Margm

Sorry, must have been too big for one post. Hope I didn't screw up things. I used to type manuscripts and fit them in a box to submit to medical journals. I could fit them in, and that was so many years ago. I had the cardinal picture saved, but it was too big for the box.

When I moved into the apartment after Billy left, a cardinal perched on the wrought iron railing right outside the living room window. I never saw it again. Maybe he knew where I was and it was okay.

It's still running Gwen. Your not in neutral. You are very proactive with your doc visits and possibly you have the same reason we all do. They are not here, but Billy said enough times, "I am you and you are me" and I sure miss that part of me I cannot see anymore. But, even though I cannot see it, we were taught well.

Your in a fog. After nearly five years, there are things I do that I still do not remember doing or saying. My granddaughter is young and she actually is very gentle with me, but sometimes the things I do and say are a joke. I do not mean them to be a joke and when I laugh along with them/her, I do not suffer. The fact that this brain fog came on at the same time Alzheimer's and senile dementia arrive is simply a coincidence. Mama had two wrecks, both her fault. No one was hurt, but my sister followed her home from the mechanic and she drove the country road on the wrong side. Yep, time to take the keys. We are vulnerable because of our age, I will be 78 in August. I do have to gauge some things by "would I have done this at 50?" Strangely, this works for me. I will not argue whether I said something or not. Billy and I had quit doing that, we both knew there was no need to argue whether he said it or didn't, and vice versa. Am I sharp minded? Well, sometimes I am. Are there things I do not understand? Sometimes I really do not remember and know I should. My biggest problem is to remember to do something and forget before I get to the room I'm to look/retrieve something. That has been going on for years. Staying quarantined has put pressure on domestic violence, everyone is becoming a type of agoraphobia we are not used to. Knowing age is against me, I certainly wear a mask. My immune system has nearly flat lined. My exercise level has reached a stubborn place. I have a sit down bicycle, no reason not to use it, and maybe a sort of death wish might make me not care as much about myself. I shower, but I don't want to. That is different. I need to get rid of these boxes, but like a child, I don't want to. So mine is cynical age changes, my missing Billy (but actually, I handle paying my bills, taking care of business very well. ) I do not know what tomorrow brings. Neither do you, him, her, they or them. Hopefully we wake up and just keep going. I wish the best for all of you and have such empathy for everyone who has lost their mate, their loved ones, their fur babies. We are not in a contest...........except something called "life and living"..........or not. Oh, and quit getting your feelings hurt by some ignoramus that will understand your feelings one day, sad but true, unless they go first. If a sister or in-law is cruel sounding, just ignore them, feel sympathy for them, and learn to stay away from them.

I don't think we really get our feelings hurt on this forum. We have had people that were really drowning in their own grief and did not want to see anyone else's grief, but I think we all understand them. I think you mentioned two years your husband had been gone. At two years I had not been able to notice the changing of the seasons yet. There really is such a thing as "widow's brain" and you can find it on line by just entering the words. You don't quit missing them, sometimes it is harder on anniversaries, and so many anniversaries. One year you will see the autumn leaves changing again. One year you will see the daffodils, the apple blossoms, the fluorescent greens of the new leaves and you wonder where they have been. Life goes on and like Rose Kennedy said, we do form some scar tissue over the wound, but it drops off easy. Mine is not easier because we completed so many of life's plans; at 54 years married, we still had new plans. The ones who did not get to complete life's dreams, the hurt is no easier or worse. It is our own. Believe it or not, I would have liked 54 more years, or would have liked to start back on day one. I would not have done anything different, even the hard times made us who we finally were, and he was the best friend I could have ever imagined having. No comparison's of grief. But, at the same time, we on here grieve with you and we understand. We cannot take the burden of grief away, but God must have had something to do with me finding this group three days after Billy left. I had 50 morphine pills and knew a place no one would find me for a long, long time. I was so selfish. All I thought was my kids and family could grieve us both together. I have to say, we are not thinking clearly for a long time, and cannot say we will ever feel whole again. My friend remarried. He had a heart attack on the honeymoon. Both were in their 60's. She took care of him from 12 to 14 years and he left at Christmas. Her grieving came in mixed grief. She had remarried two years after her first husband left. Now she suffers double grief and had to have heart valve surgery she ignored taking care of her second husband. It is all different yet it is all the same. We hurt along with you, and we understand.

