Margm

@SCBA, that was said beautifully. We all have different reactions. Seeing our memories brings on such pain that I hide. But I don't want to avoid him, just the pain.

@JHCP: Getting rid of our guilt will be a lifelong chore, one I hate to carry. As Marty says, we have to forgive ourselves. Good luck with that. As much as we loved them, I do think they would forgive us. I know I must have a guilt gene mixed up with my insanity gene. Actually, that was one of Billy's chief gripes with me. He hated how I would worry and carry the guilt for everything that happened in any family strife. Now, if he is aware of my guilt, he would fuss at me. I guess I carry guilt at even weather changes. Who appointed me God? I am my own worse enemy. About 30 years ago I went to a psychiatrist who told me in our 15 minute visit "You have to learn to love yourself." He charged me somewhere around $125 for 15 minutes. I learned I loved my money more, so I did not go back to that one shrink.

Girls, I want to eliminate 2015, and October will be deleted forever. October was my favorite month, now my reality is only 11 months to a year. Billy's mesenteric arteries had to have stents. The last meal I fixed for him took him to the ER. I think Chief Joseph said something like I will fight no more. I will cook no more.

My high school friend married a distant cousin of mine. He has been gone for about 17 years now. She had to go out of state for a new granddaughters serious, life threatening surgery. Before she left, they had a terrible fuss. She went on, tried to call him, no answer. A relative went to their house and he had passed away overnight. A brain anomaly of some sort. By the time she got back home, he had already been cremated. She suffers the loss over and over still, a lifetime of regrets. My heart goes out to her and everyone of us too. We keep on keeping on, we can do nothing else. This is our life now. We reach for each lifeline thrown to us. We are expecting bad weather the next few days in the south. We have had such a mild winter. Coming down to Louisiana, riding down the country roads, daffodils covered some whole yards, pear trees and red buds and tulip trees blooming clouds of white, lavender, and yellows. Beautiful. I can still appreciate the beauty, but I shared it with my granddaughter, not Billy. Bittersweet.

Know this is the last place anyone of us wanted to come. Glad it is here. We share the pain, and any breakthroughs. A lot of good people from so many places. Pain of loss knows everyone. Keep posting.

Right now I am into biographies and autobiographies. Cannot concentrate too much on fiction. I am watching Grey's Anatomy on TV with my granddaughter more than anything. I'll go back to fiction when I can concentrate.

That is beautiful. I think of him trying to reach me and unable to, so he goes on off and is fly fishing all the time, and he does not hurt.

First off, you men on here, I do not mean to leave you out. But, this is Women's History Month, so perhaps we honor the ones you all lost. And, the word "lost" is loosely used. We have to hold them all in our heart, and I know, above and with all, holding in our heart is such a poor substitute for the worth of our mates. We want what we cannot have. “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” – Mother Teresa I think sometimes God laughs at me and sometimes he wants to know what I am going to screw up next. I never fail him. March is Woman's History month. You all know my maternal grandmother was a writer and a survivor. My paternal grandmother was a survivor and lived into her 90's. My paternal aunt lived to her 90's, most of my maternal aunts had long lives and outlived all their husbands. I never considered their grief. I do now, but since my mother is the "Last of the Mohicans," at nearly 95, and her grief was mostly anger at my dad leaving her, I cannot really talk to her about it. At her age, in her Alzheimer's mind she has been married three to five times. She says matter-of-factly, "They were all healthy when I married them, but they died anyhow." My Daddy Wise used to quote "beware the Ides of March." And, he did pass away in the middle of March. So beware peeps. I have to get off here, a long drive ahead and still have not packed.

We had our retirement arranged 18 years ago. We would get the same amount whoever left first. It took about six weeks to get his retirement check deposited. I was not hurting for money. I needed a new purse. I hate buying purses and usually get them at the thrift store for $1 or less. One lasted me years. My daughter had bought me the last one and it was frayed so bad. I went to J.C. Penney's and I spent $70 on a new purse. I felt so frivolous using money that was his that I cried in front of the shop girl that I paid for it. I often wonder what he would have done. I know he would not hide in an apartment anywhere. He was a "mountain man" from the get-go, living in flatland's in Louisiana all our life. I hope, I really hope and I want to believe there is a heaven where he can climb the shiny mountains and fish all the creeks, bayous, streams, rivers. But, like the dragonfly in the children's story, he cannot come tell me. I could be a mountain man too when I was with him. Alas, without him I am a flatlander. My friend who married three days before us and her husband, Billy's childhood friend, well her husband passed away about 2001. She has been remarried 11-12 years. She told me now I could "find myself." All I want to do is "hide myself."

