Margm

Karen, years ago when we went on our first trip into Arizona, we went down what was called at that time "666" and since been named some other number. There was a tree that had lots of arrows through it down in a valley that I never could understand. I talked to a fellow who wrote for Arizona Highways (I think) and he could not tell me anything about it. I had one of the first cell phones, paid by the minutes, and I saw smoke up in those mountains (bordering Arizona and New Mexico), probably Mogollon Rim, White Mountains. I got a signal but could not call and report the fire. Saw a sign saying "controlled burn" and they probably would have told me to go back to Louisiana. I know you all get a lot of fires and the monsoon season is still a way off. Keep your windows closed and stay inside. Know you don't need the smoke. And, I found those mountains fascinatingly beautiful. We stayed in one of our group's RV parks in Benson. I got to see Win Bundy's Singing Wind Bookshop. She left us alone inside (I was in book heaven) while she looked for her cat. I asked her if there was much land that she owned (it was on a ranch) and she said only one section (what I found out was 600+ acres). I loved it out there. You can live in the hot area but a short drive will take you to a completely livable place (if there are no forest fires).

Gwen, I don't know about the "supernatural." I have a book on my Kindle by Billy Graham called "Angels, God's Secret Agents." I remember my mom quoting something from somewhere about "being careful that you are not entertaining Angels, unaware." Not sure that was how it went. My mother believed in her Angels. My unsupernatural believing husband did not believe in them. Probably does now. My mind is not closed to believing in them, but I have to believe that someone that ministered to the elderly in the nursing homes for as long as you did, you were a special "Angel" to many of those people. But, possibly in hallucination and anxiety, fear, yes, I believe I have been "visited" by Angels. When I was dying in 2014, the nun who came and took my hand, held it and prayed over me, I was semi-conscious, I never saw her again, but I felt a "presence" and at that time I did not think to call it an Angel, but it was peace. The two young girls who sat on each side of the ambulance, I can describe exactly and still see them in my mind, I think they were Angels. The ambulance pulled over once to try to get me to have a blood pressure, and I guess I was pretty far gone. They saved me, they had help from somewhere. My injuries to my septic organs should have killed me. I guess it was just not time for me. Also, at MD Anderson, I think I got to know an Angel. She was taken from me. My mom would argue down anyone if they doubted her Angels. I would not dare do that. She saw one when my dad "left" and taking the pain away from him had to be a miracle to her.

Oh so many memories Marty. My dad (and Billy) would clean a catfish and show me a part of it that had a balloon shaped piece of the insides and it would float in water, like a balloon. My mom, coming straight from the farm, in season the female fish had a yellow sac full of eggs. She would clean the fish and place the eggs back in the cavity of the fish while frying them. (I have to admit, I never ate the eggs), although she called them caviar. (This from a country girl who would fight with brothers and sisters over who got to eat the squirrel brains.) Billy ate one of those fish (with the eggs) and when we left he told me there were some fish he could not eat because they had not cleaned the inside of the fish. (that was the egg sac) and he thought they had not cleaned the whole fish. I had to explain about that. I got to witness my dad cleaning them too, on newspaper and telling me the parts of the fish. Those are memories that cannot be taken away. My grandparents raised their kids during the "great depression" and living on a farm, going to town once or twice a year, they were self sufficient and did not know the "great depression" was going on. Thank you so much for the pictures, the memories. I have many in boxes I have not opened yet. "Many of the most highly publicized events of my presidency are not nearly as memorable or significant in my life as fishing with my daddy." - Jimmy Carter

