Margm

Gwen, I always say if I can remember who is driving (me), I am doing okay. If we forget, we need to quit for awhile until we can remember again. I can sometimes be so stressed, I am afraid I will forget. It is time to hang up the keys until you remember. How do police call it? DUI (driving under insanity?) I understand what you mean though. Gwen, you have your fur baby, so I have no answers. If you did not, I would certainly entertain the idea of assisted living. If you have reached the point you cannot drive, contact the senior center where you live. I know there have to be more than one. We have them come by our apartments more than once a day and I live in a city of only 12,000. You might have to pay a token amount if you have it, those that don't have it are on disability. You might not want public assistance, I think I have heard you mention it. Perhaps you have reached a point if you can no longer do it yourself, you need to contact them. I know you know how, having volunteered for so many years. I know it is the company of the one person you cannot have that makes you feel this way. But, when you reach a point you can no longer do for yourself, you have to consider this. The sad fact is, we cannot rely on Billy or Steve anymore. If you cannot rely on yourself, you need assistance. If you won't accept assistance, then I have no answer. It is cold reality we face and it is no fun. It is not what we want.........it is what we are left with and we have no other choice than to lay there and die. I found out the other day, that might not be hard to do.

Karen, I am not a good driver and it is a lot easier for me to get out of close situations if I play "Antman". Back in high school on senior day I tried to take the rear end off the principal's car with those big wings things on back. I had a bunch of Volkswagens after that.

Billy took a car apart (motor) and put a new one in, but that was before all the computer things happened to it. To him driving a stick shift was "manly" and to me stupid. But, I knew how and was concerned when he went to the automatic. It was then he quit tinkering with the vehicles so our son has no idea how either. But get this, our daughter married a guy just out of mechanic trade school. He so ruined one of our vehicles we had to get rid of it or pay big cost to fix it. Rather just get a new one. She got a new partner too. Probably knew more about vehicles than the man did, but it wasn't a man. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh welllllllllllllllll.

Gwen, we do not know what other people have in their life. One friend a little older than me just lost her middle aged son to cancer. I really don't know what to say. Sometimes it is better to say nothing than something that is a flat vanilla without the alcohol. You cannot help them. You can say "I understand" and they look at you like "no you don't". It is their grief, just like ours is our own. I cannot understand Joan Didion not writing about her daughter's death when she wrote her husbands. She did write it later. She did not combine the two grief's. Even going through it we cannot imagine what the other person is going through. My other friend breathed a sign of relief that the cancer was gone from her husband only to have him sink into a dementia that he still gets around, but he is a baby again, has to be watched constantly. We can just hope for the best for all of us.

We cannot do that anymore Gwen. Wishful thinking, but factually, that is something that is left for me. Billy traded off my big truck to my son, before he passed. My son's truck was old, but my gosh, it was a long bed small truck. Can you imagine how many men looked at that truck and said, that is the size I have to have. Both trucks were paid for. All papers were legal. Scott had/has the big truck. I had the single cab with a little tiny place behind the seat someone might have sat in, but mostly used to carry things. I was at the credit union. Had my granddaughter with me. His girlfriend was at the doctor's across the street (naturally at a doctor's) and I could not take them both at once so I took my granddaughter home and then went to pick up by girlfriend-in-law, and knew that damn long bed of that truck was not gonna work for me. No thinking on my part. I do that a lot. I jump and don't think and one of these days I won't have a soft place to land. Truck already needing repairs, tires. I did all this. Then, an idea hit me, no thinking the reality of it, but I took that truck to the Toyota place, drove in and noticed a couple of men checking that truck out. The salesman (not my saleswoman), came up to me and asked would I accept ???? amount of money for that truck because they had people that wanted it right now. It was a good truck for a man but those damn telephone and electricity poles and sign posts always would not move out of my way when I wanted to back out of something. I hated it and I hated the big truck Billy had traded. We got a loss, but that was okay, it was family. Billy left. I got that damn truck. Only took me that one incident to find out I could get a car with a back end that I could turn around on a dime. Payments not very much at all,, made very good deal on that truck. One of those two men wanted it very bad. I'm happy for them. I cried cleaning out the big truck. Billy had loved it. Scott still has it.. He was down here two weeks. I got to see it a lot, no sentimental feelings. Now my little Ferris-Yaris, I can make short turns. Have not backed into anything. (I'm knocking on wood), and they take care of it . Small payments worth the 40 mpg I get. I can carry 4-5 people with me too. We are women. We have lost the best part of ourselves. Billy said the one left had to stay. I am staying. I have found out if I get myself in a weakened condition, I find I can see perhaps at most assisted living. Scared me. I won't do that again and won't let "them" do it to me either. I talk big. Now I have to act big.

