Margm

Now Laura, that is a horse of a different color. Xanax here. So, this pot cannot call the kettle black. I think they figured out the female wrestler or fighter Chynna (sp?) died of a combination of Ambien and Xanax (if I read it right), so I have tempted fate a couple of nights. I don't know if I can sleep without it. But, I don't know if I ever want to try to do without it. It calms my congenital tremor, so I am good. And, if it was not the tremor, I probably could find another excuse. My sister says the cigarettes calm her and Mama too. We gave Billy weed at his sickest and it made him feel lots better. You do whatcha gotta do I guess.

Okay, I started a discussion about tobacco and I'm sorry. Maybe Billy's spirit is around. That is something he would still argue with me. Only he cannot argue with me anymore, he is gone. For some of my friends husbands, he lived a much longer and productive life. Does not matter. Tobacco does not matter. Arkansas does not matter, teaching hospitals do not matter and actually save some people, maybe more than they hurt, I do lash out at things sometimes. And as far as tobacco goes, how can you argue with perfection, Mama still has her "friends" at age 95, her Alzheimer's even lets her eat the filters and tobacco and papers.

Mitch, I believe Billy had courage that I cannot match. I do not know what pain he went through thinking it was his back. I do know when he lost all his dignity, being the man that he was, he lost his fight, and also, the cancer had advanced so far and he had been put through such pain and experiments at the teaching hospital, he had no fight left. With the brain aneurysm a ticking bomb, we actually do not know what was the cause of death. The delay in the ER of hours upon hours, the three day prep for a colonoscopy that had him so weak he could not fight, or the breathlessness in the hospital room with me having to calm his breath down. At 75, his heart might could not have tolerated the weight of everything. I just know when he left, he took me with him.. And, all the emotions in the world won't bring him back. I can get angry at God or I can appreciate all the years we had together that was not given to so many. Right now, I am on the multiple course of thankful, angry, and sad.

I lash out at things sometimes that don't matter a whit right now.. When they are gone, they are just gone. I'm off my soap box about what killed Billy, I don't know what killed him. By statistics he had another year to be on the statistical list of normal for males to die. See, I said the dreaded words, dead, die, killed, whatever. They are just gone.. I just miss Billy.

Brad, right now I have a hate for tobacco. But, I was never addicted to it. I know it is an addiction hard to quit. I know it so well. But, like I have said so many times, Mama is nearly 95 and she eats the things. But some people are poisoned by it. I don't know that is what killed Billy, it was a compilation of things, but I have to have anger at something and this is what I blame. After the horses are out of the barn, no need closing the door. And I don't know how that old saying goes, but that is the gist of it. I have learned from living half a century with Billy, never to criticize tobacco in any form. After that boy quit smoking he became a hypocrite in the worse way. Could not stand people smoking around him, yet he could not give up that smokeless kind. Could-not-give-it-up. I said we never fussed about money, we didn't, we fussed about tobacco, but eventually we quit fussing about that. I lost the battle. I lost Billy too. And I want you all to know, I might be a country redneck, but I know not to argue politics, religion..........or tobacco. Sometimes I slip. I have had my addictions, so it is the pot calling the kettle black.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson I didn't want to start a new topic, so I figured that courage must mean hope also, so here it is. I know they say that you should take a year before you do such a big endeavor as moving. I am still fighting this endeavor. Yesterday, cleaning out a cabinet in the washroom I found Billy's cache of tools that he uses hidden in the cabinet. No secret we have family in at all times. I know why these were in this cabinet. They were the tools that he used and he did not want people to lose them. We have tools all over the house. A big tool box with rusted tools found yesterday too. They were in the little red outhouse that we stored things in, roof leaked, and we did not look at these things until everything was ruined and had to be burned and thrown away. I think I could clean the tools with WD40, but I won't. I will put the tools in the cabinet in "my" toolbox. If they were what Billy used, maybe I can too. I seem to do like others, one step ahead, two steps backwards. Billy was always with me to make these decisions. I don't use "tools" but occasionally I can use a screwdriver. My mom was "toolman." Daddy had taught her all about tools. Billy would say "that's my job." Finding his fishing flies threw me back a day. Now the tools. I will get out of this house but perhaps that year's gauge meant things like this. Somehow, I think a year from now they would still throw me off course. It is slow going. I can do this.

