Margm

One of my classmates has cancer and the prognosis is not great. I have not talked to him in 58 years. We were just classmates. We have someone in our class that lets us know when a classmate is ill. I wrote him an email telling him what I had gone through and I'm still here and talked about Jimmy Carter, so sometimes people can beat these things. He was more my cousin's friend (that we lost to cancer a few years ago), so I thought after 58 years I better identify myself. First off, he told me he remembered me and my freckles very well. He said a few more things about his treatment, prayers, miracles, faith, and then when he signed it, he signed it with his name "I love you.....Billy" and I burst out crying. Of course he cannot help it if his name is Billy also. Gwen, I hid the month of October on the calendar and changed it from September to November this week. It did not get rid of October. We do what we can. My heart is with you.💗

Ah, the teeth quandary. I had full uppers at 19. My teeth were evil, tortuous things that kept me up nights as a child until they were cut out, could not be pulled. They all had some sort of tumor growing that ate the roots. Was not in medical transcription at the time and still have never heard of this. Oral surgery had to be used for everything. Then, over 50 years later a small remnant of bone not scraped, or remnant of tooth came to life and caused an infection that made my neck swell so with fluid it was a horrid mess to drain. Surgery was performed by ENT to remove this but the drainage of the mass under my neck was like a huge tumor had grown between my chin and my cricoid bone. Then surgery was performed and I went for my last checkup the week after Billy left me. What they still offer me (oral surgeons) is implants totaling up to near $10,000 with no guarantee certainly and medications to keep from having infections from the implants that would kill me. Knowing this, they still insist that this is what I need. My lower jaw does not ever fit with dentures so I glue them in with Fixodent. I am not worried about my looks, but I do worry about me and antibiotics. Sometimes doctors do not listen to the patient. Really, really, really...............sometimes it is about the money. My ENT doc felt there might still be a remnant of tooth/bone left after surgery so I go back to oral surgeon who says he does not see it, but he will put in implants. After me refusing twice before. They cannot guarantee any of the expensive tooth saver techniques, and as you have said, the expensive stuff failed. It is your business, your money, your life, your looks, if the fit is for you, do it. The fit is not for me.

I have a giant bear that the kids got me soon after Billy left. Does not resemble him, won't talk back, but he is soft and furry, Billy was all angular and not furry. I don't cuddle with it.

At 76-now, with a mom having had Alzheimer's, I do get anxiety for another of those nanoseconds. When Billy was here we were ageless. He was not old. In fact, he would get out of sorts if you mentioned getting old to him. Well, he does not have to worry about that now, but when he left I immediately became old, decrepit, mean, just plain ancient. But, if he was here I would not be.......even if the years tell another story.

Joyce, I don't know how we can keep from hurting. Sometimes I am sure I am going crazy because 54 years of familiarity make it where I can still imagine I hear him move around for just a nanosecond and then I get back in my body. I realize there is a hollow feeling and an emptiness that will stay that way, nothing we can do. I do stupid things like leaving September on the calendar and yesterday I turned it to November. There was no October this year. My feet hit the floor as soon as my brain realizes it is time to get up, and still sometimes after three years, I feel him on the other side of the bed, just another nanosecond. I three finger kiss his picture that smiles at me, but he had such wonderful high cheekbones and sweet soft hands. He would scold me, "a man does not have sweet soft hands" but Billy did. And, that is enough said. Happy Anniversary anyhow.. Why do we put "happy" in front of things?

You should not be treated like this as an employee for sure, but a volunteer? Suppose all the volunteers stayed away and the aides and nurses had to do all the work that the volunteers do for one week, then see who complains, see which head is on the chopping block. Library, anonymous letter to office and corporate.

I knew who it was and I think that should be the heading of the anonymous letter you go to the library and send it through the office email, and also corporate email addressed to "the bitch" whatever her name is. Actually, as many hours as you have logged in at that place they should have a plaque for "head volunteer" and an office and all the business comes down through you and bypasses "the bitch." What you do is donating your time, what she does is dictate, and you should not be able to dictate to precious volunteers or you will have to pay money for someone to take their place.

