Margm

Kay, my daughter has a degree associated with computers, but she is like the plumber who won't work on his own house. She did set up my laptop, but my granddaughter has to help me with any computer related problems. My son helps also, but he inherited my lack of patience with anything, poor thing. Billy was so laid back and patient. We always said he would never leave us with a heart attack. He didn't.

I wrote this on my Kindle and it disappeared. How many times did Michelangelo have to recreate the fresco on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? I will try again. First off, totally off subject, we are again deluged with rains in Louisiana, and worse in south Texas. Bumper crop of crawdads/crayfish/mudbugs, or whatever you call them. I don't eat them, but lots of other people do. I might have to delay going back to "de house." I am not afraid to go to a shrink. If you are familiar with any of my posts, you know I carry the diagnosis of chronic depression and I no longer take antidepressants because of the ruptured colon from the long ago radiation. That aside, I have problems with my memory. This has been more of a problem since Billy left. Up until then, I think it goes along with age. I am not trying to delude myself, but I read it is a problem with grief. I do not have space and do not want to bore you with the many times, but sometimes a bit of paranoia slips in. Of course you know my house has been taken over by relatives and nothing is where I left it, if I remember where I left it to begin with. I do not prepare meals and buy a minimum of groceries. I missed two glass cooking pans and did not voice my paranoia. A breakthrough!!! I remembered giving them to my daughter before Billy left, we were getting rid of things to live in the small RV. But, you also, no, I also have to remember that my mom has Alzheimer's, and she will be 95 in June. Still, in the back of my wax covered brain is that fear. I will start moving May 6th. I know I will have it finished by June 1st. I will be moving our king sized bed. I will just buy a new mattress cover. I have to move it. Not just for memories, but because it has a new beautiful purple and red bedspread and shams that I cannot remember buying.

Karen, I stay off topic. But you just spoke what we all feel. I know I can speak the word "all" and everyone understands.

Polly, I put on the new license plate, two screws, and felt I should have been awarded the Eagle Scout award. My dad was certainly not lazy, but he worked for the railroad and could be in some other depot anywhere down the line at any given time. Mama was as self sufficient as a man. I don't even know how to start a lawnmower. I will live in an apartment. Don't want to be any more self efficient than turning a knob on a door or putting the key in the ignition. Yet my friend, she does everything mechanical and her husband, Billy's nephew, is glad.

I'm always gone Kay. I am back in Louisiana, but I brought my Kindle along. This trip this time exhausted me, so I had to come here for my fix. I don't know if you all know what I mean by numb, I know I have to face things, I have, I do. Went to see my mom and sister. My sister has COPD, she missed work today. My mom fell twice and had to have nurses out. Lots to face. Again, I like numb.

Janice, the last time we came down I-49 to Shreveport Billy was driving. I have to go back to where he left me, tomorrow. I keep feeling I have to hurry back because he is waiting for me, then I realize all over again, he isn't. I still feel best about Louisiana, but he is not here either. Billy would stay up all night trying to solve one of Brianna's home school algebra problems. Then the next day he would teach her how to do it. It is hard going back to school again in your 70's. She would have three "common sense" questions and I would make her miss all three. But, Billy would worry a problem until he found an answer. I still prefer to be numb.

One of the doctors I worked for was about 6'5", was not fat, but was very strong looking. Me and another girl in the office were about 5 feet. Together we could lift a lot, and I was brought up believing that gentlemen helped women if they were lifting too heavy a load. This giant of a man would let the other girl and me left very heavy things. He would stand around drinking his diet Coke. But, women want equality. I just had grown up thinking men should help women with things like this. I sort of get miffed if while taking out my own groceries at our little town grocery store if they ask to help. Okay Marg, you cannot have it both ways. One good thing about being older though, you get offered lots of help. I can still cross a street by myself. And, I will forever hear the echo of Billy saying "That's my job."

