Margm

I think we have it coming again. I'm happy not to own a home at this time in my life. In Mount Ida a tornado had never hit, had come within eight miles but never hit the town. Loved Mena, reminded me of my birth home town, but every time a storm/tornado hit, it seemed to be in the path. It had a series of mountains surrounding it too, which I figured should slow one down. We had little unusual mini-tornadoes in between towns, in between mountains that I called a TV station meteorologist and he explained we were in a stage 8 place. I saw the wind, in a tornado-like swirl pick up a wheelbarrow and set it down from one side of the big house to the opposite side. I had a burn going of some weeds, with a water hose held if it got out of hand. The wind from the fire made one of the mini-tornadoes and picked up some of the fire and set it down and started burning close to the road. I knew my heart must be okay because we had multiple water hose and it took all of them. I never burned again. This was not weather/rain wind, it was like those wind tunnels that form in the desert and sand swirls. The temperature has been hot meeting cold (35-40 is low for us and 70-80 high). I know for sure I'd have to stay inside with so much snow Kay. I go Monday with Kelli for her surgery. Hope it is just adhesions from old surgery. She is a swirl of energy right now that won't calm down. Know she is worried. She has had so much wrong and some turned out good and can only pray this is just adhesions. I know from typing so many operations how much trouble adhesions become after multiple surgeries in the abdomen. Because of the pandemic, they will only allow one person with her. And that is where we are right now. I pray for relief of the pain you all are in and hope for semi-normal life soon, because how can it ever be normal again, and wish for what we thought was normal. Your on my mind.

Family all okay. Actually did not even lose electricity, none of my family, but lots and lots of people did. My daughter took pictures on her way to my apartment and within a block of our apartments, trees were being cut away from streets and they were working on the electricity. This has gone on for a couple of days, wave after wave. I think we are clear now but lots of destruction in many states, ours included. Hope everyone is safe. Even heard of some unheard of temperatures in Canada, so Mother Nature is in a tift all over the USA. Y'all take care.

I'm okay, as far as the storms go. Have a lot of family problems. Kelli undergoes exploratory surgery the 18th. Think it might be adhesions (what we are hoping for) for all the surgery she has had on her abdomen. ) Myself, I worry because my sister cannot get her oxygen regulated and has lost lots of weight, but has had tests and they were negative. My son, who has my chronic depression, and bipolar besides, goes to work, comes home, sleeps, goes to work. Never sees the sun. I worry about him. I honestly worry about a lot I can do nothing about. Myself, at nearing 80 in August, I get afraid to come out of the house and this pandemic has not helped. I guess the surrounding towns have a lot of crime, but actually, cannot remember even seeing the police come around our apartments. When I get behind the steering wheel of my car driving, I am okay, it is making myself get out of the house. I know I have to keep mobile to be mobile, but I think fear of living is as bad as fear of dying and maybe they are the same thing. Gwen, I hope you get some relief for your pain. Sometimes I am not sure if the doc is trying to help or harm, or just too busy to care.

This is a weird thing that only happens in the recliner if I fall asleep, or almost fall asleep. I thought it was special, especially the time he reached down and kissed me on the forehead (right after he left). Then one time I "dreamed" of Brianna sitting in her chair. She had gone to live with her mom by that time. So, I just knew it was REM sleep dreams. For awhile I was scared to let myself go to sleep in the recliner, I dreamed of him a couple of more times. I know it is not deep sleep dreams, so I'm sure there is a good explanation, but now I feel more comfortable if it happens. It is definitely REM sleep and I can bring myself out fast.

I think I usually wake up and think, "maybe another few minutes" and one time I woke up four hours later. It is like we wake up and say "what now." I've even fell back on personal care. I'm not hungry, but you can gain weight on a couple of Ensure a day if you don't burn the calories off. I very seldom wake up with stomach cramps, but that new med (quit taking) made my bathroom visits more often. I lay in bed seeing my body, but it was like seeing another one inside that better move. I did. Yesterday I "went" so many times I was so weak and my sister was going to fix soup for me but I didn't want to see anyone. I opened a can and ate it. I guess it helped. I knew to drink my vitamin water, replenish fluids. I had a working body until I added more meds and then it was more loss of a control that has taken me eight years to obtain/teach. But, I'm not in the sort of pain you and Kay are in. Not yet. I am at a loss for any motivation. Okay, my problem. I don't hurt any more than I have for eight years and I'm used to that. I use up a container of "Tucks" in less than a month. I don't have hemorrhoids, I think the radiation burned the guts away. Bladder still works. I did sneeze 10 times after shaking out some Tony Charchari (Louisiana seasoning), and glad I wear a pad all the time. TMI. I'll quit.

