Margm

I do think "poor me" because I cannot have all my old southern dishes. All the fresh vegetables. I don't know where my blood sugar is, I won't let them draw my blood. I do know all the symptoms of diabetes (typing it for 43 years) and my daughter has it from an antidepressant they tried her on for bipolar. (One of the side effects, too bad). I know the amount of starches I am allowed, to a diabetic sounds ridiculous. I am being sarcastic talking about it, but in reality, I know it is diabetes or a heart attack waiting to happen. Who wouldn't want to drown in a mountain of mashed potatoes with butter running down the sides? Of course it will kill a person. We've all gotta go sometimes though and instead of those 50 morphine tablets I hoarded when Billy died, the 3rd day finding this site, somehow that mountain of mashed potatoes seems a better way to go than the way I planned. It is what it is. I'm proud of all y'all getting healthy. We do have to give up a lot to live. Myself, it is no trouble to stay away from the things I cannot have, I have sat in front of my seven crosses praying, please God, I won't eat that again, and you know God is laughing at me, and Billy is saying, "just wait, she'll do it again." (But I really won't, some of the things).

My classmate who was in the nursing home because of dementia (wet brain), she died this morning at 2:00 a.m. Alone. She will be cremated, just like my friend of 2-3 weeks ago. But they were here. They were vital people in the life of many people. Poof, they are gone, not even an obituary. How they wanted it. Me too. My friend used to send me pictures where she had busted some part of her face hitting the tub or lavatory. We all knew she drank wine, large quantities of it. She was the life of the party, the "will do anything" girl in school. We loved her. She will be missed by many friends. Before the NH she had her license taken away from her. Once a mother, wife, employed by a big company, husband a lawyer, two children, about six grandchildren, even without the quarantine, she would have died alone. I guess we all do. Gwen, as far as the judgement, if it was me doing it, I have become a cynical old crone. Probably won't apologize. (I don't think it was me though). But, we never see ourselves as others see us. I feel I have lost almost two sisters in less than a month. I hear my friend Hettie, "Margaret, at our age we are going to lose our classmates." And I think of the author William Saroyan who said: “Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.” If it wasn't me, all I can say is dieting makes us all cranky. My religion makes me believe my other friend was waiting with open arms to welcome this friend, as in a small town, we never truly leave, no matter how far away we travel.

I can have all starches, very limited fiber. Definitely not healthy. I am too overweight, but I cannot blame it on the diet. I have let myself go terribly. I did that after Scott was born and would wear only Muumuu's. Billy banned them. Made me angry, but made me see myself. He is not here to ban anything and the only reason for losing weight is for health reasons. I have not begun to live yet. Fixing to get on my sit-down bicycle. My knee hurts too much to do much walking, but I really have no excuse except "I really don't care." That is not good, I know, but it is what it is. If I outlive my first heart attack, I might change my attitude.

Was told I could have PB. I had about four T. on crackers and then learned I was only supposed to have one T a day. Not worth the effort. I can have hot dogs, no onions. I can have apple sauce and baked apples, as long as no skin. I can have baked potatoes as long as I don't eat the skin. I guarantee you, I have not suffered (unless I eat the stuff). No pecans or coconut, but I can have the flavors. Will have to do. Not much cheese. Actually not supposed to have any, you know what cheese can do. I don't miss the chocolate. I tried it.

