Margm

Any one of us, any single solitary person of us, Gin, Karen, Kay, Gwen, Marty, Cookie (I miss you), Ana, Anne, Dee, Kieron, George, Dee, Kevin, and so many more have had a mountain they felt was too big to climb. You either take your trekking sticks, your cane, your walker, or your wheelchair, and you try to climb that mountain because if you don't, it is going to stay in your way. I have my mustard seed and the Bible says I can move mountains with my faith, but Louisiana does not have mountains. It has a worse medical system than my last state, but then again, my last medical system let Billy down, so we have to pick up the pieces and move. We don't move fast, but we find a way to move, to make headway or we just simply throw some pillows around us and stay stationary. and look forward to a new TV show coming on. You just make motion, till you cannot. Then you use the internet to pay your bills, the phone to order your groceries. Our memories “That's the problem with memories: you can visit them, but you can't live in them.” (Shaun David Hutchinson). Right now the word "concentration" has visited me again and I am involved in a book again. I think shock takes away our concentration, but just like artists of all sorts (and I cannot compare myself to an artist, but I know some who are), they get blocks and are at a standstill. My concentration does that to me. Someone can be talking to me and I act interested, but that block in my mind will forget everything they said. Shock can make us do and behave differently. Your body has shocked you and your mind has also. You are in there somewhere though and you will fight through that block. I just know it.

Ah yeah, you are a fighter. Grocery stories deliver now. I don't know how to do it but probably should. I usually go to Walmart, wait in the prescription line, gonna be the 3rd one up and then it hits me. Nope, I cannot use the bathroom in a store bathroom, I run to customer service (they know me now), leave my full shopping cart, I live a few blocks from Walmart and I run to the car and make a fast trip home. Then I go back and get my buggy and get in line for the prescriptions, 9th or 10th now. Getting closer and sometimes I make it all the way through checkout. I remember our water line under the sink busting one night and walking into the den the next morning with ankle deep water and $500 water bill. (They cut it down a little when they cut out the sewer, etc. out of the bill. I put a note on the refrigerator for Billy to replace the other line. (Only time we ever used the house insurance). Never happened. Did not burst in his lifetime though and that is why I rent. Could not afford fixing up a 1965 house, things got old fast, including us. I was no housekeeper, he was no house fixer. I hope you get to go home and I know you are up for things. Keep your meds handy. Take it easy. I've learned that is the only way to take it. The only acrobats I do happen when it is necessary to get to my own commode. You got this girl. Keep everything close at hand. I know how bad you hate to depend on other people, so just take it slow (unless you have to take MiraLax). I get up in the morning and I ache and hurt so bad it takes me so long to get around. Some places I cannot sit because it hurts my back to get up and sometimes I use one of my former walking sticks (not regular canes) to pull myself around. Might help to keep something like that around. I have started noticing people using walkers now and they sorta bend over and I wonder if their back hurts like mine does and I feel for them. You' will find you might need some help but honeychile, lots of us need help, even younger than you. After you get used to it, it might be okay. They were planning on helping Billy a long time. They would always call me and tell me when they were coming. They didn't know he would leave so fast, me neither. I just know you can do it.

