Margm

Gwen, I'm at the age my friends are either sick or dying. I'm sorry if I took it wrong. I just know there are other women out there, and men, that have no one. They live in shelters because they have no relatives or close friends. You have more things going on than one person should have to handle by only one person. You need help. You need to not have to worry about your fur babies if you are in the hospital. I know it would be hard to trust a stranger. My sister needs someone to help her also and we are at a stalemate as to what will happen. The house needs worked on terribly. Some times we cannot handle everything. I spent all yesterday angry at Billy because I know he would have found someone else. I know he would. Hence my anger.

Do not think you are the only one alone. I know I can sit back and say that, and I have family with me, around me, and friends that will help with just a call. My friend is handling her second loss so much different. Right now, I do not want to interfere with her grief. We have messaged. Her children are smothering her just like we all smothered my grandmother. My friend went six months without crying after first loss and anger was her emotion. This time, the second time, she is crying a lot. Her children are there for her constantly. Right now she is going through what I felt like when I said I wanted to go to the middle of Texas, park my car behind a seedy motel, bedbugs and all, and just be alone. I knew a "silver alert" would be all over the USA. After three years, I am comfortable having them close. My friend, after less than two weeks, wants to be alone. She cannot. He had grown kids, she has grown kids and grandkids, and no one wants to leave her alone. I wish there could be a happy medium. My sister will not consider a live in companion. She had men friends and girlfriends, the "best of both worlds" but did not want to be bothered with anyone full time. We are all different. Gwen, there is some woman out there that would love to have the companionship of a friend. Women who do not have anything period. You might look upon that like my mom looked on volunteering. She was lonely. I mentioned volunteering, but my mom was aghast at the fact I meant working without getting paid. We all see things differently. You might not trust someone you don't know, that is certainly logical, but there are women who need friends and companions to help make it through everyday life. You have a lot to offer someone who has nothing at all. But, like my sister, perhaps it is easier to be alone. I understand that.

I am quite sure I am certifiable Cookie, but have been even before I lost Billy. A supervisor once told me that I was crazy, but in a good way. Billy once asked me if I worried about his "facilities" and I look back now and think possibly he was seeing changes in his mentality. He did have the aneurysm that was old at the base of his brain and perhaps he felt something that scared him. I never knew him to be afraid of anything. He would reach down and pick up a snake (in the dark), he would stand at the door with tornado warnings in our direct area, door open. Maybe he did not want to show me he was afraid. He did develop road rage, which was new. I told him I never worried about his "facilities" but might worry about his faculties. My daughter has a small poodle. They are supposed to be so intelligent. She has a picture of her in her red sweater looking out the car window. I told Brianna that was my granddog. My granddaughter said "no, she is another granddaughter, she thinks she is human." She does. You can talk to her. Kelli has her saying "mama" and she acts like she understands everything you say. She does have separation anxiety if Kelli is away from her for any length of time. Really intelligent pups and beautiful also. Won't be long until he is "grown."

This morning at 3:00 am I got a message from my dear lifelong friend. Her 2nd husband, of 15-16 years had just passed. She told me that he was fishing in Heaven with my Billy the Kid. I knew he had quit eating and it was only a matter of time. My heart is bleeding for her second loss. That is all I can say. Lots of family involved, both sides, all got along wonderfully. Sure she has family, and we don't want to lose our family, but she has lost another part of herself.

My heart is with my friend. Known each other since we were 15 and she married Billy's friend three days before Billy and my wedding. He passed in 2000 and she was angry, so angry more than any emotion showed. Married two years later and these last 16 years have been spent in surgery and recover and miracle after miracle. She will spend Christmas in hospital, new years in nursing home rehab, where he has been three days a week for months. Nearly lost him twice lately. Family all called in. My friend, my sister in grief, my heart is on her shoulder and we are communicating constantly. It is grief all over again, it is sharing of grief and me wanting to help. We can't. This is that path only we can walk alone, but I'm beside her on the trail, only a hand's length away.

Everyone in mine and Billy's family smoked. Mama didn't smoke while pregnant with me and I nearly killed her in childbirth at eight pounds. My sister, she smoked the entire time and she only weighed six pounds, but she (my sister) cannot quit. No money. No transportation. COPD, and she kicked her other addiction but cannot kick this one. Mama told me never to hide it, she would buy my cigarettes. So my friends and I slipped off up to the rodeo arena where no one was, and we all tried cigarettes. They told me how to inhale but the pain was so bad and I really wasn't slipping around (no fun), so I decided not to try it until one more time and the same results. They kept telling me I was doing it wrong and if it hurt any more to do this stuff "right" then I could not handle it. I guess I was lucky. They eventually had the habit and my poor sister cannot break the habit. We kept thinking cigarettes would kill Mama, but my sister was still giving them to her even with the Alzheimer's at age 95. After Billy quit smoking, my allergies went away. Just poof, they were gone. So surprised. Unfortunately, I will always believe the oral tobacco was his killer.

