Margm

This leaves only one day, Today.Any person can fight the battle of just one day.It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad,it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time. Copied from part of a long writing about living one day at a time. The author was anonymous. Actually, that is all we can do anyhow, but it won't keep me from worrying. Really, when I had cancer I could take all this meditation in and use it. Have not since. I watched the news the whole day. Maybe because it was 9/11, This is not something someone who is not sane anyhow should do.

When the hurricane flattened Cameron and Lake Charles, La., it left nothing standing, not sure if anything is left to get electricity to. They have had some though times in the state, but this seems horrible. After Billy left I had no hopes of ever seeing the big redwoods and the John Muir Wilderness, but they were thousands of years old. I know they will grow back and many things will, but homes won't and people's lives won't. We are having such a hard time in the world right now, I still won't read the Biblical book of Revelations. Been to too many studies of it and it scares me, just as "now" scares me. I saw the boys play football last night and I know some of the other sports players have had the Covid and were left with cardiomyopathy. I know no one ever thought it would go on so long. Just read this article: Redwoods, some 2,000 years old, survive wildfire at California's oldest state park. Fire burns in the hollow of an old-growth redwood tree in Big Basin Redwoods State Park, Calif. The CZU Lightning Complex wildfire tore through the park but most of the redwoods, some as old as 2,000 years, were still standing.Aug 24, 2020. Billy and I always headed west in the RV. We determined one time we were going to go east, but when it came time to turn, it was always west. We were planning our first trip in the new RV to the northern California area, nearer the eastern part of it. We had distant cousins that had left Louisiana during the gold rush so many years ago and our genealogical cousin had it where we were going to visit. We didn't get to go, but my cousin hooked up with our distant relatives and they still write each other. I loved wilderness areas and we had toured the Gila, Aldo Leopold, and so many more. We worry more about the little mountain towns and cities that are leveled or in danger. This virus has decimated people of their jobs, their insurance, their homes, their lives. I am so sorry. When I paid my rent there was a young man explaining why he couldn't pay and she had to do her job and gave him awhile or had to evict him. I put my check in front of her and left fast. I see how it must have been during the Great Depression, the Oklahoma Dust Bowl, and other illnesses before vaccines. If I had money I would have paid his rent.

Chatter is better than "badder" thoughts. Glad you are okay and good to hear from you. Keep us posted.

Brianna just said "let's just cancel this year." Well, we lost a bunch of people. I lost a bunch of friends. (Damn this getting old and kicking the bucket), and I've started thinking I'll get my exercise (a little cooler) by going to visit relatives in the cemeteries and the ones I didn't get to tell goodbye. Sounds like fun. Worried about Kay, don't want her to lose her home. Your right, I would like to cancel October. Can't ever tell. Might do it anyhow. Please take care of yourselves in your quarantined life. I sure have read a lot of books. Even read one that had sex in it. I canceled the rest of the ones that were followups to it. Used to would not have done that.

"On Monday night, smoke from local fires clouded the Eugene-Springfield area, reducing visibility down to a mile or less. Heavy smoke and ash have since persisted in the area." The above was taken from the "Register-Guard" newspaper (I might have spelled things wrong), but know Kay is somewhere in the mountains around Eugene. No!!! I do not know that for sure, I am guestimating and I do that wrong a lot of times. A friend put on FB this morning the areas and we need to hear from Kay. I'm sorry, I did have her number and I just went through every page of my address book and cannot find it. I have not taken my blood pressure pill yet (fixing to take it), so I won't get too excited. We know Kay. That gal knows what to do and when to do it.

Kevin, they said we would be having some cooler weather pushing down from Canada. Kay, are you around any of the fires I was reading about in Oregon.

My friend scheduled her mammogram. Closest date was January.

This is not my plant below. My sister bought me a very expensive gardenia bonsai for my birthday. I have asked if we have any plant whisperers in my area. First, I watched it careful, watered it each day, yellow leaves were everywhere. So, besides talking to the plant, spraying its leaves with fine mist, not watering it so much, reading directions again and again. I promise you, if it hadn't been for Billy, our kids might not have made it. He was the best mama and dad a kid could have. My sister thought I could be trusted with a plant. I can't. It said the roots needed water ever so often and to leave it in the pan only about five minutes. (I forgot it and left it overnight). I now have more leaves fallen off than I have on the plant. Why would someone spend $70 for me a plant? I killed an air plant that took no care. The picture is of Lantanas on Kelli's patio. She is like my mom and can grow anything.