Someone is missing from my life. I feel like those people on The Walking Dead, but my granddaughter brings me joy. She was Billy's heart, and being around her makes me feel closer to him. Being in Louisiana I feel closer to him. And, I probably am not too far behind him. But, I won't make it happen on purpose. People don't say bad things to me, or cruel things. Perhaps that is because most of my friends understand what I am going through. But, my beautiful grandchild was bullied because she is Amerasian. And she is beautiful in her physical makeup and in her heart. I was a carrot topped, freckle faced little kid, but no one ever made fun of me. The worse I ever got said to me was "she's got freckles on her but she's pretty." I said that unkind thing to a friend of mine years ago when she lost her husband, and I have regretted it all those years, but she seems to have forgiven me and forgot it.. I carry guilt for long times. I think I will numb-down to bed now. I wish you all a peaceful night and I wish you all enough sleep to refresh you in the morning, even carrying our heavy loads. I don't know how that Irish quote went, but something about the sun in your face and the wind at your back.

In one of my books I quoted what was said about the length of time and the ages of the people. One older widow was told that she had touched so many milestones in her long marriage and one younger woman was told that she was still young and could start a new life. But, the hurt is as terrible when you are older as it is when you are younger, and it does not matter how many years, the pain is just as great. There are so many people on our forum and we all hurt, that is the reason for the forum. So many things you all have said resonate in my life. I just wish peace for all of us. I thought being numb was good, it meant healing, but then the numb wore off. I like numb.

Ana, we were so shocked to find out Billy had an aneurysm on August 31st. We had no idea that was only just the beginning. Then the severe stomach pains, the ER visit, the hospital stay and discharge only to return directly back. He had cancer everywhere. Why didn't I see some sign? Why didn't the doctors read the lab reports he had twice a year? I second guess myself all the time, why that hospital, why not another hospital, why not a Louisiana hospital. And all this time, this very, very short time, I was going to have a miracle. We had already had two miracles for me. I don't know when I thought God had resigned and made me boss. It went so fast that I learned miracles don't happen for everybody. To have lived this long and not know that, I had led a magical, mystical existence. My heart is with you my friend. And, that is why we come on here, because everyone's heart is with us at all times. They understand.

Patty, that is wonderful for your daughter. I know that Brianna wants to do something like that but I take her to a counselor because she has social anxiety from being bullied in school. That is why we home schooled her. She was adopted by my daughter and her father is from Thailand. She is beautiful Amerasian but we tried schooling her with a bunch of home grown vanilla bumpkins. The boys loved her, of course, but she had a hard time with the girls. One girl threw rocks at her when she was in the third grade. I cannot tell you how beautiful she is inside and out, and I hope this counselor can help, she seems to be doing this so far. Now days they always want to give pills and we have fought that off Once when we were in Walmart a woman had a table selling things, She called me over and she was looking at our 3-4 year old granddaughter.. She said "She is going to be famous one of these days." Personally, I was glad she was adopted at that time because with our family it might be pictures of heading off to San Quinton, or whatever prison was closest. But, she is interested in film critique, lots of stuff pertaining to film and the entertainment industry. We all still have hopes for our families, and sometimes that washes down to our own selves maybe. .

I get angry when I cannot "feel" Billy. I look to the sky, I look to the clouds, I pray my prayers that might not reach the ceiling. Then sometimes I "numb down." I dreamed he was beside me the other night. I reached, he was not there. I awoke and got out of bed. He was not there, neither was I. I feel our young life in Louisiana, I feel our absent life in Arkansas and hope to be rid of Arkansas soon. I remember my grandmother's words at 18 years after my grandfather's death. It did not encourage me, yet she went on nearly 30 years without him. She ran her little country store every day but Sunday. I was by her bedside as she lay in the hospital dying. She had been given pain killers and in her mumbles I heard "I could not be a wife to him." My grandmother had had my kind of cancer at a younger age than I had it. But, she had birthed seven children in ten years from the time she was 15. Seems she was a wife to him many times. Yet, for nearly 30 years she kept this guilt, she kept this pain, she lived with it and she died with it. We all have our public pain and we all have our private pain. They did not keep me from seeing what was being done to Billy because we did not have a DNR. I saw it. I numb down to keep from reliving it. I did it because the kids were not there, I knew he was gone, I hope and pray I did not hurt him too much. I now know what a DNR is for. It is for their final dignity. Okay, I will numb down again.

