Margm

Somehow I got on something back from 2016. I am so talented..

I did contact her. I had already tried to sign in. Actually just shut myself out. I'm back in though, have this new email and almost feels like I've moved out of another zip code. I am not sure what I'm doing, so will just keep going like I am. Y'all know who I am. Got to go try to help at my sisters now. I have her a cell phone and all she has to do is put it in the cradle at night to charge it up. She did not pay her bill for her internet/TV/home phone, so the cell is all she has. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a foreign ocean and do not know how to maneuver these waters. I was ill for so long, would wonder why Billy had to leave instead of me, and guess I know the reason.

My daughter worked so hard to get it to where I would understand it. After dark she said "I can tell your frustrated, so we will quit." I'm back, and I have to keep looking because I figure I will screw things up. Not even sure where I am because there is "old me" and then the "new old me" and I will just run with that. Tomorrow this young lady (one of my daughter's friends) who works helping clean houses, she is going to come to help my sister. I mean she has about 4-5 floor to ceiling bookcases and boxes of books to fill them up. And, she has given half of them away. Books: I have always loved books. I love the smell of them, the feel of a book. But, in reality, moving into an RV, I gave them all away and when we moved back into a house again, I never collected them. Everything I read is on the Kindle. Reality hits hard some time. I do worry about you Gwen. My granddaughter is given a list of counselors to pick another. They all tell her "you have to learn to love yourself." I do not know what has happened to our medical system. And the doc gives antidepressants. Eventually you get into a mood that you can't even cry. Most of the time it seems they are fighting against us. You are putting up such a terrific fight. My sister has a week of chemo and on the 5th day she is better. Then she has to undergo it all again. We just really do not know what is going on. All I can think of is "falling through the cracks" and they have not even told her if/or when she will have surgery. I wish she was a fighter like you. She is more of an "ignoring and it will go away" type person. The stoma they gave her are old and do not last as long, I don't know what they call them. I do lose my cool with her. Sometimes you have to fight for survival, and I know she is in pain. I just wish she would fight instead of fighting it and running away. I guess I better quit for now (if I am here at all). I do see it.

He held out his arms to me. I hit them down and turned my back. I was not going to let him go. He didn't listen to me.

I think it will take me more time than I have until tonight to catch up. When I first signed up on, I think, October 20 or 21st, 2015, either I was a lot sharper, completely numb/dumb, or some other phenomenon. I have had the same email for years. Kelli gave me a new computer with a lot of bells and whistles that are beyond my brain dead life and it is taking time to get used to them. In signing in, proving I was not a robot was hard. (I might be one). I am now Margm, but you know me as Marg (I think). Will write more later. Have to help my sister keep from being thrown out of her small apartment. She failed inspection because she is on chemo and has not been feeling 100%. We have someone coming in tomorrow to help her. Really, with full moving boxes, it looked more like a hoarder's apartment than an acceptable one. Sometimes old dogs do not want to learn new tricks. (I sure don't, as proved by my lack of intelligence in signing back into this forum. ) I think we get complacent with the way things are right now and are afraid of any change. Facing the day right now at noon, will read more on the forum tonight. I've got to go to my sister's apartment. She is sweet to me, but is rather churlish with anyone who tries to help her. Will try to straighten myself out on here later.

I think that is about as clear as a person can be on how to rebuild a new life. Of course, I would prefer to have my old life back, but I am elderly, and feel I would not change a thing if I could relive it again. But, for someone young enough to rebuild their life, you seem to have the right attitude.

