Margm

Often there is a German Wirehaired Pointer commercial, just the animal in the feature, not just featuring just him, but Briar was Billy's favorite animal. Very active, needed exercising very often. Billy had gotten to where he could not climb the mountain behind our house and when we let him run on his own, the main highway was too close, actually far enough away that a regular dog would not bother, but Briar was not a regular dog. At first Billy trained him and I suspect things were going on then, I figured it was just age. Once he let him run and he got ahold of a fox and my neighbor called. Billy had to kill the fox and was afraid to let Briar run. Like some sort of sign, a friend told us of a man who had just lost his "best friend" and was saddened. He lived out in the country on 40 acres, well off the road, a big barn, a large pond (Briar loved the water), and we were told that when this man had a pet, it was his "best friend." The man came to see Briar and they just loved each other right away. I think Billy was jealous, but it was not good to have an active dog and not let him run. Briar was 7-years-old at this point. It was like he knew he had found a forever home and he never looked back at Billy, so Billy knew he was going to be okay. Billy wasn't. Every time the commercial came on he would tear-up, but knew it was best for Briar. He had 40 acres (and more) to run all day, and the man loved him. He was easy to love. (So was Billy). Oh, the dog was never vicious or mean, a very sweet tempered dog, just one that said "let me run." Don't pen me in.

I cooked a meat loaf dinner, one of the Lean Cuisine ones. Whatever they cook next door has this spice added. I don't use it, but it is mixed with tomatoes, I guess. They are moving all her things out of the apartment. I'm getting terribly old and cranky because one kid, probably 3-4 had a scream that would work in a (I hate to call it music) rap group because it is just words. They could throw this kids screams in at the exact time and work around it. I'm sure it would be a hit. She wasn't hurting and each scream was the same pitch and length, pause, go again, and no one was bothered but me. Old damn woman. This woman was 90 and she has at least 100 children, grandchildren, and I think even at least one great-great. It was like a New Orleans funeral, everyone was having a good time. The granddaughter felt so sorry for me because I cried. (I do cry at dog commercials), and this woman was ready to go "home." I'm not sure I blamed her. Last night the skunk weed smell was seeping through everything. But, the kid was not screaming. One granddaughter between 50-60 had a bottle of Vodka and she was happy. I have not got my mail again in the last few days. Kelli's tumor markers were negative. She got to quit the chemo. Now for the MRI or CT or both. I got my regular flu shot today, he added some more to my blood pressure meds, supposed to work on the tremor, propranolol. I knew that, but it also sometimes makes the depression worse. My aunt took it. We will see. I told him no more antidepressants. I took those suckers over 20 years and took Prozac so long I had a nightmare, was fighting "someone" in my sleep and reached over and bit Billy's shoulder. He jumped out of bed wanting to know what was wrong with me. I was in a nightmare fight with some more women. He always said fight dirty, so I was. Doctor cut down and then cut off the Prozac. I didn't miss it. (Neither did Billy). He slept facing me for awhile. That's all down in the flatlands. We had a "cool snap" and it is now 76 degrees. Hang in there y'all.

Kevin, where is a picture of Atlas? (Recent)

