Margm

Dee, my son works the night shift at the VA Hospital.. He cleans, they have a crew. He worked so long as a DJ at strip bar, all the dope, clean now for many years. He used to be a welder. He is an artist He does no painting now. He sleeps, goes to work, back to sleep again. If he had any hope for a life, he spent it all on a bad divorce, she ran around on him. Then, finally after all the working girls, long time relationship on a gal that would never run around on him. She did. He's through. He always had a girlfriend or wife, guess he has had enough. Anyhow, they are around COVID patients and a surge of C-diff (Clostridium difficile) patients. That is a bacteria, the last one, and they can take care of it, but highly contagious. I talk to him every night, but he is afraid to come see me, afraid he will bring some illness. He has sort of hazmat suits before he enters rooms and they take precautions. With the A/C just coming on the day after Christmas, I guess we all have our downtimes. I do not like snow, but the countryside is beautiful. I know I would slip and break something. No "keto" on my diet. Nothing healthy, so I get fluffy and fluffy. And, I don't have to eat much to do it. I got myself "trekking sticks" for Christmas, and I do need exercise, if I will do it. Take care friends. You can't watch the news without getting totally paranoid. You do what you can, vax and masks, and stay home. Really tarnishes these "golden" years. I think they could have come up with a better name.

I had the A/C on today. My sister couldn't stand the idea of Christmas without southern cornbread dressing. So, she prepared, or tried to. It tired her out so she is kind of short on stamina tonight. And, she ruined the chicken and dressing, being unable to tend to it. I cooked my last when I was 76, no more. Kelli was fixing Tex/Mex when they got home from the endless present opening here. I apologized for being such a Grinch, she said I did better this year. I had my no-vax granddaughter from Savannah and her no-vax daughter. My sister is so afraid, so I told her I would quarantine myself a few days.. It is not like I'm not used to it. It can't be the same, we can't make it better, all we can do is wade on through it and I just noticed, it is now December 26th, (12:52 a.m.). Christmas is gone again. Hang in there my friends. It is like playing dodge ball, it gets harder to get out of the way.

I wrote that a few years ago and attached the picture. My true self is below.

.............and remembering long ago Christmas mornings where we did wake up and Santa had come, and he did eat the treat left for him (that is why he was so jolly and round), and life was magic again, and "they" all were there with us. Merry Christmas. I liked the child's part better than the adult's.

They told me they were not guaranteed. I said "no" and doc said well chew with your teeth out of your mouth then. He turned around and walked out. I feel sorry for his family though, he was rich enough to have his own private airplane and was flying himself, two daughters and a friend from town that was a dentist to a ball game. All of them perished. He had a son and wife left. The doc that took his place looked at my x-rays (a piece of tooth from oral surgery 30-40 years before had caused an infection down to my throat.) ENT doc had to go through my throat to get rid of it. He sent me to the oral surgeon to make sure it was all gone. He also offered the screw in's and we didn't discuss it. For my follow-up from the surgery, Billy was already gone.

I live again in that "small" country town. 11,000 to 12,000. It is about 30+ miles from where I was born and graduated. Same parish (county). It is parish seat. I still have the memories of pulling Scott all over town in his big red wagon my mom and dad bought him when he was born. Didn't have a baby buggy, but he was about 2-3 when I was pulling him. You felt safe then. Billy's home was about three miles down the road. Of course, something is missing.

I have had many years to get used to dentures. They wanted me to pay $9000 for screw-in teeth. The antibiotics would kill me, and it would be necessary. Also, the things that fit over the screws is just denture material. I had an upper plate at 19. My teeth were bad forever. I remember walking from school to the dentist thinking a truant officer was going to get me. Kids now do not even know what that is, but they know what rapists, kidnappers, and people with guns are. They know that they are not safe for some ungodly reason. Then in my 50's I had my lower teeth removed. My top teeth had little tumors that ate the roots, was sent for biopsy but were not malignant. In 1961, I don't think they were too medical savvy since in 1962, Scott was 10 days late, by dates, they brought on labor with castor oil and orange juice. Billy was emptying bedpans a week before our first anniversary. And hair..........well, the cancer was not on my head, but one side effect of the radiation was I had the choice of being one of the cute little women with tight white curls and pink scalp. I like wigs. The things that were done took a lot away from me, but I was able to keep it covered. Well, that was a lot of useless information. Believe me, I do not envy toothaches. You definitely have my sympathy. But, I'm going to need the cataract surgery too.

