Margm

We have such a large amount of ice under this snow I put one foot on it and it slid around. So, i will stay inside a couple of more days. I might have to cut up old towels. We are out of paper towels and I cannot convince Bri to use soda for toothpaste. We used to use it. I don't know how much more toilet paper we have but that might get me out of the house in a couple of days. Supposed to be up close to 70 sometimes real soon. Hope y'all are warm. The people in Texas are having a hard time. Our largest hospital ran out of water and heat was not working. We are not having a Mardi Gras good time down here. I'm just not used to these conditions (I tell myself) and I really mean I am not used to them by myself. We had it snow nearly every year in Arkansas and snow ice cream was Billy's favorite ice cream with condensed milk. I won't even make it again. Going to bed. Stay warm.

Love the house Kevin. Beautiful. Someone just quoted 12 inches snow for us here. We can handle floods, tornadoes, insect invasion, but I'm not sure about 12 inches of snow. One thing about Louisiana, one day it is flip flops, next day Croc's, then sneakers, now none of us have snow shoes. Every store ran out of propane in both parishes. It will come one day, supposed to be down to 4 degrees or lower and then it will be up to 70 the next day.................but SNOW???? It was every year up in Arkansas and looked forward to making Billy snow ice cream, but won't do that again.

Kevin and all other "northern" folks: We are expected (one report) six inches of snow. I have not had a winter like we had in Arkansas since 2015. I've got to go put up some curtains in Brianna's room that are supposed to make it warmer, but think I am going to take duct tape first and go all around the windows. Her room (I thought I was being nice) and gave her the biggest room, biggest closet and bath to herself. It is so much colder than the rest of the house though. I hope this will help. Nothing new going on here. Valentine's day tomorrow. Sister and Kelli and Scott all bought us stuff but I spent the last of my money on curtains and curtain holder. I'm not much on giving, I guess. I will send valentines on FB tomorrow. Enough said about the valentines. Hope everyone is coping. I sometimes think it must be like being in a sort of prison and you make a scratch in the rock to count off the days. Can't really do that.

It is 49 degrees and supposed to get colder. It is raining in this bayou-pine hill part of Louisiana.

I do have to admit, they make them in gummy bears (I don't know how they make food using it), and I ate the ear off a gummy bear thinking it might help me sleep. Brianna (who would not touch drugs) watched over me all night. No, I did not sleep until about 6:00 a.m. I did look on the wall and either saw horses running or trees. I cannot remember which. I know Brianna still laughs about it, but I eat my gummy bear vitamin E and gummy orange slices vitamin C and that is all the gummy bears I will ever eat again. My nephew smoked one years ago, felt very strange and went and sat in the waiting room of the ER. Did not sign in...........just in case he needed them.

From what I gather (from expert I won't name) it makes you want to eat more. These short legs have enough pain from carrying around this bucket of lard body, plus my pain from trying to inhale a real cigarette, I think I'll stick to Xanax occasionally.. Just me. No criticism for those it helps. Scott has even smoked with Willie when he was a DJ (Scott). He cannot have it now as VA does periodic drug checks. He misses it, I think.

Kay, you are so enterprising. If it does not have that written on it in the frozen food aisle, we get what we get. Unfortunately, my grandchildren will never be able to talk about this grandma's food. Gotta be written on the box or come from the deli. Learned that working 2-3 jobs. (But I loved my "work")

My boxes sorta hug me into a portion of the room and I feel like I'm in the RV again. Brianna hates them, says I'm a hoarder. She says all that they have are papers. Yet, when I open them it is like I just remember Billy being gone. Cannot explain it.. I do know it is not real but my heart doesn't.