I woke up to the ambulance in front of the apartments. I could not keep looking, felt like I was intruding. I've never seen my neighbor, knew she was very ill. They never would let the people who spray for bugs come in. Made them let them a couple of months ago and they were everywhere. They have to spray mine twice to keep the neighbors bugs from coming into my apartment. I know I do not like the smell from what they cook. Don't know what it is, but I don't eat something with that odor. Not "country cooking" and I don't know how to explain it, but it makes me nauseated. She has "kin" come in all the time to help her. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law both have dementia. My SIL was not happy when their only child (never married, a teacher), moved in with them. I've talked to my niece, but not before my SIL called me and told me to tell Scott to come get her. I didn't know what to do. She has been away from the south, her old home, since about 1965. She lives right outside of Albuquerque. She is three years younger than me, but is clearly into dementia. BIL got angry and got in his car and police stopped him driving wrong way on interstate. Not drunk, just in early stages of dementia. Sitting in police cell over night made him happy to give up his car keys, but my SIL fought it. Finally, after police came out four times, she is settled down and the one 53-year-old "child" has them under control, very soft talking, very calm, and lives with them. Still teaching, someone checks on them while she is working. On the other hand, Billy's nephew who is a year younger than me, he is into dementia now, and I am just shook up that so many of my "family" are in dementia. I probably watch myself more closely than I should. There are words that won't come to me and I've found if you enter into Google a meaning of the word, the word forgotten comes up. Billy always said if I didn't have something to worry about, then I'd make up something. I worry constantly about my daughter, son and granddaughter. We have not heard from my grandson in at least a year.. He was totally sane coming out of rehab and sane enough to let us know that he was definitely going back into the drugs. He was very clear thinking. I think actually, he was living/married? to someone he thinks our southern family would disprove of, and maybe he is happy being there. If he was happy, I would not disprove of it. I just hope they can take care of him. Myself, I am slower, I cannot say I don't hurt anywhere because I do, can only take Tylenol. I'm actually used to it. Living alone is like being 8-9 years old and making me sleep in my own room away from my parents because there is a new baby. I hear sounds. I lock myself in my room at night. I sleep good. I read sometimes until 4:00 a.m. Actually, we have had kids break into cars and steal whatever they can that you leave in your car. They catch them, they are juveniles. I leave my patio light on because the woman who lives "down the hill" parks in front of my patio fence. I keep my light on for her. She goes to work at the hospital at 4:00 a.m. We have more drive by shootings (which would be hard to do in these apartments), but houses in neighboring towns have it. In one high school, in three days, they have had to arrest about 20 kids, this was "gang" fighting. So, these things do not only happen in NYC. Still waiting on Kelli's results of her tests, has to have CT scans too yet. My son has adapted himself to my father's personality. I know the sweet boy is in there somewhere. He just does not talk. Work, sleep, work sleep, and that is all. This from the Romeo of young men since he was 13 years old. I think the last one he was positive to be trusted, to find out she was writing one of his friends, I think that nine years turned him off relationships. Word salad for today. Alive, not hurting any more than usual, but alone, trying to get used to that. (Definitely for the best) for all of us. Friends dropping right and left, I think that is where the depression comes in. One friend had very dangerous surgery the first week in September. She lives in Wisconsin. I have not heard from her, don't know if that is good or bad. Guess it is life as we know it when you hit 79.

I have spent so many years in psychotherapy, they'd all want to give me antidepressants, been there, done that, and I cannot make this tremor worse. I already hit too many wrong keys typing, and that is when I'm calm. I don't have but one more thing to do, and I'm not in any hurry to rush it. I would like to be hypnotized into thinking I was just happy. Do not want a pill.

I don't fight. I'm too old. But, I would fight to the death for my family. I'm sure Kelli did not think to call the police, I'm sure she saw the threat and met it head first. Knew she could not fight the man. Why was he so angry? Because she honked back? He followed her to another shopping center. I'm sure the police were called. Kelli is still taking the radioactive iodine, they are afraid to operate on her thyroid because it is so vascular and she has the bleeding disorder. She goes tomorrow to doc and has put off two appointments moving. She takes too much on herself and that scares me. We all seem to be under some cloud of oppression of some sort and I don't understand all this political crap. We are having so many natural disasters. Love you all. I guess I have just given in to the chronic depression. Sometimes I dig the hole too deep to crawl out of. Gotta quit doing that.

Shreveport has been having so many drive by shootings, murders, in a certain part of the city that covers many blocks, many miles. Kelli drives a smaller car, like I do, and when we park and the bigger trucks and SUV's park on the sides of us, we have to inch our way out into the driving aisles at stores like Wal-Mart. Mine is a smaller town Walmart, her Walmart is a bigger city Walmart. She inched out (bright yellow car) and almost got run over by a big SUV who sat on his horn. So, she honked back. He was so angry he followed her over to Lowes and confronted her outside his car. Kelli does not take confrontations. She is a fighter if you push her. She could not fight him, so told his wife to "come get it." His wife started out and Kelli told her, "I guarantee, you don't want to do this." The woman sat down and he drove off in a fast huff, was going too fast all the time. Not five minutes later he piled into a woman and her child in the front seat. Kelli got the woman's car on video and he destroyed it. Do not know if anyone was hurt. She was so shook up. It was not in Lowe's parking lot, he had gone back into Walmart, too fast. You never know when they are going to pull guns either. I hope the woman and her child were not hurt. Kelli went home.