You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It’s their mistake, not my failing. – Richard P. Feynman Tell me why you would discuss your frame of mind, why you would possibly discuss your grief with someone that will pile a 25 pound weight on your head and expect you to walk away without struggling. I told my sister I was having a bad day and she mentioned the word "wallow" and I heard no more and told her I did exceptionally well for an old woman with a 25 pound weight put on my head. Maybe my legs hurt worse, maybe the Myralax might wipe me down to just a weak person, but without it I die. Maybe I eat the wrong things, but they are on my diet. Maybe I am one hell of a strong woman to be 75 years old and take care of the things I have to take care of. I have taken control of me. People are not happy with me. I am sorry. What are they gonna do, grieve for this bitch I have become? Do not talk about your grief with someone you know will not understand. Do not talk to anyone without empathy. You do know these people. You do know what you can say. And, if you do not rely on them to understand...........you will not be a martyr, you will have no hurt feelings. Lie to the SOB's and tell them you are doing just fine, thank you. Unless you have a really Christian friend that wants to help you, do not set yourself up to be hurt. THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND. They will one day, I'm sorry to say and they will wander around in a trance wondering what they could possibly do to help themselves. When they do, be there for them. Otherwise, STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE YOU KNOW DO NOT HAVE THE LOSS YOU HAVE. That way you will not hear the word "wallowing" and after I got through with that person, they were praising me for my strength. I do have strength. So do you. It is there. I honestly do not know how long I will have it, but dammit, until that time I am a strong woman and Billy will be proud. I grovel to no one. (Except you people who understand, you, you, and you, and probably you too).

Tom, if I am counting, and I hate numbers, but this month will be 2 years and 7 months he has been gone. I honestly do not think I have done anything that he would be disappointed with me for, except the worrying, and he always got peeved at my worrying, and even if I kept my mouth shut, one of the last things he said to me was "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes." Could not hide it and he hated it. You are a man, and no matter how much we all hurt, how most all the pain is the same, but men have more of an analytical mind and if something does not work, even if some of us women do have some diagnostic purpose to our brains and bodies, in my estimation, you men have us beat. If Gorilla Glue and duct tape won't take care of it, I'm lost. I have kept a commode seat on now for two years. Never could do that before. Billy had to change it often. Not now. Gorilla glue where the screws go in has kept that sucker in place, and it will stay. It is wooden, so easy to clean. (TMI). Anyhow, if your house gives you pleasure, if anyone's house gives them pleasure and they can afford to stay.........don't worry about it. If it gives you horror and pain like mine did, get the hell away from any of it. At my age, I know if I cannot die fast and no more worrying, then there is a place for me. I hope my mind will let me make that decision. I have said this before but Joan Didion's husband (John Gregory Dunne) was at the dinner table and died from a heart attack. Their daughter was in the hospital with sepsis from pneumonia. Joan wrote "The Year of Magical Thinking" and did not mention their daughter's death in the book. She wrote about that later. I thought of Karen when I was reading it. So many with so much grief. We all just do the best we can. We-just-have-to-take-care-of-ourselves. ADDENDUM: And I have said this before too, I saw the flowers this spring, I saw the fluorescent greens to the trees with new leaves forming. I have not seen that in a long time, but I did appreciate the beauty.

I am different, sometimes backwards. I went to Hot Springs today. Had to get Kelli's car. I went to see Scott in his new apartment and I cried when I left. He has been up there 20 years this month. I am miserable being up there where Billy left me. But, down in this part of the country his marriage broke up and he lost his kids when they moved to California. He was into drugs so bad that his friends that stayed in drugs, they are almost all gone now. So, this part of the country is sad for him and his girlfriend is from up there. He will come stay with me a couple of weeks ever so often. I don't want him to be sad. Kelli has a wonderful apartment, better than mine, but she can afford it. So that is working out. Kelli is my daughter, Brianna my granddaughter. Hope things work out for her too. Wish things could work out for everyone. I have one thing I want to do, I want that monument set on our site with the names like I want them. I so want that before I go.. I want to see it. Yeah, sometimes I am cynical.

