Margm

Pretty bracelet. Down here in the south, I opened the front door and it was like opening the oven door. I need to get out and drive to my daughter's house. She got the Covid "all clear" on a Friday. She came by and we bumped elbows, they are afraid to hug me. Scott works in the hospital and since the Covid he has steered clear of me. Of course, Kelli decided to go camping she felt so good.. I told her she was an idiot and I was sorry idiocy ran so rampant in our family. She put her tent up and stayed up all night listening to what sounded like huge cat sounds. This was on the river up in Arkansas, no one else was camping there. The river was wide enough a large houseboat passed by and anchored further on up/down river. She moved her tent the next day and in spite of two men offering to help with her tent, she put it up again. Temps got down in the 60's. It gets cool on the little mountains of Arkansas at night. She packed up, came home in time to go get her enzyme shot on Monday. Her doc called her "idiot" again. He and I felt the same about it but she was so tired of being tied down and washing sheets and clothes. Daily job with Scott working in hospital. He showers, puts clothes in washer. They provide him scrubs but Kelli always has to pour in Pine-Sol in her washer. That enzyme shot has put her in bed all this week. Scott sleeps days and Kelli has always been more comfortable sleeping days, Brianna also. Not me. I sure sleep a lot more with this Covid quarantine. I really miss all the daylight and read most times to 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, so sleep the day away. Don't know what we can do. This world is upside down. Kelli has to have another enzyme shot Monday. Her platelets were making new platelets, I wish they would wait a week. She has been in bed all week. We hate it so when our friends and children are ill, no matter the age. I don't know what to do with my gardenia Bonsai. I read directions. I even have to give it two capsules of lead or iron a year. It is dangerous to give me something that cannot take care of itself.

I like the fact that you are not afraid to face the world. Some of my friends have not gotten out of their house since March. They order the food and it is delivered. I was surprised that so many did that. I have fear, but when we need something I take measures as safe as I can. But when I get there we all have to be the robot zombies. No one looks around (unless you get too close), then there are the ones I like, who shop with family and act human, but wear masks too. Sometimes fear breeds fear and I have to talk to myself. My sister bought me a little gardenia Bonsai tree for my birthday. I've never seen one but I kill everything that grows. I've got to try to keep from killing it. I put it in the middle of the dining table. I can get sunlight from the patio. I am famous for killing plants. She gave me a plant when we moved into the house in Arkansas. I kept it alive for 10 years and it was too big for us to move. The woman that bought the house use to have a plant nursery, so I guess I left it in good hands.

Well, I hate birthdays. Guess it is necessary to have them if you keep on living. I'm not going to get all slobbery. I know God left me here because there is something I need to correct (more than one thing, actually). I have not always been a good person. I'm still not. I have the devil on one shoulder and damned if he does not sit on the other one too. I'm not looking to have stars in my crown, I just want to get there. I wonder if I can get there from here. I have learned not to get myself so shook up I need a Xanax. And, I try to stay out of trouble. I'm doing okay that way. But, 2020 has not been a good year for any of us. I guess I better quit while I'm ahead.

Joyce, the summer months have many repeat reminders for me. I'm sorry for the sorrow of the day. I really quit reading, watching, anything for October. It was our favorite month to take pictures of the forests. Cannot get rid of the calendar, but I would dare to leave off that terrible, and yet one of our favorite months. Maybe he left at a time we both loved, but for the ones left behind, it is a torment anyhow. Kay, when we lost those big front porches, we all denied ourselves the community power of front porch visiting. My dad had his country music, bluegrass get together on Mondays. Our big front porch was full and the musicians filled the living room and kitchen. People brought lawn chairs. Windows were open. Neighbors were sitting in their yards. That was small town, wonderful neighborhoods, a time very few get to take part in anymore. Definitely not 2020. I'm glad I was part of that time.

