Margm

I don't read the statistics. I would imagine that Louisiana has a very large number. This is my state, this is my country, two big bayou's divide my life.. My mom's folks all lived around and beyond what they call Bodcau bottoms and bayou. Actually, both granddads on both sides lived on and beyond Dorcheat Bayou. Probably all Native American names. (I so very much wanted Native American DNA, but it was all Scotch/Irish and a little Scandinavian). Living so close to the mosquitoes and other things, I am sure malaria and/or yellow fever was prominent. The humidity and heat on any day of the year is tropical. Sometimes when we have winter, it is "bone cold" winter. Below are pictures of my life. Fishing on Dorcheat Bayou and my country grandma's country store. On a crossroads, like a 7-11 store, the only one for miles and miles around. (Farm people even more scattered now than it was then.) Dorcheat is still there, but pine trees grow in a crop where the store used to be. I miss that early life. To think we are spending our final years penned in a house with only being allowed out with masks. Life is a joke sometimes, but it also was a magazine. Talked to my sister and daughter. My sister is a trooper. Never married. Plenty of chances, she won beauty contests. She was a genius in all the schools, but common sense eluded her. I told her when I was first married Billy would not let me see my old friends and she said "See, that is why I'm not married." Well, where was I to go. He apologized in later years for his mental cruelty, but by that time it was only the period at the end of the sentence. I think we are strong women and men. (Gotta include men). I did not make things easy for Billy either. In the end, you are left with losing the best friend you ever had or you sometimes have some relief at last. Still, you somehow miss the voice, the every day bother, just plain the life you led. We started out as strangers, in the middle we were not sure if we wanted to continue on, but in the end, I'm glad we did. I think he felt the same, we had a lot of happiness and I miss him.

I wrote somewhere and now I can't find it. Nothing any different with my health. Everything is the same. I think I'm getting paranoid about everything. (Yeah, I know that is not good). My sister was finally put on oxygen, you all will understand numbers better than I do. I hate numbers. Her oxygen saturations fell to into the probably low 80's at night wearing some contraption and they had her oxygen at the door at 8:00 a.m. She said she had been up gasping for breath. Talking about regrets the other night I said our aunt as she got older kept telling the things she regretted not doing. I hate regrets and y'all know my only one is not holding Billy when he reached for me. We do crazy things when life slaps you in the face, or rather death. Nothing I can do about that now. Don't want to lose my kids or sister. Kelli's platelets (she just told me) had fallen, so she will have to be given platelets again. Will have a new counselor for Bri, I hope soon. All of y'all, I hope you are doing the best you can. Gin, I'm so sorry about your brother. I am nine years older than my sister, it was like she was my baby. She said she regretted ever smoking. She goes to AA, life has not been easy for her. Working 29 years in child protection in New Orleans drove her to drink. If I had had to keep my mom I would be dead. I'm selfish and broke the 5th commandment, and a few more. I don't think I ever killed anyone, so that is probably the only one I have not broken. Don't think I ever coveted anything my neighbor had either. Well, I've managed to get out some words. I'm usually going to bed at 5 or 6:00 a.m. either reading or stuck on some TV show.. I hope y'all are staying away from COVID. A woman behind me in Walmart did not have her mask on and we were waiting for the deli. Sorry to say this, but most all of the people that don't wear one are white. I turned around and started wild coughing and that woman left. Really, if you cannot protect me than try to protect yourself. We don't have any mandates. A big sign on the 7-11 (do we still have them?) a store Kelli stops to get her big drink from nearly every day. Small area, 4-5 people and Kelli was the only one who had on a mask. The big sign said masks required. The girl at the register said "see you tomorrow" and Kelli turned around and said, I don't think so, look at the people in front of you without masks, then she left. I'm just as tired of this pandemic as everyone, but people are dropping right and left and it actually is our only defense or protection, and very little of that. Okay, off my soap box. Y'all take care of yourself. And yes, the shaking is worse. Nothing can be done about it though. It's not Parkinson's.

A few family problems. Finding help. I to a Xanax in mid-day. I don't usually do that. I'm okay physically, mentally worried.

