Margm

They say you see your loved one everywhere after they pass (don't know who "they" happen to be). I have not done this. This morning a man walked into the school and I absolutely could not breathe. He nodded his head to me hello. I was totally stunned. Next week it will be three years. This guy had more weight on him than Billy but he had his slump,, his height, his pigeon toed walk and I think my heart or brain just stood still. He passed back by me on his way out and he had Billy's beard, color hair, but not Billy's long face. I have not had this happen before. He was younger than Billy probably by a few years. It was very strange. No crying, just shock.

I mentioned a friend who became a widow about 2000. She had more anger than any other emotion. I know that was her hurting. She has been married now about 15 years to a man who has been sick the whole 15 years and it has always been life or death situations. We have been friends since we were 15, very close friends, our kids, their kids. Her first husband went to school with Billy, we got them together. She got her now husband out of about 2-1/2 months rehab and he is a tough ole fellow. Cannot get around but very little. He was worried about leaving her and she has always said he treated her like a queen. She is a tough lil ole gal herself. She told him "God knows he does not want to make me a widow again." I admire her strength.

Kevin, RVing was our life (and family) and knew we would drive a couple of hundred miles a day, sleep over, then drive again. (During my trip to Arkansas recently), somehow I kept my mind blank/inactive except for the road but I slept 11 hours that night. I'm sorry your not feeling good about leaving. We all have such mixed feelings. I know this is not true, but I let October and Arkansas take the brunt of my anger for taking Billy away. You are braver than I am though. I still have no idea what is in all the boxes. I know winter coats are in one of them. I've not had to look for anything, not going to look for anything. Stubborn. Good luck with your move. Hope it goes smoothly and you will be happy where ever your moving to.

Gwen, my sister lost her car so we take her where she needs to go. Cigarettes cost so much money but she has to budget that money out of nothing. I can hear the anxiety in her voice when she says "Moggie, I am down to one pack." She needs to go and get her sack of them because they are cheaper in loose packs than in cartons. I feel so sorry for her, but we did not know she had started back drinking in 2003. I did not know it until she lost her car. I take her to one AA meeting a week and maybe it is a blessing her car is gone because she cannot go buy the liquor. So she doesn't, and only stayed in rehab a short time. The first trip around she went to AA every day. She got her 5 month chip Monday night. I think that is what you call it. Was i disappointed she had taken up drinking after being sober about 12 years? No, I wasn't. I left home at 18, to get away from my mom. If I had been down here in this state taking care of her, I would have died the first week. But, to save my life I would have put her in a nursing home. My sister could not. My mom was a warrior woman and had a tongue with knives on both sides. After she broke her hip she reached up (I was helping her) and knocked the heck out of me. I've never been ashamed of this, but I slapped her right back. She never did it again. I know she tried to physically abuse my sister, mentally, verbally, and probably with her fists if necessary. Was I disappointed in my sister starting drinking again? Not at all. I hated for her to go through rehab again and don't mind taking her anywhere. At least she cannot go buy alcohol. So it makes it necessary to quit. She has a job waiting for her when she can get a car. I feel your pain, feel it close to home. My heart is with you. Not sure my sister needs a car right now. A few more months. But, like your volunteering, we all need something and she needs to be back teaching the college students.

Gwen, please tell me you have your Xanax. I do not smoke but I know it is horrible to quit. They have my sister down to one an hour. They work things into cigarettes that make it near impossible to quit. Even ammonia. (Although I don't know what that would do), but having a husband who quit (but went straight to his ultimate weapon, oral tobacco), he could never quit. Being by yourself is extra hard. Sometimes I act like I know how things feel when I have no idea, and cigarettes, I have no idea except my sis and my mate. But, I do know quitting amphetamines cold turkey. You know they had to put me away. My heart is with you my friend, but I've learned, I cannot speak for another person. But we are here, and that does not help you at all, just grown to care for you my friend.

Tom, I am going to edit my answer. Sorry, I had just driven over 300 miles back to the land I lost Billy in and I was tired and really in a terrible mood. Of course I don't know your situation. It is silly in me to try. I did have psychotherapy/analysis for 15 years trying to get a grip on who I was, and I sure do not understand other people, especially situations I have no business talking about. You and your therapist know you. I'm sorry if there was any hurt. I have a 56-year-old son that his first wife ran around on him. He found this pretty young girl and her dad and uncle both are schizophrenics. He put up with some wild and crazy antics, but for 11 years he was so true to her because he knew she would never run around on him. Then she did. So, he is heartbroken and all his friends and family are heartbroken, because he is. We are all happy though because we knew who she was. But, heartbreak is nothing we want for our friends, ourselves, or our relatives.