I don't have a lion, bear, deer, boar, or anything else on the wall, but I do have a bass I caught on one of our anniversary fishing trips. I think it is a personal choice, it was our hobby. I had to get him to sign a paper to quit buying bass boats. We had sold and bought so many. We had a house built on Lake Bistineau. We cleared off our two acres on the water and we had our "retirement" home built. He caught an eight pounder off the dock that was built way out in the water in a "T" shape, built into the cypress trees and the moss. Took us years to clear the trees out, spent many an hour digging plumbing lines to the septic tank. Going to sit on the porch the rest of our life. We lived 2-3 lifetimes in the "rest of our life" and wound up RVing and taking care to get my son off drugs. Spent over 20 years in another state. Billy fly fished the running rivers, I small mouth bass fished. We caught and released all those 20 years, unless we were hungry. Not as many catfish restaurants in AR. A plant called "salvia" took over our big lake and they are still fighting it. We did keep and eat many of the fish. Billy used to beat me fishing most times. I've put this on here before. We took them home and cleaned them. Billy was adept at using a fillet knife and I helped clean the other fish. We used to have big fish fries on the "creek" in younger years where the whole big family fished, big kettle, women folks cut up the tomatoes, everyone cleaned the fish. Older woman is my great grandmother, who I was named after. She would find her fishing place on the creek and if she did not catch any fish, she would not eat them. I think it safe to say our life evolved around fishing. We had no money when first married and as soon as he came in from work in the summer month, spring, autumn (not cold weather for me), we would hit the borrow pits off the main bayou. This was north Louisiana. It had mussel's and crayfish, but we only ate the fish. It probably was one of the biggest parts of my life. Then the industries (which are by law not supposed to empty into our water systems,) we would read not to eat the fish out of different places for different reasons, but mostly unlawful waste from different companies. I quit eating them then. We would have something about them having excess chemicals in the water, in the fish. Not to swim in places. Made catch and release easier to do, the only thing to do. Just part of southern life. Happy Father's Day. Last picture was a young one of my dad.

Sorry. The fish were very alive when released. I did use to fish for food though. Nope, we were just sport fishing, not for food though. Although if one happened to be harmed, we would take it, fillet it and put it in the freezer. No excuse. But, after I get my license I will do it again.

Sorry Kevin. I am not being a conservationist. Billy knew how to fillet bass, I don't. Actually, our catch and release was mostly being lazy. We liked to catch for sport and we released because we were too lazy to take them home and clean them. They were not killed, just terrorized. I think I should be ashamed to say this, but sometimes after a day of fishing, we would go to the catfish restaurant to eat. I know, I know, we are terrible people.

I did not realize Steve had this. My dad had symptoms but actually his lifetime fear was cancer. Billy, I guess, had symptoms for colon cancer, none that I knew about, and the back trouble was from his 30's. No, the last couple of weeks for my dad were spent in the hospital. He was not conscious. Mama swears she saw an Angel as he passed. Mama saw them more than once though and I still cannot explain the hallucination I had of the two young girls that rode in the ambulance all the way to the hospital, but no one else saw them, and I can even remember what they wore, they were twins. This is getting into the supernatural, except I believe in Angels. I also believe in fever hallucinations. No, it is best not to remember the last minutes of our mate.

Kelli brought me her "new" PC because she only uses her laptop. Her degree was in computer (something) and she transferred things in "folders" and I seldom look for anything anyhow, mainly I don't know how, but sometimes I will venture out and start hitting keys, looking at lists. I was so frustrated putting in my passwords. I made a smart new notebook with tabs where each folder was located, passwords, etc. I was on my own. Brianna saw how frustrated I was getting, signing into each old folder, my hands were shaking so bad, my mood was getting as dark as the night, so she came over and gave me new passwords (mine were too easy), and she cut them off short (for my shaking hands). I'm getting used to it.

We were told that with my dad's, but my dad was a young man of 61 when first diagnosed. Still, if he had paid attention to his doc he would have lived longer (maybe). My pastor told my mom to expect a very hard death. She disliked him for telling her that. I think sometimes we do say the wrong thing but my dad died one of the hardest deaths I have "never" seen, other than Billy's dad's. Both were in hospital beds, morphine gave them both the agonal breathing where you hoped and prayed each long time between breaths would be the last. We treat our fur babies with more comfort care than we treat our humans. Man's inhumanity to man.

