Margm

No, I love birds, Billy and I fed them all the time. I don't know what to make of these city birds, they are so loud they wake me up each morning. Just as well be roosters they are so loud. I wish I had my magic thinking again and really believed it was Billy. I go see the apartment tomorrow instead of Friday. I just wanted a plain two bedroom apartment, but this one has a fireplace. We never used the one in our house. I head out tomorrow and hopefully will be moved by June 1st. My granddaughter has been with me for about two months. She will stay here with her mom. I am sure going to miss her. She is my Netflix buddy. I have spent more time on Supernatural, Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill with going to the movies mixed in. Now the job has to be finished. She lived with us most of her life and will be 17 in July. She was Billy's heart and I felt sorta close to him with her with me. It will just be for one month though. She and her mom will probably live at the swimming pool. So, I get to talk to Billy for 175 miles tomorrow, by myself. That does not happen very often. Sometimes I feel I am blessed.

Ana, I have the book you mentioned and the one George mentioned. If I can slow this truck down, I have some reading to do. Thanks.

Maryann, you know my religious upbringing. I, will not debate religion, I do not feel qualified. The little booklet that my mom's hospice social worker gave me was involved the most with the bereaved's anger with God. I won't go into that either, I am not qualified .(I really am qualified). I will admit to being lost, sad/sorrowful, angry, afraid, feeling of urgency, alone in a house full of people, a lot of feeling sorry for me, resentful, and blessed all at the same time. Billy did not suffer long, I had him for 54 short years, and sometimes I get angry that he is gone when it should have been me. I do not know why I am left when he could have accomplished so much more. I feel totally worthless with only a short time left......left to do what? I am cranky, lovable anyhow, and no talent. I do not look forward to decorating an apartment. My talent would be better served in a tent. Oh, did I say I am cranky and feel sorry for me.....so, here I am Billy, I'm staying. I hope he is happy. Our first 10 years were hell on wheels, maybe my last ones will be too. Yeah, I feel sorry for me. Don't want to freak anyone out, but that stupid male cardinal keeps preaching to me. This house is big and he flies from the den's outside tree to the front room's bush just chirping. My hair is no longer red. Don't think this shell can be cracked yet.

For some reason I am blocking out all my old mystical, magic, imaginative feelings and my faith. They are somewhere else and disappeared when Billy left.

Maryann, I am going through a period that I am angry at Billy. I don't know why. I am in Louisiana right now and a loud cardinal wakes me up each day. I have blocked Billy out, not the memory or hurt, just angry for some reason. I have no solution or reasoning for this, it is a puzzle.

I cannot add anything else. I do know that this grief bothers our immune system and stress only knocks it down also. I think we are all susceptible to getting viruses, infections, and other things. We don't eat right, we don't drink enough water. We just do not take care of ourselves. At least, that is my feelings. So, maybe take a little better care of yourself because you have had a lot of stress on your plate. Sometimes consciously I just let myself go, but I have to quit doing that.

One thing about grief is fear. I was afraid to read anything else on any other part of this forum. Well guess what? I did read other parts of this whole forum that might pertain to me. I saw people from this forum I felt I had dug myself into and was not uncomfortable at all. There are other people, new people, on other parts of this whole forum. I did not feel compatible with loss of father or mother, though I have lost my father and if my mother does not outlive the whole family, I might have to go to that one. But, I saw people grieving on other branches of the grief forums. You lose your spouse, you automatically head toward that branch of the forum, but there are other branches that deal with loss of spouse in them also. We go where we feel most comfortable and we are all here to talk about our grief, sometimes things in our life that might show we have stepped off the grief path for a few seconds, and there are other poor suffering souls on other branches that ask for help too. If you feel something you say might show you have insight into their problem, or if like me, you just want them to know you have empathy with them. I feel like my hole I have dug is not so deep this morning but I am keeping my shovel close at hand. My heart is with you all and I want peace for us all, if even for a few minutes. Now, if there really were a geriatric branch, I am not sure I would go, after all, I am still 17.

Well honestly, unless Billy had gone to be a perfect angel, and I know they are supposed to be perfect, Billy would not approve of another man, even in his "perfectness." But, that is just me. I will say there was never another man like Billy, good and bad (and, there was a little bad, even if he did not mean to be.) Not criticizing, I would welcome that first ten years "bad" back if I could do it over again and be deliriously happy with it.

Anne, the name Margaret was handed down through the centuries in our family. I always liked it but no one else ever used it. The name Parthenia was handed down, and Nerine, and I am glad they stopped handing those down. I'm not that attached to any of them, but I think it nice handing down family names.

Me too Gwen and I would silently (oh heck, I cannot be silent) would compare them to Billy, and that would never be fair for them or me. I am okay alone. I think Billy is with me somewhere or the other. I just don't have faith in anything right now and sometimes it gets worse instead of better. Yes, I think Billy would want me to be happy, but happy with family, not someone else. I knew Billy very well and could never hurt him again, even though he is not here in body.

