Margm

Well Gin, moving into the apartments has made me meet lots of people. I like seeing them on the sidewalks, but again, I am not a joiner, but I do know how to be friendly. I love my daughter's apartment, they have games and all sorts of things. The grounds are beautiful and kept up. She has a tiny little kitchen but lots more closet place than her other place and when she needs to take garbage out, there is a chute to put the garbage in right around her corner. The grounds are actually beautiful, and we do have a beautiful swimming pool here that I will never use, but my daughter can. My granddaughter won't. Anyhow, I am around people that wave and I wave at all the times. No problem with a wave.

Oh Gin, I am not a joiner. I will go to the NH to see my friend that I promised to talk to before she went to the nursing home and my best friend through high school, like to have lost her too, so I do have to make plans to meet her and my other cousin and a few friends the same day. My son is the one who pushed me into this. I don't really want to, in fact, I don't want to get around people at all sometimes. Billy always hated crowds. He hated get together's and it was years before I could get him to reunions. What is so funny about that was he was the center of attention and was so funny, as is my son. But he never wanted to go, but was okay once we got there. My personality was just the opposite. One of my friends introduced me one time and said, this is not the same person I used to know, and I guess I did like to be the center of attention, but I lost that over 56 years ago and we go through such personality changes over the years. DO NOT LET WHAT SOME IDIOT TELLS YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO DO. You do what feels good for Gin and I will do what feels good for me. As it is, I have made promises and even though that person may not even remember me, I have to do it, and my son said so. And, Billy would have said so too. We do what we can, what feels best for us, but sometimes we do have to push ourselves to do something different. Go to a new church. We always had widows come to church and they were included in everything. Sometimes they were not widows, sometimes the woman would come and the man wouldn't. In our case, they can't. Do whatever feels good for Gin. Now to me, I just finished binge watching "The O.C." and it came out in 2003 to 2006, I think. I would not have watched it then for nothing. Now, it is finished and I miss that family.

There are no more Doc Adams, Dr. Gray and Dr. Garrett from my little town back in the 40's, 50's and 60's. They would even make home visits. Now I place them in the same bag along with attorneys. Shake that bag and whatever comes out can treat whatever it is that hurts.......for insurance and other funds.

Well my prize psychiatrist wore a turban. I knew he had the "smarts" hidden under that piece of cloth. That was back in the late 1970's. That one 15 minute visit bought me these words of wisdom. "You have to learn to love yourself." I don't think that swami said any other words, but I bought his book. Pamphlet really. But it took him only 15 minutes to tell me to "learn to love myself." And, it did help.. I damn sure loved my pocketbook more than to go back to him. I don't think he lasted long in Shreveport. Took Prozac from the time it hit the market until I coasted myself off of it years and years later. The effect it had on me was I had no feelings. No love, no hate, no emotion at all. I could not cry. I was a terribly cold fish until I started to live again. I would like to not feel any emotion right now, but I do. I would like to not hurt anywhere. I would like to not take the Miralax at night just so it will empty my colon in the morning, and if I am gone, sitting in the car for a long trip, well my temperature will go up that night. It causes a sepsis that if let spread will be the end of worrying about emotions or other people's life. I think eating myself to death is a form of doing myself in just as much as taking the morphine pills. They repossessed my sister's car last night. I just took her to get groceries. I got a letter from MD Anderson's Cancer group today, the medical records part to see how long their cancer patients live. You know, somehow after I was coming off the amphetamines (legal scripts) I wanted to die. Strange, a diagnosis like cancer can have an unsettling emotion on someone wanting to die, and we all have seen too much of that. Listen Gwen, give it time, right now you don't want to fight for your life.. One day you might. You don't think that right now but it is strange how emotions change, and everyone of us have been slapped in the head, stabbed in the heart and suffered year in and year out.. I still think of my little grandma, a person telling her how long she has had to get over my grandfather and her saying at 18 years, "it seems like yesterday." That wound does not heal with time, but sometimes if we let it, maybe Rose Kennedy is right, maybe we develop some scar tissue. I wish you much scar tissue Gwen. Again, my heart is with you.

I hate numbers Robin. I mean I have arithromophobia. But, since it is the 17th, I guess I have to count up and Billy has been gone 31 months today. I still cannot believe it. I see him in the clouds. I talk to him in the moon. I ask him where he is and he never answers me. I ask him to just show me a sign. Billy was not superstitious and somehow my miraculous, magical, mystical imaginative life disappeared with him. Maybe C.S. Lewis is right. This year I did see and smell the fragrance of spring, which I had not done since the spring of 2015. It was not a huge breakthrough, but I did not even see them last season, or the one before that. Little things. My heart is with you.

