Margm

Guess those boys were my favorite, next The Band, and finally, still, Journey (with the new singer Arnel).

I have so many Eagles CD's. Know I have to go digital, but not tired of my CDs. I love Witchy Woman.

Well, I hope it is not deleted. You said what we all wanted to say..We hurt, we hurt bad, we hurt period, and dammit, no one hurts any worse than the other one. But, if some levity, somebody can see a glimmer of a sunbeam in a day, don't rain on his parade.. If you did not see it, wait around, when you have been here three months, four months, six months, five years, ten years, listening to these people that have lived way past our own grief, those that have suffered as much as we suffer, applaud their small achievement, and hope like heck that one of these days you will lose the anger, for just a few minutes. The world is not fair. We get angry at things, beat the tombstone, but don't beat down on people that are trying to live one day at a time, just like you are, and don't suggest they go somewhere else because you might be left here all alone and then where would your help come from. Okay, mine can be deleted too. Sometimes my witchy side comes out.

I understand you both. It is a feeling of sinking when I know I cannot turn to Billy, like I have for 54 years, 100 times a day. I have to clear HIS STUFF out. I won't get rid of it. My mom used to tell me about the "dog in the manger" but this old dog cannot give his stuff away yet. I have drawers of NOTHING. Nothing I will ever use. I cannot call Billy a hoarder, but that is exactly what he was with certain unusable stuff. He thought he might use it. Pieces of yarn, pieces of animal fur, all for fly tying. I won't save this stuff. It really is trash and he has no use for it. No one else does either.. Not in the sense he would put up old newspapers. He never read papers except the sports pages. He saved numerous pages of figures, figures of line depths for photography, line widths, lengths for fly lines, types of fly ties, stuff I will never touch again, but he touched it. I cannot get rid of it yet. Someone else might have to get rid of it. Just the fact he wrote it is dear to me. I am fixing to go to the "big city" and I am going alone. I don't get to be alone much, but I will talk to Billy all the way there and back.

Kay, I knew you would never tell anyone to "get out." We do not need to lose our "experience" and I am afraid one might have moved on to a more "advanced" years of grief forum. I hope not. Everyone has free will. I did income tax all day yesterday. I had help. Numbers kept pushing my head under water. Billy always waited till the 14th and he would work furiously. I worked furiously just to put off the main form until later. I got my extension, I will send in my check today. When i get settled in my new apartment then I will figure out how this extension is not the real deal. I have never figured income tax before. I should have had this done when I was in Louisiana but living in a suitcase, you lose things, misplace them. While I was out of this house one of my house guests decided to tidy up and I have no idea where Billy's old taxes are located now. He kept them in one place, each year on top of the other. These papers meant nothing to anyone but Billy and myself. I am at a loss of energy and don't even want to go to the post office. I have to get one foot in front of the other.

I doubt that "get out" was ever advised. I think staying in and reading other's posts would be a wise decision. If those that are a few months ahead of me in grief see a moment of sunshine and mention it, then I think we should applaud rather than strike out at that person. Maybe a month or so further down the line, maybe we can pick up on some moment of happiness and think maybe it might be possible for us too because that person has suffered terribly. Rather than attack, read, hope, anticipate. I think without those that have a few months, or years, experience on us, if they leave us we will have the blind leading the blind. I am afraid at least one person is going to quit leading and go on to a forum that is more "advanced" in their grief. Without that person's experience, if any of the more experienced leave, we will have a bunch of beginners trying to lead beginners. It won't happen. And, I doubt strongly that any aggrieved condition is worse than any other, except to our own self. If you keep reading you get help. If you stop, you go down the path at your own peril.

