Margm

One of the funniest things I can bring to mind about Billy concerns the Dairy Queen Blizzard. That was when I could eat a "turtles" blizzard. He had not seen the commercial where they turn it upside down to show it is so thick. We went through the drive through, ordered, they brought it, turned it upside down and he had both hands out the window just a cursing the person at the window. He was trying to catch and save what he saw as ice cream falling to the ground. I still laugh. Of course it was too thick to fall, but he sure surprised the fellow at the window.

Because of the radiation to her head, Kelli's cornea had something wrong, they put stitches, they dissolved. I am such a coward and as much as I like to read, I know I have to have it done. I'm very afraid. So tired of all kinds of surgery. So tired and frightened.

Marty, in reading this, it brings to mind the many years of health insurance (always with our employer, state insurance) and never changing, letting them make the changes and not questioning, not questioning because we had the ability to buy our private insurance, but enough good sense to stay with "group health" over these many years, since 1959 for Billy, until now with the group retirement insurance. We rode the same horse through many different gates and changes, still not even considering changing. Then Medicare, which my PhD cousin thinks is the most wonderful thing but somehow, when the hospital/doctor/tests/labs charge so much and Medicare will only pay a certain amount, that is why we have to have that second, in our case, and half of "our" is gone, but no change, it pays what Medicare does not. The doctor charges higher, his corporation (the doctor boss) knows to up the cost. So, we pay for Medicare too, but it seems somewhat of a government "hand-out" knowing the doctor is going to over charge. Corporations own our private physicians that paid so much to go to the big schools, that spent so much time learning how to help, only to be controlled by CEO's that do not have half their training, and would be completely lost, CEO/patient vs MD/patient. I know that makes little sense, but all of this makes little sense. And I remember first HMO Cigna, doctors running from this, but it did no good to run. My brother-in-law was dying/did die in the VA Hospital on the morning he was scheduled for a colonoscopy by local physician. In his mail, after he had died, we got information Medicare had paid on his colonoscopy that he never had. I'm sure that happens a lot of times. I think about your dad, my GP Dr. Gray, he even came to my house. He was "family" enough that when he gave me the evil ether to remove my tonsils, he was family enough to slap by bare bottom to stop my fighting when I was 7-years-old. We won't ever see "him" again. So sad. He could even treat my allergy better than the specialist. We miss a lot of people and life.

I'm sorry to say I did not read Marty's post before I wrote. I have two very responsible cousins that are physicians. One has been a noted physician in Chicago for years. One is head of an emergency room. When I first noticed a difference was when the HMO's came into being and something called Cigna happened. My vital physician, he moved to another hospital. I followed him. Then I worked with the specialty that trained urology physicians. It was a teaching hospital. Meetings were held often and I had to type submissions into medical journals by the residents and associate physicians, head of the department, open applications to the program and submit them to the head of the department. I was trained quickly which ones to throw away. The drug companies came giving samples to a "charity" hospital training program. The medicine might have worked wonders, but when the miracle drug ran out of samples, a generic drug as close to helping the problem, had to be used. Eventually a law was passed where it was illegal for these companies to give vacations, gifts, etc., as incentive to prescribe their expensive medication, (no generic.) I worked part-time all those years for three family practice physicians. One physician saw the patient in a caring way, which took more time. He was started being timed. More patients, more money. The notes I typed got shorter and shorter until I could have typed them without them being dictated, if it was legal. It wasn't, of course, but that did not keep one resident that I knew personally to ask me to use one of his old operations as a copy to go by, change names of patients, so he could finish up and leave. This pandemic has put such a strain on all health workers and has taken some life from them, physically and mentally. Their insurance has gone up as protection from patient's legal suits. I've also typed doctors that mentioned patients were people who sued physicians. I have not seen this new "underbelly" of physician abuse. It has been a long time since I have worked for them and changing physicians from my long-time clinic in Arkansas nearly killed me physically. I did delete some of this. Billy used to tell me if I didn't have something to worry about then I'd find something somewhere. True. This pandemic should be enough for me for the time being. "Miles to go before I sleep." RF, thanks. I actually don't know how many miles I have left. I hope its enough.

