Margm

Janka, I was curious about your health care in Slovakia. I think it sounds good. Your insurance sounds excellent. I hope for relief from your pains soon. I know your flowers were pretty and Jan loved them too.

Kevin, I wondered about the free medical care in Canada. We, of course have our Medicare as our main insurance, (if we are over 65) and we pay over $100 a month for that. Our group insurance takes up then, but we pay the first $300, then 20%. I am not sure how much I pay, but it is from being employed and retiring from the state. After seeing how expensive Obamacare is, I cannot complain. Still, the majority of physicians we have used and that I worked for have forgotten "first do no harm." Insurance and drug companies have cheated patients and good doctors. Too bad we don't have more doctors like Doc Adams of Gunsmoke times. We seldom see real doc's, but we see physician's assistants and nurse practitioners. After working with the staff phsicians when Billy was so sick, I actually am satisfied with PA's. In our RV club, I had read that the free care in Canada was a long time wait for elective surgery, sometimes years. I know consults can take months here in US.

TH, it is like I say, no matter where I go, there I am.

Oh, I can gripe (so can my belly), TMI, but it is something I am used to. None of us like to go it alone. Does not matter if we are in a house full of relatives or a stadium of people, we are all alone at this time. I look forward to better times, but some things will never change. We just have to do the best we can with what we don't have anymore. I think Kevin told us to take care of ourselves. And we have to, even though giving up would be easier.........for us.

Girls. I have beat to death my cancer treatment and eventual colon rupture with whole body sepsis. They did a patch up job on me that is holding very precariously. I won't go into the "plumbing" problems. They can do nothing more for me. Of course, the low grade fever, headaches, and stomach problems aggravate the crap out of me. No pun intended. My diet, the only one I can eat, is unhealthy. I suffer terribly if I get off of it. So, I don't get off of it. I know my mode of exercise cannot take me far from my bathroom. The mood I get is "why bother." Following Billy sometimes seems my only option. Time might be short, but sometimes quotes rain down on me. I get platitudes from well meaning people. That is when our memory partial loss comes in handy. I don't know how long I have, but the partial quote of "miles to go before I sleep" is the only one my grief mangled brain remembers.

Wow Janka, the different languages you know. I have to tell those people that work for the USA companies, "you are going to have to understand, you are talking to a deep southern speaking, red neck great grandmother," and that is a whole nuther language. I admire your grasp of the English language. Excellent education.

Janka, I wish for you peace, no pain, and lots of happiness. I hope medical services are better in Slovakia than in the USA.

Janka, I am not googling this, but to me it means "yes, you are right." Or, "that is right on topic." Girl, I was brought up by a mama who spoke in riddles and fairy tales. She used to tell me (and maybe it came from "the Bard"), but would say "men have died and worms have eaten them, but not for love." Right now I feel like I could prove her wrong.

Janka, I feel like I know you, you have a beautiful spirit and you brighten up our space. When I get to my home computer, I am going to Google Slovakia and visit your country. Until then, I hope your health improves a lot. We love you.

Girls, wish we could all take a virtual road trip. Alas, you all know what happened to me. Ear buds in ears, listening to music that was supposed to relax me, at home by myself, between 1:00 am and 2:00 am, three police cars -, lights all flashing, plus an ambulance. I cannot disappear. I have to be able to communicate or they (family) will call out the national guard. I have to give them points though, this was my fault for mentioning falling. I was happy I was not hurt, but they could not get me on the phone. If I fall again, if I am able, will only let them know if I am hurt and in the hospital. I cannot blame them for caring. I have a lot of girlfriends, mostly widows, most I graduated high school with over half a century ago, and a lot I have worked with over 43 years. Plus, my widow neighbor who really saved my life, made me see that we can juggle family, finances and even my moving off and leaving her, which will be hardest.on both of us. I have one friend with a number of health difficulties and might have to go to assisted living. I know I need to get out. My sister posted something, not directly to me, but it had to do with saying how people should act when they are in "hot water". I think Eleanor Roosevelt said something about women being like tea bags, you know their strength when they are in hot water. I think I picked Texas because it is so big and you could get lost in a small town in the middle of it. I won't do it though, I think they still have Texas Rangers and I would get found. Then I would have to convince people I was sane. I might not pass that test. But wish we could all get together, Janka from Slovakia, Debi from Brussels ( absent lately) our girls from England and everywhere. If I was rich I would bring you all together. I honestly think we might make a night without crying. I hope you all feel better, and I hope we all find some peace.

