Margm

Gwen, Cookie, everything I do is happenstance. I do not sit back and think out anything. I jump into the deep end forgetting I cannot swim. Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do one thing every day that scares you." And, I think of that often, because the first thing that scares me every day is getting out of bed. But, the fear of staying in bed and "thinking" scares me more than getting out of bed. I am afraid so often. Driving on Interstate-20 scares me so much. My little car is front wheel drive and any twitch of the steering-wheel might get me off the pavement and lose control of the car. I love country roads. When automobiles first came out, in the little hilly country roads of North Louisiana, my grandfather would ride the middle of the road and blow the horn all the way up it to make anything get out of his way. I want to do that too. My family, and Billy did too, fuss because I drive too close to the side of the right part of the road, and I do. My little car has a beeping if I get too close to center line or right side line. I shut that sucker off. It was very distracting. Now I drive in traffic all the time, heavy traffic (not Dallas) for sure, but still, I fear anything but the vacant country roads and know my driving days might be limited. I remember my sister having to take my mom's license. I'm just hoping and praying that I can hold on to reality until my granddaughter can find hers.

Gwen, I don't have any fur-kids, and I know I am a totally different human being from the majority of people, but living in an apartment is close to assisted living, I guess. I had no ties to a house. My mom did. Billy and I never were homesteaders, so I guess a fancy tent in a national park would be okay with me with plenty of butane for heat and electricity and a fan for summer. Now, I might miss my microwave. Potty chair......have to be comfortable. TMI. The point is, I need electricity to read, need a TV, but as long as I am safe (and now-days that is iffy anywhere). Right now the two chairs in my living room are camper chairs. I don't decorate. My daughter has hung pictures and I hang clocks. Refrigerator and microwave I think are allowed in assisted living. The thing is, my mom was a homesteader. She wanted her home. Me----I hate "homes." Don't know why I am that way. Just sent in my DNA, I suspect there must be some gypsy gene there somewhere, I know the Iberian Peninsula (which I never remember hearing of this place in geography). Something makes me different. Maybe 54 years of living with "Jeremiah Johnson" and liking the lifestyle. I definitely am not a homegirl, but yes, I am terribly country, small town person. I guess I live a life of contradictions. I am surrounded by kin. Just found out we have three more first cousins, all older men now. Surprise!!! (I remember my aunt breaking out the windows of my uncle's car, I now know why). Ancestry.com brings all kind of surprises. I kind of like the notoriety. Never been in trouble with law, respect them. Respect our veterans too. Don't want to sound like an outlaw, I fly under the radar. Actually not much flying, kinda stumble under it. Know the fur babies bring much love, but I seem to gather enough responsibility without them. Just get along the best I can and sometimes I get angry with Billy for leaving first. Damn selfish of him. (I know, I know).

Katie-girl, everyone on this forum wish they could be by your bedside right now just holding your hands. I did pray, and I wish my mustard seed faith would remove all your mountains.

With Brianna's school starting at 8:00, the alarm has to be set. I am awake off and on through the night just knowing it will go off. So, finally got up at 5:00 and put a roast in the slow cooker. Can you believe these folks give me the impression that I am still "mom" and need to cook. I hate cooking. Brianna does not drive and, of course, is afraid to. One "fright" I hope we can work on soon. Gwen, I hope you late to bed people, or early risers one, hope you all get some rest soon. My only cup of coffee is ready.

I used to be 5'2" and think I am 5 feet now after bones settling, anything I cannot reach with my arms or cannot see I don't worry about. Like Erma Bombeck said, it is only time to clean the coffee table if you can write your name in the dust. Mama didn't nickname me Moonbeam McSwine for nothing. One time the kids had a breaking out on their skin and back in those days they ruled out the first four diseases that would cause that and called it "the 5th disease." I just cried and cried that I had made my kids sick with the "filth" disease. I was never reported to the health department by anyone.

I've been here awhile. Just tell what comes to your heart. We all are hurting. Misery does not love company, but this company (forum) helps with the misery. I had my Billy for 54 years. I was getting ready for bed last night and out of the corner of my eye I saw his red shirt and his sweet skinny man legs, like he was sitting on the side of the bed, like I have seen him a million times. It was how I keep my pillows (I stack them and sleep on a bunch of them), and one pillow on the side of the bed (beige cover) that was covering up the light to my Kindle plug in. Of course I knew he was not there, but after so many years, in my "mind's eye" I could see him. I'm at the point now that I still cannot believe he is gone, but of course know he is. Just keep on writing when it gets unbearable, or if it gets to a moment that is easier to accept. I think we have "heard/read" it all and if we did not read it, we wrote it our-self.

