Margm

Billy used to laugh and laugh when he did something dumb. I put up with it for probably 50 years and then I asked him why he does that. He said "Well it was stupid of me and I laugh at myself before anyone else can." I guess sometimes I do and say things and fuss at myself before someone else can. And like the woman said to Kay, that was really mean. I am lucky my friends forgive me. Just like the people on this forum, you have to love their spirits and hearts for making it through each day.

SCBA, your note to Patty, I would like to "like" it twice. And now I don't know where it is or where I am either. It was just right above this one. Oh well, I pulled one of my single (by myself) rides today looking for a certain landmark I have not visited in probably 20 years. I went through this tiny town going in circles. Even talked to a town cop who told me how to go. Never did find it. I love going down strange roads, but I hate going back over one I just came down.

Well Kay, as you can read, I was not proud of it. But stupid people occasionally do stupid things. Yes, she forgave me. We share a lot with each other that neither of us would tell anyone else. "So please rise above insensitive people. Sometimes they mean well but are just ignorant".

I don't think any of us are selfish. I can be unreasonable. The month of October is off my calendar. I only have 11 months in a year now. Certifiably insane.

Mitch, it does not matter how many people are around us, we are still alone. That might be our forever. I gripe because there are some circumstances I could do without. We are all learning tough lessons in life. I was numb, I liked the numbness. Unfortunately it didn't last. All the people around me do not help.

My granddaughter lost an acquaintance. She was only 16. It was cancer. Billy was the only daddy my granddaughter knew. She was his heart and he covered himself with knowledge of the math's for her homeschool. He would work on a math problem, Google facts until he knew why and how to teach her so she would understand. If she missed a problem he would not give up until he understood. Yes, he was obsessive compulsive. So she asked me yesterday "why?" I had no answer. I am a Christian. I grew up under unbelievably strict circumstances and I spent 15 years in psychotherapy believing my cancer was a punishment. Billy did not believe this way. He wanted me to have my faith. There are men and women a lot smarter than I am who have faith and believe in God, a lot smart and smarter than me that do not believe. Even with my history, I have to have faith. I won't have any peace at all until I find it. I cannot concentrate for any length of time yet. I have no answers. Why do 200 die in plane crashes. Why all the deaths from terrorists? There are no answers.

In my way of thinking if you feel like crying, cry. Some people don't cry much. One of my friends was angry. My mom was angry at my dad for leaving her. I get off in my truck alone and talk to Billy, sometimes I yell at him, sometimes I have to pull off the road. Sometimes I am numb and force myself not to think. I rehash things and think "if only" and that does not help. I have walked in places still with tears. I don't care what people think. It is our own personal sorrow, to heck with what people think. Not their business. In the same way though, we don't know what personal demons they face. If you feel like crying, no matter where you are, cry. If someone asks, tell them you just lost your husband. Enough said.

Praying for family.

