Margm

I'm sorry Kay, Joyce and Patty. I think I have it bad and then other people have so many things to contend with and other feelings that make life so complicated. I look up at what my "run on" fingers have typed and I just want to delete it. We all suffer terribly, but some of our people have more than their share. I wish I could just hug you all.

Billy and I were loners. We had family and used to have get together's but we all grew apart and just family'd for all these years. I wanted an apartment to get away from this small town, Widow Drive, that Billy left me stranded. I have had my head filled so much with worrying about my mom and sister that it never dawned on me that now I am alone, alone. I have not socialized for at least 54 years. I cannot say that, I worked for 43 of those years, I have been around people. We were just loners and now I really am. Reality has a way of hitting you in the head pretty often these days. I guess I can be that weird old woman in apartment 110 that won't speak to people.

That is true Gwen. Most days I feel certifiable though. And, sometimes I like the feeling.

@Polly, Billy passed the morning of October 17, 2015. Don't like the month, the day or the year. Hate seeing it in print, but there it is. Mitch, Joyce, Gwen and Polly, it seems like a lot of years at 54, but it was not enough. Just think, Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip will be married 70 years in 2017, I think. They are in this week's People magazine. My mom is only a few days older than Prince Philip. I guess we don't get what we want and I am selfish. Some of my friends did not make it this long. I know I should be grateful, and I am really, but I would have liked it better if we had gone like Doug Flutie's parents. Cannot have everything I guess. I read the statistics and Gosh, there are a lot of us people suffering out there. I don't think misery really loves company, and we always think, but this is me.

MD Anderson checks on me each year. If I ignore them, they find me. I am a statistic and they have to keep up with us. The last time I wrote on the back that my examination was negative and wrote what the doc had told me "If we found anything we could not fix it." That was it in a nutshell. I have not heard back from MD Anderson.

@Karen: Billy and I suffered through so many years with our son on drugs. I was always afraid we would find him somewhere, unresponsive. He had many friends. He was a DJ at a strip club for many years. He had many dopey friends. He was at someone else's house every night. One time I decided to just let the worry subside and go ahead and RV. The rangers found us. He had been shot and he coded twice. That did not make him quit. Another ER visit and he was ready to quit. Getting off the road RVing to help save his life was done very willingly, of course..The results of the mainline drugs and sharing needles nearly took his liver and life again a few years ago. Hep-C treatment worked, but his liver will never be 100% again. I can only imagine your pain for a husband and child. My heart is with you. . @Brad: I never stay in bed. As soon as my eyes open I jump out of bed. But, this is true, even getting out of bed is a victory. I needed that today.

@WK: I just checked. We are only about four days apart. I am so sorry..........for you and for me..........and for all of us.

Yeah Mitch, I always want to add a little levity, but today the tears are having to be fought back. I guess this is a setback. I knew I was not "over it."

Today the sun is not out. Today is Saturday, a dreaded Saturday. Tomorrow will be six months. So, I will post something from my daughter this morning. There are a lot more, but I will only put three. This was Billy's new camera, so maybe he is part of it also. It was overcast yesterday. She was up (actually she is a vampire and sleeps days), but she got on the road early. East Texas is only a few miles from Minden. Billy and I used to ride the road through Karnack, Texas where Lady Bird grew up and go on up to Uncertain, Texas and put the boat in Caddo Lake. Lady Bird Johnson put something to works in Texas about planting wild flowers all along the roadways. They are beautiful. No sun today, but sun yesterday along with big billowing clouds and a pretty sunrise. I think my daughter takes a little photographic extra with her photos, but she said she did not with these. I wonder.

That was beautifully said Brad. But, around the end of it I felt a rush, like maybe you were leaving too. I think maybe I have become too dependent on the people on this forum. I look at each of you in different phases of your grief and sometimes it gives me hope. I had 54 long years with Billy, but it seems like only yesterday it was a July 3rd warm night in 1961. We had changed our wedding date from the 7th to the 3rd because I wanted my "home" church pastor to marry us. We had announced the 7th in the paper. Word of mouth travels fast in a small town. We arrived at about 7:30 p.m. and the church was full of relatives and friends. That was just yesterday. We did not make pictures. Fortunately, that part of my memory is totally intact. We had no money but Billy had a full-time job that he was already making plans to retire from. He was to be 21 on the 20th of that month. That was yesterday, it had to be yesterday. Now his ashes rest in a beautiful wooden urn. I put my hands around it. I cannot feel Billy. But I remember that whole first week that we got married, the apartment was full of friends playing Rook and eating bacon and tomato sandwiches. That was all I bought for two weeks of groceries, bacon, tomatoes, bread and Miracle Whip. We visited his mom and dad every evening for pinto beans, cornbread and tea. Was that only yesterday? It was.

And, she has a teenage son to protect. I would think that would be first on her list of things. I take our freedom in this country for granted too much.

