Margm

Definitely not one size fits all. We look for peace where we can find it. Some find it with faith. Our own personal journey. Myself, faith fits me, I just am not open to it yet, but I wish to God I was. I think one thing is true, we all wish for peace that passes all understanding, and if you have it, I am so proud of you, I am in envy of you, but I do not begrudge you that peace. I want it too. If I live long enough, I will have it and it will be my size.

My credit union, long, lifelong, told me I had one year from time of death, so I changed to a local, many state offices, one. The old one had offices in the southern part of the state. But, somehow, other credit unions honor accounts of others. That is why I could go to a credit union in Arkansas and deposit in mine in south Louisiana. I don't like having anything without his name on it. But, my understanding was I had to. I get some consolation from seeing at the top of this page "Billy's 5th Kindle"

Oh Janka, you "hit the nail on the head." You now know the meaning of that. You are so right my young friend. If I had my faith back, my feelings would be so much more understandable, and I would be able to handle them better. I so appreciate your faith and for years I had it. I want it back, and I sure need prayer. Yes, I do believe in prayers, and one of these days, and I hope I live long enough to get my faith back, I want my prayers to go further than the ceiling. I have a hunting expedition to go on, and I have a screwed up brain to unscramble. I think the "work" will be worth it. Love you my sweet friend.

Billy was never "Mr. Fix-it," but if he put his mind to it, he could do it. His folks always rented, so he never had to fix anything. In his small town they did not have the sanitation laws they have now, so his chief project was replacing his folk's old toilet with a newly built two seater. I did not understand square holes, so he put commode tops on. Our oval steps in front of the house wore down to dangerous things. Finally he poured concrete into an oval stairway. I promised I would paint them. I haven't, but I will. His fixing anything had to be a last minute save. He hated owning a house. He would and could work on RV's and he always could do all the working/fixing of computers. I was so glad when our daughter married a combination "Mr. Fix-it." And, after all his disasterous results, I was even happier when she got rid of him. We had good times and the memories far outweighed the bad. Sometimes when the hurt gets too bad, instead of the good times, I remember the bad things as a cover for the pain. I wonder, if I had gone first, like we both thought I would, would he cover his hurt with the things I did and said to cover up the unbearable pain. Then I remember my mom and my friend. They covered their hurt with anger at their mate for leaving, even though they knew they did not do it on purpose. I guess anger sometimes provides a lidocaine soaked bandage to cover a wound that will never heal.

Billy loved Kenny G

I hate my new checking account, it seems so naked and alone. I have not closed. my old one. It's not like he is going to be writing a check. I have a year, 8 more months

Well, I don't know if anyone read mine above, and girls, I cried before I left my daughter's house. I have not been around many/if any of our friends for four months. The last time I had been to this funeral home was my mother-in-law's funeral in the 1970's. It was visitation for the brother of our good friends, and who we have not been in touch with since before all our kids graduated. These were Billy's childhood friends and my good friends also. I had to ask for Bettie, and she said "Im right here Margaret" and the years fell away. I talked to Billy all the way to the funeral home and told him he had to help me. I was so calm. I know this was not much, but it was a giant step for me. One of my other friends has been after me to meet her somewhere, so I called her up and made plans. My sister was so proud of me. And, I faced signing something without Billy. So, I put him in parenthesis (Billy) between my first and last name. I don't have to leave him out anymore.

I am back in my home parish. One of Billy's and mine long ago friends, her brother passed away. He was a colleague of Billy's, his sister was a childhood girlfriend of Billy's. She married one of Billy's friends, all hometown people. I have talked to three of them this morning. We were all friends when we were first married and only drifted apart when we all moved on to other places. I am contemplating going to visitation. They only found out about Billy when I told them. They grew up with him. I am going to try to go. Part of me wants to, part of me needs Billy to go with me. So this stress messes with my illness and I might let it intrude. At an impasse.

Janka, I envy your unshakable belief in God. I do not understand the priest, your mother and your brother. You are beautiful and you surround yourself with beauty. This morning I had to go to my mom's out in the country. I was by myself. I started thinking about the fact we never faced his death together. I would tell him each night that he knew I could not live without him and all he would say was "I know." I missed discussing plans with him. My plan, my only plan was his recovery. I never would accept anything else. And when he held his beautiful hands out to me in surrender, I got angry. He left me within minutes later. I was asleep and should have held him. He loved me to hold him. So sometimes people say and do mean things when they don't mean to. We were to have months. We had weeks. Some people have less. We had so much time together and we could be alone together and never be bored, even without talking. So, this morning I remembered him saying that he was me and I was him. How can I be alone, we are each other. Maybe that is why I feel so sad, I cannot find me. I look for some sign. I used to have a magical imagination. Billy did not believe in magic or the supernatural. Maybe us being one, he took the magic with him and I am left with his unbelief of the supernatural.. He did take the magic when he left. No matter how long we have together, forever is not long enough.