It is. Billy always called me Marg, unless he was angry and then it was Margaret. My sister calls me "Moggy" and the same, if she is perturbed at me, it is Margaret. It was an old name when Mama gave it to me. Many relatives generations back carried it on. Now, it really is an old woman's name and it dawned on me, I'm the last one to carry it. (in our immediate family). I'm glad to make you smile. I had to watch the series "Grace and Frankie" to laugh the first time, and it felt good.

I figure I live in a sort of assisted living apartment. If I need help, there is someone to give it. One time I was getting my groceries in, turned around and my upstairs neighbor had brought all the rest in. I have a basket on wheels I take my trash out and pick up my sisters too. I watch old western series on the Encore channel in the afternoon, about 4-5 of them. I just saw The Virginian and saw it starred Aldo Ray. I had loved him in old movies and I just started crying a lot. Okay, that is my time for today. My granddaughter is in town. She is at my son's house (and Kelli's). Kelli has a dog and a cat and I have never smelled the catbox in her house. My granddaughter brought two cats and a dog with her. (cats not trained). Catbox, but use the floor mostly, my daughter is a good housekeeper. Kelli keeps her animals in her room. We have been having a lot of drama. It was a bad divorce and the kids were taken to California, new husband an officer in the AF. He was jealous of all of us and if Scott came to see the kids, he couldn't without a fight, physical. My son gave up. They didn't want us talking to them either and we had no "rights" or money to go to California. We grew apart and it hurt like someone had taken our own kids away. We were very "hands on" grandparents. All water under the bridge now but I cannot feel close. She (granddaughter) has her problems, two former husbands, enough said. I think when Billy repeated "I am you and you are me" I just never knew how to handle the person that is me, the one left. I still get the weird feeling when I have to get out of bed in the morning, have not started wetting the bed yet, but I just have the feeling "well, I'm alive, now what." Pandemic got me down (I'm not sick), holiday got me down, not knowing who I am also got me down.

I answered like I know what I'm talking about. I had trouble with my in-laws at first, but lost my fil to cancer early on. My mil did not live much longer. First five years she and I were at a sort of war. I wish you could have seen "Nanny." In the old movies the women's prison warden looked just like my mil. That woman could curse any sailor out any day. I remember someone asked her if she liked her new dil. She had only one bad thing to say. "She's not a good housekeeper." How could I get angry? I'm still not a good housekeeper. I had Kelli at 5 years into being married. She was Nanny's favorite and Kelli got to keep her, and Nanny got to love her for about eight years. And, as long as my Kelli is alive, her Nanny and her Maw will live too. She is as tough as both of them. Billy's family was a lot older than mine. We didn't keep him or them long enough. So, I can't fuss about my in-law's. Now, Nanny was a "rounder" and Billy loved her. I think when my fil passed, she had a date with the undertaker. Billy had a lot to live with, but he loved his family. And, I miss them all. I'm sorry for the trouble you all had with in-laws. I had my share of conflict with a sil. I sat with her in the hospital when she passed from lung cancer. The doc once asked her how many packs she smoked a day and she said four. She was in her 70's. Her son and Billy had gone out in the hall. I watched her clean sheets folded once down from her neck. She was asleep. She was in no pain. She did not move a muscle, no twitch to her face, totally peaceful. I watched her breathing, no bad breathing, and then I noticed the sheet was not going up and down. I called the nurse and Billy. I had never seen anyone die before. Billy loved her so much. She was so much older it was like another mother. I had never bought groceries. Dumb-ass kid. We ran out fast. My in-laws were poor. We ate with his folks the first month or so. His mom made the best "fat back" pinto beans, cornbread and sweet tea, onions grown in my father-in-law's garden. (He would not let anyone come in his garden). I think I only have good, but sad memories. I'm sorry this pandemic is in such a mess. I'm sorry we cannot enjoy holidays. I'm sorry.

