Margm

Sounds like your beginning a "win-win" situation and being involved in Caleb's school and Ryan's growing up, watching all life around you gives you something to take your mind off of all the other things. Sometimes you will just want time for yourself and sometimes I found time for myself was not really a good thing, although that is what we are supposed to do. Sometimes our greatest aggravations are the things that help save us. You still have all our prayers and Katie-girl, you have my heart.

That's true. I'm afraid if Billy really answered I would definitely need more Xanax. He and I do okay with just me talking. Heck, my mom and dad were married 44 years before he passed away and Billy almost does more talking than my daddy got to while inside the house together. My daughter lived with her "Maw" while she was going to nursing school and she learned to listen for these three words "Isn't that right Kelli" and for Daddy it was "isn't that right Elvie" and it did make them ignore everything but perk up at "isn't that right" and their names. My mama talked non-stop whether anyone was there or not. That is why I prayed "Please Jesus, I don't want her sick or hurting but can't you just strike her mute for a few minutes." Now I talk to Jesus and switch over to Billy sometimes and you just know they look at each other and shrug and say "what can you do?"

Gin, to tell you the truth, after 54 years and he said "you are me and I am you" I have taken the prerogative of answering myself for him. Might be hard to follow the logic, but sometimes when I have some feelings about wanting to argue with someone, I can hear Billy telling me to "you know how they are, you are not going to change them, why waste your time fussing with them?" Also, I can hear him getting aggravated at me for worrying about something I can do nothing about. So, I talk, I answer for him. Works for me.

Dee, when I moved in here, I became acquaintances with a woman who had married the brother of a child my aunt had fostered for four years. It was in our tween years and we so missed her when she was gone. The only time my aunt tried to foster a child. It hurt too bad to lose her. My aunt was well off, her home was perfect and Linda had a wonderful life, but they took her away and let a Baptist pastor and his wife adopt her. Never will understand that. My aunt was a perfect person, constant Christian, and her husband too. But, in talking to this woman I found out her father-in-law had been someone Billy's family knew about and it is best not to tell how they knew. He always looked to me like "Mr. Mole" from the book "The Wind in the Willows." Of course, I wanted to run tell Billy. That time I think was the most "missing" part that I wanted to share with him. You see, I do talk to him all the time. He has not given me any sign that he hears me. My mama used to talk and no one would listen, she didn't care. I think it was part of her mental "makeup" which I won't define, don't understand it enough to define. But, I find Billy in the clouds. I just talk to them. I hate having a plain blue sky, I need my clouds.. I talk to him when the moon is out too, but somehow that makes me cry. Just riding down the road, I usually can find the clouds.. Sometimes I feel he is surrounding me with them. Now I am beginning to sound like Betty White on "The Golden Girls."

I think the topic "going through hell" is a good topic. I don't know if I have ever mentioned this, I wake up every morning thinking Billy is on the other side of me. In the same identical second I know that he is not. I cannot say that there is any feeling of any sort. I know he is not there, not gonna be there, but after 54 years the habit of thinking he is still there hangs in the air and then my feet hit the floor and my mind comes back to this world.

Me too Gwen, I am so fortunate. The bottom is grief, but I have lots of people needing my time. Sometimes I even am mean enough to begrudge things when I should be so happy I have them and if I could, I would divide them up with you. No Gwen, I'm sorry I said that, I could not live without their aggravation. I just wish you had more aggravation than pain. I have the pain. My sister says "you don't know, maybe now four years later they could have discovered something ." I am not gonna get naked on an MRI table or CT scan. All I can imagine is a cow being butchered and half of it lying naked on that table with people coming in and out. I was scared and horrified. Tubes hanging out places I don't even like to think about. I will walk out into the woods, the deep dark woods before I let them do me like that again. They would at least put a sheet on their mother. I just wish we could be there to stay with you.

Gwen, I am sitting here alone. When I am alone my mind seems to wander so I turned on Netflix. I have a wide range of likes on Netflix. Mostly like documentaries (which my granddaughter does not like at all. I gave my TV in the bedroom to my daughter, so I watch early morning shows in the living room. We were talking on one post about me keeping rolls of paper towels because I might just leak tears at any time. Anything sad, happy, icky, dramatic, and today I watched "Peter Rabbit" on Netflix which involves the rabbits in real life backgrounds. Of course it was beautiful. Of course I used my paper towels. Beauty brings tears also. They have a way of making animated movies now that look like live creatures and involves human actors (as voices) and also as characters. This is our old Peter Rabbit of old, draped out in beautiful real life. Beautiful ending. And my paper towel roll is fast going to be replaced. I think I have over active tear ducts. I think of my friend Glenda, my lively, beautiful, vivacious friend and now in the nursing home with the brain of too much liquor. My sister, a personal expert on this, said her brain would get better. They are treating it as Alzheimer's, possibly for Medicare to pay, but it tore my heart out to walk in and see her awake, laying on her side, staring at a blank wall. Then she brightened up, she knew me, which my other friend (her best friend) does not believe and wants to go with me. Perhaps it is not true and I just want her to know me. When I left she said "you know I could not forget that red hair" so she remembered me. I then went to see my aunt who was always as beautiful as Elizabeth Taylor, even prettier. She won't leave her house. She is down to 89 pounds, and I have to remind myself she is older than I am. I feel like an animated object that time just stood still, but I'm tired.