And motivation is just a word. Yesterday I went to sleep in the recliner and in REM sleep, my face was against his shoulder and his beige Tee-shirt, as if it was yesterday, I could even smell his shirt. I guess they never leave, except they are not here. I think it gets lonelier every day. I have people around, but I feel so unnecessary.

Gwen, I come on here and write my word salads, long ones. Okay, I've said it all, but I cannot pretend that I can be of any help because of the way I feel, or don't feel. (So, I delete them, I've talked to myself). Right now you are in pain. I am in the pain of indecision, which does not hurt anything but my head. My doc seems to think he can train/help this old nearly 80-year-old body to be different. This week eight years ago I had my colon rupture with the overall sepsis, one doc said I scare him. Another told me if I didn't start eating I was losing my battle and what could she do to help. Dammit, if I could not/would not eat, she knew to hang a bag of TPN (total parenteral nutrition) and perhaps I would perk up. She did this, I started eating and was allowed to be discharged. I could not take any pain medication except Tylenol (acetaminophen) and was scared to take too much of that. Doc told me I could take up to 11 per day. There were some days I did take six, maybe eight. Unlike you, my back was not involved, or I doubt I would have survived. Heating pad didn't help. I got my trekking stix and walked from my driveway to the next and back again. I hurt so bad nothing would help, but this. I had a bag draining off fluids. Billy would have made a good nurse, he never minded changing the bags out and he stood at the front door when I was walking the pain down. I have made the decision to make the doc listen to me and leave me alone with any new meds unless they involve my heart. The essential tremor is bad some days and minimal others. Like I've said, it started in the 6th grade, but just the tremor. Something in the nerves all over my body is affected. It made me type faster, so that helped. The main drawback was when I was dating. The nerves would move even if I was not nervous and it eliminated close dancing because my partner assumed he made me aroused. I didn't mind quitting dancing. I've made it to nearly 80, I will just put up with it, I have anyhow, for this long. I have myself trained to be able to go a few miles in the car, as long as I'm not on other meds. I do not have "accidents" yet, but have come close. None while I am sleeping. So, I will be my own doctor, unless I ask for help. My heart is with you. I certainly do not wish for any more problems. I do not want to be a problem to my kids. My sister and my daughter are fighting medical problems, my granddaughters too, and my son just goes to work, comes home and sleeps and then goes to work again. No life except that. He does not do his art anymore, and he is a wonderful artist. My daughter is an exceptional photographer, and my grandson is still lost in the drug jungles of California. We might hear from him maybe once a year. Really afraid for him. He is 34 now. I won't delete this word salad.

Typing the "pain clinic" for a length of time, it was found that the majority of patients were from back surgery. I am so sorry you have this. We had decided to tackle it when we went to the clinic where they found his aneurysm, then they found the rest. He had put off going to the back doctor for so long. The world does not make much sense to me right now. Motivation is something I can't find. I'm sorry for the pain that follows this surgery. I think if you set up half a dozen surgeons and give them this surgery (make sure they have their hands in the pharmacy business), and we will see how long pain pills stay negative. People make them on illegal terms, but the illegal ones scare me.

I do not know who I was. Now, just waiting, I guess. Daughter called yesterday and just matter of fact, talking about who wants part of ashes, what I need to do with the ones I have and what will be done with mine. That is all taken care of ahead of time, but used to we would look forward to some sort of future. Some length of time. Know it is not promised, but I want to be as little problem to them as possible. Some people can talk about things like that, I have got to quit digging this hole. Fixing to get my trekking sticks and see if I can walk the length of the apartments. My mind sure feels heavy and my body definitely is. My diet that I have to stay on is mostly starches with protein I can chew. I did not have my blood drawn in eight years because I was afraid. I can get older if I lose some weight. Do I want to? Not today I don't. Gotta keep moving while I can. (Feeling sorry for myself), sorry.

