Margm

The cute waiter would say "call EMS, I'm not picking her up." I've gained probably 25 pounds the last five years. I really don't bounce anymore, just plop. Y'all are all bionic women.

I had written this whole spiel about relatives, personal, past, present history and just got rid of all of it. Suffice it to say, I won't complain. (Which is a lie, I have to complain.) My admiration to all of us women. We are all from sturdy stock.

Thank you. I just really needed a smile today and you gave me one. If we were not under this quarantine I would not be going anywhere anyhow. But, knowing our country is fighting some strange illness that I honestly do not think anyone has any answer to, my apprehension level is hitting the red mark. And, I don't know what I am afraid of. It is just like, "okay, life is at a standstill" and I have developed a paranoia over paper towels. I am just sure they are price gouging us for them when I never really knew what the regular price was to begin with. And, I don't know how I lived before paper towels. They advertise 6 that are equal to 11 rolls. Now, I know they are trying to put something over on me. You have to risk your life to go buy them. And you really can't get sick, that virus is the only thing anyone has time to treat. And, they really do not know how to do that. Had a little family problem, still have it to some extent, but I had to take a stand and I did it rather firmly, I felt. There is always some unfairness to someone and I wish things would run smooth. I think there must be a full moon.

Gin, I did the same a few days (weeks?) back. Landed on both knees. I just sat there with both legs stretched out so I could assess what damage I had done before I got up. My granddaughter was just anxious to help me stand, but I was afraid to stand until I knew. I felt an unusual pain over middle of left knee and had a skinned leg below my right knee. I finally got myself up and both legs held me up good and I could walk. The left knee actually did not bother me. The thing that bothered me the most was my lower back the next few days, and I can understand that. You will be sore, but hope with caution you are still able to move around. Honestly, with things the way they are at the hospitals and clinics, if we can stay away from those places, maybe we will be better off. Hope you do not get too sore.

Ana, you are so right. It does not matter our age or the number of years. Isn't it wonderful to have loved someone so much, no matter how many years.

I think we all share that burden with you for one reason or the other. I have had my fur babies since I was old enough to have them. I was only six or younger when I saw death for the first time. I don't remember if it was "Ring" my Cocker Spaniel or if it was "Wolf" my Scottish Terrier that went first. I saw first hand them being hit by a car and it, of course, killed them. We lived on a dirt road, out in the country, no fence, it was the 1940's. Mama would not let me keep them in the house. I saw the neighborhood dogs jump on my dying pups. I could not understand, but I will be 78 in a few days, and I still cannot "unsee" it. Midget, my little fice-terrier mix got excited at by birthday party and bit me on the face. Mama (you remember my mom, the good ole farm, country girl) took him by his back legs and knocked him up against the house. I would imagine this was tattooed on the minds of all the 7 and younger kids that were at the party. Years later when she was angry and said "I'll knock you up against the house," well, I kind of believed her. (Mama really was not that mean, she just felt animals were animals), and I just loved them. I kept Midget for probably 15 years. He was a tough little fellow. At Halloween, when the goblins came to the door, he guarded the door, all the while having the pee scared out of him. But, he would not leave his guarding post. Bear was my last dog. Kelli brought him to the house. He turned around and looked at us and he looked like a bear cub. He was the Chow. And no, I don't think a Chow should be kept in this hot humid climate. We tried to keep him inside while we worked. He broke the window and screen. He was not our dog, we were his people and he was a guard dog, not one for a pet. When he wanted to be loved, he would come throw his big self against our legs. We would love on him and he would say, "okay, that's enough" and he would walk away. For ages after he "left" I could hear his panting guarding us when we were walking. There was a field of horses, and he did not like them getting too close to us. He would not let the deputy out of the car either. I loved that dog, but he spent most of his time walking out into the lake where he could keep cool. I am selfish. I know how much love a fur baby could give and kind of like another husband, it won't happen. But, oh how I understand your grief and the love has to be worth the grief. We have to forgive ourselves, because we did love. And, some forgiveness will come with time. I know. My heart is with you my friend. And that is what we are still here for, because we not only see the grief, which is hard, but we also see so much love.