I'm sorry Gwen. Had some dealings with nursing home and rehab. My B-I-L got out of the nursing home by giving them his life insurance policy. Lots of money for a two month stay. Settled in a government assisted apartment, met his true love, at the end of two years, said it was the happiest two years of his life. The man knew how to make lemonade from those lemons. His wife of two years had beginning dementia and he had Parkinson's. Billy was with him when he just went to sleep. He was happy at last. He was my hero. My sister walked in on my mom in rehab, her Alzheimer's was advanced, but they were treating shoulder injuries. She was laying on the floor, in her own excrement, huge aide standing over her (she had fell out of wheelchair) and he was berating her. My mind has been so slow since Billy left, since my sickness. The old me would have taken pictures and taken them to court. My family never sued anyone. I am really a quiet person, until my fingers hit the keys. But I do have redheaded roots and a temper to match, slow to anger. Crazy when I am angry. I did get people seen faster at the local hospital. Went straight to head administrator when my mom waited five hours and still was not seen. You are seen instantly now. Billy's leaving took all the wind out of my sails. So many things done wrong, so many things I needed to report. I retired from that hospital, I could have gone straight to the person who could have helped. (Helped other patients) I don't have the fight anymore. Gwen, you've got youth and knowledge about how these things run. Doesn't help much when you feel powerless though. My best wishes for your moxie. There seems fight in you yet and I think you will find it. I hope you will. Sometimes I do good but last night woke up hurting all over, hard to move anything that did not hurt. My sister and granddaughter says they have come a long way medically in six years, but I understand they do not have anything to work with. I was sweating like sweating off a fever. Lower back hurts constantly but radiation has honeycombed my bones. Eventually the cure will take me, but I cannot lay on that examining table like a side of beef without any sheet to cover me. That's not living. Until then I will sleep (sure like to do that), and get up. Some morning I think I cannot get up, but I cannot depend on my granddaughter. (Will not saddle her with that responsibility). I will survive and move till I can't. Beating cancer gave me so many years, but the cure sure made my late years miserable. Not in a wheelchair yet, don't use a walker yet. Some days the footsteps behind me are louder when you reach my age. You are such a fighter though, you've come through so much, and you are not a person to just give up. A lot of life in you still my girl, I think you can fight the establishment (and your ailments) if anyone can.

I know they are proud for you Gwen. Me too. Hope you are in better circumstances and feeling better. Hope you are at home.

My flatlander cousin, and her husband, moved to Michigan, just off Lake Michigan. They have adapted. They got to see both doctor son's children, all their grandchildren grow up. They built a home, three story home, built to adapt to the cold in the area. My cousin-in-law, he now has Parkinson's disease, is probably 80 years old by now as they are a little older than me. He falls a lot. He has inherited arthritis and is in pain constantly. They have a gardener on payroll that follows along behind him and picks him up when he falls. The man does not give up. He also has a pacemaker. He loves to shovel that snow. I just marvel at y'all that handle all of this, but this man is my hero. They fixed him a bed close to the floor with all the things he needs because he would fall out of bed. He has to use Energizer batteries in his pacemaker, that is all I can figure as to how he keeps going. I had to leave rocky Arkansas, no level ground where I lived. Houses built on different levels and my horror was falling. I left the other apartment house mainly because of the front steps being wide concrete steps. I knew I would fall eventually. I am such a coward. You all living in the cold north with all the ice and snow, it is so beautiful. I just have to be so careful, I cannot take pain pills.

Ana, I try to stay away from the "toy" section of Walmart. I would always leave Billy in the fishing supply section and that boy would still be in the same aisle when I was finished. If I took him with me, I could not pick out anything, felt like I had to say "do you like this or that" and he would just boringly stand behind me. He, Brianna and my Kelli are all alike. They will not take the first item in line, they will move it out of the way and if there are more than two of the same, they will take the third.. So, it was easier for me to leave him in the "toy" section. Now, I won't even go into it for a flashlight. And the crying. Well, I've always been able to let the tears flow, wipe my red runny nose, hold my head up, and no one notices or perhaps like a rapid animal, no one is fearless enough to make an encounter with me. Brianna always asks me "are you angry with me?" And, of course, I am not. I'm afraid it was like my mom always said "if you make that kind of face, it will freeze that way." Mine has frozen.