I've seen the starting of it and we do have a believable "Jack Reacher." Now, going to watch some more. Did you all know this is National Women's History Month. Did you know they made the word "hero" gender neutral. And, ladies, I have never met so many women heroes as I have met since October of 2015. Love you all.

Starts December 6th and has already been renewed another season, new book coming the 8th of this month. I'm glad you described not being able to see it coming. I just want some of the COVID overworked places to slow down good. Thanks Karen. I have not seen the Jack Reacher series/movie by Lee Childs. This one looks like a 6'5" 275 pound Jack Reacher, not a 5'6" 135 pounds Tom Cruise. Actually, I do think Tom Cruise is a good actor, kinda handsome, but I don't watch him. Scott saw the new Jack Reacher and says he is good;

I know I have to have it done. The last time they did a procedure on me I was naked on an interventional radiology table, no sheet, and you have seen sides of beef hanging up in meat storage, that is what I felt like. You would not let your mom or grandmom suffer such things. People were coming in and out and I honestly don't have anything additional to my body that would surprise someone, just your regular old fat woman laid up naked on a flat table. And I am afraid of eye surgery. I am scared. After having cannulas of radiation poked up where no one is allowed to go for six days total, 72 hours at a time, and I'm afraid of eye surgery. And this is me worrying about me, no matter how stupid I sound. On a good note. I never would let them draw blood on me for 8 years this month. Well, I did. Everything was normal .......except a slightly elevated, tiny bit, A1C. He told me I could correct that with weight loss. So, I will only eat 1/2 the pack of ice cream. Might start grilling the meat instead of chicken fried steak. I cannot let fear come between me and my books. You are all brave women. I feel privileged to have "known" you even at a distance. It was 80 degrees all today. I think we have some 50's coming up and we have tornadoes above us, up where I used to live.

Gosh Kay, you sound like my Kelli. She broke her tail bone. (and numerous others), plus the inguinal hernia she now has. One time she fell in the shower and sat butt first on a shampoo bottle. Fell down our garage steps (two of them). Left our RV when Billy was sick (they were living in the house) and I said "I don't hear anything, she has fallen". Opened the door and she was spread eagled on her back. All I can do is wish us all better luck in the future.

I was not gifted the ability to say in 2-3 sentences something. I have to write 66 lines, go back and read it and then delete it. I'll try. Took my sister for bronchoscopy. Tried to help her up steps to her apartment. Had to stop often. She keeps boxes in front of her door and threw up and kept gagging into one box. Said there was no blood. She sent me home. She is so much like our dad. I told her if I had not hear from her by nighttime, I was going to come check. I know her impatience was results of the anesthetic, plus she wanted me to leave so she could smoke. It is hard to raise a sister that is nine years younger than you. Especially when she is fixing to be 71` and then I will be 80 later in the summer.

It is 38 degrees and it says "rain coming." Those living above La. have snow. We had it every year 175 miles up the road where we lived. I know typing medical reports, orthopedics were really kept busy. When I was walking, all times, it was in the 70's and the sun was shining. Mother Nature fooled the tulip trees. This is February, might have ice yet. I will not be outside my door if it is. Lots of doc appointments for my daughter and sister. I have to be up early to go with my sister. Then Tuesday they do the bronchoscopy. I go on the 28th for lab work I don't want to have, but he wanted it. Cannot treat anything that is found. He was headed out the door when I told him the diet I was allowed to have. He wants me to have more fiber, yeah and I will pay for it by sleeping on the "necessity." That sounds better than commode, doesn't it? I will handle it. Just worried about the rest of my family. Nothing I can do but "be there." I am by choice more of a hermit. I talk to my kids 2-3 times a day. My sister at least twice a day. I talk to my friends and relatives, but do not want to go anywhere but where I have to and I wear a mask. Gotta turn off the news and go read my book about shape shifters.. It all seems unreal.

