Margm

I'm sorry Gin. I think we have about the same time our mates left us. I cried out to Billy for so long. He could not answer me and sometimes I would get angry at him. That is like getting angry that July follows June, totally senseless. I watch TV and keep paper towels close. I cry at happiness, sadness, songs, doors opening, closing, I can cry at anything, and do. I don't try to hide it. It disappears as soon as it starts and comes again just as fast. I have even got angry with him that three long ago girlfriends of his have died and I've gotten jealous. My mom had Alzheimer's. My sister chain smokes because it is her form of self suicide trying to keep from having Alzheimer's. Her cough is rough. The electricity went off for about 30 minutes and she was fixing to have to get in her car and drive to be able to breathe. My little sister is nine years younger than me and it tears me up when people ask who is the oldest. I love her and don't want to lose her but she went through the trauma of taking care of our mother, and our mother was someone neither of us liked, but we both have had closure with that. My sister would not marry. She came close twice but finally she cut herself off from love completely. She has had alcohol as her companion, but is two years sober. Our little town voted alcohol in and now the grocery stores have it. Heck, I even look at the wines and brandy and it will kill me. I know the temptation is there. She has gotten sober twice, but taking care of my mom, I did not know she had gone back to drinking. (In her defense, taking care of my mom would have made me an instant alcoholic), and I'm not as good as she is, I would have put her in a nursing home. So Gin, we just wait out our time and life seems to be shooting arrows at us with this virus quarantine and the nation in a political uproar. We are all in the same boat Gin, lets just keep paddling.

Ana, I don't know your age, but I sense that you are still young. We can look at that from two different perspectives. You, possibly, have a long life ahead of you. And, that thought is not comforting. I, with any moment, a mistake in pill, a mistake in my "plumbing" having a problem, (and all of these are imminent), but I don't make plans. I do look back on the past, and moving back to my home territory has made some difference in my life. My mom passing less than a year after Billy, being here and seeing pictures of her as a 12-year-old cute little tomboy farm girl, as a 15-year-old with defiance in her face, as a beautiful woman, then thinking about her life. I heard her complain that her legs felt so heavy (she lived into her 90's) and I have that same feeling. I try to feel the woman that she was and the hard mental life she had to live. So, moving back has brought me closer to my mom, I'm able to see why she did things and I am able to forgive her "meanness" and understand it. So, moving back to my home territory has not been a mistake. I was looking for Billy. I will never find him again except in his saying "I am you and you are me" and it seems as long as one of us is still here, so is the other one. But, I am old, and none of us know when it will be our time to leave, but there will come a time. I wish I could pick the situation. I don't want my granddaughter to suffer the trauma of finding me lifeless. As for my age, I do not face the same situations you do. I can safely say that I could never be with another man, even in deep friendship. Of course I miss the closeness Billy and I had, but it would be so unfair to try to have feelings of any kind toward any one else. My friend, my age, just lost her second husband. She has such mixed grief. She grieves all over again for the first husband, her children's father, and she grieves for the man who had a heart attack on their honeymoon and she took care of, like a child sometimes, she grieves the loss of him, a double grief that I cannot imagine. Answers? No one will take the place of your love. You cannot compare them. You cannot resurrect him in another man. You will have to accept another person, if you so choose, for the person that they are. They cannot ever be your first love. There may never be another. My friend who passed in April, I felt such a loss with her gone. We thought the same. And, in thinking the same, I know she is with her love. I have to lean on what religion I have left and believe: 1 Corinthians 13:12 King James Version (KJV) 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. I know this is not the belief of some, but it is the verse I lean on, the one that gives me comfort. Now, this is my comfort. For you, you have to find your comfort somewhere. I know in six years you have looked and cannot find it. I saw that Cookie had been socializing some but cannot feel what she is looking for. In reality, you will not find the love you felt for the one that is gone. You are fighting it. And, perhaps in fighting it, the wall stays up. You are looking for you, and no one can see you, not even yourself until that wall comes down. You do not have to be someone else. All you have to be is you. The you that was, the you that you are now, and the you that you will meet on that path you are walking on. I went back in time and I found my mom. In doing so, I had to let a lot of anger fly away. I've never been on my own before, but now I have to fight off things that Billy fought for me. "I am him, he is me" and I do not want any other choice but that. I live life for myself, and him too. I quit signing his name on cards that I gave the kids. I live off his retirement and mine too, so I felt I should give his name to the card too. It hurt the family when I did that. The thing was, he always wanted his recognition, I still want to do that. No help from me. I'm sorry. I hate to say this, but I'm glad I am old. And, you do have to find yourself. It might be one foot in front of the other, as you said. I feel you have good intention "matchmakers" and you are fighting against it. If there is time, if you make your own choice to live your own life, then possibly there might be someone you will meet. Do not try to compare them, they won't compare. But, in not comparing, you might find a friend. Maybe there are more "Ana's" out there in male form that feel completely lost, but they will not be pushed on you by "matchmakers." Use your time wisely. There are other people who hurt also, and maybe with your experience you might help them, and you might find a friend that you were not looking for, one that was not looking for you. Just two people in life circumstances that compare. I wish you love my friend, a long life of love, but on your own terms.