Would love to see a picture of the canyons and trees. I try to picture things like you describe them. Sounds like a beautiful part of the country. I think Cookie lives in one on the opposite side of the USA. I live in the bayous and swamps, but this is pine hill country too in the northern parts. So different that New Orleans seems in another state. Picture below is Bodcau in the country my mom's homeplace was located a few miles away. Could not fish it when I was a child, run-off of chemicals from the paper mill, but environmentalists and new laws cleaned it up. Not my picture.

I have not lived here in these apartments long, maybe over two years. Neighbors come and go. Some go in the quiet of the night so they don't have to pay rent. My closest neighbor left this morning. Husband had to be hard of hearing, he was a large man, not fat, just tall and big, and loud. She is a tiny quiet woman. The ambulance came often. Sometimes old age "does not go gently into that good night, sometimes it rages with the dying of the light". This was not "home" to them. They were from south Texas and this morning the moving van, with much loud clamor and voices, scraping, knocking; moving is not a quiet job. I said my goodbyes a couple of days ago. I will miss her, but she needed to be "home" and close to relatives. She will find good doctors in her home surroundings and family to help out. Sometimes people seem "out of place" when they should be somewhere else. People leave us all the time, but somehow the spirit of all our ancestors seem to hang around. Remembering the visits, the reunions, the childhood, the good and the bad, but all memories seem to have a center.......somewhere. I saw an older man and woman holding hands, walking into Walmart. I think some of the holding hands was done to help the other one just be able to control their steps. I looked at them as having each other and thought that maybe they were "old people" newlyweds. Probably not, and I was happy they had each other for support and sad because I knew that one would be so lost without the other. Maybe in a way I might have selfishly been glad that my neighbor was going close to relatives. He seemed angry all the time and know he hurt terribly from painful joints and moving his body around. This way, when it happens I won't know it. They both are on a fast track to see who leaves first, her cancer scans at three months were clear, but her heart was still giving out and her husband, he did shout out at everything he was in so much pain. Too much introspection today.

It is not hypocritical to want to feel peace. Peace from the organ playing, the quiet Christmas music, the stained glass. The picture of Jesus with arms wide, doves, and the old rugged cross. Whether you identify with the Christian life or just feel the need for a quietness in your mind for just a moment, a house of worship, just sitting in it without thoughts can provide some quietness to the mind, if only for a moment. People will leave you with your own thoughts. I am thinking this in the big city. The small town churches doors are usually locked from people that would harm the sanctity of the church. Doors used to always be open. I felt peace walking into a Catholic church and just sitting, mind quiet for a moment.

Dee, I think that is how we all feel. I have repeated this so many times, Billy would say "I am you and you are me" and I have lost half a person. I forget so easy, which we can say is age, but paying attention to something for any length of time, I cannot do that again. That was sweet about my "word salads" (thank-you), but sometimes I get carried away with words. And Gwen, I wish she could see how important she really is. To people who have no one to visit them, and family avoids them, Gwen is the Angel who walks in a few times a week and as long as they live there, it is a familiar face. Familiar is part of family. I miss some of those who have dropped off the forum, but I hope they have found a bit of happiness. That is what we all need, just a tiny bit of happiness. I'm going to keep telling myself that the forgetting, the lack of concentration, and all the little things are parts of grief...........and not age. If Billy was with me I would not be old.

Gwen, I think of you a lot of times. Billy and I worked 80 years together total. I think about the ants scurrying along planning for the winter and the grasshopper wondering why they were working so hard. Now when it has come to the end of times, Billy and I had/have a good retirement but when it is divided up 4-5 ways, at the end of the month I am scurrying to make ends meet. Then I think about the man who cried because he had no shoes until he met the man with no feet. And Gwen, I wish I could share my good fortune with you though it is not monetary. I do have family and friends that are around constantly. I felt so bad the other day, I was fussing in my mind "when do I get ME time" and I feel so selfish thinking that. My daughter just came in with a T.J. Maxx bag full of clothes she washed and dried for me. My granddaughter is the light of my life, and my son is close again. He lives across the hall from his sister, has a key and helps himself to food she has fixed. Sometimes she fixes it for him, sometimes she fusses (to me.) He comes in and takes out the trash. So much I still have to do and hope I live long enough to finish. Sometimes I think God left me here for a reason, I am not a complete person yet. I used to be loving, but I find myself having a cold heart and that cannot be me, I never had a cold heart. I was mischievous sometimes but not this cold feeling to my existence. I even forget to tell people "thank you" and "I love you" and I feel so guilty. And, I feel guilty because I should count my blessings that I have all those people needing me, it makes me seem like I might have a reason to live. I wish that for all of you too. I do know Gwen, all those years of volunteering, you most likely have dozens of people who have no one but you and to someone like that, that makes you indispensable as well. My 💗 is still with you and all the rest and I hope your health improves so much this next year. All of you.