Y'all, I went back to the house we lived in. No feelings toward the house but I became aware of one thing of grief that I knew, unconsciously knew. My neighbor (former) that lost her husband two months after Billy left, they were friends, we were all the same age, give one year either way. They were high school sweethearts, grew up there, all kin live around and near. She had a new single wide trailer moved into a part of land close to the house. That house got too big also. I knew that feeling. If that had been home, I had five more city lots I could have put a single wide trailer with a front porch, but it still would not have been home. People get angry when you repeat what Thomas Wolfe said "You Can't Go Home Again" and you can't because home was your mate. I moved back "home" and will have my family all close, but when you lose your mate so late in life (or anytime) you don't make plans. One thing I admired about my dad, his cancer was terminal and he was buying plans for a log cabin to be built on my mom's land. Mama let him plan, of course. I wish I could see my children and grandchildren happy and settled in a relationship. That is my only "plan."

I think our other Florida member moved back up north somewhere, but Marty, guess you are in the path of this tropical depression that looks like it might gather in New Orleans also. Batten down the hatches, and I am sure you are an expert at meeting this head on. My thoughts and heart are with all the people this might cause trouble with. I'm sure we will get the clouds and rain, but I love clouds, just not angry ones. Thinking about you. 👀

Maybe your "lady" sensed this and women are very sensitive to men's feelings. I'm sure she is old enough to feel she cannot be able to fill the shoes of Susan. I don't know what went on, but from what you are telling, you really are not ready, but you are getting receptive to the next step. And that will happen. The long distance relationship was in your way the whole time and the lady knew you were not ready to leave your home, and I guess she knew she was not ready to leave her's. Give her credit for feeling the relationship had too many detours to make work. I still think of the little woman in the wheelchair looking up at me and saying "its not the same" and he heard her. I hated that. I hope they work out. My friend brought her husband home from 2-1/2 month stay at a rehab nursing home. He is helpless and afraid. She told him "God is not ready to make me another widow yet." and she met the first time with anger. My son went out with an old girlfriend of 20 years ago. They had a good time, but they can only be friends. His relationship of 11 years was doomed from day 1, but he hung on to something that could not work out for 11 years. His first wife had run around on him terribly, then married and took the kids 1000 or more miles away. Companionship is great, but find it when you are sure you are ready. The lady probably sensed you really were not. You will know and so will the next one. My son hurts like it was a death and he just lost his father. I'm sad for him, and you, but something better is waiting.

I read somewhere where someone said "really, you did not think it would be happily ever after, did you?" Well, I did not think of it as such. I am like that author (Wm. Saroyan) “Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case....... I thought maybe we could outrun it. Get in the RV and "it" could not find us if we went fast enough. “And they...LIVED! Life isn't always ‘Happily Ever After’, rather, loving FOREVER, regardless.” ― Carmen DeSousa, She Belongs To Me Even with the double cancer and the ruptured colon, I knew I would go first but I did not plan it, if it happened, it would just happen. Billy was too laid back, never got in a hurry, except to leave, and he did that pretty damn fast. But, we had a good run while it lasted. And, I am going to tempt fate, I am getting a poster of Jason Mamoa (Aquaman) and that is gonna PO Billy to no end, if he knows, if he cares, if he and Jesus just look at each other and say "what can you do with her?" (Brianna is getting it for me), and honestly, I don't think I can really hang it up, I feel terribly disloyal. Nah, don't think I can do it. (But I will go see the movie). I have hit that age that C.S. Lewis was talking about. "But some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. " I am enjoying the "Circle of Ceridwen" series by Octavia Randolph. It would be good if I could pronounce those Norse and Anglo-Saxon words, but I make up my own pronunciations. I kinda have a feeling that I need to read all I can, while I can.

I know it makes no sense but if a movie came out in 2015, or anything else, I won't watch it. October was our month. I have to go back up there Monday. I dread it. I do things that make no sense to other people. My friend lost her husband October 2nd, about 11-12 years ago. I mentioned getting rid of the month October and she said she loved the month October. I told her she was just a better Christian than I am. And, I am sure she is. She is a good person. Have to go back to what my grandma said after 18 years "it seems like yesterday." Sure miss that fellow.