I'm sorry you could not see daylight through our grief. There is light. It just shines on one instead of two. I've said this over and over, after my grandfather's death my grandmother was told (after 19 years), "well, you should be over it by now." My grandmother said to herself, not to the woman speaking "It seems like yesterday." You will find, you will grieve deeply because you loved deeply. Perhaps you will see the light sooner than some of us older people. You can look at life, and though he will not be with you, you will be young enough to make plans and know you have a future. We all have a future, we eventually see the beauty in changing seasons, and we still talk to our loved one. I wish you happiness. “But in all of the sadness, when you’re feeling that your heart is empty, and lacking, you’ve got to remember that grief isn’t the absence of love. Grief is the proof that love is still there.” – Tessa Shaffter, Heaven Has No Regrets

We manage to stay away from each other anyhow. They are afraid of giving me the virus. I feel sorry for them being shut up in that house. What a time to visit from Georgia. No one was sick when the trip started, but honestly it could have been a turn around thing and go back home instead of making Kelli crazy having fever and having to cook, and would not let the dishes pile up. Reminds me of what they say about "Fish and visitors stink after three days" Lots of Lysol used.

Actually AT&T sent me an email that mine would be phased out in 2022. Well, in a couple of weeks I will be 78. I'm up, walking, "if it ain't broke, I want them to leave it alone." Had two nasty, stupid falls. Yes, I would have fallen at 50 too. I hurt my knees each time. Can only be thankful they are still well padded. Didn't think about throwing that weight onto those knees, of course between the knees and beginning of my coccyx bone straight on up to the cervical bones in my neck is a behind that carries quite a bit of weight and the jarring of all those bones in days later, well, there was pain. Nothing alarming. Just hurting and I've been doing that for many years. Happens after colon rupture from cancer treatments and sepsis. I'm not griping (although my belly does plenty of that). I don't dare sit in a quiet church, people will be alarmed by the conversations my right colon says to the left and then the transverse colon is louder than them all. But, actually, think doc rearranged everything where neither knows it is the other. So they all talk at the same time. Simple MiraLax every night and don't get too far from my necessity. I'm still walking. No cane yet, although I have one that I tend to trip over. Insides cannot be worked on, cannot be fixed, but have held out since 2014. Just stay on the diet (low residue, low or no fiber). Not a healthy diet. Necessary. I have crosses, angels all on my bathroom wall and have been known to say "Please God, get me through this and I won't touch chocolate again." Some I have learned to stay away from. Cannot process any raw vegetables, nothing corn, very few canned vegetables. Plenty of ice cream, cake, fried chicken, etc. Granddaughter prefers vegetables although I will throw in chicken fried steak strips I cut up ever so often. She loves them. We have been going crazy with this quarantine. We sleep in different shifts. Works out better. My daughter has never had to be still this long and she is really going crazy. On top of that my son's daughter (granddaughter of mine and great granddaughter) arrived at the beginning of Scott's Covid and are still there. They brought their long haired dog that Kelli has had to treat for fleas. Her pup is treated against them. They wear masks, wash down places with Lysol, and Kelli is OCD about her house, dishes have to be washed, food cooked, house clean. My granddaughter is more like I am, but she needs to help. I would. The two girls did not contact the Covid. Kelli is wanting to take her little car to places she can camp out to escape that house., She and Scott do great, but this extra burden has played havoc with her bipolar. On the phone plan, I carry all of us, including my sister. I have no use for one except to call and answer. Fingers shake too much to text. I will sit down and figure it out tomorrow. I have had nothing to drink, nothing to eat, and for my mental health I want to drive through the country of my youth. Might make me depressed. It is not a joke, it is life. A lot of my friends, most of my relatives are part of this Louisiana soft dirt. It is sad. One friend will always be 17, though if he had lived would be 77. Other friends passed away in their 40's and 50's, so they will always be young. Billy will always be 75, though it was a surprise to him and to me that more years were not added on. And so it goes. I've written all this before. Maybe I write it for myself to just remember, and this Covid lifestyle is not good on my brain.

Missy, I was going to make God take me. I had my plans all thought out. I never considered my middle aged children (who were hurting so bad) nor my grandchildren, I just wanted to get rid of what is mostly natural guilt, guilt for being alive and he was not. It was not going to happen. He was not going to leave. There was no doubt in my mind. He was me. But he made a rather quick exit, he did not listen to me when I turned my back on him and told him "no" and he left anyhow. My grown kids found out my plans and in their grief from losing their dad was their anger for my planning on leaving also. We make it through each day, each week, each month, each year. Time does not heal the wound, but we do learn to walk again. My heart is with you my friend.

Maybe it was so long it took two pages. I am not computer literate at times. Maybe I am just computer illiterate at all times. I've still got to attack the "smart" phone. I hate smart phones. I just want my plain old flip phone.. I don't understand 3G, 4G, 5G and sometimes am too tired to wrap my brain around it.

I tell old stories, like I do on here sometimes. I have all the old family pictures and my grandmother's "book" and sometimes people like to read stories. Old stories. I try to stay away from some things. We just mostly visit and find out who is sick, or worse.