Well Marty, I have been unable to cry, I just did, but I still wish I was crying in that Texas motel. Of course, it probably has bedbugs. Your right, of course

It is like I have lost feeling. There is a psychiatric disorder signified by a book called "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me." I know about this book because of family members. Sometimes I think we overthink things. My grandmother wrote about characters in her long life. Back then they were not given psychiatric diagnoses. Sometimes they were shut away, sometimes abandoned. I don't know what this stage is, but I have the wild desire to drive to a small town in Texas (don't know why Texas) but just to run away and live in a cheap motel. So many family problems and I look back now and remember that Billy and I both gave our lives to all these people, now I just want to run. My sister fired the hospice place, now has to find another. It turns out that is none of my business, so, I am good with that. That is the stage I cannot understand, the "don't bother me, I don't care" stage. I lack feelings.

(In my opinion) if you want to be seen in the ER, call an ambulance. Near death in March of 2014, my life was saved because Billy called for an ambulance. I was unconscious or I would not have let him call one. I was seen emergently. He was dying, (I did not know) but walked to the truck. It was daylight when.we arrived in the ER.. I kept going to the desk and told them he was comatose. He was brought to hospital room between 4:00 am and 5:00 am. He was gone by 7:30 am. If I had only brought him by ambulance. He took five weeks from time of diagnosis. Our oncologist had said early in the treatment "shoulda, woulda, coulda" I hate those words. I might have kept him longer, but at what cost to him? I miss him but it did not take enough time to allow him to suffer for years. I didnot want him to go.........ever.

Karen, I can always tell when my BP goes up with a headache. Billy didn't believe me, but proved it to him. I go back and read the junk I have written, but we do have to take care of ourselves. I guess that is a giant step we have to take, even if we are really wanting to give up. Drink plenty of water (unless you live in Flint). It sounds to me you are taking positive steps. I am proud of you.

I don't think of it like most people, I look on it as losing my heart, losing an appendage such as both legs or both arms. Myself, I lost my heart and my backbone. I have to learn to adapt to a life that I will have to learn to walk, breath, and adjust just to make what time I have left livable. I also have to fight lions, tigers and bears, alone, oh my.

I was very confused, (I still am confused) with my anger with God. I was given a booklet written by Barbara Karnes, RN, an award winning hospice nurse, and nationally prominent speaker on the dynamics of dying. (I had never heard of her.) This woman hit the nail on the head though. You see, when my dad would whip me, he would hurt me. Not just my feelings, my physical body. He would put fear in me that he wanted to say was respect. In my missionary Baptist church we were taught to fear the wrath of God. To me, he was a punishing Father. Jesus was love and forgiveness. So, when Billy left me so fast, my only point of any solace was that he didn't hurt for a long period of time. In the booklet "My Friend, I Care," Karnes says "What kind of person would be angry with God? Yet that is exactly what happens. Death makes us angry and it questions our faith." I think religion is a taboo subject. Yet, here it is. Suffice to say, I have not found the return of my faith. It is running beneath the surface somewhere. My one attempt to talk to a pastor, searching outside my downtrodden Baptist faith was an appointment with a different church pastor. His phone was on another surface away from his hands, but everytime his text message went off, his attention was on his phone. No faith found in this foray. Some people do not want religion, but I need my faith to help me get through these hard times. I cannot say it is going to jump on my head. It is going to take work on my part. I want it, but I am so tired.

Kevin, that is why I don't watch realty shows. My life is a Louisiana redneck real life, full blown drama. Billy has some of the duck calls before the old duck commander got famous spouting the Bible. But, we have not done any alligator hunting, although we could hear them when we lived on Lake Bistineau. Of course, that is another show, but in my life I cannot rule anything out.

Sorry Kaye, sometimes I just like to bitch and feel sorry for myself. I guess Billy was my backbone. I don't know how to handle things. Will do my best.