I'm not sure it started with the pandemic. If you can find a doctor that will listen to you, one that knows how to use a computer, has a competent nurse that will help him, tell him what he cannot remember, then you have to be your own doctor. I, myself, only me, I blame it on computer files. Doctors used to have our history typed out. He could see what was wrong with us, what our complaint was, and it was all in front of him, if he would read it. There are good doctors that take time with their patients (nurses sometimes outside with a time limit of, used to be 15 minutes, and then they had to move on. My daughter was a nurse that had to move her doctor on, and he was a caring doctor that took more than 15 minutes with each patient. With family problems, problems at work, one of the sweetest, caring doc's in the world could not practice medicine the way he was taught and he took his life, at a fairly young age. I'm at the point I have to find one close. My sister thinks the sun rises and sets in hers. She went to a pulmonary doctor, she was worse. She came back to him, she trusted, and he put her on the old medications she was on. She trusts him. Our old family doctors, we don't have them anymore. I'm not saying there are not still good doctors, it just is a fact they have to have some humanity. One of our humanity family practice doctors passed away last week of renal cell carcinoma. So many people lost a caring physician and a family and community lost a hero. His brother was a priest, one I had talked to many years ago when Kelli was abused. They don't approach psych care like they used to and a telephone call asking the same questions, giving medicine before you see the patient, that medicine dragging them down worse is what I'm facing with a family member right now. And Scott with blood in his urine, other problems that indicate prostate problems, it is a VA doctor and he will see them again in July. Most of Brianna's problems stem from hypothyroidism from a young age and I'm sure the drugs and liquor her bio-mom had. I cannot get her the attention she needs. It hurts my heart for so many of us elders and so many young people cannot find someone to listen. I do not know what to make of this world. I worry constantly.

Karen, whatever we did, however we lived, we cannot go back and change a thing. My dad was 65 when he passed and his little mama, my precious angel Mammaw, her little mind left slowly after that and she never was a Hellraiser, so she just quietly sat and lost her little mind. She ate, she drank, but she never was there like she was. One of my young cousins that is my son's age, he grew up with her like I did. He told me that "Memaw" (they called her different than me), he said she never was the same. A sweeter Angel I have never met. She finally had a stroke in her 90's and her last words to me were "I've had a hard time." And, she had not talked much since my dad had left. My two have pulled through some tight times, but I had Billy. I don't now and all I can do is worry. I went to the grief thing (like the one that Kay helped with at her church), here at the Baptist Church. I left each night crying so hard that after three times I could not go back. Losing a husband is very hard. A child, no matter how old, I think a part of you just withers away and I pray I go before mine. But, Billy was so calm, so laid back, never anxious, I knew he would outlive us all. No words can be said that will give any solace to some things. My heart is with you today and every day. But, we cannot go back and do a thing different. Just no words.

Million dollar question. When Scott started coughing, I told him it was the Lisinopril. Doc changed it. It did me the same way, but that is one of the main causes people get off it. I had the "privilege" of typing all these side effects to medications and that is probably the most common one for lisinopril. But then again, the symptoms do not happen to everyone. Really, when I saw one side effect of penicillin was a "black hairy tongue" it didn't bother me, I could not take it anyhow. After 43 years of typing symptoms/side effects, one New Mexico hospital had a side effect to an antibiotic of a "black hairy tongue." That one I will never look for a picture to verify.