I am back in the same parish (county) I was born in, graduated in, was married in, children born in, children graduated in parish we lived in that was all within a 50 mile radius to the place I grew up in. That is why we are able to keep in touch, even one good friend that lives in Wisconsin (we were friends in high school), we have kept in touch. We all went to school together in a little papermill town, most that have/had lived there all their life through the school years were kin in some way or other. I moved away for 20 years about 175 miles away, but when Billy left it was no longer home, so I had to get back to where the roots were, even if they were all in the ground. I wanted to be a gypsy, a nomad and RV the west and I got to do this for one full year, but only with Billy. Some moved away. I still remember the kids. I guess at a certain age, you have memories.

Karen, we have so many class reunions and most all stay in touch through FB. Twelve years and we had 106 in our graduating class. We have lost a few too. I always go into the blue funk when another one goes. Two of my besties went in the spring of this year. I like being on FB with them rather than in person. One of my friends mentioned we had not actually seen each other in over 50 years, yet she lives about 30 miles straight north on the highway that turns into my neighborhood. I told her, "no, I just saw you last night" and the way things are now, I am silly (of course, I know I am) but I like remembering the person I knew in person, and I like to think they look the same way they did the last time I saw them. (Although we all have recent pictures we share) In fact, when I do see my friends I wonder how in the world they got so old. I guess I have a Peter Pan complex. At my age though, I'll just do what I want to do, how I want to do it. No one dare scold me. I have found a way to vacantly lock myself out of the conversation. It helps. Sometimes I remember a young boy who had been a boyfriend for awhile and was killed going asleep at the wheel about midnight. A kid that worked two jobs and lost sleep. He would be 77 now, but instead he will forever be 17. We have all had those lost friends. Some times I don't remember if I wrote on here or to my friends. I did call my aunt yesterday (or was it the day before?) does not matter the time. I got to tell her I love her. She is on hospice now, so perhaps she will finally will herself to leave. And me, well I am here until I go. That's all. Today is my two girls birthday. Kelli was born in 1967 and Brianna in 1999. Kelli was the nurse of Brianna's bio-mom, so she was actually there when she was born. Two lights in mine and Billy's life, and there are more. Scott is fixing to go back to work at the end of the month and Kelli has quit running temperature. This has been a birthday they could not celebrate together and I sure hate that. This Covid has made for one crazy world. Could not find paper towels at Walmart again. I cannot figure out the concept between lack of toilet paper and paper towels in the time of Covid. Life is a riddle, sometimes funny, sometimes just cruel.

Weekend? I thought every day was Sunday. My computer tells me the date by number of the month. I have a new phone to learn. I thought all flip phones were Mickey Mouse phones. This one does "things." All I want to do is talk, not even text. Cost more a month and I let them know how irritated I was. Came down on monthly notes. My problem. I called my aunt to tell her I love her. She is still beautiful but has worn that beauty so long she will not let anyone come see her, and of course now no one should. She has round the clock care. Her son lives next door. She lost a beautiful daughter many years ago, died in her 16-year-old son's arms. My aunt lost her sister, my other aunt, who lived next door, and she is willing herself to die. All I can do is tell her I love her. She has a form of my family's neurological conditions (my physical shaking is not Parkinson's disease) and neither is hers, nor was my other aunt's or my dad's. But my granddad's was. At least I didn't pass that on to my kids or grandkids. The bipolar, I think came from my dad. Billy was so calm and laid back, I knew he would be the last to leave. The old saying "only the good die young" I believe was meant for me and my mom. Well, I am no help at all, am I.

It will be okay. It is good we just have one day to worry about and terrible we are human and worry about many days, many hours. Peace for you my friend. Oh, and the idiocy of my eating the ice cream and coffee has aggravated my "condition" enough that just "getting there" fast is the only thing on my mind. My heart is with you..