You guys, (and I use that for girls and boys), you are leaving the first graders to teach themselves. We need the experience of Kay, Mitch, George, Kpilot, Brad, Anne, (and I leave off names) everyone that has experience or you have a bunch of grievers that can see no further than out the first grade door. We have to have someone to lead us, we have to have someone that has made it through six months, one year, two years, five years, and more. If you leave us first graders with our new grief trying to help each other, we will have the blind leading the blind. Now, that is all I am going to say about this and now I am going to go get back in bed with Buck. I liked the Bakersfield sound. I liked Dwight Yocum, and even Brad Paisley gave a forward. See, I am reading again. I am advancing. I could not advance without you more experienced showing that life does happen. And believe me, there are a lot more of us out there that need guidance through this hellhole called grief. Remember, "if one clot should break off England's shore, England would be the worse for it." I don't quite know John Donne's words very well, but I know the meaning. Now, lets not hear anything about anyone else leaving and let me go visit Buck again.

Well George, I hate that. I wish you hadn't. I am not quite far enough along for you all that I use for guides to move on. I already am old, if I move from here I will be obsolete. I will go find you.

Okay Mitch, I am going to tell you how important you are to this forum. I had gone to bed and had bought Buck Owens' autobiography for my Kindle. So, you must be mighty important for me to leave Buck Owens in bed to come answer this. No pun intended. (And Billy would laugh, so I don't feel guilty about saying that.) Last night you got attacked by someone who was in the throes of an anger attack, just like my friend that attacked her husband's tombstone right after it had been placed. Made no sense, but she had to be hurting very bad to carry it on, so we will feel sorry for her. Sometimes angry people attack innocent people and inanimate objects. I guess they just hurt so bad. That widow must have really turned her into something she did not want to be. I think it happens some times. We have seen it around here a few times. I was attacked in a private message and I had to consider the source in this incident, and I think we have to consider it in the attack on you too. Anger is an emotion and we should not turn it at a fellow sufferer, and certainly not suggest they go somewhere else. I would imagine that person feels very bad today, and that is something we have to forgive. Attacking an innocent person should not be done. Be assured, you have never written anything that would turn someone into a shrew. We all are happy for any light you see. We are all happy for any light any of us see. I knew your feelings were hurt, I am sure we all did, and I think it was more of a shock and most could not believe it had been done. So, we have to assume that person was hurting as bad as my friend who took a shovel to her husband's headstone. Anger is an emotion I have had to hold down. But, I used it to try to alleviate my pain. Maybe this person was trying to alleviate her pain and you were the person who unfairly caught it. Don't quit posting, and don't let someone who really did not know what they were doing harm you. It is sad it happened, but we do have to worry about that person. She has a long road ahead of her and she needs the help of people like you, and people that have walked this path months ahead of us.

@Cookie: I had two good friends who went to sleep with a healthy husband, relatively young, in their late 60's or middle 60's and they woke up with their husbands gone. I cannot even imagine their pain. Well, yes I can. I graduated with one of these guys. They had no idea they were ill. We knew Billy had back trouble, but had no idea he was so sick and a brain aneurysm on top of the cancer. Cannot change a thing. Once it is gone, we can only feel their presence sometimes and I have blocked Billy's when I know I should have been looking for him. My faith and my brain were dead also. My fingers are not, unfortunately.

@Maryann, you speak the truth. We have to try.

@Cookie: Billy knew. He knew I knew. I was not going to accept it. I was going to perform a miracle. I had the power, I was God, I was going to cure him. Only Billy knew. He knew I could not/would not accept it. We did not discuss it. I can see us at night, me holding him and telling him that I could not live without him. He would always say "I know." and that is all he would say. But that one time he did tell me that the one left had to stay. I didn't want to stay. I wanted to go too. I was just scared if I took my own life I might not be with Billy. I come from a strict religion that I did not practice for years, but the religious teachings were etched in my brain. I still have some miles to go before I reach the faith I want to have. I want what my mama said from the Bible, "peace that passes all understanding." I think that is all any of us want. Forgiving ourselves is hard. But, we both know our mates would have been the first to forgive us. The fact of the matter is, they both would see nothing to forgive. It is a given.