Gwen, sometimes I think maybe I eat because of grief, sometimes I think maybe I eat to hasten the end. I know my legs do not appreciate it and neither does my body. I say I'm gonna quit and I know I would not let myself get like this if Billy was still here. I am here to help everybody, but don't seem to want to help myself. My friend who went into the nursing home, she is in a sort of lock down situation because she will wander off. She might have an alcoholic dementia that put her there. This week they took her in and she was in a septic condition and was not expected to live. She is not Alzheimer's demented but we were losing her and all I could think was she had asked to see me and talk face to face before she went into the NH. I sometimes try to hide, I guess. I did not go and with this happening, I knew the guilt was going to pile on. By some miracle though it was found she had blood clots in her lungs, and they transferred her to another ICU and are putting a filter in to help keep this from happening. I think they call them a Greenfield filter and a lot of you have probably heard of them. They removed the breathing tube and she is responding. I just feel like I am going to get to go see her. It might not be that important to her, but it is to me. I don't know what my purpose is, but I come here because people are suffering and we all suffer in so many different ways. My heart is with you. Does not help, but it is with you.

Cookie, I used to research on Amazon the type of books Billy liked. Now, C.J. Box, as an author, was Billy's favorite, next was Louis L'amour. But, I had to keep his Kindle full and I had to be a real critique and read reviews, etc. He preferred the mountain men books and next old west mysteries. In choosing new authors, I have made the mistake of picking a couple that added sex into an old west mystery. Well, that would just not do at all. He would tell me not to pick that author anymore (they were usually women!!!) authors. So, we would remove it from his Kindle. He said too many sex scenes took away from the story line. Outlander author Diana Galbaldon is writing her 9th book to the series. I read them all before Billy got sick. I had concentration back then. I had to. The shortest book is over 700 pages and the longest over 1000 pages. But, I am like Billy, too much sex takes away from the story line. So, maybe in over 700 pages I might have read 600 of those readable pages. I would get into the sex scenes but honestly, I did skip many pages. I perused the pages, did not want to miss the story line, and I have no criticism about her story lines, other than that. Looking forward to her 9th, in process, no date given.

Put this in my Amazon cart. Gotta find my DVD player. It says for seniors. Need help with my balance for sure.

I think your exercise is plenty for you Kay. I don't think people do yoga so much for the exercise as for the "peace" it gives them. I don't know how that works. I saw it happen with my dad while he was a practicing yogi person, and know, if it could calm him, it could calm the raging fires of a volcano. I do not practice what I preach. I am sitting here with an Ancestry DNA kit my cousin paid for and sent to me. I have not even read the directions yet. I did not want to do this. We did my sister's and I am not curious enough to know that my folks all came over here and drove the Native Americans onto reservations. Mine won't be the exact same as my sisters but all my cousins had theirs done and not a drop of Native American blood in the bunch of them. I will do it, but spitting in a tube is not what I care about doing. Thus being........we do what we want to do for whatever reason we want to do it.. If we think it might help, we might do it, if we remember to. Until then, status quo, we do what we can do to get through the day. That DNA kit might open up all kinds of things, yoga might get rid of my aches and pains, heck, it might give me some sort of peace, but until I want to do it, I will stay as I am. Not against any ideas, just satisfied to make it through another day. (When I get off my behind, I am going to try the kind that is for the ancient people). "Horton: We must become invisible, travel silently, for there are forces that would seek to destroy us." Horton Hears a Who! (I love Dr. Seuss)

OMGosh, I was going to say that, I did not know it was a book. Way to go Tom. I say that as I apply some kind of patches to my left knee. Daughter gave them to me for Mother's Day and they help. They actually have yoga for ancient people too.

Well Cookie, I read all eight (if I remember correctly). If you go to Amazon, somewhere on one of them is my critique along with lots more. I complained that 25 pages dedicated to one sexual act was entirely too much for a 75-year-old. But, I have checked her historical facts (and though the time travel is hard to grasp, but wonderful to read), and she is spot on with the history. What was funny was another person reviewing the same book praised the pages of sex, and this was another 75-year-old woman. I hate to say it, but either my memory is terribly faulty (which it is), but I never remember 25 pages for one time. Too late now.

Kay, I also am afraid my body won't cooperate, but I am not a "joiner" and will probably watch it on a DVD, which I probably threw away 2-3 when I moved, but will have to order another. My hip bones were riddled with the radiation and I am probably lucky to be walking, but my feeding my grief with calories is going to work against me. I think they have it for all kinds, shapes, and conditions, even wheelchair yoga. It is just conscious movement. I listen to meditation also and that wax that surrounds my brain must keep the subliminal part from reaching my brain. I fall asleep about as soon as I take the breathing exercises. I did look at the DVD's offered. Free will, personal choice. Like I said, I am not a joiner, I would not go to classes. I admire Al Roker and know he has had the stomach surgery to help lose weight. My friend had it and then had to have a liver replacement, and then didn't make it, so I admire people who try things to help themselves. It does not work sometimes and sometimes it has embarrassing or disastrous results. I think Al Roker soiled himself on TV one time, but still he came back from it. He still is on TV. I admire people like that. Don't know if I could. I have not had that surgery, but like to stay close to my bathroom. My TV screen is not far from my bathroom.