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee." John Donne And, that is how I feel when someone is missing from this forum. So, you cannot leave yet, any of you. I cannot go back and read anything I have written in the past six months. I do not go back and read things on here, unless something is mentioned. Maybe at one time the memory of loss may make it uncomfortable and sad for people. I don't know people. I don't even know myself. I just remember KPilot mentioning when your falling off a cliff you reach for anything to save you. That rang true with me.

We never had a vicious dog, just that one. I want to think people can accept love and kindness, but who is to know, maybe somewhere in their DNA is violence and terror. Certainly part of the world is subject to this. I still worry about Debbi from Brussels. I hope she is okay.

Ana, change scares me so bad. This cleaning out of this house is done by procrastinators who should have their picture in the Wikipedia to describe what procrastinate means. Billy was terrible, but like I said, when it came to dying, he did not procrastinate. I got so bogged down with just his things that my daughter is going to have to come help me get rid of things. She is a garage sale expert. I am not. Moving is a big concern. But, a bigger pain and concern is staying in this one place, trying to tread water. I can tread water for a few minutes, but I get frightened and then cannot swim. That is my part in life right now, and maybe yours too. We are afraid of change. Maybe in your case you might not want change but have to do it anyhow. In my case I want change but I am scared, still, I know I will drown if I just stay here. We have faced our mates death. We maybe don't like to accept it, but we have no choice. Sometimes maybe we have no choice in change either. Our brain, our mind, our thinking probably won't move on for a long time, but our physical location might make things better. No guarantee. I just cannot keep treading water. For those that can swim it is no problem. For me, it is a problem. I sure wish you well, and pack that suitcase good. Don't take a hammer to it yet. Let us know how things go and my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

I would like to say I grew up in a nurturing family, and maybe I did in its own way. My mom and dad fussed constantly about money. Daddy liked to spend what he made, Mama liked to save. Tithing came under a new heading later. Daddy gave a 10th of what he made to the church, Mama was a good Christian, but she believed charity began at home, so they had separate bank accounts. Billy and I fussed over a lot of things over 54 years, but never about money. But, my son lost his family to the west coast and a man that was able to give his ex-wife the things my son could not. We lost our grandchildren and it was like death grieving for them, and for things beyond grandparents control at that time, we could do nothing. Unfortunately, our son could/would do nothing either. So, now 30 years later we meet our great grandchildren, or at least I do, Billy had passed. My emotions could not be compromised. It was never the children's fault, but too many years, too many miles had gone by. We were "allowed" to keep our grandson when he was in the 11th grade, as long as he checked in with a probation officer. Now he is back on the west coast somewhere, my son has gone out to try to "save" him so many times, but those years of not being there, having an Air Force Sargent for a strict stepfather, all those years were lost. Now he is over 30 and is lost too. You lose years, you lose touch, you get blamed for not being there. There is enough blame to go around for this situation, but nothing can be done now. Even when he is arrested, the police won't keep him. Very sad. It stays with people/grown kids for life. My son and his daughter are close. Right now, I am close to no one really. My emotions are compromised. I don't know that they ever will be the same again. Too much water has gone under a bridge that is shaky at best. I feel sorry for these families torn apart. Right now though, I feel like that person in olden days going through that punishment of arms and legs being pulled four different ways until something tears away. So, I come to this forum. I see people that have no one. And, I see one or two like "iheart" who says she has no one at all, no support system, no one who will give her solace. She is hurting and she needs help. Billy had a dog once, one that was from a fine line of whatever they call the dog's lineage. This was a Chesapeake Retriever. Beautiful, supposedly smart. He would do anything Billy told him to do. Training hunting dogs was one of Billy's hobbies. He was never mean or cruel. But, Billy put his dog bowl down one time and Chessy mauled his hand and arm. I would have to take a hair spray bottle with me if I even went in the back yard. Then, he took the can away from me. This beautiful dog could never be trained to be kind. He was not supposed to be a fighting dog, but this particular dog was vicious. Billy gave him away, and from there I don't know what happened. He wanted to be fed, he wanted love, but would not accept it. Sometimes I think humans are a lot like animals. They want comfort, but some do not know how to accept it and maul an innocent bystander. They hurt and need our help, but they have to accept it. Death is not a kind trainer. It has beat us all down to where we crawl for help, we beg for help, but we have to be willing to sometimes just be quiet and read. Honestly folks, when I am around people I don't do as much talking as I do writing. I promise.

No, your smart. They scare me. Always have. Never learned my multiplication tables past 5's. Billy always chided me about that. He was a laboratory supervisor and used numbers all the time. I spelled for a living, he used numbers.

Well George, then I can quit having my hizzy fit. We are the feminine side of this stuff, and we need the male side too. You, Brad, KPilot, Mitch, Kevin, Bill, and I know I am leaving someone out, but we need the male side also. And, I am so lazy and computer challenged, I just don't like to jump from one forum to the next.