I know screaming into a pillow didn't help. Head hurt big time, so I quit. Another "momism" was she said you couldn't cry over spilled milk. Guess we will never get the milk back in the bottle, but you do spend a lot of time cleaning up the spill.. When it comes right down to it, nothing really helps. I seldom remember dreams, one was so stupid I had to remember it, I had a job cutting clutch purses in three even pieces. Never dream where Billy is in them till this morning and I am still angry even though it was not real, and I know it. like I said, very seldom remember the dream. Now, I will have to forget this one. Sometimes we have too much put on us, sometimes not enough.

About like everyone else, not sure of anything. Need some "me" time but see everyone with "me" time and not sure "me" is what I want. Just same old, same old.

Sometimes I write my word salads, go back and read them and just delete. My feelings sometimes are like anesthesia, not asleep, but no feeling, just automatic movement, no thinking. My heart is with all that are suffering. I've lived too long, seen too much.

Gwen, I am having to have physical therapy on my left knee to keep from having an arthroscopy. Pain pills will kill me. The man physical therapist is so gentle with me but he puts me through the motions and I did learn I cannot use the elliptical anymore. Can use the sit down bicycle. My favorite. The girl PT today was not so easy on me. Brianna said "Mamol I have not heard you bitch so much about hurting in my life." Well............that's all I can do is bitch about it. Then I went to our annual class Christmas party Saturday and they took my picture talking to one of my long ago friends weighing at least 90 pounds. OMGosh. I really don't look at myself. I had hog jowls. I didn't know that. If Billy was here I would not have gained it, even with this stupid diet, and also I would not have so much weight on my short legs with my big behind. I keep thinking about Eleanor Roosevelt talking about looking fear in the face and I wonder just how many times we have had to do that and always before it was everyday things and now it is just full on "fear in the face." But we keep doing it. Hang in there girl, we got this.

Kevin, you give new meaning (in a good way) to the "moving on" words. Think you must be closer to grown kids, but sounds like you are almost in the tundra. Can you see Siberia anywhere close? Stay warm. Good luck. My granddaughter (19) and I go to the movies in the "big city" often. I'm really into the old Marvel and D/C characters, though the comic books were so tame.. She was so impressed I knew who "Shazam" was. Used to trade comic books with neighborhood kids back before TV.

I have the huge expandable "important" paper boxes, 3-4 of them sitting in the bathroom closet. I have not had to open them in years and years. It has been three years since Billy "left" and those boxes scare me. I have no idea why. Am I the only one who hates mail (unless it has money in it)? That is 54 years of papers, old mail, unnecessary junk. I am an eccentric person.

I'm going to take what I wrote down. This is about Grief in the first degree. I should have paid more attention. I'm sorry. I think that is the most pain I have ever been in. No physical pain, and I've had ruptured colon with sepsis from the most radiation a person can safely have for cancer. None of that pain compares to the mental anguish of losing your mate.

So have we all been, so still we are sometimes, many times, too often. Nothing I can say to help, nothing any of us can say except keep reading, keep coming back. I found this place three days after Billy left. I cannot go through all the things I planned, all the things I just wanted to be gone also. I'm not saying this right. Some times I get on a tear and will fill up a whole page. Please know you are among people that have felt and sometimes still feel what you are feeling. I've mentioned "him" before, but often I see a man sitting by his wife's grave in his lawn chair. In summer he brings an umbrella to ward off the sun. He was married 61 years. I just hugged him and told him I understood, and I will not stop again. This is his time with his wife, and if I try to talk to him I might interrupt something he has grown accustomed to. I'm getting too wordy. Please come back and read, and let your own feelings come out. We-do-understand.

Yes they will "get it" in some shape, form or fashion. It is like my neighbor Shirley. She and her husband live here. They want to go back to Texas as they need help from relatives. He is big and can hardly get around. He is not fat, he just seems he would have made a good linebacker in the pro's. She is tiny and has a heart defect. Between the two of them they need in assisted living, but not sure the money will let them. The ambulance has been out a few times for her and her heart and then on top of that she got neck cancer, up into her jawbone. She is such a little fighter. She had the treatments for the cancer and right before Thanksgiving had the scan for the cancer. Of course she had to wait until after Thanksgiving for the results. But, I heard her talking to another neighbor and had to join in. Scans were cancer free. Of course she has some malfunctions from the radiation that are permanent. She said she could live with them. And, she manages with a sick husband most of the time. I was told the man who sits at his wife's grave in a lawn chair, in the summertime he brings an umbrella. I certainly would never try talking again with those that "don't get it." In fact, right now for the holidays, even before he lost his dad, my son has that black dog of depression sitting right in his lap 24/7, and I'm worried. I mourned my dad, but he was never the dad Billy was. Billy was pure love. All those people that don't "get it," unfortunately eventually they will. I think I have become cynical. It is hard to find something that does not say "happy" on it. I sincerely hope you have a pain-free birthday Gwen.

