Margm

Billy's dog Ty, he was a Boykin Spaniel. He was about three months old, his first outing. We walked around Soda Lake Wildlife Management area in North Shreveport. We had our RV parked on the bluff of the bayou. There were some little lakes and he was so excited. This was in the bad part of winter, he had never been out in water and he ran ahead of us and just dived into one of the ponds. Had to be freezing. Didn't phase him at all. He was happiest when he would jump in the water and dive down looking for something we threw into the water. I love to see those pups having so much fun in the water. Sometimes I wanted Billy to go get him he would stay down so long. Beautiful smart fur baby, grew into an old man and his partner was a blue heeler. She passed away first and his pretty fur had so much gray in it. Billy named him after Titus Bass, a character in a book. He grew old many, many years ago, like we all do.

If I could have figured out some way to get around my deacon dad knowing, that was my ambition. At 17, we had dancers in a cage with semi-clothes on, not naked, during the Whisk-a-go-go music time, high white boots at the classy bars. (Is there such a thing as a classy bar?) Yep, that was my ambition. I could have done it then, but could not go against my dad's reputation. If I could have gone somewhere that he wouldn't know, but that was not gonna happen. Then I met Billy, so it sure was not gonna happen. I did not set real high moral goals, but those cages were kind of high. I told my kids about it over the years and we were buying a gag gift at Spencer's and teen-age Kelli yelled, "Mama, here are the pasties you wanted" and there I was, middle aged fluffy grandma, and I tried to ignore her but she brought the fringe hanging things over for me to see. I live in the Bible belt, and I'm sure I got some stupid stares, but what were they doing in there anyhow? No, I did not aim for teaching, being a nurse, neurosurgeon, or any other high ideals. About age 28, I started college and it took me that long to get ideals (sense).

I hope you enjoyed them. I started out my binge reading with a fellow named Edward Abbey. They were non-fiction and I think "Desert Solitaire" is a classic by now. He had just passed away and I fell under his spell to where I could feel myself in the places he wrote about. When we started RVing, his books were the places I wanted to visit. Billy loved the "Heartland" series and hated to wait after season end. Same with Longmire. Now my favorite is C.J. Box. He actually has a new series coming out soon on ABC (I think) called "Big Sky" I think. I have to check on those because I will watch. Billy loved the mountain man books, but I could not get interested in those. Knew Billy would have been Jeremiah Johnson if he could have picked a time to be born into. I watched that move at least 10 times, we would watch it every winter, and I still have to say, I didn't want to be a mountain man/or woman. But, try a C.J. Box book. I think he has about 20, and it is now-days in Wyoming mostly. Joe Pickett is his character (main one) and he is not a terribly tough fellow (although he won't give up the fight), but he has a friend that I would like to see portrayed. He appears and disappears as needed. A former Seal, (or one of the elite service men) and he is tough. No bad language (that I remember), and no sex. Nothing but mystery. Guess he has to be my favorite author. The series though is about four books he wrote about a woman private investigator. I've read them, they are good. Oh yes, I read all the Outlander books before Billy left. There were 8, but think she might have the 9th coming out. A woman author, she relies on a lot of sex, and I just skip those 25 pages per one pairing, but her shortest book is over 600 pages. Longest was over 1,000. She follows along with history on her historic parts, even though her time travel is supernatural, it is written very interesting.

We have the Hallmark and Disney channels. Brianna loved "Supernatural" so much that she recorded the last season and is hesitant to watch it because she does not want it to end. This is one I never got interested in. Loved Longmire and miss it. Y'all have one filmed in Canada, Canadian actors that we get on Netflix (I think) and it was Billy's favorite. "Heartland." He would record it. I love it too, the surroundings, the mountains, everything is so beautiful. The story is never too sexual or any bad language. I love the grandfather on the show and he is really not as old as they make him look. Kinda hurts to watch it because I wish I was watching it with Billy, it was one of his that he would never miss. They had us in the states so many years behind, just wanted them all on time. I mainly watch all the Chicago shows (record) and Blue Bloods. Brianna has a TV in her room, but likes me to be around and watch also. I've learned to like other music besides country. She loves Broadway musicals. Kevin, let us know how your tests turned out. Hate going to doc. They told me last time I was due blood work and I said "no," and figure I cannot take any other medications and they always want to give something. Last antidepressant (1 pill) nearly killed me. They have to remember, I'm no spring chicken anymore. Won't take anything but the Xanax and some disapprove of that, but as long as my body does not disapprove, I think I need it. Helps with family's inherited tremor. Tell us how your doc visit tests results come out.