I am moving this from under the topic I was writing under. It is just another of my word salads. Kay had mentioned my continuation of my random driving "with Billy" on drives I like to take by myself. She is right too. If we find something that adds to our comfort in any way, if we are able to do it, then do it. I live in a fairly small town. Down the block is the highway. Not traveled much, it is the opening into miles and miles of blacktop roads in any direction, no cities. It is a wonderland of clouds (and I love driving in the rain), not downpours. One road I was on, I only had one car come behind me for probably 50 miles. You can "think" and remember on these roads. You do need to watch out for deer. In the city all you can do is "be careful, be watchful, be mindful of other drivers. Most of these roads I have visited my grandparent's relatives on. They (their/my ancestors) still live somewhere around close. Of course I don't visit. You do think about a time in the distant past though when Sunday afternoons were spent visiting my grandparents siblings. Back in those days, living so far out in the country, you didn't call ahead. There were no telephone lines. I cannot remember if they had electricity, but they all had big front porches with swings and a lot of rocking chairs. They usually were on the front porch just waiting for visitors. People were welcome back then. And, there was always the "dog trot" house with the well at the corner of the house, the bucket you let drop with the rope and the always handy long handled galvanized dipper that had the coldest water on such hot summer days. We obviously didn't have germs back then, because we all drank from the same dipper. The porches were cool with big trees in front. As a kid you took it for granted that is how everyone lived. The fireplaces and the feather beds. I think I was lucky to have that piece of Americana. I did not miss TV or A/C. I would now. But, they had epidemics. The year before Billy was born, his family lost a daughter (a sister he never knew) on her first day of school. We have vaccinations for those diseases now. I hope we find one for this one. Psychiatrists are going to have to treat a lot of agoraphobia.

I am terrible with numbers. When asked either phone number, I draw a blank. Given a moment, I do know my cell phone number. I have gone through a ritual that is strange (but I am rather strange too). Anything published or produced in 2015, I won't watch or read. Billy will be gone five years October 17th. Oh, somewhere in a years time is Father's Day, Valentine's day, Christmas, Anniversary. We had #54 in July of 2015. Strange (need to check the thesaurus) but I keep adding the years on. He is not here bodily, but he is here in my heart and we just passed #59. We never made big celebrations. I remember some. We took his mom driving around on our 3rd (oh joy), our 25th was spent on a tiny river in New Mexico and my kids had a big banner made and attached from one end of the front of the house to the opposite side. On our 50th, he became very sentimental and I received flowers, cards, reminders all day. (I forgot to get him a card), that was my biggest remembrance.) Billy was a kid.. He loved presents. Kelli ordered him one pair of hip waders one birthday or Christmas and two pair came in. He wanted to keep both of them, and he did. My "Billy the Kid" is very much missed by his own family. My birthday is this week and I really hate remembering them. My kids seem to want to remember though. I am like my Grandma who hid the gifts she was given for Mother's day, Christmas, and her birthday. Then, special occasions she would re-wrap them and re-give them. Many a time someone would say "I gave her that last Christmas." But, with him gone, the dates fall on me like a lead balloon. There are good days, there are bad days, and the way we have it now there are vanilla days that we ask "did it rain today" and someone says "I don't know, I have not looked outside." We are all sort of a live, human, robot, zombie, and we hurry in, don't look up, get what we need, hurry out, come home, change clothes, shoes, shower (and I'm so tired of showers). One thing I have perfected, I do know how to bitch, but I've always had that ability.

In Martin Short's book, his autobiography "Martin Short: My Life as a Humble Comedy Legend" he talks a lot about losing his wife (also her name) Nancy. He would have a cocktail each night and one for Nancy. He would carry on conversations with Nancy, maybe even answer for Nancy. This would go on for a long time each night and then he would say, "Nancy, where are you?" and Nancy quit talking to him for the night. I read the book starting July 8th, 2016. Billy had not been gone a year. I don't know why it seemed to help me, but with his humor, in his terrible grief, he made losing Nancy the hardest time in his life, and I understood him so much. I tried that often, to read books of women and men who had lost their mate, but this one I will always love. I of course sleep with a pillow sham on Billy's side of the bed, with his folded every day clothes inside. We have our burial plot where they will just empty his beautiful wooden urn into a plain box along with mine. I wonder if he minds being buried all along with my relatives. I looked at his relatives cemetery and it is not kept up as well as our cemetery. I also have a very small Christmas tree with the Led lights that last forever. Turned off once to move here and all of his personal hats, his phone, his wooden cabinet with the glass covered red velvet shelves holding his collection of animal calls (he had quit hunting a long time ago but had a lot of collectibles). People think someone should go with me on short trips. (I no longer go further than 175 miles one way). They don't understand, that is when I talk to Billy. I am not by myself, he is with me. I also talk to the moon at night, to Billy. I asked my friend if she did this and she said "You're still young in your grief." I will always talk to him. My heart goes out to you and we keep them with us the best way we can as long as we live.

I cannot compare years, age, century, time of day, cause of loss or anything. Nothing compares. It is ours to bear. All I know is we all miss someone so terribly that we would not know the word "happiness" if it hit us in the face. It is like that word has gone and we have to give it a new definition, maybe even new spelling. As always, my heart is with you. It was wonderful to have loved someone so much, and that makes it so hard to define a word for living without them.