Ana, I am so sorry. And, I don't know how to say it in words, because words do not help. My heart is with you, and there are a bunch on here that can give you the empathy you deserve. I just hate you have to go through loss again.

I have not joined any other religion, so I guess I am still Baptist. I'm sorry, I got to see behind the scenes of the deacons getting rid of members they didn't approve of and also my best friend's father was our pastor, and like Trump, he did not want to leave. It was necessary to remove him. I lost my friend because my dad was the one who did this. Two members were very constant visitors and they brought them up before business meeting on Wednesday night and relieved them of our church membership. They were married, just to other people. I think that and Kelli's experience is enough. I definitely know men/women all have feet of clay. I also know if I was those two members brought before the business meeting, I would not have come to the meeting or go to the church again. People are human. We just want them to be humane. Since this pandemic my sleeping time has changed. I sometimes go to sleep around daylight. Brianna has a problem with sleeping at night. She has an appointment with doctor this next week. If she will talk to the doctor, she will possibly find help. Going to sleep at these odd hours, I used to (before the pandemic) bring thoughts into my time before my brain stays still, I would actually write a book, chapter by chapter, in my mind. It would lull me to sleep (with Billy besides me). Since then I depended on Xanax to take me away fast, and it has served me well. Now, trying to go to sleep at 4:00 a.m., my mind goes in places it should not go.. Sometimes, we have to control memories that keep us awake with memories that allow us to go to sleep. I've got to work on this. Music helped for awhile. Book writing has evaporated, won't return. Billy is not beside me. I don't know how that helped. It is that time when your head hits the pillow until sleep takes over. I am going to review meditations, pull them up on my Kindle. Also, will try to go to sleep earlier. I've got to find help for my granddaughter. Her bio-mom's drug taking while she was pregnant did not help this sweet young woman at all. I was looking through old pictures to wish my granddaughter (the 38-year-old one) happy birthday. I have so many pictures and even this long, 5-years, almost four months from that date, the memories still stab like a knife. I hate that feeling. I thought it would disappear eventually.

Ain't it the truth.

The tremor I have had since 6th grade. Puberty probably. My family would have been good for neurologist to study. My dad hid some of his by leading singing and holding the song book, going in time with the music. His writing got unreadable. It is a kind that anxiety will make a person watching get scared. I once tried our weekly dances when I was 17, but in close dances the fellow thought he was getting me excited because the tremble could be felt as nerves reacting. So, I quit that part of socializing. It was only a minor worry then. I worked for neurologists for four years at the big hospital before I transferred out. They told me it was an essential tremor as Parkinson's was not inherited. My grandfather died on by 13th birthday. I think he was 56. It took different forms and my aunts looked like a tardive dyskinesia. Two neurologists assured her it was not Parkinson's. Her sister had it for as long as my dad had it. I think Daddy played guitar to disguise his. Maybe give it an outlet. Typing was my outlet, it actually made me type faster. I got paid by the line, so it was a plus for me. But as I have gotten old, anxiety will throw it out of control and I cannot even dial a phone. It is okay this morning. Actually, I am taking two medications they treat it with already, in the form of my blood pressure pills and Xanax.. My granddad and his brother had it at the same time (Parkinson's) and I retired the first time in 1997. It was in 1997 that they discovered Parkinson's tendency was inherited. When I worked in neurology though, it was diagnosed as an innocent essential tremor (that can become a monster sometimes). It does not hurt, and I just explain that "I shake" when I have to sign anything. It is very quiescent today, so far. No anxiety. I need to go to a neurologist here, but the way going to a doctor is during this pandemic, I'd rather stay home. The grief group I went to at the church (three times) explained to me matter of fact, that there were no men in the grief group because they usually married again. I thought that was just Baptists grouping together the way that Baptists think. I'm sounding criticism of them, but both men who "abused" Kelli were Baptist pastors and I realize all men are not put into a group and all women not put in a group. If you ever saw the movie "Hillbilly Elegy" or read the book, I lost a few friends, I am sure, when I critiqued the book and referred it to people that I've lived around all my life. I said if "you" read it, you might meet yourself. One friend has cut off talking to me much. Most of my other friends I never thought about grouping them into political groups, I hated poly-ticks and did not follow it. I studied presidential and local elections and who can trust someone who voted for Nixon twice because his wife was sweet? I've said it before, all my friends want to live in the year 1960, and I'd like to go back there again sometimes too, but then I remember my supervisor in the 1990's (who I had recommended for the job) and could, because of the years I had worked there. Sweet, capable girl/woman who I shared a cubical with. We handled any problems. We talked about restaurants. Twice she asked "would they let me in?" I ignored it the first time. The second time I looked at her and said "why wouldn't they?" And then it hit me. My good friend had been turned away from restaurants because of her color, and that was against the law. Civil rights hit me right in the face then and in 1963, Sam Cook wrote "A Change is Gonna Come" after being turned away from a chain of motels in Shreveport, Louisiana, where I worked starting in the 1970's. I cannot be like my friends. I have been to the mountain and have made it back down to where we all are now. We are afraid of these people that cause political uprisings and also all the shootings and terror in our streets. I stayed in my bubble of grief, have not emerged completely, and I'm too old to march for a cause. Does no good but incites riots. I will leave this world at a time we don't have peace, and we do have grief. I worry about my family and find my friends are strange animals I don't want to pet anymore. They are the ones who do not wear the masks. At a funeral last week, they made a video of it. They were Kelli's friends. I think he was either in his late 40's or early 50's. The virus had been his cause of death. They had a church service, packed, and "in reference to her husband" the wife requested "no masks." I wonder how many will be sick. I didn't go to my aunt's graveside services because I knew there would be many people there, no mask people. A political statement by "Hillbilly Elegy" people. Long word salad, professing my grief, my anxiety for living in the present, and knowing many of our new grieved were not able to be with their loved ones. I actually know not where I live, in what time period, but know we are not through the worse yet. My dad was born January 1919, the third wave of the Spanish flu had begun. Living away, on a farm, not being around anyone but family helped save themselves. Cup half full or half empty. I think I have one of those collapsible old cups. I am one. Please, if I am repeating myself, just consider the source.