I still sit in my chair and cry. A movie will be over, something sad, something happy, I will just cry and cry, then I will quit and do something else. No one will understand you, me, us, anything at all until it happens to them. Then we have empathy for the other person. And, when you have that much empathy, all you can do is say "I'm sorry, I have no words that will help." And I go back to Rose Kennedy's words, not the official words, just the meaning. The wound will never heal, you will form scar tissue. That is true, but that scar tissue can just be knocked off. I am a Grinch. I don't like Christmas. Billy was a child all his life at Christmas. He started telling what he wanted next year too. And his kids, well, he was the child we bought for. Now Christmas can come and go and I feel I let the whole family down. I don't want anything. I am hard to buy for and they know I mean it. I ruin holidays. I'm sure I have written pages and pages of my feelings. I let it all hang out and go on and on. Mostly memories. It still hurts to remember too much. I will recall little things that happened. Sometimes I will ask myself if it really happened. He took up 54 years of my life and I knew he was so calm, so laid back, I knew he would outlive us all. Come back and read from years back. I don't think anyone holds back. And, we all understand. I had a supervisor once who was so serious and one time she told me "you really are crazy." I didn't get my feelings hurt, this was before Billy left. It helps to be a little crazy sometimes. Billy was gone three days and I found this forum. Maybe misery loves company, I don't know the reason, but knowing you really are no different helps. And, being a little crazy helps too..

Warning: Long word salad. My aunt had all of her nieces and nephews. She had no children of her own. We were her children. We were so close. My folks lived with or next door to each other. You have to picture this, this was a sparsely settled neighborhood in a small town. Country dirt roads. I could say my mom and dad lived "up the road" and we did, by automobile. The back of our house had a long ago corn field with rows that a little girl could hide in when her mom called looking for her. I was headed to my mammaw's though and knew i would get a whipping. I did it anyhow.. It was worth it. My mammaw was a real live Angel and so was my aunt, that lived next door. I was the only grandchild, niece for nine years. My aunt had "Skipper" that would sing when the organ was played, she had "Tip" for so many years. She loved her fur babies. There came a time after her breast cancer in the 1980's, that she did not have a fur baby. She was afraid she was going to die and leave a loving pet without her. She lived. By now there was a great-niece that raised Dachshund's. She brought the male to live with my aunt, over my aunt's objections. But, she loved this fur baby and he would sometimes escape the huge, very large area chain linked fence (he could dig) and went to visit another pure bred dog that was bigger than him, and I guess where there is a will there is a way. The other "pure bred" dog had puppies that clearly were "Doc's" puppies. They tried to sue my aunt. Got the police out and everything. In my family, we had two Sheriff's of the Parish and a state fire marshal. My dad was a deacon and my two aunts were "greeters" in a bigger church. Reputations beyond reproach. I never heard bad words till after I got married. My very sweet, beyond reproach reputation aunt thought it was hilarious. I think these "neighbors" moved away. My aunt loved her fur babies. We all loved this aunt. I lived in another state and Billy would call her ever so often, and so would I. Billy told her when I "passed on" she and him would go RVing together. She loved Billy. She passed away February 1, 2014. I could not believe she was 90. She didn't look 90, she didn't act 90, she was still getting around better than much younger people. It was fast, like Billy. She was only sick a few days. I love my family. The ones I have now, the ones I've lost. I really sometimes think God gave us women urgent bladders so we don't have time to think "I'm still alive," when we first wake up. I was thinking of all the fur babies. Nawlins, my poodle grand-dog is 11. Kelli let her out to do her business and then calls to her. She won't listen. She can't hear her. Even dogs get old.

