Margm

I'm sorry if this day brings pain to many of you, to all of you. Actually, the physical act of taking one step without our loved ones brings pain also. Thank you to this forum from me.

OMGosh Tom, I would surely cry at "Puff the Magic Dragon."

There are so many benefits/maybe not benefits to being older. No one expects me to find someone else, although three of my friends did. Actually four. I am not lonely. I would hate to be with someone for companionship comparing them in my head to Billy. And, no one expects me to, that is the best part. I don't know what Billy would have done. I know my dad would have found someone else. Mama kind of despised men, and that kinda worried me. We knew she was not glued too tight anyhow, but she outwardly showed men her hatred and she didn't even know them. Poor Daddy. Poor Mama. I'm just happy my marriage was hard at first, confusing at second, and home run from third.

I know "Grace and Frankie" on Netflix is not a show everyone likes. I like it because the women playing the parts, and the men, are in my age group and the many trials and tribulations they face are so funny because we all have faced them. I know this is strange. I wish Billy had left me for a man like their husbands did. Then I could be angry at him but thankful he was alive. And those two men face things elderly men face too. One scene after Jane Fonda's character found out her husband was gay, she told him she wish he had died instead. This was not funny and all I could think was "no you don't."

I have said before, the high school assembly with Mary Collier singing the song from "The King and I" has haunted me now for 60 years. I have a hard time remembering things, but this memory is 60 years old. The singer is still alive and is elderly now, like me. But, I can remember crying throughout the song, staged with two "young lovers" and Mary in her old slouch hat singing these words to them. I cried at 15, and it haunts me for sure now. Hello young lovers, wherever you are I hope your troubles are few All my good wishes go with you tonight I've been in love like you Be brave, young lovers and follow your star Be brave and faithful and true Cling very close to each other tonight I've been in love like you

Doc asked me if I wanted a mammogram, then she said "No, you do not want anything done." That's right. No heroic measures at all. Remember the joke of the brain, heart, all the organs arguing who was boss and the AH (use imagination) said he was. In my case, he is. Give me pain medicine, he will show who is boss when all the other organs shut down. Life is so interesting. Day by day. That sounds so incomplete. Have to make plans. No plans. Day by day. Hope, I do hope my granddaughter takes a-hold and finds out what life is, and she has a lot of it to live yet. She knew the art of flirting in the 6th grade, now she hangs her head and walks past them, trying not to be ignoring them, just trying to be invisible. I'm waiting. We are all just waiting. Waiting for so many things. No plans. Hope for other people, but no plans for myself. Get up, do what I have to, go to bed. It is what it is. Possibly the ghost of Steve, the trying to forget things, maybe that is building scar tissue. How did Rose Kennedy handle losing three sons, a daughter that had a lobotomy without her knowledge, another daughter killed, her husband's many affairs, she went to her father and he told her she was Catholic and could not leave her husband. Then she outlived her husband. Scar tissue on top of scar tissue. How could she live to 104. They found records for prescription tranquilizers Seconal, Placidyl, Librium, and Dalmane to relieve Rose's nervousness and stress, and Lomotil, Bentyl, Librax, and Tagamet for her stomach And they limit our Xanax. Maybe that provided her scar tissue. I don't drink. I don't over medicate. Why would they hold back something that makes your life easier to tolerate? I can just float on so many clouds over a blue lagoon.

George, at first it sounded like you were saying goodbye. Thank goodness, that is not the case. It seems you have reached acceptance, and I think that is a good place to be. Sometimes storms block the path to acceptance, but finding it again is almost success. I guess we all feel................almost. You are a sincere person, I share your Christian views although I am not as strong that way. Maybe one day, but I retain my mustard seed. Please do not quit coming because your views help others........me too.

In Walmart today they were playing "Leaving on a jet plane" by John Denver. I, of course, had tears running down my face, red nose and all.

Lance, that is a good analogy. I think this forum pill helps us all. It was good of you to post and help us realize it does help people just by reading and empathizing along with us.

T.A., seems like that is how it is. Taking care of business the first year, somehow still taking care of business nearly 26 months later. You have come to a good place. Lots of understanding grieving hearts. They listen, they give empathy that we never knew existed because they are living through it too. Keep reading and posting. It helps.