Dee, did you ever get moved into your new home? I need to go back and read a lot I've missed, but I just don't like to go back on anything.. I kept the diary for awhile and it broke my heart each time I "went back." We have talked about being able to lay in different positions on the bed and I did have to "go back" in my thinking. I don't like doctors. (of course I like your dad Marty, and my old GP, Dr. Gray). Gosh only knows typing every dialect imaginable for 43 years might have something to do with it, but mainly two docs telling me there was nothing else that could be done for me, that makes me only care to go twice a year and get four med refills and leave the rest alone. Just hope and pray I don't fall and break something. So far being so close to the ground, having a fluffy behind, they have done okay. I do have to grab walls ever so often and as long as I am pushing shopping cart, I am okay. Got to thinking though, for years now, longer than the colon rupture, I have had to reposition myself in bed from just pain all over my body. I woulld pick up manually, my hips, and that was a job in itself. It has happened once since being in this apartment (It was one year in November). My transcription mind said "it is like a poisoning in my synovial fluid." Do I know for sure what synovial fluid is? I used to, and could google it, but I won't. Doc would only give meds. I don't need foreign med on my makeshift insides. (I've had to go back four times to remove double or triple letters in my shaky typing). If I miss any, just consider it is me.

Never on my belly, can lay either side, but I have at least four fluffy pillows and can lay on my back. Brianna says why so many pillows. I said my boobs fall upward and suffocate me. She got a kick out of that, didn't believe me. Always has been that way. My friend said hers falls under each arm. Now, that would bother me. I like my four pillows.

Now that is funny and the truth.

Dee, I needed that. I'm afraid I don't carry mine so easy all the time. When I wear my necklaces, I wear one with a mustard seed, and sometimes it is no bigger than that. But, I do know what they say about even that small a faith, I can still move mountains. I wish I could.

And this is what I think of all of you. Not gonna lie, I've had some paranoia (I call it), and somehow I pulled inside myself. No reason, maybe start of dementia. Last night I gave Bri my debit card to order Domino's, took my billfold back and my card was not in it (of course). I asked her if I had just given her my card. Well of course I did, how was she ordering her pizza? I had already eaten. But, I got anxiety because the card was not in there and I had just handed it to her. Most of my forgetfulness is stuff I have done all my life, but this scared me a little. I do talk to myself a lot, which is nothing new because I talk to Billy a lot still. But things like "you know you can do this, you've done it so many times before. Of course, we are not living in normal times. I wish some one like Jonas Salk could come forward and say "I have a vaccine for all the forms of this COVID and the new fungus and new bacteria that are both resistant to treatment." I get angry. I wear a three ply mask and should have a five ply and then all of these stupid people are making some kind of political statement like this is just a government joke. And they are all white people. I do my best to protect them, but it needs to be mandated. It has it written on the doors "masks required" and the idiots think they are immune. Until they aren't. If they only knew how much anxiety I get and cannot breathe just because I know the mask is on. Just my own phobia. Bri does not have any trouble and I cannot admit to having trouble, I pull it down in the parking area. And our scientists are supposed to be so advanced. I believe they are too, this is just something no one even imagined. I'm not "wired" like all of you are. I already have what Scott calls a palsy, it is an essential tremor, but when the earth shakes in California they don't call it "just an earthquake." He won't take the vaccine because he has heard some people have had a shaking palsy from it and it would mess his art up forever. He was lucky he didn't inherit my family's essential tremor or his uncle and great grandfather's Parkinsonism. I've some more things bothering me, family things I actually cannot talk about. Maybe later. Just all y'all stay well.

Through a blind date planned weeks before and talked on the phone many times. I was always busy and he told me I didn't know what I was missing. I figured I did know. I had a friend take me to meet him, didn't want him coming to my house. The friend was a guy, just a friend, that happens sometimes. Billy was livid, expected, but wow! a Steve McQueen lookalike. I could stand under his outstretched arms. Wonderful full encapsulated hugs. Sent my friend home. I miss those hugs. I cannot believe I cannot reach up and touch those high cheekbones. I can see them, I can feel them, they are really not there, but they are memorized.

No one in their right mind. Do you see many people in their "right mind" lately? Of course, I have only analyzed other people this last five years, before that analyzing myself was my biggest job, and my kids, and Billy, and Brianna. Now I have some roadblocks to analyzing anything.