I'm sorry Kaye. Kids do not understand. Strange, all of my friends loved my mom. She was a lot of fun with them. She stood on the outside of the groups after church. Women would come talk to her, but my dad was the center of attention and he loved being around people. He was another man when he came home. Perhaps they should have known each other longer than two weeks. Mama may not have used the vulgar words, but she let it be known there was no way she would "sleep" with him, so he married her. That gave rise to the true old saying "marry in haste, repent in leisure." Perhaps it was their unhappiness that made them take their anger out on us. I can say that we may have been whipped often, (only the switches left marks from Mama), and a kid can remember things and it bothers them later in life. There was mental abuse, but I only noticed it after my sister came nine years later. Until then, I was Mama's problem, and she never was mean. She was a very good mother. After the second pregnancy, maybe she was thrown into a lifelong "something." She hated her mother-in-law with a hate I never understood. I watched them and my grandmother was my Angel. No one understood why Mama turned but she did. I will say we never missed a meal, the house was kept up, we were never abandoned. Mama was the hardest worker I have known and so was Daddy. They were two unhappy people, which made for a deep fog to grow up in. But, through it all, I think they both loved us, just did not know what to do with us, and know we held them together through a tumultuous marriage. I know marriage can have "rough rows to hoe" but you need to be friends first and not carried on as a liability. I wish they could have enjoyed life more. We made it through. I cannot say Mama and I were ever best friends, and Gwen, your mom and you were friends and it touched me. You all really touched me in ways I cannot explain. My mom had her many good qualities, and those I have to remember. She never let us do without anything we needed. I envy and praise the fact that you could be friends with your moms. I hope my kids have some good memories too. Well, I found a few words. I mean it, your feelings toward your mom's and your relationships made me cry for all the little girls and their moms, tears of happiness because I felt the love.

Can you believe I can't drag up my words I want to say? You have all touched me to tears. Sometimes mom's didn't even listen to Dr. Spock. We did the best we could with what we had and so did they. I loved reading about your mom's. I think that is all I can say. My words won't come. I am just so overwhelmed with feelings............we loved and were loved.

I had the smartest, most beautiful, hard working, aggravating Christian mother any child could hope for. It wasn't until many years after I was 10-years-old that I realized something had happened. In those days, you did not go to shrinks. She would have been scared to death because she came from the small country community and place in time that you were put them in the back room, like a prisoner. So, she did the best she could. She did not escape to drink or to pills, she escaped to work and worked so hard that she said some nights she "felt her body sing." After my dad passed away she worked even harder. I have to mention, I knew what she meant about "feeling her body sing" because I think only two days in my life I have worked that hard, but I felt strange, sort of vibrations all over my body and sleep came fast. In the nearly five years she has been gone, and she left long before she died. Alzheimer's is cruel, but that brain of hers was so "alive" it took that spark a long time to go out. In those years I have come to a peace I never had since I was 10 years old. My folks were not really mean, they just neither should have been parents. But they were, and my sister and I have the memories that are not harmful to our body, but they did affect our life without meaning to. At that time Willie had not written his album "Red Headed Stranger" and Mama would always look at me like I was that red headed stranger. My sister and I are so different, but bless her heart, I'm all she has, and I love her too, although she is hard for the other relatives to get to know. She is kind of an old fashioned college teacher, and she expects the best from her students. She is always bringing me presents and I love her. The other family problems are ongoing, without mentioning them. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday even if it is just remembering our mothers. I don't write as much as I used to. Sometimes, like all of us, we face a pandemic world we are not sure how to live in. I have become more agoraphobic, and that is not good. I have a fear, nameless, of just about everything. I have to find a doctor around here close, it is necessary. But, I will have to find one who will listen to me, and I don't know if they make that kind anymore. I'm seen twice a year at my Arkansas doc, had that clinic for 23 years, but cannot go 175 miles for minor or even large things. In the meantime, I have four others that I have to worry about. My daughter is still the Energizer Bunny. Her health slows her down sometimes and she will sleep almost two days but wakes up and makes herself go. My sister is on daytime oxygen too. I know she has fear also. My son will wait till July to go back to doc, and I hope that gives him time. He won't listen to me otherwise. Neither would my dad listen to anyone, nor Billy. My shaking makes me have to go back and correct so much. I'm going to put a few pictures of my mom and hugs to you all, if you are not a mother, you had one. Love you all. They are Mama with Grandma sitting, me and Kelli, Mama and me, my sister, me and Mama, Mama and me again, and still beautiful Mama years after my dad had passed away.