I still feel there is someone for everyone. I found mine, like the others, I'm still married, though I do have to put "widow" on some things. My son was married nine years, two children, they were so young and I'm afraid I interfered or he would not have gotten married. It was another place in time. They both were so young and she did run around on him, he did not, but he was not blameless. Next he went with a young lady for nine years. They tried living together and could not, but could still date "because she was one who would not run around on him." Unfortunately, he was wrong, and I had learned not to interfere. Now, at his age, he is not interested. I wish he was. He lives/sleeps in one end of the mobile home and his sister lives in the other end. He works 11-7, sleeps days and does not find time in between to be interested. Actually, they get along better than they have with any of their partners. They both say they want a marriage like ours was, but they lived through all our mistakes, they just remember the last 20 years or so. My granddaughter is just so beautiful and sweet. She has had one boyfriend for over a year and he broke up with her. She innocently believed everything he said, and cannot understand why he lied. Right now we are looking for another counselor. I've got to get her to leave the apartment, just to see the sun, before I can do that. The main thing all the counselors say, "don't push her." Okay. I am being good, but can you imagine how much restraint I have to put on myself? Y'all probably know, but I am actually being good. I think if you really want companionship, and I'm not referring to a pet, but if you want someone to share your life with, there is someone for you, if you do not compare them with your "perfect" partner. I always realized no one could compare to Billy. He was the most imperfect perfect person for me and it was true, I was him and he was me. Ana, your young. I think you will find someone, or someone will find you. We see people from our group that have disappeared and I believe they are living their life now. We cannot relive the past. You will find someone worthy of you and you worthy of them.

When I went to local grief-share at a local church, I found no men were in the group. Was not looking for companionship, this was observation-ship. One woman told me that men remarry. That was answer enough for her, but having been on this group, I realize sometimes that happens, and with women also. When a woman was sharing her grief about her son being shot out of his "hunting stand" I knew I was only asking for more depression in a time I had to think of myself. I left each meeting crying. I've never considered another partner/romance of any sort. A bad thing to do, I guess, but I crawled into myself and tried getting out with "girlfriends" but we were not just girls anymore. Perhaps I preferred to wallow in my grief, and let it go at that. Still how I feel seven years later. But, I have got to say this about a "young lady" I know. She is the manager of my apartments. She is very business-like, efficient, able to have compassion along with being firm with those who would try to push her over. When I moved in here three years ago she was celebrating her new cowboy marriage, pictures, happiness, etc. I was happy for her. Her first husband had passed away a few years before. Then all of a sudden, she was a widow again. I was so sorry, but she took appropriate time off, was sort of brusque (of course) in business, not as personable (and can definitely understand.) Now, three years later her maintenance man told me she had a new "boyfriend." He was happy for her. I am happy for her. Much too young to give up hope, as many of us do, but also, many of us do not want to experience a different "romance." This is just choice. No wrongs or rights. I remember a member with the name of "Cookie" and I think she was thinking of jumping back into the relationship pool. We have not heard from her, so I can only hope she found happiness again. I do not know what Heaven is. I only know my grandmother wrote about her marriage "the only Heaven I knew on Earth" and I hope it is as perfect in Heaven (without all her illness) as it was for her on Earth. A pure and honest love. And no, no one could compare with Billy. I have no thoughts of anything except seeing him again. One other thought, I'm not sure but that he may have looked for other romance. I'm sure, if my mom had gone first, I'm sure I would have had a stepmother.

I have all my information on Yahoo and have a Google account, but just got used to using the Yahoo. Will just change things to my Google. I get frustrated very easy, but that is not really anything new to me.. I take my daughter for some tests that she has to be sedated for Friday and my sister is hanging in and has some problems, but it is getting used to not having a job paycheck mostly. Right now I am pretty down, perhaps being pulled three ways. My son calls me each night and he "listens" to me talk. He is like his dad, he either does not talk much or I never let either of them say much.