I guess every day has some depression in it. It has to. I spend most of my time worrying about my family though. I know if I was gone they would have to make it on their own. My son has a good job, my daughter worked years as a nurse and does get SS disability. I'm worried about my sister. She has so much breathing problems and know she is trying to make a quick exit before Alzheimer's takes her. She took care of our mom and this is her biggest fear so she chain smokes but still manages to stay at whatever level it is that she does not require oxygen. She really wants/needs the oxygen. We are quarantined at a time when my granddaughter needs to be in a college and she could, "on line" but she also needs counseling for her anxiety to just live. Her bio-mom did her no favors taking the drugs while pregnant. A very beautiful young woman that hates her feet on up to the top of her head and tries to hide behind oversize sweatshirts, trying to stay in the shadows. I cannot explain to you how beautiful she is, but being an Amerasian, she fears racists also. If she were the type to enter a beauty contest, she would be in the top five for sure. Natural beauty. She really aged out of the children's counseling and all the others just want to prescribe pills, some good, some bad, some really not known, and she is against taking anything but her thyroid medicine. She won't learn to drive. When we are able to get out from under this, she will need therapy, but talking therapy, not pills. I hope I can hang on long enough to help them. My son always answers "Oh I'm fine" when asked how he is doing. His mom knows him so well that I can tell by the rise and fall of his voice if he is "fine." The birthday was a downer and he lost two good friends lately. I know when the bipolar depression is getting to him. He is more like my dad in that sense. I don't think Billy would have ever admitted to being depressed. Angry...yes. My kids and I stay in touch many times during the day. Scott by Facebook sometimes but always calls me when he gets in from work. This morning Kelli is out fishing the lakes and bayous. She has her chigger/tick spray and keeps sending me videos so I can watch the bobber bob up and down in the water. Not catching anything but a moderate sized catfish so far. I am fortunate/lucky/blessed. I don't take it for granted. If I needed either of them they would be here within 30 minutes. I need to get on the sitting down bicycle, my legs hurt. This quarantine is definitely depressing. I sure hope things get better Gwen and Gin. So much to worry about. I hope this new young doctor/scientist is allowed by the government and Big Pharma to help the world. I've become cynical about a lot of things. Thanks for the shoring up folks, I know I'm not really dumb downed, but get brain tired. Also know I use a lot of southern colloquialisms, just simply because that is what I am, and I love our old southern language. I think it is an old cowboy saying but I think you all are "good men/women to ride the river with." Billy used to tell me that all the time. I was a good one to "ride the river with." I felt it a very nice compliment.

OMGosh, I needed that shoring up. I went to sleep with my Kindle on, watching country music on You Tube. Brianna woke me up at 4:00 a.m. just laughing. I had gone to sleep with the Kindle on my belly or my chest and Kelli called Brianna telling her I had video called her and she could not get me to say anything. Bri came in and informed me Kelli was on video, and there she was. Some old woman was up in the corner of the screen. I didn't know her. Also, I have no idea how to make a video call. I certainly am glad it was Kelli, instead of one of my other friends because Kelli is always awake at that time. That old woman in the corner was me. Really???? Thank you Gwen, that was sweet. I needed that. Seems like sometimes people know just the right thing to say.

I guess I am selfish. I did not read through each post. We have so many different feelings. We have had so many different mates, parents, children, but when we lose one, the grief is personal. That is really why we come here. We get to "know" each one and their loss is understood. I lost Mama 10 months after Billy. Mama had Alzheimer's and we had really lost her a few years before her little burning ember in that magnificent brain of hers died. Born at another time, I would not be here, nor any of mine. If she had been a part of a feminist movement, she might be the head of some big conglomerate. She always told me that the line between insanity and genius was a thin line. Mama walked that line and sometimes clung on after falling off. I am 77, and I have come back "home" actually to seem closer to Billy, but I found forgiveness for my mother instead. Yet, still I have not cried for her. The tears I have cried for Billy would fill up a bayou. I was the one that was sick for so many years, I was supposed to go first. Then I figured I had some reason for being here. Probably needing forgiveness for not honoring that commandment of honoring your father and mother. My heart still is almost flat lined toward that, but they did everything they could for their two girls. Mama had anger toward her parents for holding her down, not allowing her to have her full paid scholarship because the other children in the family did not have the same chance. She did the same with me, but even without understanding, I am grateful to her and my dad for allowing me to live without "want." Some things in the present would be called verbal and physical abuse, but I cannot say I am innocent myself of that and both of my children are right there, if and when I need them. No questions. So Billy and I did something right. So many different feelings. Almost five years after Billy has been gone the idea came to me to call an acquaintance that had been a neighbor and a classmate at one time and ask her a question. (I think I need not to be left alone with my thoughts), and on my trip home I got rid of that idea. What did it matter now? I didn't cry for my mom or dad, and yet I knew love, I never wanted for anything, I was not actually abused except verbally. I grew up in a time of spare the rod and spoil the child and also "children should be seen and not heard." This was how they were brought up. I have come to appreciate my parents and my husband and just await for when my trials are over. I do not want to be any trouble for my kids and hope I have it all taken care of. My "famous" moving boxes, well they can just throw everything away, unless they want to keep it. I was always timid about testifying in our Baptist Church. I was not allowed to use my fingers, just audible. I actually do not talk much. I write plenty. Too much. Word salads. Hold the dressing.