@Kevin. I was the high risk part of our duo also. Before my cousin passed away he told me that hospice had told him to go upstairs to his bed and die. I doubt they put it in those words. He said "I'm not ready to go yet." But eventually, he did go. Maybe not with their time frame. His daughter has fought a brain tumor for years and years, but now the fight is almost over. His young son-in-law passed away last week from melanoma. He was in his early 40s.. His dad had fought cancer twice in two different places, two different cancers. When I was transcribing all the hospital records, one woman had fought five different cancers. To some much is given, to others, too much is given and taken away. Good luck with your foray into the real world. You are brave. I think Billy was prepared for my demise, I was not prepared for his. And, I would not let him face it in my presence. We were going to have another miracle. Headed back to Louisiana this morning.

No, I did not feel him in that box. Of course it is sealed. I prefer to think of him like the writings of the woman that wrote of water bugs and dragonflies. I know it is a child's tale, but sometimes I have a child's mind, and sometimes I miss the child's mind that was replaced with the reality one. People tell me to watch such and such movie. I say no, it is too sad. They say, well it is reality. I say I live reality and prefer fairy tales and fiction. You cannot hide from reality. I like to hide/avoid/disappear/stay off the radar.

True story: When we got Billy's brother's ashes back (he had donated his body to medical school), I was afraid to have them in the house so I made Billy keep them behind the seat in the truck. We laughed that his brother would like riding in the truck everywhere. Finally brought them inside and I quit being paranoid about them. Now, when I go off for a few days I have to take Billy's big wooden urn (heavy), but we cannot leave his brother at home so I take them with me to ride with Billy. My friend takes her husbands to all family gatherings. In my new apartment, I will have them in a glass bookcase along with the little things he loved. Well, I started this thread, so my insanity comes from way back in time genes. Just me.

@Karen, and all those who have lost children, grown and younger, you have such an extra load to bear. My heart goes out to you all. Billy would have carried my urn in the RV with him, just like I was supposed to do with him. We kept pendants also, but none of us can wear them. Mine will hang next to his beautiful wooden urn. I know they tell us to wait a year for things because our minds change so often. I was going to get the RV and leave, but I cannot do what we planned to do together.......alone. I never felt old as long as Billy was with me and now I feel like I am 150 years old, at least. Sometimes I get angry and shake my fist at the heavens and tell him "you said the one left must stay, well dammit I am staying, but I don't want to." I'm with my granddaughter and my son and his girlfriend, I am doing okay despite my bitching.

Just as an aside, I just finished reading My Mother Was Nuts, by Penny Marshall (Laverne, of Laverne and Shirley). I hope you all remember her. Her mom and dad did not get along at all. Her mom passed away and Penny took her ashes up on the 17th floor of maybe Lorne Michael's office, I think maybe in Brooklyn, and scattered them out the window. When her dad passed, she did the same thing. She is a funny woman and I loved reading about her growing up in Brooklyn. Your grandparents lived with you too. Her grandparents did not like each other either, so grandfather moved across the hall with a couple of ladies over there. Life can really get crazy.

My uncle called and graciously offered me two burial plots in our family cemetery. He is in his 80s now and really was rather silent (bless his heart, I know he was shocked) when I told him what I had done. I appreciated his offer. I will have a memorial stone for Billy and myself, and my kids know when I go to have an urn to mix our ashes. Then they can bury the urn at the base of the memorial stone I will have placed in his family's cemetery.. We also have his brother's ashes. Billy had a little sister who was buried in a cemetery out in the country. Billy never knew her. She was to start her first day of school but passed away with one of the diseases they had back in the 1930's. Billy's dad had wanted to be buried next to his little girl but my mother-in-law, even though she was from this area, she would not have it, so weakened by his cancer, Billy's dad gave in. They were never very happy together. All I remember is fussing. When she passed away, horror of horrors, they dug her grave at Billy's dad's feet, rather than next to him. A solemn time that we all went away laughing about. Billy's mother would have fought herself out of the grave to have been put at his feet.. They corrected it. I will have a memorial stone put next to ours and will have Billy's sister's name and his brother's name as brother and sister on the stone. His ashes will go there. I never knew the sister, of course, but I greatly admired and loved his brother. He really lived the life of taking lemons and making lemonade. My family's cemetery is beautiful, but Billy's family's cemetery is in his small town, and in his memory we will have our memorial stones there. I was a Mims a lot longer than I was a Haynes. By that time, neither Billy nor I will care, but our relatives have a place to visit, if they ever want to. One of my girlfriends from high school, so many years ago, she has her husband's, her mom's, her dad's and I think her sister's ashes. Times, they are a changing for some people.