My son was the DJ in a stripper club for so many years. His DJ voice was so different than his real voice, not a shred of drawl, really not much of one now. He does not like using the drawl. He could have gone back to DJing, but that was where the drugs and drinking started. He made more money with it. He kept bringing his work home with him though.. He does not go back to them, not even to visit, and still has many acquaintances from all those years. That is a reminder of the hell he went through getting off the drugs and alcohol and his poor liver won't take any of that. He does very well staying away from all that. He works at the VA now, he is on full time, one of the ones they picked from a program for disabled vets. Never late, does a good job, gets praise for a job well done, and he likes that better than the death that was awaiting him after the hep-C treatments. I think sometimes he did it to save himself, but he did it too because he honored his dad too much. He was going "down town" once after getting off the drugs (and he IV'd them), and Billy told him "Okay, but don't come back." He never went, but I suspect he "fell off the wagon" once or twice. Right now, it is a matter of bad liver killing him if he goes back to any of it. We have our share of stories. Billy didn't drink, but did when we separated. Would make him sick too. So, none of us drink.........can't. Wish I could say good morals, but it just made us all sick if we did.

Billy wouldn't watch them with me. (Should I be ashamed)??? If I am, then I'm also ashamed wishing I had hormones and was 60 years younger and that Jason Mamoa was not so in love with his cute little wife. And no, I would not even think that aloud if Billy was here, but he isn't.

Well, I was fixing to take it down. It was just a bunch of us girls/women at the party, but I was feeling no pain and that was the reason for the party. They wanted me to feel no pain. My last visit to M.D. Anderson, I wouldn't go back. Their news was actually bad, Billy wouldn't believe it and I was stunned. They called the next week and said all tests were negative. I would not go back and followed only with my doc. No more treatments. So, getting drunk was kind of a relief. I had another, threw up, hugged the commode (glad she was a good housekeeper), came out and said "somebody call Billy" then passed out. He hauled me out. They all thought it was funny. I never told them we got bad news. Many years later I'm still here, but he isn't. Sometimes life does not play fair. A good fellow.

I left home to marry Billy. He knew it. Frying pan into the fire. Very jealous. Left my friends behind, became friends with his. No big deal. He was mentally abusive and if I was living in the times I am now (just now married), I probably would not have stayed. I was not a martyr, so I got my revenge bad. We separated six weeks and I was having a good time and was not sure I wanted to continue. I had a lot invested. The kids were grown. Glad I stayed. He started reading with me when we started living in the RV preparing to retire. He never turned back. Me either. So glad I didn't. We finally could talk (missed a lot of years of talking), but he never tried to make me not read a certain kind of book. He just wanted the attention. No, he never was into porn (I might have been). Gonna put a picture that my girls at work took. My last trip to M.D. Anderson, they threw me a party that night and my request was to watch a John Holmes movie. I had not eaten all day and had drove from Houston. This must be my 2nd Margarita. Billy always drove me to my office parties because he knew he was gonna have to come get me. Never could hold my liquor. Passed out on 3rd. He always thought it funny. (Never got to see my porn movie). Glad I stayed, he was my best friend.

I recommend something to my friends and they are mostly Baptists and ask if there is much bad language. I am so jaded by now, I honestly cannot remember. I've watched some with Brianna that I guess I cannot recommend to them. But then again, "Grace and Frankie" was the first series that made me laugh so much that I did not care that I was from the Vietnam era and I was supposed to hate Jane Fonda. When she had private meetings with veterans they came ready to keep hating her but came away feeling different. I don't watch the series anymore, only because I got bored. It made me laugh and it felt good to laugh again, no apology. I will admit I prefer authors that do not rely on sex and bad language to tell a story, but sometimes I don't pay attention to the movies. I just finished the 8th or 9th of a 17 book series. I had to quit it. I was reading until past 4:00 a.m. and sleeping all day. It got to where I lived one life in daytime and another at night. They became part of my family and I decided I was tired of that family. Quit on a good note. Being Amazon ordered for Kindle, I had read the synopsis on each book and it was time to drop away from that family. I love mysteries. If there was much sex in them and it didn't add to the story, Billy would have me return them.

