Margm

This little boy and little family have been through the war. He has got to come away with some of the feelings our soldiers had when they came back from wars with battle fatigue, shell shock and now calling it PTSD. Not just sweet Caleb, but the whole family. I am one of the people who carries some anger toward God, but the pamphlet they gave me for my mama's hospice care said that was perfectly normal and so I really have not felt bad about it. My dad was strict, so I just thought of him like my dad. I don't know the reasons why bad things happen to good people, but they do, sometimes in war and sometimes in attacks on innocent people in schools. Katie, mental illness runs rampant through my family and during my kids high school years and young adult years with bipolar in both of them, I just fought constantly and worried when I was away from them. My son was shot and coded on the OR table and my daughter has been in so many scrapes. Fighting drugs was terrifying but we got through it. Not all my son's friends were so lucky. It is a constant fight and your Caleb and your little family have been in a terrible battle. Please let us hear from you often. We care, we all care so much.

I tried writing April. I hate like the dickens you had to join us and I know people are getting tired of hearing this, but after all this time of searching for quotes, for books, for feelings, for anything that would help, it is the only thing that helped me. I have just beat it to smithereens too. Read "Widows Brain" also. Honestly, I get so carried away sometimes my posts are word salads instead of simple 2-3 line posts. “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. Rose Kennedy. I figured this woman who lived through the most trying marriage money could buy, losing all her kids and still living till over 100, I figured she understood. I cannot write more. I hate that you have had to come to this forum, but I will tell you there is no where else you can go, not to personal therapists, not to group therapy, nothing helps like the people on here who have gone through what you are going through now. And, I'm trying to keep it short, I already figure they have most of my posts in book form sent to the American Psychiatry Association trying to come out with some new DMS score for my insanity. (Ha.......they won't find it). Please just read these people on here, go back to when they first experienced what is happening right now. Some of us are not doing much better but I will tell you one thing, arithmophobia or not, this is my 3rd spring without Billy. I did see the fluorescent greens, the tulip trees, the dogwoods, all the color. It was not as beautiful as when Billy captured them in pictures, but this is the first time I was aware...............of anything.

Congratulations for your new granddaughter. Billy got to rock all three of his grandchildren. Billy only saw pictures of our great-grandchildren. Years ago (she is a teenager now) when I saw her picture I cried. I wish they had been closer so he could have rocked them and loved them. Somehow, when he left it took something away besides his physical self. I used to be loving but met the first child a few days after Billy had left, in fact they moved in with me and I moved out. His "I am you and you are me" still holds, but somehow I lost the good part of me and I have no desire to kindle familiarity with people he would have loved knowing. I still feel that way this many years/months later. Now they are many miles away on the other side of the USA and I cannot really travel anymore.

My cousin was married about 38 years to this man. She had met him after her husband left her and the three grown kids they have. I am not that fond of him, but his new (not new now) wife is still a friend of mine also. When my cousin married this man, it had been a few years after he lost his first wife to cancer. He was the grandpa to all her grandchildren and great grandchildren and a wonderful husband. He is missed by all who knew him. A good man is hard to find and he was a good man. Of course her ex kept calling her all those days after she was married. She thought it was funny, but they did have three children in common. Kay, I know it is supposed to be perfect and no jealousy, but as of this morning, I ain't there yet, and sometimes a little anger might help hide the hurt of a nit-witted woman with a preposterous brain. I am going to be nit-witted again, so bear with me. I know I wrote this as an addendum to one of my notes and it was the main reason I was writing this note. I don't really have to explain, you all know my word salads show up anywhere. This man my cousin was married to, she was married to him longer than he was to his first wife, but they had a double headstone and my cousin buried him next to his first wife, as she deemed appropriate for they had had children together. I hope she finds a nook close to him when she goes.

Your right Gwen, we don't know, but I know enough to know I was determined to follow Billy and I had no qualms about it, did not think of anything but being with him dead or alive, I didn't care. I did not think of my kids and relatives, was so selfish I figured they could grieve all at once. I don't know what is behind the door but I didn't open it because of my faith and unsure if I was doing like I should. Something stopped me and it was not fear of dying. At age 18 and 20, I cannot say that we were faithful to each other. It is like the 10 commandments, well, I have not killed anyone yet. Not a perfect marriage, but the final years were perfect and we were able to talk through all the imperfection (and no Daddy, it was not all me). You see, my dad thought Billy was so perfect that when there was any problem he always said to me "what did you do now?" I wasn't an Angel, But I want to believe Billy is now. And, that is how I will believe. Not trying to change anyone else, just what I believe, and have to believe.