I think I actually handle being without Billy about as good as anyone can do this kind of grief. I have family that takes up my time. We all sleep different shifts and Kelli and Brianna's birthdays are the 26th. Certainly we cannot all be around each other and Kelli sort of puts the blame on me, guess she has to put it somewhere. She had 103 temp yesterday and Scott is taking care of her. Temperature does everyone different. In her it builds a fire where she can only make herself worse. Brianna has always wanted to have her own birthday but Kelli wants to make it like twins. I don't interfere except we can't have a Covid birthday and that scares the dickens out of Bri. We will handle it. I had to get a prescription refilled of Bri's, so I had to go to Walmart. Have not been out and it does me best not to watch the news. Kind of got inside myself scared, but I usually just jump on in anyhow, and I did. I actually felt good. Back and knees not hurting. Beautiful white clouds out and I talked to Billy on my way home. I told him that sometimes it seemed like we never happened at all, but I had our two kids to show for it. Came home and when I go somewhere I cannot eat or drink because I will have to be close to my necessity, if I do. Came home and ate legal ice cream and had my cup of coffee. I guess the carbs hit me, I got so sleepy. This happened before right after Billy left. If I dozed off sitting up in a chair, he would momentarily visit me. I know it was a dream, but they were sweet dreams. Has not happened in a long, long time, maybe since I left Arkansas, but the ice cream and coffee sort of made me ill, so I was just sitting in the recliner, not reclined, dozed off and Billy lay his head on my left chest. I even recognized the old green Tee shirt, his short hair, like i had just cut it. Then I woke up too fast. He was gone, but he had been so real. Ice cream and coffee don't go too good together. I guess I didn't handle today like I usually do. It made me sad, but somehow was so real. Guess things happen like that some time. I miss him and I usually handle it so much better than today.

My heart is with you, I'm so sorry.

Gwen, I don't want to say the wrong thing, and I'm afraid I might. You see your loved one hurting and you are going to give her relief. I hate that you have to give her up, but you are keeping her from hurting anymore, and that is a selfless act. I'm sorry for your pain.

Kay, you don't mention it, so will have to conclude they got all edges and results were negative. I'm hoping that is why you didn't mention it.

The last I remember in Arkansas, they had stopped any raising in our property taxes after we got 65. In Louisiana we have Homestead Exemption, and I have no idea what that means, Billy always handled the taxes of any kind. And, as far as renting, I guess they just go up on your rent. I've been doing that four years now and they have not gone up any. Really, handling the utilities, just looking at those numbers are too many to look at for me.

Working nights at the University Hospital, all the sad cases came in. People taking care of older relatives would drop them in the ER so they could go to whatever holiday party was happening. More than one night this beautiful, long haired blond man would be brought in, in handcuffs. He was preaching. He thought he was Jesus. Hurt my heart so bad for him to be taken back to the ER, bring in the shrink on board and tell him he was not Jesus, he was just some schizophrenic low life that needed to take his medicine. Little woman came in once, tiny little black woman, held her purse in her hands up against her chest. Walking fast. Called the doc's down. Just happened to be two that were fighting over one wife of one of them. Fist flying. Little black woman comes out even faster "I'm getting away from here, they crazier than I am." One holiday this old black fellow was bothering no one. He was sleeping in one of the old fashioned wheelchairs with a high back. He slept there so long someone finally checked on him. He was permanently asleep, but he looked so happy in sleep. I got to see the underbelly of life working in a hospital at night. One admissions clerk was yelling at a crying man and woman "you knew that baby was dead when you brought him in here." They had gotten drunk, I guess smothered the baby. No sympathy, all life or death business. I don't know what lesson it taught me, but I sure got to see a lot of sad and sometimes funny things. Only spent seven years on nights. It was enough. Mine and Billy's life/marriage-long friends, he is in the nursing home. A stroke has him bedridden. Their anniversary came up and I think she got to look at him through a plexiglass partition. We are here till we aren't.

Time didn't matter. Some miss the many times we had, we had children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, but I wanted 54 more years. If it had been five years I would have wanted 55. If it had been five months, I would have wanted 200 months. I was fortunate. The young woman I shared the treatment with at MD Anderson was the daughter of a Knoxville surgeon. She too had her grandmother's type of cancer. Pretty, young blond girl. Just married. Her folks were with her through it all. Her husband left for long periods of time, you think his job kept him away. Nope, I'm sure the marriage didn't last and I felt so sorry for her. But her mom and dad were right with her. She was a beautiful young blond woman and I hope life treated her kindly. We kept in touch for awhile, but I could tell the marriage was breaking up and our talks became less and less. My other cancer companion passed away at the same time my dad did, and she was something special. I called her house, talked with her mother-in-law, the funeral had just finished. No need to go give Larry (her husband) a serious talk about life in general. He married the days after her funeral, as fast as you could get a license. I visited her grave and put my plaque Scott had painted. "We met under the tree of life. She was sunshine at a dark time. I will miss her forever. Forever was not long enough." The cemetery in that small west Texas town with tumbleweeds and dry land had a beautiful, tree laden, green, well kept cemetery. I was at peace and so was she.

I'll bet Billy is talking his ears off then. He was a very quiet man until he got around another fisherman and then he wouldn't shut up. I hope they are very happy. 1 Corinthians 13:12/King James Version 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And I've got to go on that. It is not just their birthday or anniversary, Valentine's Day, Father's Day or Christmas, we miss them every day.