Margm

I just noticed how many times I posted. I sure have a gift for gab. Too many posts.

Mitch, you have heard the saying that "point your finger at them and they will cry?" Well, tears came. That is nothing unusual though.. Yes, when given the choice of another woman or biscuits and gravy, at age 75, I know which Billy would have picked. Now, when he was 40, that might have been another decision. That boy loved his biscuits and gravy though, so it might have been a tough decision. I learned how to make them as good as his mama's. My only fault was I had to use Bisquick. He didn't care

Mitch, I accept any help from Billy I can get.

I am not sure how to do this "quote this" thing, but I am going to try. I love all the quotes. I am so selfish though, I wish Billy had found someone 20 years younger than I am. I wish he had quit his smokeless tobacco for this person, I wish she had not fixed him so many biscuits and gravy, his favorite food. I wish he still lived with this other woman so I did not grieve him missing from this life. I might be angry at him for leaving me, but that is okay, I just wish him healthy and well again, even if it is with someone else.

Polly, I don't know how to do anything mechanical. I can change light bulbs. And, I have not made out my income tax. Never done it. Hate numbers so bad I cannot even describe it. My Algebra teacher told my mom he would have passed me if I had just taken the final test. I wrote my name on it and took it up to his desk and spent two years in chorus making up the one credit. I am going to try it. I am going to send a note with it. I was supposed to get it down when I was in Louisiana, but there was no time. Never had a minute to myself. I imagine I will have to redo it for them, but what the heck. And yes, that makes all the sense in the world to me.

Bill, every Saturday I would count off another week. Then I quit counting weeks, but the `17th of the month came around, and this one will be six months. And I still feel like I just saw him ten minutes ago, he should be sitting in his place on the couch where he always sat. my year only has 11 months in it. I will never recognize October. Now, I will give out candy on Halloween, but that is October 31st, and the next day begins my year again. I don't have to make sense. Never made a whole lot of sense, but now I have a reason.

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” ~ Walt Disney Company, Mulan ~ Mama was a farmer. Good Gosh, that woman could grow anything. She would be sitting in the dirt, you know it had to be rich dirt, and those long fingernails of hers would shred all the clumps up. I asked her how she kept her nails so long and pretty. She said the dirt helped them. I just washed out a bunch of dirt from under my nails and I just shudder. I am not a farmer. I am not a homesteader. Mama always looked at me like I came out from under the cabbage leaf. I don't think she ever really believed some carrot haired ginger could be her kid. (Mama and Daddy were both brunettes, but my Mammaw's folks were both gingers.) My mammaw was partial to me. I wish I had some of my mama's good DNA. I think I collected most of the cabbage leaf's DNA. Now my newly painted front porch has six bright red planters filled with red petunias. I hope I can keep them alive until someone buys the house. These flowers will bloom in adversity. (And, this has nothing to do with grief, other than I grieve the little farm woman that was my mama. Her little Alzheimer's brain sometimes looks out the window and you know she is planting and growing. I hope Heaven allows her to have a garden and her and her folks can just farm through the rest of time).

Sometimes I don't think people expect us to act like we did before we lost our mate. I get agitated so easily, then laugh at myself. The very idea, I came in from buying groceries for these four people. I come in and someone is on my computer. My PC. They are just typing away. NO ONE gets on my computer. And, I am not going to cook. And, I fussed at Billy all the way to the grocery store and home. (I forgot I had a new laptop). All I could think was, I sure will be glad when I get my apartment and only have to be responsible to myself.. That won't ever happen. Oh, I will get the apartment, but there will be someone around all the time.. See, I am just a witch today. That stuff is gonna happen. I shut my door. I keep reminding myself of the man who fussed because he had no shoes, then he saw a man with no feet. Oh, and another thing, we have three TV's in this house and they pick mine to play games on. Yeah, I am a witch today, with a "b" instead of a "w." No, I am not griping at them. It would hurt their feelings and I am not gonna do that. I bought plenty of groceries they can fix their own stuff to eat. I don't cook anymore. I just packed Billy's Escapee's shirt "Home is Where You Park It." That boy sure had a lot of clothes he never wore. I don't think he even knew he had them. I'm going to plant more red petunias. I hate gardening. Am I a grouch or what?

Well Butch, I think she has all of our hearts. Prayers.