Agree. (Probably shortest note I've ever written).

I agree with this Kay. Sometimes I wonder what is packed in all those boxes. I feel like every one is Pandora's box.

Billy and I had already started plans of moving by buying the new RV. We traveled home in it and we slept in it a lot when he was sick, but we never went anywhere in it. I was so sick and nearly died (miracle) in 2014, and we bought it in early 2015, and I really think he was planning if possibly I went first. I would have been okay with that.

I had my income tax money last move. I hired it moved with a mover. It was just less than a mile away, all of it downstairs. They moved all my boxes and stacked them just like I wanted, all my furniture (two huge recliners too) and it was all done within an hour or less. Easiest move ever. My daughter is the queen of packers so she did all the packing and even nailed up things on the wall. Still don't know what is in the boxes. I get curious sometimes, but I like the cocoon they provide my bed. Of course, I did have that one fall between them. I had upset stomach and fever, not being careful. Kind of glad they were there. Lost another lifelong friend Wednesday. They had been married 57 years. Small town, all his life, three children and seven grandchildren, all living in close proximity. A really good person. I feel so sorry for his wife and family. Like Hettie told me, "we are getting at the age we are going to lose friends." Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to live at the top of a mountain in Norway and know no one. "Into every life a little rain must fall" but I'm tired of floods and COVID. I wonder if they are working on a good medicine for agoraphobia.

Billy loved his grandkids with as much love as he loved his kids. One night when Angel (the oldest) had bronchitis he went and slept on the floor beside her crib because her parents bedroom was on the other side of the house.. They didn't seem to mind. But when they divorced and the mother took them so far away when they were 9 and 5 we thought our world had ended. Then along came Brianna and she was Billy's. Kelli shared also. She was working long hours as a nurse. She still lived in Louisiana. One night at 2:00 a.m. he traveled to Louisiana (175)) miles to get her so her mama could sleep, and of course Billy could be her Nanny, or Manny. When Billy left he took most of my heart with him. I knew I still "loved" but it seemed a bother to show it. I know how he would take care of Brianna and I do the same. I saw my great granddaughter, I am sorry to say, I can't describe the feeling, I did not recognize it and did not miss it when it was gone. So maybe Ally took so much of your heart, it is hard to describe how you feel. I understand that. It is like happiness. How are we to know when it returns? Can I have happiness without him?

Dee, I've never tried to find my first post. It was three days after Billy left and I had been for sure suicidal, and I can't read that again. I don't know how I found this forum, but maybe I had a little help.

Dee, if you have been in your home "forever" then I can imagine you are leaving so many memories you do not want to leave. There are times when I ride by these places we both knew that I wonder "why didn't we settle down to one house after retirement." Well, to begin with, neither of us were homesteaders. We tried it. We built Billy's dream house he had always wanted, just like he wanted, right on the water of the lake he wanted to live on. We had a big porch overlooking the lake (it would never flood us because we built up the hill from the water. We had a big "T" shaped dock. We never sat on that porch and we quit fishing. Billy's folks had rented all their life and he could do minor things (like screw in lightbulbs), We had cleared off the two acres. We cut trees, I mowed over a yellow jacket nest that flew up my pants. I had to come out of my clothes to get rid of them. Our oldest granddaughter was with us, Billy was knocking the yellow jackets off me with his cap, and Angel was screaming "Papaw's whipping Mamaw!" Cleaning those two acres was an adventure. We enjoyed that. (except for the yellow jackets). The dream was the house. We had it. We both felt held down by that house. We bought an RV. We moved it to the other side of the big city and separated for six weeks. We had lived 17 years in one house, put in two A/C units, two new roofs, and actually felt in prison. But, the kids were most important, keeping them in the same schools. When they graduated we moved to a tiny outbuilding on the lake, a tiny house we had moved there. We loved the idea we were "free." We went through 3-4-5 RV's, cannot remember. I only ever cried over one house. The 1996 Holiday Rambler with pull-out we sold so we could move into a stix and brix house to help Scott get off drugs. I cried when they pulled it away. I went through "nomad withdrawal" for awhile. Then settled down in the most beautiful place I had ever lived in. Plumbing needed redone, it was something all the time. We were putting it up for sale and going back RVing, but Billy left without me and I got rid of the house. Will never live in a more beautiful house, more beautiful surroundings, safest place I ever lived, and I could not stand to be even on the road it was on. I didn't put it on the market, I did not get any money out of it, (I really could have), but the people who adopted the house were in love with it and it deserved to be loved. They had papers drawn up, lawyer signed off of, and it is theirs. I do not miss it. There were 10 (I think) houses on that circle drive and five husbands died while I lived there. I bought probably 15-16, maybe more, of those big plastic boxes that had tops on them. There was some man came by and he was loading his truck with outside furniture, hose, etc. I lost most all of Billy's fishing equipment and all of mine. We had just bought a new rod and reel Billy had picked out for me. I couldn't fish without him anyhow. I never kept antiques or anything of real value and have not even looked in about 14 of those plastic boxes. This irritates my granddaughter. They make fun of my bedroom as I have boxes stacked in piles of three in some places, two in others. I have the California king sized bed and with all the boxes around me I feel like I was in the RV again. I feel totally safe. I have not needed anything from any of the boxes and don't want to open the scar covered wounds. You will make it just fine. One of my widow friends on that old street, Billy left in October and his friend (our neighbor) Bob left on Christmas day after Billy. She moved out of that huge house, gave it to her daughter and family, and moved the cutest little mobile home, sparkling white with a front porch, she moved it right next to her home, situated hanging over (built up from) a gully with big rocks in it. No yard to keep. Her name is Carolyn and I said "good for her." A tornado has never touched that part of where we lived. This is long, we don't all have the same personalities. Some of y'all are real homesteaders and might find it hard to leave. I won't leave where I am now, except permanently. For my granddaughter's sake, I hope she can start a life before then. I hate to leave things unfinished. I wish you the best Dee. I hope it is a smooth transition. I just did it without thinking. Widows sometimes try not to think when the loss is so new. I'm glad I couldn't think or reason. I'm as okay as I ever will be.