That has to be the most helpless feeling. You mentioned someone was with him. You ought to be able to talk to someone, even if he is not a child, he is still your child. Please let us know.

"Grace and Frankie" made me laugh out loud at a time I thought I never would again. Sometimes Bri and I will get on a series (I don't watch as much TV anymore, I read, while I can.) and that series we will sit through two nights of the whole series, and it won't return for a few months. Most times they leave on a cliff hanger and I wonder if I will live to see the follow-up. This new one "Shadow and Bone" we watched the whole first season in a couple of days. I kept wanting to leave it, did not understand it, the time period I could not figure out, and come to find out, it is a series of teenager-young adult books. Kind of like "The Hunger Games." I don't really care to see the next season. I understand my mysteries and biographies (books). I have the biography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg on my Kindle. RBG had approved it, so I'm good with that. A lawyer critiqued her autobiography and said there were times he didn't understand it. I'm not going to chance herniating my brain. I like it sweet and simple and funny helps too. I love mystery and I do read the end of the book if I have to sleep and no way I can finish the book. Mama did that and my grandma. Inherited irony. (I go back and finish the book). Not much related to grief. I have found that there are many things I avoid about thoughts, pictures of Billy. Actually, my son does the same, even to not wanting to wear any of his new coats. My daughter grieves so different. She looks it straight in the face and loves. My mom has been gone since August 2016. I have never cried, not even closing her eyes as she passed. Kelli took a phone video of Mama one time when she was taking care of her, Mama was sitting up eating. I watched about two minutes or less, but it broke through and I cried and cried. But, it has not changed me. I still avoid things she looks right in the face with. Maybe it was her training and being a nurse. Maybe she is just different. I'm proud of her, but I cannot change. I have fixed a path that I walk and have been able to look at pictures some. Now, I have, after nearly five years, let my feelings out about my mom. And I still am not sure how I feel. No worse.

Guess we cannot expect more in this time of pandemic, and I actually love them going against the same old things. Frances McDormand's dress could have come from vintage ancient sleeping gowns, but I love her "I don't care" attitude and doubt she wore makeup at all and just had windblown hair. Maybe she slept in the gown and it was bed-hair. I loved the one who wore tennis shoes. That would have been me. Seeing them (in the past) walking those stairs with those high-high heels frightened me. It, of course, because of the times, was a thrown together mess. I have the book "Nomadland" and used to be a nomad in a nice RV. I always liked the roughing it part (as long as Billy was with me) and would not do it at all now. Kelli has my nomad blood (although it is Scotch/Irish) and wants to travel similar but think this movie made her depressed. Some people live like that because they want to. Some because they have to. The book was sad to me.

I never know about these storms. I have to get out in the car to see all the limbs down, then I know and am thankful so far it has not taken the top floor off the apartments. They have been here a long time. I am sort of enclosed on first floor, not facing parking lot on the side. I hear it falling off the patio above, flowing into my patio (which I don't use). Kelli's best friend has me a table painted purple and has sent the lawn chairs, so I guess I have to maybe figure out how to open the patio sliding door anyhow. These are perilous times for everything. Just saw where one company recalled everything they put out because of salmonella. Walmart has started putting checkers back, at least ever so often. Gosh knows I have written corporation and complained enough. Not hard if you get just a few items, but these people sitting in the scooters, having to lean and bend with just shopping is hard enough. My friends tell me to have them deliver. I'm not that bad off YET, I want to look at things and pick out what I want. Then, I never thought about it and took a few minutes to figure it out. We get regular flu shots in hopes that strain of flu that runs each year is cured by that shot before it begins. Then I read they were worried about a double flu season starting, I had to sit and think hard on what they meant. Y'all take care and keep trying to dodge whatever is aimed at you. I guess the way things are going now, that means bullets too. Kay, living far out might be inconvenient but in some of Shreveport's neighborhoods, I keep wanting to tell them to put their kids in the back bedroom. They shoot randomly into houses, no reason,, just drive by shooting. Crazy world.