Kay is so right, but the bad thing is, sometimes you can call the vultures by name, and you realize you have a vulture bloodline when all the time you thought you were a dove.

Thanks Terri. I feel for my sister too. I am selfish enough that right now I cannot take care of my mother. She (sister) is a "know it all" and that is because she really does know it all. But, she is not a grandstander. My daughter is though. But, that is because of her mental problems. Right now, my sister is the mother and she considers my mom the two-year-old child she never had. When my mom passes (and she probably will outlive all of us), I will feel the most guilt and my sister will feel the most grief. Then the problem will be taking care of my sister, so if I am still around, that will be me. She is as cantankerous as my dad was, so that will be a problem. We do what we can, and sometimes we do things we did not think we could do, and that is what we all do every day. Making it through one more day.

Another story: Yesterday when I was doing my running around in this small town, I was not struck by how much I hate the town. I don't hate the town. This is where Billy and I used to take short vacations because it was close to Louisiana. There are back roads/forest roads all around me and the Ouachita National Forest that Billy loved. Walking these roads with him and him taking pictures or using his calls to call up varmints, I will miss that. Mama told me a story one time (she did not approve of my gypsy life) about a family that drove up to a man sitting on the porch and asked him what was the town that he lived in like, they were thinking of moving there. He asked them how was the town they had just left. They told him it was full of judgmental people, gossips, sinners, and just overall bad people. He told them that the new town they were thinking of moving to was just like the one they had left. So, they moved on. Next, another car full of family came up. They said they had had to move because of a job change and how was this new town they were moving into. He asked the same question of them and they said that their church was full of wonderful people that had given them a going away party, the town told them how much they would be missed and they had hated to leave that town. The man told them that the new town was just like the one they had left. People would love and accept them and they would enjoy all the people and the whole town. I never moved or left a town because it was distasteful. I loved the places I lived. Billy was always with me though and I could have lived in a tent with him and would have been happy cooking over an outside fire. (We camped out often). But, he is not with me and I have to protect myself for myself, as soon as I quit digging this hole. I don't hate the town I am in really, Billy just left me alone in this state and I want to go back where we were. He still won't be with me, but we had beautiful memories (some nightmares too), but I feel him in our former home more than this one. Cannot afford to keep a big house up, and maybe even if I could afford it, and I probably could, it is as good excuse as any to leave. Like I said though, I won't make concrete plans, they seem to tickle the powers that be.

I think I am able to get away from the remarks that are insensitive, except with relatives, and two of my friends have said something, trying to help me, but they need to wait until I ask for help. Any of these insensitive people that attack all my "peeps" on this forum need to wait until we ask for help. My mom was the queen of comebacks, and so is my spitfire daughter. Myself, when someone says something untoward, I think I tend to take that shovel and dig that hole a little deeper, where they cannot see the top of my head, and then they cannot address their well meaning platitudes to me. Honestly though, I have not had to dig that deep. Mostly, I have been told to read my Bible. One told me to read Psalms starting at the beginning. I have honestly read the Bible when I could comprehend it. But now, I have a hard time comprehending People's magazine, and it has pictures. I do know in the Bible it says it is appointed to man once to die and after that the resurrection. I am sorry folks, sometimes I get John Donne, William Shakespeare, Bob Dylan, Woody Guthrie and quotes from the Bible mixed up. My sister usually catches my errors. Billy has not come to me in this house since I have been home.. My granddaughter and I watched a horror movie called Crimson Peaks last night and even after that I was not visited, even with words in a dream. I left his urn at my daughter's house with his brother's urn. Maybe he is angry with me for doing that. She watched basketball last night with the two sport fans though, and I know he liked it better than the horror movie. I will leave Monday morning. You would not believe all the doctor appointments my family has this next month. Counseling every Tuesday for my granddaughter, Endocrinology on the 21st, my daughter's colonoscopy and other tests after Easter, my daughter's partner (yep, significant other type of things) major surgery up here the first of April. April will be spent up here and my granddaughter (Billy's heart) will have to be away from me for a month. A long history of strife with this problem, remember my daughter has mental problems. Her partner.......well "she/he" has her own problems. Life gets complicated sometimes. Throw in an Alzheimer's mother and a sister who is super intelligent, but has no means of support, and I think I can find things to occupy me. I am headed to my own apartment away from this beef-vegetable soup existence as soon as I can. The last time I said "Lord willing and the creek don't rise" Billy passed away. I don't say that anymore. Some believe in God, some don't, but for myself, God thinks I am a comedian and tends to laugh at my plans. I hope everyone has as good a Sunday and next week as is possible. I know the people on Facebook miss my "word salads" that I make you all read now. Sorry. As an addendum, my favorite color is purple. Actually, I love red and purple mixed together in swirls. I was so surprised to come home to the most beautiful comforter with pillows of the colors of red and purple. Everyone says I bought it. I have no recollection. Life/death are strange partners that rob our memory. It was laying on my king size bed so pretty. A nice welcome..........I guess from myself.