See, that is just not right. It is not right for the offshore people, it is like the old sweatshops, rules don't apply, no overtime, any number of hours, etc. My cousin fought for same pay for women professors at her college she went to and received all her degrees from. She had the same tenure as the men, but she was a woman teaching the same classes and got paid less. She took retirement early. They would not change the rules. In the 1950's my dad sold my mom's new house without telling her. (I'll bet she whispered it in his ear on his dying bed.) I'll bet he wished he hadn't done that. They stayed together and she flipped another house to look better than the last. Men can't do that anymore. A wife has some rights. I became friends with a guy who owned a transcription service years ago, he was in Japan (I think). He wanted me to work for him and they did not pay him much. Yet, he was the man of his whole family and he was very prosperous. I was proud of him. You write beautiful English, but some of the people who are forced to talk to me do not understand this deep southern old woman with a very country accent. Oh yes and the cheapest service will be $5 a month, where I didn't pay anything for at least 15 or more years. (My two orders at Dairy Queen were almost twice what I had been paying.) So, guess that is with us but I was afraid to get groceries because I can't drive after dark. (I didn't plan ahead).

I'm online, but Kelli gave me a newer computer and set it up for me. I can get in my google account but not my yahoo.com account. My sister is having another course of chemo and she has it put in, they use some other kind of chemo and then she goes home with another kind in a sort of carrier for constant chemo until probably Friday. Cannot expect her to be in a good mood (gotta fake one if you have to show a smiling face on chemo). She is not fake. Food tastes bad for awhile but then she can eat. She actually feels good for a few days (or at least better), but still won't sign up for the things she needs. (Does not want to get the papers together.) She reminds me so much of my dad. I had to have Brianna take a picture of my drivers license and I've frozen myself out of the yahoo account until tomorrow. Google is so easy to use but I have used the yahoo account for so many years. Only talk to people across the pond. Two I just had to tell them they were talking to someone who did not speak English (me), and only talked "old southern woman English." Had to hang up on them. They use nothing but Oriental, and I love Oriental people (my granddaughter's father was from Thailand.) She has the beautiful skin, dark hair and eyes, but eyes are only slightly Oriental and of course she speaks English. I keep thinking though, it would be good to hire Americans, or whatever nationality they could train and keep the services in the USA. (See, it is a good day for me, I only have to rant, I'm good at that.). Will try to get on when I get my yahoo fixed. I came through the side door for today's rant.

George, hope things are smoother. I am going to read your post about the woman and grief.

You were there. You should not have to be offered. You want some of what they are cooking? Get your portion and if anyone says something, tell them that you thought they had enough sense to feed a guest. You are your son's mom, who really is family, not a guest.

Last one. Why does it have to be this way. It is Monday, October 17th. This is a day. Period. Does it ever quit? It will when I leave. One of you might have sent this to me. Does anything help? Heck no. But I do talk to the moon.

I've quoted this before. It was in my memories from a few years ago on FB, came on after midnight. I know she wanted to leave her marriage early, husband Joe was a lot to handle. Being devout Catholics, her dad would not let her leave. I think we have come a long way with the Me2 movement, but we as women sometimes in her days, and later on too, were considered as lesser humans. But, it was not always that way. Billy did tell me marriage was 75/25, and guess which part was mine. I worked myself up to 50/50 though. Our older generation of people we miss terribly, but we have had some enlightening,

I still share some of my prayer time talking to Jesus and Billy. Somehow, I don't think either mind. Now, that might be some abnormal, but normal never fit me anyhow and I think they understand. Both of them.

Karen, that says so much in so few words. I think a lot of us understand.

I know you'd rather be at your home. I worry about our hurricanes and tornados, heavy humidity, but I never think about what NM, Arizona, California, and all up the coast, what you all have to go through. I'm so sorry. I read about a NM fire that burned through one of our campgrounds we had gone to a few times. I was glad I got to see it when it was beautiful and green. I was hoping the ocean being close would help blow away the winds, but obviously I do not know about other parts of this country. My sister said the air in my apartment was heavy yesterday. I had thermostat on 76, so I put it to 74. Put it back to 75 when she left and we are forecast temps in the 30's as lows next week. It is 87 right now. I hope you get to go home soon. I wonder if it is aggravating to Gwen in Seattle and I think Dee is in Washington also. Kevin's -degrees sure made me think I do not know this continent at all.