And Jim-Jim, I am sitting in this apartment with unopened big plastic boxes all in my bedroom because when I open them, there is something of his and it still cuts like a knife. Where some people would get relief from the memory, it just makes the grief all hit at once. I can handle it now. I couldn't for awhile. I had 50 morphine pills left. I knew the national forest all around my little town and knew what to do. I did not think of anyone but me and Billy and wanting to be with him. I can handle it, but I still don't want to open those boxes.

Jim-Jim, when I first started typing all the medical data for the university hospital I worked for, the death note on a young man, probably 28, his wife was probably 24. The final paragraph said they came in the room and Mrs. XX was holding Mr. XX like he was her baby and rocking him back and forth. He had passed away. I had been married about 10-12 years at the time, but that was one of the sweetest/saddest things I had ever heard (he had leukemia) and I knew, if ever I was in that place I would do the same, the final loving hold. We knew Billy's cancer was overtaking him when we found out he had it. He was at doc twice a year, blood work,, etc. We had no idea. Those five weeks were chaotic but he was not going to die. That was unheard of. The year before i had a miracle, coma and yet made it through. Made it through the cancer, two kinds, in a cancer hospital. He was one of the first people to have a stent put in his kidney arteries and eventually had 2-3 of them. Blood pressure put him in ICU, but he was never going to die. I denied to him and myself how sick he was. He knew.. After a grueling night in the ER with me feeding him morphine (they let me) after 4:00 a.m. we were in a room. He was exhausted. He had only had 2-3 chemo treatments but could not keep anything down. I went to sleep laying my head on his bed next to him, he woke me up with his arms outstretched. I knew what he was telling me. He had to go and I wasn't going to let him. I knocked his precious arms down and turned my back. I turned around and he was gone. I could not hold him and rock him like a baby. My last attention to him was anger. No!! He could not leave. But he did. Fifty-four years and my last emotion to him was anger. Less than a year later, I saw my mom pass away. She had gone so long before with the Alzheimer's. I closed her eyes and I told her "Mama, please tell Billy how sorry I am that I was not holding him.". My friend passed away in April. Her cancer was fast and furious like Billy's. Her husband (she was a classmate,, relative and such a friend), her and his granddaughter had liver cancer with transplant of part of the child's mom's liver (their daughter) to save her. (It worked, she is in her 20's and beautiful). My friend and her husband had words before she left, they were words of anger. She kept trying to call him but he had an aneurysm that night in his brain and died. She never got to speak with him again and it haunted her for over 20 years. (religion mentioned here). I just believe she is with him again now. I don't know what happens after death, I know the Bible says we will know as we are known. After nearly five years, every night I pray to the cross at the end of my bed and I beg him to forgive me. I know he did. He knew I was not going to let him go. (Many years ago) He knows the fights I had had with the doctors when they wanted to just dismiss his high blood pressure as hereditary. He knew I threw a fit and went into the hospital room bathroom crying because I kept saying it was his kidneys. I was not a doctor though. But they listened to me. He knows how I fought for him and I just was not going to let him go.. But my good intentions of holding him like the woman had held her husband, I never got to do it. My fault. I know you have read up on aortic dissection and some of the people who have had it. It is a traumatic accident of the heart and CPR and doctors right with you could not have saved her. Life does not seem fair sometimes and there is not a person on this forum that cannot tell you one similar to what I told you. I had 54 years with my best friend and some of you younger ones, you did not have but a short time. The pain is not less and it is not greater. We did get to have a life that many did not get to have. We helped take care of family for those 54 years though and our song was "A Time For Us" and we had just bought another RV a few months before. We were in our late 50's our first retirement and got to RV for awhile, but family called us back and they were more important. This won't take your guilt feelings away. Your not ready for that yet. And Rose Kennedy was right, the wound does not heal,, but you do develop some sort of scar tissue and you live again. I cannot say happily, but there will be a time when you notice the seasons changing colors again. Not right away. Right now you just have to take care of your grief and yourself on your separate path. Know though, we may all be on different paths but we are here when you need us.........and we cannot cure a thing, but we can say you do live. One of these days your concentration will come back and you can read, draw, paint, do photography, or anything that requires concentration. Right now though, it is a slow painful journey. Our hearts are with you, and words do not help.

Yes, I love that wee Scottish lad, makes me wish I had hormones again.