Arkansas is known for their beautiful autumn leaves. I have so many of Billy's pictures that are gorgeous and they are in another computer. Gotta get one of my girls to put them on a thumb drive, or whatever you call those things. It only added to our walks. We had dirt roads all over the area we lived in. There was a road #100 that edged Oklahoma and saw a wildcat cross the road. (Which was not that unusual since the crows chased one across the outside carport where we lived. This is not our picture. It is the man's name listed. I saw it and kept looking at it. I copied it because I recognized the place, only about three blocks up from our house on the main highway. That was not the Ouachita River but one of the creeks that ran into the river. Town was on the edge of the river and so was the school.. It was the most beautiful country, but somehow it loses its beauty without the one you first enjoyed it with. I do go to pretty places that Billy never saw and strangely do not feel guilty, but the places we loved, I cannot go back to. Life is strange that way sometimes.

This was Billy's picture taking time. He loved photography. We lived in "downtown" Mount Ida. Actually, our house was one house out of the city limits, but the city limits could not be very lengthy with just over 1000 people. I found a picture that was taken from the bridge over a split off of the Ouachita River. Billy did not take it, but we have plenty that he did in my other computer. I saw the picture somewhere and knew exactly where it was. I've got to admit, where I live does not share this beauty, but it is where our home was, the piney hills of N. Louisiana on the Arkansas line.

Gwen, I saw my dad and Billy's dad linger on in terrible pain. Billy's dad would take the pain med. My dad knew his outcome and still he did not want to get addicted to the med. We spent four years of my dad's pain, advancement of the cancer, radiation, treatments, surgery, and Billy's dad's cancer had been a skin cancer that they cut half his face away. He rode the mowers on interstate for the highway department, always in the sun. Billy had about three bad nights and he was gone. His ego made him go faster, I think. I only gave him one bed bath and he hated that even though he had cleaned wounds for me, emptied bags draining terrible stuff from infections and treated me with so much love and care. I knew he did not mind taking care of me.. I wanted to take care of him too, but he was so old fashioned, I think he just willed himself to leave fast. He was only under the morphine about three days and he was gone. My dad suffered so hard and was such an ego trip himself, he ran my uncle off who had come to help my mom. He would let Billy and Scott help him but no one else but Mama. I've been through, this is my 5th autumn coming up without him. I don't know why it is so bad. Maybe because my two close friends that we talked all the time, they both passed away within weeks of each other and I'm missing them and two more friends who passed. I am kind of like the old man in his 90's that needed heart bypass. No surgeon in the city would touch him. Well, the woman cardiovascular one at our teaching hospital, she said she would do it. She did. He lived and went to his college reunion. He came back and bawled her out for saving him. He was the only one left in his college class. We live, we eventually are not going to live. Word salad again. Billy always asked for French Dressing for his regular salads. Well, in case you have not noticed, we have a twang to our language. They brought him Ranch every time. (Franch and Ranch) Sounds alike.

FB provides a "memory" section. I really cannot repost any of my memories from August 31st. It was that day my world ended. I had September and till October 17th to finish living. I tried to go back to my first post and I don't think I want to read it........but I do too. Probably not, I wrote three days after Billy left me. You know the guilt I went through. I refused to hold him, slapped at his hands reaching for me. We had so many miracles and we were going to have another one. I missed the chance to hold him for the last time. I know he forgave me. I really will never forgive myself, but I just was not going to let him go. He had to mind me. He didn't. It has been five years October 17th and I have started grieving, more so than usual, on August 31st. That was when we found out the aneurysm was going to be operated on. Instead, the colon or liver cancer took him very fast. I was not letting him go and would not talk about it. He said "don't you think I see the worry in your eyes." Of course he did, and of course I was going to take those 50 morphine and leave with him. Writing to this column and my doubts about following him directly kept me from it. Not worry about any of my other family. Five years. Lost two long ago teenage boyfriends in August. Visited one grave. He had Alzheimer's. His tiny little wife had birthed five children till she got him a boy and her little body gave out in 2014, heart attack at a red light. I'm glad they are together. I hope I do not outlive my kids, but I've still got planning to do to fix it where they won't have any worry beside grief. I've lived since Billy has left. No, I've existed since he left. I love my kids and grandchildren but it is true sometimes: "Life's a Bitch and Then You Die". I can categorize grief and in between there is life. Just breathe and move life.