Well Gin, all I can think of is Solomon from the Bible who offered to divide the baby in two parts because neither mother would give the baby up. When he offered to do that, one mother said no, let the other mother have the baby. So, he gave the baby to the mother who did not want the baby killed. Now, I have no idea how we are going to deal with an ex-wife or three old girlfriends. I think it is supposed to be perfect and I seem to remember something about "we will know as we are known" and you know me, I could have just pulled that out of the air since I did not google it. All I gotta say is "he is mine" and that is how it has to be. Lord you better help us cause we can sure screw things up down here.

I think Joni Mitchell sang: But now old friends are acting strange They shake their heads, they say I've changed Well something's lost, but something's gained In living every day I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all There are some good things about being older. Some good things about being married (fixing to be 57 years), even if he has been gone some of that time. Remember the little woman that was about my age that married a classmate after her husband passed away. She had a heart attack and was in a wheelchair while he was getting her medicines), and he heard her say this "It's not the same." And of course it is not the same. I think it might be possible for two ghost partners to live with two new partners, and I'm not getting kinky. I've seen it work. But you have to agree with me on this, after this length of time, how could I ever not compare someone with my ghost who was the best ghost there ever could be. And besides. (No, I don't look in the mirror much), but all those guys I used to know, if they are not already dead, they have dementia, and damn........they are old.

Marie I hate clear blue sky days. Today we have fluffy clouds. No, my magical, imaginative, mystical world has not gone. It did stay hidden for a long time and I wonder if one of these days Jesus is gonna get tired of me switching my prayer to him, transferring it to Billy and just finishing my talking to him, even if I say "amen" at the end. I figure they both know my upside down brain and forgive me. Now, I do suffer from arithmophobia and hate trying to figure how long he has been gone because any noise I hear in any other room is him, until I remember he is not here. I don't like to remember he is not here. Reminds me that he is up in Heaven with those three old girlfriends and then I get angry again. Hey, I don't have to make sense of anything.

Here she is again Gwen, I trusted her to have the experience and understanding. Rose Kennedy of course. "It has been said that time heals all wounds. ... The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." I don't for a minute doubt that my kids and my granddaughter all worry about my sanity. I have been through the underlined purple bold above so many times, I believe the mind does protect itself when I cannot. I have been through so many magical, mystical, miraculous happenings in my life that one line can only explain it. (I, of course, have to speak for my own mind).

There is a reason that I don't go back and read my posts. When I write them, I am usually filled with some stupid emotion. I share anger, fear, love, guilt, and not only does my cup "runneth" over, but so does my feelings that ordinarily I would not share. But I do anyhow.

Best idea. Laminate, I did not think of. I oft times used Saran wrap to save things, but laminate would not fall off. We used to write each other notes. Right after we first got married we did all the time. I saved in my billfold window one I happened on and just set it there. One time I wrote him a sweet, but kinda sexy one, and put it in his lunch box. The "boys" found it and pinned it to the board where everyone could see.. I never saw Billy embarrassed, and I doubt he was this time, but I think I cleaned up any more notes I left.

Tom, years ago I learned to not really look at people, I know it was silly, but Billy had a complex against me being too friendly. He got over it, but because of his family's situation, I learned to understand it. I did this for years and it got to be a habit. Thankfully, he got out of this phase, but he was only 20. We fought through a lot of obstacles in those 54 years and for the last 30 or more years, I had the best friend, most understandable, perfect man I could ever ask for. But those first years were rough. I'm so glad we fought to keep it though and sometimes I still go into a place with my face looking toward the floor just out of habit. I've started holding my head up and smiling now though I feel some qualms about it. Probably mental abuse at first, but listen, this teenager knew how to measure out my own abuse, so don't ever think I was beat down, I was a handful myself. Still, unless I know the person very well, I always say "just fine." That is comical in itself. When I ask my son on the phone how he is doing, his words are always "just fine" and this Mama can tell the tone of those two words whether he is "just fine" or if something is wrong and I make him tell me. I have had friends tell me they saw me at Walmart or Brookshires and I never remember seeing them. I think I must look through people.