I wrote a long diatribe last night and erased it. It was too long, did not make much sense. We are all, everyone of us and our loved ones and friends, under the same dark cloud of the pandemic and an uncivil war going on everywhere. People doing such strange things that they would take their own life from the notoriety. I don't think I have ever lived under this cloud. I have been with AT&T for about 14 years and when I paid my bill I waited for it to clear the bank. Never did, although the email I saved said I had committed to the following payment. They never took it out and today it was turned off although the final day is the 17th, and I always pay it on the first week. I have my shaking problem and this upset me so I could not type. I could not hold my fingers still long enough to hit the right keys. It progresses each day, month, year, and I am lucky sometimes that I can hit the right keys. Right now I am calm and still I might have double letters, commas, periods, spaces and I go back and correct the spelling. The rest I just leave. This is why my aunt wanted to die, she could no longer control her hands. Hey, I manage to use a large spoon because forks won't work for me. I definitely can hit my mouth. Too many times, I think. I'm sorry we are all under this cloud and Gwen, Kay, and you know the rest of you, I am thinking about you. Right now I am trying to read and stay away from the news as much as possible, but am still drawn to it, perhaps because I cannot believe what I read. And my good Christian friends put through hate that is definitely not becoming to a Christian. But, I'm not supposed to judge. I guess I am more open minded than they are because I have had to be. Kelli used to have a class time for abuse in the parish jail where she was a nurse. Now, it took over 30 years, but hers has been recognized and finally she sees hope for those that are abused by people we are taught to trust. She is preparing to hold meetings for victims of abuse and this gives her some hope that women will be listened to. Not just women, but others that have suffered abuse from people we are supposed to respect. Well I have managed to put together a word salad in spite of the tremor. I do not take to anxiety very well anymore, if I ever did.