It's on Kindle. I have 10 inch Kindle. It got all five stars, must be pretty good. I read the review. Sounds honest and straightforward.

Cookie, that might be the best suggestion I have heard yet. I know my dad was where my kids inherited their bipolar. Back then we did not know stuff like that, but my dad when he had a problem, he did everything he could to overcome it. He had the essential/congenital tremor like I do. He did not let it stop him. He led singing every time the doors opened and we had to sing, and we were Missionary Baptist, if Fannie Crosby wrote it, we sang it and he did not show any shaking because his hands and song book went with the beat of the music. In later years, (he only lived to 65), he practiced yoga "religiously." He had to do something. He lived with Mama, me and my sister, and I'm sure he had a lot to overcome........again, he lived with Mama. I saw how he conquered his emotions. My mom was a fighter. She grew up fighting brothers and sisters. I saw her one time slap Daddy three times. I saw then, and understood, how Daddy overcame his anger. He put his fists in his pockets (khaki's), turned around, walked away whistling. Used to puzzle me. My dad was a gentleman. He did not ever hit a woman, and that is why his hands were in his pockets. But, the yoga calmed him. He didn't even care if Mama made fun of it. He had a book and he followed it. I'm proud of you Cookie. We each have to live, and in so living, we have to conquer fear and sometimes just cry with grief when it lays on us hard, but we get back up and do it all over again. I think yoga would help all these darn aches and pains I have........and not eating so much too. I think sometimes I feed my grief and when I do that, it hurts my legs. Reading Dana Stabenow's last book (for now). I am caught up with C.J. Box. Not going to read Margaret Coel's last book (her 20th) on the Wind River mysteries. She said she was not going to write any more of them. I hate reading last books. I read the last book of Aimee and David Thurlo's on character Ella Clah. I grieved cause Aimee had passed away. Enough finales in our life. ADDENDUM: Ana, so it was you and Cookie both who do yoga. Double reason to try it.

Well Mitch, I did not think of how it sounded telling you to have a "happy" birthday. So, I will change it and say I hope you have as peaceful a day as you can under these circumstances.

Karen, I opened up the box with the plaque he gave me for 32 or 33rd anniversary and when I saw it, I just closed the box. Not visiting it again. And my heart goes out totally to you for your daughter. My son was shot and coded on the operating table the two times they tried to do surgery. They told me he was shot in the leg (I was high up in the Gila Wilderness in NM) and forestry service found us. He had to have so many units of blood I did not know him as we raced back with our blinkers on. No one tried to stop us on I-10 or I-20 either. His doc was one of my residents I kept tabs on when he went through urology so he talked to me on a pay phone at a rest stop. No cell phones back then. He had been hit in the femoral artery and had enough sense to tie it off with a jacket. (He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was on drugs). I had kept thinking how bad can a leg wound be. It was pretty bad. He walks with a brace and high boots because it tore up the nerves in his leg too. We came so close to losing him. Thank goodness (and I am knocking on wood), he finally got himself straight, but his liver, even after hep-C treatments does not work like it should. I once asked my daughters psychiatrist what can you do to keep them from suicide. He said, there is nothing you can do. Inside of a few months he had offed himself, so I guess he knew. My heart is with you still. Sometimes parents go through so much, and we have to live too. I don't think any of us can think of the right words to say. There are no right words.

And Joyce, you have done so much better than I have. I still have at least 15 huge plastic boxes with tops that I use for bedside tables, etc. Might never unpack them.

Joyce, Gin, I have only began to get into the pictures. They hurt, but it is like seeing the flowers this spring, it is not easy, but I saw them, the fragrance was real, I am noticing things I didn't notice before. People are different. Where I have my friends that keep up with me, I am back in my home area where I grew up. Coming home from Hot Springs yesterday, I have to pass by the old rock church where all my relatives sleep in the cemetery beside it. I had put flowers on my mom and dad's and my grandparents graves, they were pretty, but it is woods all around and sometimes winds blow them over. I stopped at a $ store on the way home. I wanted some kind of wire to make sure they were anchored. They had anchoring wires that came with them, but sometimes they don't hold good enough. For some reason, I found the section that had lawn decorations. There were metal butterflies with long sturdy anchoring poles. I stopped and put them in the flower arrangements and it is going to take a tornado to blow them over (which might be common in this country), but the arrangements looked like they had a big pretty metal butterfly resting among the flowers and it changes colors with different light. Perfect. This church below is in the country about 25 miles from my driveway, straight up the highway, might be a tiny bit further or a little less miles. Mine and Billy's plot is right behind my mom and dad's. When I was a little girl, the first Saturday in May, we (my aunt and mammaw) would go to this churchyard and another a few miles away and all relatives would make sure everything was kept neat and clean. Someone is hired to do it now. We would have dinner piled up on the boards that were attached from tree to tree. I have done so much genealogy that cemeteries are books of history to me. They do not scare me (although when I had cancer I would not even look at one beside the road, any road, any cemetery).