I don't know Gwen, maybe it is living alone. I get the strange feeling with my back to the rest of the apartment that someone is with me. Then that feeling goes away. Perhaps this is some stage I've never had to face. I think my biggest problem is "fear." I have deep compassion for you all enduring pain. I do have that box with my fan on it that says "random crap" and yet I won't open it. My kid's health worries me. Somehow I think it is the chronic depression and I feel so insignificant. I wrote a lot, deleted it. It is like that big plastic box with "random crap" written on the top. I have to open up. I will. My, probably best friend, was just diagnosed with cancer of her salivary glands and spread and the doc scheduled her surgery for October ??. She told her "who said I was going to have surgery?" The doc left aggravated. She asked me if I was afraid to die. I think I am more afraid of fear. Another classmate put in hospice. He put himself there. I will gather myself together, I hope, and try to write what I feel. I had written a true "word salad" and that is really a mental description.

For some reason, something has happened to my heart/mind, and I do not answer anything anymore. I don't feel responsible enough to help anyone. I want to help myself, but for some reason, I seem to have lost my way for that too. Cannot explain.

I am also.

My friend and supervisor's family had all passed away. She and her sister had been so close for so long and her sister's life gave into schizophrenia they could not control. My friend had to turn her over to the state as a guardian. Her sister, after awhile had breast cancer. She would not let them treat it. She had some sanity left. Sometimes you have to let go of something you cannot change, and it hurts like hell. I found out after Billy left that I could not handle everything, but damn if I didn't try. I have learned to let go, but it was a devil of a teacher.

Kelli fell and messed up her knee bad. She has Factor VIII which is von Willebrand's and now I think they also call it hemophilia. It looks very bad, a big bruised knot on it too. I know she could get seen at our town's ER immediately. The best I have ever encountered. I messaged my son to keep a watch on her tonight. I do know that mother's stop worrying only after they, themselves, have "gone on." Do you notice I try many synonyms to keep from saying dead or die. I dreaded hearing those words I had typed thousands of time when they put Billy under "palliative care."

Today my sister and I drove across the state line (about 35 miles) to Magnolia to the Walmart my main scripts are kept. I still go to my Arkansas Clinic that I went to for about 23 years. I have a doc in town, but he wants to kill me (although his choice of BP meds was spot on). Now, when I get Xanax they have to take all the information on my driver's license. My insurance would not let me refill it if I was a day earlier than last month. I had the most delightful conversation with a diminutive 85-year old woman that was so cute, and I would have let her in front of me in line except she was in such good shape, she looked like she could wrestle alligators and win, and sometimes I'm not sure my left knee won't throw me down. Guess I need to use a walking stick, but I am dangerous with them and will get one caught between my legs while walking. Need to practice. I have 3-4 of them. Please girls, I hope the pain lets up for all of you who hurt. I love you all too. You are the best pen-pals (computer pals) since I was a teenager and we used snail mail. Better even. Dee, I am a gypsy, although none in my DNA. I am where I will stay (knocking on wood) until I get to be with Billy. Yet, I still have at least seven of the biggest plastic tubs with tops that I have not looked into in soon to be six years. I will tell you I put my new fan (quiet) on top of two stacked boxes. I was tempted to look inside the box. I have them all taped off with duct tape and this box had "RANDOM CRAP" written on it. I fought off the urge though. I didn't look. I used to put stuff together that had to be bought in pieces and fixed. This silly little fan (they took off all the ones I had wanted and now have heaters up.) Anyhow, it said "quiet" and that's mainly all I wanted. I took the 7-8 pieces out, could not find the plastic screw, so I arranged them in the box to take back to store. My granddaughter asked if she could try, I scoffed at her, but sure she could try. I now have the nicest "quiet" comfortable fan at foot of my bed on box of "random crap." I'm not ashamed to give up or not try. I am tired and retired. Really, I am so blessed, if any of my family sees I need help, I don't have to ask. But my friends, I thought being alone was just "being alone." And it is. No "just" in front of it. The older we get we actually understand more and retain it for less time.