George, my uncle played football in high school, college, coached for many, many years, was the principal of my kids high school for years and years, in tip-top shape. He ate only what he was "supposed to eat" and since my dad, his brother, passed away from prostate cancer, he kept everything checked on constantly. In his late 80's, he is still a nice looking man. A few years ago, he was doing his workout at the hospital gym and had a stroke. He had fought against high blood pressure, but it slipped up on him anyhow.. Now he has had another one, but I can say that keeping in his best shape has brought him out of both of them. I do know I cannot take any other medications than what I take. My sister and granddaughter both tell me they could have discovered all kinds of things new. I have accepted the fact I cannot be fixed and I go along with it. We have two bathrooms now, I take my MiraLax each night and I stay on the low residue diet. If I get off it, I sure regret it, so I remember. George I do wish you the best and all we can do is take care of ourselves. Remember you are younger than me and I have made it six more years from almost dying. I have beat cancer since 1982, then the cure for that nearly killed me, but I have been given a few more years. Four years ago I was not thankful for that. Now I still think of Robert Frost's poem, "The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. We gotta keep trying. Might not be able to do all we planned, but those plans were made with someone else and somehow, just making it through the night and day is enough. Addendum: George, I still wear my mustard seed and I still thank Jesus for answered prayers. I've made it through a lot. I think he still listens to me.

Off topic........no "going through hell" is a topic. Have not done this in a long time, but guess I have done it before in four years, three months, six days, just break out crying. Hit me out of nowhere, don't even know what was said, just mentioning how in sync he (Garth Brooks) and his wife are, performing together professionally, over all these years and Kelly Clarkson talking about working with her husband. Kind of like a knife and all of a sudden I was crying and saw Billy in my mind. It gets easier, but all of a sudden it rips the scar tissue off. I'm back okay now, I can cry but it won't make him come back. Just like always. It does let up. Nothing you can do about it. No pills, words, music, no help. That's life.......and death. That is our punishment for loving, but I would not have missed even the bad parts, I'd do it all again.

We are in a very humid country down here, bayou's, swamps, and we are actually in the piney woods north in the state, near the Arkansas line. Our temperatures were "warned" on the weather report last night that it was going to be "cold." (In the 30's). I took Bri to counseling yesterday in the "big city" and traveled in supposed cold rain all day, but it was actually only in the 50's, so no ice. It can turn on us in February though and we "might" see snow that doesn't stick. Where we lived in AR, 175 miles north of us, we usually had a snow, thus the mention somewhere of snow ice cream. Typing medical reports, orthopedic doctors were very busy in those icy months and at my age I hate to get out in any ice. That makes being in a more tropical climate safer (for me). I love mountains, rocks, desert, and always wanted to visit eastern Canada above Seattle, but never got further than the Four Corners out west. Now, if my legs keep working, I'm happy to be a flatlander again and appreciate days that start out cold, but evenings where you might have to use the A/C again. (Despite the floods and tornadoes) Have not read much lately, but Gwen, I hope you are doing better and get to go home. Kevin, you be careful. (I always feel if I don't tell my kids to "be careful" that something bad might happen. Just have to say it often. And the rest of y'all, Kay in all your snow, Gwen in all your cold and snow and rain, please all y'all try to stay comfortable. I think Gin is in the windy city so I know by now she knows to stay warm. I hope none of you are snowed in. Karen, I think your temperatures are probably comfortable. I think of y'all often (but Billy is still my constant thought.). They are talking about doing a splenectomy on my daughter. Most doctors do not want to touch her because of her von Willebrand's (Factor VIII) bleeding disorder, but her platelet count goes out of control. She is so strong mentally she fights it until she can't and then will sleep almost two days. She is very immune suppressed because of the radiation and chemo they had to give her to kill out the teratomas, but she will get a burst of energy and burn herself out. Then she is strong again for a few days and will overdo things. Mama's never quit worrying.

I'm sorry Gin. This aging process is brutal.

