Margm

I did not anticipate the downer that hit me when I bought the five cards today. I did not even think what a horrible feeling that would just knock me down. I just should have signed Billy's name too. And then I saw the cards for the husbands. We never made a big deal of it, after 54 years, it just "was." I do have to tell you a funny thing though. When we were dating, his sister picked out the card and candy. It was funny because he brought in the heart shaped box of candy. We had been only dating two months that first Valentine's Day. He was angry because another boy had sent through the mail a humongous satin covered heart.box of candy. We never were much about celebrating though. It was always quiet and peaceful. Now it is just quiet.

From me too. A person in grief can feel lonely around a million people. A home was a home, anywhere, in a tent, in the RV parked at a rest stop on an interstate highway, in a big house or in a small studio apartment as long as our mate was with us. When we lose them, then no place is "home" and we are so alone. I wish peace for you and help with your health. I think we all feel unhealthy without our focus mate/help/partner. Our immune system is down and if we already have a health problem, there seems no solution. I know we all want peace and health for all of us. We all are so lonely no matter where we are, or who is with us. We have actually lost our will to live. I hate feelig defeated. But I do feel that.

We put all our time and effort into our family.. There was a song that was made popular in the movie/play "West Side Story" (and I am going from memory,) called something like "A Time For Us," and many singers have covered this. We tried to have this "time for us" after we retired. Unfortunately, family could not deal with us having this time. Choosing to get off the road helped save our son's life and aided in the raising of our grandchild. We thought the time had come again. We never got the new RV off the pavement on the side of our house. So many tragedies on this forum. My cousin and I once, years ago, compared the deaths of our fathers. Her father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. My father suffered four long years with prostate cancer. She said that at least we got to say goodbye. Billy's father suffered long and hard. Billy was gone in a few short weeks from time of diagnosis. I expected a miracle, at least more time. What can I say? So many of us did not pass the milestones Billy and I had. I do not have to look for a job, so that is one milestone. Billy and I were both enablers, and our enabling our family to depend on us has filtered down to all of them depending on me, Even now, I cannot get on with this life, I have people moved into the RV and house. April is the moveout month. Then, there is my mom and sister who will face horrible consequences if either pass away. As the oldest sibling, what do I do? When I had cancer and was sent right away to the Houston cancer hospital, when I would be so afraid of dying, Billy told me if I died, I would not suffer the pain and worry anymore, and the one left would be left with the worry and suffering. I think he was a prophet. Social service came out to see my mom yesterday and told me a grief group would begin meeting this month. This was not offered in the small mountain town that our house is situated. I am not looking forward to it, but I will take this step. I am not looking for solutions to all these problems, Right now, I am not sure what to do about anything. I just know I have to keep on keeping on. At least for this moment in time. I don't have my strength, he is gone. As has been said before, it is what it is.

After 43 years of knowing medical secrets, why am I not surprised at Billy "falling through the cracks"? I'm not surprised at anything pharmaceutical or medical.

Well, I guess that is one thing we all feel, we feel that we let our mate down. I have to get the last moments out of my. head or grief will certainly turn into a certifiable mental breakdown. His telling me "the one that is left must stay" feels like a life sentence in solitary confinement.

Some days it feels like I am in the middle of the ocean, just treading water, no land in sight. I get in a panic in water, I cannot swim. That was a big thing to Billy. He loved to swim. Last night I dreamed I could turn over and touch him, then I remembered. I just went back to sleep. Fifty-four years is a long time. I know how lucky I am/was. Sometimes I just do not feel lucky. If I move on, I will displace people, so I will keep treading water until I can't.

Happy Birthday Marty. Thank you for all the help you give us.