I suffered terrible guilt because my husband held out his beautiful hands to me letting me know he had to give up. I shoved them down. I was angry. He was not supposed to give up. We were going to have a miracle. He loved to be held. The last act in his life, I did not hold him. Fifty-four years of marriage and this last act, I did not hold him. He was not supposed to die. They had told us months. He had pulled me through two miracles, I was going to pull him through this one. I have not talked about this, and block it out of my mind when it comes to my mind since my early days on this forum. But, the guilt always runs deep.. His last act in life, I let him down. Since then, I have convinced myself he understood. The thing is, I don't understand, and I cry when I go into it like I am right now. Our son told me the other day that once when I was fussing at his daddy, my husband, saw our son wanted to come back with a fussing reply at me. I was in the kitchen so I did not hear what went on. Billy told our son "don't say anything, your mama gets a pass." So, maybe your wife forgives you. I think Billy forgives me. I just cannot yet forgive myself, and I hope one day to be able to tell him how sorry I am. I believe he knows it. Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves first. Good luck and peace our fellow griever.

Praying.

Sherbear, please keep reading. These people have helped pull me through some rough times. I just told my son, "how could he leave, he was just here yesterday." How can someone that is bigger than life leave us? I am so sorry. All I can say is just keep reading. Marty has something for everyone. A very wise woman. As you can read, we are all at different stages, but that does not mean that the stage one minute from now won't be worse than the last moment. I wish peace for you my friend.

If it is as cold as those mountains look, I know it was a rush.

This is so beautiful to a flatlander Louisiana mudbug hole walking, muddy bottom murky rivers. We so loved the mountains. I am so glad you had a good time. Thanks Kevin for being brave and branching out. We missed you, but so happy you were working on "you." Wonderful. Gives us all hope. Well, for sure gives me hope. Ana, Louisiana is beautiful with its old plantations, all the bayous, all the lakes. It does not sparkle and shine like mountains and pristine lakes in those mountains, and the wonderful mountain streams. But, it feels like I am going home. My home was always where Billy was. i could have lived in a tent and did live fulltime in a 19 foot 5th wheel. Happiest times of our life. I might buy a little car that gets lots of mileage and one I can reach the foot controls and see over the steering wheels and I might take off for some seedy motel in the east coast since the west coast was Billy's and mine. I still have a sense of adventure. My biggest hurdle is convincing my kids it is not time to put me in assisted living. I am in better shape than they are. I used to love to get in my little red car and ride for miles and miles. Billy didn't mind. He was fishing. Sometimes I would get so far it was necessary to either turn back or get a motel. He would not have liked that.

I just said a prayer for Gracie and your family. Like you said, she is a fighter.

WK, I think you lost your love a few days after Billy left. Some days are better than others. We just have to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, we just have to stand still. We just keep thinking we have to have relief some time or the other. Most days I think I hear footsteps behind me and I don't turn around, I am not going to run from them and it won't be hard to catch me if the footsteps want me. Our hope comes from reading the path that others are taking that have been on this path longer than us. And, I just hope for the numbness that comes sometimes. I like being numb.

I am not feeling positive today, but don't want to rain on anyone's day. We have rain so hard our little dry stream bed down the hill from the house is a raging river. It runs off fast. I am feeling all of the meanings of "morose." Morose: sullen, sulky, gloomy, bad-tempered, ill-tempered, dour, surly, sour, glum, moody, ill-humored, melancholy, melancholic, brooding, broody, doleful, miserable, depressed, dejected, despondent, downcast, unhappy, low, down, grumpy, irritable, churlish, cantankerous, crotchety, cross, crabby, cranky, grouchy, testy, snappish, peevish, crusty; Got to go to the "big city" today. A friend had surgery and got to find something cheery in the colors of the Dallas Cowboys for her. Her truck is dedicated to the Cowboys and I don't even want to ride with her in it. Of course, the Saints are my team. Seems like I am "treading water" in getting out of this house. But, the porch is finally painted. I have four huge plastic "buckets" packed with Billy's stuff and only probably have half of it packed. I will take all of it to the apartment on May 6th. Then will finish up. Sleeping was spotty last night. I probably felt guilty for not treating Billy's hats better. I kept hearing things and waking up. I am sure I am in a much safer place than I will be in the apartment, but will be less scared there. Rain decreasing, so that is a positive.

Kay, Billy never paid into SS. When both of us started working for state government, him in 1959, me in 1970, we did not pay into SS. I quit once for about six weeks and went to work for another hospital. I left my retirement alone, and when I came back newer hires were also paying into SS. So, I worked about 15 more years paying into just SS, no retirement. Because I got state retirement, my SS was cut down to unlivable amounts, but it paid my Medicare and comes on the 3rd Wednesday of the month. It provides enough for groceries and the ability to live the rest of the month. Billy wanted me to take a lesser retirement so that if I passed first, he would have received more money. Our state is in bad financial shape because of a Governor named Jindal. His brother is an oil and gas lawyer. The family is from India. He has killed our medical and educational system where we rank last in the nation. Scares me, because though our retirement is supposed to be guarded by the state constitution, I just do not trust politicians.