Oh gosh Gwen. I just erased some of the most depressing things. I feel better with them gone. I even said the word "die" and I have said that a few times lately. I have tried to say "gone, left" and other words that make it seem he is on vacation. Who knows, he might be enjoying himself lots more than we are. I have my "Chicago" shows saved. Think I will watch them. It is raining and all kinds of warnings for weather. I don't want the hail to break my car windows. (A pharmacy) held Kelli's antibiotics for swelling in her ear canal and doctor had to lance it and give her antibiotics in office. Seems they were backed up 700+ prescriptions and that has got to be criminal. They had to lay off people because of pandemic. Times are unbelievable all over. You take care and listen to yourself sometimes. I actually think sometimes (I don't know when to judge when) we need to take our own advice.

I am human (I am pretty sure of that). I am grateful for Brianna, but I so wish she could have a happy life of her own. She is no bother, is very much company, but we sleep in different shifts. The hypothyroidism, even at its most normal, still causes bodily functions to be "off kilter." At one time she got into Web MD but thankfully, after many negative ER visits she was intelligent enough to quit reading it. I did not have internet, but I had the whole LSU Medical Library and I knew how to find the books I needed. I was reading about cancer and cancer studies so far out of my understanding that Dr. Boyd would tell me each visit I was going to have to quit my research. He was not joking with me. When I read about my kind of cancer in rabbits, I then knew I was so far outside my understanding, it was the last time I visited the library (hooked on to the hospital I retired from). With Google, all you have to do is write in a partial thought and it will find information. Right now she is on no social networks and is terrified if her phone has a number she does not recognize. I want her to have a happy, "normal" life. Until then, the counselor's said don't push her. She is such a delightful, beautiful, intelligent child/woman, and this grandmother thinks she is as near perfect as they come. She could not help it that her bio-mom took all the drugs during pregnancy, but is smart enough to know it did not help her, without putting blame. I do often think of the Robert Frost poem mentioning "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." I do question why/how I am here when I should have been gone in 2014, but instead Billy was taken in 2015. I try to do things as if he was with me and taking care of things as he would have done. I do know he would not live in an apartment, but the 2nd bathroom fan went out, the hot water heater was making my electric bills go up and up and I didn't even open the room the hot water heater is in. I called the office and put in a work order for these to be fixed. These are minor things, but I don't have to worry about them. We are expecting bad storms tonight. It seems the tornadoes seem to follow paths (not a scientific fact on my part, just an opinion) and so far have been able to avoid them while trees are blown down a few miles from me. I am in a "town" of about 11,000, on the northern edge of it, plenty of trees (around the houses in the neighborhood) big vacant field behind us where deer gather sometimes. We are "close" to the major bayou that settlers used for travel and shipments. My ancestors from my mom and dad both settled these three "parishes" with a graveyard of first settlers across from the park. They were my GGGgrandparents. Didn't know them, but somehow feel closer because Billy's ancestors settled the two parishes around me too. So, I'm surrounded with ghosts that speak to me only if I imagine it. None of them have been written in history, although my grandma's weekly columns are kept in the historic section of the parish library next to our parish. Also one part of the family was law enforcement during a dark time. I'm not proud of that at all. Just rattling on with a word salad I have not felt like writing for a long time. Sometimes I see myself, as I'm sure many do the same, as hanging by a tenuous thread. Netflix plays a documentary called "Moving Art" (think that is the name) and I turn it on sometimes to watch, sometimes because the mood music it plays is soothing, no talking, and the program is fascinating to watch, but is also easy to just listen to.