In my 30's we climbed (not pro climbing), just getting from one point to next. I heard voices above us on the trail on Signal Mountain in Pinos Altos, New Mexico. Billy heard them too (he said) until there were no people at the end of the trail at the top of the mountain. Made me seem superstitious (I am) when my telling the story and he said he didn't hear anything. I read about people hearing the voices (after I had heard them) and it was not a fluke, (well, maybe it was), but I heard them. We would climb so high and at Mesa Verde I could not breathe the height was too high. I was only in my early 30's. Yesterday I walked down the driveway to see if the mail truck was at the end of the apartments (we were expecting a package) and climbing back up the drive way made me think of Mesa Verde in flatland Louisiana. It was a little Louisiana hill. Tiny. Old legs. Old lungs. This wet weather plays havoc with my sister's lungs. She coughs a lot and takes a lot of breathalyzers. But, when I was out west my allergy was even worse. We have rain and thunder with lightening this morning. Not real cold. Our lakes do flood homes often. We have a lot of lakes and bayous and road closings. No ice or snow though. I was looking at my memories on FB from nine years ago and we had snow packed with temps of 12 degrees. That is less than 200 miles up the road. I prefer high land and temperatures here but hate my sister to have trouble breathing. Can I say "Yea LSU"? I said it anyhow. (Last night). We won college football, #1, no games lost. Best little (big) QB from Ohio made us #1.

I'm sorry Kevin. Turned AC on early day before yesterday. Got hotter. They had been warning us about this for a week and tornado hit just south of Brianna's school and just south of where Scott lives. Came across Bistineau Lake and killed two people and one up in Oil City. I actually felt the vibrations of the straight line winds. Lots of damage but we were not hit and did not lose electricity. Never been "that" scared of storms because Billy liked to stand outside and watch them with me in the middle bathroom. But, he wasn't scared so I was not as frightened as I am now. Then the temps turned down in the 30-40 range. Hot air hitting cold air. Did lots of damage to trees, there were flash floods, and Mother Nature was really PO'd at something. Stay warm.

Brianna was in Children's Hospital in Little Rock at about 3-4 years old. She had pneumonia and fluid on her lungs. They had to do some type of surgery to drain the fluid, so maybe this is what you meant about the cutting. You might not require as much oxygen if they get the fluid off your lungs. Gwen, I know your feelings about faith, but do know churches that have outreach programs that will not be as intrusive as your neighbor seems to be. Perhaps, if you talk to the chaplain again you might ask him. Anything to take your worry about the outside the hospital things and then you can put all your attention on the "inside the hospital" and getting you back home. I know how hard it is to ask for help, but sometimes we do have to ask because no one knows the situation until you do. There are really good people out there willing to help, but they need to know when someone needs help. If you feel your neighbor is callus, maybe a stranger would be less cold-hearted seeming. If I was 2300 miles closer, you would not have to ask anyone.

I thought perhaps if they were not giving you their full attention, then a new group of doctors would help. But, it seems they are giving you attention and trying to take care of you. One of my doctors saved my life, but the man still needed anger management training requested by the hospital, (and that was before he got me for a patient) so it seemed you had one of those breed of doctors. If you have been admitted, you have made someone pay attention to you. Of course you matter to us. Your many visits to the ER needed a doctor to pay attention to you. Finally, it seems one has. And with my sister needing oxygen so bad, but they keep it from her. I can only hope the medications they give her can help. I am her only relative that can give her any help, or hold her hand, so I know she will need me. (And my health may fail before hers.) I know they send in people to help people that are stuck in the hospital. For Billy's short time we had visits from two people twice a week. I don't know from what department they came from, maybe it was Medicare and you are too young for that. I don't remember getting bills from any agency). Ask someone if some agency can provide help in your home while you are in the hospital. We have a Senior Center here in town that helps. My daughter is not old enough for the Senior Center and you might not be either. The nurse that talked to you, ask her about someone helping with your home, and fur babies. Until then, everyone wants to help and hope and prayers are all we can do.