Tom, I am "different." I have to do things to protect me. I do not feel I am dishonoring Billy, rather I am taking care of me and it hurts me too much to be where we were. While this same thing gives comfort to some people, it bothers me. And, I did move.......fast. And, I bought things that we had not used together, just the bed, but I sleep on lots of pillows and the two bottom pillows have his two pair of pants he wore "everyday" and his Tee shirt, the beige one. It felt good to him and it was neat. So, I have him close. He never leaves my heart and I talked to him all the way to Magnolia today. Not our route. There is a country highway, hardly any traffic. Passes by our family plot in the big cemetery where generations of my family are planted. Down here in the south we have the honeysuckle and some other white flower that I don't know the name of, it has a fragrance that carries with the wind. We are expecting rain (had it on the way home), but the scent of those flowers followed me for about 20 miles through country that is mostly timber, occasional homes, highway all the way. Put flowers on my parents and grandparents graves on my way home. I was not sad. I was not happy. There was some peace, but conversation was carried on with Billy in those dark hanging clouds.

Gin, we don't like to hear it, but degenerative bone disease plays a big part in our problems. They cannot really do anything about that. We had Sally Field advertising a "bone saver" medication they had come out with and over the years with our bone density tests they have come up with new concoctions that will save our bones, but will it? Costs a lot of money, so at least we are saving Big Pharma. I thought it rather strange all my life I have been 5'2" and then measured again, I am 5 feet even. I am not going to argue age with them. I can see how my extremities and other parts of my body do not deny Isaac Newton and gravity. My poor Billy suffered so many years with degenerative disk disease all his life and what we thought was his back problems was foretelling the end of his life. We went to doctor twice yearly, he looked at whatever lab work involved his kidneys and the rest was overlooked. I knew him personally, we were friends and acquaintances for years. I had typed his heart felt death summaries where you could tell he was crying, that is why we loved him so much, but in this case, twice a year exams, watching only his kidney function (although full labs were drawn), I know he recognized he missed something. Possibly why we never received a bill. My hips give me misery, possibly because the bones were so radiated over 30 years ago. It just "ain't" no fun getting old, but some don't make it to this age. I don't know whether to be happy I am here or sad. Lots of sadness. Lots of pain, and I can only take Tylenol, but cannot take the Tylenol #3.

Billy and I separated for six weeks a long time ago. I saw him every day, I just slept in my RV at night in a place a long way away from the lake house I left him behind, to live alone. I had many "alone" nights to think about what would happen. It actually was the only time I had really been on my own. Kids were grown. One of my coworkers had found someone who liked movies as much as she did. One time I mused "how will I change my oil in the car?" She had never married, had been with many "boyfriends" but enjoyed being alone. She looked at me like I was a dunce and she said "you will take your car to an oil changing business." Well, of course, but I had not done any of my own thinking for so long, it was a totally acceptable answer to something I thought was a huge problem. Most of you probably have been "on your own" before. I went from straight depending on parents to depending on Billy. No in-between. I had made decisions on my own before, but I always had Billy to back me up, or I didn't do it. At the end of the six weeks he had started staying nights too so there was no separation. I had a strange sensation that I liked being on my own with a decision to make. Many years invested. I could have walked away. Still not sure of myself. I'm glad I made the decision to stay. He was my best friend after this. We could talk, talk as equals, not as boss and employee, or someone who was along for the ride. And I miss him so terribly. "The one left must stay" and I still get angry at that. I stayed, but I cannot stay forever. I did find out, women........or men, either one can live as one person. It is not easy wanting our partner, our other half with us, but they left us. Not on their own accord, but now we are alone, and I will go to an oil changing place to get my oil changed. Why not? Billy did the same. I did depend on him. I miss him. But, he left. Now it has to be "do it" or quit.

Gin, I understand completely. Cannot go places we used to go or traveling like we used to do. It is like it was "ours" and without him, it is just mine and I stay away from that. I hope your tests went well. I have not seen where you posted.

Tom, most all of Billy's involved crazy sporting goods. After I let various people take them, it dawned on me I should have given them to his nephew. Another mistake. I have had lots of mistakes. I looked at things yesterday, at one of my lowest moments, thinking I could "go" at any time and all I want is a "stone" that I pick out myself. I talked to my credit union and they fixed me an account. I cannot get into it until first of next year. Gotta hang on till then. Gonna try.

They had a home nurse and physical therapist come out a couple of times a week each for Billy, for such a short time, but they kept up with him and stayed as long as we needed them. We did not ask for this, it was provided by something, I am not sure what, Medicare? Maybe our group insurance. We did not ask for it, they were just there.