I'm sorry Gin. Maybe they will keep in touch with you. Our getting older is hard. 2020 is a rough year. I too hope you get the chance to visit again with your brother.

I'm reading this. I hope no one gets in their way. Why anyone would do that, I don't know. (I'm currently on Season 9, episode 16 of "Bones." I've finished all of "Criminal Minds.") We used to have to put the words together in medical terminology with studying the anatomy, suffixes and prefixes. Same with drugs. We had nothing but an eight year old PDR and a Dorland's that had to be written in the 19th Century (if it went back that far, we were a financially strapped state hospital). My mind was sharp, I loved doing these minor things and learning them every day. This young man has experience both from a young brain and his own disease. I try to read it and things I used to have sense enough to look up meanings, they are way over my head. I know that Maurice Hilleman and Jonas Salk were not the only men who could save us, I just wish we could see the sun coming up sometimes in the news about "hope." This young man offers hope (if no one holds him down). Do you think I have become very cynical in the past few years? I really have become dumbed down. Thank you, I've got some hopeful reading to do.

It took us many years before we could really talk to each other. Oh, we discussed everything, we never fussed about money, but I paid his infidelity back with my own. We separated late in marriage for six weeks. I had gone to psychotherapy for 15 years. He was verbally abusive, I was one to take vengeance, the last thing I wanted to be was a martyr. He could not accept what I did. So, we separated. Then he got drunk (he was not a drinker), stayed with me and we talked. We actually had about 20-30 years to talk and we did not fuss. I did what I did and he did what he did and the forgiveness was to never speak of it again. We didn't. It was the closest we had ever been, we still had plans, even after 54 years, we had plans. I missed him so much I began to wish that he had left me for the "other" woman. I had so much illness, deathly illness, but I could have handled it on my own.. He was the best nurse I ever had though. His loving me was actually unconditional. I have wondered though, if possibly he had had someone else, someone that did not have illness, if that woman could have kept him alive longer than I could. I know the liver/colon cancer took him and the years of poison from the liquid tobacco, cigarettes before that. But, if it could have kept him alive a few more years, I would not have questioned "another" woman, if she could have kept him alive, if he was still alive, I didn't mind sharing. His life was the most important. Sanctity of marriage, important. Life is more important. I do not expect anyone to agree with me. I am a weird person at times. I'm used to me.