At my age I hate to say this, but right now I cannot even be the kind of Mama, grandmother, or great grandmother that I used to be and I know they need me. I am here for them, but I cannot handle stress of fussing or being fussed at. I have talked this over with two of my widow friends, my daughter, my son, my sister and they all agree I need to protect myself right now. I have not hit the 4 month mark, but it is just like I have my skin stripped off and there are just raw nerves exposed. I have lost my "mighty protector". The other night when I was at my worse, people were fussing and I took 2 Xanax to sleep, I heard Billy's voice saying "It's enough." I woke myself up saying "okay." So right now I am going to protect myself from turmoil or stress. Grief is not a mental illness. I have had chronic depression as far back as I can remember, and right now I do have to protect my sanity. We are all different. Some have suggested a dog or cat. Understand, my life for 54 years has been heavy responsibilty of small, teen, middle aged and grandchildren. I am so lucky I have family and friends that understand I need "me" time. I am not being mean, but sometimes I feel I am one door away from the looney farm. I think everyone close to me understands me and I am so lucky they let me be. I know how lucky I am but right now I am having trouble just handling myself. No kidding. I will get better.

@Kay and HH: No kidding

@Kay. Definitely a lot of marriages should not last. I don't think this one should. But, they are dislocated from the west coast, their home forever, moving to the east coast, probably not together. They know no one else around to help them. There is an up side to all this and a very low downside. My downside is that another family's things are being moved into this house. They have no where to go, I cannot kick them out. I was afraid of being alone. Let me tell you now, being alone because you want to be and being alone because you have to be are two different things. I am so lucky that I have a lot of family. But, sometimes when family moves in unasked, they bring their problems into a house that I am trying to get rid of. Cannot kick them out, will not kick them out, but I will have to leave again. This has to last till April, then maybe I can get on with my life. Billy's illness lasted five weeks, after diagnosis. Time to us older people is important. There is a difference in bringing in "help" and bringing in people that need "help." I know I should be strong and say find your own help. Right now, after only three months I am too vulnerable to do anything but run. So, as long as I can run, I will. And, we have people on here who have no one. I think I might be lucky because I have a lot of relatives. Probably missing something here, like maybe a backbone.

Heading back to Louisiana. Gonna give my house to family for awhile. All utilities paid and I hope they can all fix what is wrong with them. Either that or leave the problem behind. Some mental illness involved. Don't know if it can be fixed. I do know I cannot be around the fussing, so I will go back in hiding for a peaceful time. I act like I am going to live forever. Well, I will, my forever. I don't mind helping. I hope it does help. Just know some things I cannot be around.

Okay, I got angry, 3 police cars and an ambulance and a woman policewoman shining lights in my eyes to see if I was okay. Okay, it was a comical fall. It was funny to me. It was not funny to my family. Here I am alone up here. I was listening to that relaxation music. I guess it did the job. They were fixing to knock my door down. But, that is the down side. The up side is my family in another state were worried sick about me.. It made me angry. But, how can I get angry because my family loves me and worries about me. I cannot. I am in the wrong. I will never tell them I have fallen again unless I am calling from a hospital. Because of family moving in, I am headed back to Louisiana. Marital discord and I cannot handle it. Dammit, if you have a husband then keep him. A lot is lost when they are gone for good with no coming back. But, Billy and I had some terrible times, but we hung together thank goodness. It would have been easy to leave for both of us a lot of times, but love willed out. Lots of time we did not like each other, but we never quit loving each other. I try to tell them this.

Sometimes the present is forced upon us by other people. And, I gripe, when I should be thankful for the distractions, but somehow these distractions infringe upon my time, and still, I guess I should be thankful because I see so many people that have no one. So, if I was just alone I would be crying about being alone. Instead, I get someone coming in saying "Actually, I am hungry, I want waffles." Is there a happy medium? I think all of our ups and downs and mediums are just none of them happy right now, and that is what the norm is. Smack, splat.

@Gwenivere: AMEN

I know the experts say not to depend on something like Xanax. Sorry, I depend on it. I am not apologizing. It is saving my life. How long I take it depends on how long "I THINK" I need it. That is going to depend on when I am ready to give it up. Not ready. I have been on it when I had the cancer 34 years ago. I got off of it at my own pace. I do know how to get off of it. I just do not want to. Maybe I will later, maybe not. I don't care, and at my age, I just might keep it till the end.