I do know if I keep walking upright that eventually I am going to lose my independence. And my friends, one was just put in a nursing home from her nightly wine binges for years and years. She never hurt no one but herself. Eventually we do some crazy thing, we are elderly and we are watched..........and we are depended on. All I can think is, y'all better hope I keep my independence a little bit longer, at least till our cars are paid for. I get help from them all, my clothes are taken and washed, I have never worried about cleaning up a house. As long as nothing is spilled on the floor and I have a clear walking path, I am okay. I can still take the trash out. I saw one woman (I went down an unfamiliar road) and her house was falling down around her, it was afternoon and she had bed clothes on (now, I cannot discriminate against this, I sleep in the same clothes I go to Walmart in.) I just looked at her and her house and I thought, well, she is by herself with no help and I felt sorry for her. She lived in her own home, I guess. I live in an apartment, and it is almost like assisted living. If they do not see me often they check on me. (I make them see me often). My little Wisconsin "lost" elderly woman, her son came and moved her further south and she would not let them tell her daughter (who was taking her money) where she was. My friends (Billy's friends) who did not welcome me when I came back "home," they did hear the footsteps, like probably I was Typhoid Mary. One husband will not get out of the nursing home. Another is in a bad way, and my friend who married the 2nd time, he is on hospice care. So Gwen, it is hard to be strong when we had someone else be strong for us. I have to be strong as long as I can because I have so many people watching me and if any one of them reminds me that we watched that movie two days ago, instead of last night like I remember, if any of them tell me I forgot to do something I just tell them I have the assisted living place and the two nursing homes on fast dial. They leave me alone pretty much. Which is not to say that I do wish I could come up and do nothing else but read to you, we could watch Frankie and Grace together and anything else controversial you'd like to watch except those 50 shades of gray movies. Actually my favorites are things like "The Jungle Book" and all the Marvel comic book movies. Don't think you are forgotten about and we all wish we could be there. There was a movie named "Sense8" where they could all be there for each other no matter where on the globe they might be. But, just like all those "Outlander" books and TV series, they have not invented such things yet. If they did, we would be right by you, where ever you are. I'm sorry folks, "Sense8" was one of my favorite movies, and it was kinda-sorta-controversial. (I loved it).

I'm sorry, I don't ever believe he is gone. We never spent the night away from each other, we even saw each other every day we were separated the whole six weeks. I would blow out the outside gas water tank and he would have to come relight it.. Finally, after we got back together he asked why the gas water heater was working now. He was serious. I told him because I was not blowing it out anymore. He got a kick out of that.

After 54 years, sometimes I just feel guilty for being here. Sometimes I cannot believe he is gone. The crying jags are far between, but the tears can happen over nothing at all. I do forget things often, but I have for three years now. When I am reminded of something I forgot, I tell them I will start looking for assisted living. Honestly has not bothered me too much unless I am reminded of it. Today I drove interstate in "off work" traffic and a horrific straight line winds, no rain until I got home but the trees were bending pretty bad. I honestly did not get scared except I was driving tornado alley. Ferris Yaris kept all four on the ground and I don't think I'm ready for assisted living yet. Kieron, read on, lots of people on here have helped me. We cannot be cured, but we can develop scar tissue over the wounds........sometimes. Rips off easily. I'm sorry you have to join us but they are good people, the pain is real.

Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy. One thing you have not addressed is the fact your body and your mind is hormonal. When the baby comes, your body will revert back to normal and normal for you will not be every other mommy's normal. You have been hit with a Mack truck amount of grief. One thing, as a mommy, you are thinking of putting Caleb in school with other kids. I know you have anxiety about this. There will be a new baby to take care of in 2019, a "terrible two's" little boy to chase and a young son in public school, who might grow with the proximity of other children his age. We always worry about adjustments. You are going to have so much on you as "Mommy" you will have to have help to find your Katie time. This is both good and bad. Your mind is going to be so occupied sometimes you definitely will be overwhelmed. I hope your parents and friends can be there to help out. Katie, my loss is a feather compared to your weight of loss. I griped because my family demanded (still demand) so much of my time. I want to go hide. I do get out in my car and ride my country roads as my "my time." I have other problems you do not have. You are so young my Katie-girl, you may have widow's brain where you find your mind wandering, forget things, live in a fog, but your widow brain fog will eventually clear up and your responsibilities will then be mind numbing. That is why I hope you are close to family and friends. And of course, right now you have to take care of Katie because baby inside you has to be taken care of. Later on, you will still have to take care of Katie with super strength, you will have to be Supermom and they will take up so much of your time, sometimes you will begrudge the time, but it has its purpose. You have kids who are going to give you little time for Katie. But, in doing this, your mind will be occupied with soccer practice, baseball, getting infants ready to attend all this. As I said, Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy. In the months that come, you are going to have to be Supermommy. And that is why I hope you have friends and family to help. You are young but still you need hydration, food, and most of all, something in short supply............rest, and time to grieve. Katie, I am 76 as of four days ago. I have not worried about my "widow fog" in such a way as I do now. I find my family telling me something happened that I have no memory of. Sometimes that frightens me. I have warned them all, I still drive, my car is a taxi for family. I have to remember where things are located and when I go on my wild excursions to anywhere/everywhere, I have no destination, it is my alone time, I am not lost, I have no anxiety, but if they push me too much I see assisted living coming up and that might put things in different perspective for my whole family. They don't want me in assisted living or a nursing home. You gonna make it Katie-girl because you are an involved Mommy. No one says it is going to be easy though. I think God made man strong, and at the risk of hurting our members feelings, I won't say God made women more intelligent, but you cannot put a woman on this earth to have 12 kids in 22 years and still outlive her husband by nearly 30 years. I don't know what we are Katie, but we have a strength that men do not have. I don't think a man could have 12 children without an epidural and then take care of all 12 children. I don't know what we have, I cannot describe the strength.............but it is there. You feel it. (I hope I have not written too much when it is hard to think one second from this moment and the pain is unbearable, but I saw the Katie girl you will be, you are not thinking of yourself, you are thinking, wondering if you will be a good mommy. No worry, you have accomplished that already.

I was not aware of being old until Billy left. Funny thing is he looked better to me than he did at 20 even. All those other guys, they got old. I do not recognize the old fat woman in the windows of shops. I just got old too fast I don't look.

And please a hug from me too. Please listen to Marita. We cannot sit with you in your house, we all would be with you if we could. Katie-girl, you have all our hearts and we would all be sitting with you if we could.

Now why couldn't a gal from the "swamps" remember that? I knew what it was called Tom, just could not think of the name at the moment. Lightening really does hit the same place twice.

Tom, when Billy left he took that magical, mystical, imaginative side of me with him. He was never superstitious, he would not have even thought of going to a psychic, me either. But, you and I do not share the same feelings about "faith." Not everyone is alike. All I can tell you is that you, being in a humid city, better make sure you have a water cooled A/C in Albuquerque. You see, Albuquerque and surrounding New Mexico area was our favorite place to be, ever. It is magnificent seeing the Sandia's from any place you stand. Old Town is wonderful. The Rio Grande is breath taking. To be in love with this city and the Sandia's as a backdrop as the city lights come on will only magnify your feelings. Follow your heart, you do not need any of our approval or disapproval, but yes, it was a strong "coincidence."

No words I can say will help. If I was close I could hug you, and that would not help either, but you know you have a lot of people hurting with you, and we all feel helpless. Our hearts are with you Katie girl.

Will be three years in October. I have family activity to keep my mind occupied, but some days I don't. Today I kept telling myself that I could not believe he was gone. I can see him walking around (in my mind), and one morning I woke up to think he was in bed. Sometimes I just don't want to believe he is gone. Then the activity starts and things have to be done with other people and so I don't so much forget, I just robotically tick along. Got scared this morning. I was by myself for a long time and I just felt I had something wrong with me. Just did not feel right. I keep telling myself in a couple of days I will be 76, and if he was here that would just be a number we stuck on our cake. I've had lots of illness, been very lucky, but not sure how many life's are left in this old cat. Would not be like that if he was here. Even with the cancer, he allayed my fears. I don't think I helped his. He said "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes." I would not talk death, not even when he held out his hands in giving up. I told him "no" and he did not listen to me. Will add, in reality I know he couldn't listen to me. But, I was supposed to be holding him. Lost my chance with my stubbornness, I wanted to "play God" one more time and keep him with me.