Girls, when I was 15, in our small town's school, we had "in school" talents in assembly. Of course, I am sure most schools did this. One of our senior girls sang "Hello Young Lovers" from the Broadway Play The King and I. She was dressed up as an old woman. I don't know why, but I cried and cried. Now, these many, many years later, it haunts me. I never forgot that performance. But, being older, I have lived a great life, had the best husband (to me) ever, and accomplished so many memories. Now I live the life of the song. But being old has its rewards. I wanted to keep Billy 54 more years, it was a fairy tale life, only living happily ever after was not to be. But, being old helps me not really care what other people think of me. I don't desire other people's company, but I have it. We all miss someone that was our life. I have to make myself go to my private place in my mind, because all of my family hurts so bad. I exist. That is what we all do, We have to forgive those people that shy away from us. We are reminders of everyone's mortality. I will start church. I will move to an apartment. I don't desire friends, but they are there. Just ignore thoughtless remarks. They do not understand our grief. But, unfortunately, they will, and like my widow friends tell me, we will survive. But, like my grandmother wrote 18 years after my grandfather's death, the pain was still with her. She outlived him nearly 30 years. She conducted the business of a small crossroad's country store.all those years with a brave spirit. I am her granddaughter, how can I do less. We all have to carry on. We "have to stay" and we all can do this, with or without friends. And maybe if we wish hard enough we can feel (our mates) with us. I am looking forward to that. Still have to explore my faith. Might not be your search, but it is mine, and, given the time, I might find peace. To quote someone on this forum, if we are falling off a cliff, we reach for anything that might break the fall. That is why I flushed those 50 morphine pills. I'm gonna stay as long as I can. Don't worry about the other people and what they think of you, just remember this pain and play it forward to help those that will need you in the future. I still remember the cruel mean thing I said to my good friend 18 years ago. It was mean, crude, and unforgivable. She never brought it up, she forgave me but I was mean and insensitive. She is one of my closest friends, I am humbled now. ADDENDUM: You want to know what I said? I can still remember it, I knew it was wrong when I said it, This woman was only about 56. She had been married to a relative of mine and my dad's pictures when he was young looked like this "young" man. She had fussed with her husband and then went for the cancer surgery of their newborn granddaughter who had a rare cancer. The surgery was very successful and that baby is a beautiful 18-year old now. She tried to call her husband and finally a relative found him dead from a brain aneurysm. In talking to her later, I remarked that she was still young enough and beautiful, she could find happiness again. Somehow in my stupidity, I thought it would cheer her up. Yes, there are callous people that say the wrong things to us. Some are well meaning, some are, like me. just stupid. The woman is my age and has been a big help to me. She did not discard me for a friend. She rose above my crass remark. I knew it was wrong before Billy passed. That woman takes his cremains to family gatherings. He died after an argument and she never got to say goodbye. Her pain is still raw. She lives still with guilt. She never remarried and I don't think she has even dated. So please rise above insensitive people. Sometimes they mean well but are just ignorant.

Kevin, we always caught and released. One time we kept a very big bass I had caught to show my dad. I forgot about it in getting the kids home. It appeared again on my birthday mounted with a copper plate of the weight, date, and where it was caught. #6 above is my biggest problem. Of course, the 10 commandments were rough for me. Never killed anyone though. Thanks for the list. I wish peace for us all.

I have well meaning friends and family. After my blowup yesterday, people are satisfied to let me fit into my cubbyhole I have dug for myself. There are some things I cannot fix no matter what I do. Being a witch is one of them. Handling me right now is like trying to remove a roasting pan without hot pan holders.

Well, I got rid of the 50 morphine pills. But I am not ready to get rid of any of his belongings yet.

Our son is very much alive. He was addicted to mainline drugs for many years. We quit RVing and moved to a smaller town, out of state, an art town. He is an artist and has shown his art all over. He is exceptionally gifted, and has battled bipolar for years. He had the year long hepatitis C treatments and he only has to wear a brace to walk from the GSW. He stayed in his room with his own bath and got himself off the drugs. His dad was his hero and the depression side of the bipolar is predominant now, He used to have a site to go to for his art, but has taken it down. I put this on because I really believe he can see things other people cannot.

Okay, we all know my family in general are a few bricks shy of a load. With me for their mom and my mom for their grandmom, how did they have a chance.? Our son was shot back in about 1993. See, his occupation was DJ at a strip club (for years) and he loved his job so much he would take his work home with him. It hit a major artery in his leg and he was bleeding out. He was somewhere that he shouldn't be. He coded twice on the operating table. First time all he saw was darkness. Second time it was beautiful and there were people he knew, but did not know how he knew them. They told him he could not stay. He always told me I was psychic, but I told him just psycho. Billy never believed him. He questioned the drugs he might have taken. He has seen spirits before, but Billy would not believe it. I did. I do talk to him all the time. He does not answer. The other night he said his girlfriend saw his dad. He said he did too for a moment. I said, well why can't I see him. He said because Daddy knows it would scare you. Damn straight it would. Last night our 16 year-old granddaughter went to the bathroom, looked in on me and said he was just sitting on my bed. she stared at him, then went to her room. She and I had both watched "Ghost" or rather we sobbed through "Ghost." Yep, I watched it for the second time. There have been other things that happened over the years. One was going up Signal Peak in the Gila. close to Cherry Creek and Pinos Altos. I heard distinctive women's voices on the trail ahead of us. We thought they were women hikers on the trail. Got to the top and no one was there. When I mentioned it afterwards, Billy denied hearing them. Nothing supernatural about that boy. I sure miss him.