Until this quarantine, I shopped for food at the deli. Any deli. And, I use nothing but shredded cheese, but when I could eat it, I ate a whole nice sized wedge. But, I still have shredders. It is past 1:00 a.m. and I want to go read. Actually, I'm playing this game. How long can I read, how long can I stay up and how long I can sleep the next day. Today it was 1:30 p.m. I'm so bored. I don't even feel like writing my usual word salad. This ole world is one crazy effing place.

Bri washes dishes, but I learned if you put a top on your rice, other things, it will empty out into wastebasket easily. Also the foil trick and the Pam. I spray Pam into my wax melters, they just pop out when they are cool and don't smell anymore. Mostly, I don't cook. Hurts my back to stand at cabinets too long. As the old saying goes, "when the cheese gets binding" means I stay away from cheese, but somehow I get away with eating macaroni and cheese from boxes. Maybe not real cheese. I'm not good to buy anything for. Kelli buys me a bunch of things I might use, simple things, and Scott says "what can I get you Mama." I don't want for anything material in this world, but when the malls were open he would get me lotions from the Bath and Body Works place, or whatever it is called. I kinda feel like my grandma. She wanted for nothing material, so she would go put her presents from her six kids in drawers in her room. Christmas came around and she would rewrap them and give them as gifts. Many a time one of the girls would say "I just bought that for her birthday" and I feel like my Grandma. I'm just no fun at all.

This is related to nothing really. I used the hand held grater for years, until it broke. It had been Mama's. They got married in 1940. It is rusted out. I am not too nostalgic, and it is broke, but I think about my mom using it that many years ago and I just could not throw it away, so I hung it on the wall. "Not too nostalgic" and I'm the one who sleeps with her husband's everyday clothes packed into a king sized pillow sham and sleep beside it. Also, plan on cremated remains mixed with mine in cardboard box in our plot next to my uncle and aunt, behind my mom and dad and grandparents. No, I'm not nostalgic. Happy Mother's Day for all you mothers and fur baby mothers, and aunts, grandma's, all you women. My kids just went to curbside pickup all their Mexican food (hamburger, no seeds, no veggies, French Fries.)

Kay, don't know where I saw you mention we can have this. (Cantaloupes). Over the years you find some have no flavor, but look great. In Hot Springs, I could find none by Pecos. I know that is a little sandy town off one of the interstates in Texas, we had an RV park there that was one of our membership parks. The land is sandy, desert type conditions, but they grow the sweetest cantaloupes I have ever found. I thought maybe I could find them in Shreveport/Bossier at one time because maybe on a shipment route. Not so in Arkansas. I am going to look at Kroger in Bossier for the Pecos brand. Buy them if you can. I found an apple from up in Washington state, cannot remember the name but they were huge, sweet and crisp. I can eat them if they are baked, without the skin, and will look for them also. I think the word "Pacific" was in the name of the apple. Still lots of healthy food. For the past five years I have had no urgency in good foods. Ice cream, cake, sugar and flour sounded pretty good to me. Not one to live on, one to die on, and I guess I really have not cared. Will try to take more of an interest in me and there are healthy things I can eat. Guess you can commit suicide lots of ways without even realizing it, you have to care.

Sitting on my "necessity" they are the images I say "Please God, I promise not to eat that anymore if you just stop the pain." I know he laughs at me, but I meant it about chocolate. Yep, the radiation made my colon rupture and it had been going on for two weeks with high fever but I would not go to the hospital. Went to doctor, treated UTI, but finally went comatose and they called ambulance. Took 32 years for the damage to happen. Now nothing will hold a stitch or glue, so those seven crosses are my form of symbolism. We do what we can.

Gwen, they are made of corn. Now, I can substitute flour tortilla's fried and cut into chips in baskets like we get at Mexican restaurants. I can dip them in the hot sauce (as long as I don't pick up seeds. I can have the cheese to dip them in too, as long as no pepper skins or seeds. So see, I'm doing just fine, fat and sassy. I do miss them, and I had cheated with the Cheetos but Bri read what was in them. I didn't read, I just ate. The worse reactions I have had was a new potato chip made with potato skins and anything with chocolate. Cholesterol and arteries are my last worry. Going for one day without visiting my "necessity" many times (I have to take MiraLax each night), now, that worries me. Thought I could have watermelon, but no, cannot have that at all. But I can have cantaloupes. So, I'm not hurting, unless I go off the diet. Remember that song by Willie (Maybe Merle Haggard with him) about "Seven Spanish Angels"? That is what I think of when I look at my seven crosses directly in front of my "necessity." I think the diet is no different than people with Crohn's disease or severe irritable bowel syndrome. I don't know if I sent this off. It was still in my box. So if it is a repeat, just consider the source. That picture with the olives looks wonderful. Olives were one of my favorites. I would buy a small can of the black olives and eat the whole can. No, I cannot have them or anything on the plate, but a taco salad was one of my favorites. I can still have the flour tortilla's so, I'm not totally left out.