@Maryann: I get so bogged down I cannot really feel Billy. I have had moments. I thought of my friend telling me never to do again what I had done. I was trying for acceptance so I would put my hands on his side of the bed and say "your not here and you are never coming back." I did not cry. It was just a fact of life/death. My friend Terri had lost her husband less than a year before. She told me never ever to do that. She told me to reach to his side of the bed, talk to him, and tell him that he would always be beside me and would always live right in my heart, that he was with me for all times. I did that and I felt so much better. This morning walking to the mailbox I looked at that brilliant blue sky with the billowing white clouds. Against the fluorescent green of the big trees all around turning out their new leaves, it was the most beautiful picture and because Billy was my amateur photographer, I pictured it through his eyes, and I felt him in my heart. And my neighbors, if they were looking out the windows or were close, they said "there goes that crazy woman that looks to the heavens and talks to herself. What can they expect? My husband was the crazy man who fished every day in his front yard. He was practicing his fly techniques, but they would usually stop and ask if he had caught anything. We live life like we have to at any given moment. I felt Billy with me today. I have blocked him I guess, or maybe that was part of the grief process that blocked him, we all run this race at a different speed. Donatello, the purple teenage ninja turtle.

I wonder if anyone ever thought "we are here for help" and if it does not help us, just ignore it. How can we possibly criticize a fellow griever. How can we see the suffering that person goes through each day and dare criticize him/her? Grief makes us all crazy, but it is not something that can be treated by a psychiatrist. Or, in my opinion, it should not be. Now my friend, right after they put the stone on her husband's grave she went out and attacked that stone, with anger and malice. In her case, there were no tears. In her case, I think a straitjacket and a padded room should have been utilized. My mom was angry at my dad because he got sick and made her quit the best job she ever had. In her talking moments now, she still blames him. Both of these men had cancer. But, you all know my mom probably needed a padded room about 95 years ago June 2nd. I admit, I did get angry one time when I was pushed on by another member. All of our feelings are like the quote one of our members put on this morning. The sea grass that is sharp at first but gets the edges softened with time. I think this person that pushed my anger has moved on. I am a mother, some of you people could be my kids, I hate to see my kids suffer. I hate to see any of you suffer. All of our feelings are like that sea grass. If anyone left because some angered person's grief drove them away, please consider that all of our moods do not go in line. That person was suffering from untold grief that made anger her chief objective. She was not angry at you, our wonderful person that tells grief so beautifully, she was angry with grief and attacked you, attacked anything she could attack, just like my friend beating on the stone. John Donne wrote a poem a long time ago that describes what would happen if we lost even one of you. I won't put it on here, you all know it. "Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls." I am not good at memory, but he mentions that if England should even lose one clod of earth we would all be the worse for it. And that describes how we would be without all of you.

Oh well, I'm the world's worst for hijacking threads. I have opinions about everything and my "run on" fingers usually tell it.

Maryann, a sweet potato vine is one thing I can grow. I did not inherit the green thumb the rest of my family has. But, you can fit the potato into a glass of some sort that will hold up to the weight of the vine and it will just grow and grow. Why? I don't know. I usually let plants die. I won't say anything after that. (But your post makes sense to me.)

It is just like with my widowed friends, without their help, how would I know I could face tomorrow. Each of you with experience, and I won't start naming all of you, you know who you are, men and women. Without you, I just don't know what I would have done. How many people find a forum like this after 3 days from death. Like the nugget, maybe Billy might have helped save my life. Hey, stranger things have happened. I wish I could believe in things like that again. Maybe some of the fog might lift. Without the experience that is on here, really, what would I have done? If iheart stays around, she will get the help she needs, not the help some widow she does not know is going to tell her. Yes, sometimes I want to wallow in my grief. But, if I stay in bed too long to wallow in it there will be three police cars and an ambulance sitting in front of my house. And, you all know my family will do that.