Ana, and Cookie was back there some place. I'm glad you are both okay. I think I talked myself out in the last few notes. I will let up on this one. Glad to see people return. Ana, I know you are still around sometimes, but I was worried that Cookie had left us.

Dee, there are no words that will help. I can only say I'm sorry, and I truly am. My friend/cousin lost her companion of 15 years, Bandit, on June 1st. She lost her husband last year. And grief brings on more grief. I am so sorry.

I depended on Billy. I thought I was insignificant, but the only person I was insignificant to was myself. You are doing the same thing. You are significant to everyone on here. We are only virtual friends, but sometimes that is all I want is virtual friends. (Something missing in my personality makeup). The loss of you would make very many vibrations in our life. It would be a big hole left in our life.. It might be a virtual life, but at this time, that is all we have, a virtual life. Hopefully, we will be able to get out and be with friends that are not virtual. And, I can hear you saying "I don't have any friends, I don't want any friends" but in all your notes I have read, I hear someone possibly wanting human closeness. I know Steve is your only closeness that you want, but you have music in your life. I have minor sports in my life, and I cannot do them, if I visit them I know it would bring Billy to mind more than anything and make me very unhappy and more depressed. Possibly having dinner with someone/a friend/a new friend, if your health allows, joining a group (which I am sure sounds terrible to both of us), but I do have family.. If they all leave me, then I will be in a very dark place. I saw my friend pass away in April. I know how much she missed her husband and how much her family depended on her (she and I commiserated together), and I know she is missed. But, in my mind, and I know how long she has suffered, and I have to bring my Bible verses into this "you will know as you are known" and I don't know what that means, but I feel a peace more than sadness that she is with her husband. Now my other friend, her family ignored her, put her away where they did not have to see her, she died alone. She was so vivacious, she was so happy all the time, she always had the most energy to start a party, but she died totally alone. Her family was too busy. A story is behind all that. I have no answers except finding a reason to live. We have reasons to die. Why can't we find a reason to live. My second friend, her mind was gone. Like my mom's. I know we would miss you. I could have said that in one line.

