Margm

Gin, we both lost in October of the same year. I have his wooden urn beside my desk on the corner table with the little LED lights Christmas tree that is on 24/7, unless we move (did once) or the electricity goes out. People may think it strange, but then they remember who I am, then it is no longer strange. Lost another classmate Saturday. I had not seen her or her husband since 1960. My memories are of the 17-18 year old kids. That makes five in the last year of my classmates and two more close friends and my aunt. Sometimes I talk to Billy when the moon is out. I talk to him when I am alone on my little trips. I have given my kids no reason to doubt my driving, my memory is probably the same as it was at 17. I have always walked into rooms and forgot why. I cannot tell my family I am going anywhere. I do let them know by FB messenger, if they need me then I'm on my cell phone, then I'm gone again. I have places to go, memories to remember (alone).. I hope I can still keep doing this. Long country roads, no traffic. My heart goes out to you during our griefaversary.

They didn't prescribe it for me for anything but a blood pressure med. I doubt they read the other things. If it helps me be able to read and concentrate then that is an addition. My little country clinic prescribed it some time or other after the year 2000, and I take one every night since. A plus is that it makes me sleepy. I get scared if I read too much about a drug. One side effect of penicillin could be a "black hairy tongue." I was already allergic to penicillin, so that never worried me. I typed medicines, symptoms, operations, consults, discharge summaries, history and physicals, even an autopsy or two thrown in at every hospital in Shreveport/Bossier (working part-time) from my main job at the teaching hospital and I finished up my career typing about 6-7 years at home in Arkansas for my friend who had her own transcription service, it was for Presbyterian in Albuquerque and the little satellite clinics of the big hospital. In all that time I only typed one "black hairy tongue" and it was not from penicillin. Do you listen to all the new medication "possible" side effects? I had one of those new medicines, I took one pill. The reaction I had, dumb me, I took Tylenol and went back to bed. I did wake up the next morning obviously, but was told the reaction I had should have been called in 911 and been at the ER immediately. I never took it again. These old, old generic meds have stood me good. I don't read the warnings yet. I'm still shuffling around. (Oh, I did read one of them made it harder to lose weight. No kidding. I wonder if it was as bad as that half gallon of lemon ice box pie ice cream I've almost eaten all of in two days.

Kieron, I would love to put a "love" sign under that picture. If I go to the doctor with any great pain, injury, or need for an opioid, I will die. They will make it where I cannot go to the bathroom. My insides (my heart is radiation free, I think), but anything else, if the very insignificant Tylenol won't cover it, well, I just hurt. I kept a diary of the days that I need assistance from my strong arms to turn my big butt over in bed because my back will hurt so much. I started back on my vitamin D gummies and it is not near as often.. My son takes the trazodone. I was familiar with it from years ago. It also works as an antidepressant. Sometimes your nose gets stuffy, but it is better than Ambien. I took it (Ambien) before the Xanax. It would last two hours, so I took another dose and it would last two hours, etc. I cannot take the propranolol for my essential tremor. Guess what? The metoprolol that I had been taking for years does the same thing. The clonidine I take at night makes me so sleepy, I had to quit taking it in the daytime. They said it was okay for night. And wonder of wonders, it works on the essential tremor too. I did not know that. Then, the Xanax is prescribed for the essential tremor also. Does not always work good, but I figure at 78, I am doing as good as I can. No blood anywhere, that is most important. And no, I cannot go to church. My gut not only makes constant noise, one side seems to know what the other side says and answers it. I've long ago learned which organ is boss of my body. Now, if my body cooperates (I have noticed slowing of the walk), my vocal cords are affected also. I never could sing, but I have no up or down to my voice, just croak. My aunt wished to die because of the aggravation of this neurological defect. It has not bothered my brain too much though. Maybe those legal prescriptions for biphetamines back in the 1970's, maybe they built a shell around my brain. It does seem to rattle at times.

My brother-in-law went into the hospital where he soon passed away. He was supposed to have a colonoscopy at the clinic the day he was admitted. He had Parkinson's. The colonoscopy was routine. They charged for it anyhow and Medicare paid. It is people, like me, that see these false charges and let things go. We knew it was wrong to let it go, but we did let it go. If this can happen once, how many other times can it happen? I hope someone stands up for it. This was 20 years ago. Too late now.