We lived in our 5th wheels for six years traveling around to various RV parks in the area. We were still working for five of those years. We went on vacations, but only got to travel long distances for one year. We loved the lifestyle so much and loved living compact. One night the manager of one of the parks had me walk with her and we became peeping Tom's. All the lights were on in the big Class A. It was beautiful. But, I did like my smaller 5th wheel the best. In fact, I liked our first 19 foot 5th wheel better than the bigger ones. Those were happy times.

Did any of you see the coach from Oklahoma give his address at his wife's funeral? I watched it and my heart is too frozen to comprehend the faith that man demonstrated. I admire him and I am so selfish that I envy his faith. I used to have it. I used to be so thankful to be alive that I could and did praise God. Now my heart is so frozen that his speech did not even melt a small part. How selfish am I? That man was so faithful to his faith that he forgave the driver that killed his wife. He is left alone to raise five young children. Billy was my husband for a long time, but some of you have lost children too. I am such a selfish hard person. I am afraid to be mobile and this man has such faith, and I am jealous. Well, I think I got totally off subject. I was in awe and picked the wrong place to put it. I was envious of the peace this man seemed to have. In reality though, of course, he is in pain too, just in a numbed public place. I think about this sometimes, about all the families that lose someone, not from diseases, from terrorist acts, and they suffer just like we do. We all suffer and there is no weight or skale, no tape measure to gauge the depths. One good day, one bad day. All bad days. I just wish moments of peace.

If you have a physician you trust, you are doing good. I had a wonderful surgeon that saved my life. He was always mean sounding to all his patients. They finally sent him for anger management. I loved him, but he told Billy on one of my visits that he was not a huggable person. And, when he patched me up, he was through with me. He told me I scared him. I understood. Still he bought me two more years. Not sure right now if that makes me happy. If you can find that medical caretaker you trust, hang on to them.

We all handle our grief differently. Somehow though, it is really all the same. Thanksgiving and Christmas I don't even remember. I gave presents, unwrapped, no cards, given at times before the date. Our neighbor and Billy's friend died on Christmas day. Things will never be the same for any of us. My heart goes out to you today. My friend finds solace on dates in going to her husband's grave and she and the grandchildren and children send balloons up "to heaven" with messages. She has been doing this for 7-8 years. I know one thing, I will never give a card on any occasion again without signing both our names. His money went into buying a gift and always will. Somehow, just seeing his name on things makes me feel less alone. My friend sat in front of her husband's chair and had a long discussion with him. She told him exactly how some things made her angry and then all the good things he had done. I took Billy's hats and drove to the "big city" and I went over our long marriage. I went over the good and the bad. It took the whole 80+ miles of talking to him to cover our marriage. It made me feel so much better that I tried taking those three hats with me the next time. Intead, I cried so much the 80+ miles I could not take them with me again. I had said all I wanted to say. Now I talk to him anytime I am by myself, which is very seldom. My heart is with you today.

Brat, we had the RVer's mentality. We were working to get the house ready to put on the market, so neither of us were tied to a house. The only house I cried leaving was a Holiday Rambler 5th wheel. That was sold so we could "homestead" in a stix and brix. Family responsibilities. Always hated houses. I will have an apartment because it is compact and someone else is responsible for repairs. My mom, on the other hand is a homesteader and her house is her castle.. We are all different. The only thing our last house means to me is that it is in the state he left me in. If he had been a homesteader, I would stay there. Right now it is just a reminder of how much he hated doing repairs and how bad he wanted to RV again. We will have had the RV for a year in March. We even lived in it when the many family members came to stay. Billy wanted our son to have it, so he does. But, it is my responsibility to get rid of the house. It is not home.