"Keep a notebook" and we all know what a disaster that was. I don't dare go back to my week of the 20th in October 2015. I was near suicide, had a plan that actually comforted me until religion tugged at me. I must have been completely "out of it" mentioning it to one of my kids who promptly gave me a fussing that they had never done.. I truly was not in my right mind, and they knew my "right mind" was not right anyhow. They all stayed angry at me until I promised I wouldn't. And at the time I was thinking "how selfish of them" and also thinking "how could I hurt my kids so much." I felt like I should have gone first but since they were stuck with me still I thought it might me important that I stay, even if I didn't want to. "Widow by S" I have not seen, but we had some others that stayed awhile. I'm happy for them if they found happiness, even a tiny bit of it, in some other way. I do know some of us hold things in. Poor analogy, but I have my belly problems, and always will have them.. I know when my stomach swells, I have eaten the wrong thing and usually I have to throw up. I have not done that often (thank goodness), but sometimes by throwing up all our feelings, getting rid of the poison, it leaves us feeling better. Well, I said it was a poor analogy.. If some do better without the forum, that is fine too. I just told a friend/cousin who lost her husband one year ago. Her kids are not close. She is alone but for her church home. Her little fur baby, 15 years old, he passed away yesterday. She is one who will take people's well meant advice and stew on it and get angry. I told her when it got too much for me, I got in the car and just drove (and we have plenty of country roads. She comes from a tiny place, only child of only child's. It helps her to get back in our old country, peace, old barns, no houses, just the road, wind, and car. It helps me, but what helps one does not help us all. She will stay home and stew about what a friend tells her and will just get angry. We share same DNA, so guess it makes her feel better too. Speaking of DNA, they did tests on Kelli's genetic workup and she has what is called Goucher's disease (pronounced go-shay). It actually had to come from a combination of Billy's and my DNA and it causes the spleen and liver to enlarge. They have thrown her around from doctor to doctor and finally, a psychiatrist found it by running the gene analysis on her. It is fairly rare, and I know by working at a teaching hospital, a rare disease will get all the attention. For one thing they are making her switch hematologists (he is the one who went into her sinuses while doing the Covid 19 test.) She is so tired of being poked, probed, and MRI'd and CT'd though and switching medicines constantly. Scott had his x-rays, and we should be hearing from them. In the meantime, you know I have had some illness, not getting around as spritely (like I ever was), and my sister pushing me to go to a doctor. I cannot make her understand, I am fine and those guys will kill me. We won't even mention Brianna. She actually likes being quarantined.

Gwen, I should have put April 1984. I put April because that is our raining months. He has been gone a long time. Mama passed in August after Billy left in October of 2015. We had the full funeral for my dad, Masonic rites, and all of this was done because he was a hometown boy (at 65, I thought an old man), and done out of respect for my dad's family (not for us), although I'm sure it was for us too. We have grown a bunch of outlaws since then though and we just want to go when its time and if anyone asks, we say, "Oh, they have been gone two years, etc." Billy did not want a long drawn out funeral and none of the rest of us do. I don't want any flowering plants strewed around (I'll just kill them all). I'm sorry to give you the notion my dad passed "this" April. It was a long, long time ago. My mom would be 99 today and she left a long time before her body did. We all have our things we like to keep on as tradition. That's everybody's own business. Sure need to fill out a sentence before you put it down. I'm sorry. Sorry I lost my dad. Sorry I lost my mom (I cannot be real sorry of that. She was so unhappy here on earth without her sisters and kept wanting to be with them. It wasn't Daddy, it was her sisters. ) Y'all know all my business, in fact, if anyone knows me, they know the good, the bad and the ugly.

Where do you think we get our crawfish, crawdad's, mudbugs, whatever you want to call it. In Arkansas we tried to have a garden. Billy had a tractor and moved huge rock bolders. We grew more rocks. In Louisiana we have red clay mud (when it rains a lot). And it does rain a lot. You go along the road/highway and you will see people seining (netting) for crawfish (with boots on). My dad passed in April. Rain. Mud. (And, I was not looking where I stepped). And, I'm on the wrong forum to talk about this. Sorry.

Kieron, sometimes I say too much (you'd be surprised, sometimes I say more than I leave on here). I think that was why my psychiatrist and I got along so well together and I only left her after I retired work and started RVing. She's retired now and either I wore her out or she could not find anyone that "let it all hang out" like I do. So, say what you want to. We really aren't supposed to talk religion or poly-ticks, but we manage sometimes to tuck in a few words about religion. You can be yourself here. We have lost some of our people. We had a woman, I think in Brussels (I liked her). I think we have even had some from Africa and maybe Australia. We have one little ole gal that I think lives in Spain, and I like it when she gets on. So, just be yourself.

Darn right you do. I'm so sorry. The quarantine, the infighting/protesting. I'm so sorry.