It was four years on October 17th. December 31st I cried unstoppable. Have not done that in a long time. Maybe another year ending. Maybe a whole new 2020, and he did not see it, at least did not see it with me beside him. And my grandmother writing in her book, the one for her grandchildren, a woman telling the little country woman "18 years, then you should be over it." Grandma writing, "18 years, it seems like yesterday." We have friends that remarried. Some people are happy for them, and I am happy they have found some form of happiness. Then my friend's second husband passed a year ago now and she somehow is going through two grievances. She had two good guys, her children's father and a man younger than her but who had a heart attack on their honeymoon. She was still not lonely, she was taking care of him, almost totally for 14 years. His wife had passed too. Now she is double grieving and I find it hard to handle one. How can you ever begrudge a friend finding some semblance of happiness? Going through this twice is unthinkable. Besides, Billy was jealous, kept it on the down-low, the last few years until a classmate visited in the hospital. He knew he was dying and he saw someone I used to know, had not seen in 55 years, never was close friends with, but he was leaving the hospital AMA. The guy visited hospital sick people as an employee/volunteer from his Vietnam days as a gesture of good will, retired officer. I am too old, have no thoughts of it, and am too afraid of ghosts. But, I wish some happiness for people if they can find it. I've had mine, but would have liked 54 more years, or even gone back and started at day one again. That would be okay. I think we see the changing of the seasons after 2-3 years, notice the full moon (and I talk to Billy into that moon), and we take it day by day. We put up with the inconveniences of age, and we don't envy someone that has been married 60 years because we know how bad one will hurt. This is enough pain, mental, body, and do not want to add to it. Do we call it grief experience or maybe experienced griever? The experience does not really help.

No, you are much younger than I am. I am saying what we at 77 are facing with regularity. I guess it is called life and death. My daughter cannot have a flu shot because of her immunocompromised state. She has von Willebrand's (Factor VIII) in her blood and will bleed like hemophilia. She inherited the tendency from me. I have Factor IX. Then she had the teratoma tumors that do not metastasize but grow in one place and they spread, but not like fingers, like seeds. She had a hysterectomy late teens, early 20's. She just finished immunotherapy that left her with terrible headaches on the first two days. She has to have the platelets built up all the time. She has diabetes from medicine they gave her for bipolar and she has hypothyroidism too. They sent her to The Cleveland Clinic for special radiation and then followed by hospital down here that sent two docs to train in this radiotherapy. She might be around your age. She was born in 1967. As a small child she scratched a mosquito bite and I sat up all night with my finger on the tiny spot and when I moved my finger it spurted like an oil well. Got her to hematologist the next day emergently. It was not a bleeder vein, just the discovery of the von Willebrand's. I think they have to give her vitamin K before and after surgery. Right now it is quiescent, but she goes back to doc Thursday. We'll see. So no, I was not comparing yours to elderly people. It is something we all fight daily if we live long enough. But, my daughter has these problems constantly. My sister is 68 and I have been to the ER with her more than once, about 11:00 pm usually. At first I did not realize she had started drinking again, but if I had taken care of my mom there is not enough alcohol to relieve the turmoil. She has been in AA for two years or more now. But, her lungs are so damaged. So, I am some familiar with your problems. Myself, nothing will save me, so I have to try to stay out of the ER. Once since Billy left. And, I am in terrible shape. Duct tape and Gorilla glue only. Nothing can fix me. But if they keep ignoring you, try to find a new one. Unless you are in insurance prison. Our lives have been dictated by people other than us. Kay, I'm sorry about your kitty. I hope this winter is kinder to you. And Gwen, I agree 100% with you having your Xanax as you take it. That is why I go to Arkansas twice a year. In Louisiana I would have to go back to doctor once a month to get refill. And, if anyone disagrees it bothers me not at all. I take only as prescribed. I told the doc that I did not want to ever quit it. With my neurological condition, they agree with me. I hope they listen to you.