I think you speak beautifully. My native tongue is country redneck. Should be English, but my "i's" always come out as "a's: My hometown is Springhill, pronounced Spranghill. I know how to pronounce "egg and leg" but they always come out as "aig and laig." My Billy used to laugh at my one syllable "surp" while his had two syllables "syr-up" He finally made me change my "Thursday" when I wanted a drink of water to the proper thirsty. Then I had to learn to distinguish a lot of dialects while doing medical transcription with English as the 2nd or 3rd language. Some of the doctors would dictate three pages of a major surgery and all I could do was try to keep the instruments and body parts close to where the operative slip said the type of surgery was to be done.. So, you speak beautifully, and your skills with photography and the computer are envied by me. My Billy was an amateur photographer. He had just bought his new lens and camera when he got sick. Now our amateur photographer daughter has it.

I'm just ready to get out of here. The porch got painted today. Petunias planted Tuesday.. (I hate gardening). Gonna give the house away but want her to be spiffed up before I leave. (Scott painted the porch). I had promised Billy I would, but this is okay. Kelli (daughter) had been in a black mood and painted her bedroom mostly black. Have been planning on repainting for nine years. We procrastinate a lot around here. Billy was the world's worst procrastinator, except when it came to dying. Just gotta leave.

Well, I wish you were here to help me pack. I know it is hard to try to take care of yourself when our immune system is down because we don't really care. But, we don't like our head hurting either, so we have to stave off that pain. My daughter went with me to the doctor last week. I could hear her talking to the doctor. It was a really short visit for me, doc knew all about me before she saw me. This was my daughter's doctor. She had to get her prescriptions refilled so our appointments were at the same time. Really did not care to talk anyhow. She started me on a morning BP medicine, metoprolol I think. I take clonidine at night. I have Louisiana State Group Insurance, went to Walmart to get my medications and they did not recognize my insurance. Arkansas recognizes it. Oh, they found me in the system and I got three medicines for $4, so I did not complain. But they told me to get a new card. I have been with Louisiana Group Insurance since 1961. They sent me a new card after Billy passed. Anyhow, I hope you have someone to go with you, maybe not "Chatty Cathy" like my daughter, but someone to come with you. Let us hear how it goes, okay? Thoughts are with you.

Actually, her last name was "Wise." And, she was not as "loving" as my other grandmother, but she was very self sufficient and "Wise."

Ana, my little country grandmother wrote her will on a Big Chief ruled tablet with a #2 pencil. It was legal. That little country woman saved up enough she was able to leave each of the six surviving children land and money. She picked out the land to be left each "child." I thought it sad that she put a paragraph in "Please do not fuss among yourselves." She knew that was going to happen. Mama wanted, and got, the prized girl's room furniture. She had a houseful of furniture so she gave it to me, an RVing person that could not use it. Those other kids, my cousins, they would have been much better off, or rather the furniture would have. I put it out in the storage house here and forgot about it. When I went to get something I found out the roof had leaked bad and the furniture that my mama had wanted so bad was ruined. She never knew. Things that mean so much to us might be meaningless to one of our grandchildren. Money is nice to have, but if I won a million dollars, it would be gone before midnight. I saw Billy's family fuss over his dad's meager belongings. It was so sad. I was so proud of Billy. He said "I had all I needed from him." They jumped on him wanting to know what he had gotten. He told them, "I had his love." Really, the little man had nothing else to give. It was like vultures hovering over a grasshopper. Sad.

So happy for your family and Gracie. So sad we are all having such a hard time with our losses. I wish my mind was that of a child and maybe I could leave some of the grief behind. I remember my grandparents passing and as much as I loved them, I do not remember this hurt. I wish we could all have the peaceful mind of children. I am so happy for Gracie. She is beautiful.

Karen, they started me on a morning blood pressure medicine. I take one at night, but the other morning it was 140/80, which seemed okay to me but the doc wanted me to take a morning one also. This is also supposed to help with the tremors. I have not noticed if it does or not really, but know they will make you dizzy sometimes until you get used to them. The best way to do everything is to eat healthy, exercise, etc. etc . You know, all that crap. Well, my lifetime diet is very low to non-existent on fiber. I can have wheat bread. One doc told me I scared him. (They sent him for anger management). He saved my life, I used to like him. (I really still do.) The GYN doc told me they could do a D&C but if they found anything they could not fix it. So, I figure, why subject myself to anymore examinations. Give me my Xanax, which they will let me have, blood pressure meds, and nightly dose of MiraLax and I will not bother them. I don't know how to have peace. I wish I did. I got rid of my morphine pills, the cliffs around here are not high enough, and so I will just slow down if I hear those footsteps behind me. Until then, I would hug you if I were close enough and even that would not help. Then we would both just cry, I know I would. I like feeling numb and I don't know how to find it in this house. (Somehow, I don't think it is the house's fault.) But, it's my excuse right now.