We had Jet, a German Shepherd when we were in the country before Kelli came along. A Chihuahua ran her all the way down a country road one time and I think Billy let his sister have her. You know that has been over 52 years ago and I cannot remember if it rained yesterday or today or both days. Probably someone had been mean to her. Billy never was purposefully mean to a dog until he was feeding his Chesapeake Bay Retriever once and the dog took a bite out of his hand. He hit him in the head with a metal holder that holds weights. He was a ferocious dog (we got him as a puppy) and we had to put him inside when the meter reader came in the fence. He went straight to Kelli's room and took a huge poop into a brand new pair of expensive sneakers of Kelli's. I had to carry a can of hair spray out with me to hang out clothes. Then he took it away from me and he had to go. He made the Chow look like sweet lab. I guess dogs have mental issues too. We bought him from a man that raised them so he might have been bred too close.

He mostly always had hunting dogs. He didn't hunt, but he loved watching them in the woods get a scent and follow it. He loved training dogs. He was a gentle trainer. He wanted one that would sit by the fireplace with him but most all of them were too much of a hunting dog and were not bred to be in enclosures. After going through the heartbreak of losing pups over my life, I did not want a pet. My daughter's pups were her heart and I had to spend my time helping her get over heartbreak. I didn't want that for myself. She has Nawlins, a white poodle, now. She is old and has minor frailties. I identify with her. You talk to her, she knows what you say. For all the reasons of love you all have for your fur babies, I have reasons for no more grief of losing one. My aunt, no children except her fur babies, when the last one was put to sleep, she said, "no more." She was in her late 70's then. She lived a normal life, no dementia or too many frailties until she passed away suddenly at 91. Like me, she suffered from severe depression and at age 91, most all family had gone, no children. She passed away quietly. We do what we have to do for ourselves. Not selfish. I see too many fur babies for adoption at age 10 and 11, who have lost their companion. They suffer loss too.

Billy always had time for his pups. He would take Briar walking in the mountains, to the top of the ridge we lived below. He had to keep him in a fence though. Briar was a German Longhaired Pointer. He was beautiful. Not suited for being closed up in a house. "They only make good pets when properly exercised, as they need a "job" to do, and do not adapt well to a sedentary life." A friend had a 40 acre farm, off the main road with a big barn. His (the friend) had just lost his longtime dog companion. Billy was getting where he could not climb the mountains. Briar stood on the back of the friends truck and never looked back at us. He was sweet and affectionate and the commercials would show dogs that looked like Briar. He gave him up for the better good for Briar but it broke Billy's heart to do it. He would let him run in our woods but the highway was too close. He was "born to run" and Billy could not keep up with him. He was sweet, not aggressive, but he was a hunting dog and went to a home with a big pond and big barn and a man that was young enough to run with him. It was Billy's last dog.

One good thing, Scott is still working. He works nights and goes up to the 7th floor of the VA Hospital and takes a picture of the flag (waving today), and told how it was always an inspiration for him to see it flying in the wind.. I think today was the anniversary of Desert Storm that he was in submarines during. My dad used to prefer nights and I worked them seven years. Scott and my dad are a lot alike. Always in a bad mood when they wake up, or get woke up. He says he does not remember me being that way. I wasn't, but in the early 1970's, I was under a doctor's prescription for amphetamines, so I just did not sleep much. He, my daughter and granddaughter must have vampire bloodline somewhere because I could not have done it without the drugs. I will say again, they were legal (but a horrible thing to get off of). Should not have been legal.

Those with lung problems will understand. I wish my sister had family and friends in a dry climate. Louisiana is always humid, selfishly, I have always loved the humidity (inside my A/C apt.). Marcy and I both had allergies. Mama always said she did not know whether to pray for rain or no rain. Mine were better under humid conditions, Marcy's were terrible under the humidity and she loves NO and had lived there 29 years. She lives in these apartments, I am 105 and she is 210, just a corner walk. We had our cell phones but were without electricity from very early morning until dark last night. One time I could not get her on the phone and walked around the corner and she was in her car with the A/C on taking a breathing treatment.. Most will understand the numbers, but she is just a couple of numbers from requiring oxygen. And we were lucky. I did not want to exaggerate too much so I said 10,000 without electricity. Actually, it was 10,000 to 100,000 without it. My daughter never lost hers (30 miles away), but the main street, about a mile away from her, "Airline" had signs laying in the road, power poles down, trees on top of everything. We got a side of it with many limbs and trees down. Some of Bossier City still do not have electricity and a phone call to SWEPCO said some would be 5-7 days or more without. Now, this is the very north tip of Louisiana, probably less than 30 miles from the Arkansas line and some on up into Arkansas are without electricity and trees down there also. It was not as bad as "Katrina" but was about the same as "Rita." I'm not even going to ask why the women's names are the most dangerous ones. With this COVID quarantine and things that need to happen and cannot, I guess I have been very depressed. And, I am one of the lucky ones. Possibly because this time five years ago we found out Billy only had possibly six months to live. I hate to say this, but you actually do relive those times. I have a tiny LED lighted Christmas tree next to his wooden urn and it went without lights for a few hours. I don't know why I look for those lights to be on. We get silly notions sometime. Thank y'all for considering us. Actually, I always feel safer being in north Louisiana, but we still get those tornadoes spin out of the hurricanes, but I try not to think of them. This time "Laura" was just so strong she stomped us all the way from the coast up into Arkansas and I think Missouri and maybe further. We were lucky but I will never forget seeing my sister having to take breathing treatments in her A/C car. The doc offered her anxiety pills if she would quit smoking, but I do know tobacco, and I know my husband could never let it go even though he wanted to. He couldn't smoke, so he took the Copenhagen. My sister thinks it will make her go fast and not have Mama's Alzheimer's. Between her, my daughter's platelet fight, and my granddaughter's agoraphobia, I can only pray things work out. I still have my mustard seed.

