Margm

Just heard on a Hallmark type movie "the holidays are just reminders of them not being here." That is true, but think back, your grandfather died (there, I said that dreaded word) but cousins were around, aunts, uncles, only my granddaddy was gone. On one side of the family, unfortunately, he was not missed. On the other side of the family life took a hiccup and we carried on. It was not the same for my grandmother, my little country grandmother, but my city (little town) grandmother carried on as if nothing had happened. It all goes into how much love you put into something. Five years later, my son the artist, he has not taken up pen and pencil, canvas, tablets, or paints. Some people it permanently hurts. Not just husbands, wives, or partners.

Love you girl. We are not promised skies always blue, and a lot more goes through with that, but I sure hope you are promised help for your pain.

Agree. It has been five years for me. I'm not young. A couple of years ago I noticed the spring flowers, fluorescent trees, and though they did not heal, it was a change. Maybe like Rose Kennedy said about the wound never healing but you develop scar tissue. And it can be ripped off just as easily as it forms. Do some of Marty's readings. They told me to keep a diary of each day. I did that, went back and read it and wished I had the pills again. I can't write my pain and re-read it. I started looking for books written by new widows and widowers. Actually, reading Martin Short's autobiography helped me the most. One thing does not help everyone though. Writing a diary was recommended often to me but that did not work at all, as mentioned. It is like they say, we are all on a path and no one else can walk it for us. But, we can wave and shake hands. I would like to say it gets better and better, but five years down the road, I still miss him so much. We had hit that time we could both read for hours and just looking up, knowing he was there, that was enough. I still talk to him. I sleep with a big pillow sham with his everyday clothes in them. The pillow is on his side of the bed. I still slide out of bed trying not to wake him, an instant in time, still doing it five years later.

Oh "N," I am so far from sane I need binoculars. But, if you look back a few months, you will see us crying for help. Like I have said at least 100 times, I found this forum three days after Billy left. I still had my extra 50 morphine from Billy's left overs and I wanted to be with him. My religion (not strong, but still unsure) kept me from it, and these people. Go ahead and let it all out. It is not anything we are not used to and Marty usually has some prime reading material that helps too. You've got friends.

You have friends on here. This is how we make friends now. It is not hard to keep these kind of friends and we don't breathe on each other or touch each other. I have friends on FB.. I did not go to my aunt's funeral because we come from a small town but she was high school secretary and there would be so many people there. I've gotten my feelings hurt by what I thought were my friends, but the reaction from them was a "slight" and they would not have done it if it had been Billy left. But we are friends on paper/or screen, which is fine with me. We are here. You have friendships. I even throw in a lot of words sometimes, and sometimes they make sense......to me. We miss our mates. I've been through every emotion even questioning if he loved me. I'm not easy to put up with. He did it though, for 54 years. That boy deserves stars in his crown. If you need to talk, we are here.

Myself.............I want to live in one of those Hallmark villages. (Nah, I won't leave here), but wouldn't that be neat?

You are right Ana. Unless they have been touched by the flames, walked on the coals, they cannot possibly understand, and why should you have to open a wound and bleed for anyone. Tell them when they have visited that spot in hell, you will help them as best you can. She can offer you sympathy. She cannot offer empathy. When and if that time comes, you will show her how much a friend you really are. You do not deserve to have to dissect your feelings for anyone.

I remember one black Friday. Mind you, I've only been to about three. It was a bicycle at Walmart I was determined to get for Brianna. Me and this man reached for it, it was no "ladies first" kind of thing. But, he hit my wig and it shifted. I think the horror of maybe scalping this woman, (about 16 years ago), he pulled his hand back fast. I got the bicycle. I think that was the last one I went to.

Agreed

Scott fusses if we don't have paper plates. He uses them to fold to roll the food onto the fork or spoon. Folks, I don't make this stuff up. I totally love my family. As an addendum, I don't like to wash dishes and damned if I will wash them to put them into a dishwasher to wash again. At least Brianna sees this the same way I do. Now Billy, he purposefully washed his dishes, then he piled them carefully into the dishwasher and washed them again. One good thing, I did see that the final rinse possibly sterilized the dishes.

Bri washes dishes here. We have a dishwasher but neither of us ever used one. Billy relied on that dishwasher. Bri will fuss and fuss and they are her dishes but I tell her to just leave them, I'll do them in the morning. "No, I cannot stand leaving dishes overnight." Where has this kid been all my life. I remember company coming and hiding the dirty dishes in the stove.. (It was not hot).

Your in good company Gwen, and we are all in the same boat (I can't swim), so I'm not gonna rock the boat. I think we are all fearful. I'm afraid the "infant" President is going to do something "we" have to pay for while he goes off to his Epstein Island and takes his family somewhere else. This is not politics. This is leadership by a dictator and might hit and run. Fear, fear, fear. Pandemic, fear. Alone, fear. People we wish we could help, fear. Not enough money, acceptance, fear.

Thanks, I copied and saved.

I use paper plates. And there you have the "minus" for apartment living. With pets it is more expensive and their outside time has to be on a leash. So, fur babies are a detriment to apartment living.