Dee, I will be 80 on August 13th. I don't think I want to be younger, but know the younger ones have more time to fill up than I do. I have been out three times now with my trekking sticks, just to break the monotony of "okay, it is time to watch my westerns" or "okay, I need to read" or "okay, I have recorded shows on. Some of the ideas that Billy and I would share comes to mind and I know that cannot happen, he is gone. The thing is, most of my friends have lost their husbands and one of them has lost two. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and yet sometimes I just don't feel like being me anymore.. Not going to check out until it is time. I remembered something the other day that Billy said a long time before he left, and I remember my feelings were hurt. Silly, stupid memory. I had read about a friend of ours aunt having a heart attack at her husband's funeral. I mentioned that it seemed how I wanted it to be. I remember him saying strongly "No, one of us has to stay." I didn't know it was going to be me though. I guess he didn't either.

I just wonder, my friends that are left behind, and some of you are young enough you might find a hobby, something to look forward to, but do you ever get anxiety about just going to bed at night? Do you wake up in the morning and think "okay, I woke up, now what?" I think just going through my life insurance policies has made me feel this way. I get mail from their company and put it aside. Then I think, "oh gosh, maybe I'm supposed to sign something "again" just to be sure it is legal. I finally called one, who sent a second large packet of page after page. I'm in the process of throwing away old mail I won't open (I hate opening mail), and just talking to those people put me down. Depression. I am now reading stuff my kids will have to handle. I know wild animals go off by themselves to die (if they can.) I have those feelings. It is good I take my Xanax at night because the anxiety comes on after my reading or TV is done. You cannot really visit "old friends" or "older relatives." What if I carry the virus. I do what they tell me to do.

I can look on the good side of things though, at least my life's ambition was not to be a neurosurgeon or waitress.

Sometimes my left hand will shake so bad that I cannot put them on the home keys at all. Then other times it is the right. Sometimes, once I get them in place the shaking slows down. Some of the shaking goes along with whatever tune my gut wants to sing in. I do a lot of correcting. My hands do not hurt at all. Now, my right wrist where I had the carpel tunnel surgery has arthritis and I have to use my left hand to shore up my right hand if I hold anything. No pain, but the essential tremor often goes into Parkinson's. A grandfather, great uncle, 2nd cousin with Parkinson's and the essential tremor struck three others I know of. None of my kids or grandkids, but a very young 3rd cousin now has it. We should have all lived under a microscope. I loved that my dad, leading singing in church, would use the book holding hand and the other hand to go in time with the music.

I saw this and thought of Marty's dad. (The last part belongs to us Louisiana gals.

Scott didn't even know it was Valentine's Day. Kelli goes all out on each holiday. Today I am going to turn the tables and go pick Brianna up and mostly get Scott some vitamins. All he does is sleep and work. I think sometimes he is not getting enough exercise, but he works on the environmental crew at night and sometimes the whole hospital is in only two people's hands, have known it when he was the only one. As a former hard drugs user of the 1990's, his sobriety is very important, so he will purposefully not go back to his most experienced job of DJing. It puts him in with old friends that still do the drugs, and I'm proud of the way he has stayed away. In June, the big 60 looms heavy over him. He is "alone" except for family and Kelli fixes him a wonderful lunch each night, so he has someone that keeps the house comfortable and kept clean. That boy would not notice it if she moved a 2000 pound gorilla in the living room. His bed and TV are his most constant companions. How long will this last? Been going on for about 3-4 years now, so we will see. I wish they both could find ideal companions, but Scott does not have time for one, and Kelli just wants to get out and camp (alone). Mama said "big enough to go bear hunting with a switch" and that is my Kelli. Brianna has a "friend-boy" and I don't make the mistake of calling him a boyfriend. And my sister? She has this saying she repeats often "and that is why I am happy I didn't get married." Well, it was not all fun and carnivals, but I can say it was one hell of a ride and I am so very happy I did get married. The word "soulmate" was not lost on me. Happy Valentine's folks.