Well, I could deny it. I could turn my back on it. It didn't matter what I did, I could not stop it, but I could not accept it either. We both were immortal, until we weren't. 1960 seems so far away, but it was only yesterday. His best friend met me, (his longtime girlfriend and I were fast friends). It was a Christmas party at our trade school. All the departments were having the party. He looked at me and he said "she is for Billy." No cell phones, 1960, remember). Got him on the phone, he wanted to go out that night. I had a date. He told me I didn't know what I was missing. Smart-alecky fellow. Finally agreed to a blind date. I had a friend-boy, not a boyfriend, take me to meet up with my friend, her boyfriend and Billy. He was aggravated I had someone bring me. I didn't go on blind dates without someone to save me if I didn't want to be there. I was 18 for four months, he was 20 for five months. I told my friend he could leave, I had found a tall Steve McQueen. Six months going steady he knew I was going to leave home somehow. School finished, job to find. Scheduled marriage instead. He knew I was running away from home, and the reasons. We had fun, we had no money, he had a steady state job. My teachers told me we could not live on that amount. (It is important to note, he told me his wife was not going to work, he was begging me to after the second child and he was tired of working two jobs.) I knew nothing about getting groceries. We ate up bacon and tomato sandwiches fast. His folks lived about three miles away. We were not city folks, we were all country, flatlander, crawdad mud between our toes. His mom fixed pinto beans, beautiful cornbread, sweet tea and onions from his dad's garden. We fished the borrow-pits of Dorcheat Bayou. We had fish to fry. He had told me he couldn't have kids, he didn't think, because of the mumps. He was right, he couldn't have them but I sure could. Scott was born a week before our first anniversary. Fifty-four years, one child later, and then he left me. He wasn't ready to go. It happened so fast, a cane one week, walker the next, wheelchair the next and then he was gone. A lot of bad times, but somehow we stayed together and the last 30 years were just contentment. I miss him. If I had it to do over I would not change a thing, even the bad times. In two days it will be seven years he has been gone. Like my grandma said, "it seems like yesterday."

I cannot think of words to say. I am so glad you and your family reconciled. My close friend remarried, took care of her sick husband and let her own health go. She still gets around some days, but she has congestive heart failure and is going on dialysis. I do know that losing your partner puts you in a defeated state, but finding your family again gives you reason to fight. My sister, who is 10 years younger than I am, she is fighting colorectal cancer now. I've got to say, the chemotherapy she deemed "poison" has given her a new start to things. For now she is more ambitious than I have seen her in years. Alfred, Lord Tennyson said 'More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of. ' So, that is what we will do. I don't think the person you pray for has to believe the same as I do, it just matters that I believe it. Please write in again and we will help support you all we can.

Marty Robbins sang one of his last songs "Some Memories Just Won't Die" and I cry every time I hear it. I don't force myself to listen to it. On FB they have a memories section for each day from years back. I do not like to visit that time seven years ago, but two days before Billy "left" this was posted by me. I still feel that way.

They mean well, but you have to learn the difference in empathy and sympathy. You will know the ones that know the difference.