Okay Gwen, I am going to share Donatello (Donnie) with you of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, only because he wears purple. And yes, I do watch them, and they have a new movie coming out. We are gonna win this race. We may not cheer, but we are still gonna come out, maybe not kicking so high, but just crossing that finish line will help. We will have some joy one of these days. And, I can feel Billy wanting me to have joy. Boy, am I gonna throw him a curve. The last place that boy would have lived would be an apartment. So, that is what I am moving in first, boxes of his stuff. Not being mean, just because it is what I have packed and it is things I can lift. I will have movers move the big stuff, but there won't be much of that. Gonna have a garage sale. Didn't want to, but there is just too much stuff and my garage sale daughter wants to do it. Times are not happy times, but they are one foot in front of the other times. Like Robert Frost said, "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." I'm staying Billy, even if I don't want to. Enna, you are so correct. I value each of you. I think someone just was in a very dark place tonight, maybe the suggestion to talk to another widow threw her under the bus instead of helped her. I don't think anyone is going anywhere. You all are gonna be stuck with my long posts forever, and you can read them or not. I have "run-on" fingers. Sorry. I think some people had a bad day as we all do almost 23 out of 24 hours. Any breakthrough from our suffering is something to help challenge us to possibly have that happen in our own life. No one has to go anywhere, or at least I hope no one goes anywhere because you all actually saved my life. No drama, just fact.

Purple is my favorite color too. I want my world to just plain have color in it again rather than fog. I don't think we ever will have the happiness we had, but just keeping my head above water is an accomplishment, I cannot swim. Hold on girl. We gotta make it. And, I so want some of my magic back, just a little of it.

@iheartm: Yes you can wallow in it. At least you can if you don't have 5-10 people hanging around you. The only time I can be alone is to go off by myself in the truck and then I am worried about till I get home. You met someone you do not know. I am an old lady. I have one thing going for me, I am so old that most of my friends are already widows in different stages. I talked to one yesterday that was one year in December. Things were not much better for her than they are for me. Read the articles that Marty posts. I have bought book after book about widows and widowers. We are all different, yet we are all the same. Please have hope. I lost Billy October 17th after 54 years and I selfishly wanted 54 more. Three months, three years, 33 years, 54 years. We have all lost our reason for living. But, people are still living. Don't let that one woman you talked to give you advice, you do not know her. Keep reading. These are friends. You don't know them if you meet them on the street, they come from every part of the country. One thing grief is, it is shared by any nationality or culture. Please just hang in with us. And as for people going to other places, I would not be this far along at nearly six months without these people that were further along than I am. I am not ready for anyone to leave. I have not had to go to a grief group. This little town does not have one. I don't know where I would be without this group. I guess I would be food for the coyotes and buzzards.

No Marty, it was not poorly worded. You never put anything on here that does not help us all. I realize that people that are on this journey only a few short weeks, they do not see light at the end of the tunnel. When I discovered this forum, I read everything. Then, in talking with my friends who had been widows from only a few months up to 18 years, I found out that there is life after our mates death. I don't think any of us will be kicking up our heels, and when they told me things would be easier, they did not mean I would quit missing Billy, they just meant that I had room to breath. As it was, at the beginning I had to quit screaming because it hurt my head so, but I would cry until I thought I could not breath and I would think, "okay, maybe if I cry harder it will all be quiet and dark and I can be with Billy." I still cry ever so often. I still yell at him. He would expect it. I pray to Jesus and talk to Billy. I figure they just consider the source, both of them. And for those that don't believe, then they don't have to buy into my belief. But, the idea that I was so distraught that I had to take my own life, make my children and grandchildren more troubled, this forum pulled me through. And for those just beginning the journey, we all take different paths. I doubt any of you will follow my path, but I don't mind following behind you that are more experienced. I love hearing about your touching your loved ones in spirit, I am addicted to your progress. I cannot call it recovery, I can only follow your progress and hope for mine. The newest ones to the forum, you cannot possibly be any lower than I was, you cannot crawl under a snakes belly. But if there is hope for me, there is hope for anyone. Maybe not abject happiness, but numb spells where you are satisfied that you did not die too. It made me understand Billy telling me "the one left must stay." Somehow. And Kay, you living off in the mountains by yourself, you having all the problems that you have. Your courage gives me hope. You volunteer, you try to live. I admire that so much.