Well, I would have never known. Thanks Kay. Hope the day was great, coming to the close of it.

Gwen, maybe I should delete some of the messages. I know how to send them, don't know how to delete them. I have not tampered with it.......unknowingly. I'm bad about messing with Netflix and do not know what I am doing and I won't try to use Hulu. Brianna knows how to do all that stuff. I record stuff I don't want and finally just have to get out of the whole shebang because I'm blindly messing things up. ADDENDUM: Okay, it was 100% full and it took some examining to discover that. I am so computer challenged. I deleted things. I have room in it now.

I have done things I used to do for myself, but putting a Band-Aid on a cut finger was one thing Billy did. Hooking up all computer equipment was another. I can pay $25 and my Suddenlink company will come hook things up. But putting on that Band-Aid yesterday, with my trembling fingers that drop things, that was difficult. I did it though. It wasn't pretty. I somehow managed to get the pad part on the cut. When I was surviving the cancer, having the neck surgery, and other things wrong, I usually went to the doctor by myself yet I remember Billy wanting me with him when he went. To that part, I am self-sufficient in going to the doctor by myself. Does not bring back memories. Grocery shopping, I always deposited him in the toy section (fishing-sports) and went about my shopping. Unlike a wandering kid, he would always be where I left him. I avoid the sporting section of Walmart. In fact, that has helped me more than anything, avoiding the things we did together. Some things I cannot avoid. I still cry. Gwen, first off, I want to praise you for volunteering all these years. I know you have lost very many patients, close friends you have made. This is one of the most selfless gift back to mankind that anyone can do. Your volunteering has to be appreciated and if it is not, then you write a letter to the parent company of the ones who are now administering care to these patients. You are a very important part of any organization and one they should appreciate more than the ones that are working for a salary. I am very sorry you are treated wrongly. Surely there is someone that heads up this volunteer program you can talk to. I worried about you because you said you had no close friends when your friendship is shared by many for 24 years. I can brag about friends that are here for me, but your friends are legion compared to mine. Woman, you are very important to an organization that does not have anyone as important as you are. I mentioned volunteering to my mom once and she said "without pay!!!!!!!!?" she was loathe to do that. I applaud you. You are a very important person.

She only gave me 30 Xanax for night time. Guess I might switch to Dramamine for nighttime. She gave me two refills but controlled substances need two month renewals. At least in LA. I won't go back to AR to get my refills, I will make do. They don't do any good if I take too many anyhow. But, she understands, I do need them forever however, long that is. She agrees. I'm okay. Gwen, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. We sure do not have heaven on earth here and we don't live happily ever after either. My son lost one of his friends today. That is two in about a weeks time. One was cancer, the other was liver failure. Had had hep-C like our son and his other friends had at one time. Our son underwent a year's treatment and it was tough. Like the getting off drugs, he kept to himself, had his own bathroom and toughed it out. We both fought for our son twice in those nearly 20 years we were gone from LA. I'm glad I had Billy then. It was a rough time. He came through okay though and now has to be checked regularly for liver cancer but does not live in fear. That's my job. No answers, no solutions, no quotes, nothing of substance cause nothing really helps. My heart is with you