Gwen, they add things to cigarettes to make them more addictive, I seem to remember even ammonia. I am not going to preach to quit cause my 95-year-old mother had a bumper sticker on her car that said "I'm a voter and I'm a smoker" or bassackwards. My mother had no friends, but her words were that her cigarettes were her friends. Billy quit smoking because the nicotine was stopping up his arteries and he had three kidney arteries blocked and blood pressure put him in ICU;. But, he could not give up the tobacco, he switched over to oral tobacco, which to my belief gave him the liver cancer.. It was so pitiful, he would bring a can of Copenhagen to me and show me he had only had two cans the whole week. Gwen, I never tried to make him quit. He wanted to but he just could not. My sister is kicking the alcohol again, but the two cartons of cigarettes per week, either over a week, or under, depends on the stress, at $65 a carton in Louisiana. I cannot buy them. I cannot afford them. She is just a smidgen from being placed on oxygen. She gets out of breath walking a short few feet. I don't blame her. I blame the tobacco industry. Some say they quit, they put them down and don't pick them back up. My son quit the oral tobacco, mentioned getting back on again and Billy told him never to do that. I was on amphetamines seven years (years ago, legal prescription), then it became illegal. They put me in a psych hospital. I had the "longing" for an amphetamine for years. I was too afraid to get the illegal ones. I emptied the ones we found from my son's room (illegal) down the commode. One stuck on the side of the nasty commode. I saw it. I went back and picked it off the side of the dirty commode and then I flushed it. I had sunk so low I would consider taking a dirty commode capsule.. That was it for me. I still had the longing, but the decision was in stone. It has been almost three years since Billy left me. I am one fortunate person that has the aggravation and worry from a close family. At one time it was a fuss because I want to be put in assisted living or a nursing home when the time comes, unless I go some other way. I will not do to my kids what my mom did to my sister........and me. I said I was going to quit writing so much. I hurt still. There will never be anyone else in my life, of that I am sure. I have medical problems that would make it impossible even if I was crazy enough to think anyone could even come close to comparing to Billy. I do not need companionship and I won't have a fur baby. I would like to make a smooth, quick, get-away, if the good Lord allows me. Gwen, I am so sorry you are suffering. Honestly, if you were closer, we would have to make some time to spend ..............talking, cause I cannot drink. I so admire all the years you have put into helping people in nursing homes and I sincerely wish that good human blessing that you give people confined to rooms could be shared with you, because you deserve it. There are some really good people on this forum, and Gwen, you are one of them. I cannot name you all out by name, I would forget someone. You have my heart girl.

Well, I guess we were raised on "cliches" in this part of the country. That like when one door closes, another opens. They are all semantics and if we take and examine every word we can find fault in all of them. https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/will-god-ever-give-us-more-than-we-can-handle I'm sorry so many of our members are going through so much. Words do not help a lot of the problems. And virtual words means we cannot be there physically,, or we could do more. "Just “be” with us. Sit. Listen. Pass a tissue. Offer a hug. Be okay with uncomfortable silence. And yes, you can offer encouraging words, too. Just not those words, please." And I said I interpreted it as it told me was this "watch your words, when words are all you have to give, be careful what you say" And, that is what I got out of it. No cliches.