I loved "The Help" and also "Green Book" and think, that is how we treated people and Latino lives matter, hard to say Native Americans mattered, we just stomped them down. I wanted to have Native American in my DNA so I would not feel so guilty for my ancestors. Damn it, it was the ancestors, not me. My granddaughter is totally "woke" and I still drag my 1940-50-60's behind around with me. My people need to learn tolerance, but you know what? They think they are right and everyone else is wrong. I don't think that is just a problem for the "hillbilly" people though.. Lots of people have carried prejudice against so many people. Wish the young people could make a better place. If we don't ruin it for them.

I think I live among a bunch of people who don't think about where we came from. I did mention one of my friends read the book "Hillbilly Elegy" by a lawyer named C.D. Vance. It is being made into a movie. I just have a hard time with people getting so upset for people getting government assistance when I grew up in the time of "The Help." It bothers me to hear people complain about helping these people, they consider lazy, when they probably never paid a cent into SS (for these people) for the many years they worked. I did not go to mixed schools. The "Hillbilly" is just a synonym for my class of people, just no hills. I was lucky, my parents fed us, we never missed a meal and some of my clothes were made from flour sacks, and I was never ashamed of them. Someone reminded me of that the other day. If we were lucky enough for our mom to sew for us, we all wore them. My dad was sober, my mom was a little crazy, but sober. They took me to church every time the doors were open, in fact, we opened the doors. Some people had maids and after watching "The Help" and reading about people begrudging people public housing because they were too lazy to work got me to thinking that SS was never taken out when they were paid. These people were not lazy. And, I'm getting into politics, so I will quit.. I do not begrudge any of my taxes going to help them and wish I could do more. I'm not ashamed of where I came from, nor where I've been, but I am ashamed of some of the people I used to know. I might do some distancing, but in the time of Covid, it is not noticed. And, I am repeating myself. I've noticed that often.

Every month, nearly every day I get some new insurance suggestion. If it has OGB anywhere on it, I open it. Twice a year I call Blue Cross and OGB. I have the "Magnolia plan" which is supposed to be the best, but damned if I know what it is. The only thing I do know, if I ever get rid of OGB, I can never get it back. Each time I call, they tell me I'm okay, I do not need to call, but I get so much mail, so many phone calls. I have been affiliated with OGB (Office of Group Benefits) since 1959. So, I try to ignore everything. My four drugs come to less than $20 for three months, two are blood pressure pills, one is Xanax, one is a 12.5 (water pill). The two blood pressures both work on the essential tremor also. (I'd sure hate to see it if it didn't). My aunt was rather eccentric. (I think to some point all my family is), probably comes from not riding their horses more than 30 miles to find a wife 100+ years ago. She was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. (I did not get the genes from that side of the family). We have this familial tremor that has attacked numerous family members (distant and close). My dad lived with it. My other aunt lived with it. She took propranolol and I take metoprolol. I have lived with it since the 6th grade. My grandfather and his brother had Parkinson's at the same time, my grandfather dying at 56. My dad tried home remedies to fix things. Yoga, goats milk (he raised them), meditation, etc. People didn't go to neurologists back then. We had GP's and that cured everything that could be cured. I have recently learned my 2nd cousin has Parkinson's. My grandfather and his brother were her uncles. Also a grandson on that side was born with a "shaky brain syndrome" which is exactly what some of us had, also called essential tremor. He is 26 now and learns to live with it. My only drawback was as a teenager, slow dancing, the fellow thought he was getting me excited, so I quit slow dancing (except with Billy.) What I am getting at with all this is my beautiful aunt, she got a neurological condition like we have and it does make it difficult to eat out (unless you ask for a small shovel). She was a greeter at her lifelong church and people noticed. (She thought). She fixed it where she had care around the clock in later stages and no one was to see her. Hurt her brother's feelings. I could see her, I understood, but with Covid I would not risk making her sicker. She had lost a daughter in I think 1991, her sister who lived next door to her all their lives in 2014, and really, she was a hard woman to like, unless you had to, and I had to. I understood her. (To some extent). She finally died. I don't know how we can call it suicide, but it was a form of suicide, just gave up on living. Absolutely nothing to live for. She was very hard to get along with (I never fussed with her), but she hated her daughter-in-law so much she actually wanted to leave this world. I can see people committing suicide, we have seen too much of it. But, she just quit living, she was 84, did not want to be old and ugly (I guess), and she actually gave up living. That was how she wanted it. I can kind of understand it, but I do miss her. I think of the actor George Sanders and his suicide note: “Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck.” I find I do not understand life or death. My aunt and I grew up together. Another word salad with Covid dressing.