@Patty: My 16-year-old granddaughter and I loved the movie. The special effects were wonderful. But, because of the loud animals (beautifully done also), it scared some of the younger ones and the animals pouncing was fearful for them too. I saw many kids being taken out of the movie crying. But, like the fairy tales of the wolf eating the grandmother in Little Red Riding Hood and all the other fairy tales that had terror in them, I never thought about it scaring children. We just handed the tales down from generation to generation. I remember as a child standing between Mama and Daddy (no seat belts then) that in that back seat, in the dark, I knew there was a big bear just waiting. But this is Rudyard Kipling, this is a "tale as old as time." And, as many times as I have seen the remakes, to me, this was the very best. Bill Murray as Baloo was wonderful. And Idris Elba as Shere Khan were equal to anyone who has ever played them in film or in animation. My grown granddaughter who took her 6-year-old to see it, she did not like it at all. My 16-year-old was so taken with it she wants to own the DVD. This is the same granddaughter that was featured in her yearbook in the 3rd grade wanting to see Broadway plays, she plays the old movie Grease over and over. And her life's ambition is to see Hamilton on Broadway. Wish I could afford to take her, maybe one day I will. I figure it will run for many years.

Sherbear, and all of you who have had to hold down a job: I remember workers being given two days for grief and then they had to come back to work. I was not aware of the terrible problems they faced. I remember Mrs. Lamberty, our supervisor, I can remember her being very quiet. I cannot remember anything else, except at that time we were made to retire at 65 and she had to fight to keep her job one more year. The inequality that women, and men, faced years ago was not even thought about by me. I worked beside a man who had his Master's degree and I do not remember even worrying about what he was paid. I think probably, because it was a state job, that the pay was equal though. My English professor cousin quit her job because the college did not pay the same pay for her PhD as it did males. She had worked there for years and she "retired" in anger. I was already retired, and Billy was also, both from state jobs for nearly 20 years of retirement so far. I admire you men and women that have to carry on working just to live. As we age, we face so many things we did not face when we were younger. I remember for my first job them not wanting to take me because of lack of experience, too young, no matter I had the education. Now, I am faced with rising car insurance prices because of my age. The same as when I was very young first driving. We just have to live.

Amy, I just read some of your blog. It is a beautiful tribute to Daniel. Thank you for sharing.

@HH, at three days past Billy's death I found this forum. Without it, I am sure I would be gone also. Sometimes life is very hard to keep living. One of our members mentioned even getting out of bed in the morning was an accomplishment.. Many things were mentioned that go through my mind often. Putting one foot in front of the other sounds so simple, but sometimes all you want to do is stand still. That is okay too, but eventually that one foot has to move, if the rest of the body moves. It is natural to want to "leave" also, but yet like another member says, when you are falling off a cliff you reach for anything. And, then the "one size does not fit all." I think sometimes I have it so bad. How can I lose my mate and still have to worry about where/when/how/why my 95-year-old Alzheimer's Mom will be taken care of. My retirement is enough for me, but it is not enough to support three families and sometimes/most times I have to do that too. I think I cannot go on and I remember about the man who cried because he had no shoes, until he saw the man who had no feet. Each story on this forum is heart wrenching.. And each one of us has "miles to go before we sleep." We will keep putting one foot in front of the other, you and I, and that is how we will make it. Virtual hugs to you my friend.

Patty, I survived two miracles. I could not help Billy through even one.

Mitch, I think the "girls" on here all appreciate the male voices as to how they miss their mates. It makes me feel that Billy would have been very hurt and I never liked to see my Billy hurt. Prophetically, early in my cancer fight with my fear of dying, waking up at night in nightmares, my cancer was bad, it was two different kinds on a collision course. The treatment was 1982 treatment. They even didn't have the CT scans or the MRI's at MD Anderson. We would come home every week end with me throwing up all the way home. One time a trooper caught us, we pulled over at a rest stop and I kept on throwing up. He told us to go on at the speed we were going, no ticket. But, I woke up in cold sweats at night thinking I was dying. One night he told me "If you die, all this pain, all this worry will be gone and all the pain and worry will be on those you leave behind." How right he was. I have told this tale before, but I remember it often. I would not want him to hurt and you men, you show me a caring side that we women can appreciate. We feel our mates would have hurt and we did not want that either. Sickness was hurting enough. It took Billy fast, too fast for me, but maybe for his sake, maybe it left him some dignity and he was big on the dignity. He hated my personal cleaning of him (and it was a total act of love from me, and he knew it). He went from the cane, to the walker, to the wheelchair in five weeks and each time he had to change to my helping him that much more, it was that much more dignity he lost. And he knew how much I loved helping him. I somehow had enough strength during that time I could have carried his whole 6'2" frame myself. It would have destroyed him though. I think we women can take it better than you men. I lost a lot of dignity during my cancer, but Billy never made me feel unloved, or untouchable. That is why we need males and females helping each other on this forum.