I read what Marty posted. I do not know why I am different, but like one of my supervisors told me once, "You really are crazy, but it is a nice crazy." Being crazy is not so bad as long as you do not hurt other people. Now, if Wanda (my prayer warrior) and I meet in town,we can talk. (my friends and I talk on FB messenger anyhow all the time). Somehow, I do not want to bring people down to my grief level. Wanda knows where all the "bodies are buried" so to speak in my life and lost her own husband after seven years of him being bed bound after a stroke. And to her credit (he was not in pain), she said she would have kept him as long as humanly possible. I really did get my feelings hurt, I won't deny it, when I told two couples of his best friends about Billy's passing. I felt a coldness that surprised me, made me sorta angry, and made me determined not to speak to them again, unless they called me. You would have to know, these were our very close friends (before we moved out of state). I came home, thought about it and the one who always had to hug me, he was the most distant. He is 80, and I have found out he has dementia. The other man, shortly afterwards had his first stroke and then another and is in the nursing home........waiting. We were not young people anymore. Everyone heard the footsteps that were creeping up behind them. Billy leaving only made the footsteps louder. I also made the mistake of hugging a neighbor of Billy's folks. Doubtless he was very surprised. It was the twin of the neighbor who only a month or so later passed away himself (the twin). So now I share my feelings with my granddaughter, my daughter (who I have to brag on, other than one melt down, she has become my biggest help I could ever hope for) with my sister, and I don't know how that is going to turn out as she is leaving the detox too soon. I will take one day at a time. My mom had no friends. She had sisters and they all died and then she had the Alzheimer's. My granddaughter quizzes me often which aggravates me, she wants me to keep my mind sharp. I kinda like my mind to stay flat and only rise to the occasion. I know some won't agree with this but one of my favorite authors, Edward Abbey once said "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." So my kids and I discuss their dad, my son and I the most because my daughter has the idea that he loved her best of all of us, and if it makes her feel good, I am fine with that. And for the friends/acquaintances/unknown people, I will always be doing "just fine." That is all I care to discuss.............except with y'all.

The other day I entered Walmart with a smile on my face and met many people who smiled back, many who asked "how are you" and many I passed in greeting "I'm fine, how are you today?" and walked on past. I talk to you all about my problems, my grief. Tom, can you imagine how many greetings and advice I would get if I stopped and told them, "well, I'm on the way to the bathroom real fast" or "I am grieving very hard today" and honestly, and Tom, this comes from just plain ole me: I don't want to hear what they have to say. Sometimes if I stop and talk to them they have more problems than I do and damn, I cannot solve my own and my biggest problem has just taken over. What in the hell am I supposed to say to them? I did not want a conversation, just a pleasant passing of the day and walk on. (I really think I have become grouchy without Billy). But, he had developed a little road rage, so maybe my age prevents me from wanting to talk with those people. Now my friend Denise, who I see often, we would have stopped and before I could talk she would tell me about losing her mother and father-in-law within weeks of each other and how her son and his family were doing and then her two daughters. By that time I would have forgot what I came into the store for. I think I am just getting to be an old grouch. I don't think I will smile the next time I go in and wear sunglasses too.