Karen, I talk about my mom's mother, and I called her Grandma. In her late 20's she had had her 7th child, (7 in 10 years) from the time she was 15. A country woman, the little country mouse. The nearest town was a "city" to her and probably was less than 2,000 people. She writes about them all going to the "picture show." The last child was stillborn and the cancer was discovered, radiation followed, sepsis from an instrument or sponge left in after surgery, they called the family in as she was dying. Six babies left behind. My grandfather cursed God the whole probably 30 miles to the hospital. At least he was acknowledging God and somehow she rallied. On the farm she was the cook for all the field hands that worked their farm. Children not old enough to help except to gather themselves around her and Mama said she shook so bad while she was cooking. She did have the luxury of having a "nervous breakdown" and back in the hospital. Must have rested up because she outlived my grandfather about 30 years. My grandfather loved her so much, but life had to go on. He bought her the most fashionable high heels when he went to "town." She went to the chopping block, chopped off those heels and then slopped the pigs.. She was always so practical. She left double digits land to each child and also a few thousand dollars to each child. They put the slips of paper in a hat to decide who got what. In her Big Chief tablet in her #2 pencil her will had this written "please don't fuss" and of course they did. She did this from a tiny, crossroads country store. She was a reader and when she had age related cataracts she thought she was going blind and if she could not read, she did not want to live. All kids gone, son lived next door to her by now. City daughter took her to have cataracts removed and she was happy. Our ancestors did not know what A/C was, only fireplaces and big porches under trees, screened windows. Yesterday my son Scott was 58. July 3rd we would have been married 59 years. He came along eight days before our first anniversary. Billy said he had had mumps and could not have children. He couldn't, but I sure could. Summer months bring back such bittersweet memories. July was anniversary, Billy's, Kelli's and Brianna's birthdays. August was/is mine. And I have to go out today. I have not filled my gas tank since April. Little Ferris Yaris does not take much gas and I get good mileage, but just have been unable to really get out. We are on season 9, episode 5 of "Bones." Only three more seasons to go. Each one is about an hour long (each episode). I went to bed this morning at 5:00 a.m. Had to wait for the mean guy to get killed. (I hope he stays dead). I have had to almost completely quit cooking. It hurts my back too bad to stand for long periods. I'm sure the weight of my hips with my back having to hold them up does not help.

We are on season 8 of 12 seasons of "Bones" and they use flip phones. Now, I use a flip phone, but this was so old and I had never watched it. Just don't watch while eating. It is keeping me up until I have to go to bed at 4:00 a.m. I sleep till noon. I was a morning person. I did get up about 9:30 once and the day was so long. I hate we have to leave our golden years (really rusty iron years) behind with such a downer illness.

Definitely re-quotable. I will use it again, if it is okay with you.

"In the US, young people are testing positive in the South and West as Americans fail to heed mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines." (CNN News) We cannot move into "phase 3" because "phase 2" caused so much rise in the number of cases. We read about the severity of all this but we do not read about anyone trying to do anything but "masks." I know I cannot understand the scientific implications of finding a vaccine, but somehow, all I am reading is trying to prevent it, nothing about trying to rid us of it. Just heard on TV "wearing a mask will help keep Texas open." "I didn't think it was going to happen that quickly," etc. Sure would like to hear they have the best minds working on a vaccine.

Home to me was where ever Billy was. I decided I would go back to where we both started out, where our kids were born and graduated, not the most beautiful place in the world, bothered by weather, flat land and I love mountains (but that was what we both loved), but we and generations before us were flatlanders, where the bayous flow and floods and occasional tornadoes, lots of bad stuff, probably even malaria, if it was still here. As close to home as I can be. No home without Billy, but my kids and sister lives here, and my granddaughter. Home is where the heart is, and this is all the heart I have left.

"Supposedly" my wearing a mask protects other people. My sister has a cough (emphysema) and she wears a special mask. People are afraid of her if she is out in public. I do not like wearing one, but if it makes someone else feel better, I'm okay with it. All the checkers wear the kind I wear. Perhaps if the virus is hovering around my nose or mouth, it will slow it down before it reaches the other people, and vice versa. I have a lot of questions. Jonas Salk made a vaccine for polio. Maurice Hilleman's research helped make successful vaccines for prevention of measles, mumps, chicken pox, meningitis, pneumonia, hepatitis A and B. Not only that, he called a drug company and told them what to do. Have you ever heard of Maurice Hilleman? Not till I started reading up on this stuff, he is gone now and obviously no one is left that is as intelligent as this man was. "Eradication of many diseases is feasible, but requires political support for resources, vaccine development and harmonization of vaccination policies, to be achievable." (taken from Google) Might have something to do with this. I stay at home mostly I keep the extra face masks in the sun. Might not help, just read that the sun did something. I'm missing my sports. Just made it seem like something Billy would miss too.

My dad passed in 1984, a very hard death. Billy's dad passed in the 1960's. Another very long hospital bed, extended death. We are much kinder to our fur babies and do not want to see the extended suffering. My dad had ulcers on his heels from digging them into the egg crate mattress from the pain, despite the amount of morphine had reached the limits that could be given to him. Sitting by his bed the secretions choked him and respiratory brought the "snog" machines. The only time I saw him open his eyes and it was in terror. My sister-in-law lay between the white sheets, no labored breathing, no outward sign of pain, and then she wound down like an old clock. Just did not breathe, did not have any fighting for breath, just ceased breathing.. We all watched things we do not want to bring into our brain's "mind" of the most precious thing in our life slipping away. "And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." (Dylan Thomas) My father raged, Billy's father raged, Billy raged a short while (thank goodness now). At the time I was not thankful. We all rage still.

