Margm

Gwen, there was a reason my mom gave me the nickname of Moonbeam McSwine. Of course, only the older people will remember "Li'l Abner" by Al Capp. Still hate keeping house. But that is one thing Billy helped me with. He had to, especially if company was coming. And, it never failed, he would always say "this time we are going to keep it clean." We didn't. Now, the department of health would not condemn us, we didn't have bugs running everywhere, but we all cluttered. And now, I just refuse to cook. And, for sure, we were never broke into (the house), because they really felt it had already been hit. One good thing, Brianna is learning how to cook.

Karen, that is such a compliment, thank you. I know you looked far better and wish I was that size now. I am saying that while I am drinking a banana shake. Busy day, went to see Spiderman, Far From Home, and yes, I am in my second childhood.

This was #58, and we would have taken it "ho-hum" and no kicking up our heels. We usually just traded cards that were heartfelt and read the passages of the card and underlined. I guess we were about as romantic as we could/would get. Scott was 8 days old on our first anniversary and we went to a drive-in down the street from where we lived for a coke. Billy was not a drinker.........I was, but I could not handle much without throwing up. So, alcohol was not part of our anniversaries. A fishing trip was usually in our plans and before catch and release, the picture below tells it like it usually was. I remember one time, and this was not the time in the picture, I caught a huge bass on the bayou on one of the back roads, always lived between the bayous, or close to Bodcau and Dorcheat. I don't have a picture of the big fish caught on our anniversary (we used my dad's jon-boat to get up into the cypress stumps, lots of shallow water, and my bass had just gotten rid of her eggs, so she was skinny, but still big. Then, for my birthday the next month of August, he presented me with that fish. I still have her and the date July 3, 1977. Billy was never good about picking out presents, but this was an original. He did good. Yes, I would repeat all 54 years I lived with him, the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I would not have changed a thing. I knew I would not die of boredom. Now, I'm not so sure. I do miss him. I have the strange phenomenon of thinking I see him ever so often, just the tall lanky man, but of course I know it is not him, and no sadness envelops me like it did nearly four years ago. (Bible speak here) For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. (1 Corinthians 13:12) I have picked up books on the Bible, some "explaining" things that maybe I don't care to understand. I have questioned some things and that goes against everything I was taught. I find peace in believing as I believed as a child. Mama said to never question the Bible. Many do. I will not do it again, it messes with my faith, and I cannot lose my mustard seed faith. As to using the jon-boat, which was about 12 feet and Billy paddled it, we had so many big bass boats that I finally had to get him to sign a paper saying we would buy no more. He was always getting bigger bass boats, faster ones, (but I liked to fish the bayou's and not the big lakes). We had the two man bass boat one time that looked like a tiny party barge. I could handle it myself. We had pirogue's that were sturdy, but I stood up in one that kept going and landed in the lake. My last pirogue. I loved being on top of the water, did not want in it.

George, I did not tell you I was sorry to hear about your dad's passing, but I truly am. As for your sister, she knows where you are. You have not severed a relationship, she will come to you. You are a loving soul and if she wants something in her life besides turmoil, then she should leave it at home and come greet you like a sister should. We love you and know what kind of unselfish and giving person you are and I want to wish you the best of happiness, all that we can muster up after loss. You have a good head on your shoulders and I believe you will do fine.

Two of my friends have lost their husbands since December. Last night, another friends husband had been sent to the Cleveland Hospital from the small Arkansas town he was a deputy sheriff still, for many years. It was a last ditch effort to save his heart, already affected by Marfan's syndrome. She had gone for supper, he was to be moved to a private room from ICU and had an attack they could not bring him back from. Both in their 60's, which to me is young. We cannot help. We can say we are sorry and be there for them like my neighbor Hettie was for me.. She and this forum saved my life. I can explain to one of my friends that it is okay to take something to help her sleep. She is exhausted and thinks and thinks and thinking too much can really be dangerous. We cannot change things. In olden times people would take whips and whip themselves. Possibly the pain took some of the pain from the brain. I can only imagine, but know the pain in the brain. All we can do is be there and tell them the things they don't understand are sometimes just "widow's brain." And, I am not cured of "widow's brain" myself, but we do what we can, like this forum has helped so much, we do our little bit to help those still in shock. And it brings back memories, perhaps it displaces the scar tissue we have built up. Here is my heart, and it is all I have to give. I do not mean to sound cynical, I am hurting for my friend who lost her husband of many years last night. Hurting sometimes is all we can do.

I truly believe "where there is will, there is a way."

Kay, are you better today? I cannot take anything for pain but Tylenol, and we never know when it is gonna reach out and grab us. We lived 40 miles away from a clinic or hospital, no matter which road we took or which direction we went (for four years). You have a good car now, but if you are in pain, cannot imagine the difficulty getting to health care. Please be okay.