My doctor worked on my problem so hard. Told me to my face that I scared him. I knew that to get followup care I needed to go back to MD Anderson where 32 years before I had been given the radiation, I needed them to followup my destroyed tissues between my umbilicus and bottom of my hips. This doctor, who had a terrible bedside manner, he saved my life. To hell with his bedside manner. He consulted and consulted. He considered treatments that I might not survive because I was 70. After he discharged me I was never free of temperature and then the process of the colon rupturing transferred to the GYN part and they told me they could do a D&C but if they found anything they could not fix it. Somehow the GYN exam took care of the problem I had from the colon rupturing. Temp went down to normal and has stayed that way until doc thought she knew more than I did and made me take an antidepressant. I realize I am not fixable period, so I work with what I have, which is still life. Knowing I am unfixable, so I keep with the low residue diet and take the Miralax each night. I missed one night and got dehydrated from what happened. I figured this was it, from the pain, then just common sense took over and I rehydrated, kept taking the Miralax and things have gone back to what they were. I have such huge responsibilities to family, to help them, that my death would be catastrophic to members of my family that rely on my help. They might have to find a life. I have a fear of my granddaughter finding me lifeless, like I found Billy. And he was one who "fell through the medical cracks" with two checkups and lab a year. Someone did not read his lab. Sometimes older people get the worse treatment. I know, I typed this stuff for 43 years. A discharge summary with three pages for a younger person and three paragraphs for an older one. We pay big for medical care that is so lacking now it is a nightmare. It is the old nursery rhyme that: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. Oh, and I have a 9:00 appointment with my PCP, need stronger blood pressure meds or lose weight. Hard to do on the low residue diet, but I can walk, so no excuse other than I am afraid I am going to hurt something that I need to keep control of. Fear is a terrible thing. I have never had this fear except the years I fought the cancer. Billy was my nurse for so many years. I know he faced my leaving first. I figured I would also. Grief equals fear.

Where is our "one foot in front of the other" gentleman? We never really made big celebrations and as we got older, we really didn't. Cards always (except my forgetting our 50th), I try to do everything different from what we would have done together. Have to go back to AR soon, hate to do that so much, but it is necessary and my daughter and son live up there. My son loves his apartment and is going to work security in the night a few days a month. His girlfriend is up there and after 10-11 years, guess they are family. Funny, neither can live with the other or stay for long periods together, but love each other. I think one or the other gets on the others nerves and home she goes. Daughter is searching, not hard, but needs companionship very much. Hope she can hold her temper. Karen, I loved it over close to the New Mexico border, Alpine, but most are tourist towns. I don't know about those mining towns. Funny, I can remember it so well. Billy wanted to go fishing on the Black or Blue River. I felt Escudilla Mountain was haunted and would not stay around it. The White Mountains are pretty. I hope you find a nice place. We stayed in Benson. Good memories.

Gin, it is the same old, same old here. Groceries. Meant to go washing clothes, didn't. Ordered my sister a flip phone so I can keep up with her. She has been having dizzy spells. She has had phones before but never would learn how to use them. I will put her contacts in and give it to her. She cannot get service good out in the country where she lives but if she sits in the big brown chair, sometimes she can get it. I live in a ground apartment and the apartment upstairs makes it where I can get spotty service in different locations, like the commode, and I don't have that one figured out yet. We are just plodding on. Fighting senility, knees, hips, but so far okay. How about you, anything new happened? I see Karen has answered, we will check on her.

I think that would make me question his experience, definitely his empathy, and his training, if any, for sure. I believe I read Butch's words after coming out from the hospital and he actually seemed hopeful. But then grief hit him where he could not handle it anymore. We all miss him, but on some level, I think we all understand and on other levels we wondered how one single person could take so much pain. Coming out of the liver biopsies, they could not control that pain and he (Billy) was out of his head begging to be shot, and we wonder how any of us can take so much physical and mental pain. The answer is, sometimes we can't. "They shoot horses, don't they?" I just read where one pro football player had lost four of his family to some disaster. It changes our personalities, we are not the same people. I had so much worry about family members and myself I lost my cool entirely and said "shut-up" to this child who will remember this always. At some point I think we all have a breaking point. Saying "shut-up" was my weapon of choice. I apologized, but we all have a breaking point. She has never heard me do that, she will remember, and I am so sorry.

Gwen, so many things can get mixed up in a phone conversation, or even a one on one conversation. These places have web sites that have "contact us" places to write. My main letter about the ER's treatment of Billy, and my son, I have not gotten the nerve to rehash it in my brain, putting it on paper. No way can I remember what to say in a conversation. Put the time you called, and the doctor's name, if you remember, or was given it. Tell them the length of time you have taken the medication and the lurch she left you in. Now, I don't know what you want to do with the volunteer position. You have done it so long, but somehow or other, I would think they did not want to lose their volunteers.. Write the parent company of the nursing home and let them know the years you have put in and how they are treating you. I believe my letter to my town's ER may have done some very much needed good. Maybe mine and hundreds of others.