Warning: Bible speak here..... They called Billy's colon cancer also. It came on so fast and he left so fast, the most affected was his liver. Does not really matter. He is gone three years next month. I still feel him around me and there have been times earlier I could not feel him at all. Sometimes I feel him watching over my shoulder though. He just does not answer me when I talk to him. He said one of us had to stay. I guess I am the designated driver, in more ways than one. Not what I wanted. Luke 22:42 New International Version (NIV) 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” I still wanted to argue, but this time he did not let me have my way, neither God nor Billy. Still carry anger, but wear the mustard seed. Sometimes the tiredness wants to consume me, but I cannot let my granddaughter find me this way. This should not be what she remembers in her memory of me. The animal in me sometimes wants to crawl off in the deep woods. I should not be writing, not a good day. I've got to say, they are not all like this. Most days are chaotic and filled with activities. We need time alone to grieve.........that is what they tell us. I do not need time alone.........I think too much. I don't usually do this.

Polly, I am happy you had a job that was good enough to allow you the time off. I certainly hope your daughter adjusts as well as she seems to have. And, she seems a brave young woman, so she will bounce back. Thank you for letting us know her condition as it now stands. Walking with a cane alone seems like she has made giant strides. 💝

Gwen, I know nothing about oxygen tanks, etc. My son has to wear a CPAP at night for sleep apnea. I know he has had to have a lot of adjustments and it has been hard to get used to. They had a mask like an oxygen mask on him at first. Now, this new one is smaller and does not fit like a mask. So, what I am fixing to say does not come from someone who really knows much about these things. A woman was beside me in Walmart and she had a small package that looked like a purse sitting where the child seat was in the basket and pushing it around the store at a faster pace than I can. I would not have known it was oxygen except for the tube, which was hardly noticeable. I would wish you eventually could have one like this, if it is something that has to be. My dear Gwen, I have a roll of towel paper in my car, one by my bed, one by my chair in front of the TV. I take one to the movies with me. I'm not questioned. I like Viva, they are soft. I also have rolled up thrown away pieces everywhere. Honestly, I can cry at any time, usually do too. And Billy, damn I miss him so much, but I talk to him so much that he almost feels like he is with me. He just does not talk back to me. I feel he listens from somewhere though. I get rather angry at him sometimes for leaving me, I know he would have handled it much better than I do, and I know he loved me enough to take my place, but he just would not listen to me when I said he could not go. My heart is with you Gwen and I sure wish you had people all around you to help you. There is a show on Netflix that surprisingly I loved. A lot of people did so when it was canceled, they had to bring back us a couple of hours movie to finish it up. "Sense8" It is a Netflix original. Some people might not can handle it. A lot of it is X-rated and hard to understand if you don't pay attention. These eight people could be where any one of the eight needed help. And that part of the science fiction is the only part I wish was possible cause I know you would have help at all times. I would not advise the series to everyone. It really is more X-rated. Anyhow, wish we could be there for you. You are in my thoughts a lot.

Katie-girl, I cannot say you can shut the tears off like a faucet, you can't. I won't say you will feel better. You won't. But don't fear them. You have faced down your fears. Your my hero.

Katie-girl, I can in no way compare my grief to yours. You are so young to have had so much happen. I can tell you this. I have so much family that I had the nerve to gripe about it. Now, I realize that any persistent need for my attention is actually that much time I cannot take for myself. Now, don't get me wrong, we all need time for our grief, we all need our private time, and it might only be after your two little men go to sleep, then you have time for yourself. Sometimes I don't want time for myself because that is when I "think" and when I think, I grieve. I realize that is healthy, maybe not feeling healthy, but possibly necessary. I put my Billy-time in the sky, among the clouds, with the moon, when it is out. I stand on my steps of the apartment building and talk to Billy in the moon. Today, we have the remnants of some hurricane off the coast sending serious clouds up to us. Two gray white clouds were blowing against each other and of course I cried. We keep me paper towels everywhere I go because my eyes leak tears very often. Happy things, sad things, icky things, anything. My heart is with you my Katie-girl. Those two boys are gonna take a lot of attention. That is good.

