Margm

I positively was looking for Atlas. What a handsome young man he is becoming. Love his name. I hope you will have many years of happiness. I think I would make a lot of snow ice cream in Canada.

Gwen, as you know, I have been AWOL for a long time. You have your right to have any help you need. For sure, I do not know. I deal with enough mental problems that I have no answers for, I cannot diagnose or advise anyone else. It would be the pot calling the kettle black. You know this woman, if she is the help you need, then I am very happy for you. Sometimes I talk when I do not know what I'm talking about. I think that has probably been evident. I have no answers and honestly, I can't remember my questions anymore.

Got to be a solution better than someone who might not be there. I'm not sure this "Dee person" is using you, seems to see you needing help and perhaps takes advantage. I do not know the situation, but know you are not able to put up a fight and may have to get a restraining order. Just know you need someone to help you. Advice is cheap, does not cost me a penny, but the long fight you have been in, this does worry me. I think we all have some sort of monster "out there." Not sure those people were trying to steal my groceries as my granddaughter said one spoke to her (she was inside and outside helping). Scares me that I might be paranoid, and think that is a sign of Alzheimer's. It is hard trying to be independent, in your case, when that is what you have been all your life. Now you need help. I have help, but I am at the age that my independence is gone too. If I want to get off by myself, I have to tell everyone where I'm going and when I will be back and my sister always wants to know "why?" Also, I cannot be totally independent as they can get a "silver alert" out on me. Billy and I both had that happen when we extended our vacation one day a few years ago without telling our grown children. Also when I went to sleep with earphones on and woke up with three police cars and an ambulance right after Billy left. I could not hear phone ring. They were ready to knock down my door. I do not sleep with earbuds anymore. A person is under their parents thumbs, then their husbands and then their children's. Golden years my A$$.

MD Anderson charged $4.00 to park in 1982. I wonder what that would be in todays money world.

My hometown lost its biggest industry. After that, I think meth, etc. became the biggest industry. My aunts were afraid at night in a neighborhood that we never even locked our doors. My cousin had a wooden fence built between her and the neighbors so she did not see the late night dealing. At one time there was a Facebook page that had people following the police everywhere to places that we walked through every day without thought of harm. Two of the country (and this is pure country) areas above this town had two young fellows shot and killed. Families became like the Hatfield's and McCoy's. "In my opinion" in one case it was totally mishandled because a deputy was the father of the shooter. Had the state police handle it. He got off without jail time, but the fact he killed his niece's young dad is worse than a jail sentence. My relatives were sheriff's back in some very hard times and sometimes I cannot brag at all. It was what it was. This is the south, but it is happening everywhere now. I will admit, the two women that were going to help themselves to my groceries did surprise me. They drove a new car, so it was just steal where steal can, just for the fun of it, I guess. I think we lost the word "morals" somewhere in the distant past.

Gwen, I am facing this with my much younger sister. She is so sweet with me, but some of the things she needs done I cannot do. I've offered to hire help for her but she would just run them off and money is not something I can pull out of my hat. Would like her to have home help, but she would make it difficult for someone to come in. (They tried). She wants me to cut her hair, but with my shaking hands, it would be a terrible mistake. Our small town does not have that many beauty operators and though I still drive, there are some things I cannot afford. She is qualified for help from the state, but will not accept it. This is the stubborn streak in our family. My dad was only days from dying, his brother-in-law had come to help and he, by some force of nature, physically ran him off. She is still living out of boxes, and for the monumental amount of books she has, I cannot make room. She does not feel well enough to put them up, and I cannot. My daughter (when she lived in the apartments) made an enemy of the manager and is not allowed on the premises. Some things I have to ignore, let go of, and I feel so guilty.. She still drives, and it is in-town traffic, our little city/town has no more than 10,000 or 11,000 people, one Walmart, a bunch of $ stores, two supermarkets. With the chemo she cannot taste food. This time seven years ago I was going through this with Billy, but he was such a sweet, compliant patient. I tried to make like we were going to beat his cancer, but his words to me were "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes." So many haunting memories, wishing I could have done better/more, but giving up is the hardest thing I have ever done. Somewhere along the way, God took back my "God button" of optimism. You definitely need "in-home" help facing these impossible mountains you have to climb. I know you have "adopted" the woman that "lives with you??" but she just seems another worry. As big as Seattle is, there ought to be someone that is dependable that would trade a roof over her head, just to be able to help you. I wish you had someone to run intervention for you. I worry about things/people to trust. I was unloading my groceries and took my trash out. Coming back to my car, hatchback up, two women were helping themselves to my groceries. They were in a new car, and dropped things when they saw me and ran away. I learned things like that happen often. Not to me they didn't. How do we trust someone? Maybe if you called an agency, surely if they screened someone that would trade helping you for a place to stay, maybe that would help you too. I'm not sure (by reading) if the person with you now is helping you.