Yeah, I went for the high class stuff, Mogan David, all of them.

Kay, I buy Billy a card, full of sentiment, on his birthday and our anniversary. And I place them beside his beautiful wooden urn that I cannot see because my daughter had one of our last pictures together, we are both laughing, she placed this before his urn. At night, I take three fingers, kiss them, and place them on his picture, which is in the hall bookcase next to my bedroom door. We were happy that day. We were at his sister's house in New Mexico. Brianna always said he was so serious looking, we finally got a smile out of him and I see it many times a day. That is who I talk to in the clouds. He kept his hair, his brother and our son lost theirs and I tried to get him to grow it out into a pony tail, even a short one, but he eventually would cut it. Cannot erase October, do not want to erase Billy, will never happen.

I decided I would only have 11 months in the year. Paid the bills on the 1st, now no more month. Now I have to drive back up there Monday. No, I do not want anyone with me that 175 miles up there or back. I will talk to Billy. I won't even play music. No wait.....A Star is Born CD comes out Friday, so I will probably play it and cry to it. No, we cannot have the liquor. But, I listen to them eating pistachio's, cans of mixed nuts and that and salads I miss terribly much. I cannot have sliced tomatoes and when Mama used to try to make me watch my weight as a tween, I would wash tomatoes and radishes at the outside hose and fill up. Favorite foods. Yet I have gained 30 pounds. Can have all the fried foods I want as long as they don't have seeds or any vegetable but green beans and cooked spinach. I manage anyhow. But I sure would just like to have a mixed greens salad, or a hamburger I could leave the raw onions, lettuce, tomato and pickles on. But I can eat, oh man can I eat. Just nothing fully healthy. I don't like this month either Gwen, and October was the month Billy would practice his photography. I have so many of his pictures of October on the other computer. I cannot bring myself to look at them. He took so long ordering just the right camera and lens from Amazon, so very long that he really didn't even get to use it. Kelli has a good photography business going though. He would be proud of that. He had good cameras, but always had to have better. I wish he could have enjoyed it.

Gwen, Karen, Dee..........the gorilla glue is only in the screw holes behind the seat. The seat goes up and down as normally. Now, gorilla glue sometimes spreads out and I do have ugly glue around the screw holes, but Lysol cleans it very nicely. I will admit, if the seat was plastic I would have had 6-7 by now. On the wall in front of my commode are six crosses, an angel and other stuff like that. (Now try to get this picture out of your minds.) 👀 😎

Billy never could keep me a commode seat to stay on. This is probably too much information. We kept our mailbox on for 10 years with gorilla glue and I put it in the screw section and my wooden seat has stayed still (even when I don't) for two years. Love my duct tape.

He is an exceptional son Kay, but you know that. Years (many) ago, Billy took some apparatus apart and put new rings in (and I have no idea what I am talking about) but in 1969, we left a smoke trail all the way across Texas from New Mexico. After that, he never touched a car again except to drive, or charge the battery. He could do just about anything if our life depended on it, but I guarantee you, it was much easier (on him) to let the professionals handle it. I know your proud of your son.

I left "home" for 20 years. I must have been Rip Van Winkle. I didn't age a day. Everyone else got old. "Oh the power the gifter gives us, to see ourselves as others see us." Or as Robert Burns said it “O wad some Power the giftie gie us, to see oursels as ithers see us!” Something is lost in the Scottish language. I adjust my hair, look straight at it, make sure my shirt is not sitting on my hips (oh how I hate that), gotta swing free, and my socks and sneakers are on. I think I would break my neck in a pair of flats. (At 76, who looks anyhow.). Especially when I am with a gorgeous 19-year-old Amerasian beauty. I'll stop now.