Girls, I only babysit my mom when my sister has to go somewhere. She is on hospice care and someone needs to be with her. My sister has the caretaker role in this situation. My daughter stays with her about 20 hours a week when my sister has to teach. It will end in April. Education in Louisiana took a hit with the last governor. My sister is in the worse situation taking care of my mom.

@Terri: I went back and reread what your sister said to you. Honestly, my sister was not that bossy with me. Maybe Kay is right and until she can learn to respect your grief and not compare it to a job, maybe you can brush her off until she takes a hint. My sister is not married, so I know she does not understand, but she loved Billy like a brother, so she understands my loss, because she has been a part of his life since she was 10 years old, she misses him also. We never had brothers and sisters, just us, so she has lost a member of her family too. I have been lucky, my family, they stick by me, sometimes too close, but I am lucky to have them. .

Karen, sometimes I don't see anyone's problems but my own. And, we all, all of us on here have problems. Sometimes it seems like when Billy left he took a part of me that loves anything and everything. And we all have lost that part of ourselves. I have a lot of learning to do. I have to quit being so selfish. I think sometimes that is why I love to hide from the world. Remember, I am the one who wants to run to the middle of Texas in some motel and park my truck behind the motel or "people will find me." Yes, I am lonely, but so are we all. My heart is with you my friend.

@Terri, my sister practices philosophy on me. At first it bothered me. She wants me to go out and go to dinner, go visit with my friends who keep asking. (My sister is a hermit of her own desire). Finally, I just ignore her. I love her, but I am older than her and she has not lived her life to suit me. She never married, almost once, but could not do it. She used to be a social worker and now is a college teacher, but our worlds are so different. We have the same mom and dad. On that subject, today my sister went to vote back in our home state, where she lives. She was going to bring home oysters to my mom and crayfish to my daughter. My mom's "two year old" Alzheimer's brain remembered when her own dad would go to Shreveport from their little country community just to get oysters. A breakthrough memory. Anyhow, I really think our sisters are trying to help us, but they don't know how. How can they know how when they have not faced it, and how can they know how when we don't even know how to help ourselves. Let it roll off like water off a duck's back. We can choose our friends, but we cannot choose our relatives. And, I won't finish that thought.

They are beautiful. I wish I could see them up close and personal. I know you felt good giving them To Jan. If I had a bucket list of things I wanted to do before I leave this world, it would be to see all the beautiful flowers of each country. I would love to go to Australia, Russia (new and old), New Zealand, British Columbia, Iceland. My problem (besides money), is I don't want to fly (will not fly) and won't get on a big ship. If I cannot get there by RV, I cannot go. Enjoy your beautiful country. It all sounds wonderful.

@Kay: I'm sorry for your pup. I remember Billy buying dog food for his many dogs. He would look for the first ingredients and if it was corn, he would not buy it. I think corn has a terrible reaction to pets. Not just pets. Can you imagine withholding cornbread from a southerner. I can no longer have peas, beans, corn, peppers, onions, or cornbread. I used to read the blog of RVSue and her crew (pups). At one time she was feeding them nothing but raw meat from the market. When Billy left, there was no more RVing, so I quit reading her blog. Traveling with two dogs fulltime in a small trailer, she had to feed them things that kept them on a regular schedule of stops and starts. I feel for your pup, I too have colitis/ruptured colon, and it is no fun. I cannot complain, at least about my diet. I can find lots of other stuff to complain about..........and do.