They are still planning our 60th class reunion. I do not want to go. With the loss of the last three friends, I don't have the heart. I have long ago lost the sensitivity to what anyone would say about my cowardice. I just prefer to remember what I prefer to remember, not what I have (so many others have) lost. Yes, I am selfish. Daughter has a new PC she wants me to have. I do okay with the old one. Guess I will have to learn a new trick or two.

Kelli is a photographer, but she did that with her phone. It was getting so late. I really was not "feeling it" when I learned last year two Minden High School seniors died at that spot, one trying to save the other. There was a cross, a shirt, and a light a family member had put. Also, if I catch fish I will have to clean it. (Actually, Kelli would do it), but Billy was the bass fillet-er. I do have all his knives, but do not know how to even begin. Of course, there are many things I cannot eat. Someone put a "no lettuce" recipe for a salad and the only "green" was broccoli. There once was a salad called broccoli Madaline I loved. This salad had olives, broccoli and lots more. Nothing I could eat. But, I can eat fish, just not fried the old southern way with cornmeal all over it. I can have shrimp in tempura and I suppose fish also. Not allergic to any of it, just cannot digest it. I think the older we get, the less interested the doctor's seem to be in us. My cousin is 79, had seven polyps last colonoscopy, all members of her father's side of the family died of colon cancer and they informed her last year it would be her last colonoscopy. Why try to save us, if the cancer does not get us, the heart or something else will. That is why they tell men that the prostate cancer is slow growing, they will die of something else before the cancer. I always thought that quite cruel, but truly the truth. I won't go to doc, but for my cataracts later after this virus, and hopefully nothing broken to take care of before then. The pain killer meds themselves would do me in. “Life is tough, then you die.” ― George Carlin (I'm sure lots of other people said that before him. It is true. I prefer to stay away from doc's, if I can. Hopefully I can. Do have to keep the blood pressure regulated though, oh..........and the Xanax.

I have not fished in going on five years. I used to break a date on Saturday night to go fishing. At one time in my life, just passing a mud puddle made me drag out my closed face reel and rod. Mama said I could bait my hook at two-years-old. (she exaggerated a lot). I got my drivers license just to take my grandmother and her best friend fishing, driving the best friend's car. Billy had just bought me a new rod and reel. I have no idea where it went. I can still see his "fishing box." I don't know who got it. No one in the family. My head was not with me a few years ago. Below is Caney Lake, a few miles from my apartment. Maybe five miles. We were on the wharf. Kelli had brought me a chair for the old woman to sit in. Kelli took videos and I saw what looked like a quarantined walrus in a blue shirt, which was me. Just being outside, on that lake, it took all my sadness and a fishing rod in my hand and I felt the magic again. I have not read things in awhile. This quarantine is about to get to us all and the newly grieved, the grief in all of us, it does not leave. The familiarity brought a bitter sweet feeling. I thought I could never do it again. I know some people won't understand, but I'm a country girl and fishing has always been a part of my life (minus five years). Now, I will read the forum. I saw a lot of new people and my heart goes out to them.

Gwen, I'm afraid this quarantine is pushing me downhill. I don't have a word salad in me right now.. Hope that changes. I see my family. I talk on FB, but mostly posting memories that come up I had years ago. That's just how it is right now. Not scared of the virus but wish I could go fishing. Just like everything else, have to stay close to house necessity. I read a lot.

Not to make light of it Kay, but you said "again." They took care of the other (others), and though the name itself scares the dickens out of you, perhaps your vigilance made it not as threatening as the name implies. You are a very intelligent woman living so far away from medical care and recognizing symptoms/changes. So often people are not as alert as you are.. I have to commend you on this. Scott's TB test took him off work for about two weeks now. Federal and state run medical facilities (parish health unit) operating at less than half its staff, this made his wait extremely long , and then the parish health unit's x-ray equipment did not work, had to go back to the hospital he works for (federal), and all it showed was he possibly had come in contact with someone who had TB in the past. With our economy at a crawl (snail's pace), it is hard on so many people. Money will not buy you health, but it will move your place in line up before someone without money. Health crisis, medical crisis, economy crisis. I wish for you a place at the start of the line. You deserve it. Please keep us informed how it goes. Will they cut them for margins or will they just freeze them/it?