Facing some very trying times coming up. At least I read the posts before writing them all down. I will just try to put some wings on my mustard seed faith prayers. I see Gin came on, but I was worried. Wish I could take the medicine doc gave me. It did help the shaking. I can't take it though. I have to face that. Also, I have my seven crosses in front of my necessity that I have used to say "Please God, I won't eat anything chocolate or real onions again." Knew I could not have coconuts. I thought it meant the white shredded stuff. No, it meant the juice too, so, I won't have anything in the way of coconut. Yes, my colon is my "boss organ." Maybe God took Billy first so he could protect him from my bitching. I will try to put some wings on the prayers for all y'all. I'm so sorry Gwen, Kay, Dee, and those that are just fighting to live through this pandemic. Yes, I have trouble fighting off the paranoia. Will get my booster this week, as will Kelli and Bri. We have company coming that only my sister can avoid. Don't know how long, but they are vaccine non-believers. So, wearing my mask in the stores does not mean I have not had the vaccine, it just means I will protect myself from those that did not have theirs.

I was PO'd my daughter got me one. I don't think I would ever shower again if I didn't have it and I won't take a bath so stinky me would just slither away with the crap. Gwen, I am so sorry about more surgery. I'm almost glad they look at me and say "sorry, we can't fix anything about you." My sister is about to give up and I go to bed afraid each night. Mama's prayer comes back to me "if I should die before I wake." Wasn't it C.S. Lewis that said he didn't know that grief was so much like fear. Well, I "fear" all the time. I know that does not help you. I climbed the stairs today and my sister lives on oxygen. I so wish she had kept her state retirement. All I can do is hope and pray for you. Sometimes I think God is saying "Are you talking to me?" All of you, I love you and I care. In fact, prayer is all I have and I'm not sure that bucket holds water anymore. I have many pair of compression socks. They tend to cut off circulation if they get too tight in any place. I use Dr. Scholl's diabetic knee socks. Slight compression, easy on and off and so comfortable I could sleep in them, but I don't.

The state group insurance let us (everyone) know if we dropped it we could not get back in. We carried cancer ins. when I had cancer. Did not have it for Billy. She told me it would not cover his $6000 chemotherapy. I said, give it to him anyhow, we will cover it (not a worry or thought in my head), still trying to grasp stage 4 cancer when I had him at doctor regular twice a year and anything in between. Clinic was less than a mile from our house. The clerk caught me before I had even gotten close to front door. They called a "grant" in and it covered it all. So, I guess they actually paid to make him leave faster since the chemo made it where he could not eat. I had him back at the hematology clinic every day. Twice the night/day he left me. We lived between 30-40 miles from that clinic. Does no good to look back. I could not have changed a thing about the course of the disease any more than all those more than a hundred people could have changed the course of the tornadoes that ripped across the USA last night. I hope all our people are okay.

I gripe about my gastrointestinal problems. My friend had breast cancer. Daughter just starting college. Only two together. I never knew about her exhusband. My arrogant/angel doctor told her "I'm not going to let you die of this breast cancer" and she and I were "ill" at the same time. The radiation nearly killed me 32 years after initial life saving (most a human can take), could never give any more. (I sure didn't ask for more). Her chemotherapy gave her lymphedema under one arm that still has not gone completely, and gave her body a condition (cannot remember name), that required a rheumatologist. Three to six months later she still could not see one. No where along the I-40 and I-30 corridor, which included Little Rock, Hot Springs, Texarkana. I called to get an appointment with a new family practice and was laughed at, telling me they'd call in July. This was January or February. No trouble getting appointment with the most popular one in Minden, my mom's and sister's doc. I can call him anytime. (I think he wants to kill me though.) I had heard that the "free medical care" countries had backup's waiting for surgery for three years. Okay, is our medical care much different? (Except we pay very much). I kept my group insurance with State of Louisiana since 1961. It has changed a lot, it is Blue Cross/Blue Shield and requires no payment for office visits (it is secondary to Medicare naturally). I prefer not to go to doctors. I am 79 and the majority of them think that is long enough. I will never forget the "joy" of one of the "Dollar" store's employee's. They had insurance. $5,000 deductible.