I am so happy that Mitch is feeling even the levels of happiness that he is feeling. Somehow, it gives me hope. He has been on the journey a lot longer than I have, but I find myself even at nearly six months, I take pleasure in every step they are taking. Kevin, at six months, he made a big step. Kay, at years, her husband helped her feel comforted. I joined at three days with 50 morphine in possession. If it had not been for this forum my plan was to drive my truck up into the Ouachita National Forest (A vast number of dirt roads you can ride for days without seeing anyone). I planned on going down one of the logging trails, where not many people traveled, and I planned on walking a very long way away from the truck, which would be hidden. I figured by the time I would be found (plenty of identification on my body), that my kids would not have to identify me. This was three days after Billy left. Then I found this forum. It saved my life. Sometimes I am not happy about living, but I am happy I did not do what I felt I had to do at three days after his death. Guilt ate my guts up because I was not holding him, and I could/should have been. I've even learned to fight that guilt and believe that Billy forgives me. Good Gosh Kay, don't ever leave me, or the others. Mitch, don't leave. I depend on each of you that have gone further on the journey than I have to speak your mind. I know if this ole country redneck gets help, surely more articulate people can take comfort in your foray into this journey. Don't leave. If you do, I will have to follow somewhere. I'm glad I got rid of the pills. No more suicidal thoughts, but only because of the people on this forum.

@WK: I cover a lot of ground with that little Ford Ranger, and this keyboard too. Thanks WK. @Kay: Maybe Billy has not really come to me (except the nugget) because I have not been in extreme need. You were in extreme need. George knew it. You needed comfort. I love hearing these stories. I wish I could tell Billy I am not that strong, he can help me anytime he wants to. I do believe when the house was full of people he did come to me, it might have been a dream, but I heard him say "it's enough." I know he knew I was not going to rise up and fight all those people or run them off. I would have had a heart attack or felt the guilt even yet. I could afford them living here, but I had to leave, just like my trip in my mind to that seedy motel in the middle of Texas. That is where my mind goes when it gets too much to bear. Have not been yet, but if I go missing, don't tell anyone my secret. (I'll take my laptop with me.).

#Gwen, never apologize for your grief. You did not ask for it. You have got to know we all understand. There are times I look around and say "Dammit Billy, you didn't even stay around long enough for me to pamper you." I say a lot of more things to him. After 54 years, I miss that old boy more than anything I can think of. Okay, I won't get carried away. Just know, we are all hurting. If it was possible, I would conjure up Billy and just sit and hold his beautiful hands. Makes me want to study witchcraft. Maybe I just need to find my faith again. Girl, we all do some hurting and fussing and probably a lot of cursing. Wish it did some good. If you were here I would hug you and we could just have a good old cry together. I think we can cry together as well as alone. I tried to race a big Dodge Ram after the light turned to green. My little Ford Ranger was left in the dust. We all go at our own speed. Honestly, I would not have his Dodge Ram if he tried to trade. I could not see over the hood of that Toyota. We go at our own speed. Sometimes the turtle wins the race.

Gwen, I want the old me back. I want the one who believed in magic things, miracles, wishing upon a star, wishing on a falling star, find a penny face up, putting it in your shoe, all kinds of things. Seeing the cardinals representing lost loved ones. Well, funny, there was one cardinal on the porch and he was making a noise we all had to turn around and pay attention to him. Almost like he was making us look at him. That was my previous magic. This time, he was just a raucous bird making an annoying sound. I miss that part of me. I miss my magic. I miss my Billy, but I had my magic before I met Billy, I want it back so bad. I want to believe in things being messages from Billy to me. I have seen him, but only as part of a waking up dream. My mama raised me on fairy tales. I always wanted to live in a world where little fairies lived under the flowers, under the leaves (but I would not want to step on one). Since Billy left, most of my faith left with him. The magic is gone. I want to find it again. I think that I might find it again. I look forward to it. A realist is a person who tends to view or represent things as they really are. I hate reality shows. I do not want to be a realist. When you wish upon a star Makes no difference who you are Anything your heart desires Will come to you If your heart is in your dream No request is too extreme When you wish upon a star Like dreamers do I want to believe that way again. Like in Pinocchio. I prefer animated movies to real movies. People tell me about movies and they are sad.. I tell them I do not watch those kind of movies.. They say "well, that is life, it represents real life." I tell them, "I live real life." I want make believe in my movies. Life can be beautiful, but right now it has a dark color to it. I want to see the fluorescent greens, yellows, oranges, blues, purples.........mostly purples.