Mama used to think aspirin, Vicks Vaporub, Milk of Magnesia, and later on Benadryl cured everything, and I was well dosed with it all. My daughter has had to have shots for about eight weeks and after each one she will have nausea and diarrhea. All I can tell her is the Gatorade and I used to tell her saltine crackers, until she told me "Mama, I cannot find those kind of crackers" so now I tell her Nabisco crackers. Then Mama would tell me after upset stomach, if I was hungry and felt like I wanted it to eat, I usually could keep it down. Dr. Mom was not always wrong. Now my granddaughter tells me she just feels "strange" and damn if I know what kind of pill to treat "strange." If I did, I would have started taking it a half century ago. Hope you don't run a high fever, I always felt good when I sweated them off. Knew I was gonna feel better.

Kay, I get annoyed when my family wants me to go to doc. I know what is fixable on me and what isn't. My sister will say they have made many discoveries in six years, but they have not discovered how to fix the unfixable. (Not sure that is a word). Anyhow, you certainly know when to go to doc and when not to, but it sounds serious enough something might be needed. My granddaughter watches my diet like a hawk, and if I do eat something I am not supposed to have (and that includes just about everything eatable) I will suffer the consequences. Do you have high fever? Might you need a doctor? I sneak up on that question, because it is one I will go when I have something they can fix. Hate your sick.

I do blame my fluffy (that is as close as I'm gonna get to fat) behind on saving me once or twice. Being so close to the ground anyhow, I've managed to catch hold of something, but that one step-off at the movie theater landing my whole body weight on my left knee is still not healed, but I have two heated massage chairs (which I do not expect miracles from) coming in this afternoon. Know I will sleep in the recliner. I never see people anymore, I am looking at the ground. Know I am not immune from a fall. Just hoping not. I'm sorry Gwen. It scares me, which is just one of many things that scare me. Has anyone heard from Cookie, I believe of North Carolina.

Karen, I put down my Margaret Coel ones. The last book she wrote will be the last of the Wind River Reservation mysteries and I refuse to read the last one, if I know it, of any. Will miss them, but have to remember they are Margaret Coel's inventions to begin with. I like "not remembering" sometimes.

Karen, I saw all of them but the first. Being from the "Silent Generation," the one that lost Kristofferson was the bad one for me. Love Barbra singing, don't care for the woman, so did not feel sorry for her. I cried at this one, but I cry at the Progressive Insurance commercials. And, this "me too" movement has opened up women to tell things on men that my generation just ignored. I worked one week with my sister-in-law (professional waitress) at a truck stop. I have never been propositioned, grabbed, and pinched so much in my life. To me it was like pesky flies, just knock them out of the way. It is a good movement, women feel more in power, but everyone is afraid to even call anyone "shug, honey, sweetheart" or any of the names that were insignificant to me. Silent generation indeed. And, I prefer the crime drama too, I like to see the women win too, but love Denzel Washington in the two Equalizer movies. We have watched Jennifer Lopez in "Enough" at least five times. I still cry every time I hear "The Shallow" anyhow. Reading is still my favorite. Have you discovered the author J.J. Jance? Love the Arizona Brady books, but like all of her books. Oh yes, my granddaughter has me watching all the Marvel movies. She would rather go with her grandmother than a group of friends. I'm honored.

Your right Kay. Just when you think you can stand up straight, by yourself, you can get knocked back down with a feather, but your only choice is to get back up again. It is not always "I" and it really is "we," even though you can see the flowers again, can concentrate to read a book again, can see the change in seasons. George is so right (as he always is), we have to forgive ourselves, mainly, we have to get out of our own head. I'm so sorry about Arlie, know what good care you take of him. I just read about a dog from Australia that had just went to sleep. He was 30. Amazing. They asked some movie star on a talk show something about his idea of death and he said the most logical answer, and my words are not like his. He said it was about all the people who would grieve.

Accidental double, sorry.

Thank you. I really think I do good as long as I don't out-think myself. I remember your finding Rose Anne. I know Billy is more perfect than I am right now, but, I know he forgave me. I can shut the door and sometimes even open it. Thought things were okay until I read someone else with the same feelings. I can handle it, I've done pretty good without a pity party too often. Not giving in to it anymore. Well, cannot say that for sure. We all have a lot to miss, but we had a lot to love and not everyone gets that chance. Thanks again.

Most days I can stop thinking about it, self-preservation sets in. I know my friend, she had fussed with her husband and then had to leave out of state to their granddaughter's life saving surgery, and young man that he was, it was 21 years ago now, and he had an aneurysm during the night, she could not get him on the phone, her relative (at her permission) had him cremated. She could not get back home fast enough, and for 21 years she has been haunted by guilt. Beautiful woman, never even thought of another marriage. Some times I put it behind that invisible door in my mind. Sometimes I can do it. Then reading Katie Couric's "things she would have done differently" just knocked that door off its hinges. There it was, all over again.. Mama passed away 10 months later. I closed her eyes and told her to please tell Billy I was sorry. He knows I was though, he knew me. After 54 years, he knew me. I just feel I let him down when he needed me the most. That feeling will never leave, no matter how hard I try to keep that door shut. I cannot get the picture out of my head. Never will. He would get tickled because (before cell phones) I would get down the road and could not remember if I had told him I loved him. We could never leave without saying that, it was a strict rule with him because his family never said it. It certainly was not hard to say, but if I forgot whether I did or not I would turn around and come back. He liked that. I was so happy for cell phones. When I talk to him, that is the main thing I repeat over and over. Just a trigger from reading the story Katie Couric had mentioned. So, some things still haunt us all, and then we pick ourselves up and go on. That is all we can do.