Darrel, did you ever leave? We have some people that I have missed and I hope they are safe. When I first joined there was a woman with her son living in a very volatile city that was being invaded. Although she was English (I think), her husband (who had just passed away young) had been an engineer from another country (I am going by memory and that is dangerous for me), but her son was a teenager that was certainly at risk in this foreign country. I think her name was Debbi and I still worry about her. There were a couple from South Africa and one in particular I really did not understand. But, we are all from different parts of the country, different cultures and I like to think of myself as a "redneck old southern woman" and the fact that I worked 43 years in the medical profession, it was easy to forget when I left. My husband and I both worked 80 years as civil servants so we retired comfortably and I had some SS also. He worked as supervisor of a laboratory and he was a math marvel that helped our granddaughter with her math so much. I felt so lacking in education that I went to local college to take tests so I could help home school our granddaughter. I took their tests to see what I was qualified for and my friend, the test giver told me I did not need any more studying, that I had scored higher than the high school seniors that took the test for college. I can only believe it was the courses I had to take to keep up on my punctuation and proper language usage for my years of medical transcription. Thank goodness for that. But, in my mind I am still that papermill town gal that grew up across the road from the rodeo arena. We knew how to sneak in under the fence so it was free. Actually became hum-drum and not as exciting. It was more exciting parking the cars in the side (really big acre) of land next to the house for 50 cents a car and in the 1959-1960's that was pretty good money. I was "raised" on the banks between two "creeks" bayous really, but my language is still (Spranghill). Syrup is surp. Leg is laig. Egg is aig. Aunt/ant is aiint. I am country and prefer it that way. I took a stupid test to see how redneck I was and dammit, they did not consider me redneck. I don't remember being any more disappointed than if I had been born in the tribe of Cochise, Geronimo, or Chief Joseph, they would have made me sleep out side the tent with the dogs because none of them would have claimed ownership of a carrot topped, freckle faced girl. (I now prefer ginger, sounds more exotic). Anyhow Darrel, some come, some go, some are taken in by people you cannot possibly think would go onto a grief forum looking for pen pals. Although, when I was 14 I had a pen pal from Japan named Kunikasu Hygutchi and this is remembering from age 14 (and I have arithomophobia) so will not figure how long ago that was. Somehow, talking to my "mountain woman" Kay who is someone I admire and my Seattle and Chicago women who do not know what the "country" is because they live in the city, somehow I love my new friends and honestly understand their grief, their head butting things that are hard to get through. The thing is, to keep it simple, mix with all the women and men who share your feelings. We get off track lots of times. It would be nice to find someone else that you could share your feelings with, someone you could share your heart with, and maybe one day you will feel ready to do that. I have examined my feelings, I have examined my friends, and I can be friends with my classmates and people from my past, but at my age could I ever be happy with any of them? I know I cannot. But that is just me. Some people look for different things. Myself........I have had the best and comparing someone else to him would be so unfair. It is kind of nice being this old. I don't have to want it or worry about it. I think others might find a measure of happiness if two ghosts and two flesh and blood people can all four live together. It happens.

I know Billy would have missed and grieved me, but I picture him in the little RV on one of our many Louisiana and Arkansas lakes. I think he could have handled it much better. But his old saying he made up was "I am you and you are me" so, if he was me, then I don't know what he would have been doing. Maybe he would have gone to stay with his sister below Albuquerque. They had fixed us up a place to park our RV with dump and utilities. Myself, I cannot cross the Texas line. I will have to add an addendum onto that. He would be helping his granddaughter and kids, of that I am sure.

I somehow am jealous of them dying before me. (I know how sick that sounds), but crazy is something I have never denied. I will never take his name off our Amazon account.

Kay, wrap them in saran wrap so they won't fade any more.

When we first moved to Arkansas, Billy and I went shoe shopping for him. To him, shoes were shoes, and he had a high arch which would hurt him sometimes. He found two pair of Rockports and one pair he used for "every day wear" and the second pair he saved for dressy, even though we bought him another pair for dressy. When he was proud of something, he "saved" it and would not wear it except on special occasions. Elizabeth...............I don't know where Billy's shoes are located. I know they are in one of those huge plastic boxes, but you reminded me of them. I have managed to have an anger with Billy for the past few weeks. I feel better with that anger. Now, I will tell you why and you all can laugh at me. Dammit, he had three old girlfriends that have since died and I am just positive he does not miss me. Go ahead and laugh. It actually has helped some.

Gwen, I am sure there has to be some therapy "Face Your Fears" probably written by Eleanor Roosevelt while she was canoodling with her friend, and I do not explain canoodling, nor which friend. The world is made up of things that are supposed to cure us. and I bolded it, but I use it loosely. There is no cure. we have to walk that damn path by ourselves. Sometimes we hit on some quote that gently nudges us, but never fear, we will forget it fast enough. I went back to my "young me" country today. Well "old me" got lost. Freedom be damned. I hated going down our old country highway, it is just a continuous suburb of the big city. I turned left like I was supposed to do. Not long ago I found what I was looking for, but I was coming from the opposite direction. I saw where my Grandma's store used to be. I did not see my crawfish creek that ran under the road under a bridge that must be a culvert now. It is stopped by the highway with pine trees that need thinned so bad. The problem is, my aunt passed away, her son passed away too young, but after her, and the last child lives in Michigan, so there is no one to take care of this land of trees. I doubt if you could crawl between the overgrown brush. Louisiana summers. But, my boxes have still not been moved or opened again. Won't do it. Avoidance has always been my go-to word.