Oh heck Gwen, if I stopped being a bitch then all the fun would go out of my life. My sister just called, to hell with this rehab no cigarette stuff, she has to have a cigarette now. I was going to get her but my daughter has already gone. Really, if I have to quit being a bitch I have got to learn to be someone else. I hear echoes of that damn Indian doctor telling me "You've got to learn to love yourself." Times up. Pay over 100 dollars for less than 15 minutes. People like him make bitches out of me. (My daughter went to get my sister, told her she was grouchy, and she is now smoking her cigarette telling Kelli she is about to have her sweet aunt again. Lawdy.

Kay, I had high fever and a house full of Billy, Brianna, Kelli, and Scott all begging me to go to the ER. I had just visited my care provider that afternoon and I told them "No, it is the week end and they will have doctors from other hospitals filling in and I'm not going till Monday morning." The next thing I remember is seeing two little girls sitting on the steps of the ambulance, they stayed there. They were twins probably five years old. I remember white blouses and blue and white checked pinafores, both had dark hair. I remember asking for them on the gurney being taken into the ER. No one saw them ever, but me. If Billy had not called the ambulance (like I should have for him), I would be dead. If I had not passed out, I would be dead. Life sure plays crazy jokes on us.

I didn't know there was an age that separated you from the pneumonia shot but being 76, I think I am old enough to take anything. Just never had the pneumonia shot.

When I get out of my driveway for the apartments I enter highway 159. That takes me anywhere that I want to visit, which is nowhere, which is where all the roads go. One takes us to Haynesville (named after a GGGgrandfather) who had people move around him and moved his family six months later. Still named for him. Small, small town but I got lost in it trying to go to El Dorado, AR. Straight up the road from me is a little rock church called Old Shongaloo Methodist Church, which is where all my dad's kinfolks are buried and our plot is right behind Mama and Daddy's. Just a little country road. (paved.) I used to go to graveyard "workings" when I was a little kid with my grandma and aunts. Dinner on the boards nailed to the trees. Then we would go to Western Cemetery where the rest of the kinfolks were buried. Now someone is hired to do all the cleanings and I guess for a cemetery they are pretty. Billy is just gonna have to be satisfied being around my folks. His fault My kids both sleep days. Kelli was going to Walgreen's for Tylenol for high temperature. She stopped Bob (her little yellow car named after Bob the Minyon). She was taking a picture of the Methodist Church steeple on main street. It was lit up and she thought God had decided to make beautiful lights turning the bushes purple. It was the police. We sent the picture to them and they put it on their site and the pastor made a copy too. Our little town (about 11,000) people has red brick streets for the two main streets. Old. Look up Minden, Louisiana on Wikipedia, and yes, that was kinfolks. And, I think that was why Mama told me not to do genealogy. I told Brianna my first "crush" was on my 4th cousin and she was horrified. Incest. I was 14 and he ran every time I came around. I wasn't gonna bother him but my uncles teased him miserably. You put me to shame. One of my best friends is in the nursing home only about 30 miles away in my old hometown. The last time I went to see her she was covered up in bed, looking at a blank wall. She likes fig Newtons. I have to make time to go. My sister does not have a car and Bri won't learn to drive. (This is mine and Billy's first married and for years home), and he was from three miles down the road in a little town that still had toilets in downtown 50 years ago. I go to Shreveport/Bossier once a week to take Bri to counselor. I can do it. We ride all up and down the busiest streets, but I sure like being a country gal. And Bri wants to live in NYC.

