities worked just fine, and I was sure his faculties were okay too. We did not know about the aneurysm he had had for so long (they said). Now, I wonder about his road rage he had developed and I had to fuss at him for answering his phone and texts when he was driving. He had very vivid dreams of fighting snakes. I sat up in bed one time and will never forget watching him turn a perfect somersault toward the end of the bed and thinking "well, that would certainly get a 10 in the Olympics." Both of us still asleep. He came out of it fast hitting the desk at the end of the bed. I tried telling him that dreaming about snakes did not bode well with the definition they gave to those dreams. I wonder if maybe that was when the aneurysm was forming. One time he fought the wall, thinking he was keeping a snake off the bed. Always snakes. And now, my forgetfulness. I do think that the brain protects itself from overload sometimes. At least that is what the psychiatrist told me about the dissociation I had years ago. I think my numb-down feelings are dissociation now. My brain definitely needs protection.

After reading so much, I honestly think our will to live is down so much that we just don't care that much. I know personally, I am just now beginning to want to take a little better care of myself, but still I am not that keen on living without Billy. I range between remembering him telling me the one left must stay and my crazy brain thinks he was wanting to leave me and I know that is not true. But, you know our brains right now are so scrambled that we don't know what to do, don't know what we want except to be with our mates. And my memory, really I am getting some of it back but that damn new bedspread, I have no memory of getting it at all. Still cannot remember. But, I come and go so often it is a wonder I remember the road to come home on. That is when I am in my element though, put me on a country road and let me loose. (In daylight).

We all help each other the best we can and I know this forum has saved my life. At first that did not encourage me too much, but now I am just looking forward to leaving here. I have not checked on moving companies yet. I am not taking too much, but I am taking our king sized bed and Billy's cabinet he picked out, books, bookcases, TV's, etc. I am not asking Scott what all he is getting rid of. I did bring some of my granddaughters things in the house and will put them in a separate box. We did find probably 100 DVD's inside a plastic box in good shape. Mostly Brianna's. Thank you for the thoughts and hugs. I'm better now. It just sounds right to burn some things Billy will never use and no one else could use.

I guess I purposefully did not remember Billy's "hunting" room in the garage. I saw his camouflaged boots, the rubber had turned hard and broke so they were unwearable. I grabbed them up to my chest and ran with them and cried. They are not in good enough shape to give away. I hugged them to me and cried and cried, then the reality hit me in the solar plexus. We had one big, huge box, one of those plastic buckets with locking lid, it had sat in the corner for ten years. I knew what was inside. It had all his hunting clothes, long handle underwear, stuff not even out of the wrappings. Billy was cremated, so were his boots and all his hunting clothes. They were probably unwearable. They had been worn many years before he started hunting/shooting with a camera instead of a gun. I cannot go into his room where he kept his knickknacks. It is a whole little room. I just cannot do it. My daughter offered to clean it out. I cannot do it anymore. I thought I had everything of his in those big plastic boxes. I know this is silly, but I am going to mix his clothes up in the double closet with mine, one of his, one of mine. Helps me right now. My mom is having a hard time breathing. My sister said to get prepared. She is in hospice. This was a little woman that probably had mixed marbles in her head, but who was damn smart in accounting, paid her bills as soon as one came in the mail. Daddy had "let" her do a lot around the house so she could fix her lawnmower and start it and anything that required tools, she could fix. She put a garden in the deep freeze and before that she canned things. She could bend a dime double. She knew how to save money until her mind started going and when that happened, everything was gone. This time of year she would be sitting in the dirt in her garden. She had a garden like no other. Nothing ever failed. She did not buy many groceries, just staples. Her 95th birthday is June 2nd. How can a woman that was never lazy, never still, how can she suffer the indignity of being this person she has become, dependent upon someone constantly and now has taken to getting up at night and walking and eating the cat food. She cannot walk, but she does. And she falls. They won't let her have soft restraints, only if a nurse is with her 24 hours a day. Now she fell on her chin and it is bloody, hit her head night before last, bloody. She will go to sleep and get up in the middle of the night. If she cannot walk, she crawls. They are upping her sedatives, she was on the lowest dosage. I miss Billy so damn much, I miss him being with me with losing my Mama, but Billy's cancer took him so fast that he had discomfort, but I never let him hurt. He just gave up and left me. And I do not feel any levity tonight. I honor a lot about my mama, but she really had some psychiatric problem. But, it did not keep her from being a busy, industrious, intelligent person. Not very lovable, no friends, although she called her cigarettes her friends. She had six brothers and sisters and has outlived them by years. They were her "friends" but they all fought terribly, very dysfunctional. I loved our family reunions, better than Ali and George Foreman.

I've heard it before, but I have never "listened" to it. I grew up on country music, my dad played and we had a band playing every Monday night for years. People would open their doors and windows, come with yard chairs and sit on the big front porch or in the yard. No AC back then anyhow. Not in our little town.