Kieron, good analogy.

We had a golden and she was all love. Dixie was her name. I'm short and she loved to be loved. She knocked me over (I didn't have far to fall) and she had me right where she wanted me. She had me where I could not move but to allow her to love on me. Sweetest dispositions of any dogs we ever had. Even the labs.

There are people who think because you have not "paid into the system" you should not be granted anything. Well, other people had maids and house care people that worked for years and the employers did not pay into SS for them. They get too old and they have worked all their life. To me it does not matter if a person has not worked as many years as we did or pay as much income tax as we did, what matters to me are people like a group of trailers that have been in this delapticated park for 40 years and they get a five day eviction notice. The people have no money, the water system is bad (why don't they outlaw such systems?) and this 84 year old woman has lived there 40 years. Her trailer would not hold up to moving. She has no money to move it. They are all in this condition. Maybe I have been inside too long (no, I really get out), but I have never seen this in my lifetime. People have lost their jobs, businesses are closing, and if I had the money I would save all those people in that park. I don't. I live 1st of month to 1st of month. I'm comfortable but I cannot help any more people than I am already. I sure wish I could. If I won the lottery I'd buy them a trailer park with new trailers and good water. My family is okay. So many are not and I want to save them all. I don't even know if we still have a lottery. I think I'm getting political......sorry. Would rather get religious.

People do not understand my feelings about the medical system and want to label me with names. I don't like labels. I do not understand Canada and other countries "free health care" for all citizens. I am not a good person to attack our system because I've always had insurance from the same source, my state job (government) and my retirement insurance from the same job used secondary to my Medicare. I'm not out of pocket anything. We were going to be for Billy's chemotherapy $6,000, and our insurance would not cover it. In my mind I instantly moved out of our house into our automobile and decided every cent we made would go toward the possibility of curing him. We had had so many miracles that I was sure this would be another one. I had no worry except making sure he was cured. I did not doubt he would be cured. I walked out of that office after letting her know I would find the money to her coming after me and telling me a grant had picked up the whole $6,000. A sigh of relief? No, there was no doubt that he would be saved, we had faced this before, we would beat it again. We never were turned away, never had to wait, and Billy did not wait either, he just left very soon. Billy had twice a year doctor (specialist) checkups and laboratory. He just fell through the cracks. Someone did not review his lab work. Never got a bill from that doctor, he was a family friend, Billy's doctor for about 18 years. I saw the two separate people in the line in front of me at the pharmacy. They brought about 3-4 sacks of medicine and he chose one, he could afford it. The same with the woman in the other aisle. (Six feet apart, masks worn), and she picked one prescription she could afford and sent the others back. I get four prescriptions twice a year. That is 12 months of prescriptions and none of them, all four together, come over $15 a month. I owe no doctor bills. Of course, I don't go to the doctor, but with my insurance, the state government retirement insurance and Medicare, I still would not owe very much, if any. My state retirement insurance picks up what Medicare does not. But I am considered a label, a name, because I want insurance for all. Elderly people are having to choose between food or medicine. That is not a fair choice. Maybe I live in a fairy tale world. I missed two solid months of work, probably more, when I had cancer and never missed a paycheck. I had not used up my annual leave or sick leave, had used it only as I had to and I had enough leave. People, when they are sick should not have to worry about whether they can eat, go to the doctor, or buy medicine. I have been fortunate in choices, not smart, just lucky. But, we used to have a health system that helped those that could not pay. I retired from that state hospital. One year the hospital made a profit and the government swooped in and took the extra money we could have bought new health curing/finding machines. So, I saw the government against the government. The New Mexico hospital I worked from my home for, they had a clinic where people that could not afford it could go for medicine. I do not know how other countries provide free health care. I heard a nightmare of long waits. Well, what is Kay having to do? A friend of mine could not find a rheumatologist that she could get an appointment with for three months in any of three big cities. I can't be fixed, so I go through my days treating my condition the best way I can, the way that has worked for six years. The only time I have been sick was when I went to a new doctor and she tried treating my grieving as depression. Sometimes you do not give antidepressants to old people. I did not go back to her and I have to just be careful and hope and pray I stay as fortunate as I have been for six years because I do not like doctors, hospitals, or our medical system that I worked 43 years for. Now, I'll get off my soap box, my word salad dish, and I'm just sick of us having to beg for medical care when we need it.