I have no idea what to think of this time in life. (I just ate some chocolate ice cream), so I might be able to tell you what hell is in the next few hours. Of course, I know not to eat it. I do not know what to think of people, my friends, some are still friends, but I have learned they are not nearly as smart as I thought they were. We have activists everywhere. They just elected a woman to congress who thinks 9/11 was false, we have not walked on the moon, and she is a voiced white supremist. One poor woman of another race moved her office somewhere away from this woman. She does not believe the school killings ever happened. We have kids put on the ground with one 6-7 year old wanting her mama. They break into the white house, kill people, destroy history and yet "there are good people on both sides. I belonged to a missionary Baptist Church that preached fire and brimstone so hard that I definitely was going to wait until most people cleared out of the church before I left.. We have a pandemic that is branching out into fungus and bacteria resistant to treatment. And you don't have to wonder why I read and watch documentaries and cartoons instead of the news. They have let a wild woman into the white house and everybody knows she is. No one does anything about it because no one knows what they are doing anyhow. But, that has been going on for years now, and it was the type of life my friends liked. They would be most happy if we were all zipped back into the 1950's and early 60's. Safest to stay in the house anyhow, a lot of nutty people out there. All I can think about is Sodom and Gomorrah so I am not going to look behind me, either at the footsteps I hear or anything that will turn me into a pillar of salt. This is probably some politics with religion thrown in. I'm in the process of making a shiny foil hat to pick up signals from somewhere. Never paid attention to anything this crazy in 78 years, but my mom. You almost could get used to her though. Most of this is done "tongue in cheek" so don't worry about me. No crazier than usual except eating that chocolate.

Ever think that the "judgement" might sometimes just be envy? They may say it sarcastically, but maybe inside they are wishing they could have control of their own time.

I think I have said this, all I have really seen are the white people without them. I think they are trying to make a political statement. Those statements won't protect them when they are dying. They will die alone, just like the ones that go now. But, I was no help to Billy by being there either.

Why in this world is it anyone's business what hours we live? I chastise myself for watching that damn "Broadchurch" on Netflix into the daylight nearly only because it takes away from my reading time. Only, each episode ends on a cliffhanger and you have to watch the next. Book is forgotten. It is actually only things, time restraints we place on ourselves. We are our own boss it seems. Who do we have to live up to? My kids have always been vampires and my granddaughter is the same. That is why Scott works 11-7 at VA, he used to walk the streets at 4:00 a.m. because he could not sleep. I was so afraid he would be stopped by police for just walking the streets at that time. Never was until he was in Alaska and did that one time.

I don't read the statistics. I would imagine that Louisiana has a very large number. This is my state, this is my country, two big bayou's divide my life.. My mom's folks all lived around and beyond what they call Bodcau bottoms and bayou. Actually, both granddads on both sides lived on and beyond Dorcheat Bayou. Probably all Native American names. (I so very much wanted Native American DNA, but it was all Scotch/Irish and a little Scandinavian). Living so close to the mosquitoes and other things, I am sure malaria and/or yellow fever was prominent. The humidity and heat on any day of the year is tropical. Sometimes when we have winter, it is "bone cold" winter. Below are pictures of my life. Fishing on Dorcheat Bayou and my country grandma's country store. On a crossroads, like a 7-11 store, the only one for miles and miles around. (Farm people even more scattered now than it was then.) Dorcheat is still there, but pine trees grow in a crop where the store used to be. I miss that early life. To think we are spending our final years penned in a house with only being allowed out with masks. Life is a joke sometimes, but it also was a magazine. Talked to my sister and daughter. My sister is a trooper. Never married. Plenty of chances, she won beauty contests. She was a genius in all the schools, but common sense eluded her. I told her when I was first married Billy would not let me see my old friends and she said "See, that is why I'm not married." Well, where was I to go. He apologized in later years for his mental cruelty, but by that time it was only the period at the end of the sentence. I think we are strong women and men. (Gotta include men). I did not make things easy for Billy either. In the end, you are left with losing the best friend you ever had or you sometimes have some relief at last. Still, you somehow miss the voice, the every day bother, just plain the life you led. We started out as strangers, in the middle we were not sure if we wanted to continue on, but in the end, I'm glad we did. I think he felt the same, we had a lot of happiness and I miss him.