I'm sorry to say that some glitch in my brain has separated me from receiving follow-ups in my email. I did actually have to sign back in once. I never can blame these malfunctions to software problems, I know it is my problem.. Brianna will sit behind me sometimes (a few feet away), but can still see what I do. She will say "you need to sign out of that one, hit the "X" and I will hunt for an unseen "X" and sometimes she lovingly loses patience with me. My family have taken themselves off my "family plan" with AT&T that I've had for 14 years. I'm keeping them on this month because my daughter does not do good with other plans. For sure, they all will screw you around a few times and AT&T has done it for 14 years. I added a phone to it and it took me 13 hours of talking to every country in the world that uses English as a second language, to get the job done. Y'all know it is my second language also, "old southern grandmother" is my first language. I admit, the part of the countryside I come from talks different. Laig-leg, eaig-egg, Spranghill-Springhill, syrup is always "surp." and "aint" is ant. We don't all speak that way, mainly me, and my family laughs at me. My son, who served in the navy, did not even have a southern dialect. He did a lot of DJing though. Anyhow, I think I deleted something that shows me when something new comes on to an old post and I have had to rig my own way to get back on. Don't try to explain it to me. You know what they say about blind pigs and acorns. I will do it. Until then, it is status quo here. I am a lot jumpier than usual, not sure why. Lost four or five classmates since April. Kind of like I hear those footsteps behind me but I'm afraid to look. I will get things straightened out eventually. My big problem is special glasses for Brianna and a phone system for me. I want my old flip phone that I just call in and get calls from. My shaky fingers do not allow acrobatics of a smart phone. I have no use for them anyhow. Will be back on soon, as soon as I can figure out my old way of doing it.

I never come here, but I'm glad I did. I am so happy for you and Patty. I guess I get stuck in one rut and forget to turn the wheel. I'm glad the business is doing great too. My good hopes for the both of you and a hug from me for you and Patty.

Sometimes my words come from anger. Then I read it and have to get rid of what I've said. Kind of takes the wind out of my sails and makes me realize I don't know anything about anything. I don't know other people's feelings or really what to do with them. So, thankfully most times I can reread it and get rid of it. I guess I use these blocks to talk to me sometimes. I've already established I repeat things often. Brianna showed me her new blanket last night, Christmas you know, I asked to see it and she told me she had just showed it to me. So, perhaps I have to watch what I say and read it twice. Y'all all are the best. I wish we could all hug again, for the first time.

Sometimes I go back and read what I wrote and think "who made you the specialist" for whatever I am stewing about at that time. Truth is, I'm not a specialist on anything. We all come from different families growing up, some are fortunate and have wonderful parents, some you have to say, well, heck, they had to put up with me and I sure did not live up to their expectations. They did the best they could with what they had. Marriage was an adventure, lots of time I stayed in the boat because I cannot swim. Came too close to leaving it one time mentally and physically, but I'm glad I stayed. I sure miss that imperfect man that was married to the so very imperfect me. I'm not an expert on anything. I am lucky or very blessed to know a lot of people, some are kinfolks, but they are still around, so we must like each other okay. I miss getting out. I fussed about there being so many people in Walmart yesterday. I had to walk from almost the end of one aisle and remember I had parked in aisle 7. I remembered. Then I got to thinking. These are people who have done without for so long that they need the food and staples to plan for hard times ahead. I had forgot about the stimulus check. I hadn't got it yet. I get ashamed of myself sometimes. I forget how blessed I really am.

I'm so sorry Gin. We all know no words seem appropriate. My heart is with you.