Elly57, we want you to feel better too. We want you to be happy. I have had occasion to laugh, to feel good, to joke around with family, and I have had humongous worries with family. I cannot feel Billy. I know definitely not in the physical sense, but I want to just feel his presence in some sense. I have a little and I am so selfish, I want more. I fuss at him for leaving me stranded in this damn house that is going to overpower me. We worked on it a little before he got sick, actually he was sick, but inhuman strength made him carry on. Oh, heck, today is our 6th month anniversary loss. I hate that. My granddaughter and I went to see The Jungle Book. It was sold out and we had to wait for a later movie. It is a Rudyard Kipling story from all of our childhoods and has been made into many remakes. The special effects in this movie are great, but it was so loud, and actually very scary for very young children. But, us older children loved it. And Elly57, I have questions I will never have answers for. One thing about it, I think we are going to hold each other up when we need it, and I need it lots.

I like "But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."

Kevin, your approach to life is very much admired.

Maryann, as I have said before, I miss my magical mind that I used to have. Hopefully time will melt all the wax around my heart and brain and I can see magical, mystical things again. I really used to be able to do this. Billy would laugh at me, but he enjoyed it. He would go along with me, but if I mentioned it around people, (like hearing the women talking on Signal Peak in New Mexico, when they were not there at all), I read afterwards that others had heard them. He went along with me hearing them until I mentioned it around someone and then he said he didn't hear them. I love a magical, mystical, imaginative mind. Maybe I will find it again. I hope we all do.

Cookie, I think we have to open our hearts to a lot of things that we cannot accept yet. Mine is as closed as my mind. I move through the day for my granddaughter. She lost the only daddy she will ever know and her granddaddy at the same time. I feel him closer to me just having her here with me. She was his heart. When I buy her something she says "Mamol, one day I will pay you back." She does not ask for anything. I told her that I did not buy it, her "Dade" bought it, he would want her to have it. So, there are still good things in our life. Sometimes we might even see them.

Karen, I wrote somewhere (oh, these "run on" fingers) that I did not know why bad things happen to good people. But they do, and that will forever be so. Why is the marriage of the Queen of England going on 70 years when one young couple only made it three months. Why did my school friend lose her mother and father to murder-suicide, marry her childhood sweetheart, have children, young children and he dies in a car wreck. Why is she left to take care of a bedridden daughter from a stroke, still young, and a grown grandson with CP. What did she ever do to deserve all this? I have no answers, but I have lots of questions. I wish you peace my friend. That is why we come on this forum. Someone always has more problems than we do and we wonder how they cope with life. One member said that getting out of bed was an accomplishment. I did it this morning, but will have to make up sleep tonight for that I missed last night. When falling off that cliff, we reach for anything. Sometimes I wonder why. But we still reach. My heart is with you all, and my prayers, whether you want them or need them, or even believe in them; hoping my faith takes them above the ceiling.

I am leaving this empty. My doom and gloom attitude does not help anyone. I hope I deleted it properly. My granddaughter and I, well we are going to see The Jungle Book today. Know that story so well, seen in many remakes. I don't know why bad things happen to good people, but they sure do. I will leave with my poem I made up when I was in the throes of fighting my own cancer when I was a young woman. "I'm not that important, life does go on, if I wasn't here, then I'd be gone." At the time I wrote it, it made perfect sense. Still does. Maybe a little comic sense. I am certifiable.