I went ahead and deleted what I said about smokeless tobacco and the cigarette smoking. That is a personal choice just like my taking the amphetamines in the 70s when they were legal and I had a prescription. I certainly won't be the pot calling the kettle black. I have enough crap under my front porch that I need to take care of so my fussing about stuff I cannot control, stuff that is gone now would be pointless. Everyone has to do what they have to do. I will take my Xanax till the cows come home, but I won't mix it with anything. Billy's smokeless tobacco only bothers me because I feel it added to Billy's death. But that is just me. And, what do I know? Besides, I am the one who blames the state of Arkansas for killing him, now how sane is that?

Gwen, I am famous for hating housework. I meant it for truth. My mama called me Moonbeam McSwine, a character from Little Abner (probably before your time), a girl who lived with the pigs. My mother-in-law only had one bad thing to say about me and it was that I was no housekeeper. I thought I was doing pretty good if that was the only thing bad she could say about me.. I have a son and granddaughter that have my clutter habits too. I am paying for it all now trying to get the clutter out of this house to move..

Kay, Billy was for gun rights, and I am not against them. But, I have a congenital tremor that becomes more pronounced when I get scared. A gun in my hand would shoot myself in the head or foot. I have pepper spray but would like to have bear spray. I guess I could just as well blind myself. No solutions. We have never been broke into. If they did they would take a look at my house and figure someone had already broke in and leave.

Obviously the police and an ambulance come to my street if I use ear buds listening to meditation and cannot hear my phone, at near 2:00 a.m. But I am leaving a no crime area with a deputy sheriff living at the end of the street for unknown trouble. Still have to do it. George, I can understand your dad's frustration. Yours too.

Thunder, my mom will be 95 in June. When she was young her mom was sick all the time and the six little kids had the run of the country. (Way, way out in the country). She and her brother would go up to the churchyard pre-school age and pick up "shorts" of cigarettes. So, she actually started smoking when she was a child. My sister still lets her have cigarettes each day (says they calm anxiety) but she has to be watched or she will eat them. Strange, before Alzheimer's, she called cigarettes her friends. I think she is held together by nicotine strands because she still smokes, and will eat them occasionally (makes her throw up), Alzheimer's is a sad disease. All of her sisters lived up to edge the 90's and one lived over the 90's. The men all died young though. Sign of the times.

Billy's oncologist said to the both of us "shoulda, woulda, coulda" and just those words made me angry because they were so true. And, you feel so helpless after they are gone, but when they are with us we think we are strong enough to pull off a miracle. Even to the very last minute. Terrible misconception on my part. But to the ones who wake up in the morning and their mate is gone, had not even been sick. Nothing we can do. Cannot second guess gone. I don't have these as often now JJ, but I sure did think it a lot in the last six months. And I beat myself up thinking I should have seen something. I didn't. After he was diagnosed I noticed things. But, "what if"......... I'll bet we all have had them too. I know your circumstances are different, but your grief is the same intolerable pain. My heart is with you.

Mitch, it was just a series of life and mistakes that made us so much stronger the last 20-30 years because we fought through it. We didn't have to do that, but we became best friends instead of just partners. Life seems useless without him, but I think we have all hit that stage more than once.

Billy and I started out as kids on shaky ground, but ended up on rock at the end. We were just kids for a long time.

That is such good news. I woke up this morning thinking about Gracie and how strong a fighter she is. How can any of us give up? Thanks for updating us Butch.

Sometimes I want to question other people's relationships, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors? An acquaintance (not a friend) tried to work the hours just opposite her husband's hours so she would not have to be around him. He passed away. I wonder if she felt true grief for the years they raised two boys or if she had hated him so much she could not be around him. Now she isn't, I wonder if she grieves. It did not happen long ago. I never thought about it till now. She is a public person, minor politics. People disliked her and finally got her out of office. I wonder if she relives her mistake. My mother with only anger, my friend with terrific anger. Who were they angry at. My last emotion showed to Billy was anger because I thought he was giving up, I did not know he actually was dying. And, that is something I hope I am forgiven for. He loved being held so much. I showed him anger. The most loved person in my life ever, how could I do that? That I have to let go.. I just wish he could tell me he forgives me.