Prayers

Ana, I am doing something so different than Billy would have done. I am starting over, and I have to do it without him. An apartment would never have been Billy's choice and I really think he would be disappointed in me. But, he is the one who said that the one left must stay. No, I won't be happy. I am not sure that word will ever be in my vocabulary again. I don't know how long I have left, but my biggest wish is to not ever be a bother to my children. I hate it you have to make a move. I hate it that any of us have to live without the ones we loved. I do wish you peace of mind. I think that is what I would wish for myself, so I wish it for you too.

I was a child when Billy and I married. So was he. That is why we called him "Billy the Kid." He opened Christmas presents like a little kid. Always before Christmas he wanted to know "what are you going to get me for Christmas/birthday/Father's Day? It aggravated me because sometimes the kids could not afford much. I wish I had not squelched his childish begging. Everyone enjoyed buying for him. I was a Grinch. I do not like getting presents, but with his passing, the fun of the holidays have left us. I have a new laptop, a Dell, and some of what I typed just disappeared. Might have posted somewhere else. Billy was loved by the whole family. Nothing he would not do for them. We never saved money. They got their inheritance while we lived. We were looking to finally resume our RVing that we gave up for family and to help raise a granddaughter, (Billy's heart). One time, our first granddaughter was sick. The parents bedroom was on the other side of the house. Billy slept on a quilt on the floor by her baby bed. He wore out a big old red rocking chair rocking our kids and their kids. He cannot and will not be replaced.. We have a couple of friends that shy away from me now. That does not bother me. I understand they hear the foot steps creeping up behind them and I am a reminder. I have way too many friends that are widows. These are my childhood friends, former coworkers and neighbors. I have said this before, they tell me it will get easier. They do not say the pain lessens, but tell me I will learn to live. And, of course I have the friend who told me that now I can find myself. Right now my "stage" is numb. Numb, dumb, glum. Like Billy said "the one left must stay." I don't like it. I hurt 54 years worth. But, I am staying, and I am going to try for some measure of happiness. That will be hard without Billy. I think sometimes, "WWBD." What would Billy do? He would take that RV and deposit it beside some trout stream in some western state. Unless, like me, it would hurt too bad to go where we went or planned to go. Oh, he would take my cremains along. Read Marty's posts. She has helped me more than any books I have tried to read. Oh yes, that is another stage, it is hard to concentrate for very long. Marty puts it to where we can understand it. And, as an addendum, this is why I don't have to write in a notebook, I write too much on here. But a notebook I can go back and read, and if I live five years from now I probably won't be on this forum and do not have to read my word salads. A notebook will only remind me of the depths of my pain, and I doubt the pain will ever leave, but maybe I will be a happy senile dementia patient. I might be the one they have to keep running and keeping me out of the old men's beds. (Yep, my mind will be gone.) Going, going, gone.

Gotta find a backbone. Billy was mine, and I have to learn to stand up for myself. Lot of family dynamics involved. Maybe that seedy motel in the middle of Texas is not a bad idea. Cannot do that with a 95 year old mom and two middle aged kids. They don't call us the hamburger generation because we eat so many.

Yep, fixing to go get on my broom and go to the store. Big family fuss but I need to be away in my own place. The thing is, I go to my home, family is there too. This is no one's problems but my own. Too many people depend on me, and I enable them, it is not their fault. Fixing to fly away. Marty, I wanted to put a "B" on the word instead of a "W," but both fit me right now.