Karen, sometimes it takes me more than once to understand a movie. Some movies I watch many times. I understood this one more the 2nd time. Thanks.

You want some good news from me, unexpected news. I moved my daughter down here, and first week was kind of bad. This child of mine has taken over for the bad things that have happened to my sister, she has taken over and taken it all off me. I cannot ask for much more than that. She took her to the rehab and she takes care of her cat, which we thought was dying but is now eating and drinking lots of water. Kelli leaves the TV on for her. I'm sorry, I am not an animal person. Won't go into it except I lost so many as a child I would have no more. Not gonna have another husband either.

I bought a new DVD player (have to wait for Brianna to hook it up, or her mother). Had to install new keyboard and finally had to give up. Bri did it for me. I am so out of shape. Billy would not have let me get this way. The church offers services on Tuesday nights for addicts of all kinds and I eat without even tasting it. I sent to Amazon for "Balance & Strength".. It said "Traditional Exercises, modified Tai Chi and Yoga for seniors and older adults". With Jane Adams. So far I have taken the cover off it. Burned up two calories doing that. I will do them in the morning when no one is with me and remove all sharp objects.

Nicole, welcome to this place you never thought you would visit, and there is not one single person here who wishes you did not have to find it. But, as an old woman, it was worth more than years of psychotherapy. I think I have told this before. Over 20 years ago a classmate, our kids grew up together, she was married to a cousin of mine, but though we shared all that, I didn't know her. In looks, she was/is beautiful. In forgiveness, my terrible thing that I can still remember saying, she has never brought it up and I won't because she is now one of my best friends and I do not want to remember that stupid person, the idiotic crazy person who told her, in passing, that she was young and beautiful, that she would find someone else. I really hope these idiotic people that talk to you and other people on our forum get a chance to remember this. It did not take Billy dying (I hate that word) for me to remember what I said. My friend and I became closer years before that. Yes, she was young and beautiful, but he was the one love that sometimes some people cannot forget, and some people prefer not to replace. Everyone's life is different and honestly, I wish she had found someone else to help and hold her. She didn't. She did not consider it. Instead, she remembers their last conversation was a verbal fight. She had to be with their grandchild in another state, cancer surgery on their newborn grandchild, she tried to call him but he had an aneurysm or some other thing burst while he slept. Her last memory was the verbal fight and she has never forgiven herself. She has her own business and she helps family, like I have to do, and we commiserate together often. She has her brother, who has cancer, she is taking care of. We talk so very often, we tell each other things we cannot tell anyone else because we both share the same feelings. I will never bring up the cruel thing I said 20 or more years ago. I did not mean it to be cruel, my mind meant it as a compliment because she was/is beautiful. Hopefully, the people that say the hateful things to us, hopefully it will play on their conscience as this did/still does on mine. I have no answers to say to these people. It makes me angry to hear someone could be so cruel, then I think about myself, and I would not say something like that to a new widow or grieving person.......................but I did. And like most of my other misdeeds, some come back to haunt me. I have a friend who has colorful things to say when mishaps happen. I suspect she is one of those people who would say these ugly things, but she would say them in a comical manner. My cancer was well over 30 years ago, then I had the colon rupture from the radiation. My comical friend told me "Who knew, after all those years that the cancer would come back and bite you in the A$$. Well, that is what happened and only she would say something like that and it was acceptable. I hope people have a big enough heart they will remember the ugly words and it will prey on their mind like mine did my mind and conscience. I'm sorry these things were said to you. I hope we can all be as forgiving as my friend was of me. I have to add an addendum to this. The infant grandchild with the very serious cancer got a graft from her mother and she grew up into one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She goes to a religious university and I believe her life is involved with things that she will be hired by large churches.. She sings beautifully. It was a horrible night for my friend to lose her husband, but the little grandchild was given a new miracle life.

The same Gwen. Psychiatrist counseling became my second thing to do. My first was trying to hide the feelings of my "punishment" for my sins, the second was going to one psychiatrist for 15 years, wondering how I could have done some of the things I was taught never to do. I think Rose Kennedy finally understood grief, and it is one emotion that has touched me in the past but not one that used a Mack truck to crush me. This time it did. Okay, I wrote another chapter to my book. How often can you say the same thing over and over? I can pretty often. I have deleted most of what I said, I just repeat the same things. Senseless. Word salad #too many to count.