I'm not ever really gone, but there are a lot of times I'm just not here period. No, not self-denying dementia. I check on myself often, Brianna helps keep me up on things, especially TV shows and music, but sometimes I think I could take one of my good books, get lost in it and just stay there, then it is finished. I read till 5:00 a.m. this morning knowing I had to get up at 10:00. So, I definitely got five hours sleep. I've been escaping into books mostly. And I am "happy" my concentration lets me live there for awhile. I've said it before, my grandma said "If I can't see to read, I'd rather be dead" and my little country grandma was taken to the eye doctor, he removed the cataracts and she escaped to her fairyland again. Someone used to fuss at me because I didn't want to see a movie that was sad, they said "that is reality." I told them I lived in reality, if I can escape (without drastic measures), then I will. I feel so blessed to still have the concentration to put myself into "disassociation" I guess getting lost in a book is. Kelli came through with her treatments by mostly sleeping them off. Then the Energizer Bunny is off on a couple of days manic running (she does not drink or do drugs) but loves planting her little patio garden (like my mom loved plants. Still waiting on the counselor for Bri, but her hypothyroidism makes a reason for a lot of her symptoms. She goes to an endocrinologist and her levels come out okay, but I've followed hypothyroidism and know she suffers from the symptoms. My sister worries about me and maybe that keeps her from worrying as much about herself. She will not give up the cigarettes and I don't mention them. I think it would do more damage for her to give them up. She attends AA regularly now that they are meeting again, separated, and has had her COVID shots. We get Bri's Tuesday, Kelli has had hers and unsure if she had trouble from them or the radiation pills she was taking. I have not taken it yet. Yes, I'm afraid for them to do anything for me. When I went in for my six month checkup I don't let them draw blood, just temp and blood pressure. Blood pressure was raised. I have meds. I watch for other signs, have had none. Short of breath, but they find nothing wrong with my breathing/heart, I'm just too overweight for my height. And the pills I take cause weight gain, but I know where this came from. I don't know what this climbing into myself is, but I can only blame stress and pandemic. We live in weird times. I will be relieved for good checkup for Scott, for Bri to understand herself, for Kelli to stay well for awhile and for them all to outlive me. I will borrow from Tom Petty and Billy. "You're a good bunch to ride the river with." I always considered it a compliment when Billy told me I was a good one to ride the river with and he was not into music much, so that must have come from his mountain men books.

Sometimes you lose your link to this group. I saved passwords in a password notebook. Just read what John Travolta said about losing his wife (and probably carried over from losing his son..) I would imagine he tries to keep to himself a lot because famous people seem to gather the attention. I'm not famous. He said this: "Mourning is individual, and experiencing your own journey is what can lead to healing." (I sort of agree with Rose Kennedy on this though, you never heal, you develop scar tissue. People come up to him and try to help him by telling him similar stories of their grief journey. Sometimes we feel like opening up and then for days we will stay in our own little bubble and no one can reach us, not even family. My daughter made a video of taking care of Mama while she had Alzheimer's. There was my mom, trying to feed herself and Kelli (trained to take care of elderly people) being so sweet to my mom, had cooked her dinner and there was my mom muttering words, still able to feed herself, and I had not cried since Mama left. I had closed her eyes and she had just passed. I told her to tell Billy I was sorry I was not holding him. I finally cried and realized that some people go into their grief wide open and some of us try to hide from it. I go to bed each night and I feel like I'm probably losing ground each day. Can still walk, I am slow, but I can get around. The shaking has gotten worse. I have my sister insisting I go to doctor but what will I tell him? All I can tell him is I have hurts, aches, I'm overweight (and he can see that), I get short of breath. He cannot add medications. I get on my "stepper" for about 30 minutes every day which emphasizes I probably hurt my knee pretty bad in one of my two falls over the past few years. Not complete falls, just to my knees. The weight on my knees certainly did not help them. Do I go for surgery? I don't think so, pain killers could really kill me. I go twice a year but a doctor that is 175 miles away is not convenient if I have an earache or other ache. Really, I cannot be fixed. I have been helped on this forum very much, but it really comes down to it being your own path and no one can walk it but you. It is nice to "hold hands" with words during this pandemic, hold hands and let that other person walk their own path, they sure can't walk ours, and in reality, would not want to. Still lots of things going on here. I hope I have talked my son into going to doctor sooner rather than later. I think of you all often. Chronic depression takes over me sometimes. I had it "before" and will have it forever, my own "black dog" like Churchill took around with him. "I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand back and, if possible, get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation." Winston Churchill I've found our group again, am not good with computers, but if I save an old post, I can find it again. I talk on FB, I read books, and I will return and see my friends. Have to run again to "city" today. Happens often. Anxiety takes over and I have to beg "Please Jesus, give me courage, please Billy help me." Still have to face things but this pandemic has made me sort of crawl into myself. Will save this and find it again so I can find my way back.