I know when they went to HMO so many years ago, my doc moved to another hospital, so I moved too. My doc that saved my life sat in front of me and said "You scare me." I did, but he put an 8 year temporary fix that all the consults did not agree to. I do not think we will ever have it like Marty's doctor dad's time ever again.. My sister's family physician won't even see her. She depended on him, talking to him, helped with her many COPD medications.. I wonder if he feels some guilt for treating for hemorrhoids when it was cancer. I do not know, but spent four of my working years in a department that trained residents for the urology specialty. A bunch of sweet guys, some laggards, one who thought he was a superior doctor, but another who failed to diagnose my sister's first cancer. Examined her, because she was still bleeding, and she never went back to him, it felt like a rape to her. He was angry, he was a superGod doctor and should have diagnosed her female cancer. He was qualified. Should have been anyhow. So they come in all shapes, sizes, intellects, and one that went to this Arkansas town because the fly fishing was good. I think they are taught now "spend no more than 15 minutes with each patient." So, we depend on them and "first do no harm" has turned in to "first, do nothing to get sued for." I am more content seeing advanced practice RN's. But, I still see my family practice doc that is determined to treat my essential tremor although I've said "no more new pills." If I'm in an advanced stage of anxiety (sometimes), I take a Xanax, that my FP doctor says will give me dementia. I actually do not think I need a pill to help or hinder that. It is what it is.

I should have left well enough alone. So one is for you, one is for Kodie.

I hope this uploads right. I'm no good at computer stuff. It is getting late, but happy birthday to both of you.

My first 6 years, 11 months and 7 days I have talked to him just like he was there. People in the apartment will see the crazy old lady out talking to the moon. I talk to him when I am riding by myself, before I go to bed at night too. Sometimes I talk to him and Jesus and Jesus says he does not mind.. I think they both listen but neither of them speak back to me. My granddaughter always told me that he knows me, he does not answer me because it would scare me. She is right, it would. Does not shut me up though. My only nagging worry is he had 3 old girlfriends pass on a long time ago.

No, I do not regret anything but living without Billy. We all have such different personalities, and whatever works for one would never work for another. The people who leased our house, the man passed away. She is trying to buy the house and I hope she does because she has made so many improvements in the house at her own expense. I do not want it back or to make any money on the sale of it. To me, his death covers the whole area of Arkansas. Not Arkansas's fault, but I cannot visit where we were so happy without him with me. Even after seven years, it is just as hard to go up that way. I had to go Monday to my doc I used so many years in the little town just below where we lived. I had to make everyone let me go by myself too. It is about 275 miles from here one way.. It did tire me out. I still have to go manage some things about twice a year. I would be happy never going back. I cannot really feel him here in our old home area. The memories do not haunt me though and I cannot explain that. Billy would never have lived in an apartment. I still have about 15 of the huge plastic boxes with tops that I keep in my bedroom. Our happiest times were the RVing years and somehow putting all the boxes in my bedroom, (got rid of the California queen size bed) and just having a twin size bed with plastic pull out drawers for my clothes (underwear, etc) is something my kids can just take to the dumps when I'm gone. Nothing valuable. Got rid of all that. We were married 54-years. No regrets. Would not be for other people though, I'm a lot weird.

Congratulations Kevin and new bride. I kind of like Louisiana temperatures. Anything at -20 would kill me. It is October 7th, 2022, and at 4:00 p.m. it is 85 degrees. Like it a small bit cooler, but not too much. But, you live in a beautiful land and we are just flatlanders, barefoot in crawdad mud.

Good gracious Gwen. You need help taking care of YOU, you don't need to take care of someone that is unstable. You are providing her a place to stay, but if you live in fear of her, she is not helping. I don't think she is a relative. One thing I am good at is dishing out advice but I do not know how to take any myself. I know you need help around you, but not something hindering you that might be unstable. My heart is with you.

I know it was a bad storm, so happy things are getting back to normal for you. You just don't know how much you appreciate water for drinking and showering. I know so many were hurt, like in Katrina.