My kids and Brianna get so angry at me about "spoilers" so I don't give them to them. Sorry if I ruined anyone's plans. If you know anything about these movies though, they all end the same. I liked your word salad the best Gwen because........................when you cannot find anyone else to talk to, here we are. Love you my friend and hope things get easier. I wish you could find country roads up around Seattle, but guess you'd have to go to Wyoming or Montana to do that. You too Gin, in Chicago. I once bought a set of DVD's from Sam's visiting all the countries I wanted to go to. Netflix has a lot of documentaries that take you places too. I don't travel much without Billy.. Sometimes a trip will make me feel lots better (50 mile radius) and sometimes I will cry like a baby. Never can tell. Oh, and my sister's therapist is having her quit smoking so I only go around when I have to. Hey, I've traveled that road too many times with Billy.

Gwen, can you go to the public library and write something similar to what you wrote and send it to her email anonymously ? Might make her meaner though.

Cookie, I went to the movie prepared. I, of course, knew how it ended (this is at least the 3rd remake of the original). Did not stop my crying. I just kept paper towels from one eye to the other. My granddaughter was using her sleeves. I would see one arm go up and then the other constantly. I will not watch a movie if I know ahead of time that it is sad. Spoilers here, the leading man takes his life in all the movies to keep from ruining the reputation of his wife's new singing career, to keep from bringing her down. James Mason walks out into the Pacific Ocean to save his wife's career (Judy Garland). I think Kris has a car "accident" to save Barbra Streisand's career. Norman Main was one character, this must have been his relative Jackson Main. I would not have gone except it was Lukas Nelson (Willie's son, of course) and his band Promise of the Real's big break. He and Lady Gaga collaborated on the music and I knew his band backed Jackson Main up on stage. I was hoping to see him, and I did. I think I was totally fortified before I went in, so nothing was a surprise, but was still worthy a long cry. Gwen and Cookie, I sure do not have any answers to this empty hollow feeling we all have. My granddaughter lives with me, my son is moving back at the beginning of November. He is so depressed and alone and does not understand why his relationship broke up. I am not kidding, and this would hurt his feelings, but he knew this girl had the personality of a bitter weed, and that old saying about having to hang a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play with her is my best description of her. Her own folks hate her coming around and she really has been fired from every job she has ever had. He broke up with her, and it hurts him and he cannot understand why she has no feelings at all. Enough of that. I guess these things have kept my mind busy although sometimes I think my body is throwing the hat in the ring. My body cannot be fixed and I just do not want to be a burden to them at all. That is my biggest concern. This "small" illness scared me so much and my desire to sleep all the time scares me. I am like the tinman in the Wizard of Oz, and I know I need exercise to keep moving, but even with my family around, it seems my will to live has to be fought for and I think we all feel that way. (I want to see my granddaughter and kids have good relationships). I admire the ones on the forum who are open to another relationship, but at my age, I just cannot muster that kind of thinking. Do not want to even try. And, that is the gist of it all "do not want to even try." Covers everything pertaining to life. But, if that is true then why do I even consider the pneumonia shots? Life and living is a conundrum. Sorry, just felt like a "word salad" kind of day.

They did not do blood work first and I am always suspicious of antibiotics. They wreck havoc on my already injured colon. Going to have to request IV or shots from now on. I hope you are feeling lots better. Your getting out and trying to volunteer again. That deserves thanks from a company that runs and owns the nursing home, not stress. I'm very proud of you. For some reason all i want to do is sleep and I hate sleeping more than usual. Hugs to you all.

My dad always felt it was important to remember dates signifying something in his and my mom's marriage. Usually flowers, which she complained, just died. One time a blouse, (Mama sewed all her clothes) and she asked him how much he paid. He told her and she said she could make it for 75 cents. He never quit though. Billy remembered, but he would have his sister pick it out or my daughter, as she got older. The sentiment, somehow, was not the same if someone else picked out a card. My daughter married and this man was the same way Billy acted. He could see it meant a lot to my daughter and somehow, he decided he would do the remembering. He did, but by this time I had come to the understanding he was so good in so many ways, this one thing did not matter. He certainly was a more loving father to his kids and grandkids than my dad had been and you learned to appreciate subtle differences. I appreciated them and of course, like all of you, I miss them. It somehow makes those days not that important anymore, now just every day is as important as the last one. Gwen, my colon decided it could not handle Bactrim. Personally, I am doing okay.. I'm wondering about the Pneumovax for pneumonia. I will wait awhile, but I am not thinking now that I am untouchable; and I don't want pneumonia.