If I drop my group insurance as a secondary insurance I cannot get back on. In all my visits to my doc in Arkansas, I have never had a bill. I have a more expensive secondary plan, but it did not seem expensive at all to me. I can go to local doctors and it will cost me nothing out of pocket. I don't have to have a referral, but I have asked for one before. It is not necessary though. Procedures would cost, but procedures cannot fix me. I cannot take any medicine other than what my belly is handling now. Antibiotics (except shots) could kill me. I give them my Medicare and Blue Cross card and I received one bill in the past two years, one was about $60 for rehab, which I didn't go long. I cannot complain about my insurance, but the group insurance is just a continuation of the insurance, only a retirement insurance to go along as secondary. I would be insane to give it up. I've reached some levels of insanity, but will not mess with insurance. Three months of four different medications only cost less than $20 for all three months, all four meds. As I get older, it scares me they might add something else. Not price-wise, but body harm-wise. I've told them I want no special tests. If something is found they would have to treat it.

Gwen, I didn't want Medicare. I'm not sure we have a choice, but I bend when the wind blows, so you cannot count on what I think I know.

George, you have all come to know my peculiarities, and either put up with them and think "what a flake" or ignore them completely. Billy was two years older than I was. Working for state government for 38 years, he paid into retirement, but not SS. Rather than face calling SS and waiting on the phone, I waited two years until I got to 65. After all, I saved the government two years of having to cover Billy with Medicare, he had not paid into. I never called them till I got 65, I went to the Hot Springs SS office and I had to get a lot straight. I had worked for state government for 27 years, but I quit for about six weeks and went to a new hospital. Not state operated. I soon learned what a mistake I had made and by this time they were taking SS out of new hires. Anyhow, I was proud I had saved the government all that money. We have always had excellent group insurance and I never dropped it even getting on Medicare. It was all explained to me then. All that "money I had saved the government" was now added on to Billy's Medicare, which came out of my SS. I was fined $20 a month added to Billy's. I fill out my census, I fill out my IRS each year. I try to stay out of the way of government labels. Medicare is taken out of my SS each month and my secondary insurance (which I never dropped) is taken out of our retirement checks. I think it is said somewhere in the Bible about God protecting fools and children (maybe in Proverbs), I'm not a child. Good luck with your Medicare. I didn't want it, I thought the government was giving me a welfare of some sort. My cousin, who has a PhD loves Medicare. She has two sons that are doctors. I figure she understands better than I do. Anyhow, I'm not going to think about it anymore (I hope) for awhile. Sometimes our bodies fail and we are given a second and third chance and we wish our mates could have been given more chances. We trod on.

I don't think the amount of time mattered. It was the amount of love you valued and carried. If we didn't love, we didn't lose. We had one woman on here a few years ago that lived in a southern country and she didn't stay long. Her words of grief sounded more like a relief and she hit and run. We did not hear from her but maybe once or twice. You love, they love, we love. And no matter how many years, if you love them enough, you want more. Sometimes it takes more than once to find true love. You have seen the big gorilla glue that seems to expand? It holds no matter what.. Might not be the most beautiful, but you are absolutely where you need to be and nothing can pull you apart.

I am sorry Gin. Sorry Kay too. We know there are jerks in this world and sometimes a lesson learned makes for very smart choices. Billy and me, well, it was like he said, I was him and he was me. He would not let me work, so I just waited for him every day. I was still a teenager and he was only just out of his teens. I cannot say either of us were the smartest people in the world, I just knew if he was gone at night, it was a black empty night. Some times he would get angry at me and not speak for days. Then, I'd get angry and tell him I was leaving and go sit on the steps. This worked 4-5 times, but one time he did not come and ask forgiveness. So, I got up, went inside, and never left again. It became necessary for me to work. Like he was afraid of, it did cause trouble. We did separate six weeks after the kids were grown, I saw him every day, but being on my own was becoming a little easier and easier. He came back one night, he had been drinking, he never drank. I let him in and it never happened again. After all those years, after the kids were out of the house (they never went far), we finally could talk, and we did a lot of talking and apologizing to each other. Over the next 25-30 or so years, I cannot remember a single fuss. We just grew up with our children. I still talk to him. One thing I have to point out, my folks fussed constantly over Daddy spending too much. Maybe it was a lesson learned. Billy and I never fussed over money.