Kay, I'm so sorry you and Gwen are going through such physical pain. I'm sorry, my kids are moving into Scott's first home he has owned. I cannot even describe the problems they have had, won't try. I've just been worried so much about all three of them. Granddaughter is settling in nicely and has her first boyfriend. She says he is just a friend that is a boy, won't call him "boyfriend" but they cannot go five minutes without texting. He goes to school and works two part-time jobs so their seeing each other is when they can. I'm afraid my daughter is going to kill herself with the arguing with the movers, mobile home company, she has a lawyer, it has gotten that bad and she had to do without her meds for two days. Can you believe the moving company ran out of gas after loading, in front of their townhouse. Scott did go to doc and his PSA (prostate marker) was normal so I can breathe a little, but Kelli is pushing herself so hard mentally and physically it scares me. That is all that has been on my mind and my sister wanting to quit teaching so we have to find government housing. So, another move and I know she must have 1000 books. So much furniture on top floor. And, I'm still not happy being alone, but prefer it to my granddaughter being stuck in her room with no life. I will get used to it, or I won't. I know doctors are very choicy about the meds they give. Will give a 79-year-old woman with an essential tremor an antidepressant and tell you in time it will help with the anxiety and life in general. It will help because you will be dead. Don't worry about storms much where we live. We get the rivers and bayous flooding and tornadoes, but very seldom does a hurricane bring us more than rain and some wind. We usually have damage but never lost electricity. The people in South Louisiana are in a horrible existence. But, you see it on the news. I was born a couple of miles from the Arkansas line. I now live about 30 miles or less from Arkansas state line in the sorta Northwestern portion of the state. Understand "Ida" made a path of destruction all the way to New York and probably further. Karen, shouldn't it be monsoon season in Arizona? Something needs to be done to put out all the fires in the west. I'm an experienced professional worrier, so sometimes when I'm worried, I'm quieter. Dee, we try to call them our "home" but with all of you, a tent would be a home if our loved one was in it. Until then it is a place to read books, watch TV, eat, and try to stay away from the pandemic. It is good when we can go to sleep at night, but I guess you have to try real hard to plan on the next day. I'm not including those that are in physical pain, my bothers are so small. I'm not going to delete this one. "Hold the dressing."

I've written a lot of times but I reread and delete. All these years I've never been alone. My granddaughter is out of her room, living with her mom and my son and flourishing. I have written so many times I don't remember what I've said, but I know you don't want to give Cymbalta to a 79-year-old woman with worsening essential tremor and tell her the anxiety will go away with the antidepressant. #1, I probably spent more than 20 years on various antidepressants, Prozac the most. I had to sign my name at the bank, they are used to my tremor, they are not used to the tremor on Cymbalta. I know the teller was thinking "just put an X and initial it" because I could not write I was shaking so bad. One pill, long release. Did not take another. This is to take the place of anxiety meds. I know antidepressants and after awhile, the symptoms ease up. Right now I am looking at "quality, not quantity." And folks, my granddaughter was in her room 95% of the time, but I knew she was here. My worse fear was her finding me dead. Now my worse fear is unrelenting fear. All my friends live alone. One lives with the lake lapping at her garage. She has to climb stairs to get to the living quarters. She has lost two husbands and has illness. She lives alone. Y'all live alone. I never have. "Poor me." And the sister situation, nothing is asked of me. She cannot keep working though. Have to find adequate government housing. She probably has 1000 books or more and she is so damn sweet. We will find an adequate housing, probably close to me. She is on oxygen so much. She loves to cook. I won't cook. (No, that is not an answer.) We will find a nice place. She loves being alone. That is why she never married. Teaching is getting too much for her though. Where there is a will there is a way. She does not ask anything of me. I'm through whining. (They won't let me drink wine).

