Margm

I didn't cook, Kelli did. We had Thanksgiving at the townhouse she and Scott rent. She worked so hard. She put up her Christmas tree, decorations outside. I was sitting in the living room looked over at my son with the window behind him and saw my dad. He has looked like my dad so many times. Yet, children pictures of him and Billy, if you didn't know, you couldn't tell (except Billy's pictures were older). There were four of us. We came home before dark. I have decided, it is tough doing without our loved ones every day, but holidays, past holidays remembered, and special days makes it worse. Grandparents, us young married with one and only great grandchild. All relatives, all gone now. (Scott and I, the lone survivors (and two cousins). I will miss Billy just as much tomorrow as today, in my own way, but it will not be the intensity of holidays. Gin, I'm sorry for your hard times, like my neighbor Hettie told me "As we get older, things are going to happen" and those were not the exact words, but I do know it is happening. Learned another friend has terminal lung cancer this week. Hallmark movies not your thing? "Hillbilly Elegy" is put out by Ron Howard. True book of life of a Yale lawyer, and he has nothing sparkling about himself except he "escaped." It is not getting good reviews. I read the book and then saw the movie. (Netflix) Glenn Close and Amy Adams will be up for awards. The reality is even though location is Appalachia, it could be in the seedy portions of any city or small town, this is living now (without the pandemic). Then there is another called "The Devil All the Time" and all I can say is go with caution on this last one. But, if happily ever after is not your thing, then try watching these two. I have to watch Hallmark for a month just to get reality out of my life. People used to ask me why I liked to watch animated movies, they are not life like. I told them I live life, I want relief some times. Tomorrow will be another day. We don't face "days" except "every day" until Christmas, then New Years. Etc.

I'm sorry Gin. We never quit worrying about our family.

I'm going from memory (and that can be disputed so easily. He was a lowly shepherd and he became king. A lot happened in his lifetime and besides killing Goliath, he also had a woman named Bathsheba, he had her husband sent into battle and was killed. Then he had her as his wife/woman/mistress, and I seem to remember they lost a child. But he was God's choice and I think maybe Israel is here because of him. I have a big book of all the battles in the Bible, and there were lots of wars. Even though David was God's choice to lead, I did not admire David. To me, he might have been in the newspapers in now-days as the "me-too" movement. But he was human.

Not sappy at all. We can most expect a happy ending, a beautiful town that does not really exist, except on a set for production. It is a salve that calms the savage beast we become each day. I love them too Kay. At least sometimes they live happily ever after, if only on TV.

Of course the world is full of fools, but you are not among the fools my sweet young friend. I became comfortable with the Bible (if you can get comfortable with it) reading my children's stories from it and my favorite about "Ruth" who followed her mother-in-law when her husband, the son, had passed. The Bible has been broken down from "my" original King James Version to so many other versions explaining the KJV. I bought the different versions and went back to my KJV. My mom had told me "Never question the Bible" and so I don't. And, a lot I don't understand. When that happens,, I think about the song that has these words Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand Now, I will let Kay explain, because she understands more than I do also.

Just heard on a Hallmark type movie "the holidays are just reminders of them not being here." That is true, but think back, your grandfather died (there, I said that dreaded word) but cousins were around, aunts, uncles, only my granddaddy was gone. On one side of the family, unfortunately, he was not missed. On the other side of the family life took a hiccup and we carried on. It was not the same for my grandmother, my little country grandmother, but my city (little town) grandmother carried on as if nothing had happened. It all goes into how much love you put into something. Five years later, my son the artist, he has not taken up pen and pencil, canvas, tablets, or paints. Some people it permanently hurts. Not just husbands, wives, or partners.

Love you girl. We are not promised skies always blue, and a lot more goes through with that, but I sure hope you are promised help for your pain.

Agree. It has been five years for me. I'm not young. A couple of years ago I noticed the spring flowers, fluorescent trees, and though they did not heal, it was a change. Maybe like Rose Kennedy said about the wound never healing but you develop scar tissue. And it can be ripped off just as easily as it forms. Do some of Marty's readings. They told me to keep a diary of each day. I did that, went back and read it and wished I had the pills again. I can't write my pain and re-read it. I started looking for books written by new widows and widowers. Actually, reading Martin Short's autobiography helped me the most. One thing does not help everyone though. Writing a diary was recommended often to me but that did not work at all, as mentioned. It is like they say, we are all on a path and no one else can walk it for us. But, we can wave and shake hands. I would like to say it gets better and better, but five years down the road, I still miss him so much. We had hit that time we could both read for hours and just looking up, knowing he was there, that was enough. I still talk to him. I sleep with a big pillow sham with his everyday clothes in them. The pillow is on his side of the bed. I still slide out of bed trying not to wake him, an instant in time, still doing it five years later.