I took Prozac from the first time it came on the market. I even picked at reading "Prozac Nation." People made jokes about it being a "happy pill." There was no "happy." It was not a high that came with a biphetamine. Getting off a medicine you have spent nearly a lifetime on will cause withdrawal. Don't go "cold turkey" off anything you have been on for a long time. If you can find a doctor you trust, stay with him. Medical care is so expensive. I know lack of care hastened Billy's death. If I had called an ambulance, he would have been seen fast. I fussed at him for calling an ambulance for me, (I had lost consciousness). It saved my life so I could lose his later. Hindsight is 20/20. When I was a little girl we had general practitioners. Dr. Garret delivered me and then I went to Dr. Gray all my life until a while after I was married. When I fought that ether mask before a tonsillectomy at age seven,, he spanked me to calm me down. We don't have Marcus Welby or Doc Adams anymore. . I don't have Obamacare, I have Medicare and Blue Cross for years and years. Medical care is still a crap shoot. I am not exaggerating, many admissions had 25 medications. The most that I typed was 36. Also, people in our small town are known to treat themselves with antibiotics bought from a farm store. How do you measure your weight to that of a chicken?

Brat, I have not been in our bed in weeks. I am still at my daughter's house. It makes it hard to go back, but I will. Don't laugh, Billy had a lot of pants. He would only wear one pair and they just finally fell apart. Well, he had an identical pair of pants that he then wore ragged. I sleep with those pants rolled up with his pillow. I guess that is pitiful, but my friend Hettie sleeps with her husband's Sunday shirt.

Kay, I think they go by how much you make as to the cost of Medicare, I think some migt be free, my sisters will have to be close to free. I know they work with you.

Brat, when you are only given 2-3 days to grieve, I cannot see how people on our forum make it. I admire their courage. And, as an addendum, I still am not ready to face him not coming back. I yell at him when I can find time alone, and I know it was not his choice. I told one of my widow friends (only 10 months longer than me) that I turn to him when I sleep in our bed and I tell myself (and him) that I know he is gone and is not coming back. She fussed at me and told me never to do that again. Turn to his side and say you are always with me, and I carry you in my heart forever. I did find more peace doing this.

Brat, I was working in my home, probably 8 or more years. I already had retirement from one hospital, so I quit this local hospital. I did not want to work from home, I liked going into the hospital, so they let me retire from this hospital too, and I went to work for a friend that owned her own transcription service out of Albuquerque. I found I was paying so much in taxes that after five years I just quit. Transcription had turned into being editors. I was blessed with a job I loved, but it was no longer any fun and I do not miss it. I don't know how I could handle it like all of you who put up with the grief and have to make it each day in a job. There are two sides to each coin though. Some will find the distraction of a job a blessing. Some will find it a millstone hanging from your neck. I worked with a bunch of loving women over the 43 years and I am still friends with many of them. Some have already made this journey and I am blessed with empathy and no catty, mean people. But I realize there are some jobs that are bad with bad people. My heart goes out to each of you who have the grief with a terrible job.

I thought we had to have it. I went two years not getting Billy's until I got mine. I thought I was saving the government money. They penalized me 10% for each year.

Janka, I think with your education, you would make a very caring teacher.

I remember reading about a pregnant Canada woman going on vacation to Hawaii. She went into early labor and had a hospital bill of over a million dollars. I know some of our RV club's members go to Mexico for health care and dental work. There is a joke going around Facebook about a wall being built. (I think it was a joke making fun of Trump's building a wall on the border of Mexico) and trying to keep Americans from trying to flee the USA if Trump is elected. It was always Billy and my wish to visit British Columbia. Hey my granddaughter's idol is Ryan Reynolds. You all live in a wonderland. I guess I will do without seeing the northern lights. Know I am terribly off subject, sorry folks.

Kevin, am I reading this correct? I am totally ignorant of Canada's health care. I complain about them making us have Medicare, but in Canada, do you have to pay because a person is older?

Janka, I love your search for the meaning to our phrases. We take our language for granted.

Brat, I do not know where I would be without this forum. Each day brings a new pain, fear, panic and numbness. And we get our help knowing we are not alone with these feelings. So, actually we are not alone, even as far away as other continents, there are others who suffer too. Other states, other climates, we all feel the same pain. All this has been going on forever. My aunt who had no children, loved her nephews and nieces as her own. So much love, then lost her husband of between 55-60 years. She is gone now too. Where was my empathy? My grandmother writing her life story saying she missed my grandfather at 18 years just as much as the first day did not offer me any encouragement. We do get help from the different people on here of what to expect. Some days I drown myself in self pity, but we share on this forum.