We had no funeral. I entered his death into our local newspaper with my words, like I put on here. My English teacher sister wanted to rewrite it for our state newspaper. I would not put it in any other place. Billy would have wanted my words, anything else would have been someone else's words for him. I'm not proper with my writing, but no one complains about it. Actually, my feelings did get smudged by her wanting to make it "proper." We did not have a funeral for my mom or Billy. My daughter seemed to need "something else." They say that funerals are for the people that are left behind. So, one year later, Kelli announced a meeting at Billy's favorite fishing place since childhood and jumped off the RR bridge, into the bayou, releasing balloons. Some of my friends came. I did not invite anyone. This was not for Billy, this was for Kelli and whoever wanted to come (and she wanted a big turnout), but it was only about 15 people. It was not celebrating Billy's life, it was Kelli's attention that needed filled. Billy did not want attention. Me either. My mom didn't either. My dad had a huge funeral, family was hidden behind a wall that was hard to see through, he had a Masonic funeral. Fighting cancer myself, I was "doped" up and Billy and Scott helped me around. I was not crying, but sure did not want to be there. I lost a shoe in the mud. It really was not for us, but his family were all still alive and his mom, two sisters and a brother and their families, they needed this. My grandmother wrote about how they did the body when she was a young person. Family bathed the body, it lay on the table (yes, THE table), then was buried fast. This is the south.

I loved it too. Tom Wolfe was correct, "you can't go home again." I was on a FB site for my tiny home town, probably less than 30 miles from where I am now. Where we walked, at night, without fear. The government housing unit and some place I had never heard of were reported to the police so much I had to get off of the forum. It was actually for the whole parish (county). We had a woman shot in the apartments Billy and I used to live in, "drive by shooting." Hard to catch when most people are asleep at 2:00 a.m. We did not know of, (or have?) government housing when we first married nearly 59 years ago. Lots of "moonshining" went on back in my granddad's day. Stills back in the woods, Grandma does not mention it in her "book." Don't know if my Bible belt family bought from them, but as far back in the woods as they all lived, I would not be surprised. Now it is homemade "meth" and places blown up and children with it in their blood samples maybe from smelling the fumes. We have too many meth houses, too much on the streets, my grandson, after rehab, said he did not want to give it up. I see his dad (my son) with the same expressions of worry that I saw in my dad. Not for the same reasons, but when my dad would worry his voice got deep and he said nothing unless spoke to. He worries about a son on the Pacific Coast that he has gone numerous times with rehab bed opened for him, would have to look in the drug jungles that the police warned him not to go into. One time when he found him he gave him his new tent and sleeping bag, which I am sure were traded for drugs. He worries. He could not save him. Even the jail won't keep him. So "today" hits home in my family. I am so glad we were able to help my son get off the drugs, but it came at a high cost for him. The TB marker in his blood work possibly comes from one of the drugs to treat his hep-C about 6-7 years ago. He did not come out without scars. I'm afraid for our children and grandchildren. I'm not afraid for myself, although fear is a big part of my life, and it is the fear that C.S. Lewis wrote about. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” C.S. Lewis

Don't have to worry about watching sports, turn news on and you see police vs people vs police. I saw them robbing a Target the other night, had shopping carts full of big item things, shelves were as empty as if it was toilet paper. They didn't care if they wore masks, were being filmed, or anything. It does not seem to be slowing down.. I cannot say how many things going wrong. I cannot see how it can be made right. I still remember the Watts riots and I was a country girl nearly 2000 miles away. The worse we had in our little town was the elephant dying at the circus.

I love my flip phone. All I do is call and answer. My fingers shake too much for the keyboard on my 10 inch Kindle. You will see double "periods" sometimes because my fingers shake so that it will hit the same "character" twice or more. I can handle what I have, so far, but it gets worse each year and I wonder how it will equal out in the end. Now that is dark. Sometimes I get to talking to my sister, or kids, and I have to rein myself in, afraid I will repeat the same thing often. I think I might do that and I will say "did I just say that." The "run-on" fingers have always been there. Even when I could write, it would be pages. One of my last supervisors, I used to ask her a question that took probably half a page and she would write me back two lines. Answered my question. Made me wonder why I had to elaborate over and over. I don't care now. I let it all hang out. If it gets boring, skip it. The joy was in the writing. We already had three writers in the family. I am just a frustrated one that instead of "flower" would put "flour" and now I don't have the imagination I used to have, that went along with Billy. He was hard of hearing, but I think part of that was on purpose to protect himself. I enjoy it when it is raining and cold, if I have to stay in. Do you realize we had a flu pandemic 1957-1958, we had Hong-Kong flu 1968-1969. We had Swine flu January 2009 to August 10, 2010. Where was the quarantine? Look up Maurice Hilleman, see all the things he did for so many diseases and I've never heard of him, but I have Jonas Salk. I hope things clear up for you soon and we can get out from under this quarantine, I think even painfully walking, if you could breathe in a little outside air would make a tiny bit of difference. My sister's lungs do so much worse when it rains. Stay warm my friend and hope your fur baby improves and takes one worry off. I usually get my most nervous when it is time to go to bed.