I don't think people know what to say. When I was younger (a really lot younger) my friend's husband just did not wake up. Aneurysm, I think. I can remember saying something really terrible to her. She was so sweet. Over the very many years later we became even closer. We wrote long messages to each other. After I lost Billy, I remembered what I had said to her. It was never brought up. I did not think of myself as mean, but what I said was really sarcastic. I regret it so much and she was one of the best friends I ever had. She left us in April, a life unfinished, but I had solace she was with her husband. They were apart the night he died, their last words were an argument, and she never got to say goodbye and it haunted her until death. Two friends remarried. One is a new acquaintance, a middle aged woman, still a young woman. When I first met her, her first husband passed two years before and she had some excitement in her young life. She had met someone. They were married at Christmas (last year) and when I last saw her, she showed me the picture, his wedding picture of only a few short months, as his obituary picture. No words help. I could only repeat "I'm so sorry." My lifelong friend got married three days before Billy and I did. I was at her wedding, Billy was best man. A lifetime later, we had lived many years less than a block from each other, he passed away with cancer. Our kids grew up together and even call her "aunt." They same with her kids talking to me. Two years after he left she remarried and he promptly had a heart attack and she spent over 12 years lovingly taking care of him. Now he is gone, and she grieves both lost mates. The first woman is at work each day, the work on their new place was not finished, so she is finishing it. The second, while she took care of her husband, she ignored signs and symptoms of her illnesses. A stroke has left her with few disabilities, but her heart has left her with many. She forgot to take care of herself. I think that is an easy thing to forget while under that dark heavy depression. And, you really cannot listen to other people. You have to do what feels right for you. I was not supposed to move until a year had gone by, and I had to run. You really cannot run from yourself, but I wanted to. I could not stay in that house we had meant to leave anyhow. It worked for me, it would not for everyone. We approach things the best way we know how with that heavy cloud/fog hanging around our head. Some of my other friends had the idea they could not leave the house they had raised their kids, the house they both had loved.. Billy and I never were homesteaders. We stayed in one place until our kids went to the same school, graduated, we retired, then we hit the road. The road was our home. But, it was not mine alone. So, I ran to a place I felt safest. And actually, not many crazy people do that, but I do not regret it. I had many years though. I have been a lucky/blessed woman, without a man, because after all this time, there could be only one, for me. Other people are young enough to start new life's. I'm not, but I really, honestly do not regret being old. My granddaughter (21) will see a nice looking fellow and say "does he move you?" Well, 20-30 years ago maybe, but that was a long time ago. I still can appreciate seeing a work of art though. That is just me and my experience with two friends. My heart is with them. They suffer perhaps doubly. I'm not experienced, but I hear them, and I'm just so sorry for them. I don't know if you will find answers here or anywhere. I do know you are in a good place, we share feelings, bad days, lots of bad days. We remember good days and we remember someone that left us here alone, not by choice. I thought I would be with him by now. I always have to remember the Robert Frost poem: The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. And somehow, for some reason, I am still here.

So do I Karen. I don't think it magically, or horrifically appeared on January 1st. We wonder how much the government holds back, but I'm not sure I really want to know. Sometimes "ignorance is bliss." Mama used to tell me all the time that "children should be seen and not heard." So, I actually did not know what an opinion was. I looked it up. (I love Google) "The English proverb children should be seen and not heard means that children are allowed to be present during a conversation but should not be allowed to speak unless they are spoken to first." So maybe to the government we are children. I know I have some very mean, opinionated people on my FB, but I have cut down my "friends" to only 108. My sister is very much opinionated democrat. I think I am "apolitical" but do not like comic strip characters running our country. I did vote. I guess this is too political. My son gets off work at 7:00 a.m. He always takes a picture from probably the 7th floor of "Old Glory" and somehow it gives me a lift to see it blowing in the wind, like this morning. He does it for me, but he has developed quite a following and he forgot one day, and people mentioned it.

When my little Mammaw was slowly sinking into dementia, and she took her time. We noticed she kept repeating herself. Mama's was something much worse. I, thinking I knew, thought dementia was the main word for Alzheimer's. When I first started working with the terminology, it was always dementia. Somewhere along the line, it became Alzheimer's and still we had dementia too. I saw Mammaw's, she would repeat something she just said 2-3 times. Her two grown daughters would remind her of it. She was such an Angel, I hated to see her "confused." She would not argue, just sit down in a sort of "confusion" manner, would not say anything else. Mama went into full fledge "mean." Mammaw always knew us but Mama quit knowing us, so we lost her 2-3 years before she really left. Mammaw had a stroke at about 95, and it really affected her, but she still knew me. I go back and read some things I wrote, and I repeat myself often. I can still concentrate on reading, but I see the repetition. As much as I write, I have to repeat myself. It is now 12:01 a.m., 2021. I wish you something akin to happiness, all of you.

I'm sorry Gin. No words help, your on my mind and prayers too.