Karen, one night I will wear my snuggie socks and the next day it breaks a temperature record of 80. That might be followed by ice storm next week. Sounds like warmer weather this month around here. The moisture in the air aggravates my sister's COPD bad. But, her "home" she like to live in is New Orleans and it is liquid air. She lived there about 29 years.

Diets: I have to live on the low residue diet, or die. Not a healthy diet. The ketogenic would take care of my worries, but I hate for them to take my body off the commode. Heck, I hate for them to take it from any place. I hate people doing anything for me. I guess I cannot self cremate. Wow, we do have some conversations. I put on a "house" jacket I have not worn in two years. The sleeves used to be loose, now they are tight. I am going to do something to get my mind off me. Love you gals and the guys when they come. You all have my heart. Gonna decorate my tree. I've had it all ready to do for days. Speaking of diets, my sister and I have same doc. Her triglycerides are terrible. We have family history of high cholesterol. He insists on statins. Some people cannot take them. They almost cripple my sister. So, he put her on low fat diet. I heard her distress about not having butter. I was thinking I'd never cared for butter. She loves olive oil and I think they make a half olive oil, half butter. I remember them putting Billy on a salt free diet. I did so much studying on this, cooked meals without it. Billy said, to hell with that, no salt, then why live. We are all so different. All the same.

I think you need to feel like it is working Gwen. I remember years ago reading that aluminum foil would cause dementia. Today I opened something about daily use of simple things like toothpaste, etc. would cause it. We had a silver alert for a little woman about 9 years younger than me. It was on the news each night. In 3-4 days they found her at a new car lot where she had got lost. Nothing had harmed her except her little mind and probably giving up when she was totally lost. Louisiana weather was tolerable at night until yesterday. The doc told me he didn't give Xanax because it causes dementia. Seems the essential tremor I have leads to it also. Looking at the pictures of the class reunion from the 4th (I didn't go, of course), I didn't know three of them and called one of them by the wrong name. Was writing to a friend on FB, it was her cousin I had named wrong. I'm sure I'm not getting any smarter, but when my kids and sister never want me going anywhere alone, I doubt myself. I slip off anyhow. If I feel I am a danger, I hope I will know it. My drivers license comes due next year, so we will see how that goes. (I am knocking on wood) but no traffic accidents or tickets even though my insurance goes up each year. Guess that's enough. If you think the Xanax does you good, they by golly, it does. Your the one who knows. My Louisiana doc wanted me to add fiber to my diet. I'm convinced he is trying to kill me.😇

When I was under psych therapy, I took it for seven years, in the 1980's. (I think). I found, if I took more and more, the effect on my anxiety was less and less. I had to cut them down to only necessity and fought through less necessary because the more I took, the less results I needed to happen, they didn't happen. It might just be me and the med, and I have no problem taking them. Except, if I took 3 a day, two would not have the results that one would have. With that happening, I actually had to make myself take breathing exercises when I wanted the Xanax. It does help my shaking and if I have to go out, I will take one. Maybe it is my metabolism. I went years without taking them, a friend gave me one and I went to sleep at my desk. It would not do that now.

Sometimes I tell Billy, "Do you realize I have not seen you in over six years, and we didn't like to be away from each other for a night." And sometimes, for just a terribly short moment, I wonder was he ever there at all. Silly of me, really idiotic, but like my grandma after 19 years, I think, "it seems like yesterday. I know this is weird, I know he is not here (he is in my head) but sometimes I feel him behind me in this apartment. Billy would not have lived in an apartment. I feel life all around me though. The neighbor upstairs, a young couple who just had a five pound baby girl (a few months ago), hearing the older daughter practicing her tumbling, her dancing in her mom's shoes, (I imagine), and the strange noise their bed makes at night. There is still life out there, even if we look through it.

I look into the future each night and then I take a Xanax. I know y'all think I'm acting like a baby (well, it is 2nd childhood), and I have always been afraid of the dark. (I have a night light.) Now it is not the atmosphere of darkness, it is the dark hole in our minds. And, when Brianna left, there was this big hole I had never really faced. Now I face it with a Xanax. Might be up for criticism (especially from my Louisiana doc), but sometimes I do for me what I have to do. No apologies. Kelli is coming to take this new contraption off my TV. I get Netflix anyhow and lots of other channels. I sort of resent something that takes time from my reading anyhow.