Got to admit, it does not help pain. It is all I can take though. the non-steroidal meds hurt my belly, so I take more Tylenol. It does help with fever. Dr. Webb said I could safely take up to 11 a day, which to me was terribly unsafe. I have seen times I took up to 8 a day and tried to walk the pain off otherwise. Sometimes, that is all you have. Not that good for pain relief though. The Tylenol PM's should help with sleep. The PM has a generic for Benadryl, I think. You do what you can.

I thought about you when my friend passed away. She had been in the nursing home for 2.5 years. I know she passed away alone. I'm not sure anyone was visiting her except her best friend. I quit going when I came in and she was facing the blank wall, laying in bed, not asleep, just looking at a blank wall. Before I left, I know she was not recognizing me, but we talked anyhow. As I was leaving she said "You don't really think I could forget that little red haired girl, did you?" My other friend won't have to see her brother die (she was taking care of him, he had cancer too). She won't have to see her daughter vegetating with her mind bending medicine, not aware of anything much, just that she won't be long following her mom, she has lupus. I know this friend was so alone, except for the kindness of strangers, volunteers, because her family I'm sure was too busy. William Saroyan said this, and somehow when I thought I was going to die from cancer, this hit me in the face. Now, when I did come close to death, I didn't think period. I wasn't scared. I just didn't think, except to ask about the two little dark haired girls, dressed alike, different color pinafore dresses. Old fashioned, like when I was a kid. Either real Angels or I was hallucinating (no one else saw them). They were with me all the way over in the ambulance. Oh yes, I remember fighting the EMT's because they wanted to take off my wig. “Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.” ― William Saroyan Anyhow, I'm not sure anyone has good sense anymore. You wonder who is driving the train.

Gwen, I used to worry about your "attitude" toward maybe not wanting to live. I think we have all visited that dark place. I have seen a change though. My chronic depression made me suicidal at times, then I got cancer, and when you have something you have to fight, you don't invite suicide. Death may come soon enough to all of us, but until then, we will fight the pain, fight the struggle life throws at us, and I have seen a fighting woman appear in the place of the woman I thought had given up. I'm proud of you. It is no fun living without them, but something pushes us sometimes to fight, even if it is a feeble fight, it still survives. I just read what you wrote, I am going attribute it to "these trying times" we are going through.

Ana, I think you did what you had to do for yourself. Sometimes it does no good to look behind you. Memories are beautiful and also can hurt, even if they were happy at the time they happened. We do what we have to. I applaud you.

Well, that sounds good. I only use a small (adjusted to my size) section of the bed. I have pillows and other things covering the rest. Will be rid of it soon. Billy is not there.

Besides chicken tenders dipped in white gravy, my other favorite is French fries dipped in Sriracha-Mayo sauce. Brianna took away my Cheetos, so I substitute cheddar cheese/sour cream potato chips..........yes, if I make it to in the morning I am gonna start the sitting down bicycle. (I did buy the baby aspirin (new bottle) today, I have been taking one a night). I won't be able to choose how I go but I hope I am not sitting on my "necessity" in front of my crosses and I don't want Brianna to find me. My friend did not have family with her this morning when she "left." We don't have a choice, as we all know.

Does not matter how many years, does it Karen? The feeling sometimes for me is unreal. I swear, it does not matter, the nanosecond goes through my head that he is on the other side of the bed when I wake up. I'm fixing to do something as crazy as moving the first few months after he left. Our big ole California king sized bed is fixing to go to the dump. I know we had it at least 30 years. I put a new cover on it a few years ago. I sleep on one small side (well, as small as I am, but I have not expanded to the middle of the bed yet). I am ordering a twin sized memory foam bed. It won't be far from the floor if I fall off. My bones ache so much I don't think I move around much. Everything I have done is something Billy would not have done, so I don't think I will suffer too much. I keep pillows all on his side, lots of them, including the one holding his clothes he always wore. I will keep them. I'm sorry, these leavaversaries are tough. My heart is with you.