Scott and I keep in touch by phone, Facebook messenger We are in touch every day, or at least 4-5 times or more a week. He came down and stayed at least two weeks and I sure miss him when he is gone. Come to find out, I had not seen him since October, didn't realize that. In fact, there are a lot of things I don't realize and am not sure I care to be reminded. Honestly had a melt down this morning, not because of Billy being gone, just had to tell everybody I'm tired of taking care of everybody and it is time they all took care of me. Sometimes I read some of your posts and I worry about you, but sometimes also you can have so much worry put on your back you realize, Damn, I am an old woman and it is time someone took care of me. Billy and I have too many years involved in taking care of everything, we gave up so much to take care of everybody that sometimes when you are by yourself you get to where you think, it would just be so easy to just let go. Did you know you can get yourself into a bad fix if you decide to let go. I scared me. Billy told me when I was so sick that if I died the people left would be the ones that were left with the worry and that rascal had to prove himself right. Kinda scary how easy it is to let go though. My mama wanted to leave and that little spark of Alzheimer's in her brain would not release her. Cancer will kill a person but Alzheimer's will leave a spark burning in a useless body. And Life used to be a magazine. Kelli found an apartment and will be moved back "home" next wee

I cannot deny my parents must have had love or dependence one, he loved her for being able to depend on her his last over four years of care before the cancer took him.. Our pastor told us that the prostate cancer that took his own father, warned Mama of the pain Daddy was going to face. Mama got angry with him for warning her and perhaps it was not the most tactful path to take to talk to her, but she was forewarned, and our pastor was not wrong. He went through so much pain he had decubitus ulcers on his heels from digging them into the egg crate mattress for the weeks he was in the hospital. The snog machine used to remove the excess secretions, the horror of it all, and finally withdrawing any support but "comfort" care, which was really no comfort. She stuck right with him, but foremost in her mind was also taking care of herself. She may have had mental problems, she may not have offered love and cherished the moments with him, it was all business with her, but I admired her steadfastness with the hospital course, us all staying through the Cheyne-Stokes breathing and hoping each long pause would be the end of his pain, and she was so happy he had a smile on his face when he left. She did not hide from the horror, but she did take care of herself. I guess there was nothing else she could do. What I took to be coldness on her part I now see was probably shock.. I am reminded of my own feelings, but my feelings were not letting go, her's were not only letting go, but actually relief. I can now see why. At least Billy's course was short, pain great at times, but still short compared to his dad's and mine. We do what we have to do. We handle it the best we can. One of my friends just lost her middle aged son to this disease. Wish they could find a cure. They have come a long way with curing some types that used to be fatal. I lived through the treatments only to have the treatments attack me over 30 years later. I had Billy to depend on. We both thought I would go first. Then, you wonder why your here.

We were never to leave without saying "I love you" and this time I cannot turn the car around and make sure I said it, but I am sure he heard an echo of the one hundred billion times I said it over those 54 years, and the trillion times since he left. And "I love you Darcie," cause we don't say goodbye.

It's true. People in glass houses should not throw stones.

Thanks Steph. After 15 years of psychotherapy with just the diagnosis of chronic depression, with typing about all of the disorders and labeling them, maybe our ancestors did correctly. Just lock them in the back room. I can imagine I would have never escaped the back room.. I will figure all this out. I have been through a life full of Loony-Tunes, and it is getting close to refill for my own medication. Hey, it keeps me alive so I can keep helping. Damn, why did they quit pushing old people off on ice floes? Guess down here they would have to take us deep in the swamp and leave us. Sometimes I share more than I should. Sometimes I go back and edit. This is me. "Anyone who tells a story speaks a world into being." Michael Williams

Ana,, I understand what I did too and I forgive me, and I know he does too. He knew I could not let him go. No, we could not say goodbye, none of us. Went back and read your brave exit, not saying goodbye, and Darcie's never saying goodbye, and no, that is not something we can do. We can say I love you, but we can never say goodbye. My heart to you.

Frustrations of life.. I know I could not follow Billy. Right now I do not see why. Oh, I know I couldn't. I just read about a 96 and 97 year old, famous, I guess, people.No children. Both in congestive heart failure. He went in and told her it was time to go and they died within hours of each other. They were buried together. I am lucky, I have family, but sometimes I don't know what to do with them. But.............I will figure it out.

