Margm

I revised my post. No, I have not had COVID, just my regular brain rewiring.

Okay, I have deleted what I wrote. I seem to carry around a bunch of guilt all the time and I acted on it. What all I said, I think I misunderstood, and this is all on me and my weird country brain. I did delete what I said so no one else will mistake what my feelings were. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get things so screwed up. I hope by deleting what I wrote might help. Okay, I'll tell a story, (probably already have told it). My granddad (my dad's dad) gave each of his kids a certain amount of land, legally deeded it to them. Four kids. My mom took the deed down to the bank, small town, everyone knew each other. She wanted to borrow the amount of money the land was worth. She then paid the bank loan off and paid my granddad for the land. He didn't want to take the money, but that was the way she was. She didn't feel like it was hers till she paid for it. They co-signed for our first car and it was paid off ahead of time, by me, but bless their hearts, I never taught my kids the lessons my mom taught me. If I had to do it over again, I would still enable them and our son said we did, and both of us said we would do the same thing all over again.

I just think those seven years of amphetamines and cold turkey withdrawal may have crystalized some basic brain functions. Some times I'm not "just right" even with all those years psychotherapy.

Karen, I cannot imagine living in a more beautiful place than where we lived. The house was built in 1965, but someone had kept it up and made improvements. Everything was fixed so elderly could get out of a tub, hold on while showering, and so many closets and rooms we didn't even use. The surroundings though. I cannot describe like a picture the daffodil wildly growing everywhere, the pink dogwood, the beautiful terrain. All built in hills and valleys where the woods were the foremost things you saw. Someone had a green thumb (not me) and each season the apple trees flowered and I had an orange rose bush that was beautiful. Somehow, I managed to kill the rose bush and the apple trees and after I left the huge, flowering pink dogwood split right down the center and died. There was a lilac bush on the side of the house I never went on and it flourished. My sister bought me a gardenia bonsai bush for the house. Brianna named it Keith. I have managed to kill Keith too. The dogwood went back to its graft and the rest was dead. Without Billy there, that place was just a pretty place for someone else to keep up, not me. I needed to leave while the iris's still bloomed, the spider lilies, and all the other bulbs that had washed downhill to the little stream at the bottom of the hill. Funny, paradise for one person is hell for another. I did not put it on the market. I leased it and now they are having it put in their name. Does not cost me a cent, and I didn't ask for any money for it either. But the Christmas's when I was a child, I remember most of them. Enough that when they told me there was not a Santa Claus I did not believe them. The seven years I was on the amphetamines to keep me awake so I could work at night, I have forgot. I can remember little things over 70 years ago like it was yesterday, but five minutes ago, I cannot remember. And Heaven help me if my system goes astray and I do not put my glasses, phone, keys, purse, etc. in the place it goes. My mind won't remember where I lost them, so that does not happen very often.

Five years later, I am just discovering things I forgot. Not from memory. The fog I was in was too deep to remember that period of time. I was moving and suggested someone had picked up Billy's fly rods that he had wrapped blanks and were crafted by him. He loved doing that. I lost a rod he had wrapped for me falling out of a pirogue many years ago. He had put my name on it and it was purple and gold. I will never fly fish again, did not like fly fishing, but I hated them being picked up by a man that was throwing things in the back of his truck, even a water hose. I could have told him to quit, but I did not have a "mind" at that time. This was a month or so after Billy had left. I mentioned it and my son had got every one of them. He won't fly fish, but my daughter will. When this happens, you are in a black fog that you cannot see or really remember. It does not really clear up to where you remember. My psychiatrist told me sometimes the mind does that as a protection for you and your cognitive function. I call it protection. Some things I have to forget willingly.

My friends (anniversary party) died within a couple of days of each other. Another set of friends also within days of each other. Another acquaintance upon going to the "viewing" passed away in front of her husband's casket. Sounds gory, but all I can think of is the other one did not suffer grief long, if the other ones were conscious. Johnny Cash did not linger around after June Carter passed either, but I can only imagine the pain in those few days. We look at it with horror, and then a sense of relief for both of them in each case. The woman at the electricity office where I had my temp checked before I paid my bill, her with gloves on, she had her plexiglass cover. I admire people for not taking chances. She was an essential worker, and this is our only defense.