And Kay, I read that whole article, but what it told me was this "watch your words, when words are all you have to give, be careful what you say." I think this whole forum is made up of people worried about words that other people say to them, something that does not sit well, something that does not fit, but honestly..........words are all we have. If any of you lived close enough I would be there to help you, you, you, and you. Sometimes words are all a person has when people are 1000 miles away. My friend in the nursing home is 33 miles from me and I did not go see her Saturday. She was a night wine drinker too many years. She did get a DUI and family had to take her places. They did, straight to the nursing home. (And yes, that is where I would have taken my mother.) I am a terrible person. There is a picture somewhere showing how, for a short period of time, Eskimo's would push their elderly they could no longer take care of off on ice floes. I guess they would have to push me in a pirogue into the alligator swamps. As long as I can, I will make my own plans, as I have to make them. If they have volunteers in the nursing homes like Gwen, then I will have friends that are helpful. You know, I have a lot of questions I don't have answers to. They do not bother me too much because by the time another question comes up, I have forgot about the other one. The most harrowing words my family can say to me are "don't you remember?" Hell no I don't remember, and that little verse underneath is, I am not going to waste time trying to remember, unless it has to do with life and death and even then, the anxiety will wipe the slate clean. One thing on this forum we do, we try to bring words that might in some way show we care because we sure cannot travel to help that person out. You all know I have a myriad of family problems. My daughter called a few minutes ago with fear in her voice. Her lab work had come back showing abnormalities. My advice was the doctor's advice, go next week and have it drawn again.......and drink plenty of water. All she drinks are cokes and I have her a water pitcher in her refrigerator with a filter in it. My sister has my dad's pride and definitely not my mom's business genes. Gonna rent a car so I won't have to drive her places. Well, I do have scheduled places I have to go, not at my leisure, but car oil change in the city and my granddaughter's counseling. If we cannot work around that, something needs fixed. With car rental at $55 a day and cigarettes at $65 a carton in Louisiana, something has to give. And the sad thing is, neither me nor my daughter have shown reluctance in taking her where she needs to go. I realize she had a car and freedom, but bad choices took that away. We learned the meaning of empathy when we had to join this forum and "had to" are two words that fit me perfectly. I needed the feeling from like minded people. I am religious, and when I say that it is with trembling fingers and/or a trembling voice. I hope my prayers go further than the ceiling. I do have mustard seed faith, but I honestly do not see any mountains moving. I have talked to two pastors and I don't remember what either one said or even what they looked like. Billy could bring my faith back with just a few words. I don't have Billy, but I was inside the church every time the doors opened until I got married and went some then too, and often when my kids were young until the "youth minister" came into our life. Sometimes humans have "feet of clay." We have people on this forum that have problems we cannot fix, even if we lived next door. In the meantime, words are all we have. And, unfortunately, well meaning "friends" that offer their condolences and their advice, they don't know what to say anymore than I do. (But, I sure have a lot of words).

Ana, I forget you are not living in the USA also, or Canada, and your communication in our language is perfect. I'm sorry someone as young as some of you, or actually any of us have to communicate on a grief forum, but I am glad it is here to lean on.

It is a life sentence Ana. Until the end of time. And the fairy tales lied, they did not all "live happily ever after." But your "ever after" is not over and you are keeping up on your health and that is good. I thought my life was over, and life as I knew it was over. I fight every day to help my family, without Billy. He was supposed to be here with me and we were supposed to be living finally in the RV again. Instead, I live in an apartment, and I am not afraid, even with crime everywhere and in that big house that we had lived in, I would have been so afraid, even in a no crime little town with a deputy living at the end of the street. I love, very much, a granddaughter that is afraid of everything and I hope we can break through that with counseling. I see hope, even if she does not. I also see hope for many on our forums. We might not can use the word happy, but this spring I saw the flowers, the fluorescent green in the trees, and mine and Billy's time was autumn and him taking pictures of the leaves.........for me. I have not seen beauty since 2014 in autumn. I'm hoping I see a little this year. You see, like the wound not healing, like developing scar tissue over the wound, maybe, just maybe we can learn how to live, for you a long time I hope, for me, I am not sure, but I am not afraid. I have people like you my young friend that will carry on for me and many more. And we are strong, even if we don't want to be.