Each night I stay up later and later. I fret about that. Brianna sleeps daytimes, I try to make it in bed before daylight. I do not like doing this. Where is daylight? I am going to pick up my prescriptions, it is a nice drive to another Walmart. I could have them put at my Walmart, but I drive the country way, no traffic, and enjoy my time. Some of the recommendations in the FB passed around suggestions cannot hurt. I believe in plenty of fluids and sleeping on your side with as much exercise as you feel like doing. And, I just mean walking from room to room. They believe now that for chills you only wear light clothes. I know they have their reasons, but if I have chills, I am going to be wrapped up for as much comfort as I can get. I drink Ensure first thing in the morning, so I don't think the vitamins hurt (vitamin C in large doses is not good), I believe they are washed out in urine in about four hours. They even told me to take vitamin C at the cancer hospital. Gin, sorry about the quarantine, but like Brianna tells me "what did you have planned anyhow?" My daughter is bringing the bottled water to my nephew and his friend and leaving it at their door. They seem okay, but the doctor did give them a Z-Pak and some other things. Know that is for bacteria, but when your weak and sick, other creepy crawlers can attach themselves. Whatever, use common sense. (I am not endowed with much). And Kay, our numbers would not be so bad if the masks were mandated. Some people think their right to do what they want to do is taken away. They quote some article from the constitution. Sometimes I get quotes from some of the old poets mixed up with Bible verses. Okay, I will admit it, I have read the constitution. It did not sink in. I cannot quote you any of it. I hate poly-ticks.

Marty, that is exactly the thing that has been passed around FB. And, I very seldom pass things around but I did this one. It is, of course, best to listen to the doctor or practitioner. But, honestly, sometimes with their overworked schedule, they forget to look at things, forget to tell you things. You hope they do, but I have some friends who are so overworked if they can tell you their names they are doing good. They do all advise you to wear that mask. And, I'm sure I mentioned it, maybe more than once, some people do not believe the "hype" they prefer to call it. I saw an old woman, probably older than me, well dressed, beauty shopped hair, no mask. I tried counting them with no masks and could have counted the masked ones easier. Even saw a "proud boys" tee shirted no mask. One of our new republican politicians was due to take his (whatever they do to make them official) next week. He was 41. First time elected. Two little kids. Toddlers. He was doing better but he had a heart attack at 41. He was very active in maskless (I made a new word) gatherings. I don't know if it would have helped him, but it could not have done him any worse. My proudest Christmas presents were eight new double (able to breath and still stay covered) masks. Billy's nephew (mine too) has it now. He is a heavy smoker, drinker, very overweight, and was expected to get his shot soon, he is high risk. Kelli and Scott slept and stayed hydrated, and walked inside the house, but were quarantined even from each other. They had company downstairs. Kelli is checked often and Scott every night. Last series of enzymes kept Kelli with fever for nearly two weeks (not the COVID), she is clear of that, but they did see an increase in her platelets, so they will do it again and she will be down for two weeks again. We are in for some trouble, I think, and being inside the house may be the safest place. Some of the advice is way out there, but I take the vitamin C and D, and get the Zinc in my Women's vitamins. No problem, they are all gummies and I like gummies. Hopefully the doctor will give you directions, or his nurse, or aide, but most hopefully, none of us get COVID.

Just know your supposed to be hydrated, do not sleep on your back. I have not slept on my stomach probably since having Scott over 58 years ago.. Stay on your side if you cannot your stomach. We got a listing of rules to follow, but you all probably don't care about seeing them. Mainly stay hydrated, on your side, set your clock for every two hours, get up and move around (probably to prevent clots), Tylenol for fever and follow doc's directions. It is not your mama's flu. But, I'm sure my mom would have Vicks salve from my chin to my navel. Also periodic doses of milk of magnesia. Do you know she would give me that stuff in "broken doses" for upset stomach and for what it was made for. My mama believed you visited the bathroom every day. The day my colon burst she entered the hospital with broken shoulders. It said to take vitamin C, Vitamin D, and Zinc. I don't take the Zinc, but it is probably in my Women's vitamins. (All gummy vitamins).