Kaye, my grandmother was afraid for my mama to leave home. She knew something was wrong but in those days people did not get help. They helped themselves the best they could. My dad, I know, was bipolar and with two bipolar children I can see his many moods clearer now. One minute he was tripping the light fantastic, the next angry and brooding. Never knew what to expect. Figure my mama was borderline personality disorder. That is why I went so long to the psychiatrist. Only thing she could come up with was chronic depression, but that diagnosis does not make grief any easier. We do what we can with the mentality we were given. I can understand your mom in a way. I would not like to face the reality that I have to face and escaping into dementia might be easier sometimes. My mom has dementia/Alzheimer's now. How they tell the difference I don't know. But she seems satisfied that she has lost anywhere from 3 to 5 husbands. But, in reality there was only one. I hate reality.

Cookie, this is the scenario from yesterday, driving the 40 miles from the "big city." I yelled at God (I did not curse), I fussed at him and I asked Jesus to please let Billy just show me some sign. I yelled, I did not scream (headache) and I cried at least 25 of those miles. Sometimes I come unglued. Well, yesterday was one of those days. I might have a few days I slide through but then some road block happens and I just am certifiable. Then the next day I am okay. Well, as okay as I can be right now.

@HH: The eating is so secondary to me, yet I know I have to keep strength up. I am on a low residue diet, lifelong, because of a colon rupture. I can have white flour, sugar, all kinds of things unhealthy. i cannot have raw or most cooked vegetables. I have discovered V8 Juice, the fruit juice with Truvia in it. I drink it all the time. I drink my Boosts and my Ensures and sometimes I eat chicken. I can have string beans, but no other kind. I can have potatoes fixed just about any way. Somehow or other though, as I said, eating is just something I have to do. When I get this house gone, I will only buy Lean Cuisine, stuff like that. It will not hurt me to lose weight, as I have lost about 25 pounds in these last three months. I will eventually have to eat more or figure out some way to pin up this excess skin. I think there are supplements that might help too. I take an older woman's vitamin each day. But still, this morning, those 25 pounds of birdseed felt like 300. I did trip at my bedside and landed hard on my knee and could not help my face hitting the carpet too. I was sore, but I made the mistake of telling my sister in Louisiana. That night I went to sleep with ear buds in my ears listening to relaxing music. It must have worked (along with the Xanax) because between `1:30 a.m. and 2:00 a.m. three police cars were out front along with an ambulance. My sister could not get me on the phone (I could not hear it) and I could not hear them pounding on the door. Lights were flashed in my eyes to see if I was okay, and I explained to them what had happened and even the Xanax, it is legal. I am sure the neighbors thought they had busted up a meth manufacturer. I won't sleep with ear buds again. I had told my sister I was okay and was going to sleep. It is hell to be old sometimes.

I have hit another milestone. I know what those words below mean. I am a "Mammaw" and have been for over 30 years. My grandkids were our kids. We kept one of them until we made her homeschool and she thought she could get away from that with her mother. We took her to school every day, went and picked her up each day until the 6th grade. She is Amerasian and is totally beautiful. But, she feels different and we settled her in this vanilla town with all these vanilla "mean girls" and she was the most beautiful, exotic thing in the whole school. She was adopted, but we found out that is just a word. The heart belongs where it belongs. Our heart was hers and her heart was ours. But, in some places, you find that there are people with deep prejudices and they are taught to their children. The little boys thought she was special and the little girls might throw rocks at her. So, she was home schooled. She has a lot of social anxiety and does not know how beautiful she really is. She will need therapy from being in this vanilla school. I have always been a Mammaw and anything they wanted, within reason, they got. But, Billy was the Papaw, he was our little girl's "Dade" and was the only one she ever knew. Now I have a great granddaughter here. Somehow, I am a hollow person. I am not me without Billy. I go through robotic motions because the little granddaughter's mother is ill from the long trip, but I am just not me without Billy. I have lost myself somewhere along the way. Wish me luck folks. I am just not feeling like anything but a hollow person. I know it is just a little over three months, but Billy would have known what to do. I don't have what I used to have. My personality does not have what it used to have. My heart does not have what it used to have. My friends want me to get out with them. I am not ready. I still want to hide. I am not ready to give up. I really don't like this hollow woman. Now, the other granddaughter, I am me with her. She was Billy's favorite person in the world, he loved her so much. We both did/do. With her, I can be myself. Maybe it is because he loved her so much. I don't know. I am not sure of this word, but I think I am a conundrum.

