Margm

Patty, I went from Mama and Daddy directly to Billy. I never lived in an apartment by myself, worked outside the home, and really married to get away from home. Billy knew this, nothing was permanent. He was afraid of responsibility, I had no idea what the word meant. I was 18 and he was 20. We would be 19 and 21 soon, but still not a bit more intelligent. My college teachers told me we could not live on what he made. I was prepared to work. He said his wife was not going to work. I told him I was going to use the car to go see a friend and he told me I wasn't. He told me marriage was 25/75. Guess which part was mine? I wish I had that 25% back, it was sure better than 0%. We grew up with our children. Made a lot of mistakes. And, if I had to do it over again, I would accept that 25% willingly, eyes wide open. It was a wild ride. The marriage went 50/50 when I started work but in reality, it was always 50/50. We were just kids. Well, I am fixing to live in an apartment by myself. Living life backwards. Hang on girl, we have to just hang on.

JJ, I think that is one thing we all do. We feel guilty because of something we think we should have done. It is six months for me and I have to numb-down often to get the last sight of Billy out of my mind. I just want the magical feeling of being able to talk to him and I am blocking everything out. Maybe we do that to keep from hurting so bad because if it hurt any worse, well, we just could not take it. I am so glad you have your baby girl that looks like her father. I know you wish he was with you both. So, you will have to write down all about him so that she can read about him as she grows up. I am sorry you had to come to our forum, but this is a group of people that hurt but are willing to reach out and help, even while they hurt. We are here for you.

I am in the house that is not a home. I know that I need to get more done. I just don't know what to do. I packed Billy away. That took everything out of me. But there are other things I have to pack away too. The other night an offensive cooking pan was hard to clean, so I put it in the trash. Then it dawned on me. I will put everything down in front of the thrift store. I go down to the thrift store and country yard sales beat me to it. That place was packed from floor to roof with black garbage bags full of "stuff." Did the whole town's husbands pass away and the wives are getting rid of "stuff." You know Billy and I were not homesteaders. When we would move somewhere Billy's words were always "we will take one room at a time." That sounds like good advice. I will do that. In the meantime the dishwasher is broke (I never used it but part of family living with me uses it/used it a lot). The fan in the back room broke. I sure wish I had a fairy godmother to whisk this stuff out of here. Honestly, if Billy were here, he would not be any more use than me or his son. We are procrastinators in the first degree. This house I cannot stand to be in but I procrastinate too much to get things under control. Mama's story about the Little Train That Could just has not sunk in, I guess. Hey, I am a Steel Magnolia, I can do this. And Patty, I could not put in 15 hour days. I know how you feel about not wanting to come "home." If Billy and I lived in a tent it was "home." Anywhere he was, if we were homeless, if I was with him I would have been at home. Billy was home. And, I know you feel the same for Ron. So, I will just exist where ever I turn up, and supposed to turn up in the apartment on May 6th. Won't move in then though. Will have to come back to this dreaded house. Billy always let me conduct all business except income tax. I am not a babe in the woods, but I feel like one.

Thank you Butch for keeping us updated. Enjoy your grandson's. I know it is hard, all of this, and missing your wife too. Prayers are with your family.

Marsha, the first few months I woke at 1:00, now sometimes I don't go to bed till 2:00 a.m. I will read books that I can put down and then pick back up. And, sometimes I stay online for that length of time. My daughter told me something today that I have no memory of at all. Like you say, normal, normal, normal.

This amazing artist (Celeste Roberge) found a way to convey the physical feeling of grief. I can certainly identify with the rocks in the head part.

Maryann: I have made a few trips now where I did not talk to Billy. I had my granddaughter with me, but also when I was going over to my mom's, I always talked to him. I remember saying "why am I talking to you, you don't talk back." Not at that moment, but while driving home the many clouds in the sky formed a heart between the clouds. I wish. Still cannot open the magical part of my mind. It is closed. I saw the moon the other night and I had talked to it before, but I did not this time. My son was in the back bedroom playing his "games" on the TV and he coughed. My heart just stopped for a second. It sounded like Billy was in bed reading his Kindle. I wish, I wish, I wish......

And, that said volumes just in that one sentence. That is how we all feel. Sometimes words do not come easy, sometimes my "run on" fingers just cannot stop. This is a wonderful place, no denying that, and it is for everyone on here, who really do not want to be here.