It is like we are all wandering aimlessly (in our houses or apartments) with no end in sight. My hours are such that I miss my days. We are binge watching an old series "Bones" and it is like an addiction. We just finished season 6 of 12. I have stayed awake until nearly daylight and slept during the day. I feel totally discombobulated. I won't mention aches, pains, because that is what I have lived with for six years and grief has made it a secondary "infection" but comes into the forefront imprisoned. I also know I can get no relief from the doctors, only more pain. I cannot be fixed even though my sister says they could have discovered something new. As old as I am, they are really not that interested anyhow and as long as I can walk and breathe on my own, I guess I am okay. The pain you tolerate. There are many who feel safe enough to go into crowds. The church I watch each Sunday showed the congregation coming together. My little town had about 16 new cases in three days. It has become something we are supposed to get used to. Not having our professional sports seems to bother me the most. It makes it seem like this really is something so serious, we have to become accustomed to. I guess it is. I just do not read of them working night and day on a cure. We seem to be more interested in tearing apart the country for things that are being done , which should not. But, does it take the place of finding a cure? Obviously they cannot. Jonas Salk found a vaccine for polio. We have had scientists that have found vaccines for all the other strains of viruses (except the common cold). And those of us who have immediate medical problems, the word "immediate" seems to have become second. I'm not sure this quarantine is good for aging brains either.

My father, my kids father, my kids, including my son who is a father. It sounds terrible to say "Happy" because we miss most of them, but my son will be over today. He is a grandfather more times than I am a grandmother. Life is life. Some still existing. My picture of my dad holding me is with his brother, who now is about 87. He has "been fruitful and multiplied" also. And that is one thing we all had, even if we cannot remember them. A father. My kids/grandkids had the best father, he was a good mother too, and grandfather, sadly he never knew his great grandchildren. They would have been loved.

Like I said once before, I have never loved a dog like I did that Chow "Bear." But, the police definitely respected the fact not to get out of the car and my brother-in-law respected not to come up our steps with Bear guarding them. He died saving my Mama. He absolutely did, but I would never have another and did not get this one. But we definitely were his people, he was never our dog. To quarantine him after the drunk girl stuck her leg between the fight between him and her dog (in our yard), she had brought the dog over to tell us our dog did not like her dog. No kidding. Didn't like her either.. We put him in the house to keep him put up. He broke through screen and window. Another woman that raised chows kept him. He would not let her get out her back door. Billy went to get him and he was so happy the big fellow sat in Billy's lap all the way home. He left us rather soon after the fight with the raccoon. Within a day. I loved that dog but they do not need to live in Louisiana, only Alaska or the Yukon. Greenland, Iceland, Siberia, North Pole.

I think you said he was part Chow, or is a Chow. He is going to have to be penned up for awhile. I'm sorry for you. I hope you heal fast. The dog, like our "Bear" was wonderful, but he could have killed a person as fast as that raccoon. (long ago story). Hard to keep penned up.

Just like the Native Americans, we have taken over the wildlife's habitat. Behind our apartments is a huge field, empty, except for the deer that still come. Behind this field, their normal habitat, was woods, now it is filled with large luxurious homes. Their habitat has gone. Tell them to move "on down the road." I did not agree with killing of the deer, a truly innocent, beautiful animal, but we have taken over their native habitat. Possibly they will have enough sense to move into the national/state forest that is up the road. I laughed at the word "harvest" instead of the horrid word "kill." Then I learned a lesson in wilderness living, animal habitats, us taking up all their forage. The population will outgrow the amount of land they can live on. I hated "harvesting" them. Then I was shown them dying from starvation. Don't think about the living conditions the chicken we eat have to live in. Don't think of the way they kill your "steak." It is not pretty. My granddaughter is fast becoming a vegan. She goes more into the "animal rights" way of life too. I cannot eat many vegetables, and then cooked, or I would prefer vegetarian also. There were times in my life I did live vegetarian, once for years as macrobiotic.

