Margm

When Billy "left," my daughter was already taking things. I actually, until I had time for a clear thought, I had to stop her. It hurt her feelings and for that I am sorry. When I could think, I gave her everything she wanted anyhow, but my son, still depressed from losing his hero, he has a hard time even wearing his clothes. I seem to understand that even more than my daughter. She has his picture out all the time and takes comfort from even movies he loved. No two of us grieve the same, but that is not good or bad. It is what it is. None of us are wrong.

And that is all any of us can do.

Each of us does what we have to do whether it is chopping wood, enduring a hard winter, throwing up sand bags to keep the rain from making the swamp enter our home, putting up with things we never planned for, and certainly no perfect life, especially after losing the light of our life. We are left though, and we have to make the best of what we have because we are not getting younger or stronger. That is all any of us can do, take what life throws us one day at a time and hope for a soft place to finally fall.

I put an addendum to my note above. Gin, I am so glad you were pointed in the right direction. Thinking of you all often.

Gin, I too have a slow heart rate and they took me off one of the medications. Kay, I cannot depend on my kids to "move me." Somehow or other, someone will always know someone and all of a sudden a van is rented, there are usually 2-3 strong men that take you from and to the place you have to go to. They do not do the work for free, but it is usually someone who needs the money to help. The other apartment is a mile, maybe less from here. It will cost me something to have the men to haul things in and out. But, I have only done this once by myself and I was brain dead when I did it before. Have to have income tax money to do it this time. But like I said, we never stayed long enough to have anything of real value, but I cannot depend on my kids to help much. You have been where you are enough winters, like my cousin on Lake Michigan, you know how to dig yourself out. I wish you the best. And Gin, my cousin was given a pacemaker. They live on Lake Michigan. This was a few years ago and he does not get out in the cold now as it makes him short of breath. Thank goodness for pacemakers though. I hope this improves your life tremendously. We cannot bring back "what was" but we can try to be more comfortable with "what is." Please take care of yourself. It sounds like you know what you are doing, and know people that help you.

There is your answer. You see, Billy and I, well, I've said it so often, we were not homesteaders so we were getting rid of stuff all those 54 years. In 1993, 1994 or so I had one of the biggest bonfires you have seen on Lake Bistineau, leaving the place Billy had wanted to live for years and years. We cleaned off the two acres on the water with a big deck that went straight out and then to the left and to the right. Big front porch on the house he had always wanted. We were going to sit on that porch overlooking the lake often. We were going to fish off that pier often. We didn't do all that and we lasted four years after the house was built and moved into a 19 foot 5th wheel. I cried when we got rid of our 28 foot Holiday Rambler 5th wheel and moved into stix and brix. So see, I am so different from most people on here. A home, a tent, an RV was only home if Billy was in it. An apartment fits me fine. I am "odd man out" and it fits me. I fully understand people being unable to leave many years of things accumulated together.

Brianna had the salt shaker move 2-3 inches while she was watching it. She kept telling me about it and I figured some water had gotten underneath it and kinda bubbled it downward away from where it had been. Then last night, I had the ear buds listening to "sleep music" and had an odd feeling I cannot describe. Nothing I could see or feel, but Billy came directly to my mind and at first it kind of scared me, but I told him "good night Billy" and wish it was him instead of maybe a TIA or something signifying a stroke. Had taken my blood pressure med and just had not had that feeling before. It was not like it was on my skin, but just close, just a moment. As crazy as it sounds, things like that don't really happen to me. Now, I do talk to Billy before I go to sleep, him and Jesus both. Like I've said, they probably shrug their shoulders and both listen. Brianna said though, if he did talk to me it would scare me to death and he would not do that. That is true. Probably just nothing, but no fan was on, no window open, not expected. Maybe even a little alarmed. But playing with Brianna is something Billy would do. She knows it too. Probably will never happen again. Did kind of alarm me though.