My surgeon had a reputation for being abrupt, not friendly with patients (he told Billy he was just not a huggy person) and that man worked so hard to save my life, consulted so many other surgeons and then felt sure enough of himself to try something that he "invented." I'm still alive nearly 8 years later. But, he was very abrupt with me, sat down and explained things in a "do it this way or no way" manner. My macerated insides (had the most radiation they could give one person), and doc's at MD Anderson told me that more than once. Me, I was thinking, "I'm gonna die anyhow, do your worst." They did. I lived until age made all the organs that were connected to the GI tract and colon were unable to hold a stitch or even the glue surgeons sometimes used. Well, he did not take anyone's advice except himself. Interventional radiology performed the "surgery" and here I am waddling around from my fluffy "low residue diet" all these years later. A year after the colon ruptured, it destroyed the GYN system, which was never much good anyhow and they told me they could do a D&C, but nothing else. (I always hated my feet up in those stirrups anyhow.) The dietitian (sweet), but she scoffed at the idea of staying on a low residue diet the rest of my life and knew I was mistaken. Now this doc (God knows I love him), he had to take anger management sessions, and I kind of knew how he was going to handle the cute little dietitian that knew more about diets than him. She called me back and her voice was not so cutesy, and I knew she had talked to "him." She said shakily, "you are right, he said you never could get off the diet, but you could add wheat bread." I have tried a couple of times eating what I craved, and I prayed to my 7 crosses on the wall directly in front of my "necessity." "Please Lord, I will never eat chocolate or onions again." I haven't. I can have all the fattening food I want. My favorite is fried chicken tenders and white gravy. All the cakes and cookies I want, just no nuts, coconut, and the only corn I can have is the grits. But I make good grits bread, akin to corn bread. I can have all the fried meats I want as long as they are tender. I can have a lot of below ground vegetables, potatoes, beets, I can have green beans, cooked spinach (for my "gritpones") I'm hanging in today, tomorrow I'm not sure. I've said all this before. I can have the powders, (onion, garlic, etc) so I don't suffer, except from being too fat. I almost said "Happy Holidays." I thought "happy" had eliminated itself from my vocabulary. Kelli fixed me some contraption (new to me) where I can get all those new fangled networks and naturally I have screwed it up and my TV won't come on. I'm fixing to put up my table Christmas tree. Have as good a day as y'all can. Love you all. (Gwen, thinking about you gal, I read how hard life is treating you and admire your strength). You know that. And, this is a word salad that I've already written a dozen times.

Potlikker is the juice left in the pot after cooking collard greens. This is what you "sop" your cornpones in. That with sweet tea can't be beat (by some people). I do not eat wild game and am very hesitant about sausages and hot dogs. So, I'm not a true southerner. True southerners spread out crawdads, (crawfish, mudbugs, etc.) on a platter with short boiled corn, onions, and lots of Cajun seasoning. And, they eat the whole mudbug. I don't eat this either. Also, one of my sister's favorites is a sausage called Boudin. Boudin (pronounced "BOO-dan," at least in Cajun country) is a cooked sausage made from pork meat and rice, plus various vegetables and seasonings, all stuffed in a natural pork casing. They make one with pork blood. I have never eaten any Boudin. I'm not Cajun, but they sure have a good time.

Alas, cannot have any I am typing about, but there was I time I could. I have 7 crosses (I'm sure I've told this) in front of my "necessity" and I have prayed. "Lord, I promise not to eat chocolate again if this hurting will quit." I did the same with just a few specks of raw onion. I can have corn nothing, but grits. I can have cooked spinach. I can make a cornbread using grits. They just don't have the amount of fiber in them as everything else. Authentic southern food is great. Once someone told me when I mentioned black-eyed peas, they said they fed them to their cows.