I cannot be in my house right now. My granddaughter and her family, on the move from West Coast to East Coast are in a war with each other. A small child watches cartoons. Two dogs were moved in also. They have to have a place to stay until their childish sakes can come together and leave. Now in this house I am staying in, I am very welcome. I pay my own way, but they want/need me here. I had to mediate a warring faction between two partners that have been together seven years. They asked for the mediation. I gave it and they are back in togetherness. My son is with a woman/small child mind, and they are warring all the time. Thy have been together 10 years. Folks, I have to tell them (after a Xanax) that if a relationship is to last they have to meet on common ground. They all want my "wisdom" and the only thing I can honestly tell them, is that if Billy and I had not been forced to handle our own problems, we would not have made it 54 years. All this discord makes me want to go somewhere way off by myself. I finally told these people that the fight is not over until it is etched in stone or written on a wooden urn. I am here because our granddaughter has some health and emotional problems that she wants me here for. She was adopted and her bio mother was on all the street drugs. No doubt some of her problems started in utero. She is one of the sweetest, loving children that was ever born into this family. The warring factions cause her to come in as an afterthought. I take her to her doctor appointments. I cannot leave yet. If I had gone first, Billy would have put this child first. My life, as short as it might be, (my mom is going to be 95 in June,)which might be torture for me. Being the eldest sibling, I know my responsibilities, but right now my limitations, well, I know them also. I start with a grief group this month, but I doubt it will help more than all the people on here. I thank you. And for all you people who think being alone is the pitts, listen to me, it would be so nice to have a happy medium.

I quit counting weeks, but I will always count the #17 as my most unlucky number ever. All of our remembered dates hound our memories. I doubt I will be allowed many more, but I just wish we were only allowed memories that were happy. You have to know, after 54 years I should only remember happy. I want those memories to come to the front of the brain, not play out the five weeks of horror. They were only five short weeks, come on happy, I am ready. Somehow, only "alone" broadcasts.

I have a tremor, supposedly congenital, as my dad, grandma and aunt had it also. I am "damaged" and cannot take many medicines. One doc told me that I scared him, but he patched me up when everyone thought I was hopeless. Could be running into parkinsonism. My other living aunt has beginning Parkinson's disease. My grandfather died at 56 with it back in the 1950's. It was never felt to be inherited. (I had worked in neurology at the university hospital) I retired in 1997, the year they found out it might be inherited. Xanax calms the tremor for now. And, takes care of the anxiety/fears. My dad had prostate cancer and suffered for four years. He knew it was terminal, but he did not want to get addicted to pain killers, so he would hurt a lot. They flooded his IV's with them during his numerous hospitalizations. I know how to coast off the Xanax. I doubt if I ever will again though. You can safely get off of it, but I would not advise it without help from a doc. You do not have the cravings like with nicotine. And, I don't smoke. One family member got off alcohol with the help of AA. She cannot get off the nicotine though. Billy dipped so much snuff for so long, and I just wonder what, if any, part that played in his cancer. My first published article in the medical journals back in the 1980's (I just typed it and submitted it) was a study done on smokeless tobacco by one of our residents, and its part in causing kidney cancer. Looks like something is gonna get us no matter what we do. Billy's last written grocery list was health foods, written about five weeks before his passing..

Gwen, I am so sorry for the added stress. My cancer was a double kind. It was adeno and squamous cell headed toward each other. My missionary Baptist faith decided it was proper punishment for my "crimes." Well, it allowed me to live for 32-33 years with only the cloud of "punishment." Then, after all the radiation, I am an untouchable for any treatment. So, I tip-toe gingerly to the bathroom numerous times with the only medication being MiraLax and my wonder drug Xanax. It is serious, I have to watch my temperature often for getting septic. They will just do a cutdown and shoot me full of antibiotics. The one good thing about all of this is they cannot do colonoscopies and no more pelvic's. GYN doc told me they could do a D&C but if anything was found, they could not fix it. Insides too friable to take a stitch. So, why go back for something I dreaded each year. Even downsides do have upsides. No pun intended. I know this is ridiculous, I just don't want to get "down" in Arkansas. I can still move, walk long lengths (as long as a bathroom is close at "hand.") I wonder though, not sure which is the most impaired, my mind or my body. Will just keep on keeping on. I wish you luck my friend, because "the one left must stay." I understand why they say the spouse sometimes passes away that first year. Our immune systems are down, and our will to live is down also. Fight hard my friend, and so will I.

Mine and ALL the ones we have saved together, and those he saved will all be put in one of the plastic buckets along with 54 years, and longer of pictures and will not be looked at, may never be looked at, (by me) depends on how long I live. I cannot look at his pictures yet. We all handle things differently. On the 17th it will only be four months. I hope to be able to look at his pictures. I sure miss that boy.

When I was emptying Billy's chest of drawers, I found all the cards he had saved. One of these days I will look at them. Not yet.

A red bird for Valentine's, could not have been more appropriate. I know how you felt. I yelled at Billy yesterday, I just was so frustrated, and I should have signed his name to the cards, I would have felt better and if there is any way he could have seen, he would have liked it too. After all, part of his money went to buy them. People may look at me crazy, but what's new. He never liked for me to call our money, my money. Sometimes I would slip and call something mine, he would correct me. It was "our's." So, from now on, his name will be included.