Even in Arkansas it is "shirt sleeve weather." Gosh, this is February.

I think that is my biggest problem, I don't want anyone touching his things. At first, relatives just took things without asking. I had to put a stop to it. I was not ready to let anything go. I have thrown away his medications and his "health" foods. They did not work. My mama used to tell me the story about the "dog in the manger" and I know I am like that. All his hunting books, dog training books, rod wrapping books, all of his books on animal calls, I certainly will never read them, but I will keep them and when I go, my kids can do with them what they want to do.

Iheartm, I talk to Billy all the time. I talk to the walls, I talk to the air, I talk in the truck, I put his beautiful wood urn in the passenger seat on pillows with the seat belt on it, at home I built him a shrine. But the pictures..........I cannot do that yet. I want to touch those high cheek bones of his and his beautiful hands. I have him with me, but I don't have him at all. We all go through this. We are all in pain. I quit trying to count time but October 17th will be etched in my mind forever. I am not young. I don't have many years, months, days, and I will never question "when its your time you will go" again. I was going to be so smart, we were going to RV again and outrun death. Cannot outrun death. I had two miracles for myself and none for him. That is not fair. I would have gladly given him one of mine. I wanted a miracle so bad. It was not to be. One thing you can find on here is empathy. We all know empathy. So sorry you have to meet us like this, but there are good people on here and we all hurt.

You guys, I have help coming. Just want to do most of it myself. I don't have to lift, cannot lift much, but I can pack. I loved those two weeks of hiding out. I like to call it healing, but it was avoiding what I had to do. Just like I said, gonna pull on my big girl panties and am doing it. Got a lot done today. More tomorrow. I don't know about the rest of you, but I find it hard to eat. Know I have to and am forcing stuff down.

Kay, I think you come from the same place I do "please, I had rather do it myself." The last time my granddaughter was here she rearranged our first aid/medicine shelves and we could find nothing. I am just wanting to hurry and pack all of Billy's clothes, hobbies, etc. I cannot use them and will give them out later, but right now I have already had people coming in like "I want this, I want that." And, they can have them, but I want to smell all his clothes (I know that is weird), find all his little cards he wrote me, etc. At first when I had help a big case (and this was in a wicker basket case, beautiful, that I had saved all my granddaughters little notes, grades, etc. in.) It was thrown into the big fire and burned. The people, besides myself, don't know what to throw away and what to keep. I know I sound like the "dog in the manger" but I don't want to miss a thing. Dishes, cooking utensils, anything of mine they can give away, throw away, I don't care. One of these days I will go through his stuff, but right now I am just putting them in boxes to move and will write on the boxes. Then, maybe next year, maybe the next, maybe never, I will get rid of the stuff. Just too raw a wound right now. But, these boxes were not full, they were just empty boxes. And yes, I have family descending on me this week. I have a great granddaughter I have never met. Billy would have loved to have met her. He loved children so much. I think right now my love has dried up for everyone. I guess this is another step. I am getting knee aches from all these steps.

Me too Kay.. I periodically go through and clean out all the things advertising for fishing equipment and wishing he could order all of it.