As a side note, a couple of hours ago I received this official sounding rough voiced woman telling me my SS card had been used and I needed to talk to a SS official. I called my bank. Nothing has been touched of the $14.00 balance I have, so I asked them if this happened very often and they said it sometimes happens. I guess they think us old gals and guys are going to get anxious and spill all our information to them to save our precious savings (I think I have $29 in my savings. Good luck to them. Anyhow, I think everyone on here is smart enough not to be bamboozled by phishers.

A phone call woke me this morning, sounding quite excited, said my Medicare card had been used for fraud in south Texas. Told me to hold on the line or punch #1 for an officer of the law. I hung up. Stupid people. I think they do this on old people. Also the picture of "David" from some dating service. Like I said, dating and death start with "D" and I am closer to the latter. A man has not entered my mind except my friends that I am losing and of course Billy. I think they think old women are vulnerable. They might be. I have reached the age now that my kids do not want me taking long trips without them. My son admitted to it last night. So, losing Billy made me on my own for the first time in my life. I won't say I enjoy it, but somehow or other, shadowing by my children makes me think they think I am uncapable of doing things. I know, I should count my blessings. After I get this trip over Thursday, I will only let them know I can be reached on my cell phone, and I will leave the house. After the colon rupture, Billy decided I needed to be driven everywhere. I had to let them know I would forget how to drive if they didn't let me alone. I've not had a ticket since about 1965. I was going 10 miles over the speed limit, and right after the seat belt law came into being, we both had to pay a fine for not wearing one. Naturally, after that you don't forget. I appreciate them. I love them. I may need them.........later. Not now. I do need them forever, but not to worry about me yet.

Don't think I am experienced, I'm definitely not. My daughter has used a dating site, and at 53, I think she has given up on it. I know she finally blocks people. According to my granddaughter there are many of them. She won't get out of the house and the two guys at school that pushed themselves on her, wanting her phone number, etc., she begged me to save her from them. I do know she has a problem and hope we can find someone with talk therapy and not drugs, they have tried that. But, to get back to the other, there was an email in my email site from a dating group (or some weird place) I deleted it. It was from a "David" with his picture. Some words were added, I don't remember what because this old gal is not hip to this crap. It had an unsubscribe and I was afraid to even do that. I just deleted, deleted, deleted. I don't know where it came from but I hope it stays gone. I do know I did not subscribe to anything. Dating and death both start with D and I'm closer to the death one.

I was lucky (unlucky) to have a close family life, being born in the land of relatives, never leaving for long, on the DNA test it listed 1000 cousins. You have to admit, I'm from a rural lifestyle, years ago my grandfather had to ride his horse over 30 miles to meet his wife. Then I became kin to all the people within 30 miles. In fact, one of my best friends, after their three kids were born, after DNA tests, they found out they were 3rd cousins. Every porch around these bayous had banjo's with people playing the theme from "Deliverance." But all life centered around fish fries on the "creek" with family and friends and reunions on the 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. There were 106 in my graduating class and I was not out to learn, I was out to have fun and graduated 2nd girl from the bottom. The last girl was, you guessed it, a cousin. If I had known they were going to put it on the board I might have studied and worked on homework. Out on my own, in college, with two kids I kept a B average, so I did not feel like the village idiot. I think it all depends on where you live, where you move to when you leave "home," and if you "leave home" at all.. Of those 106, I would imagine we have maybe 60 left, I don't really know. Some scattered and were never heard of again. It was a papermill town and people transferred in and out of our life. I didn't go far to marry. Our counties are called parishes. I lived in north parish, Billy lived in south parish, and all his kinfolks, like mine. It was a parish that never was rich. We were all poor kids and some with maybe a little more money and my generation did not divorce as fast as generations now. So, friends are out there. You can talk on FB and the phone, sometimes by email. I have lost so many relatives and friends I sometimes wonder if it is not best to not have any at all. There is a constant fog hanging over your head if your old and still have friends. You know the old saying that only the good die young, so what does that make me? Maybe having friends might be overrated. Besides, even graveside services, I could not go to honor my aunt. I had said my goodbye to her this year before she lay down and decided to die. And after seeing that, it really is a possibility to do that. She was always thin and beautiful though, I could live ten years off of my fat. Picture is Al Capp's "Joe Btfsplk