I wish we could save all of us from any more trauma. Some of us, all of us, we have seen too much. I wish this upside down world would right itself and the hate would disappear, and I sure hope that asteroid they said was as big as the Empire State Building, I hope it zooms past us. I wish we could take all the pain away, mental and physical, fear, worry, and we could see blue skies and the sun shining.. Sometimes I just want too much.

Gwen, I agree, it would be ideal, but in my case my granddaughter would find me. I never want that trauma to be on her. We don't have a choice, and I will go however I go. We all have went through traumatic times, but I don't want to be there when it happens. Don't think I will be.

I took Prozac for 15 years and it cut down emotional involvement. No crying, no excess happiness. I had straight-lined my life and was still alive. Legal prescription. Legal prescription for the biphetamines. Know legally, my brain waves are probably straight line too.

I get that each night when I go to bed Gwen. I keep thinking of the prayer Mama taught me as a little girl, the one that made me afraid to go to sleep, "If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take" I didn't want my soul taken anywhere and was afraid to go to sleep. That is about like the fear I have each night. We fill a week with sleep, reading, eating, TV, computer. And, we never know what day it is. I talk to my sister and I worry. I know she chain smokes because she does not want to go like Mama did. I worry. I worry about my kids and grandkids............I just worry a lot. It takes up a lot of time.

Went with him six months. I was tired of dating. He was a blind date. We had talked on the phone. His best friend saw me at our schools Christmas party. He told my friend, "she's for Billy." They called him and had me talk to him. I had a date for both nights of the week-end, could have broke them but he said "You don't know what your missing." I had already asked my friend if he looked as good as her boyfriend of years. She said, not quite as good looking. Well, dang, was no reason for me to go cause I didn't think he was too cute. But, we all finagled a date. Just in case, I had this friend, who happened to be a boy, and he was a friend, but he was gonna take me home if I didn't like Billy. Billy was so angry. I looked at him and thought "Damn, a tall Steve McQueen." Mama always said if they were good to their mother they were husband material. (She hated her mother-in-law). I had not had a "wild" time yet, so I went with some girlfriends to "the strip" which had nightclubs. This ole country gal had never seen so many lights. It was magic. First two men I danced with had wedding rings on. I called Billy at his house, he came and got me, and that was that. Mama and I did not get along, Billy and I did. (Until we got married). He knew why I was getting married. Wow, frying pan into the fire. We stood with each other through a lot of traumatic times. The chemistry was forever there. And, if I could do it over, I would not have done anything any different. He was the best Daddy, Granddaddy, and eventually husband and best friend anybody could be lucky enough to ever find. Tall and lanky, I stood under his arms when he had them stretched out. I miss him so much. We have the tropical weather coming up from the Gulf of Mexico and lots of clouds. Scott spent the evening with us and I walked outside when he was leaving. One twinkling little star could be seen, so I talked to Billy. He didn't answer back.

Gwen, when it comes to housekeeping, my standards are no lower than they have ever been. In fact, they are so low that I just have to keep them from making me stumble and fall. Mama called me "Moonbeam McSwine" and you younger ones will have to look her up. She is a character in Al Capp's "Lil' Abner" comic strip. She lives with the pigs. I'm the only pig in my family. Every time we got the house clean (expecting company), poor Billy would say "Now we are gonna keep it clean." Ha. I do bother Brianna and my boxes have given her OCD fits. She would love to go through them, but every time I open one I meet Billy "that was" and I hurt as if it was the first day, so I don't let her. I'm stubborn.