Thundar, my dad passed away 32 years ago. I was in the throes of my own cancer battle. There were only me and my sister and my mom. I often wondered why my mom got angry and we never saw her cry and she never made us feel she was vulnerable at all. She stayed angry at him all these years and now has Alzheimer's and will be 95 next month. Not many sane moments but she saw I had cried, looked up at me and said "You've been crying, it is hard isn't it?" But then she asked my sister if the Marvel comics character Tee shirt she had on was her kids, so the moment was gone. But, I cannot remember crying when my dad passed away. I don't know why. He was my father, why didn't I cry? I certainly cry a lot since my husband passed away. I don't know why I did not cry when my dad passed. I have wondered, but fighting cancer took all my time up and it seemed like I did not have time to cry. I have no answers, but Marty always does and read her articles, they do help so very much. And, from reading your post, I think you were a very caring son. I am sorry for your loss. I think the forums here are wonderful. They have helped me so much. I found them three days after my husband passed away and I was really a danger to myself. Grief is rough for all of us survivors.

Karen, that at least sounds positive. I know they have strung you around before, but at least you talk to someone who admits you are a person living in that house and something is being done. I am happy for you. Anything positive at a time like this ...........well, it is positive. We need positive. My heart is with you.

I have help when I ask for it Kay. They know this cleaning out of Billy's things is my job and I won't let anyone help me, except to lift what I cannot. When I get back Friday it will be all done, all of his stuff done and poor Scott, he knows how touchy I am right now and he told me when his dad was sick and I was fussing, and he wanted to say something (Scott), Billy told him "Mama gets a pass." So, now everybody handles me with "kid gloves" and they know when to help and when I get back from this trip it is no holds barred until the first of June. Then I will be out of here. And assuming I live through it, I won't look back.

Ana, Gwen, I don't think this feeling ever leaves. We do get distractions. My granddaughter just reminded me of something funny and we both laughed. Five minutes ago I had tears in front of the computer screen where she could not see. Just random tears that happen without it being dramatic. It just happens. My neighbor, who is coming up on five years, told me yesterday that she went to the patio door and was so reminded of going to the same patio doors and calling down the hill at her husband to come to supper and she just cried. I think we are going to do this as long as we live. And as far as finding someone else? My Billy definitely would show himself if that ever happened, so it will never happen. Two of my widow classmates remarried and it sounds like a nightmare to me. Even if I were younger it would not happen for me.

Okay, is it because it is May 1st or is it because I just had to get rid of all of Billy's fly tying equipment? How in this world could I have kept it? How many days did he keep me company tying flies while I worked at my job on the computer? He could have been fishing all the rivers around us but he would not leave me at home working. I didn't care if he went fishing but he just would not leave me. I was not working because I had to, I was working because my job was my hobby. So, I guess he did his hobby while I did mine. Our daughter wanted to put his flies on Ebay and he argued and quit tying them and started doing another hobby, wrapping fishing rods, then she wanted to put them on Ebay. Dammit, that boy did not want to make money on his hobby. And the money I made went for taxes. Cannot turn back time. Anyhow, seems today is a bad day for most of us. I don't know what May 1st has to do with anything, or Sunday, or just being.

I know this is stupid and I know we all do it. It is a fact they are gone. No other way to look at it. I know he is in my heart, but after 54 years, and I know how lucky I am, I just look at the sky and I say "I cannot believe your gone." I know he did not do it on purpose and God knows I could not keep him 70 years like the Queen has kept Prince Philip but selfish me, I just wonder, why couldn't I? I do look at the ones who only spent short times with their mate and I do so feel sorrow for them. They had dreams unfulfilled that Billy and I filled our life with. I don't want to be selfish, but dammit, I sure miss that boy every minute of every day. I do get the numb-down feeling sometimes and I welcome it like a meth user must welcome the dumb-down feeling. It just doesn't happen fast enough and I sometimes am afraid that I cannot get rid of everything in time. I don't mind leaving at all, I just have so much stuff to get rid of. And, I cannot get rid of Billy. So there it is, it is out there in black and white. I can try to make light of things but sometimes they just get very heavy. And 54 years seems like a long time to all of you, but they went so fast, it was only yesterday.