You remember I am a southern girl. I cannot have corn bread, purple hull peas, speckled butter beans with the dark soup that they make (I can have the liquid), no onions at all, no peppers of any kind, no big sliced fresh tomatoes, no cucumber, onion, little yellow tomato in a heated sweet vinegar to go with all the veggies, no more corn on the cob, ever, nothing with corn in it. But, I can have whipped potatoes, gravy, chicken, green snap beans (the long ones), cooked spinach, and I can have grits. Why grits??? I do not know, but the fiber count is real low. I have learned to use it in a substitute for corn meal with a little self rising flour and buttermilk, egg and cook like corn bread. (for me). I can no longer eat the crisp carrots, stuffed celery, anything with fruit skin, potato skins, or fruit seeds. I'm lucky because you can buy it seedless and I cook those baby carrots with butter and brown sugar and to look at me now you know I am not missing out on a darn thing. I used to eat those big tomatoes sliced with Miracle Whip for a sandwich. I miss Mexican food, but sometimes restaurants will cut up and fry the flour tortillas for me and I can dip them in hot sauce if is just taste it, no seeds.. It has made me live over six years from something that most people do not live from. So, I stick to the diet and eat my sour cream cake, my ice cream, my chicken fried steak with white gravy, green beans, fried and mashed potatoes. Okay, I'm ready to eat. I like dipping chicken tenders in white gravy. Those two things got me out of the hospital. Poor me. (I have not eat today, you can tell). I have to dehydrate myself and not eat anything when I make a trip and I went a little way up into Arkansas today. I made it just fine. I saw one woman who predicted this pandemic. She predicted it was going to get worse. I sure hope she does not know what she is talking about. My imaginative mind discards some things and some things haunt me. I'm gonna discard this. I do crave raw veggies Gwen. If I gave in though I would be praying to those seven crosses in front of my "necessity" "Dear God, I promise not to eat that again" and he just laughs at me. I did say I repeat myself often now. I just hope I remember to repeat the same thing. Scatter brained.

I am envious actually Kay. I am miserable and have a sit down bicycle I don't use. No one to blame but myself. If you look at the "low residue" diet, you will see that not much healthy can be eaten. With Billy gone, I have let myself go and am a real frump, and have not cared. Still do not care as far as looks go, but feeling good is something I would like to do. I can have eggs, prefer egg beaters, asparagus spears, cooked carrots and cooked spinach. Nothing raw in the way of vegetables and mostly starchy veggies. To feel better, I will do something. The nutritionist was aghast at the only things I am allowed. It means low or no fiber. Chocolate will really hurt me. No nuts, no seeds. I will handle it. Bicycle first.

Know you have tried Benadryl. Of course, the first thing they will do is steroids. Back in the "dark ages" if Benadryl, aspirin, Vicks Salve, castor oil or milk-of-magnesia didn't cure it, then I think they had some kind of yellow sulfa tablets (I may have had some very young), whole family was allergic to penicillin. Saw my mama nearly die from it. Her whole body swelled up, face terribly. Treated it herself with baths using oat meal soaked in water packed inside dish towels (what did we ever do without paper towels)? Strange, some of those old methods still work. Kelli will have a seizure if she is given a steroid shot, but can take oral steroids. I do not watch Bill Maher, but Scott was over here last night and had him on. He is very outspoken atheist, and some are, but I do get offended by this. Call me old fashioned (I am), but I won't watch him. Last night he made a lot of sense. This virus jumps on the immune compromised, and I am. So is Brianna, Scott and Kelli. After the cancer, doctors told me to take vitamin C 500 mg a day. Our health food store had them in what tasted like sour cherry candy. I loved those things. Went to work one time (after coming home from hospital in Houston, and started urinating pure blood, and with all the treatment and manipulations my body had gone through, I figured "what the hell, I'm dying, so what." But, the pain got so bad I went to my GYN doc, which back then I was an emergency patient, go right on in. He asked "when did you first notice it?" I told him at work that morning. He said "you went to work with this pain??" Well, I figured I could die at work as well as at home, my job was not anything but sitting down typing.) I had hemorrhagic cystitis and Dr. Boyd and I fixed that and I told him I was probably taking up to 5,000 mg of vitamin C a day. Well, your body will eliminate 500 mg in four hours. I had just taken more than it could eliminate from a radiated bladder. I stopped at Billy's work, went to their bathroom, passed the calcium phosphate kidney stones, and cut down my vitamin C to 500 mg a day. Only time I ever had kidney stones, no fun at all. I cannot make a long story short, I'm sorry. Something that takes 2-3 lines for most intelligent people, I turn into a book. Thus my word salads. Anyhow, try to keep what immune systems that you are left with, possibly make them a little healthier to fight this virus off. (Two lines, that was all I really needed).

Poor Billy replaced my toilet seats at least 100 times. I put gorilla glue in the screw holes and they lasted over three years, until I moved from last apartment. Duct tape and Gorilla glue are my go to fix-its.