I got a call today from the doc (her nurse) who gave me the antidepressant that really could have killed me (she knew my medical history) telling me it was time for my checkup. I said that I did not come to this doctor anymore. She said "she's not your PCP?" I said "you've got to be kidding." She just laughed, I think she understood. Terribly arrogant doc.

Allen and Katie, thank you so much. Nothing makes me smile more than a baby's picture. This handsome young lad shows happiness in each picture. We think of you all often.

I will mention Billy's over 10 hour wait in the ER, with him dying, with me going to the desk and saying he was comatose, and a women yesterday fell against her tub and blood was flowing everywhere, her illness.......she was old. They sewed/clipped her wound and sent her home. Again, her illness......she is old. You will find this most everywhere. I wrote the CEO of our town's hospital and told of my mother's stay in the ER, she was "triaged" and then left on the gurney for hours, I think it was five hours. My sister took her home. You see, her main problem is that "she was old." Did you know now you go into that ER and you are taken directly to a cubicle. You might wait a few minutes but you are interviewed instantly. Sometimes we have to take to our letter writing campaign. Emails work too. Please report these instances, report them just like you have told them here. I retired from that hospital Billy passed away in. It is still such a nightmare I cannot write the CEO, but I will even now. They did my son that way too and finally came out and said "I'm sorry, we have lost your papers." We were the only ones left and by that time his gallstone had passed and he was able to go to the VA Hospital to have his gallbladder removed. It had grown to his liver and it was good he went to VA. Sometimes you get better care at the VA than you do your expensive ER's. Please write and tell them your concerns. I do have to add, that same hospital Billy passed away in saved my life. But, Billy had called an ambulance. Perhaps my being so close to death and being septic had something to do with it. They knew Billy was terminal, but they let him hurt so long. I went to the desk and asked if I could give him his morphine. They said I could and he lay his head on my shoulder. He was so dehydrated...............oh no, I am getting into that part I am supposed to develop scar tissue over.

I know Gwen. I am sure mine will argue with me about it and I will just go to the doc I went to in AR. I know how to get off of them, but I don't want to. We'll see. Good luck with this. I think they will start treating it like they do opiates. Opiates would kill me. Not too many things I can take and if I find something that helps me, it is not like I have that long to live and if they can make me more comfortable, I don't see the need to quit. It is not like I am selling them on the streets. I only take one at night now, unless something happens during the day. I never go over my prescription amount and the doc in AR knows my problem and maybe the ones in LA have to answer for the prescriptions they write. I don't know, but this is my last refill out of six. This doc suggests long acting kind, and I don't know what that is. Fine with me.

Gwen, my terror is that she will come in and find me lifeless like I saw Billy at 7:30 a.m. on October 17, 2015. That scares me so much. I don't want to do that to her and I hope she can find something that will get her life going before that happens. I went without my medicine one day/night and the results were dehydration. No fever, no blood. I have been pushing fluids, but I know if I injure any of this it cannot be fixed and being a burden to someone is a huge fear. One day at a time. I've a doctor's appointment Monday because my blood pressure goes up in the afternoon and while I am worried about the "time bomb" inside me no one can fix, I forgot about strokes and heart attacks and I get so scared. Being alone, I know that is terrible, but being the source of something like I saw with Billy is torment. I wanted to be way off in the woods, way away from people, by myself. Maybe I am reverting back to my animal persona. They prefer to go off away from people. They are more humane than we are.

Well, years ago, (almost too long ago to remember) we would have heated debates also. There came a time though that his memory was as bad as mine and we would just say "well, we would say he said or she said, but in all truth and honesty now, neither of us can remember for sure what we did say," so we quit our debates. Not with sorrow or disappointment, but with laughter. We had a lot of laughter. Billy was a wonderful comedian, very dry, and knew what he was doing, I knew it, but people that did not know him did not know it. My favorite I have repeated, toward the last few months, before we knew he was ill, he bought a piece of plumbing pipe from True Value. Actually, had tried a couple of other pieces that did not work. (No, he would not let me call a plumber). Then he went in the door of True Value asking where was that man that sold him the "piece of sh__" coupling" and I watched the man slowly heading out the back door. I loved his humor, but not everyone knew he was teasing.