You've heard of humidity so thick you could cut it with a knife, well after dark that is how it feels outside. And I gripe, but I did not have A/C until Kelli was born in 1967, so somehow I lived all those years. I'll bet it is beautiful up in Canada. I watch Heartland just to see Canada. But, this swampland is home. I wrote an answer to Gwen's note after Marty's. I don't know where I put it.

Karen, I carried some things out to the car just after dark. I swear the hot humidity had to be pushed out of the way. One thing we have loads of is humidity. My sister made a walk down to the office to leave a note about some things that need fixed. She is a smidgen away from having to have oxygen. She walked around by my apartment about 9:30 and had to come inside for awhile. She couldn't breathe in the humidity and forgot it is uphill a little bit to my apartment. I'll bet she uses her car next time. It is a big apartment complex.

Dee, I'm so sorry it is hard for you to leave. I can only imagine the pain my friend and neighbor in Arkansas feels. I actually do not know if she has found a small house or is moving to assisted living. That small town built the most beautiful nursing home and assisted living facilities up on the mountain where the view shows all the valley below. Her husband, a contractor, built that home. The street next to it has a beautiful dark brick home where she raised her two children, within eyesight of the home she has for sale. It has three floor levels, is beyond beautiful, made of native rock, but before I left she said it was going to be too much for her. She grows flowering bushes, trees, annuals, and we used to take pictures in fall and spring of her yard. But, she is at least 80 now and even with all the family and friends (this is her hometown), she cannot afford to keep it up. I'm griping about keeping alive a gardenia Bonsai, I cannot imagine her worry with so many flowering, beautiful plants. My heart hurts for her and you. It makes me glad I was not a homesteader, but honestly I have had times I wished I had of been. I drive by places in the country here and still think "Billy and I should have done this" because the yards are so perfect, the houses so home looking. Then I have to tell myself, we tried it, we've been there, we even cleared off the place to build the house "of our dreams" and moving into it, we hated it. It was like trying to tame two wild animals to live in a cage. We couldn't do it. The stress of it all drove us away from each other. I thought it was what he wanted. We picked out the RV and I never slept in that house again. We just could not be tamed into living in one place. We really tried twice more, one time staying long enough for the kids sake to keep them in one school, but we were not happy. We did it to keep Brianna in one place without constant moving when she was small. It just did not work for us. We all are so different. Like I've said before, the only house I cried about was our Holiday Rambler RV, when we sold it and moved into the stix and brix house. I had such hatred for houses I would envy every RV I saw on the highway. It took losing Billy to make me become tame, and that is because you put old animals into a cage, they realize they have to stay if they lose their mate. I feel I was born to run wild, but I cannot without him. I know my friends that are afraid they will have to leave their houses. So, I understand your feelings from them sharing their fears of having to leave. Mama was not going to leave her home. My sister gave up a lot of her life to make sure she stayed in her home. My heart feels for you.

Dee, I know Kelli. She still has to take shots to build up her platelets and they just take the starch out of her. She is a hard one to keep down, even sick. I don't think this made her sicker, but I do think it prolonged her illness when she gets the enzyme shots. She always gets sick and runs a fever for a day afterwards, nausea and lassitude. I cannot keep her from "escaping" when she feels good, but she got her all clear from Covid on Friday and Friday night was out off the river camping by herself. Not afraid. She is her father's daughter. She did come home the day after the 2nd night. I know the Covid wiped her out. Having company so long wiped her out, and then the shot last Monday has kept her in bed all this week. Low grade temperature. I told her to call them Monday and cancel the next shot. She just ran her whole system down trying to feel good. She is a hard one to hold down until she just can't go. I will go tomorrow and check on her. Scott works in a hospital where they have Covid and they have a strict rule (Kelli and Scott) that his clothes go directly in the washer and she disinfects them and his sheets. They get along living together very good.. I'm happy about that. She likes to cook when she is feeling good and he will go get her food when she is ill. Takes a lot of worry off me. It is so hard to keep her stabilized when she feels good. I hate her to be sick.