We visited NM every year on vacation since 1969. Billy's sister lives in the Rio Grande section below Albuquerque. A Louisiana girl, she could not get used to the "plains" section where her husband grew up, I think it is called Moriarty. Our RV club (Escapee's) had their parks in the lower part of Texas, Arizona, and NM. Our first trip was to the Sandia Mountains, the tram and the top of the mountains. I sat on the floor of the tram. Was very afraid. Albuquerque at night is unimaginably beautiful. Our first trips involved the Northeast section of NM, Santa Fe, Red River, Cimmaron. It was so beautiful, I could not imagine going down I-25 to Las Cruces as being so nice. The distance between the beautiful places seemed so tremendous, I did not want to try. Alamagordo seemed so far away. To think, I would have missed all the fruit trees, I would have missed camping on the tiny Rio Penasco in the apple orchard, Billy catching the tiny trout in the "river" I could step across. Camped in the apple orchard, a spring coming out of the ground where we kept our watermelon, the orchard, the stark red cliff mountain right on the other side of the tiny river (in Louisiana it would not have been big enough to call anything but a stream. I would have missed the whole Sacramento Mountain part of NM that was even prettier than the northern NM. The length of time to get to Deming (to our home park) was daunting, then driving day trips to the boothill, to the Chiricahua Mountains across the border in Arizona. Like being in another country and I imagined Geronimo hiding in all the Hoodoo mountain shapes. There was a place called Paradise and it all was. I was so enraptured with NM, I preferred it over the old western towns in Colorado. A truly inspiring group of "mountain islands." And they grow cherry trees and apples in abundance. Even have a winery in Deming (although to me, Deming is forgettable), I'm sorry Deming. But we took the road from there up to Silver City. This is the SW part of the state I missed for years. Out of Silver City is a small town "with history in abundance" called Pinos Altos. Locals called it PA, although I thought the meaning "tall pines" was beautiful. You enter the Gila Wilderness this way and a road off of I-25 takes you to a road that will bring you into the Black Range and the small mountain town of Hillsboro and you are in the Aldo Leopold Wilderness. Head west and you will see Bear Lake, Lake Roberts, and you are in the Gila Wilderness. If you had turned off I-25 (look on a map) you would have gone through the town of Magdalena, (I read a book "No Life for a Lady"), the autobiography of Agnes Morley Cleaveland. She lived way up in the mountains around Datil. That will take you into an old west town of Reserve. There is history and beauty here. A man named Elfego Baca lived here. I think Burt Lancaster played him in the movie. (Name???). Head up into the Gila from there we saw our first real mountain lion. San Francisco River runs through this town and you have many ways you can go.. You can go to Glenwood and walk the "catwalk" or back down to Silver City (a college town, a lot of history). Best be said, there is not much of NM I have not seen. When we were not there, we were dreaming of being there. We had planned on going again. We had the new RV. Billy's brother-in-law had us a RV hookup next to his house. We bought the new RV in March, found out the bad news last day of August, he was gone by the middle of October. See, even old married people still had plans. We were lucky to have had so many years to see all of this, and more, but we still had plans. I can never go back to that beautiful state. It was mine and Billy's and cannot be just mine, even though I am him and he is me. Once we took the RV to an adult camp around Mimbres, NM and they asked to see our license. Thought we were too young back in the 90's. We weren't. If we could have gone back, they would not have had to check our age. We would have fit in with the other elders.

You know, we must have gone in the latter 90's. I took pictures of that tree and the terrain was such I could never figure out how they could get a shot to go straight through the tree. You want to know something ridiculous, we didn't have Google back then and I have never thought of googling it. I feel so "lost in time" and thank you. I loved it out there, I loved Reserve, NM and Luna, NM. I think the Blue or Black River. Billy dreamed of getting back there. We were going to camp on Escudilla Mountain and I got a bad feeling about that place. I think it was up from Alpine. We planned on heading down whatever river that was next to the NM border. Billy had always wanted to stay for awhile in that area and I just felt our kids would do something to make us leave, so I didn't want to stay long anywhere. I was right and we had to go rescue the boy. Never went back. Even long married people have plans too. I got off on a tangent. Memory. Went back and looked up the tree and I think in June of 2019 it fell. I'd like to tell Billy, and I probably will, but somehow I guess it does not matter to him.