Yep, you have got to remember the son who wanted to give his mom and dad a party for their (somewhere over 60) wedding anniversary. My cousins BIL, who had been like a dad to him all his life, wanted to see his great grandchildren. One woman (only one was all it took) was in contact with everyone. Mom and dad did not see another anniversary, both "left" within hours of each other, and the great grandfather, he "left" first. I really hate the reality of the word "died." There were, I think, 24 at this gathering. And you wonder, at all the political gathering, activism organizations going on, maybe being in the streets with the wind blowing, maybe it blows the virus upward, but people that follow one candidate do not wear masks and think it is a hoax. Until it isn't.

There will be five of us. The usual five. Kelli might invite her two cousins (nephews)

So did Billy. He wasn't in the "program" long. In fact, they were to come the day after he passed away. They always called first. They couldn't believe he had gone. (Neither could I)

I think all our worlds are upside down, and it is not just the grief, though it plays a heavy hand. I saw the sunlight come up the other morning and it was because I read so late. What is terrible, I used to like to get up early to see the sun come up. It did not make me happy.

Like I said before, I am a cynical old lady. If they are hateful to me in a store or anywhere they don't roll the red carpet out, turn your back and walk away. People are overworked, underpaid, and you might get some hardnosed people but you can turn your back on them.

Nah, he listened, he just was a man and did not understand. Let his testosterone be low normal and he would have prescribed himself testosterone. They never let me have it because of the cancer.

This is why I cannot handle a home. I cannot afford to have it fixed every time something goes wrong. If it goes wrong here, I call manager, she sends David. I don't miss my other house. The difference in four families to an apartment building, smelling what they are having for dinner (sometimes that turns my stomach), but we don't all eat the same thing. Brianna would rather be in London or NYC. I hope she makes it one day. She is not aiming towards her goal. We have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, so much to worry about, so many to miss. I remember one ice storm holiday. We had come down from Arkansas. Electricity went out in Mama's house. No problem for her, she switched everything to the fireplace. Country gal can survive. We grow good-ole tomatoes and homemade wineAnd a country gal can surviveCountry folks can survive (with apologies to Hank Williams, Jr.) Mama did make homemade wine sometimes. That stuff was GOOD. You put a balloon on the top of the big bottle (big), keep air out with rubber band around balloon. One year she didn't have a balloon so she used plastic glove. When those five fingers were standing erect, time to drink it. Mama was mental, but I think most of the mental was when she had walked on top of that line she always talked about being the difference in genius and insanity. Mama walked on top of the genius line sometime. No, we didn't grow "smoke" but if she had thought about it, we might have. We had the whole back field empty.

It worries me because my granddaughter just crawls further into herself. She is not bodily sick, so how can we go to a doc? She has a friend, thank goodness, that she talks to often. Has her personality. But, has a twin and about 3 brothers and sisters and lives with her family, afraid of the outside, her parents and grandmother all live together, and they all have COVID now. Won't talk to Zoom, Skype, unless it is to her friend. I knew she did not want to get around people but I offered to get her outside, she will not go. Does not want to go Thanksgiving, but there will only be five of us. I've got a problem. Advice has been given. Over and over.

Billy wouldn't eat casseroles. He had to have meat at every meal when we first got married. I learned how to fix Spam so many ways. It was great in Chef's Salads. Then on a health kick later in life we left out meat except on "fat Fridays." Brianna fixes her own meals. She likes rice with anything. Not brown rice. Her nickname of Tater suited her too because she loves potatoes, but not tater tots.

I remember a lady in her 90's (I think) when they were taking away people's estrogen hormones as a daily dose. (Have not been typing that stuff for a few years) and for all I know they have put it back. I remember them telling her they were going to stop her estrogen. She said, "I beg your pardon, you most certainly will not" and they didn't stop it. I can imagine her thinking, "what, your worried about me getting breast cancer at 110?" I feel the same way about Xanax. I only take two 1 mg each day.

I think of my aunt and two cousins. Their hobby was antiques and they drove for miles to pick up pieces. My aunt had the cutest little house built beside her big one (a house I could have lived in comfortably the rest of my life), and in it she kept antiques that she could not keep in the big house. My boy cousin wanted my solid oak claw tooth table and chairs. I didn't care about material possessions, still don't, but I had bought that table alone at unpainted solid oak furniture store, chairs too. With my wonderful designing mind, I picked dark pecan stain. It was so ugly. Kelli took it, stripped it, and now it is oak color and she is saving it for Brianna. Kelli has my great grandmother's sewing machine, an old Minnesota treadle, will only sew forwards. It serves as a piece of furniture. She has the 1928 dresser and chest of drawers.. I let rain ruin the bed frame. My cousin has three floors and a Michigan basement full of collectables and antiques. When he was well, they sold them at an antique shop. I had noticed a collection of ancient butter molds. I told her I appreciated them. She knew I was not asking for them, they all know I will use lawn chairs for living room chairs. But, she had forgot all about them and wondered what box they might be in, in the basement. Both are in ill health, late 70's. Hire a gardener to care for their property. I remember seeing a native american graveyard with the deceased most prized possession as their monument. I remember seeing a sewing machine for one woman. That is about as close as we can get to "taking it with us."