Y'all, I paid my rent. Sometimes I just put it in the slot provided by check and sometimes I go in and talk to "her." I moved in here November of last year. Her first husband had passed away three years before but she was getting remarried soon, not sure date. She is about my kids age. Found out today he passed away of cancer in August. They found out about eight weeks before it happened like we found out about Billy's about six weeks. I told her my heart was with her, but no words would help, I was just so sorry. I wonder (my close friend's 2nd husband lasted about 12-14 years,) her taking care of him all the time, heart attack on wedding night. First husband was Billy's friend, she had two girls that call me "aunt" and my kids call her "Aunt" also. We are that close. Her heart had to be operated on, a new valve and then one thing and then another, then a "slight" stroke. She took care of everyone but herself. I know she gets the two husbands mixed up when speaking of them, does that mean she grieves twice as hard. I don't know. She is still sounding okay anyhow. I guess I could say she is in good shape for the shape she is in. And there are always going to be "days" and then more days and more days. Then sometimes you will have a look back into the past, actually thinking you'd never thought of things. And you hadn't, and some things just need to stay forgotten and only good things remembered. Won't happen, but it would be nice if you could self-hypnotize yourself.

So very happy for you Kevin. She looks happy too, so I wish the very best and a long life for you two. And, you can already sing together.

I think that would be a class I might like to study, comparative mythology" although I used to live by fairies, monsters, etc. This is not a joke. I would have a recurring nightmare (not every night, but often,) and would wake up frightened. I did have psychotherapy for 15 years and never thought to mention this oddity. Maybe because I sort of liked it. Our bed was one of the old iron beds with a bottom that had a metal rail on it, smooth brown, rounded. At night I would wake up and various creatures would haunt my dreams. Yes, werewolves, vampires, witches, etc. This happened often until Scott was about four, sleeping between us. The lights from the highway would bounce off our windows in the little subdivision that Billy's uncle built us a little house, the main road did not lead directly into the little enclave. Billy's uncle and cousins lived in the other houses on the outskirts of Longview, TX. Closer to White Oak, TX. Mind you, Billy had soothed me from my nightmares and did not make fun of me. Then one night, I woke with the lights shining through the big window at the foot of our bed and woke Billy telling him I saw three little green men at the foot of our bed. (Leprechauns, I guess). He jumped up and said "wait a minute, I see four of them" and ran to the tool closet and came out with a "crowbar." By this time we both had woke up (He had joined in my nightmare, unconsciously). I had realized it was "one of my nightmares" and he had too and he was so embarrassed. But, that one fear of his joining in cured me of the nightmares forever. I don't know why I had them, too many fairy tales when I was more of a child than I was at that moment in time. Told it to my dad who had one of those infectious laughs that you had to laugh until you cried, just because he could not quit laughing. He did the same thing telling about Billy falling out of the boat when they were fishing once. I miss those two men often.

I keep thinking if we had news in 1918-1919 (year my dad was born) how they would be announcing it. I think they called it the Spanish flu. We once went way up into a mountain, no other towns, road twisted up to the top entrance into the Gila Wilderness. It was a booming little mining town named Mogollon, NM. I guess it is a ghost town, but they still have people carrying on business and living there. Like living on an island in the sky. I went down to their cemetery and they were most all dated 1918 as date of death. Had to have brought it in from Reserve, Glenwood, or Silver City. Wiped them out nearly. We had no money when we were first married and lived from payday to payday all our life. We didn't have any idea how those people lived and died, but we are learning.

Love you Ana, I figured that was one of my old timey country sayings, we have so many. Think they must have it in other countries also. In fact, we may have swiped it.

So sad for the family but I am crying but smiling for the couple. Ironically, I've told this too, the grown son wanted to give an anniversary party for his parents. I cannot remember the number, it was wonderful, in the 60's in number of years. I remember the man was getting out of high school when I first remember him. He was the oldest and his dad was one of three deacons with my dad in this small Missionary Baptist Church. There were, I think, 28 at the party. One of the servers had COVID (and had no symptoms). I think 24 out of the 28 came down with the virus. One man, "in-law" by relation had gone so he could see his great grandchildren, which also were the great grandchildren of the anniversary couple. The "in-law" passed away first, next the anniversary wife, and about 3-4 days later, maybe sooner, the anniversary husband passed. It was their last anniversary and will haunt that son the rest of his life. Some people think it is a hoax for political purposes. Our politics are insane.

I try not to listen to the news. I did tonight, CBS Evening News and talking about COVID and the Thanksgiving numbers, and I don't think those numbers are in yet but it showed the picture of this Michigan couple married for, I think, 47 years. It was said they did everything together and they each died within 60 seconds of the other. Only in this group can we possibly understand and give a thumbs up for both of them.