I did everything I was told not to do. I moved. I spent a few nights alone and knew that was not going to help me in an over 2,000 sq ft home. Nothing but forest all around with homes hidden in little places that were hidden from view. Two and a half acres between all of us. Heaven for me and Billy. I wanted to hear "life" and not "quiet" though. I loved our retirement home, but without Billy there it was a millstone around my neck. I moved back to our old home area where we began, our kids began and finished school, where we got married, where we worked until retirement. Most all my relatives live here too, but they sleep in the cemeteries around our area. Moved to an apartment where everything would be fixed that broke.. The couple who live above me have a new baby and a young daughter. I hear life. One night about 2:00 a.m. I was woke up with a familiar sounding "thump" above me and knew the baby had thrown her bottle out of her bed. Life. COVID made me almost a hermit. My family draws me out eventually. I want to just not worry, read, and wait. I'm okay. (If the worry does not hang on too long).

I understand how you feel. I wish you had not had so many things happen to you, it seems fighting for your life was all you had strength to do. I saw that. I think if things had been different, maybe you would have had the power to make things easier for you. I think of you often and hope you get better, your so much younger than I am.

I have missed everyone. I reached a point that I did not feel I could be of help to anyone, not with words, for sure. My sister has colorectal cancer. I am her only support system. She gets angry at health care workers, she knows this, but it has been a problem. She signed herself out of two hospitals AMA and I was just hitting my head on the wall, not helping her either. Not able to teach anymore we moved her to a place she has more assistance, but moving her books were a necessity that was a very big problem. Five floor to ceiling bookcases and she had donated at least two floor to ceiling holder of books and that many more books. I use a Kindle because I am 80 and saving all the books would probably help cremate me, if I did it myself, but have to think of those left behind. Her apartment is a nightmare, cannot find anything because of books. I do not have animals, not because I do not love animals, I just cannot justify leaving one behind (these are only my feelings, not to be put on anyone else). I love the feel and smell of books, but the Kindle actually makes the letters big enough for me to see and my kids do not have to get rid of them. Anyhow, it has been a nightmare. Kelli had the COVID again and developed problems with her heart. We do all the things to avoid it, but she has so many autoimmune problems, she helped/directed the move for my sister, got bronchitis (which she is prone to), and the rest followed. Trouble between her and her daughter (who lives with me), caused me to remember the little "ditty" I had made up when I had cancer. "I'm not that important, life does go on, if I wasn't here, then I'd be gone." Granddaughter has many problems, handling as she will allow, and she is a sweet, beautiful young lady that needs to get on with her life, but is afraid. Counselors have not helped. Meds have not. Was advised not to push, and I won't. (By one of her doc's). So, I worry whenever I have to leave the house. I have not started questioning my having dementia yet. There are changes. Sometimes the worry seems insurmountable, the angry fussing about her daughter's choice of living arrangements (finally understood it was my daughter's words), and this has been a lifelong mental problem with my daughter. She says things she cannot take back, we understand her, her daughter won't accept it and it is blamed on me by my daughter (which is not new either). Just not true though. My sister's fighting her therapy and lives in a smaller hoarder's apartment. I did ask what we were to do with all the books if anything happened to her and she said she hoped someone would get some knowledge from them. (Retired college teacher). Just received a call from her, apartments are to be inspected. I have offered to hire someone to come in and help her. She has the personality that would drive Mother Theresa (who I do not think had that good a personality), away. No one could/can help her. I've learned to let a lot go. I miss you all. I received more help than I'd ever hoped to have. I enjoyed trying to help the new members and then it hit me, I could not even help myself anymore. Because of the low moisture diet, forever, I am given mostly things that cause diabetes. It was borderline last lab work and because of meds interacting in my colon, I cannot take anything but what I take. I worried about Marty during the storm, have worried about all of you at a lot of times and honestly, sometimes I'm afraid I cannot take any more worry. I do have a doc, in fact I have two and they both hesitate to give me any new meds. The shaking (essential tremor) is worse, of course, and gets even worse if I eat the wrong thing, which is seldom. Still have all my crosses in front of my necessity. My sister does not have to climb stairs, which is a plus. She does not have to have chemo for two weeks and a lot of her pain is gone. (Her private doc was treating her for hemorrhoids, which delayed cancer treatment, but they have not called it the dreaded word palliative yet. She still has to wear oxygen almost all the time. But, she has to smoke outside the apartments, which may help cut down on the smoking. It seems a secondary problem. She is almost 10 years younger than me. Now, I will go check on everyone else. October 17, 2015 is when Billy left. Lots of memories and sometimes I have to try not visit them. I think possibly some people find someone else for companionship, and I applaud them and wish them the best. I do not crave any companion for any purpose, I seem to have enough to keep my mind busy. Love you all.