I don't know how careful I can get. Pain killers would lock my colon and they would kill me. Terrible to live in fear. I keep telling myself "quality, not quantity" and we know I have had quantity. My best friend in high school married and moved to Wisconsin. She always was sorta "strange" and I think she could say the same about me, if she thought about it, but she would not think about it. Some people you feel good hearing from them. My fault, I guess, when she got back in touch with me after Billy left, I didn't feel good. She had just lost her husband, must have been her second, because he had kids of his own, like she did. I didn't inquire, but her kids must have either walked away from her or were driven away. Does not matter really. She hated her husband that died. He left all his money to his kids and only left her the townhouse. So, we could not share feelings of grief and it made it hard for me to feel close to her. She is fixing to have a triple bypass with valve replacement, or something serious like that, and she has no one. I cannot feel close to her like I do Gwen, and Gwen and I have never met, but we did share grief, still do. Life is strange sometimes. This is a stupid analogy of strange, but the light went out in my bathroom. It is flat in the ceiling and I have to get the guy who does things around here to change it. It is not like I do not remember my anatomy and I have a light in the little dressing room part of it. The strange thing is, I have two bathrooms and I have never used the one in what was my granddaughter's room. Now why is that? I guess I'm kind of strange too.

But I love word salads, I just can't come up with them when someone I care about hurts. You have my mustard seed prayers. I know he hears me, he just has to make my heart feel it. My heart is with you and I hate the pain you suffer.

I think we have all been waiting. I'm sorry so much pain. No words come. Wish we could be there to help.

Please, when anyone hears from Gwen, please let us know, and your home situation too Kay. Thank you.

Thanks for the BD wishes. I have felt the effects from the antidepressant all today until a couple of hours ago.. I shall take no more. Quality of life, not quantity. For my BD my sister and my kids were going to come over but I begged off. Just didn't feel like being around anyone. Did not feel good. I think I have said that 3-4 different ways in four lines. They will come tomorrow. I've never cared for BD celebrating and poor Brianna wants to celebrate one way and Kelli another. She does not like sharing birthdays.. She has had two dates. He is a singer in a band. I sure hope she does not get hurt. She is so nonchalant about it, I'm afraid he might be the one to get hurt. None of my business. But, I think moving in with her mom and Scott was a very good idea. There is a TV show that might have lasted two years. No, I would not have watched it, but did watch it with Bri. It was called "Sense8" and had a catchy song "What's Going On" by "4-Non-Blonds" and I love that song. I've got to admit it is too XX rated for some, but it was a group that could relocate their bodies when any one of them got in trouble. And minus the XX rating, I wished we could do the same, because the hospital would have to run a bunch of us off so we could be with you and help you Gwen. Since it is a Sci-Fi series, none of us have those powers. But our thoughts are right there with you Gwen, on the 18th.

My blood pressure was excellent, also heart rate, but he decided he'd put me on Cymbalta and it would help me lose weight and work on the anxiety. I took antidepressants probably 15-20 years. I do know you "work through" the side effects and back then, in spite of the cancer, I felt I had time to work through them. No problem. I took the one low dose Cymbalta and had to sign something at the bank, could not sign the sheet, should have been an X and someone sign for me. I don't know how long it takes one pill to get out of your body, but I feel ill today also. Yesterday was a shaking fog. Last night was nausea. Years ago I might not have felt this way, but right now I am interested in quality of life that I have, quantity will take care of itself. I will take one Xanax at night, even though my anxiety is at a top level. I'm not frightened, I am shaky in my whole body and still nauseated. I've had my share of antidepressants. No more. Cannot get them (Xanax) in Louisiana so will go back to my 20 year used medical practice twice a year. As long as I am able. This is my birthday, I am 79 years old on this August, Friday the 13th. Gwen, my mustard seed prayers are with you. May not help, but won't hurt. We have to be brave when we just want someone that loves us with us. I'm not sure they would let them in Louisiana. The family I spoke about, Bob died alone, Baptist missionaries their whole life spent teaching God's word. Rain falls on the just and unjust. Daughter with the cancer which she fights constantly has it now and so does mom, at least in her late 80's. They were grown and married when I met them as a child. I know you will feel alone on the 18th, but we are with you mentally and in our hearts.