Sorry Gin. We had a full church but I left home rather abruptly after my mom and I got into it and moved the date and location, still the small country town church, my home church was full. We just did not take pictures, but I remember even shaking so hard at 18 I could hardly read my name. It was the occasion, not the congenital tremor. Also my old pastor and we told him all we wanted to say was "I do" so he read all the rest. I'm not sure Billy's dad came. We never made big "to-do's" of occasion, just cards and gifts. I'm glad now that we did not pick out something special to do.

Thank you Katie-girl. I hope you all can have a good Thanksgiving. We learn to use words we would not ordinarily use. We love you. I always sign my cards the way I always signed them. Billy liked to have his name first. He had a big ego, and I loved him for that too.

Well said Gwen.

Amy,, I am not qualified to give any official advice. I can only empathize with your feelings. Billy left October 17, 2015. My reaction, plan was to follow him with the idea that our kids and grandkids already were faced with losing him so if I went along with him, it would get all the sorrow over at once. I had it planned out where I would not be found till lots later (those Arkansas national forest roads are dark, long, and deep.) Of course, to someone who is not thinking right, this sounded sensible.......but wait, I have a mustard seed amount of faith, what if I didn't go with him. I hesitated and my kids found out what my plans were and on top of the grief I suffered terrible anger from them that I would do that to them. But, I was thinking only of myself being unable to live without him. There were those times that I would cry until there was no breath left and it seemed so easy to just not breathe. I wanted that peace, the kind you want right now, but you have people you are responsible to, we actually cannot be that selfish. It has not been easy. We had 54 years together. I was him, he was me. Take away one and you took both of us. I have spent three years now thinking that it will soon be my time. In the meantime, I have to live. I went to physical therapy today to get my "WD40" that this old tin man has not had in three years waiting to follow Billy. I will tell you this, this past spring was the first time since he left that I noticed the fluorescent greens of new trees, the tulip trees, the daffodils. I could not even acknowledge the changing of the seasons and still have not put on makeup. I probably won't do that even though a little red paint helps any old barn. Take your time. Your going to grieve. If you are cut deep enough, you bleed. Eventually, most times, that wound will scar over, but it will always be there. Sometimes in the future, you will even laugh again. And, you will feel guilty. Then it will happen again. I cannot promise you happiness ever again like you had, but I promise (unless you allow it, like I intended to do), you will learn to live with it. How you handle that depends on how you allow yourself to live and live for your children. Even when they are grown they will be very hurt if they even think you would leave them. People say "keep busy" like that is going to help.. One night you will look up at the moon and you will talk to your husband and you will feel like he heard you.. The surprising thing will be you saw the moon. You are still living. Keep reading. Various amounts of time and various losses. The heat of the flames is bad enough, some of our members walked on the bare coals. But that is why we all are here. You open your heart. You do not have to be brave. I found this forum three days after Billy left me, I have to believe he helped me.

My mother was never in the nursing home. No one in my family has been, but my daughter was the head nurse/main nurse/whatever you call it at two and one assisted living. We took my mom, when she was only in her 60's probably to visit a patient that Kelli was checking on in the NH that she worked. One of the patients walked up to Mama and she turned around and ran to the car. She was that afraid of them. Now, I never have been afraid of them. I know there are Angels like you that visit and keep people company. But, with your experience, this friend has had a stroke, he is not on life support, he is just "not with us" somehow. My friend and her friend walk a couple of miles for exercise (we are all the same age) and then she goes and sits with him till 5:00 pm and then she goes home. This has been going on for months. When I was there he was not hooked to any machines. So, not only do you volunteer at the nursing home, you also had to experience the worse part, having your loved one a patient, at the nursing home. My friend, another classmate, was a secret night wine drinker. She kept falling, went to a walker, and this had been an active person. I knew about the drinking but did not realize finally her sons would put her in the nursing home. I deluded myself into thinking just a little wine was not bad. My sister just got her six month chip (I think they are called) and I had no idea this had been going on, again, since 2003. No blame from me. My friend was just staring at the wall when I went to see her last, in bed, blank wall. I am not a good friend or I would visit her often. She has grandchildren that she loved so much, they are grown and have families of their own, she has two sons, they are involved with the grandkids. But, I don't have to tell you this, you are the Angel who substitutes for bad family and friends. Thank you for being that person Gwen. You remember the forgotten. 💟