Y'all know my biggest guilt was getting angry at Billy because he was letting me know he had to give up. He held his hands out to me and I slapped them down and said "NO!!" and lay my head down next to him, on the bed, and he left. From the time I typed this young couple's death summary for the husband and the doctor said the wife was rocking him like a baby, in her arms, I knew that if it ever happened, I would do this. How many times I have beat myself up, you cannot imagine. I was not going to let him go. He had fought so hard keeping me safe during the cancer, the colon rupture, he nursed me back to health. In fact, he wanted to do everything for me, yet giving him a bedbath hurt his ego so bad. He was my baby and nothing was taboo in taking care of him. Couldn't he see that? I took care of him like he did me, but it was something he would not tolerate. I just read Katie Couric's looking back at her first husband's death and things she would have changed. She would have talked about the terminal illness. I would not let Billy talk about it because it was not going to happen, I was not going to let him go. We had had too many miracles with him and with me........but, this time he did not listen. I can put it behind that door in my mind, but reading Katie's account of her first husband's death opened the door wide open. His only words to me were "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes." Okay, that's it, I will close the door again.

I think it must be like getting rid of a drug addiction sometimes when you rid your life of things/people that aggravate you. If they bother you, if they are not empathetic at all, then they are not needed. I hate to be cynical............no, actually I don't. Sometimes that is something about old age I like best.

I'm sorry Kay, and you know that is all we can say. My coworker had no children, was not married, and she was so cute with her "Mopsy" and I would send toys. Mopsy passed away and my friend was so grieving and came into work. Our boss, a heartless doctor, told her in so many words to "buck up, it's just a dog." Not the least of things I heard him say and I got out of that office as soon as I could. So did she, very soon afterward. She told me that her new fur baby loved the last toy I had given Mopsy most of all. We run into these people often and it makes us think of that old saying "only the good die young." I have found it best to ignore some people into oblivion as friends, and I don't miss them at all. Never were really "friends." My heart to you. 💗

Kay, I'm not well up on things, but I didn't know either. I'm so sorry. 💗

Same ole place Gwen. I hope you are doing better. 💗💗💗

It will be four years in October since he "left." I know his ego would not want me to remember the final moments, but sometimes, maybe untold time between thinking this, but it will hit me "you are really gone, you really did leave me" and I will want to cry, but I don't, or I might, and then I have to accept it. What else can we do?

Me and Billy, "just having fun." ........and making memories over Brushy Creek.

Ana, I cannot remember us ever "celebrating" our anniversary. I do remember on our 25th my daughter and two of her friends had a big banner and cake waiting on us when we got home from the Sacramento Mountains in New Mexico. Billy and I spent the night of our 25th sleeping on cots in a tent up in the Sacramento Mountains in southern New Mexico. It was a beautiful apple orchard. We were "healthy eating" and had fixed carrots, potatoes, and onions inside a beef bouillon packet wrapped in aluminum foil and baked in the coals of our campfire. There was a little mountain stream running down to the Rio Penasco river and we kept our watermelon in that stream for dessert. The river was so small you could step across it, but Billy caught his first trout, and he and the fish were hooked. He let the fish go and now he, himself, in body is gone, but not from my heart. On our 50th we got new engraved rings. His was too big and he lost it in the little lake in Arkansas. I have mine on. I cannot say Happy Anniversary, I know it is not happy, and I wish you all could have had as many years as Billy and I had. It does not make me hurt less, just fills my head and heart with too many memories that are bittersweet. Tomorrow my mama would be 98-years-old. I wish her little mind could have enjoyed old age. I slept till 12:00 noon today but did not look at the clock when I quit reading. I have not slept this late unless I was bad sick, and once before my daughter was born and she will be 52 in July. I wish you well today, I am sorry the grief is so hard. Sometimes the grief is as deep as the love was and still is. The summer months bring my family's birthdays and our anniversary.

I have my "Grandma Angel" figurine that has one of her wings broke moving down here and have not fixed it yet. Scott will fix it for me. My hands shake too bad. Karen, I think I will put my cup by his urn, I put all the stuff I want to save by it. There is a bookcase at the end of my hall, to the right is my bedroom door and I run my fingers over the picture of him and me with his high cheek bones, I can almost feel them. I got tickled going into my daughter's apartment a few minutes ago. There were three little ole women (probably about my age) and they were arguing about how we will ascend to Heaven, what it says in the Bible, and their belief. I don't know if they agreed with me cause I left, but I told them my husband was coming to get me. I don't know how such things happen, but I thought it ironic that people my age were talking, arguing about our next trip.