I wrote somewhere and now I can't find it. Nothing any different with my health. Everything is the same. I think I'm getting paranoid about everything. (Yeah, I know that is not good). My sister was finally put on oxygen, you all will understand numbers better than I do. I hate numbers. Her oxygen saturations fell to into the probably low 80's at night wearing some contraption and they had her oxygen at the door at 8:00 a.m. She said she had been up gasping for breath. Talking about regrets the other night I said our aunt as she got older kept telling the things she regretted not doing. I hate regrets and y'all know my only one is not holding Billy when he reached for me. We do crazy things when life slaps you in the face, or rather death. Nothing I can do about that now. Don't want to lose my kids or sister. Kelli's platelets (she just told me) had fallen, so she will have to be given platelets again. Will have a new counselor for Bri, I hope soon. All of y'all, I hope you are doing the best you can. Gin, I'm so sorry about your brother. I am nine years older than my sister, it was like she was my baby. She said she regretted ever smoking. She goes to AA, life has not been easy for her. Working 29 years in child protection in New Orleans drove her to drink. If I had had to keep my mom I would be dead. I'm selfish and broke the 5th commandment, and a few more. I don't think I ever killed anyone, so that is probably the only one I have not broken. Don't think I ever coveted anything my neighbor had either. Well, I've managed to get out some words. I'm usually going to bed at 5 or 6:00 a.m. either reading or stuck on some TV show.. I hope y'all are staying away from COVID. A woman behind me in Walmart did not have her mask on and we were waiting for the deli. Sorry to say this, but most all of the people that don't wear one are white. I turned around and started wild coughing and that woman left. Really, if you cannot protect me than try to protect yourself. We don't have any mandates. A big sign on the 7-11 (do we still have them?) a store Kelli stops to get her big drink from nearly every day. Small area, 4-5 people and Kelli was the only one who had on a mask. The big sign said masks required. The girl at the register said "see you tomorrow" and Kelli turned around and said, I don't think so, look at the people in front of you without masks, then she left. I'm just as tired of this pandemic as everyone, but people are dropping right and left and it actually is our only defense or protection, and very little of that. Okay, off my soap box. Y'all take care of yourself. And yes, the shaking is worse. Nothing can be done about it though. It's not Parkinson's.

A few family problems. Finding help. I to a Xanax in mid-day. I don't usually do that. I'm okay physically, mentally worried.

Ana, I am so sorry. And, I don't know how to say it in words, because words do not help. My heart is with you, and there are a bunch on here that can give you the empathy you deserve. I just hate you have to go through loss again.

I have not joined any other religion, so I guess I am still Baptist. I'm sorry, I got to see behind the scenes of the deacons getting rid of members they didn't approve of and also my best friend's father was our pastor, and like Trump, he did not want to leave. It was necessary to remove him. I lost my friend because my dad was the one who did this. Two members were very constant visitors and they brought them up before business meeting on Wednesday night and relieved them of our church membership. They were married, just to other people. I think that and Kelli's experience is enough. I definitely know men/women all have feet of clay. I also know if I was those two members brought before the business meeting, I would not have come to the meeting or go to the church again. People are human. We just want them to be humane. Since this pandemic my sleeping time has changed. I sometimes go to sleep around daylight. Brianna has a problem with sleeping at night. She has an appointment with doctor this next week. If she will talk to the doctor, she will possibly find help. Going to sleep at these odd hours, I used to (before the pandemic) bring thoughts into my time before my brain stays still, I would actually write a book, chapter by chapter, in my mind. It would lull me to sleep (with Billy besides me). Since then I depended on Xanax to take me away fast, and it has served me well. Now, trying to go to sleep at 4:00 a.m., my mind goes in places it should not go.. Sometimes, we have to control memories that keep us awake with memories that allow us to go to sleep. I've got to work on this. Music helped for awhile. Book writing has evaporated, won't return. Billy is not beside me. I don't know how that helped. It is that time when your head hits the pillow until sleep takes over. I am going to review meditations, pull them up on my Kindle. Also, will try to go to sleep earlier. I've got to find help for my granddaughter. Her bio-mom's drug taking while she was pregnant did not help this sweet young woman at all. I was looking through old pictures to wish my granddaughter (the 38-year-old one) happy birthday. I have so many pictures and even this long, 5-years, almost four months from that date, the memories still stab like a knife. I hate that feeling. I thought it would disappear eventually.

Ain't it the truth.