Of course I remember the song. And it reminds me of the old saying "If you find yourself in a hole, quit digging." I loved my fairy tales. Of course, a bear rode in the back seat of our big old Ford car when I stood between Mama and Daddy (no safety seats) back that many years ago. I am so happy my mama told me all the fairy tales of Hans Christian Andersen and the Grimm brothers. She told me some that had been passed down through the German side of her great grandmother's tales, and my ear was glued to the story on Saturday mornings before TV of the program "Lets Pretend." I am sure they made me afraid of wolves and bears, but the real monsters were not the flying dragons with fire for breath, the real monsters were humans, and they still are. “The monsters of our childhood do not fade away, neither are they ever wholly monstrous” John le Carré. Mama quoted me Shakespeare and the Bible so much that sometimes I still get them mixed up. I kept a mystical, magical, mythical imagination until I lost Billy and it suddenly disappeared and it was like living in a flat land desert without trees, rocks, roads, or anything left to the imagination. I have picked back up on some of that, hence talking to Billy in the clouds. In my mystical bruised brain, he seems closer, and without Mama's gift of imagination, I could not do that. She was a warped woman after something happened the first 10 years of my growing up. I don't know what it was. She did leave me with that gift though. Of course there is not a "happily ever after" and understanding that was not so hard, just very sad. But, I would have been just as sad if I had not been told the fairy tales. I appreciate C.S. Lewis, and to think, he lived while I was still young.

Some times grief and loneliness weighs us down. And, there are other times that we worry about all the grief, pain, illness, weights of the world on other members of our forum and you have to think "Well, I've made it nearly three years without Billy" and then I remember my grandma's statement that after 18 years, my grandfather's death seemed like yesterday. My girls are off in Sugarland, Tx for my granddaughter to see the concert of an Australian singing group called 5-SOS (or the long way "Five Seconds of Summer). They needed this time alone together and the trip down there (nearly five hours) went great. Now they are on their way home, and I worry. But all in all, other than the biggest loss of my life and missing him, and I talked to him in low lying gray clouds today. I guess I am in pretty good shape, for the shape I am in, and my heart goes out to the rest of you. I am reading my fairy tales, six series of books by Octavia Randolph starting with "Circle of Ceridwen" and it is about the dark ages, years between 800 and 900. The names are hard to say, but I just call them what I want to call them. I hope you all get some sleep tonight.

We didn't know that Billy's cancer had invaded and occluded his mesenteric arteries. I fixed two meals that sent him to the ER. After they put stents in his mesenteric arteries, the massive take over of his body by the cancer we never knew he had (and as usual, I have to say he was getting two physical exams a year and extensive blood tests for stents in his kidney arteries about 30 years before), and Billy just fell through the medical factories cracks), and he could not eat, was afraid to eat, or the shock of the whole situation too stunning, but he could not even drink Ensure. Something about cooking left me entirely paralyzed. I have bought frozen everything. I use the slow cooker sometimes, but facing fixing a meal like I used to do for Billy and family, I just cannot do anymore, do not want to, will not do it. I realize this is not true, but sometimes it feels like my cooking for him killed him.

When all I had for allergy was Benadryl, I would have leg cramps. But Billy "inherited" them from his dad. Don't know if that is possible, but he woke me up many times trying to fix his cramp in which ever leg. One time I woke up to him turning a perfect somersault in the bed and I remember thinking crazily "Damn, that would be a 10 in the Olympics" and the thought came just as crazily as his leg cramp drew him into that position. I'm sure he hit the floor, or wall. It happened often in 54 years. But that leg cramp, that moment in time I will never forget.

Gwen, I think we feel our relief from the fact that others are hurting bad and still find the strength to keep going, just like you do. We are stronger than we think we are. I think that has a ring of Winnie the Pooh to it.

Oh Gwen, I have gained 30 pounds and this 5 foot frame (used to be 5'2, eyes of blue), but guess the old bones somehow collapse. I do have to blame it on the hips though, they pull everything downward. I was very flippant but my legs are telling me I am not flippant, I am fat and gonna hurt myself if I don't quit. One thing (and a psychiatrist would have a fun time with me now), I did not want to get so fat, but in the back of my mind, (after typing all the cancer patients and how the diagnoses were evident at the weight loss), in the far reaches of this fat encrusted brain is the notion "the cancer has not returned" as long as I am gaining weight. Of course, my heart is saying, "you are short of breath because you are a fat bitch" and my heart is the most honest organ (other than the ruptured colon, and I guarantee you, that is the smartest organ and I will keep an open "mind" about it). No more three gallons ice cream. I need so bad to start trying to walk again like I used to do. Before I am unable. Thinking of you Gwen, and my heart is with you.

I know Karen. Just when things seem to be evening out. Just got word that she passed away a few minutes ago. She did not make it to her birthday, but as much pain as she was in, I doubt she cared. I'm sorry about your daughter and Billy and all the people this insidious disease has on all people. It respects no one, not the rich, the poor, the young or the old. And we are all the lesser for it.