Actually, that makes a lot of sense Kay. If I am in an assisted living, a nursing home, or at worse/best gone for good, they can make money on what I have left or do like I did and let people come get what they want. It won't matter to me then.

Tom, our small city only has senior transportation. It does not have the things you mention. That is a total plus for you and anyone who lives in a big city. Don't know where I might have written my granddaughter is moving out. I consider any step she makes on her own as a win. She went to doc on her own, other counselor had said not to push her. I don't. She knew she needed counseling bad. She had a PMS (I call it) breakdown and she needs to take care of things. She knows it. But, I don't know what harm the biological mom taking the drugs might have done to her little psyche. She is taking baby steps, but, I will be here as long as I can when she needs me. Any step she takes alone, I consider a win.

If I cannot find any help, if I am sick and hurting, if I had nobody to help me in any way, if I got retirement, if I was scared each and every day to just plain live, I would be looking for me a senior living place. If my house was falling down around me and I could get no one to fix it, if I had no help from anywhere, then I would look for better living situations. My daughter moved into an apartment house today, rooms are beautiful, she has closet space everywhere. Tiny kitchen with big enough stove and refrigerator for a family. Good floors, good ceiling, good everything..........and a washer and dryer. I'm sorry. This is not what people want to hear. Dammit, I miss Billy terribly and he would not do anything I am doing. But, he is not here to help me and his memory does not fix anything that breaks. I might leave tomorrow. I might live five more years. I just don't care. I cannot fix anything that Gorilla Glue and duct tape won't hold together. Billy is not gonna help me. Still, I am not like other people.. I never was a homesteader. No home has ever held me captive. I did cry with that 28 foot RV driving away. I was not an old woman. I had dreams. We had dreams. Now, if I am the one left, and I am the one left, Billy left me, not his choice, not mine either, but I damn sure have to take care of what part of me is left, and I will or will die trying. That is okay too.

Tom, at the bottom of my linen closet in the bathroom are three huge folding stand alone folding boxes. I don't dare look. I have not needed anything in them in years and years. I should burn them, but I can't.

Kay, my Ford Ranger (had been my son's) was exactly like that except for the cover. Do you know I can back up, make a sharp backup turn and just pull on out. Nothing back there. I can see the back. I pulled out of getting my oil changed and backed right into a pole right in the middle. Could not open the back. Actually, my reactions are still quick. I don't know who put that pole back there but I did not see it backing out. Didn't hurt the pole. But the color of that Ford was a blue that looked purple. You know how I love purple. Have been tempted to put a long stem rose on one side of car and a long stem blue iris on the other side.

And yes, I do know it is my fault. I never taught them to swim, but I can throw a life support. My mom never helped me. I never learned how to swim, but I guess I do a mean dog paddle.

Now, if what I said makes you angry, I did not write it to do that. I wrote it to tell you, if you find you cannot do it yourself, if you have no family or friends around you that you can lean on, then you have to take care of "you." No clear way to do it. Gwen, sometimes we are left taking care of these things by ourselves. Sure I have family and I am so happy to have family, but in fixing my own problems, I am alone. You are alone. Your fur babies have as much sense on how to handle our problems as my flesh and blood "babies." Actually, we as women, we can be strong. Eleanor Roosevelt said "A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." I kinda like to think about myself as the "Earl Gray" of tea bags, and honestly, I hear your depressed state, but I also know you are a woman that is definitely as strong as an "Earl Gray" tea bag and know you can handle yourself quite handily. I hear it in your voice, I see it in the force of your fingers on these keyboards. Gal, to put it mildly, to put it in dirty terms, we both have had to grow our own set of "junk" and we can do it. I know it is easy to give up, but I do not hear "give up" in your fingertips, I hear "I am woman, hear me roar" So reach down, pull your new set of "junk" together and get help. You have a choice, either do it there at your house or go to assisted living. You cannot do that, then like I said, grab a hold" and you can do it. YOU CAN DO IT. It ain't easy (and there is someone on here that don't like the word "aint" but in this case, this old red neck woman knows it "ain't" easy.) I have my daughter moving into an apartment right now. She is texting this old 75-year-old woman what I have to do now.. She cannot do it. I HAVE TO DO IT. Kinda think I am going to need something besides "Earl Gray." See.........even at 75 with a 25-50 pound weight on our head, we still have to do it because we live.