"One size does not fit all." I surely would not want anyone to accept my way of life as their own. Actually, I don't have a way of life. I was born, married, now widowed. I would not wish my way of life on anyone. And moving is not for 99.9% of the people.. I usually live my life in that little 0.1% anyhow. I am usually such a downer, so if I can lift anyone's life up for one second with frivolities, stupid things I do, things I would not advise anyone else to do, then I have served my purpose. And, that purpose is..................well, I just don't know.

Joyce, no kidding, our immune systems are down. You remember the stories about the white man bringing diseases to the Native Americans? Well, we get out so little (or at least most of us, I think I am on the road 90% of the time). Anyhow, I have been known to get sick just going to Walmart. Maybe other people do this too and that is why they put those hand cleaners out before we touch the shopping carts.

Hey, I can start a new topic, they are usually not of much substance and they don't last long, but I listened to the radio this morning on the way to local "Dollar Gentral." (If you have not seen the Dollar Gentral girls on You Tube, you need to watch them.) Good ole Louisiana gals, I believe. Anyhow, this song hit me right in the middle. I can personally tell you all why they say wait a year before you make any big moves. I am not/was not sure I might have a year though. Anyhow, a country station (yes, I did) and I've heard this song before but did not listen. It is by Rodney Atkins. If you're goin' through hell keep on going Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it You might get out before the devil even knows you're there When you're goin' through hell keep on movin' Face that fire walk right through it You might get out before the devil even knows you're there More words to it, but you would have to listen and some folks won't listen.

I find it terribly liberating in this trying time to say to hell with makeup. I realize a little red paint never hurt any old barn, but this old barn has decided to go back to the old wood look that people love. I am not an old barn, and no one is taking pictures of me. I saw a couple of family pictures lately and even my kids have started hiding them. I look like I have had a stroke. Maybe I have. The point I am making is, Billy does not compliment me anymore and I don't have to look in mirrors. Like I said, strangely liberating. Well, I guess that should go under that post "looking for the positives."

And, that is what I think we are all feeling right now. Maybe later, if the years allow us later. We are just not ready. I am going to have to be literally taken to some things. I will go, but I don't have to like it. But, I can put on my friendly disposition to be with them. I think I can anyhow.

I always say "I was not old until Billy left." Neither of us felt old. We still did everything we always did before. Now, I seem to be sliding downhill at an accelerated rate. I guess this is just life as we now know it. I have a diet that is geared to kill me, cannot get off it, but I can drink more water, and I have to start taking care of myself so I can move. Moving and death all in one year!!!! Not good for a body.

Cookie, my mama never had a filter on her mouth. That woman could hurt feelings anytime she talked to anyone. She cut down one woman that had complimented her and the poor woman was speechless. I had long ago quit apologizing for her mouth and I just walked away from both of them shaking my head saying aloud "I cannot %$#@&+ing believe this." Some people just have to be accepted for their uncouth ways. I have a friend, and she is a friend, who is exactly like this. She is always giving me advice. I politely ignore it or come back with one of my catty, sweet replies that flies right over her head. She has lost one husband and probably after 11-12 years is going to lose another. Her mother outlived three husbands. Some people need to be ignored, or learn to be catty sweet to them. It is a doable thing. Or just learn to stare at them after a remark, politely turn away and walk away shaking your head. That is how I had to do my mama.

Billy and I only "hung out" together and with family. After the initial first part of our marriage, all of our friends, and us, were busy with family things. He coached all the YMCA ballgames of any sort (before soccer), but he would have adapted to that. Still, we never visited in each other's homes. We were really loners. I had my work friends, he had his work friends, we would talk when we met up accidentally somewhere, but we never made plans. Then it was all the kids outside activities. I'm afraid, for 54 years we never went out on "dates" with other couples. My sister had her high school games, basketball, majorette, beauty pageants, then the college productions she acted in. (I am nearly nine years older than her). We went fishing a lot and we took walks later on, but we were never bored. I am afraid those 54 years passed by way too fast. "It was only yesterday." Still, we managed to hold on to the friends we had made over the years. I would imagine you all have done the same. Church is a good place to go, but I think most of us are in the same boat, we are just not ready to be buddy-buddy with anyone (although I am close to my "girls"). We talk, but two of them are coming to get me to go to the next set-down dinner we/they have started. Am I happy? Nope, not ready to pull up a chair anywhere. But I have to eventually, I guess. Still, when I was a little girl I can remember people sitting around on the front porch, people of the neighborhood, distant relatives my grandmother and aunts would take the lone grandchild to visit all relatives. We went to cemetery workings (cleaning family plots and planting flowers). In fact, on my way to de house yesterday I happened to go a different road and came upon the cemetery some of my relatives rest in. I don't remember being there before. I found my great grandmother and great grandfather's grave. A man that was working on the church told me where they were and told me they were having a cemetery working this Saturday. I won't be in that part of the country then, but that would have been nice to attend. That was another thing. On both sides of my parents family, we had reunions 2-3 times a year, so that took up some of my married time too. They say you can't go home again. Maybe not, some hate that statement, but I am going to try to go home again. It was Billy's home too. He won't be there in body, but I hope I can conjure up his spirit by then. And, I guess this does not go along with the heading "whose forum is this" because I just took over the whole thing. Anyhow, I think there are friends out there, we just have to be ready to accept them.