On a better note to report on, my mom was very happy to be there. In her own way, she might have been as tired of my sister as my sister is of her. Only five days this time. She needs watching constantly. My sister said she turned her back on her to answer the door, Fedex man. Turned around and she was sitting in her birthday suit. She cannot walk, but her brain does not tell her that. Her skin is so thin. She has fell twice this week and skinned herself up bad. They said she would not be left alone at all. It is a much nicer place than my sister had her in for rehab. I read Marty's writings on our feeling our loved ones are close, I don't know how I feel about this. I am not an animal person. I love other people's animals, but I just do not want ANY more responsibility than myself. I honestly think I am a cold fish, probably as much life as a benched whale. But we had one dog I loved. After he was killed I honestly could hear him following along behind me, I was so used to him following me, I imagined I heard him panting like he always did when we would go walking. I thought nothing of this phenomenon. But I cannot hear Billy. (My opinion, mine alone) I do not think I will ever find peace until I get my mojo (faith) working. Right now I can be an old witch to everyone. What I find that really puzzles me is the fact I do not mind being an old witch yet. I hope that changes. I did not get old till Billy left. I always disliked old witchy women.

I have been able to express on here what I cannot put on paper. At five months, I can briefly glance at a picture of him. Not stare, briefly glance. Music, I can listen to what Janka posts, mostly in different languages. Nothing familiar. I wouldn't dare listen to Abba. I pray to Jesus for peace and wind up talking to Billy. I can see him with Jesus just shrugging their shoulders, like "whatcha gonna do?" I will drive by myself and talk to Billy and scream at God and at Billy.. Then I have to pull over and cry until I am out of breath, feeling as though my heart will stop, and hoping it will. But, the screaming hurts my head, the crying accomplishes nothing (for me.), The definition of all this was what someone said, "one size does not fit all." I am a writer, I wrote one-half a page, but I put more on here each time I write. I went to say goodbye to my mom last night. A five day trial in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home. Sometimes she is very lucid. I had talked to the beautiful big moon/Billy. She said "you've been crying, it is hard." My sister had a comic book hero shirt on with about 10 or more pictures on it. After her lucid moment, she asked my sister if they were pictures of her children. I told her that the "redhead"Spiderman, was my son. She smiled.

I have to get me a laptop. This 10 inch Kindle with keyboard is a poor substitute for a computer. I hate to branch out and buy something big without Billy. But, he cannot help me make up my mind anymore. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

@Kay: Glad your family is safe. I hope our forum member and her son are both away from this. I cannot imagine the fear and horror of our forum members in these places that are now battle grounds.

I will admit to being an ambulance "chasing" mom. No, I do not actually chase them, but everyone knows to keep in touch with me. We all know I am not the only one though, hence the three cop cars and ambulance in front of my house at about 2:00am because I was listening to meditation, asleep with ear buds in my ears. So, my whole family hits the panic button if we cannot reach each other for certain lengths of time. We have people on this forum from all over the world. I had to make sure Janka was okay after the Russia plane crash. Now, this morning we wake up to Brussels under attack. I am an old southern woman and I worry about our Brussels connection. We have not heard from her in awhile. I have her email, but I will not attempt to get in touch. If anyone has heard from our Brussels conection, please let me know. Sometimes it is safer to be invisible in a small place. I miss those days when we would only have tornado drills in our schools. We were not afraid of gun weilding crazy people. Just natural disasters. We are all haunted by our grief, but I think grief takes a back seat when we have to worry about our family and natural disasters and now terrorists.

Gwen, I have a congenital tremor that gets worse the older I get. During this explosion of panic attacks that Billy's death brought on, I get help from Xanax. I do not abuse it. I never refill my medication ahead of time, that would be abuse and my insurance would turn it down. My dad was terminal. He knew it but would not take pain pills because they were addictive. I don't know how long I have to live, but I know my time will be shorter without the Xanax. My radiated colon rupture won't let me have many meds. but the Xanax calms it too. In my estimation, it is a wonder drug. So, I'm addicted. I cannot swim either. I had meditation on board, I floated on that moist cloud over the blue lagoon. I honestly was into it. Did I mention I cannot swim? I do go to meditation with ear buds on my Kindle going to sleep each night (after I had my Xanax).