I know this sounds cold, but perhaps any of us could use the "life alert" apparatus, whether it is a necklace or however it comes. I know in these apartments, I have seen, them come check on people that they do not see or neighbors are worried about. I think they call it a "well check" and my son and daughter both have it at their separate apartment complexes. I will never forget walking to my front door (after I took the ear buds out of my ears) and finding the police fixing to break my door in because family had called my cell phone and house phone and could not get me. I cannot hear anything but what comes out of the ear buds and whatever music or other app I am listening to, to try to get to sleep, or maybe someday I might want to order a book read to me. Waking up to the flashing lights of at least three police cars and an ambulance was traumatic, but this was right after Billy left and my family was not sure that I wanted to live, so I can see their worry. At any rate, if we do not have close friends or neighbors to check on us, the "life alert" button, necklace, or however it is offered might not be a bad idea. No substitute for our mate, but might save us bodily pain or injury. Just a thought..

The reason I come to this forum is to get the wisdom and share the feelings with those who think like me. Now, even some of you do not think like me, but one thing we all share is respect for the other's grief. Is it worse than mine? I don't know, I only know how I feel and I am savvy enough to know that if you have spent 20 years grieving or 20 weeks, we are all in some sort of pain. Now, my family, they respect my grief, sometimes we discuss our combined grief, sometimes we laugh about what "Daddy" did, how he thought, the things he would do. Sometimes we all just grieve and we all share in the emotional diagnosis of depression. That is why I come to this forum. My friends, they are all in different stages of grief or "not" grief. I do not discuss it with them. I will not go back and visit my friend, the one who was so cold to me, not because I do not have empathy for her, but this is her walk of life and I cannot take the grief from her and cannot share her grief. He has been in the nursing home for months now.. Another friend my age went for a heart cath this morning. I see her Facebook notices and I know she is in pain caring for a husband she has nursed through cancer only to have him fall into dementia hard. Grief is like cancer, it hits the rich, famous, infamous, poor, very unfortunate people all the same. Another friend is facing losing another husband. I cannot take her pain off her. She knows I am here for her, but she knows this walk of grief already and this one might be worse than the first, or it might be the same. I think Joan Didion, the author, I think her husband died while they were just talking to each other. Some die all different ways, but, however, they go, the shock to us left is still the same. We are never ready for it. When they go we suffer guilt, abandonment, anger, shock, all the things Kubler-Ross wrote about that I do not like to read. Sometimes the truth hurts very much. The fact I was not holding Billy through his last moments will always hurt me, but in my crazy mind, I was not letting him leave. My mind was made up, I steadfast was not letting him leave. He left anyhow. And none of my friends really care to hear this from me, so I do not discuss it with any of them. No one understands me but some of you on this forum, and I am not sure everyone understands because our loved ones left in different ways. The thing we all understand is pain and loss. No one else understands that, so I don't talk to them.................but, I do talk to you, and you, and you..

Dear Gin, my heart is with you, but I know that is not what you want. I sure wish you luck. The hurting is a constant with me after the ruptured colon, but I cannot take anything but Tylenol. It is my lower back in constant pain, but I can only walk it off. Because of the massive amount of radiation I had so many years ago, the "innards" cannot be fixed. Nothing will hold a stitch and because of the damage already done, nothing else can be fixed. If I keep taking the MyraLax and don't eat anything I am not supposed to eat, maybe I can drag time on. I guess we all are living on borrowed time anyhow and we learn to accept each day given as a true gift, and it is hard to think of it as that, but we are still here and here we will stay until we can't. Billy was emptying the bag attached to me for weeks in 2014. In 2015, he and the bag both were gone. I live with the pain of both. No fun, just fact. Gwen, even if you "talk" to your "buddy" you will not educate him to the difference in empathy and sympathy, but honestly, he seems to not understand either. My heart is with both Gin and Gwen, at this time. Does not help heal hurts though, just empathize. Addendum: Funny thing happened today. When I get totally stressed, like my trembling chin and fingers, my voice takes on a new wobbly variation, clipped wobbly words. My sister wanted to know what was wrong. Honestly, I cannot help the voice shaking any more than the extremities so I told her it was a bad day. She mentioned the word "wallowing" and I told her about Rose Kennedy and our Grandma, and our grandma at 18 years saying it was like yesterday. And, she came back with a reasonable comparison, you wallow if you have broken up with someone, you hurt if that person is really gone. Yeah!!!! So much for that. See, my feelings are not hurt. Stand up for yourself against these people or say this "No, there is nothing wrong, I am doing fine." They know you aren't. Not your worry.

Do you know how to block email accounts? Please block this "buddy" off your list. Confronting is not going to help. Karma is a bitch. I know you are not religious, but there is something in the Bible that says "vengeance is mine" and I always beg him to let me watch just once. He has not got back to me on that.