I have actual anxiety about leaving my apartment. Of course, I could be going through all those big plastic boxes. I do not want to do that either. I do admit, my interest is piqued by what might be in them. Then I tell myself, I have not missed it, why bother with it. I think Randy Travis had a song with words (not following his words), but "picking up bones, bones that would better be left alone." My mind keeps singing that when I get the urge to go into those boxes. My granddaughter has OCD for cleanliness and we are definitely the "odd couple" and those things in those boxes would not bring up memories like they would for me. Besides, I have my bed surrounded with them. I don't care what my bedroom looks like. Right now they are safety. I am boxed in and I like it.

Yes they do. The only thing that worries me is the three old girlfriends who are already where ever he is. Are we supposed to trust Angels? Supposed to be perfect, but I wonder if that means perfect place or perfect for him? Jesus will throw me out if I go around fighting people.

Blame it on Missionary Baptist brain washing, I call it that, but I also call it teaching. I am not against after death experiences, I think I have had them, but I also have an immense imagination. It is too soon after seeing Billy's head on my chest, my heart side, accidental probably, REM sleep explanation, but I can still see him and also see with the blink of an eye, it was gone. I'm already haunted some times by things I do not know what they are. Some places I might go into but have to leave fast. Billy laughed at me. The Native American women voices going up signal peak (lots of "signal peaks" in the SW), but in my book about this small town in the Gila Wilderness it mentions other people hearing voices. (I read the book after going up the trail). It sounded natural to me, there was some one just above us on the trail, a woman talking to one or more women. Billy had heard them too. But, when they were not there, no explanation for hearing them, when I told the story he denied hearing them. He had heard them. I do go places that I have to leave because I call it being haunted. So, I don't know what to believe. These actual REM sleep visitations I cannot explain, and I wish I could keep them longer than an eye blink. But like my granddaughter said to me when I talk to the moon and the stars, "Mamol, he does not answer you because he knows it would scare you to death." Yep, probably would.

After he left, that first few months, if I would doze off sitting up in a chair, just probably not even aware I was dozing it has happened more than once. The first time I saw his khaki colored pants and I followed them up with my eyes and he kissed me on the forehead, and he was gone. Once or twice afterwards it happened again, but mostly right after he had left. Recently I dozed off in the rocker only to see his head against my left chest, side of his head, looked like I had just gave him a haircut, and his old green Tee shirt and he was gone. It was so real though. I figure it was a phase of REM sleep that dreams come to you, but it has been a long time and for some reason I try not to do this. I just go to bed. You have REM sleep when your in bed usually with dreams. Heck, I dreamed I was fighting in the Civil War the other night. Don't know what side. Had to be the south don'tcha think? I honestly can still see his head against my chest. Billy did not believe in the supernatural. I always wanted wood nymphs and fairies to live in the woods. Never saw any. I enjoy his moment visits. I don't know if my mind is playing tricks, don't care to know. I'll take a second or two if offered.