I did not think of "lack of options," I just did it. Of course the house was not paid for but I was lucky because we had a yard sale once (my daughter did) and I had a list of phone numbers that wanted my house. True, we were RVer's, but we had been around there since 1997, not in that house, but long enough it should be home. No place was home though if Billy was not there. In those first weeks of delirium I gave everything away, leased the house, and they now own it. I knew when I woke in the 2:00 to 3:00 am morning time to three police cars and an ambulance in my front yard (could not hear phones, ear buds in my ears) that I was not "home.." My greatest memory is some scavenger hauling off four garden hose hooked together from my back yard as the moving van was leaving that "I really did not care." Everything I cared about was gone and I had to get back to my actual "roots" and that meant most all of my relatives live in the family graveyard off this road I live off of, about 30 miles north of my driveway. Three of us (women that had been lifelong friends, classmates) were going to be prepared to go into assisted living at the same time, we are all in our late 70's now, or at least over 75. I knew I could not/would not take care of a house. You know, all I remember leaving in that beautiful house and yards, that is seeing that man take those water hoses. One of those friends bypassed us and went straight to the nursing home, her late wine nights just did her in. I honestly used to criticize my mom as a "mean ole woman" because she did not hold on to any of my dad's musical instruments, any of his things. I signed over all their land and home to my sister who has a "millstone" around her neck. She cannot afford to keep it up or even buy insurance for it. There is a water leak we cannot find that has made my mom's room full of mildew and mold and we do not know what to do about that and cannot afford a plumber. The leak has quit, we have the room duct taped all around openings. I saw a very old woman come out of a once nice home the other day, she still had on her housecoat and layers of clothes. I don't know if she had electricity, but her house was totally falling down around her. If you are younger, and if you are in lots better shape than I am (and Kay, you have to be a Superwoman), then more power to you. I just know when I had to let go of Billy I was too old to hang on to anything I could not handle myself, and could not afford to hire it done. We do what we have to do.............and what we are able to do. I know many cannot let go of things, and I understand, but I had to. It was right for me, but I am odd man out.. And I still have some of his clothes hung in between mine and my bottom pillowcase has two pair of his pants and two of his shirts, plus I wear his jackets. Still cannot stare at his pictures. What works for one will not work for ten others.

Kay, moving back down in Louisiana was a snap judgement for me. I could not afford the sentimentality of being where Billy left me. We were in the mountains (and for Oregon, the Arkansas mountains are just hills), and over a week without electricity, a fireplace that only worked at "blowing out heat" if you had electricity (which we didn't), one time of hearing the trees snap in the distant mountains sounding like gunshots, Billy and Scott both sliding down the hill to the little pond to get water to flush the commodes, and my only job was to feed us three and try to keep us warm. I could not keep us warm. Louisiana flatland people were not ready for such a winter in the mountains. I have no doubt I could not survive the trials you have been put through. I have a big family I have to help take care of and keep my wits about me (which sometimes I feel is escaping slowly). I realize sometimes it is impossible to leave a place because of sentimentality, but if it means getting to a place you and your fur baby can live in a less dangerous situation, it might cause some deep thinking on your part. My friend is facing leaving sentiment or letting someone else handle the swamp coming into the house with rains. Once we had strong, healthy men to help us. I am from the generation that wants to think I can handle most things Billy could, but the simple task of lying to the IRS on TurboTax has me totally stumped. I won't do it. I also won't pay over 300 dollars to get back 100 to H&R Block. If we are left to take care of ourselves, we have to do it. You have been fighting a valiant fight. I cannot do what Billy did, so I will give up what was ours to try to live, since I have no choice. You have to do what you have to do, but it has to help your two grown children to know their mother is safe in safe conditions. Just my two cents worth, but know what a sharp mind you do have. And, you have to provide protection for that strong body of yours also. I had one small touch of what you are going through, just a tiny moment in time, but you are being hammered. My best thoughts are given to you. You are a strong woman. Lots stronger than this flatland female.

Hey Karen, you have it pegged. I have not unpacked. Ha.

I know you cannot move and the crime rate is tough, but I sure love Albuquerque. I won't be going there either, but they have the best hospital anywhere around, Presbyterian. Wish we were like "Bewitched" and could just wiggle our nose and make magic happen. (Remember, I never unpacked, so I'm ready to go if I can afford it).

I'm peeking. Love y'all. I have Fridays free. My sister does not have a car. Thinking of reaching out to hypnotist for the smoking since she cannot afford them and no one else can either. Her insurance pays for hypnotist. Hoping it helps, nothing else does and she quit alcohol, hardest to quit the cigarettes. I will have to take her to largest city around here (Shreveport), and take my granddaughter to counselor on Wednesday in that city and to school 3 times a week. One good thing. The city recreational center is less than a mile from her school and I'm up to 45 minutes on the bicycle with a lean back seat as they don't want the weight of my body to be on my legs. It's hell to be so short, short legs, low residue diet, but I'm still moving..........obviously. Looking at another apartment that has W/D setup (I would have to buy W/D), and I guess the idea of moving has overwhelmed me. Gotta depend on income tax return. Anyhow, I think of you all often, I am with Billy constantly, the moon, clouds, blue sky, and all the flowering trees are flowering now. I'm sorry Kay and y'all in the cold wet areas. This is kinda wet tropical down here, but some cold too, just no ice. The other apartment does not have steps leading into it. I am on first floor here but the steps seem like a mountain. Some things I am having problems with. Love you all. Our recreation center is $10 a year. I can afford it. This is the same bicycle they had me on in rehab I only went to about 4 times and it cost my insurances 1090 dollars. I will pay 30. Prefer the rec center prices. I checked on all y'all. Please take care.