I had a message today from one of the ranchers associations, they are having to destroy animals, milk is being poured out, I guess those chickens that are being flown to China to be processed and sent back to us in packages, they are killing hundreds of chickens because of supply and demand (as best as my non-business brain can understand) and we will buy our beef from Namibia (which makes 0 sense), and I am going to just have to drink Ensure because I will quit eating meat period. My low residue diet allows for nothing but starchy vegetables, mostly grown underground, the one with most vitamins is cooked carrots. I'm gonna be as orange as Trump. I had a hard to understanding life without Billy, and I still do, but all of this other stuff I just do not understand and cannot comprehend the fear of leaving out my door. The fear that we all have and we have to think that many people will go without any money for anything and the fear of entering an office, or going into any business. Some states are opening. Supposedly Texas had it if you entered, you had to stay two weeks, now that state is open (I think). I think the #1 thing to do is "quit listening/watching the news."

Gwen, might be my wishful imagination, but your attitude honestly sounds so much better. I'm not saying you've made a big turnaround, but you are not sounding as hopeless as you used to sound. I know your still in terrible pain and grief, but somehow I am not as worried as I used to be. You even bring up our spirits. I think you are doing great "for the condition you are in" and the condition we are all having to live. Might be my imagination, but I hear a tiny bit of hope.

Continuation: Got a note that Brianna's phone was shipped. Checked shipping number. They (for two days) have no idea what that number is. I called to AT&T this morning, before giving all information I asked if she was working from home. She said yes, and I said you cannot help me. Yuna yesterday said it would not ship till June. (Or maybe it was Saturday). Today the girl told me she would have her supervisor call me within five minutes. That was this morning, no call yet but UPS has scheduled delivery at end of day tomorrow. I'm still not through talking to AT&T. Mama used to say you couldn't fight city hall. Nah, but you sure can stir up crap. So keep fighting. I still have not written the letter to the ER of the hospital that kept Billy out of a bed from daylight until after 4:00 a.m. He was gone about 3-4 hours later. Can't write the letter. If they have not fixed things yet, the coronavirus will stir things up enough. But, keep on fighting them.

The best for the best. Thanks for being here (then and now) and Marty forever.

I did read an article somewhere, or saw a program (probably read something), about horses and dogs having special bonds.

Now that is what I tell them "Look, you are talking to a great-grandmother from Louisiana with a terrible southern drawl." The girl who spoke very good English but talked so fast I could not understand a complete sentence wanted to know what a "drawl" was. (She was from somewhere in the Caribbean.) I explain that to all of them. The girl from Alabama I understood completely. She didn't even have to slow down. Scott teases me that by the time I quit talking to them I know all their family and their life history, where they live and where they were born. He is about right.

Gwen, I get to where I despise myself. I added Kelli to my phone plan which now has five people. I spent a total of 13 hours being passed back and forth between people who had no idea what they were talking about. Brianna was due for an upgrade, so I did that. She is terribly frightened of her Apple phone, which she has never used, only getting texts from her mom. I have my sister and me with the flip phones. The first 10 hours I made them promise my payments would not go over a certain amount and finally, one phone in, waiting for the other that was only upgraded. I have been with them 14 years and after this dies down some, I will face them again, and I will stay on the line until they let me talk to someone in Georgia or even West Virginia. I did talk to both those states and the West Virginia fellow I woke up, in the middle of the day, and he clearly wanted to go back to sleep and I wanted terribly to put him back to sleep. I don't have to go through the whole rigmarole, I know y'all are familiar with it, especially only essential people go into work. I guarantee you, none of the ones I talked to were essential, although I did get one shipped and the other was cancelled, by me, because it was being shipped to somewhere I have never lived. Fourteen years with this company. When I get the other phone in, pay the exorbitant first and second months payments, then I will call them again and demand to speak to someone that has an American accent, can guarantee me that he/she has worked for AT&T for more than a week, then I will wrestle with my "loyalty" payments and get $100 a month knocked off. I've done this before with them. Hey, it fills up a gal's quarantined day. I do not take Xanax with this, but I do take my 2nd blood pressure pill and a baby aspirin.