Gin, the last time I cried, and it won't be my last time for sure, but that time I quit. I told myself that all the tears in the world would not bring him back and then I was just silent. I did not even talk to him. I always talk to him when I am by myself.

I'm sorry about that Kay.. Should never happen. I liked mind out of body. I got lost one time going to my psychiatrist's office. That is when I learned about the word disassociation. I was glad there was a word for that wonderful feeling that saves your mind from overload. I have not had it since Billy passed though. And I was always alone when I would have it. It was not like I depended on someone, even Billy, because I thought I was dying anyhow.

Kay, I had Billy for 54 years and it was not enough time. It never would have been enough time.

They were our life Mitch. Now we have half a life, if even half. But, I guess we all will learn to walk again, or we won't.

Gin, she really does not understand. My friend who told me that I would now find out who I am, she had lost her husband, had been married 3 days before I had. She remarried after two years and this husband has been at death's door for 11 years. And, she did understand. I guess she will understand again and I dread it for her. Makes you wonder if people that say things like that envy you your "freedom." And, it is a freedom we don't want. My friend was angry at her husband the whole two years before remarrying. He had cancer. It was not like he wanted to go, but she and my mother both treated their grief as anger at their husband's for leaving. Maybe that is a self protective mechanism for them. I cannot remember Mama grieving like this.

Patty, you need to get some Boost or Ensure. I hate the vanilla but can drink the strawberry and butter pecan. You can get them down fast and don't have to worry about eating for awhile. But the guys on here tell us that we have to take care of ourselves. You have staff working with you that seem to want to help take care of you too. Don't feel guilty about numb-down feelings, the other ones invade fast enough that you don't have to feel guilty. And we are here, anyone of us have had the same feelings you are having at different times, sometimes endlessly. Sometimes those are just holding their head above water after a year. I understand workaholic. But, we do have to come up for air, even if we don't want to. Think about your baker. You saw how bad he was after that length of time. I counted the "girls" in my group of graduates at a get together that were widows. There were only 3-4 that were not widows. They tell me that it gets easier. I don't think they mean the pain or suffering, I think they mean just living. We are here.

Patty, I got so angry when a friend of mine, who had lost her husband and remarried, she told me now I would be able to find out who I was. I didn't want to find out who I was, I knew who I had been and still was. Like I said, I never was by myself. Went directly to Billy, never on my own. It is just too damn late in life to be on my own. But then I have a 95-year-old mother I have to worry about too so I doubt I will ever find out who I am. I was Elvie and Syble's red headed daughter, Marcy's sister, Billy's wife, Scott and Kelli's mother, grandmother to three, great grandmother to three. I am in there somewhere. I worked 43 years, sometimes working three jobs a week just because we were a teaching hospital and when other hospitals needed transcriptionists they would call us. At one time I was working days, evenings, and week ends. Just because I could. I loved my job. Then voice recognition came along and they wanted me to be an editor of such things heard by the computer as doctor saying "parenthesis" and the computer hearing "bull flatus." I had to listen to this crap and make corrections and be called an editor. I hated it and figured 43 years was enough. I have no idea who I am except a grieved widow. I do realize I was blessed to have Billy for 54 years, made many milestones, but we were not through living yet. Things had just cleared where we could live but not both of us. I know numb so well. I love numb. I hate coming out of it. Patty, hang in with us. We are all at different stages in our grief and each stage is repeated over and over. I do look forward to the numb-down sessions though. I will tell you this, at six months I do not cry as much as I used to. I would cry until I was breathless and it felt so good that maybe I would not have to catch my breath, but I always did. Just hang in girl. We are here. .

Kay, I ordered the necklaces when I was making the arrangements. They have his thumb print on it. And I don't know why, but none of us can wear them. I put mine with his wooden urn. The urn is heavy and beautiful. It has a tree engraved on top and a verse. We had our last camping trip on the Gila River in the Gila Wilderness. That first night a bunch of animals were having a party around our tent. I hit on the tent and yelled at them and then we found out what kind of animals they were. I don't know how many sprayed our tent but we could only sleep with the sleeping bags zipped up around our head. It was a party of skunks.

How true. Gwen, I didn't get it the first time either. Got it now.