Ana, I think we all miss someone when we don't hear from them and we all were on alert for you. Thank you for getting back in touch with us and please, I hope you have some family and friends with you. Please know we all care. 💗

Ana, you have not written anything else. Please do. I have had the storm clouds from Hurricane Gordon (or whatever his name is). I love clouds. Thanks Judy Colllins. "I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down and still somehow It's cloud's illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all" And I have been talking a blue streak to Billy every time I get in the car and sometimes I feel he is all around me. I don't know what it is with me and clouds, and the moon. They listen.

Something else I do. I keep his clothes hung up in the double closet, but I keep them mixed up with mine just so his clothes will be next to mine all the time. And, I saved all his Kindles and saved his books that were his favorites. Also left the Amazon account in his name. I read on Billy's Kindle #5, that is where all the books go to. The next will be Billy's #6. He loved to read. In his dreams I think he wanted to be Jeremiah Johnson.

A suitcase of clothes sounds so much easier to contain than the 15-17 big plastic boxes with tops I cannot unpack yet. Might never be able to.

My friend, her husband has been gone over 10 years. I asked her if she talked to her husband like he was with her. She looked at me like I was a "little off" and said "Your young in your grief." I knew what she meant. Actually, I am old, my grief is not quite three years old and my grandma said at 18 years it seemed like "yesterday" so I do not feel foolish in anything I do. Stay with us. Sometimes it is not just our grief that overwhelms us, it is the grief of others and we set back, can do nothing, and just wonder "why????"

My two grown middle aged kids are as lost without their dad, almost as I am, and they might even argue that. My granddaughter, he was the only daddy she ever knew and she was the love of his life. She stays with me now. Cannot ever fill that vacancy in all our lives.

Next month will be three years. I still sleep on a pillow stuffed with two pair of his pants and a shirt he wore all the time. Of course, I have five pillows scattered about. Sometimes I reach over on the seat in the car beside me, a seat he has never ridden in, and I reach for his sports pants covered skinny leg. I miss his soft sweet hands, the high cheek bones, the beautiful blue eyes, and I talk to the clouds. Strange, I only talk to the clouds. If it is a blue cloudless sky, I am speechless. Now, I do talk to the moon and each night I pray to Jesus and get it mixed up talking to Billy, and I know they just shrug, "what can you expect? It's Marg." So, it is okay with both of them. After 54 years together, he understands me. So does Jesus. I've been with him since a little girl. But, that is just me. Glad you found us. Most everyone makes more sense than I do. We just all still grieve in our own way.

My son works security three or four times a month at night for his apartment building in downtown Hot Springs. Last night the little woman who kept reporting people for stealing her food (they weren't), she came down with a flip phone and told Scott she could not fix the time and date. His patience has not been good since his breakup with long time girlfriend but he thought, if this was my mama, I would want someone to help her, so he tackled the old fashioned flip phone (like I use), and she was so thankful. Thing is, he is very computer savvy. He is also bipolar. Last night this 82 year old man said "Is your name Kelli" and they know Kelli (daughter) at her building, and it goes by how much money you get a month. She is on disability and the building is beautiful, washer and dryer furnished, and is kept up where there are flowers all around, the grounds are kept up beautifully, but like all apartments, they have people that have a hard time getting around. He (82-year-old) had been in a coma at the hospital last week, and he told Kelli he needed help getting to his apartment. She is going to ask the manager about helping him get a wheelchair next week. I do not wear makeup, I just sometimes am not thankful for being alive. Then I think about how my family needs me, and they do need me, and I have to fight to stay here to help my granddaughter, by beautiful granddaughter who is afraid of people but with the help of a counselor is making baby steps. She does not have the confidence to drive but I need to get her out on these country roads and teach her. The car drives itself, but she is now 19, and I have a reason to live until I can't. I miss Billy so much that sometimes I cry when alone and keep a roll of towels beside me cause I cry at commercials, crime and drama shows, animated movies. Any reason. I just thought. I do not resent the two elderly couples for still having their mate. I feel sorry for them for what one of them is facing, and soon. I guess I am still living because I have those that need me, and for that reason, I guess I need them. I'm not happy, I'm just the knot on the log., I ache for Senator McCain's widow.