My last "friend" before Billy was 16 months younger than me. I met with him unloading the mail from the train I was riding. He lived with his grandparents and uncles. He worked so hard. He made his own money, he worked hard. He would be at the train at 5:00 a.m. and also at about 6:00 p.m. He was a great football player but I had graduated, he was a senior. We were together every free minute. Then his uncle decided I was too old for him, too "experienced." I really wasn't, but I was legal age, he wasn't. After he graduated he drove back and forth from the job in the big city. He was still only 17. He went to sleep driving. I was not "in love" with him, but I admired the young man who took care of his own needs, he worked. One night he went to sleep and hit a bridge. I still grieve for the 17-year-old boy and the life he could have had. Not with me, I was married when he died. It has lived with me now for 61 years. Some grief you don't forget. I think we grieve for the life they should have had. At 17, his life had just started. I put flowers on his grave. He is buried between grandparents and his mom that was absent with his growing up. He was a good little boy. The grief is not the same but it is still a hurting that wishes he had known a wife, a home, children, grandchildren. Just a wish from a great grandmother for a child I used to know.

At the bottom of Pandora's box was "hope." I have to think of this when I look at all the boxes I have not opened. When I was "escaping" that evil, loudest quiet home that somehow was not Billy's and my home, but something that had lost him into the Heavens, it was not supposed to happen that way. I am the one who escaped death twice and my nurse was the calmest, laid back person that I knew would outlive me many years. It was not his time, only it was. Some times I think "He" only takes the best. I've put it in my head I was not good enough, I need to change, I need to grow that mustard seed. If I had gone first, I would not worry about leaving all my trash, nothing valuable, for my kids to throw away. Like "Moonbeam McSwine" I seem to collect unusable trash all around me. Mail comes in, I'm going to open it later. Now I have three separate boxes to throw away. I even have a big shredder (for some reason). The new insurance that Medicare went into in our state, either it or my group insurance decides they will no longer pay for Xanax. Right now they pay $2.50 a month for it and I pay $2.50. I don't want to be a burden on them, so I will pay the entire $5.00 for the generic they send. Stupid, dimwitted political crap. We won't worry about that though. This is truly a horrendous time for some people. You see, I did open a box. It was not one of the big plastic boxes, it was a middle sized box that had cards Billy had given me for each event in our life. I could rub my hand over the writing, but it did not help. Yes, I cried. Then, as usual, I looked at his urn and I said "okay Billy, I think that is the only one for today." I doubt if any of us can say we don't cry at least once a day. Then, we get on with what is left of our life. I scanned some of the pictures and posted them. My kids with their neighborhood friends, their Nanny, and this one below. My country cousins that are all in their 80's right now, or they are gone. We had innocent fun back then. We saw each other often, two of them every day. If I could go back in time, I think it would be this time. I'm on the far left, my grandmother, Rita, Anne, Mike and Bob. Rita, Bob, and of course my grandmother left us many years ago.

A series of events made up my day, make up my every day. I had found a heart necklace in back of a drawer. I went to put it in the jewelry box, which I never go to. I saw a box I did not remember and figured I'd clean it out. Mistake!!! It has been six years and nearly four months since Billy left. Of course these were most all of him. One when Scott was about two and he had his Steve McQueen look. I honestly thought Billy got better looking every year, I did not notice his age, or the white surrounding his dark red beard. I talked with my sister today about religion. You see, that was a big part of her studies and I had to change the subject. Billy would ask why I believed like I did and I would always say "because I have to." I am most comfortable this way and I don't want to question anything. My dad and she used to argue religion all the time. She lived with them. She would go to her room, lock her door and he would go on the front porch to argue through the window. I'm a simple minded person. I do not like to question many things. All I know is, we are at a big worrisome time with my sister's health. She has a bronchoscopy the first part of March. She has a dark spot on one lung and the other one has been scarred for years. She is so independent that if she was laying flat on the ground, she would find a way to get around my helping her up. She is on total oxygen almost constantly, and the best I can say is, I'm worried and I know she cannot do it alone. I will be there for her, always. For her own mental health, I hope she can do things herself. This really happened. My dad was dying. His blood count was so low he stayed in front of the fireplace with Mama staying outside most of the time because it was so hot in the house. My uncle came to help. My dad got out of the chair, went outside and physically ran my uncle off. My sister is just like him. She brings me presents because I take her trash out in my trash buggy. Oh, so unnecessary. Me, I've never been alone. She, she has always lived alone except when she had to stay with my parents. Word salad about nothing. Folks, I am dealing with some family problems right now. I will return. Love you all.

I'll take that Gwen, and I sure hope it does go better for you.