Well Gwen, I don't think they will let close friends visit. This pandemic made it where my friend could not be with her husband and her family can't be with her. I would love to see my uncle and aunt (in their late 80's) but would not dare go. You take as good of care of Gwen as you can, and let them do the same. There are a lot of sweet people who help us seniors when needed. Sometimes we need them. Yes, I do believe there are Angels among us. My friend completed her nursing degree, over hours for a Bachelor degree. She is alone. She is probably in her 50's now and she is a nurse for hospice. We do still have Angels and I hope you meet only the kindest ones. A deep south blessing and thoughts are with you from me. It is true, wish we lived closer, all of us, but with the pandemic, I doubt if we could give you personal help, I doubt they would let us. My heart is with you. Words don't count for much comfort when you face the lion alone. We love you.

I did remember to. It was true. One year's study linked it to Alzheimer's. Next year's study contradicted that. I'm not going cold turkey, might go cold Christmas, or 4th of July, maybe Flag Day.

Our Seniors Center gets together and those who have no one to help, somehow help is found. I've never had to use them and I think your too young Gwen. They would come and get me with help provided and bring me home. I know about it because Kelli lived in government housing. Everyone had a nurse in Kelli living there, but she burned herself out. think it is run by donations. If I happen to pass by their big center and there are too many cars to count, then I know it is "food day" But, that is mostly for government housing residents. I don't think it would hurt to call and see if maybe as big a city as Seattle might possibly have this for people that have not reached Medicare age, or government assistance age. I know you are afraid. I am facing not being on the Xanax. My doctor won't give them period. I can keep going to Arkansas, but I have got off them before. I have nothing that can be worked on, even the essential tremor is inherited. I'm glad I didn't give it to my kids. My sister didn't get it, but two aunts did. One started so late in life she decided she would not put up with it. Perhaps mine starting in the 6th grade and progressing slowly was easier than for one aunt who had bizarre symptoms, arms waving, etc. She opted out. Just starved herself to death. That, and being in her 80's (still a beauty), she would not accept company. Some came from the church uninvited and everyone knew she was in such distress. Baptists gossip. Yep, they do. I was a little kid listening to Mrs. Strong talk about a relative. "Yes, she lost the baby because she once had an abortion, God's punishment." My aunt knew they would talk. She was vain. She lived by her beauty. She and her sister neither looked even 60 when they died. This essential tremor is inherited and I'm so glad my grandchildren, children, great grandchildren do not have it, but it passed directly to my cousin's son. He is grown now and like me, it is what it is. My doc gave me the best reason to get off, he said it caused dementia. I'm going to google that if I can remember to. Gwen, all we can do is wish you the best. Please try calling some medical centers first, since you don't qualify as a senior. It won't hurt to check it out.

I was so afraid of dying and Brianna finding me. Now I don't have that worry. I hope I just go to sleep and wake up with Billy. I know that you have to be a deep, true believer to imagine what sounds like a fairy tale. As I have quoted so many times, he would say "I am you and you are me" and dammit, that part that is him, it seems a long way away. Oh, I can see that leg, below the knee, where he shot himself in the leg. Actually, it was an accident and failure of a young man to be careful. He placed the shotgun on the fence and was so lucky it just took away the fat pad below his inner leg. If I could just touch it, and I feel like I can. Nothing sexual y'all, just "me being him." And he would always say "Why do you believe like you do?" Of course, I said "Because I have to" and at those times I felt so far away from my religion by my own guilt, it was Billy who brought me back around. "He (Jesus) is the good shepherd, he would leave his 99 sheep for one lost one" and my Billy was studying to be a Methodist minister when something bad happened. I may have said what it was before, but just believing his pride, human pride, is involved, I can't. He does not have human pride anymore. I have to believe like I do, Billy, and know it was like you did too. But sometimes I worry about why I believe. Mama said "don't ever question the Bible" so I have not. And here I am talking about religion. My knees hurt, I stay fairly close to home, I read my Kindle, and I've gotten to where I don't want to see anyone. I saw both of my kids today. I do love. I miss Brianna and I want to cry but then I think "what if she moved back in?" I don't want her hiding from the world in that room of hers. I see some things I am curious about looking into boxes for. That is a big step for me. I'm sorry, word salad, hold the dressing.