Agree 100%.

My first (and last) cancer survivor group did not help me, and at that time I could not help them. My group at the church, like the one Kay chaired (I think) had me hysterical when I would leave each one. I was grieving a husband, they were grieving children, and it honestly made my problem seem small compared to theirs. I knew they did not want to be in a meeting grieving lost children, and I think I went three times. Each time I left crying. This group is the only one that has helped me. One on one with a grief counselor that has had 20 years training does not compare to one person who has felt your real feelings. I have not had COVID (and I'm knocking on wood, and hope someone understands that meaning), But, I have had grief, and there are some of you who have nearly drowned in the different forms of grief. We have depression, but it is situational depression that I do not believe a pill will cure/help. We are here, and that is all I can say. I didn't think I was "cured" but I did think I had gone many miles down my path, only to start over again, and perhaps skim along, until I can't.

I have said all along that Billy and I didn't discuss either of us dying. That was a forgotten memory that my sister just reminded me of. We did talk about it. Whichever went first would just take the other's ashes along where ever we went. I just never really thought about it anymore, we were not serious. That would have been serious only if one of us was to die. That was not going to happen. I wished I had talked to my sister before I poured my heart out on here. Sometimes we forget, but yes Billy had to remember because everyone except me thought I was going to die. Sometimes I let my heart get ahead of my brain. My stupid feelings were hurt that he was planning another life. Maybe some guilt because I should have gone first. Sometimes I think I have a handle on it Gwen, sometimes I think I'm doing okay, then some little something does knock the scar tissue off.

Okay, I was feeling let down by Billy. (I've since gone and talked this all out with my sister). Billy was a planner. When we had to help save Scott from the drugs we got "off the road," sold the RV, bought a house in a town where it was known to have a small art community. We moved Scott in with us and he got himself off drugs. No one he knew, not close to where he knew the suppliers. He stayed in the house, in his bedroom with adjoining bath, and he stayed alone for awhile, then he started coming around us, eventually he was clean.. Billy planned. And yes, according to my sister, everyone thought I was dying. Except me.. He and I did not discuss death because death was denied by me, for either of us. Somehow, even 30 years later, if you have had cancer, in the back of your mind you are never clear of it. I remember saying to Billy, "I guess I've had cancer for over 30 years" and he agreed with me. Doctor's had cleared me but I never believed them. My cup was half empty all the time. So, Billy did not let me down. Death itself was something I would not talk about. I always believed as long as you are breathing, there is still life. Billy was never superstitious. Well, my mind still believed in fairies and wood sprites and miracles. That all disappeared when Billy left. My mom used to see what she called as her Angels. She saw them last over my dad's bed when he died. It calmed her. I feel things a lot of times, things like I ought not to be in places and would have to leave. I heard the voices ahead of us going up Signal Mountain in the Gila Wilderness in NM. I heard them very plain, more than one woman. Billy said he heard them too. When we got to the top there was no one and no way for them to leave except to walk by us. I read in one of the pamphlets about the area that the voices had been heard before. I was telling someone about them when we got back home and had Billy back me up. Billy said "I didn't hear a thing." The rascal. In the ambulance with us was two little girls about five years old, black hair in matching (except for color) old fashioned pinafore dresses. Favored Darla on the Little Rascals from a hundred years ago. They rode all the way with us. One sitting on the step at driver's entrance, another sitting on opposite step. I can still see them in my mind. (Even though at that time I was in and out of coma). I asked about them when they were unloading me and of course no one else had seen them. We never talked about it and I never planned for sure what I would do if Billy died. We did not speak of it at all when I was sick. He didn't let me down, he just faced reality. I do not like reality. I try not to go there often and I'm sorry I visited there yesterday and today. I'm okay again, as okay as any of us can be.

My history is on here so many times and I don't need to keep repeating it. I'm sorry. Just did some heavy unnecessary thinking, memories I didn't want to think about, but it did make me see things I had forgot. Kind of like all of these plastic tubs with the tops on them with duct tape with contents written on them. I can open one of the boxes and the memories make me depressed the whole day and that is just opening and closing them. Just a phone call brought this on. It has been five years. But, like my grandma said, "seems like yesterday."

There is nothing about me that can be fixed. It has lasted six years and I think if I lived alone it would be easier. I love that little girl so much though that I fear the trauma of her finding me deceased. So, I will try to keep on.. I'll go when it is time and nothing I can do about that.