Ana, that is mostly all I write on Facebook. My son tells me that is the first thing he reads each day and my granddaughter on the East Coast likes me posting old, old family pictures like the one I posted somewhere. She likes to read the stories and when she was little, I told her stories just like my mom told me. You see, my grandmother missed her husband so much, she was a little country mouse store keeper. Her kids, I guess, got tired of her grief and they told her to take her Big Chief writing tablet and write her family history with her #2 pencil. (She even wrote her will on a Big Chief tablet, which you young people won't remember.) That book, in typed version, copies have been passed down through all the grandchildren. She wrote for the Bossier Banner, a newspaper in the parish, since she was 14. Some of her writings are in the parish library and actually have been used in local history teachings even in aTexas college. She was very lonesome and in between waiting on customers in her little country store, she wrote page after page. When computers came into being my cousins and I would email each other our impressions of all the country reunions and holidays. Now I have all their letters saved and now I have all the old pictures. My latest favorite is my great-great grandmother next to her son, my great grandfather, behind him my grandmother, and my namesake Margaret, my aunt, and the name died with me, I'm afraid after generations. The oldest woman's name was Parthenia and it was passed down too and has a smidgen related to long ago relatives from the Iberian Peninsula. She outlived her husband. I think he must have worn himself out.. She had 11 kids in 21 years without benefit of epidurals. I'm sorry, but this is what I write about on Facebook and they encourage me, so I keep on telling family history. We even had gangsters and they were my favorite. I was lucky, I had lots of cousins, a bunch of aunts and uncles and even my great grandmother until I was about 12. Kept my grandmothers until they were late 80's for one, mid-90's for another and kept grandfathers until I had hit my teens. And of course, I miss Billy more than any of them. Made the 80 mile round trip today talking to large voluminous, fluffy storm clouds. Listening to various CD's and only came close to crying once. Okay for 1017 days or so, but who is counting? I talked to him about our son's romance breakup after all these years. I know he will be happy of that, I gotta tell you, she was not missing a tool from the tool shed, had no tools in her tool shed period, talked to him about our daughter doing all the small town Mardi Gras photography, last night I think 800 pictures (with his new camera). And talked over family problems, and we all have them. He didn't talk back, but he was listening. I think the only time he has not listened to me was when I was not going to let him go and he ignored me.

I'm sorry for that Kay. I only have one sister and I don't want to lose her. I know this hurts you.

Oh my Ana, you are such a good person. You are such a young person for this grief to hit like this, but one thing about grief, and even cancer, it is no respecter of age, gender, or anything else. It sits in and on anyone, at any time. It hurts the rich as well as the poor. Does not matter what nationality we are, it hits us in every country all over the world. Different cultures take it different, but they all hurt. In some religious sects, the grieving widow has to take the brother of her deceased husband, and in some religious sects here in the good ole USA, young widows are expected to take whoever the Bishop picks for them two weeks after death of mate. (Yes, I watch too much Hallmark TV shows). In places in India the wife throws herself on the burning pyre, called Sati. Kinda glad we don't do that here, but I was going to follow Billy as fast as I could with those aforementioned 50 morphine. I would have caused so much harm to my family. I considered no one's pain but my own. I will follow soon enough anyhow. We talk about being positive, well, how about just "being" and bide our time without making plans, and let what ever happens happen. No guilt. Nothing but living life as it comes to us. I will be 76 this month. I think you are so very much younger. I come from "olden times" families when you actually fought sometimes to make marriages work and sometimes lived through bad times, but I would not change even the bad times. I remember my two grandma's as widows. As much as my grandma loved my grandfather, after many years another man came to "call on her." She was receptive, but her grown kids were not. They actually, figuratively, ran this fellow off and one of the "mean" sisters actually threatened him. Now, my sweet little mammaw, hers was not a marriage of devotion like my other grandparents. I know it produced four children. She was in her early 50's when my granddaddy died. No one seemed to miss him but my dad, and he had beat the respect into my poor dad. The only child he beat. My mammaw's best friend had died years before and her husband came "courting" and the grown children put a stop to it. Damn I've lived a long time, no wonder my notes are so long. Sweet Ana, lets me and you just take it one day at a time. You've got a lot of life ahead of you I hope. Live it my sweet girl. That is about all we can do really. Myself, today I am going to a town about 40 miles away, country road, blacktop, plenty of time to think. I go past my last "home" and will stop and put other flowers on my mom and dad's, grandmother and grandfather's graves. It is not a sad drive. I love talking to Billy in the clouds.

First off, feel so much interest in yourself that you do not care to share it with someone who has not been through the flames. I talk to my sister. She listens and she really does not offer advice. I talk to my kids. Both hurt too. I have lots of friends who are widows. They seem to have learned from their own experience not to offer advice. One told me to keep busy. I thanked her, but her busy is not the same as my busy. We all hurt. We all are in grief. I have let myself gain 30 pounds since Billy left. Guess I fed my grief. There comes a time when you realize you want to lose the weight, not for admiration from anyone else, but to be able to pass a window in the mall without wondering who that fat woman is and realizing it is me. Some on here have lost children too, and I so hope and pray I leave before my kids. Thinking positively? Think some for yourself. You got out of bed. You changed that light bulb. I bought three Rubbermaid ladders, different sizes, and I'm not afraid to use them. Quit letting ignoramus's hurt you. Might not be politically correct, but the first part of that word is ignore. (I took out half this crap, I tend to say the same thing over and over).