I do wish sometimes I could keep my words to a minimum. I do not talk that much. I just have "run-on" fingers.

No, It is not personal at all. You all know I am short a few electrons in my head, but it all seems sensible to me (and , not being smarty), but not worried. I bought a beautiful urn, wooden, it has a tree engraved and a pretty verse. It is too pretty to empty, and besides, that (to me) is all that matters. My kids have instructions that when I go, just a plain cardboard box. Then, in that box, they will mix his ashes with mine in the family plot. I have not bought a stone yet. We are right behind Mama and Daddy, will be right next to my uncle and aunt's plot, right behind them my paternal grandmother and grandfather. If they can, they will pour all his fly tying equipment and very many flies already made. Might not let them do that. If not, they will have to decide what to do. I have a two foot tall white Christmas tree that has only been turned off to move. I think the fiber optic lights last 20,000 hours (supposedly). I have his "toys" on his table he kept all his things on. His telephone. Behind this is a beautiful glass and wood cabinet with his "calls" on each shelf. Some might be valuable they are so old, but it is a red velvet background. Up above are his "gone fishing" sign and his turkey hunting sign that Kelli bought him with shotgun shells as hat holders. (Am I southern?) All his hats are hung there and I found a big sign at a yard sale (I really don't remember) that says "A TRUE LOVE STORY NEVER ENDS" So, I guess I have a corner of the room as a sort of Billy corner. I am trying to think of the proper name, but it is not coming. That will do. I just feel closer to him this way. I might be crazy, but I'm used to it. I had no plans really, but when we put my mom's ashes next to my dad's, (she wanted cremation), he is buried; my uncle brought me the deed to the plot next to his and his wife's. I just couldn't refuse, it is a huge cemetery with mostly my family name and kin buried there. The cemetery woman was there and it was all made official. Darn, again, I could have written three lines, but I have to use my whole box of colors. Sorry. Karen, we just enjoyed the whole show. Lots of twists and turns. I should read his books, but I liked the way the series ended and don't want to muddy the water. So many books, so little time. Anyhow, stay with it, I think you'll like it. On edit, I did think of the word I couldn't recall. The word is "shrine". Not sure I like "shrine", so will keep it Billy's Corner.

Johnny, if my drawl is noticed, I just drawl a little more. I have to hang up on phone marketers with English as a 2nd language because it is a second language to me. I just tell them I only speak ancient southern grandma English and cannot understand them. They seldom call back. I have not read the forum in a few days and sometimes I get so carried away writing it can just be skipped over. (Probably is often). Bless their hearts. Glad you found the forum. It actually saved my life.