Gwen, my friend, at my age of 77, you are living more of a normal life than a lot of people. The things you are going through are "normal" for my friends. One of my best friends was taking care of her older brother (by a couple of years) while he refused any more treatment for his two cancers. She owns her own business and at 77, has not been able to slow down. She put out $5000 for a stair lift, to keep him from falling down the stairs. I just "talked" to her online and she is at her daughter's house. She cannot go "home." She has finally quit work and is given two months without treatment, six months with treatment. But, she finally got to quit work. She is 92 pounds with stomach cancer. While she was taking care of everyone else, she won't have to anymore. Another "sister from another mother" just had her aortic valve repaired or replaced. They have done Dopplers on her legs now for the terrible swelling. Her husband died last year about this time. Her companion, "Little Man" passed away last month. Her kids are bringing his sister "Little Gurl" to live with her. Both tiny dogs. These two, while taking care of others, could not take care of themselves to terminal results. I sent my condolences to another classmate that lost her husband the 28th of December. My friend Hettie told me when I was crying over losing a classmate "At our age, we are going to lose friends." So, this existence you are going through is the real normal for people of my age. On top of that, to add insult to injury, our car insurance goes up to our teenagers rates because we are dangerous. I have not had a ticket and only one wreck (other person's fault) since the 1960's. So, "normal" is a little red truck headed downhill with us in it. No steering apparatus. Those things we see on TV are actors. We are the real life and we hurt, we fret if the MiraLax does not work as it should, we fall when we shouldn't. A cane trips me, so I take it slower. Do not take hot showers. I never could stress that enough to Billy or my kids. Too hot will make you dizzy. I keep plenty of things to hold on to. Yet, my biggest fall was missing a step on some front steps that were to be decorative. A tiny step made me fall with my fluffy rear end onto my ankle. Immediate trip to ER. He wrapped it after X-raying it He did not know I heard him call it a hairline fracture. Some old cars are not fit for repair, only duct tape and gorilla glue. Normal is my sister walking to my apartment, probably 150 steps away, sitting down and breathing so hard I get afraid for her. She will go use one of her breathelizer's (whatever that is), then she will chain smoke until time for another treatment. We both are afraid of Alzheimer's after her taking care of Mama so long. She plans on going either coughing to death or possibly in her sleep. We have seen too much "normal." As big as Seattle is, and I know it is a drag, maybe a change in ER's might bring more comfort for you. But then there is the insurance okay, the transferring of medical information, and perhaps not even allowing you to change. We get into a medical prison system. People used to say that "normal" was only the directions on a washing machine. I have a new machine and "normal" is nowhere to be seen. I think we need a new college course "how to use new washing machines and dryers." I know I use the word "normal" loosely, but then again, I never knew what it meant. We have to just keep trying. My son is deep in his bipolar depression and my daughter who drove non-stop to Savannah, Georgia to get her brother, spent the night, turned around and came back, only stopping for gasoline. Well, she is in bed with the flu and with her immune system already compromised, feel sure pneumonia will follow, it always does. We have to just fight the good fight, and you are already doing that.

Gwen, I have no words (hard to believe.) I'm not real good at my mustard seed faith, and know you don't feel the same way, but I cannot do anything this far away from you but pray. I'm gonna put all the faith I can put into the prayer. I do know doctors are surprised at the results of prayer. Love you Gwen, I hope the rest of this month is kinder to you and then we will take it a day at a time. That is all we can do anyhow. That's all I have when you are 2,300 miles away. Your in my heart and on my mind.