The place I live is beyond beauty. It is peaceful and way too much for me to take care of. You see, I am basically a lazy person. (I did work 43 years, retired from two hospitals, but that was not work, I liked it.) There are at least two acres of just grass and three bedrooms and two baths to a gypsy minded person. My favorite house ever was a 19 foot 5th wheel RV. I kept it clean. The smaller the better. I am partial to those little houses, but would have to have a slide to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night. There are Arkansas mountains all around me, the houses are hidden between hills and valleys. There are only nine houses on this circle drive and five inhabited by widows. I gotta get outta here. Billy and I had plans to leave. He got sick too fast and was gone too fast. I have no sentimental feelings about this house and I know I am wrong in this, but I blame Arkansas for killing him, which I realize is insane, but that is just me. I will never return. I realize Cookie and you other fellow grievers that to some of you your house is part of your life. My neighbor is like that too. Her husband built their house and she will leave only one way. I understand those that cannot leave. My mom could not leave either. I'm just afraid this damn house is gonna kill me too before I get to leave it. If you ever get a chance, watch the animated movie "Monster House."

I love both of your smiling mates. What a beautiful picture of your two loves. Your ladies are beautiful. When I was a teenager I would forego a date on some Saturday nights just so I could watch Steve McQueen on TV.. At a Christmas party at our college after high school, (just a matter of months) my girlfriend wanted me to meet her boyfriend's best friend. They called him on the phone. I was reluctant. And in walked a real-life version of Steve McQueen, only taller. He grew a beard in the 1970's to cover that beautiful baby face of his. Never shaved it (except to trim), but I did not miss any other Saturday night dates to watch Steve McQueen on TV. A long time ago. Seems like only yesterday.

The only thing I have an opinion on right now is grief, so I am getting rid of any judgement, no one asked me.

Laura, in the whole scheme of things, I guess it really does not matter if someone feels we are in the wrong place. It made me get out of this hole I had dug and I found people I knew from this forum on other branches too. I did not see a geriatrics forum, so I guess that means I can roam all over. I will try this. It did not hurt me to look and although I had a fear of venturing out of my freshly dug hole, it felt good and bad to climb out. Good, because I saw "friends." Bad because I don't know if I am ready to leave my cozy cocoon, yet I know I must eventually. Maybe. Who knows? Anyhow, it is nice to make your's and Lena's acquaintance. Makes me wonder, why do we always think of dogs as "he, him" and cats as "she, her"? And that is my word salad for today.

This is painfully true Mitch.

I don't know if my cancer could have been healed naturally. That said, I had started Billy on the green drinks and have both Ninja mixers. It was too little, too late. In my case, the thing that saved my life for 32 years (longer now) nearly killed me after 32 years. Now my insides are destroyed to any remedy that has any raw vegetables (and I loved them) and I am limited to eating a low residue diet and cannot go off it. It was too late for Billy, and even ground up in a Ninja mixer, I cannot eat the raw vegetables. I can drink Boost, Ensure, and eat all the things that are bad for us like fried food and white flour. I cannot eat anything with fiber in it. (My dietitian could not believe this was a lifelong thing, but it is). The ruptured colon and sepsis came so close to killing me that Billy had to face things I had not thought of since I had cancer. Those painful months after the rupture, he understood more than I did. The medical cure radiation gave me a bunch of years, but in the end (no pun intended), it makes it where nothing can be repaired in this old gal's "innards" and I can only limp along with what was left me. I do okay though, and if it gets me closer to Billy, I just really don't care.

I conquered my fear of getting out of my hole I have dug for myself. Reminds me of the words to some country song (probably) about "is there life out there" and I do not mean people from other planets, although sometimes I question what planet I am on and what planet other people come from. (Not really). I did this reluctantly, but surprise-surprise, I recognized some people. So now, if I decide to branch out, there are still friends that I know from this branch of the forum. I am semi-comfortable. Maybe this is what grief is, like little birds, we do have to try our wings. And, with that said, I will go clean out another cabinet. Somehow, we used to believe we were not supposed to work on a Sunday. Well, I just took the garbage cans out to the road, I thought it was Monday. I need to get back in church, for a lot of reasons, but one is so that I won't go get the mail on Sunday or carry the garbage cans out to the road.

I have a congenital tremor, when I get excited my hands shake more. I have always been thankful I did not want to be a neurosurgeon, nurse, or waitress. Unless I get too excited, it makes my fingers type faster so I guess God put me as a transcriptionist for a reason. Grief counselors are a special calling, like ministers, doctors, nurses, etc. My good friend was a transcriptionist. We lost our jobs to voice recognition on a computer. (No big deal for me because 43 years was enough). She went back to school and became a nurse. Her calling was to be a hospice nurse. There are special people in this world, and we know some of them by their first name.

When I get settled down more, I will visit all the sites on Marty's suggestion list. Right now, time for me is limited.. I will say that all the family had necklaces made with cremation remains. It was such a small amount for each one. When we all got the beautiful necklaces, we all found, all of us to include everyone of us, we could not wear them. I have no idea why. My beautiful purple stone with Billy's thumbprint will be placed beside his beautiful heavy wooden urn. I do not know why we cannot wear them. Perhaps it is just too soon.