I'm sorry Gwen. I, really have no words because we all know words do not heal. I just figured the miles between here and Seattle and it is 2317.9. You need someone with you and no one will substitute for the one you need. Your in my heart, and whether you believe in it or not.....I do.....so you are in my prayers. 💖

I saw a recipe for two gal. hot water, two tablespoons Dawn liquid, and one Tablespoon alcohol. Said the steps would not have to be de-iced again. Honestly, I would feel better with a bottle of alcohol. Have not had to try it. (on your steps).

We had some very cold temperatures at night, down into the 20's a couple of times and at one time thought I might have to get my coat out of one of the boxes. Just lows in the 30's and 40's at night and up into low 70's in the daytime. Poor little flowering trees all get fooled by spring temperatures, then freeze up this time of year. Don't miss the snow at all. They have a recipe to de-ice steps using Dawn liquid, hot water, alcohol and said it would keep working. 2 gal. hot water, 2 T real Dawn, 1 T. alcohol. Have not tried it yet. Have not had to. But it is only middle of February. We get fooled with cold weather later on.

Dee, my friend's first husband passed in the early 2000's. She did not cry for six months. Then she got terribly angry for him leaving her with his sick mother and hers. (He had cancer). Two years later she remarried. After about 15 years he has passed and her grief is so confused. She is grieving first husband on top of grief of this one. I won't try to sort it out.

In north Louisiana the sun is shining. It is 68 degrees. Supposed to get down one day this week with high of 42 and low of 35. Possible rain three days, but highs of 75. This picture below is my grandparent's country store, probably in early 1950's. My southern cousin, two sons, both doctors that married Yankee's. She and her husband had a house built right off of Lake Michigan. Have lots of pictures taken from the windows of her house with temperature of -3 degrees. She has adapted so she can watch her grandchildren grow up. I'm proud of her. She loved the south. Her home, when she was teaching college English, was an old antebellum plantation home she had built to look like the real thing. It was beautiful. Know she added extra insulation to the Grand Haven, Michigan home. I know it is beautiful where you live Kevin, but this little fat woman would still not have enough body insulation for y'all's temperatures. When we lived 175 miles north of here we had snow at least once a year. Lots of snow ice cream put in the freezer. Billy's favorite. I look at the pictures of my cousins mounds of white snow covering everything with so much ice cream snow, but that notion has flown away with Billy. I'm glad you are enjoying your move and being Canadian, you know how to keep warm. I saw where a U of Iowa student froze to death and my first thought was, must have been from Louisiana. We seldom have snow, and that is actually the only picture with snow I could find from Louisiana. Long, long time ago. Bless you all this Sunday and I hope Gin gets to come out of the house if the weather lets up. My cousin's son is a doctor in Chicago and it sounds rough. Maybe some of you will get to notice the daffodils, tulip trees, fluorescent green new leaves, I pray so.

I just watched Scott go back into the apartment building as I was leaving and it was like seeing Billy as I had seen him a million times. I did not cry. Again, it was a mirage.

Kevin, you did not need me to motivate you, you are always all of our, the whole group's motivator. You keep moving on and you do it in a positive way. Way to go boy!!!!

Girls, sometimes it all feels unreal, almost like he never was here at all, that I made it all up in my mind. Right now I just want to get family straight. I cannot say I am well, cannot say I am sick. Still drive and still carry too much weight......body and mind. I love you all though. Sometimes I just think I learned my lesson and quit playing God, as I really have no control of anything.