Mama and Daddy got married in 1940. I think WWII started in about 1939. Women loved those silk hose. Couldn't get them, because of the war. I can still remember the rationing of tires and some foods, so of course men hunted in the piney hills of North Louisiana. At Bri's school in Arkansas, one day was reserved as a hunting day and the boys drove their trucks to school with guns in the gun rack on the back windows. They took deer and turkey hunting seriously. The forest edged our back two acres in Arkansas and we had four deer that lived there, safely too. Billy quit hunting after his dad passed away. He would pick his body up and carry him to his squirrel tree in his woods beside Dorcheat Bayou. These were his dad's last days. A simple man that loved squirrel and dumplings. I think the grief of carrying his cancer ridden body around (he was a slight man) and Billy was young and strong. I think the grief and memories of the many hunts they had made hunting,, it was to him too many memories and grief, so he did stop hunting. He loved calling animals up, but did not kill anymore of them.. We all dodge things that cause our grief. But to the war and rationing. We had a new farm and seed store, and we were given tickets to win the grand prizes. I won 100 baby chicks and 100 pounds of chicken feed. I was about 12-13 and I had people trying to buy them. I listened, but we already had a new fenced in area behind the house, big area. I asked Mama if she wanted to be bothered with them and of course, we took those chicks home with us. When I was a little girl Mama (brought up as a strictly farm girl), would get out and wring chicken dinner with me watching them flop around and crying "maybe they wanted to live." She started putting a wash tub over the chickens. Did not make me quit eating them. Also, (and she did not need a reason) but the politicians were urging people to have a "Victory Garden." And yes Dee, she grew tomatoes like nobody in the country could grow. I loved digging potatoes, it was like finding Easter eggs. I am happy to say that my kids (my daughter especially) got to grow the garden with my mom. They would take the newly dug potatoes down to the little creek that ran by the house to wash them and play in the water. And I never ate oysters, but my mom, dad, and sister loved them. Shrimp, I will eat any time. My sister went back down a couple of weeks ago to New Orleans, where she lived 29 years, and the Gulf shell fish had a black portion to the shell which was where Gulf oil spills had tainted the shellfish. But they said they were safe to eat. Not sure I trust our government for a lot of things, but that okaying the eating of shellfish from the Gulf is wrong. When I was a kid my favorite sandwich was a big tomato sliced thick and one slice would cover the whole piece of bread and Miracle Whip. Nothing else. (I can have the juice of tomatoes, but cannot eat raw tomatoes anymore. But, I can have thickly sliced bread, sliced avocado (thickly sliced) and Mayo sandwiches. They won't let us have the sprouts we used to use in the sandwich (bought my first at a health food store), but I cannot eat them anyhow. I get plenty to eat, I am too fluffy. (I can have cakes and ice cream). I would not trade my growing up on that red dirt road in North Louisiana for living anywhere. And I did crawfish. My granddaddy owned all the land around in those parts and he had a pond that was a little girl or boy's dream. I could jump out onto the little island and Mama gave me sewing thread weighted down with a hairpin. A piece of bacon was tied on and you would pull them in slowly, throw them in the bucket with grass and water in it, and then we (neighborhood kids) would take them home for Mama to cut off their tails, peel them and fry them. We each only got 3-4 of them, but they are as good as shrimp. (Did not eat any of the rest of the crawfish), but everyone else up here boils them with potatoes, corn on the cob, onions, lemons and Tony Chachere packets. My daughter and sister do the whole crawfish thing. I don't. I'm sorry, got carried away. I live about 30 miles from where I was born, raised, and finished school. My GGGGrandfather and his family are buried in a private Shriner's Cemetery across from the park here in town. He was one of the first settlers in this area. I think his son was the first newborn in the area. So yes, figuratively I am back to where all my roots are and a gift to me after Billy passed was from my uncle, a little plot of land in the cemetery where all the other roots have already gone many years ago. An old rock church, my family name on so many headstones, (directly up the highway close to me) and I remember some from when I was a kid and my Mammaw and Aunt Rubye would go to cemetery "workings" and huge dinner on the boards nailed between the trees. And all Billy's roots are just south of us. Same highway.