So Kevin, I am not very smart about Canada locations (Louisiana confounds me sometimes), but are you moving away from that picture that you put up there, the autumn picture? Seven hundred miles would take me from here to New Mexico headed west and probably out into the Atlantic headed east. Are you going to have mountains? I know your going to have a golf course. Good luck with your move Kevin and I hope you are as happy as you can be.

You tell yourself it is just another day like yesterday, like tomorrow, like last Sunday. And it is, we know that, they all are the same, as my grandma said after 18 years, it was like it happened yesterday. Thanks Gwen, needed that hug. 💗💗💗

I started out this 3rd anniversary in the doc's office with acute mucopurulent bronchitis. I could have left that mucopurulent off, but it just seems to make it more important. Shot of Rocephin and bottle of Tussionex along with Bactrim. If Billy had been here, I would have taken myself to doctor, I did that lots of times, but he always had to have me go with him, and go in the office with him. So, I will honor him with a picture before the beard, (actually, I think he had just started growing it) a picture when we were a family, harried often, but that was a family one time. I miss him. The top part of the picture is of Kelli's bed or pillow, guess she took a picture of a picture. It wasn't my picture, it was her's. She posted it and a lot more this morning because it had been three years today. My kids still hurt too, of course, always will. Strange though, I loved my mom and dad and they were individuals in their own self, but I never left my kids with them much. Not because I worried about my kids bothering them, they just were not loving grandparents, or parents. Sometimes this happens. Billy's folks were so loving and loved to have them stay with them, but Kelli never got to know Billy's dad.. They were already old when they were babies.

Is this where you are leaving, or is this part of the country you are moving to? Where is this? It is beautiful. My son got his apartment down here. He will be moving next month. (Get this, it is right across the hall from his sister). I hope you enjoy your new place Kevin. This picture is so beautiful.

Gwen, without losing Billy I would not be here either. I have really learned that I am blessed and it is too early for my family to grieve again. Yesterday there was a solid blue sky and I missed Billy. Today the whole sky is covered with clouds and I jabbered the whole time I was out in it. Now, my favorite thing is probably something you that live in the city cannot do. I traverse the country roads, unless I have to be there fast, then it is interstate. I hate interstate and your big cities make our interstate look like country roads. Keep on keeping on my friend and I sure hope you are feeling better physically.

I have loved Canada since Margaret Craven's book and movie "I Heard an Owl Call My Name" and have wished to go to the part where I could see the northern lights. Like in other places though, traveling will never be in my plans again. Those were mine and Billy's plans. But, I travel good in a 40-50 mile radius. I am reading a series of books now that make me want to go to an island in the Baltic Sea I have never heard of called Gotland. Kevin, send us pictures so we can travel vicariously through your move. Good luck, and I hope the move helps your grief as much as it helped mine. It does not always work that way for people because we are all different. I cannot stand to go back to the beautiful country I left because it is no longer beautiful. Strange, it took four eyes to really enjoy it. Anyhow, it sounds like an adventure, although I know it is arduous.

Mine also Katie-girl. 💗💗💗

Kay, my son visits often. He is trying to find a place to move here. Every time he leaves I feel like a piece of Billy has gone again. Mannerisms are the same. He has my round face and my tendency to gain weight. He is Billy's son otherwise. I'm anxious for him to move. I know he still carries love for his 11 year relationship, she did him wrong though (she tried to), his best friend held off telling him or showing him the texts she had sent him until they broke up. She reminds me of the Tasmanian Devil though and he will die just having to put up with her schizophrenic attitude. No words between them for months, hoping to get him down here fast. I know he wants to leave AR, but he hates filling out papers (so do I).

Well Gwen, this is too much information, but my daughter lives closer to the school than I do and I had to go use her bathroom.