I carry on life, I live and hope if I die in my sleep my granddaughter will not be the one to find me. I start at the recreation center here in town, a new complex, huge baseball fields, very big building. I have gained my 30 pounds on the necessary low residue diet and my short legs do not want to stand after sitting down. I can only use a sitting down bike, the seat with the back to it. My family seems well. Son still in deep depression, granddaughter finally agreeing to antidepressants. Not at my urging. Learned a long time ago, some choices have to be hers and hear in her voice that her mom and even me have given too much advice. Was reminded she is adopted and does not have the bipolar gene passed down by my family. And she does not. Still, getting her out in public is something that has been hard to do when you cannot push. Her counselor says no pushing. My sister is still in a quandary. Years of degrees do not make a life for you if you do not apply it to living longer than your education. Daughter is advancing beautifully, without a partner, (other than my retirement). My friend's husband passed right after Christmas. I have many invitations to be with friends. I find myself busier than I was when my kids were in school. I find myself with one thought, getting a memory marker for the cemetery to put on our plots. Other family members say "what about us" and I have finally figured out my only purpose (other than making sure my sister has a ride to go where she has to go and my granddaughter also), my only real purpose left is to "go quietly into that good night" and I sure hope I can go quietly because modern medicine has nothing to offer me. My attitude at the one time is cynical and at the other time is fatalistic. I understand both. I hate winter. I long for the time Marty's dad described about southern women, we do not perspire, we glisten. I read the forum still, but find I have nothing more to add. It is what it is. My heart is still with you though my problems are the ones I live with. I still have empathy, and know its meaning.

Investigate this Gwen. I know you do not want to leave home. My sister had someone come in to help with my mom and maybe Medicare pays for it. Am not sure you are old enough for Medicare. You must have excellent insurance though and your ER social worker should be able to help with this. After so many years of volunteering, I know you hate to give that up. But, most nursing homes have rehab attached to them so you might know someone that can put you in touch with help. Keeping a clear head when you are ill and when you still have widow's brain are two things that seem impossible. 💗💟💗

Thinking of you Katie-girl. We love you.

Gwen, I am sorry you are having worse health concerns. I moved into an apartment because I figured it was my entrance into assisted living. I know this is not what you want and you have your fur babies also. I wish we were all closer too, we could at least check in on each other all the time. When I was swinging between coma and being aware of things, I got so much comfort from just seeing the silver cross on the wall. Then the nun would hold my hand and pray for me. My death never entered my mind (I didn't have much mind), and my fever kept going so high the new thing was to uncover the patient and let them have the fever chills. I remember pulling my gown up to keep warm and flashed anyone in the room. I didn't care. They still didn't cover me. We've seen too much sickness. I am so sorry. I have not answered because I don't know what to say. We just need comfort sometimes and I hope you find it.

I need to encourage you about the quitting. I will always believe the oral tobacco poisoned Billy, did cause his cancer, and he tried to quit. He was down to two cans a week. The damage had been done. My sister went to physical therapy (respiratory therapy) and felt better than she has in years. She quit for 15 days and was the most miserable person that I could not be around. My son, years ago, when he drank Tequila, he became a mean, terribly mean person. His liver is forever damaged from the drugs and alcohol. He is still living. His dad isn't. Scott quit them all. His dad could not quit the oral tobacco. His brother came out of ICU and never picked up another cigarette after over 50 years of smoking. My granddaughter (oldest one), takes Adderall for ADD. She is in her 30's. It is a form of amphetamine. I cannot tell her to get off, it is prescribed by a doctor, yet I know getting off amphetamines cold turkey is very dangerous. I tore up my house, hit Billy in the head, made him bleed, cut my wrist, hit a bleeder, and wound up on the psych floor with my dad coming in wanting to know what I had done with the life he and my mom had given me. Damn if I knew. I know the stuff scares the bewillies out of me. I did it so I could stay up nights, work, and be there for my kids in the daytime. Seven years I have no recollection of to remember. Doctor's prescription. They say religion is a personal choice. It was a way of life for me. There was no choice. Still isn't. After 15 days my sister said there was no way she would ever try to quit again. She has quit alcohol twice. Tobacco industries put things in tobacco that you cannot quit. Some people do.. Some people cannot. It is like the Xanax. You can quit it. I can quit it. You do have to coast off it. You will not have side effects of the cigarettes or the amphetamines. I cannot take aspirin to prevent strokes. If Xanax calms me down enough and the blood pressure med helps, I have to take it. In the end, we do what we have to do. We pick our poison, or we leave it alone. My sister says she will never quit again, even if I have to buy them and the hardest thing for her to do is ask me to do this. The addiction is stronger than pride. I don't know Gwen. My mom called them her "friends." She lived to be 95, but did not know she was alive. Life was a magazine.