So hard to stay out of things when one calls and is crying, but begging me not to get involved. I keep hearing Billy telling me to stay out of something, and he was right, right up until hours before he left. I try to tell "them" I cannot get involved, and so far I'm listening to Billy. I wished I had listened to him more when he was here. Now I have to do it to protect myself, no one else can protect me. I keep remembering for a short time, northern native tribes put us old people out on icebergs. Government stopped it fast. Elderly are revered in some countries and protected. My cousin's husband is in a nursing home, she is there every day but now he does not even know her. He whipped colon cancer, he was an innocent person that was standing around when some idiot decided to shoot people, was paralyzed from waist down, when he was young. My cousin reminded me that "he" was now 90-years-old. She said she loved him so much. I never even imagined being so old and having fear. Time has passed so fast, but so slow too. I try to think of my mom and grandmothers and wonder if they had my fears too. Mama was 95 with Alzheimer's, Mammaw was 95 and had a stroke, Grandma was 84 with another cancer. Mammaw's last words to me were "I've had a hard time." Grandma's last words in her coma, me sitting by her bed, were "I couldn't be a wife to him." She had had my kind of cancer when she was very young, after seven children. Married at 15. I figured she had been a wife enough. And "Life" was also a magazine.

Do any of you get terrible anxiety because you know you have to sleep? It is said only the good die young. I wonder what I'm supposed to learn? I used to make plans before I slept. I even started writing a book (and I could remember in my mind where I left off to add to the next night). I tried that, but I did that before Billy left. I can still remember my "book" and the characters, but they do not interest me anymore. Plans are laying on my bookshelf, where the kids know I left them. I just heard that Naomi Judd passed away, and it was associated with mental illness. There once was a time I was not afraid to go to sleep, not even when I fought my illnesses.

Word therapy. Sometimes it helps to write it, but after you have told it all, it seems too much and I go back and delete. George, I'm so proud of you for losing 180 pounds. It is wonderful that you are taking such good care of yourself and still working a job that certainly cannot be easy. I think that I will pick up my trekking sticks and walk the length of this apartment complex. I talk myself out of it very easily. Those still in pain, my heart is with you. Gwen, I wish for you a semi-normal life, and I say "semi" because I don't think any of us know the meaning of "normal" anymore. We are all doing okay. I have a picture of Kelli with the cat asleep on her chest with her back part on her neck. Kelli is sleeping so good, she does not even know. That cat is big. Making Kelli's mind slow down is the hardest thing and that first week after surgery was impossible to keep her still. I couldn't get them on the phone so I ran over, (Just checked it and it is 20.8 miles.) and she was watering her plants. She was telling me she had to get a large ladder to get that limb down hanging on the roof. So, seeing her sleeping so soundly was peace for my mind. If she is awake she wants to be active. Finally got some sleeping out of her and calming down. She did not inherit this trait from me or Billy. Well, I'll quit now.

Lots better. Caught her out watering her plants yesterday. She was bent over but she just won't quit. Her neighbors took her trash container out to the road and brought it back. She is a person that thinks things should be done and YouTube, all the hardware stores, they all know her by name. She does not take after me or Billy. I guess my mom is as close as it gets. Mama had her own tool box (while my dad was living) and if it needed fixed, she did it. Her vegetable gardens were legendary (Victory Gardens) and the neighbors all got plenty. Took her her car back home yesterday, but she is not supposed to be driving, and she will anyhow. Her poodle sleeps at her head. She was saying she always sleeps by her rear end and she is trying to protect her. I said that was not the reason, it was self preservation as the air they have to insert during a laparoscopy has not all escaped yet. Her daughter has given the personality that comes out sometimes as "The Kelster" because she wants things done, period. And, she will fuss and fuss. About all. I have enjoyed my day off selfishly. I slept late and refilled my wax holders. That is all I've done. I hope you all are getting better. I love y'all. (Nawlins is 12-years-old and cannot jump up steps anymore. Her back legs won't work right and she has lost a lot of her teeth. (I can identify with her).