Times have changed. It comes automatically to me to hug someone. We can't do that but each one of you have my frontal hug all the way around to the back. All of you. Please know that there are people that "know" you virtually and love you. My son is afraid he will bring COVID to me and I miss his bear hugs. I talk to him at least once a day. Our motive now is to protect each other by not loving each other closely. My son works some nights on COVID floors. He had the COVID right after starting work at VA and then Kelli had it too. Kelli kept lemonade in the refrigerator, got her shot, I believe of Celestone and slept it off, both of them. I don't know, but I hope they now have what Trump calls "herd immunity" but one of our congressmen, newly voted in, 41 years old, in good health, two little children, a week before being sworn it, he passed away. He was doing better, then a heart attack. Please be careful. I don't know about the shot. You all take care of yourselves, we are all we have.

“The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh I'm sorry, I saw this I had posted from a few years ago. Honestly, I feel this same way.

Yes there is fight. Billy wouldn't let me say I was old, even now. Gwen, your younger than my sister and I worry about her next breath. I take her trash out with my push buggy. She can climb stairs but cannot walk any length without being out of breath. Just learned my nephew has COVID. He is overweight, drinks too much, I suspect alcoholic. Billy's sister's son. His partner has a blood disorder, has to be drained of blood fairly often. Of course I cannot remember the word, poly something. Going back to read my book. Y'all please take care. I will do the same.

Starting out religion. Christmas is supposed to be the birth of Jesus. Some believe, some don't. That is not what this post is about. It has been over five years my "Billy the Kid" has been gone. They piled up presents at my feet. I don't think I even gave presents last year. I gave Brianna my bank card and had her choose presents from her for each member of the family that was present. She did so on-line. Maybe if I ignored it, it would go away. This year we had Christmas at my apartment. We have never gone to a restaurant for Christmas dinner, we waste so much food. I can stand and walk, standing at my cabinet longer than to make coffee is hell on my back. When we had it at Kelli's townhouse, I could leave it behind me. I know how fortunate I am to have my family. Billy and I enabled them, and as said, would do the same thing over again. They think they have to stay close to help me. I have to take care of a sister who thinks she has to take care of me. I do know how "fortunate" I am. I do think if I am still here, I want to exchange gifts ahead of the date, possibly eat out somewhere. All I could see was Billy sitting in his seat on the couch (which I got rid of), and his appreciation and childish happiness at opening gifts. Yes, I know I'm wrong, if anything can be "wrong." Some clothes were given to me by my sister so I will quit wearing my Tee shirts and pocketed pants. I have "dressy" clothes. I am not supposed to go anywhere. My best gift was the roomy masks of all different patterns. Pitiful me. Walmart is not far from my apartment. I have to have comfort. My reason for this post. No anniversary or important date (to me) is as hard as Christmas. Billy was Christmas, even if he was not the reason for the season. With this pandemic, the apartment trash containers are spilling over. I heard a lot of commotion in the apartment next door either yesterday or today. Not voices, just movement in and out. I know the son would almost run if he saw anyone. His mom was very ill. The son took care of her. She has not been out of her apartment since I've been here. The health care workers would come and go. I cannot fix a dish or bring food, there was a sign on the door, no entrance without a mask. The son wanted no non-family or health worker conversation. He was nice, but truly, silently, he wanted no stranger interference or help. It is very quiet now. I fear she has left.. For me, just having that day over with helped. I lost myself in my book, I am still able to concentrate. I am thankful for that. It was daylight before I realized how long I had read. I have a second book continuing this one. When I get over my poly-tickitis, I will read the big biography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I have it on my Kindle. I am mindful of all of you with physical pain and with mental pain of living without our life-partner. I wish so much more for you all for 2021. I am not sure what happiness is anymore, but hearing good platelet counts for my daughter provides a happy/thankful feeling. I saw where my former pastor and his counselor wife live in the Great Smoky Mountains. It is so beautiful, but the first thought that came to my mind after seeing the beauty was could they stand to see that beauty if one left. They are both older than I am. I think our Cookie must live in those mountains. I wish each of you moments of peace. I'm glad Christmas day is over. I'm sorry, sometimes I forget if I have posted something. I will write it and let it sit there. I meant to post this.

Oh my friend, I think I've always been a Grinch without small kids around. I'm not a Christmas person, even before Billy left. It got too commercial with everyone telling what they wanted, having to find it, and I just felt it should still be Santa and surprises.