I know the amount of love y'all give to your fur babies. This is my grand-fur-baby name of Nawlins (for New Orleans). Kelli bought her when she was a tiny thing (still is tiny). She sticks to Kelli like glue, probably getting hard of hearing and yelps when jumping off anything. (So do I). She is now over 10 years old and this is her side of the bed. Kelli keeps all checkups and meds up to date, but I have been with her through the loss of fur babies before (but Billy was always there to console her). All I can do is hold her and cry along with her. When my dad was dying of cancer, his Catahoula Cur was also dying of Cancer. She was a rather big dog and of course Mama had to bury her. I guess in her lifetime, Mama had to bury many fur babies since she would not let me keep them in the house. Kelli kept her groomed for a long time, then decided she could do it herself. She has the dog cutters, I think there is a ceramic head on them and Nawlins has many sweaters that she has to wear after Kelli gets through with her close hair cuts. I had a case of what I will have to call food poisoning this week. All foods were on my list. I have never had chills like I had them and temp went up to over 102. I had to get up to go to the bathroom and coming back, I guess I was definitely not right in the head, and I fell between my bed and my plastic boxes lining the wall, two large ones deep, many boxes. Brianna heard me, came running in insisting that she help me up, but I am very stubborn. I could do it myself, and I did. She is peeved with me for not emptying the boxes, but when I open one all of Billy's memories pour out and my day is ruined. Honestly, if I happened to die, and gosh knows, that is a big possibility, the boxes could all just be burned and nothing would be missing. Anyhow, still in the grip of the worse case of chills ever, I got into bed, pulling myself up with the bed and boxes as props. My hand felt like it could possibly be injured, but still sick, I just wrapped a blanket around my arm and having taken two Tylenol and one Xanax, I fell back to sleep (actually had not been in real sleep), I had spent time throwing up (I use a lined waste basket to do that. Woke up after noon, I was soaked from sweating off fever, felt weak but no more chills, not sick at my stomach, so I took all bedding and washed it. Managed to take trash out, the walk is not far, and it was sprinkling rain. My sister and family insisting I go to doctor and I'm insisting not. I know I am stubborn, but my chest is not bothering me, no cough, breathing normal, temperature normal, why do I want to get my "new normal" self around the virus? My belly will not take any other kind of pills. If I take antibiotics it will have to be by shots because the pills aggravate my colon. At this stage, right now, I think I am doing okay. No, I don't want blood work drawn. My diet is heavy in carbs, cannot be helped, so I drink Ensure in the mornings. I like "Egg Beaters" for protein, I take vitamin C and the D3 gummy bears. I know I'm not a doctor, but I am not in a position they can treat me either. I sure cannot take pain pills. I take a baby aspirin every other night and that, that small dose, makes for some problems. I have Factor IX blood and insides that are already a disaster and I do not want to scare any more doctors. (My doc said I scared him over six years ago). I guess I will have to be comatose before I bend to the will of my family. (It happened once), and I sure don't want it to happen again. Honestly, at my age, if I have some deadly illness, like Billy did, like I have had before, as close to the border line as I am now, I don't want some doctor to shove me over it. They had the chance to find out Billy was sick if they had read his lab work, but the path he was on would not have changed, it would just have been a longer nightmare for him. I know being diagnosed with cancer in my late 30's, I would wake up and hope it was a nightmare, it wasn't. Neither was Billy's. Even if he could "see the worry" in my eyes. Heck, all I have to do is open that door and I cry. I hate opening those boxes. In one I found a note he had written "Love you, be back by noon" and it is written in a red Sharpie. I have it taped to his urn. And my "word salad" this week is spent talking to myself. I'm sorry. So many of you are in physical pain, and I'm actually not in anymore pain than I am used to. I can handle it. My son's blood work came back as TB positive and he cannot go back to work until he sees the health unit, which is hard to do in these crazy health insane days.. He was treated years ago for hep-C. This was cured, but one of the drugs shows this in blood work. So, he is worried about his job waiting for the health unit to see him. My daughter has many health problems and my granddaughter has many also. Her bio-mom's drug use during pregnancy did not leave that beautiful child without scars that are not visible. Just ordered and received a memory foam mattress with two inches of gel, 12 inches total, and her mom and my son are going to fix that up and move the other one out. It is still new, the other one, but is too hard. She was followed by Shriner's until she aged out. I am going to read up on my friends now. There are so many we do not hear from anymore and I wish them well. Maybe, like those boxes are to me, maybe their grief is not helped by memory. I don't know what helps people, if I discover it, I will certainly let y'all know.

Kevin, so proud of you. You've found the will to live and that is so important. I've got to brag too. My daughter's MRI did not show any new growth, showed scarring, and the ones on her spine have not grown any. Her ultrasound of her spleen showed it still enlarged but it has not enlarged more. Also, both viral tests were negative (son and daughter). Scott works at the VA so this is his second test. Kelli is like one of those old wind up clocks. When she is first wound up she is hyper, but it finally gets to her and she has to sleep a couple of days. Then she ready to go again. I admire and love both of them. They have taken hold of a life that Billy and I were terrible enablers (and would still be).