Oh "N," I am so far from sane I need binoculars. But, if you look back a few months, you will see us crying for help. Like I have said at least 100 times, I found this forum three days after Billy left. I still had my extra 50 morphine from Billy's left overs and I wanted to be with him. My religion (not strong, but still unsure) kept me from it, and these people. Go ahead and let it all out. It is not anything we are not used to and Marty usually has some prime reading material that helps too. You've got friends.

You have friends on here. This is how we make friends now. It is not hard to keep these kind of friends and we don't breathe on each other or touch each other. I have friends on FB.. I did not go to my aunt's funeral because we come from a small town but she was high school secretary and there would be so many people there. I've gotten my feelings hurt by what I thought were my friends, but the reaction from them was a "slight" and they would not have done it if it had been Billy left. But we are friends on paper/or screen, which is fine with me. We are here. You have friendships. I even throw in a lot of words sometimes, and sometimes they make sense......to me. We miss our mates. I've been through every emotion even questioning if he loved me. I'm not easy to put up with. He did it though, for 54 years. That boy deserves stars in his crown. If you need to talk, we are here.

Myself.............I want to live in one of those Hallmark villages. (Nah, I won't leave here), but wouldn't that be neat?

You are right Ana. Unless they have been touched by the flames, walked on the coals, they cannot possibly understand, and why should you have to open a wound and bleed for anyone. Tell them when they have visited that spot in hell, you will help them as best you can. She can offer you sympathy. She cannot offer empathy. When and if that time comes, you will show her how much a friend you really are. You do not deserve to have to dissect your feelings for anyone.

I remember one black Friday. Mind you, I've only been to about three. It was a bicycle at Walmart I was determined to get for Brianna. Me and this man reached for it, it was no "ladies first" kind of thing. But, he hit my wig and it shifted. I think the horror of maybe scalping this woman, (about 16 years ago), he pulled his hand back fast. I got the bicycle. I think that was the last one I went to.

Agreed

Scott fusses if we don't have paper plates. He uses them to fold to roll the food onto the fork or spoon. Folks, I don't make this stuff up. I totally love my family. As an addendum, I don't like to wash dishes and damned if I will wash them to put them into a dishwasher to wash again. At least Brianna sees this the same way I do. Now Billy, he purposefully washed his dishes, then he piled them carefully into the dishwasher and washed them again. One good thing, I did see that the final rinse possibly sterilized the dishes.

Bri washes dishes here. We have a dishwasher but neither of us ever used one. Billy relied on that dishwasher. Bri will fuss and fuss and they are her dishes but I tell her to just leave them, I'll do them in the morning. "No, I cannot stand leaving dishes overnight." Where has this kid been all my life. I remember company coming and hiding the dirty dishes in the stove.. (It was not hot).

Your in good company Gwen, and we are all in the same boat (I can't swim), so I'm not gonna rock the boat. I think we are all fearful. I'm afraid the "infant" President is going to do something "we" have to pay for while he goes off to his Epstein Island and takes his family somewhere else. This is not politics. This is leadership by a dictator and might hit and run. Fear, fear, fear. Pandemic, fear. Alone, fear. People we wish we could help, fear. Not enough money, acceptance, fear.

Thanks, I copied and saved.

I use paper plates. And there you have the "minus" for apartment living. With pets it is more expensive and their outside time has to be on a leash. So, fur babies are a detriment to apartment living.

Yep, you have got to remember the son who wanted to give his mom and dad a party for their (somewhere over 60) wedding anniversary. My cousins BIL, who had been like a dad to him all his life, wanted to see his great grandchildren. One woman (only one was all it took) was in contact with everyone. Mom and dad did not see another anniversary, both "left" within hours of each other, and the great grandfather, he "left" first. I really hate the reality of the word "died." There were, I think, 24 at this gathering. And you wonder, at all the political gathering, activism organizations going on, maybe being in the streets with the wind blowing, maybe it blows the virus upward, but people that follow one candidate do not wear masks and think it is a hoax. Until it isn't.

There will be five of us. The usual five. Kelli might invite her two cousins (nephews)

So did Billy. He wasn't in the "program" long. In fact, they were to come the day after he passed away. They always called first. They couldn't believe he had gone. (Neither could I)

I think all our worlds are upside down, and it is not just the grief, though it plays a heavy hand. I saw the sunlight come up the other morning and it was because I read so late. What is terrible, I used to like to get up early to see the sun come up. It did not make me happy.

Like I said before, I am a cynical old lady. If they are hateful to me in a store or anywhere they don't roll the red carpet out, turn your back and walk away. People are overworked, underpaid, and you might get some hardnosed people but you can turn your back on them.

Nah, he listened, he just was a man and did not understand. Let his testosterone be low normal and he would have prescribed himself testosterone. They never let me have it because of the cancer.