I know some people ask us how we feel, say things that they should not, but tonight one of my friends wrote me that I was a "Steel Magnolia." I think I am the Shirley MacLaine character. I had mentioned to my friends that it was tough getting things together to move. The comments I received were all encouraging. So far, no one has been openly mean to me or criticized me to my face. Probably because most all of them are like the people on this forum, understanding, going through hell themselves and know to just keep on going.

Karen, my kids are so good to me, but you get to where there should be a happy medium. I remember my grandmother, who had six living children and at least 12 grandchildren. We would not let her stay alone. One of the girls would stay week nights, we would stay week ends. I would always wake up on the week ends with that high tenor voice of hers singing "I come to the garden" and frying our toast. I had never heard of frying toast. I have since done this and we love it fried in melted butter. But, now I know she needed some time alone to grieve. Of course, none of us understood. Now, most of us understand. Kathy, I have to sometimes explain to my sister, but my son and daughter understand. I know yours will too. When is a good time? I think only you can tell that. I hope they understand. But, first off, you have to take care of you. I got angry because a friend, who has been through this, she said now I would have time to find myself. Maybe so, I hope when I find myself I like me better than I do right now. Hang in there girl. We all have this.

Kathy, you are so early in your grief. We might expect it, but it does not happen until they are gone and it is so lonely. Our minds play tricks on our bodies so you might need checked over by a doc. Especially if you run temperature. I am so much older than most on here that when I wake up in the morning I hit the floor because I am afraid to stay in bed. Seems so easy to just give in. I came on here at three days, and they have actually saved my life. My friends tell me it will get easier, and I am sure they mean easier than the first week or month, but I am not sure how much easier it gets. We have lots more experienced people on here than I am, and smarter also. Marty will be able to give you more help. In the meantime, this group will be able to help you with their experience on this terrible journey. You have come to the right place.

If you read my post before, (I don't go back and read any of my posts, or anything from even a month ago, don't like to relive my feelings then.) Anyhow, going up that mountain that was called Signal Peak (and every mountainous state probably has a bunch of these), but I heard distinct women's voices. Billy and I were the only car at the bottom of the mountain, saw no other people, but I heard more than one woman talking to each other. I told Billy and he agreed that he heard them too. We got to the top, no other path going up or down, and there was no one. I read stories later about other people hearing voices on the trail. But, when I told someone about this phenomenon, old supernatural disbelieving Billy said he had not heard them. That was just like him. He would believe in nothing supernatural. Our first date in 1961 was to see the movie (cartoon) The Snow Queen. We were double dating and they wanted to leave. Not me, I still prefer animated movies. Most memorial anyhow. And Laura, yes, I am closing myself off from a lot of things. Takes superhuman strength sometimes to numb-down (disassociate) but sometimes I can do it. My daughter was a nurse in a prison and worked with mental patients for a few years.

I had what I call "my mystical, magical feelings" before and have heard voices climbing up an old Signal Peak in New Mexico. I read later that it had happened to other people. I used to get feelings that I should not be in a place and got scared, although I had never been in that place before. My son used to call me psychic, but I think it is more psycho. I have had a sense of something when I saw "something" and cannot explain that. But, all these mystical experiences died when Billy did. I keep wanting them back, but they are just gone. Life is just not magical anymore at all.

I feel better today Kay, I can laugh. Now I have to go tear up Billy's hobby closet. Might not write anything else. I wonder, are you all having snow and bad weather? I think today is the first day I have seen the sun in awhile. And, I know this stuff won't be on subject, but I think having a little sun helps our feelings, just a tiny, tiny bit.

Subject???? When have these "run on" fingers ever followed subject? Now, sometimes when I am being thoughtful, I will put something on my own thread. I am so far behind in my reading, I saw being vulnerable in relationships and let it fly. My bad.

Karen, I ditto everything Kay said too. I know sometimes when I have cried so brokenly, so hard, I get to where I cannot catch my breath and instead of fear, it is a feeling of wanting to just let go and quit breathing, so I know grief can break our hearts. I have found out one thing, you don't get appointments with specialists real easy. So, when you get one, for sure go. I believe we can perish of a broken heart, but I also believe we can live with one too, no matter how hard it is. You have a double break in yours, we want you to heal. So, let us know how things go, even though you know nothing is wrong. Does not hurt to be doubly correct.

Oh, I will carry it, but it does not weigh much now. I will carry it because I am a Baptist. My "friend" was a Catholic and I asked him how he could do this and live with himself. He said he went to the priest and admitted his sins. I can see where religion can confuse people. But, I have felt guilt because of religion, not religion itself, but my construed view of it, I will get better at this guilt thing. Billy forgave me. I am told Christ forgives if we ask, and I did, but forgiving yourself sometimes is hard. And, I am not sure that has anything to do with religion, just own self doubts.