Kay, your my number woman. No, doing taxes scared the bewillies out of me. I had to talk to a TurboTax woman that had the patience of Job. She would tell me to go back and I would hit the arrow to go back and lose what I had done so we would start all over. I hate numbers, really cannot tell you how much I hate them. I admire my mom because she kept such wonderful accounts. I admire anyone who "does numbers." Glad you got to spend time with your family. A good day for you.

I have a flip phone they will have to pry from my cold dead hands. I will never have a smartphone, but Billy did. When it rang I would always try to answer it and would always lose whoever was calling. No matter how many times he would tell me how to do it. Also, the thermostat on the wall, he had to draw me pictures and tape them up so I would know when to cool and heat. I have a Kindle that has a keyboard, fancy, and a new Dell laptop that I don't use at all unless I am away from home. I prefer the PC. I hate for them to take away our DVD's and CD's. Hope they don't. I can listen to some stuff, some stuff I have to walk away from. His pictures still bother me. But, I sleep with the pants he wore all the time. Wrapped around a pillow. How are you feeling Karen. Do you still have the dizziness? Have you had your tests yet? Let us hear how you are doing, okay?

I sent off my first income tax today ever. Well, actually it was a request to put off filling out the big income tax, but I still had to pay the taxes. Was not trying to get away from the taxes, but numbers are my biggest enemy in the number/letter world. Anyhow, got it mailed off with the check for my taxes. Now, what did I fill out? Billy did this every year and lived for numbers. He would fill out, figure, and do everything but lie. I would not let him lie. He wanted to. He wanted to beat the IRS so bad. I know they got his form every year and laughed and then wrote us and told us how much to pay. You see, when we had our big company living here. They cleaned up our papers and Billy's each yearly income taxes were not filed neatly in the right side of the bottom closed bookcase. I will just throw myself on the mercy of the courts anyhow. Next year will be easy.

I've been hit too WK. You can delete it. I don't mean FB, because I keep up with my friends and kids on it also. It hits below the belt. I'm sorry.

Patty, I cannot call any of our life lately luck, but I am old enough to be retired twice. So, I do not carry around the problems you young ones do. This has to be a most terrible time for you. I just don't know how I could handle things. At my age I wanted to find a hole and just crawl in it, and I figuratively did do that for weeks. But you, my young friend, you cannot hide and for that I am so sorry. You have so much on your young shoulders. I hope you have someone working with you that you can trust, someone that can help carry the load. My friend was afraid I would be taken advantage of at the place I got my truck fixed. Being older, and being a widow, I find out that there might be some people that will try to take advantage of you, but most bend over backwards to try to carry stuff and do things to help. You did say "one bad thing after another" and that does not sound good at all. I hope you have a small time for peace my friend. Let us know. I am glad your back on.

I don't know where George has disappeared to, but he has not got enough experience yet to leave us. I have depended on this forum today to get those terrible income tax numbers out of my head. Poor Billy, he did them for 54 years. Would not let me get a tax service to do them. They will be simple next year.

Maryann, I guess I was connecting to him. I could not have seen the beauty except through his eyes. Everything has been so dark and drab and foggy for so long. That is why I wanted Iheart to keep trying. We have to keep trying. But, my friend hitting the tombstone of her husband with a shovel did not connect to him. I want to put some pictures on here when my daughter puts her names on them. She went to East Texas today up around Caddo Lake, Jefferson, Texas, Uncertain, Texas. The blue bonnets and other flowers are in bloom and she took some beautiful pictures with Billy's new camera. Iheart needs to not leave, she will get results that sometimes melts a cold heart, and afterall, when they leave us that is what we have, we have a cold dead heart and she is so new to this. The wax around mine is melting. Hers will too with time. We just need horrible, intolerable, hurting, painful time to finally see a glimmer of something that might be akin to happiness. Not happiness as we wanted it, but maybe happiness as our mates wanted us to have it. Like you say..........we have to try.

I will have a memorial stone put in Billy's folks plot. Then when I go they can combine them and bury the urn. My old fashioned uncle offered me two plots in our family cemetery out in the country, it is beautiful, but there are more Haynes's than Johnson grass. I cannot do that to Billy. My family is used to Baptist funerals and was surprised about the cremation. I could tell he did not approve. We will go where his people are buried although the other is kept up the prettiest. He does not care anymore, I am sure, but I do and I want to be with his family. I have been a Mims a lot longer than a Haynes. There is no one left to want things. We have our kids and grandkids, of course, and they have what they wanted. The stuff I am taking with me is just stuff, nothing but "stuff." No meaning to anyone but me. I will sleep in his Tee shirts and sweat pants. The fishing stuff, I will divide among the kids. I do not plan on doing anymore fishing. Driving home today from the "big city" is when I talk to him and most times cry. I did not cry today. I told him that no amount of crying was going to bring him back so for the moment, I just wouldn't cry. I imagine there will be a lot more tears, but they won't bring him back. I sure miss that boy. If he was still here I would not fuss about him blowing those crow and coyote calls all he wanted to. I could invest in ear plugs, cannot bring back him.