Usually they are old family friends and relatives. I have two I unfollowed today because of politics. Hard core people. I have not had any stalking though I did become friends with someone from, I think Finland, a professor (he probably was the town's livestock manager, if that. Nothing intelligent was said, so I blocked him. Sometimes some of my sister's intelligent people and I cross paths and I turn around and go back. Kinda like penpals when we were kids. I wrote to a nice Japanese boy when I was 15 or so that sent three pair of chopsticks. That was fun. I really don't have that many and they are mostly cousins, classmates, family.

My granddaughter has been on all of them for five seconds. When she was in Arkansas she told how another girl had bullied her, to a friend, and that friend had a friend who Bri did not know, from a state she has never been in, but Bri is so darn innocent and sweet, other people want to fight her battles. The police came to our house and wanted to speak with Bri. Brianna had no idea who the girl was or how it happened. She was about 14. It scared her for life. She will get on one and then she will worry all night, cannot sleep, so she gets off. Right now, she is on none. She is afraid she might unconsciously even do something in her sleep. The phone does not, and has not stayed in her room at night.. It is some evil thing. But she has a best friend that they text all the time. No social network at all. My family and I talk to each other and our old friends on it. I get rid of anything political. I'm afraid I do use it. But, if I get too perturbed, I know how to delete my post, which I have done several times. I keep hearing my mama in my head "fools names and fools faces always appear in public places." Here I am.

We are thankful for the blessings we are given. Let a guy on my FB, second time asking, and he loaded it down with political rhetoric. I don't do politics but I do tell them I won't block them, I just will snooze them 30 days, or in this guy's case, I will unfriend him. We don't know each other that much. Scott's old school buddy jumped on a non-political note with his religious political ignorance, and that is all some blowhards are. Scott told him he had served our country, he still works with veterans, and can this guy say the same. We all have our own feelings about things, we just are trying to stay healthy. Just like that though, a lifelong friendship ended. That young man has been trouble before and stalks people he once knew. He was a well liked football player, a down the street neighbor that has become some fanatical stalker. A very angry person. I'm sorry for people like that. Your sister was a brave woman Kay. I'm glad her other son grew up the way your folks raised him. My sister teaches at a college where most of the students could grow up with bad attitudes. I was happy to hear their attitude was that they were born in this country and had as much right to live here and be an American as anyone else. Not angry young people and those are the kind of people I hope we can leave our country in their hands when we have to leave. I cannot make much change, except in my own attitude, and being born in the 1940's, I have had attitude adjustments my whole life. I get taught new lessons often.

Beautifully put and so true.

Born August 13, 1942. My mom was in labor for eight days (in the hospital), our town physician was an alcoholic, but he was still a good GP. He birthed all the kids in that little paper mill town, came to the homes, took payment in what they could give, bought medicine when they could not afford it and though my mom needed a cesarean, she saw an Angel sitting on her bed and was awarded a fire red haired baby (she never quit looking at me like she didn't know where I came from,) with her and my dad being brunettes, she was a great mom for about nine years and a noisy mom from then on out. She kept me protected, fed, clothed and I am sure did her best. I'm a different character and Billy, I am sure, has stars in his crown for putting up with me 54 years. And Gin, I hope your knees are okay. I just went down to pay my rent (put in drop box) and I have to go down a steep incline and climb back up it, and quite a few steps. My knees must be okay. They made it. I cannot brag too much, it was very many steps and I'm so out of shape.

Gwen, my age bothers me (and I cannot imagine really why), but maybe because we lost Billy, I get the feeling (and words) often about what is my granddaughter going to do without me, this was voiced even from my other granddaughter in her 30's, (I think 37). They voice it all the time to my granddaughter "what are you going to do if something happens to Mamol" (me). I honestly am a disaster waiting to happen. If anything breaks I cannot take pain pills. If anything from my midsection to all my female parts happens, I cannot be fixed. I go to my medical clinic twice a year to get my four medications refilled. My diet I have to follow is a disaster waiting to happen, (and I am knocking on wood), I am the only one in the whole family that has not had to have any intensive, or actual medical care since 2014. But, I am aware of all my frailties. My life insurance policy is in a place they all know about. The plans are all made, and to tell the truth, without me they would all have to make radical adjustments. I carry the phone plan on five people and the auto insurance on three. None of us are promised tomorrow, but if I live like I'm gonna die today, if that is all I think about, well, I just might. Mine too.