Stephen, my Billy was very jealous. His mom ran around on his dad famously, even had a date with the undertaker after his dad's funeral. He loved his mother dearly, but this flaw made him distrust women. I would like to say I was a paragon of virtue, and I was, for ten years. The leash was pulled so tight that when I got a chance to break it, I did. It reminded me of a terrier we had. I could not let that pup go outside without a leash. One time she broke the leash, looked around at me, and the look in her eyes said "I'm gone and you cannot catch me." My shrink told me that if I had not been hooked on amphetamines (legal at the time, prescription), I would not have gone against my Biblical teachings and for years I felt God had given me female cancer in payment. Christianity is wonderful if you are taught right. But if you, like even in marriage, are put on a leash you will most times break it. I felt I had done myself wrong. Billy could not understand why I could talk to a shrink and not him. (He was no Angel either, he had some of his mother's genes.) When I was finally able to tell him, (and even after a five year affair, the man meant absolutely nothing to me, only payment for mental abuse). It was wrong of me. I hope I can accept the speed addiction made me more friendly than I should have been. We separated for six weeks. Then a friend told him he was only angry with me because I had beat him at his own game. We came back together and the marriage was finally a strong marriage. Infidelity was something I am not proud of. The only commandment I have not broke is killing someone. We married while we were still 18 and 20. We had a lot of growing up to do. Fortunately, we loved each other enough to make it work. I have to forgive myself. He forgave me a long time ago. Forgiveness of him was never a question. My neighbor was married for as long as I was and she and her husband never ran around on each other. There are marriages that are broken up by this, but ours only got stronger. Neither of us would have hurt the other and we were both so ashamed we had hurt the other one. In the hospital an old classmate came in to see us. I had never been more than a classmate to him and Billy knew he was terminal. The old insecurities came out. The guy was a lawyer for the VA system and this was merely a visit to an old classmate. I felt Billy stiffen up, there was the old insecurity at a time when he sure did not need it and Billy was going AWOL from this hospital because the guy was in the room. I ushered him out. He had meant no harm. I am a Christian. I believe in Heaven. I don't know where it is located, but I believe Billy can still see me. I have not got my faith, my supernatural, magical, mystical feelings I used to have. And, I could not stand to have even comforting contact physically with another male. I saw how bad I hurt him. I did sneak a look at an old friend from high school days. My Gosh, he is an old man. How could that all have happened in the 54 years I was married? I am still 17.

Butch, this has actually put a smile on my face after two rough days. You keep fighting little lady.

I love that song, I love Tim McGraw..........................but, I didn't listen this time. Tim is from Louisiana. Do you know the story of him and his father? A good story.

"In psychology, the term dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis." I won't argue that I am certifiable. When I was fighting cancer, Billy's blood pressure put him in the ICU. I was only a transcriptionist but things were not adding up to me. I knew lab values, knew symptoms, and one time I argued with his internal medicine doc. I got frustrated and went into the bathroom crying in frustration. Billy asked the doc what was wrong and doc told him I was just worried about him. He called for more tests instead of discharging him. Then he called in a nephrologist. He had high renin levels in his lab work and more tests showed blockage in his renal arteries. He had stents put in two renal arteries. (He had three arteries). I was working full time at a teaching hospital, evenings for three family practice doc's, and week ends at another hospital. I had plenty of time to take off of my main job with annual leave saved up. But, the tension played havoc with my mind and I started something called dissociation. My shrink said it is a thing your mind does to protect itself when it just cannot take it anymore. I call it "numbing down" and I can still do it. It does not work every time, but sometimes when there is no solution I get numb. I go to bed each night with meditations and music that goes with it I wear ear buds and I don't know how much sinks in.

Mitch, when I get to my printer, I am going to print that out.

Oh gosh Kay, I don't remember so often, but another problem is repeating things. I remember my mammaw repeating herself and my aunts and uncles all saying "Mama, you just said that." She would just look puzzled. That look is frozen on my face.

I love it too. I might come to the east coast one day. I just cannot go back to mine and Billy's west. I used to say "Lord willing and the creek don't rise." I don't say that anymore.

Now I love crab legs, lobster and shrimp. I used to crawfish in our little pond as a kid, and Mama would fry the tails. That was okay. My daughter eats the crawfish like a true Cajun.