It exists. In hospitals they hire "editors" (I think they now are called), but the pay is half what I made as a transcriptionist. I kept a notebook of the stupid things the voice recognition heard and was going to put it in a book. I could not keep up with writing down the mistakes and make any money, so I gave up on it. I don't miss that job at all. I did have the luck to have a job I enjoyed for 43 years, officially retiring twice from two different hospitals and working for the biggest hospital in New Mexico (while I typed at home), before being an "editor" became ridiculous. Our charts that are now most all kept on computers (which systems go down often), but you cannot substitute computers sometimes for people. But, there are still positions open (probably) in big companies that bought out the transcription/editor positions. Have reached a plateau to being imprisoned at home. Getting depression, and I hate that. I'm the only one that can correct it though. Cannot take their mood blunting medications anymore, messes with my "innards" disability.

I am retired, I am old, I do what I want to do, which is mostly nothing. Longmire is great, watch it. The only books I will pay more than 9.99 for is C.J. Box. The Longmire editor has a lot of books, but I think his are about 14.99, and I only do that for C.J. Box. I could not read without my Kindle. I did find one box full of books. I don't want them, cannot pick up box, but will probably take them somewhere to give.

Okay, we are stuck inside. I have read all the books, have watched a bunch of movies, now I am involved in a series I never thought I would like. Ricky Gervais in "AfterLife" He has lost his wife. And yes, he is just as hard to like as he is on stage as a comedian but, having lost a mate, you see the hurt he is going through and bless his pea sized brain, he does a good job of grieving (if you can call grieving a good job.), but even in his meanness, you know he's hurting. I'm just on episode 5, and they are short, but I feel for this character. No, if I was not stuck in this house, I would have never watched it. Actually, he is the only person that uses such terrible language that I don't even notice. Okay, I'm going to become a critique for books and TV.

We do the necessary things, if it is in my way, I just move it. I've never been a housekeeper and not going to start at 77. I have read four books so far, starting a 5th, but I admit one morning at 5:00 a.m., I was still reading. Karen, I've discovered another author. William Kent Krueger. He is a sheriff (off and on) in Aurora, Minnesota. It runs the lake section around Lake Superior. Never thought I would care to read about Minnesota, but these are good.. Not as great as C.J. Box, but each time I get ready to finish one, I decide I'm not going to read any more. I used to print out all the synopses of the books I picked out for Billy and I made the mistake of reading all the synopses of all 17 of his books. Every time I decide not to read another one, well, I just have to see what happens. He has three kids and a beautiful lawyer wife. Not an ideal life, good kids though and in the 17th book, his youngest child, a boy, is working with him. His dad had been sheriff too. Other than that, things are going okay. Both kids virus swabs were negative and of course Kelli's had to be traumatic. Tough kid.

Ana, you did nothing wrong. Poly-ticks really have not been a problem. Your country has been hard hit by this virus also. The virus is not political. What I said was poly-tickal. I hate poly-ticks with a passion. That is why I call them "poly-ticks" which means many ticks. Ticks are blood suckers. So are politicians. We do not wear out a subject on religion. Some believe, some do not. We do not beg them to please change, please believe, "We" believe God gives us free will. So, in their free will they have a choice. Myself, I don't have a choice, because I believe. Poly-ticks, in my belief, we have free choice too. And I tell everyone, friends and all, that if they talk poly-ticks, I will "hide, remove" that from my FB. We grieve, but what we are going through now, with this virus, you cannot be with your dying relative, no services, no nothing. I've never been through something like this. My relatives did with the Spanish flu back in 1918 and 1919, and maybe Marty's dad might have been a young man, might have been a young doctor (probably a newborn), my dad was born in 1919, so none of us have gone through this before. But Marty's dad had to have gone through being a doctor during the polio epidemic so maybe she has some remembrance of that. I do, I was a small child but my mom was so afraid for me to be in the sun, I think it was believed that the sun caused the disease. And along came Jonas Salk and helped a lot of families and doctors. We still had 3-4 patients in "iron lungs" when I started work at LSU. They were absolutely in an Iron coffin from feet to head and a life like that was no life at all, but hopefully we will find a cure for this. They did not totally find a cure for AIDS/HIV, I don't think, but made medicine where people could live a long life with it. I'm just saying (badly), if they would let our men of science/medicine have a free rein on this disease maybe they could find a vaccine. But, our poly-tickians are holding them back. They have got to set them free to help us. ...............I'm through. Not gonna delete it because of poly-ticks, but Marty can if she wants to. Like I said, I hate poly-ticks.