Really, my folks would eat wild game. Mama made some venison steak once that was delicious, but I was so grossed out when she told me, I became a vegetarian for years. Daddy had milk goats, or at least one named Harriet. Beautiful animal and almost as big as a cow. Mama put the milk one time in the bottles we had delivered. It was cold, sweeter than cow's milk, but I quit drinking milk after that too. But, my mom grew up in a time where they were allowed to kill wild game, they lived on a farm and the big family used to fight over who got the squirrel brains. They would have to kill 10 of them to feed all the kids and half brothers and sister of my grandfather. Mama used to put the resin from a sweet gum tree and mix it with stretch berries (don't know proper name) but I loved it better than bought gum. She used a twig that she shredded the end for a toothbrush and her teeth were beautiful and white. My granddaddy used mules going around in a circle to press the juice out of the cane stalks into a big kettle with logs burning to heat the juice. Later my uncle used his tractor attached to a pole, on low, and it would drive around the circle and make the sugar cane syrup, using butane instead of wood. It was wonderful growing up in those times, huge family fish frying on a "creek" and it was things I could never give my kids. City kids. And I guess this does not help the grief process at all. I had a major cry-out on the 31st of December, do not know why other than facing another year. Country girls will survive, I guess. Karen, perhaps you can eat those apples cooked with sugar and cinnamon. I miss biting into a crispy sweet apple too.

Gwen, they raise them in catfish farms/ponds and feed them, the ones that are sold in the restaurants. They are fried into fillets and are delicious. But, I have eaten them we caught in the bayous. Billy had a filet knife and would skin them and slice the fillets and I would cornmeal them and deep fry them. No fishy taste like salmon. I cannot eat salmon because of the fishy taste. Mississippi has a bunch of catfish farms. (But they are ugly). I actually think lobster looks like a giant crawfish, both ugly.

I came from a farming/living by the bayou/country people. My country twang language comes from where I grew up, ants are aints, leg is laig, egg is aig. I get teased and sometimes I change it to proper English, but will never change one word. Syrup will never be two syllables, and my grandparents and uncle raised sugar can to make surp. Billy tried to change me, but that is one I will not change. AT&T honored me at one time by letting me speak to no one except with perfect English. I told them it was hard for the foreigners to understand an old very deep south grandmother, they could not understand me at all. But, I have eaten wild game only by accident, and only once. All except properly cleaned catfish and pan fish. Not much of it. (Pan fish). Catfish used to be every Friday night at local catfish restaurants.

Y'all north-westerners grow some wonderful apples. We have peaches and pears. Traveling through California I saw oranges ruining on the ground. I was astounded because I had never seen oranges except in stores. Got to Arkansas and there were peaches laying on the ground. Never thought about them. We don't have apple trees like y'all do and in the mountains in New Mexico. If you buy peaches here early they have no taste. And avocados, (something I can eat), California has them. Cannot think what Louisiana is good for except crawfish, which I don't eat.

PACIFIC ROSE APPLES: Cross between Gala & Splendour Apples. Bright Pink-Red Color. Refreshing, sweet & crisp. Thin skin. Available from Washington during fall & spring – get ’em while they last! We have a lot of wonderful food growing in the south, but Gwen, if I had the money and we were not both ill, I would make you rent me out a room just to eat this apple, which I found at one time, but have not been able to eat a raw apple since 2014. Ask about it, it grows in your state you lucky thing. I think it is from New Zealand originally. It was huge, expensive, delicious, and only allowed to tease us in the south. I really think if I called the local Kroger, they might try it, but it was expensive. We could not even get the Pecos cantaloupe up in Arkansas but could in this stretch of the south. It is almost 100% of the time very sweet. I can eat it, and I can eat the apple skinless and cooked.

When we went into the Sacramento Mountains in New Mexico, our RV camps were always in apple orchards. I do not know what kind of apples, but they were delicious. They were just falling on the ground and the owner of the camps would always tell us to take as many as we wanted. One time I took a basket full with no way we could eat all those apples. They ruined of course. I made everything "apple" that I could. But those Pacific Rose apples were huge, flawless, beautiful rose colored, and we cannot find them even at Kroger now. I can eat them cooked. I used to core them, put them in the microwave with cinnamon, sugar, butter. I miss those times. Heck, I miss a lot of times. Please have one for me. Apple dumplings are wonderful.