Laura, I am never alone. But, I will be alone the rest of my life. You can be in a crowd and still be alone. My sister and my mom were both loners. My sister loves to go out to a restaurant and eat by herself. My mom was a hermit before she got Alzheimer's. I have lots of friends, but I am not ready to socialize. So, I am alone. My high school friends (the ones still alive) and I have kept in touch all these years. The hospitals where I worked, we (coworkers) have stayed in touch. We might not see or hear from each other for months, but we can always pick up where we left off. I know you have friends from your schools you attended. I think our "problem" is that it is really not a problem, we just do not really want to be around people much yet. I wanted the apartment with people all around me, on top floors above me, behind me, besides me, and then it hit me "you are going to have to socialize or you will be the old woman in apartment 110 who is old and weird. That gave me anxiety. I chose that and I am not sure I am ready for it. But, I don't want to stay here either. The "aloneness" here is deafening. I hated coming back to this house so much I just wanted to run off to my seedy motel in the middle of Texas and park behind it. That is my daydream. If you want company, I think you can find it. I just think most of us, well we just are not ready yet.

And I am sorry George, this is under your byline.

I think one word was left out of my life six months ago. Enthusiasm. A new apartment. I looked at it. It has walls, doors, big closets, refrigerator, blank walls that I cannot tell you what color they were, tile floors and carpet in some rooms. I cannot tell you which ones. I remember a big separate pantry and I remember bookcases at the end of the hall built in. I think I remember a ceiling fan. I remember a fireplace but could not tell you what it looked like. My granddaughter said "Don't worry, Mama will decorate it." Here I am thinking about Walmart furniture. Hey, it works. I like their futons. I am going to get Walmart everything. "My kind of place." I have no enthusiasm for fixing it up at all. The only thing I got any enthusiasm about was the water, sewer, garbage are paid. My son got rid of a bunch of stuff from the garage today, he burned it. You have to know we have had different members of family, in-laws, significant other-in-laws, and all sorts of family put stuff in the garage. Scott started telling me what he had burned and I said "I don't want to know, if it was in the garage, no one remembers having it anyhow." How can you get enthusiastic or happy? I am such a downer most of the time.

Gwen, I guess I must stay in a bad mood. People tip-toe around me. I keep remembering Billy saying to them "Mama gets a pass." I guess I will be remembered as a shrew. I wonder if we care about those things in the way beyond where we cannot see or hear from someone we might like to hear from.

I'm home. Saw the apartment, was worried about the bills, but think I can swing two places, just won't have utilities turned on down there until June. I liked the apartment. A widow lives across the way from me. It took me forever with the rules and regulations and signing all the agreements. I don't care. It is worth it not to have to replace appliances, fix the roof or plumbing, or anything else. A real little fireplace that does not rely on electricity to force the heat out like our last two did. Seems stupid if you don't have electricity that you cannot really feel the warmth of a fire. Tough time coming to this house but my son was here to meet me. I am so lucky I really don't have to do anything by myself. Again, I am blessed with some things.

@Kay, I don't do October anymore. I will do Halloween for the kids, but that is October 31st. My calendar only has 11 months and the year 2015 never happened.

Seventeen years seems like a long time Maryann, 17 months is just a heartbeat away. I wish I could offer magic, mystical, imaginative Angelic words that would lift our dark clouds, but I am afraid I am in danger of tear cloudbursts at any time myself. We are all walking this slippery slope together, and hopefully words from others can help us hold on. Hugs to you this morning.

Oh Cookie, I am so sorry. I have said our street has five widows on it. My neighbor widow is my salvation. Her home and heart are open to me 24 hours a day. Being a close class of high school graduates of over half century, having many close widow friends after working with women for 43 years, I have a vast network of women widow friends. Some have remarried. I just want to live long enough to get resettled and attend our newly started ole friends dinners in my home town. I have even rediscovered gossiping. Not sure if I really like that as Billy was my best friend for gossiping. I feel close to the young Billy in this area where we both started every phase of our life together and were kids. I will find me a church and rediscover the faith I have lost along the way. And if I am not allowed time to do all this, then C'est la vie. I'm sorry those lost souls did not realize we all need each other. Until then, you have all of our virtual hugs and friendship.

Karen, Billy and I used to "hike" (just walk) all of these Arkansas back roads and trails for the 18 years we have been in this state. Sometimes we would never see a single person. One memorial hike was back in the woods along the Fourch-Lafave River. I found three new pair of hiking boots, an unsolved mystery. We enjoyed these solitary trails. For now, I do not go our customary walks, I just cannot. I "hike" around Walmart now and will walk around the apartment complex now. If I am going to live, and so far, I am not slipping away, so I guess I will have to take care of what body I am left with. Maybe not hikes anymore, but as long as I can walk, I will have to start practicing better health habits. I prefer to hide.