I have quoted this incident so many times. The 18 years you mention just brought the thoughts on again. My grandmother was born in 1899. She took care of a houseful of her younger brothers and sisters and she read, everything she could. She was so smart, at 15, during a debate at her school, she won the debate by proving the world was flat. Of course everyone knew it wasn't, but her way of describing, debating, it won the prize for her. (Do not know what the prize was.) She wrote for the parish newspaper (we do not have counties in Louisiana), since she was 14-years-old. Then at a party, way out in the country where all of my relatives came from, her knight on a "white horse" rode up. (The horse was not white), but she fell totally and instantly in love. He was 12 years older than her, but I have the newspaper clipping from their wedding. She had a horrendous life after marriage, but to her it was the love of a lifetime. He loved her too and called her "Kiddie." Her name was Elizabeth, and all the family thought he was saying "Kitty" for Elizabeth. Not so. She had seven children in 10 years, last one stillborn. Then they found cancer, she underwent radiation and surgery with an instrument/sponge? left inside her that gave her blood poisoning (sepsis), and they called all the family in. She was going to die. My mom was not school age, just a baby, she heard her daddy cursing God all the many miles to the city hospital. Well, God took pity on that cursing "prayer" and she lived only to face a complete nervous breakdown. He nursed her back to health, took care of the kids, bought her fancy clothes and shoes with heels, in style, and she took them to the chopping block and hacked the heels off. Hard to slop the hogs in high heels. The total love of her life. He was everything to her and he was in his 60's when he died. The man would eat nothing but meat, pork mostly. He left her with a little country store, and that kept her busy. So damn smart. She got bored in her 70's and all her kids were grown with families of their own. They told her to write a book of her life. She did, and it is something I treasure. Something all the grandkids, greats and great-greats treasure. A long story to get to what I want to say. About 19 years after my grandfather had passed away (she wrote in her book), a woman came into this way deep in the country store, they talked and the woman said "Well, he has been gone 19 years and you ought to be "over it." My grandmother wrote in her "book" "Over it?, it felt like only yesterday." Monday will be seven years since Billy left. Ii was so lucky to have 54 years with him, but even though the wound has scar tissue, there are times when I cry and cry when I am by myself. He and I could sit together and read for hours without saying a word, just knowing we were there. He said "I am you and you are me" so often, and I think that is true. I can reach my hand up and feel his high cheekbones, he was over a foot taller than me. Only it is really only air I feel. At my age, I just still want to sit and read with him, and I do that a lot. I've done it again folks, I have not forgot how to write a "word salad."

I used to consider myself a survivor and knew happiness as I knew it was not possible, but I thought it encouragement to new widow/er's to know that in time they would be able to see the seasons change. I felt on another level because I could not see anything the first couple of years. My family tells me things I did and I think "How was I ever that brave?" and then I realized it was not bravery, just robotism in its lowest form. Having felt I had failed Billy by "not allowing" him to pass on, it haunted me. My family tells me that he knew me better than anyone and he knew that I just could not/would not let him go. I settled myself into knowing that, feeling that, and then those damn three old girlfriends of his had to die and they all left me here alone. I do know the verse from 1 Corinthians 13:12, but I also know I'm not the most religious person in the world, and I still wear my mustard seed necklace. Sometimes you feel you cannot try to help anymore, but I'm not gone, as of this minute, so I guess I have not given up yet. Then I think, "only the good die young." (At least I can still think and sometimes remember what I thought, if I write it down.)

You sweet girl. We all have trouble at some time with our families. I used to think I had the most bizarre dysfunctional family, then I thought of Adam and Eve. And family does not have to be blood. I hope I live long enough to see my granddaughter find herself. Family are the ones that help us out when we are down. You are family. I can't give myself advice, I know things that I should do, but I won't do them. Counselor tells my granddaughter to write in a notebook "I love myself" on each page. My notebook says "bitch, bitch, bitch" on each page. I'm sorry your having problems. My daughter forgets I'm 80. They can drag us down, they can also lift us up. One of her friends will take her to doc on 17th. If they'd let me have beer, I'd just cry in it. Somehow they don't write country songs about crying in your ginger ale. I don't have to go far away, I'm already out there. I do miss Billy so much, be it ageism, be it my whole life, It is what it is. Y'all all are my family too. We all share feelings we can't help. I know it is a sin to judge people, but overeating and judging are the only two things I can do now. I have a new/old elliptical I'm gonna try soon. My daughter brought it to me, picked it up and sat it down, and she is not supposed to be lifting at all. Right now it is a good place to hang my purse. I don't want anyone to hurt. We can't stop that.