Ana, I have been so down in my back lately I have to use a walking stick to stand up. My pelvic bones are honeycombed from the radiation so many years ago. The thing that "cured" me still hurts me in so many ways. My daughter cannot pay her car note but she comes and gets my clothes to wash and dry and takes my trash out which is so worth more to me because sometimes it hurts me to get around. I am so much older than you, I have had a wonderful, tumultuous sometimes, full life and you young ones, well, I have been given the fatal diagnoses twice and have somehow made it through them. Cannot take pain killers so I would walk off the pain in front of my house and Billy would watch me. Eventually, the cause of the pain ruptured and the pain and fever were miraculously gone. Well, the pain never left but would let up sometimes where I don't need a walker or assistance walking so I figure I am lucky. Please know that sometimes what we expect as the next fatal diagnosis is not always so. My heart is with you my young friend and yes, I am praying for the very best for you and hope you get wonderful medical care. It is lonely not having our mate with us. Billy always took care of me but only would let me take care of him five weeks, and I know he had to give up, but I didn't want him to. I am praying my friend. I know the fright of waiting for medical tests, the anxiety is terrible.

Gwen, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I hate it that we all have so many problems. Sometimes living in apartments seems like assisted living. No steps if we go to the back, about six steps in front. One of the "boys" left, moved in with his girlfriend and the people around me say she treats him terrible. He is so sweet, but does drink a lot. I was getting in my little car and saw two new people that moved in. They are my age, or older. She was on a walker (he was carrying, behind her. She pulled herself up the steps, it was such a halting operation I was afraid she was going to fall back on him. He is skinny, like my Billy was and I hope I am not as big as she is. I find that I don't like "leaving," and I mean anyone leaving me. I wonder why this is so hard. My little grandmother would say "I get so hungry to see you" and I just thought it was sweet. She lived to be in her 90's like all my female relatives. My son stayed about two weeks and it hurts him to leave as much as it hurts me for him to leave. He always lived with me and Billy. This morning my daughter was talking about her dad and I see the pain they all are suffering almost three years after he left. The new elderly couple in the next building, he brought in two bags at a time of groceries. I still line the bags up on each arm and take in lots more than I should. The effort it took both of them to get inside their apartment reminded me of the old saying about crying because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet. My next door neighbors are my age (around about) and he rides a scooter out back to get around to the front, but someone has to load and unload the scooter, so with the "boy" gone, he has to make it up the stairs like the woman in the next building. He is a large man, not so much "fluffy" as tall and big. He is gruff and loud. His little wife is fighting throat cancer with a brave temperament and has undergone radiation. I know not to ask questions. She is so courageous that I feel totally foolish complaining. But, both couples still have their mate. My daughter told me this morning that we would just have to tough it out until we see him again. My hardest time is mornings and that is mindless of me. Billy never got up until close to noon. He stayed up reading into the a.m. Now I do that and have to quit as I have to drive most mornings. Sorry, just musing, just another word salad. This is the day we found out Billy was so ill. He was not going to die, I was not going to let him.

I would not want Billy to have this grief pain, but I think he could handle things better than I do. I get mail in and don't want to look at it. It's not bills (well one was), but just stuff I don't want to go through. My son gave me a waterfall machine thing for my birthday so I could listen to the water and I don't want to put it together. Gave my daughter the big vacuum, got a smaller one. Gave my son the hand vac and bought me another. Have not used it yet, had it a couple of months. Don't seem to want to do anything but I do have family that needs things done for them or I might never leave the house.. And, I think of those that have it so much worse than I do, and I've lived my life, and I wish he had not gone first.

No words Katie-Girl, other than she is a beautiful Angel. My heart hurts. My prayers for your health and your family's.

I have a cell phone, a flip phone. I am not smart enough for a smart phone and my fingers shake, so using one of them is like trying to use a lap top. I bought a wonderful Dell lap top, keys are all almost on a smooth board, sometimes if you look closely (I catch them if they are red underlined), my shaking fingers will put two commas, two periods, etc. Cannot use a laptop, need old fashioned keyboard. They will advertise all these gadgets on TV that will do all these wondrous things, I order them, and honestly the Ninja mixer for health drinks is a keeper. All the others end up in Kelli's yard sales. Some I have bought twice and twice in yard sales. I cannot use the Ninja, cannot have the greens or anything with seeds, even after the Ninja has obliterated them, but for health drinks, it cannot be beat. I just opened something that was telling me I had to, from Microsoft or something important, Norton said at first it was safe and something piggybacking what was safe got installed also. I spent all morning trying to get rid of "gumdrop." I am so computer dumb, Norton and Lifelock are expensive, but the hospital I worked for in Albuquerque would not let us use anything but Norton and knowing the sensitivity of the reports, I figured they were the best ones to trust. I am computer illiterate.