In my eyes I will always be the carrot topped woman with freckles. No red whatsoever to the color of my hair now, but my hands shake too bad to put on makeup and a little red paint never hurt any old barn. I want to be able to get out of the house, I want to be rid of this Covid, I do not know that fluffier short woman with the gray hair. Mama fixed up after my dad passed. Her fingernails were long and painted (tastefully long), she still sewed for herself and dyed her gray hair black. She would only wear lipstick but she looked beautiful. This Covid is not good for my agoraphobic granddaughter and I'm getting to be the same way.

Sometimes you can find nothing to say. Takes a lot more than 12th grade and a few college classes. I once helped Brianna in a common sense test. There were three questions, I made her miss all three. I learned what empathy means. Some things I have no words for.

So do I. I wonder how the fellow we knew as "Butch", how his little daughter-in-law is doing.

Decided to get a permanent plaque and will place it at a later date on both aunts graves. She was a beautiful woman, both were beautiful and made it past their 80's, my older aunt to 91. I never thought of them as old. I think of myself as old. Billy would not have let me do that. He's not here though. He was never old.

I'm so sorry Kay. My aunt passed at 12:30 p.m.. yesterday. Graveside services and cannot go. She was school secretary and there will be so many people, and so many relatives I have not seen in so long. My sister cannot breathe on the outside very well with this rain that we are still having. My uncle (her brother) is 87, his wife a few months older, neither in top health, but he is very old fashioned, this was his baby sister, and he would give his life for any of us. I may have mentioned they had an anniversary party for 28 from this small town. Twenty-four came down with the Covid. The server did not know she had Covid. At least two are still hospitalized in bad condition, and my cousin's bil passed away. He just wanted to see his great grandkids. He had been married 69 years. The anniversary was for two married 63 years. Covid is a marriage killer. It definitely is not a political ploy. Take care of yourselves. I will buy a plaque to put on her grave for later. She was my growing up playmate until she got in her teens. Then, she and I still hung out together often. She gave me all her makeup (she was a brunette) and this carrot topped kid wore that dark red lipstick. I would lick it off my lips and that was before lip liners. I looked so strange with a red line all around my lips. I thought I was sexy. Had my school picture taken in the lipstick, my head thrown back in what I thought was a sexy pose. My eyes partly closed. I was in the 8th grade. Mama looked at the pictures and bought one of the small ones of the kid who looked like the "village idiot.." I couldn't argue with that. My mind has been like a video playing back the good memories my aunt and I had growing up about 200 steps from each back door.

Loretta Lynn was a grandma at 34. I can't sing and live payday to payday.

I'm so sorry all of this is happening. In all my 78 years, only the passing of Billy, has been worse. At my age my friends and their husbands are passing as fast as those migratory birds dropping in New Mexico by the thousands. I've lost so many friends this year and talked to the one who had remarried after losing her first husband, Billy's and my friend. Her second husband was sick for so many years she did not take care of herself and has had to have a heart artery replaced and now has had a stroke. I talked to her and she and her daughter were out looking at houses so she could take care of her mom. My aunt is hanging on by a thread. It is true she is in her early 80's but her death is a self induced suicide. She won't eat. She can, she just won't. She has lost her daughter, her husband, and her lifelong next door sister and she just plain does not want to live, so we wait for the call. My cousin's BIL wanted to see his great grandchildren so they attended an anniversary party for two friends that are elderly and not in good health, (we can't have parties folks!!!). Out of 28 at the party, 24 have come down with Covid. One of the servers (friend) had it and did not know. So, the BIL passed away and all of the others are elderly with elderly conditions and are very ill. We cannot have reunions people!!!! They had graveside burial for my cousin's BIL. I don't know how many of the others have passed away or recovered. So many nightmare stories. Kay, I'm so sorry about your BIL and even sorrier for his wife and you sisters who will have to help. Marty, I hope this new disruption in the Gulf does not bother you. Folks, I live in very northern Louisiana, maybe 20-30 miles from the Arkansas line. We get flood waters and very bad wind shears and was without electricity for a very short while, not enough to melt freezer food. We are okay, unless the storms spawn off a tornado, which happens. The hurricanes are not going to cause us much trouble unless we get the tornadoes. Sure wish the things would form in the Atlantic Ocean and give some relief to California, Oregon and Washington. We are all okay.