You were allowed to make your own choice. I'm glad you chose faith. I was at church constantly, my only "outings" were to church socials. I'm thankful that they raised me this way. "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it". Proverbs 22:6. It does not always work that way. I resented being made to go even when I was ill and also as a small church's deacon's daughter I had to get up in the pulpit so frightened I did not know what I was reading. I learned that pushing a child to do something that frightens them does not make them better at it, some children it nearly destroys. My dad believed because his anxiety was laid low by getting up and pushing himself, the same did not work for me. I learned to "crawl into myself" which was not good. Different things work for different people. I was different. But it taught me many things.

I'm sorry. The trauma we have seen is not something I wanted to bring back. I have to wave it away a lot of times, otherwise I cry and cry and still cannot help things.

I have a lot of trouble with my faith also Gwen. I keep crosses all over the house, seven in front of my "necessity" for necessary reasons, and I keep remembering Billy asking me "why do you believe like you do?" I always said "Because I have to" and that was good enough for him. He had wanted at one time to be a Methodist minister, and he knew the Bible. He kept me from going down to the Holiday Inn bar right before we were to get my cancer results. I felt so alone. Then he told me about the one sheep and the shepherd leaving his 99 to look after that one. I didn't get any liquor for my anxiety. Billy took care of me. Also, religion and the unknown, knowing I was doing wrong, and would I see Billy if I took the 50 morphine. I am not a wonderful Christian, I have broke all the 10 commandments except killing someone (which I would be doing) and wanting anything my neighbors had. I don't know what is waiting. I sure am going to keep believing as hard as I can, at least I have that possibility where nothing but dark awaiting me, and not caring,, that is why I believe. I have to.

I went to your blog Marty and first thing I put my mouse on was by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I am a strange person, but some people I won't read, just as I won't write my daily "getting better, getting worse" words in a journal. I have missed Billy so much, and his brother also. Billy took care of him at the end, and we both hurt together. I randomly pointed to this by Kubler-Ross. Some things, like I said, I stay away from, for my own strange reasons. Today, Sunday,, April 11th, 2021, what she said made me feel better, again, in some strange (I need to look up synonyms for that word) way. "But at the time of transition, your guides, your guardian angels, people whom you have loved and who have passed on before you, will be there to help you. We have verified this beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I say this as a scientist. There will always be someone to help you with this transition." ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross If Lonnie and his two best friends throughout life, Danny and Greg, were there to meet him, my Aunt Rubye, our folks, he is definitely not alone. Now, I do have some wariness that his three former girlfriends, I would just be grateful if they were on the other side of the River Jordan.

Did I read that at one time Mitch had his own "blog?"

I know we have no choice. I just do not want to have my kids take care of me for so long, like my mom. They will do it and not show that I bother them, but that is my biggest problem.

Can't deny we are family. And, in the roughest conditions, the hardest grief, I do believe we can help people who have suffered our loss, we can help if by no other way than to show them we are still standing. I miss Cookie. I think Cookie was ready to "move on" though, and even though we have moved on, sometimes we still stand bolted to the floor, but those bolts can be removed. We suffer for a day, and sometimes a day has more than 24 hours. I dreamed last night I had Alzheimer's. I still know all my people though. I think seeing my mama go through it scares me. I have found things I've repeated on here though, so "elderly habits" have hit me.