Maybe Louisiana, swamps and all, might be part of that 3rd world country. Mardi Gras is a weeks long celebration. When this celebration started, we did not know about the virus. The celebration and conventions continued, not knowing we had a killer virus among us. Our first death in my parish (one of two) was a young woman who had attended a convention sponsored by her company. No one knew there was a virus. This every year event went on as planned, still not knowing about the virus. While everyone was celebrating, the black cloud of doom fell upon the revelers. They got out as soon as they heard...........too late for very many. It spread fast. Louisiana became one of the fastest spread. As of today we have 25,258 with the virus with 1473 deaths, most from Orleans Parish. But NJ is a small state, they have 92,387 with virus with 4753 deaths. New York (who must have rented five big planes to come to Mardi Gras has 257,246 reported cases with 15,302 deaths. True the Mardi Gras crowds spread it, (helped spread it) but it was unknown during the biggest part of Mardi Gras. No fault. Happenstance. And, we as peons, none of us know if this was a mistake (as humans we want to think it was a mistake), as others who want to always find something to blame, they think it was China's way of world domination. Me, I wear my mask (still have some Lysol), have gloves, shower and wash my clothes if I have to get around people, and just try to stay away.

I've always felt that way, even when I was afraid. It was a welcome nothingness. Strange to read that back.

We are not supposed to talk poly-ticks, or really religion, but we sorta sneak in our belief sometimes. And, I don't think it takes geniuses in other countries to understand we have a tweeter bird for our leader and a twit also.

The Mardi Gras carnage had already happened before we got word that it was spread in crowds. Some of our North Louisiana cases were involved in the parades and it was a time for companies to schedule their meetings at the big conference rooms while the celebration was going on. Our first death in this parish was a young woman who had attended a company meeting during the Mardi Gras celebration. Lived here, brought up from New Orleans. Scattered after that because many attend Mardi Grasa. "Mardi Gras (/ˈmɑːrdi ˌɡrɑː/), or Fat Tuesday, refers to events of the Carnival celebration, beginning on or after the Christian feasts of the Epiphany (Three Kings Day) and culminating on the day before Ash Wednesday, which is known as Shrove Tuesday. Mardi Gras is French for "Fat Tuesday", reflecting the practice of the last night of eating rich, fatty foods before the ritual Lenten sacrifices and fasting of the Lenten season. Related popular practices are associated with Shrovetide celebrations before the fasting and religious obligations associated with the penitential season of Lent. In countries such as the United Kingdom, Mardi Gras is also known as Shrove Tuesday, which is derived from the word shrive, meaning "to administer the sacrament of confession to; to absolve".[1]" Copied from Wikipedia. It is actually a celebration, (I believe) that has to do with the Catholic Church and goes back years and years. I'm not Catholic but was always glad to get the day off as a holiday, I think they call it "Fat Tuesday" and I'm not sure of that. We have it in North Louisiana and thank goodness Kelli was on one of the floats. She got into it a few years ago as a photographer. (This was in Shreveport, in North Louisiana, as most cities celebrate it also. ) I meant thank goodness she was on a float because she was not mixed in with the crowds. The crowds spread it, no one knew it was coming, no one knew to quarantine at that time. This is what is sad, our largest areas of outbreak are in our black neighborhoods, either because they are not isolating enough or/and the main cause is lack of insurance to pay the exorbitant medical fees that are still charged. My friend passed away the 16th at 9:30 p.m. She is out of pain, and I know the worries she had for her family, we shared the same ones, but she could not afford to quit working. She was actually more beautiful than in high school, and she was pretty then. Her personality and her heart made her shine like gold. My only solace is with my belief, her husband that she missed so much, he was waiting for her with open arms. She will not be in mental pain with worry, she finally got to quit work, and with her daughter dying and her brother also, I don't know how she could have held up. She was a woman for all seasons, my sister in comfort, and my confidant as I was hers. I will miss her. She does not hurt anymore. She went fast, like Billy did. You don't want those you love to hurt, you don't want anyone to hurt. She was very quiet about her problems and only a few of us knew the pain she was suffering, she suffered in silence and many did not know she was ill. Totally unselfish, and I know a beautiful Angel, as she was on Earth.