Made her call her doc twice and the PA who answers his calls twice made her feel better mentally. We should have studied the pain med, it is an opiate. She is retired nurse and I'm retired transcriber, so we should have done more ourselves. She was hurting so. She has a strong antibiotic (allergic to most antibiotics), but the urinating is easing up and I had the pain meds to her early this morning. He is a GYN doc so he did some work from vaginal site too. I would like to say she is a lot better today. I have her car here, so the stubborn offspring of mine can't go anywhere (except Scott's truck is there). She is so hard to hold down and never wants to be still and give into pain or illness. Maybe the Ultram will let her sleep. As of this afternoon, with the pain at a lot less a problem, and the urinating not as big a problem, I think (I'm hoping) she has in bed therapy rather than "retail therapy" which is her favorite therapy. She has flowers and bushes growing all around the mobile home, a bird water/bath, a half dozen bird and hummingbird feeders, maybe she will just watch from the window from her bed. She does not need to be bending, but she still likes to play in the dirt. I spent time with her and Scott this morning, I talk to each one at least once a day but got many hugs and sent her back to bed. Her poodle is 12 years old now and her back legs ae not strong. She is used to sitting on Kelli or next to her, and sleeps at her head. Did you all know most of us are an OWL? Not to get racist or anything, but "old white lady" fits me to a T. Kay, I can't imagine the pain your daughter goes through for so many months. My two cousins have been told that they need help with their over 80-year-old husbands. One has Parkinson's and the two doctor sons are making my cousin get an inside helper and somehow we get rigid around 80 anyhow. My other cousin's husband is losing weight, had teeth trouble (can't imagine having teeth), and his ankles are giving out. Honestly, sometimes even WD-40 does not help. Take care Gwen, I know your still having a hard time. The rest of you, take care of yourselves too. I think we are better.....some. Thank y'all for thinking of us. I know my kids are middle aged people, but they are, and as long as I live, will stay my babies.

She is home and having difficulties. She cries and shakes when she tries to urinate. Had to have a catheter. He did this via laparoscope. He lysed the adhesions that had grown around and strangulated her colon. He was able to untangle and lyse these but gangrene had set in around some of the colon.. He was able to clean down to pink tissue and then used methylene blue to check for leaks. There were none, but the methylene blue caused kidney stones, or washed away kidney stones (I've typed it a million times but never read up on it), and she is crying when she has to urinate, shakes like she is having a chill. She bleeds too. I guess if you have ever passed a kidney stone, you know what I mean. It is not supposed to cause them, but somehow it has and I honestly think they should have kept her at the hospital. It was shift change, and the PA (on call for the doc) said nurses did not have shift change at expense of patients. She tried pushing the water/fluid and PA said only take one bottle of water an hour. This is just first day. I am going to try to go to sleep. I hope she can. I'm glad we have all this new research in medicine but it makes me think "give me that old time religion, give us back our family doctors (the ones that treat everything), and our old time politicians. Oh, I guess the politicians have not changed. That's where we are. I know many of you are in bad places right now. I just feel I should have stayed with her, but she would not rest if I was there, she thinks she has to entertain me. She won't let me take care of her. And, if I told my sister I was going to drive at night, she would just lose it.

I think we have it coming again. I'm happy not to own a home at this time in my life. In Mount Ida a tornado had never hit, had come within eight miles but never hit the town. Loved Mena, reminded me of my birth home town, but every time a storm/tornado hit, it seemed to be in the path. It had a series of mountains surrounding it too, which I figured should slow one down. We had little unusual mini-tornadoes in between towns, in between mountains that I called a TV station meteorologist and he explained we were in a stage 8 place. I saw the wind, in a tornado-like swirl pick up a wheelbarrow and set it down from one side of the big house to the opposite side. I had a burn going of some weeds, with a water hose held if it got out of hand. The wind from the fire made one of the mini-tornadoes and picked up some of the fire and set it down and started burning close to the road. I knew my heart must be okay because we had multiple water hose and it took all of them. I never burned again. This was not weather/rain wind, it was like those wind tunnels that form in the desert and sand swirls. The temperature has been hot meeting cold (35-40 is low for us and 70-80 high). I know for sure I'd have to stay inside with so much snow Kay. I go Monday with Kelli for her surgery. Hope it is just adhesions from old surgery. She is a swirl of energy right now that won't calm down. Know she is worried. She has had so much wrong and some turned out good and can only pray this is just adhesions. I know from typing so many operations how much trouble adhesions become after multiple surgeries in the abdomen. Because of the pandemic, they will only allow one person with her. And that is where we are right now. I pray for relief of the pain you all are in and hope for semi-normal life soon, because how can it ever be normal again, and wish for what we thought was normal. Your on my mind.