Nah, it is just an everyday thing for a fighter like you. Your our Wonder Woman, you have this. You have stomped on things worse than this and came out on the other side. It is no fun, but your a fighter. I know you get tired, but that is when your mind overcomes all this and you fight harder. “A fighter never gives up. His scars are his ornaments. He may never be whole, yet he’s bigger than all his battles and beautiful, even in his brokenness.”― Mona Soorma, Soul Food And Instant Karma I do wish we did not have this COVID thing. They took Kelli's best friend to the ICU. She has two nephrostomy tubes, pneumonia, septic from a crimped tube and urine all throughout her system. She was so septic she could not make any sense and when they put her in the ICU, found out she has COVID also. Her son was murdered, shot in the back by the boyfriend of his ex-wife who he had won custody of his child. She (her friend) was living in and paying the notes on her mom's house. Sister and mom evicted her. Police won't let them yet. Can you imagine doing this to your family? She has a place to live if she gets out of the hospital this time, her husband is doing all he can. She didn't see him in the hall (he cannot be with her, of course), so she got up, pulled every tube out, got her clothes on and was leaving. They have her in soft restraints now. Kelli talked to her on phone today and it is the first day in awhile she has made sense. She has her husband and another son, but that girl is so sick. We are women, we are fighters, because we can do nothing else.

I didn't cook, Kelli did. We had Thanksgiving at the townhouse she and Scott rent. She worked so hard. She put up her Christmas tree, decorations outside. I was sitting in the living room looked over at my son with the window behind him and saw my dad. He has looked like my dad so many times. Yet, children pictures of him and Billy, if you didn't know, you couldn't tell (except Billy's pictures were older). There were four of us. We came home before dark. I have decided, it is tough doing without our loved ones every day, but holidays, past holidays remembered, and special days makes it worse. Grandparents, us young married with one and only great grandchild. All relatives, all gone now. (Scott and I, the lone survivors (and two cousins). I will miss Billy just as much tomorrow as today, in my own way, but it will not be the intensity of holidays. Gin, I'm sorry for your hard times, like my neighbor Hettie told me "As we get older, things are going to happen" and those were not the exact words, but I do know it is happening. Learned another friend has terminal lung cancer this week. Hallmark movies not your thing? "Hillbilly Elegy" is put out by Ron Howard. True book of life of a Yale lawyer, and he has nothing sparkling about himself except he "escaped." It is not getting good reviews. I read the book and then saw the movie. (Netflix) Glenn Close and Amy Adams will be up for awards. The reality is even though location is Appalachia, it could be in the seedy portions of any city or small town, this is living now (without the pandemic). Then there is another called "The Devil All the Time" and all I can say is go with caution on this last one. But, if happily ever after is not your thing, then try watching these two. I have to watch Hallmark for a month just to get reality out of my life. People used to ask me why I liked to watch animated movies, they are not life like. I told them I live life, I want relief some times. Tomorrow will be another day. We don't face "days" except "every day" until Christmas, then New Years. Etc.

I'm sorry Gin. We never quit worrying about our family.

I'm going from memory (and that can be disputed so easily. He was a lowly shepherd and he became king. A lot happened in his lifetime and besides killing Goliath, he also had a woman named Bathsheba, he had her husband sent into battle and was killed. Then he had her as his wife/woman/mistress, and I seem to remember they lost a child. But he was God's choice and I think maybe Israel is here because of him. I have a big book of all the battles in the Bible, and there were lots of wars. Even though David was God's choice to lead, I did not admire David. To me, he might have been in the newspapers in now-days as the "me-too" movement. But he was human.

Not sappy at all. We can most expect a happy ending, a beautiful town that does not really exist, except on a set for production. It is a salve that calms the savage beast we become each day. I love them too Kay. At least sometimes they live happily ever after, if only on TV.

Of course the world is full of fools, but you are not among the fools my sweet young friend. I became comfortable with the Bible (if you can get comfortable with it) reading my children's stories from it and my favorite about "Ruth" who followed her mother-in-law when her husband, the son, had passed. The Bible has been broken down from "my" original King James Version to so many other versions explaining the KJV. I bought the different versions and went back to my KJV. My mom had told me "Never question the Bible" and so I don't. And, a lot I don't understand. When that happens,, I think about the song that has these words Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand Now, I will let Kay explain, because she understands more than I do also.