Thanks Kevin. Adorable. My oldest great was 17 last month. I've never seen her. Her mom lost custody of her (long story) but she is doing great and my granddaughter gets to see her often. Has custody of the other great, and I've met her. The first baby picture 17 years ago of the first "great" made me cry and cry, maybe because they lived so far away from us. It was a shame she never got to know Billy, he loved his babies. Glad your getting time with them.

Billy read a series of mountain man books by Terry Johnston, and it was about a man named Titus Bass (Scratch). I think he wrote about nine books. Johnston told his wife he was afraid to kill off Scratch because he was afraid he would not live long himself afterwards. Right after it came out he died. He was diagnosed with colon cancer a month before he passed away at about 53, I think. He and Billy both had about the same length after diagnosis.

Karen, I had to quit before book #9 of the Cork O'Connor series. I read the synopsis and won't read no more of them. But, I did read up until #9. My favorite are Michael McGarrity, who was really a law officer in NM. He wrote three though that took him way back in his family's genealogy and I could not read them. Billy read two of them and missed out on the 3rd. Dana Stabenow has her books in Alaska written around a tough, cute little Inuit PI (right now) but she has been state trooper, and lots of other things. She is so tough, tiny, and cute that I love reading about her. Lots of books, but I am caught up. JJ Jance writes mostly about two different law officers. Jo An Brady is an interesting series, from the first. She has another guy she writes about, I think his name is Beaumont, and he is in Seattle mostly. I think there are 27 of his books. Don't know why I didn't read much of him. He does have a case with JoAnne Brady that is a "hot" series (not much sex written about, but lots implied) but they fought it as she had not been married long (first husband was sheriff, had been killed. Her dad was sheriff too of the county where Bisbee, Arizona is located. We spent a lot of time in that area and I loved reading about it. I'm not too keen on it now though, for some reason. Too many memories maybe. They were good memories but good memories sometimes hurt too. I read first 12 of Michael McGarrity and think he has a new one that does not reach back into time and ancestry. I quit reading Margaret Coel after about the 20th of her Wind River Reservation books because she said she was quitting that series and I'm not gonna read the last one. The Dana Stabenow series on Kate Shugak, I think takes you about 22 books. I keep up with hers. This has been done over a bunch of years before Billy left too, so I have not read that many since 2015. Really had trouble with concentration for awhile. Some still. I think, though, I'm catching a hold again. I hope so. Okay, Book Club of the last 50 years or so, and out.............I'm glad my mama gave me the gift of imagination and reading. And, it was a gift. She read to me until I could read for myself and she told me stories that TV has taken away the imagination we had to have (the older ones) as children. I still can find it sometimes. Good reading.

Ana.............

Well, I have started reading James Lee Burke's books over. It has been a long, long time since I read him and I tend to forget easy, makes geriatric reading a plus. He writes mostly Louisiana mysteries and Dave Robicheaux (sp?) is the detective. Saw Alex Baldwin play him in a movie once and I think Tommie Lee Jones played him in one movie. So, I just picture Alex Baldwin when I read about Dave. If I live till the end of 2021, maybe I won't be through with these books. That is what they told us to expect this virus to last till. How they know all this and can't find a vaccine, I just don't know. They need to bring back Jonas Salk.

Well, I don't think we need to mail in our vote. A man I know sent a letter to his son, just to check how long the mail took, and his son received it 30 days later. His son is a child, they live in the same house.

Yeah days are ironic. One grandfather dying on my sister's birthday and five months later the other grandfather, younger than my son, dying on my 14th birthday. I keep getting Billy's mixed up, October 15. No, it was October 17, 2015. I don't like October and will not read something published or a movie produced in 2015. Stupid idiosyncrasies. I guess you can sure write things wrong. Of course my grandfather was not younger than my son when I was 14.