I don't know why, something my mama (of course) used to say to me when I was a child sticks to my situation now. Billy was my everything and we fought so hard to finally make it a marriage that it should have been from the start. Maybe that is part of marriage though, two people that are totally opposites marrying, and I remember his job gave him "annual" leave, so after so many years he just wanted to be with me. We fought against the harness, but in the end it was the fairy tale it should have been, but neither of us entered a fairy tale. Mama used to say "you cannot cry over spilled milk" and Billy was not spilled milk, but I could not put him back in the bottle. I cannot put anything back together like it was. I am not bothered by seeing friends celebrate anniversaries, I know the real secret. One will have to do without the other. A distant friend, his wife died one month, he died the next. Not suicide. I think it is possible to grieve yourself to death, to bring on something because living without them is a slow death in itself. If your young enough, and some are, and some would not think of it, you marry again. My friend, who is my age married again. I have no doubt she loved him. She took such good care of him from his heart attack on their honeymoon until he finally left after about 12 years. And, with her double grief, she found herself grieving both men, and the one who had passed in early 2000's, it just brought it all up again. I don't know how to handle two ""missing husbands." It is hard enough missing one. We had big dinners, we had reunions, we celebrated holidays, usually at home. We were not the type who liked big crowd parties, the reunions faded away along with the years and we celebrated with immediate family. Nothing was ever the same. We might even go fishing (my favorite). I cannot fish without him. Having fun has taken its toll, and it is not fun without him. So, we tread water, we climb that path by ourselves, we fight against the loneliness, but we don't fight alone. There are too many of us. I don't really think "misery loves company" but here we are.

Sometimes I put my purse down on the other seat and imagine I have my hand on his knee. I remember his scars on his body more than I remember mine. I put my hands up and imagine I feel his high cheekbones and beard. And sometime, for no reason at all, I get angry at him for leaving me.

My oral surgeon just walked out on me and said if it got too bad to come back. No payment plan, nothing. This was before the colon rupture so I would have been in trouble if I had to take antibiotics chronically. He was rich. He had his own plane to fly him and buddies to the state ballgames. He was flying another dentist friend and himself and his two daughters to a game, crashed and all perished. I was so very sad for that family. Only one grown son left. That poor Mama.

Karen, my mom blamed herself for my bad teeth. She said she did not take calcium while pregnant. I don't know about that but my dentist was a short walk down the street from my school and I think even my front teeth had fillings by the time I was 15. It was too much pain for a kid to go through. By 19, I was at the oral surgeon having the top plate put in. The teeth had roots eaten up with little non-malignant tumors. Finally when I retired at 55, I had all the bottom teeth pulled. I have never been so relieved. But the oral surgeon left a chip of tooth or bone that made my throat swell and had to have surgery on my neck a few years ago and that chip removed. Had infected down into my throat. Then they wanted to put in the screw ones and total price was $9,000. I could not afford that. My bottom gums are not sufficient for a plate. I wear one anyhow. My situation with the ruptured colon will not allow me to take antibiotics chronically, which is what I would have to do. I asked were the $9,000 application of the screws guaranteed. They said "no." I do okay with dentures. I have no choice. Will not go through with that toothache horror again. (For me), it is not worth it. I've had toothaches all my childhood, will not go through it again. No one knew what destroyed the roots of my teeth, but they called them little tumors. Not malignant. Years later my daughter is checked often, has had her female organs removed, has had little tumors on her brain, and is constantly checked and had some destroyed with radiation. They are called teratomas, and when she was just out of her teens they destroyed her ovaries, etc. They do not do like a malignant cancer, although some can turn into cancer, but they grow in one place, and not spread like cancer, but just grow large. She has had many destroyed with radiation. I wish you better luck with your teeth than I have had. It seems though you have constant toothache pain, and for the money it costs, it is not worth it, for me. Cannot do it anymore anyhow. I'm not going to bother with the screw in, you wear dentures anyhow with them, they just anchor them down. Some people have had a lot of luck with them and the price is not as bad now.

Understand this. Do not want to get out. I read all night and when I wake up after 1:00 p.m. I say "why" and I could go back to sleep. And now is the time we need a counselor for Bri about socializing, but we cannot socialize. To top it all off we have nothing but rain. And, I guess that is a good thing, it is a self limiting weather where you cannot go anyhow. Scott was wanting a Humphries last night about midnight.. No stores are staying open, not even sure this store is open a full day. We are all in a "new day" and we are all in it together. I keep trying to think of some reason Billy was taken instead of me. Not feeling sorry for myself. Just wondering what I need to change to make myself a better person. Not sure I can.