Margm

Tom, I used to read all the time when we were first married and Billy was jealous of the time I spent reading. No other way to put it, he was just downright jealous of that time that I wasn't paying attention to him. Skip ahead 20 or more years and his first books on the mountain men. I could not keep him supplied with them enough. Thank goodness for Kindle, and he stole our granddaughter's first Kindle, she was not using it. He wouldn't let her have it back, had to get her a new one. I had to join the Amazon book club because that man became such a voracious reader. I had to research to find him the kind of books he liked. (I enjoyed that) and would put them on his Kindle and print out a synopsis of each book. I found a whole sheath of papers we had paper clipped with synopses of all his books. I never got jealous of his reading, and sometimes he would not come to bed till 2:00 a.m. He would fix the coffee before coming to bed and when he woke up we would have coffee together. Honey and coffee. I miss him. One time I mistakenly got him a mystery that was written by a woman. Cannot remember her name now. Three names, one of the most famous. It was a big one and he questioned my choice, but he read it and loved it. I think she was Grace Livingston Hill. When we lived in the RV's they had a light by each side of us and we would both go to bed reading. I have finished all of his books that were still on the Kindles.

Gin, I would always leave Billy in the fishing sporting goods. I cannot knit, but he would love looking at yarns for tying his flies. He loved doing that. I stay out of the sporting goods section of Walmart.

Gwen, reading all of you younger ones, even those married over 40 years, I look at my 54 years and at first all I could think of was I wanted 54 more. Then, and this is my biggest "why." Why him? Possibly that is where "only the good die young" comes in. He knew the #70 for his family was either impossible to reach or was the end. Oh, I said we were gonna get to the 80's for him. So when it happened it was not so much "why" but "why him" and why not me. I After a few years I understood him, and he understood me, and I forgave him and he did something I thought he never would do, he forgave me and never mentioned it again. Oh, I did catch him looking at me sometimes, and I knew the anger look, but he overcame it. He was such a good person, so why him. I was not good, I was sick and should have gone first at least twice, so why not me? It was supposed to be me. That is my only why now. Even with my illness, I will probably live to be 110 cause only the good die young. Mama was 95. Proof.

Our first Valentine's day when we were dating I got a medium sized box of chocolates, heart shaped. He came in and an old boyfriend had sent by mail a huge, tremendously huge lilac silk box of candy with flowers on top. Really PO'd him. But, truly the best present he ever gave me was red sparkle plastic fishing worms put into heart shapes in a new fishing box.

And we are all there with you in mind and heart.

You answered your own needs right there. You (and I am not practicing what I preach), we need just some alone time. But, I don't want to be alone to "think." Thinking too much really gets me in trouble. My idea of a place to rest would be one of those cheap motels where the wind blows hard in west Texas off the beaten path. Maybe Clarenden or even Bowie, but just some cheap motel that has a big nice TV, nice curtains. I would bring my own sleeping bag, no bed bugs either. One of the cheap seedy clean motels and no one to know where I am. Pay in cash, change my name. Just a few days. I think you need that too (maybe not the tumble weed covered motel, but that would be more comfortable than a cave. We are told we need to have time for our grief. I have plenty of time for it. I was washing my usual five dishes for the day (that keeps the number of unwashed dishes down), and all of a sudden Billy and I were on Brushy Creek back in Arkansas. Nothing to make me think of it, it just popped into my head. If I don't take my Xanax, I dream of him. It has been awhile since I reached for him in bed. We all get hit at various times, seeing all the pictures of his sweet high cheekbones and beard just about put me back a couple of years. I think that must be one of those Waves Kay talks about. But, you have a lot on your plate, just like I do. It is the end of the month and everyone has run out of money and after I get through, so will I have run out. I ruined my credit, I guess, and it was good. The RV we bought before Billy passed (his idea), I cannot pull it, neither kid wants to live in it so I pay high insurance on it and the notes each month. I am not used to "letting something go back" but dammit, no one can use it and I cannot have it pulled and stored. I don't know what to do now. They did not give me any directions on what to do.. I feel like a criminal. I'm still paying for it and the insurance and will have to pay what price is left after it is auctioned. That RV was mine and Billy's future and I was supposed to go first. I didn't know what else to do. It was on Kelli's partner's land 175 miles away. Repossession. And the girls in the collections department were very rude to me. I feel terrible about it, did not know what else to do. I called and talked to them, told them the situation and asked their opinion. So, this is what they told me to do. Your a woman with a plan. You are going to be okay.

I went to bed last night with you two on my mind. Gwen, Mary Beth. I will do the same tonight. And Butch. And those we have not heard from in awhile. Mary Beth, I did not want to read what Marty posted. I quit going to the grief group because it was mostly people who had lost children. I was sadder when I left the meeting than when I came to it. We have those on our forum who have lost children. So, I was not going to read it, but I did. It scares me and my grown children have been dependent on us all their life. They have had to learn to fly on their own now, except for what I can do ever so often. My sister too. My granddaughter. If Billy was here he would fuss about my worrying. I wish I could hear him fuss some more. "We will not cease to exist if we grieve our truth. We will cease to exist if we do not." Right at the end, it meant the most to me. If you take us, one by one and read when we "grieve our truth" you will find many that are/were standing right where you are standing now. I don't think there is a "happy ever after" to any of our fairy tales. And, as bad as this stuff hurts, I think there will be times as long as we live when we think we cannot go on anymore. In between sometimes there will be snippets of distraction. Happiness? I am not sure some of us will ever realize what that means anymore. Maybe. Until then, we will wait. And we will go on because "we will cease to exist if we do not."

Good Gosh, my sister just suggested that I get my clinician to request home health come out and put me through exercises. Don't even say this is a good idea at all.. I can call myself old, but mentioning assisted living or nursing home to me, the me that is Billy, comes out. Watch Grace and Frankie. Not yet.

Gwen, I have "advanced" a little. I have one picture with our faces touching, looking at ??? but laughing, both of us, and we always were serious and mean looking in our pictures, like the man and woman below. I put it over his urn and it is what I see, a happy Billy and a happy me. My daughter enlarged it and put it in a frame for me for Christmas because it is the only one I will look at. Of course, I do have someone to do things for, and I get scared because I want her to be able to do things on her own without being scared. So many mistakes put on a child, a bio-mom on drugs and then, I won't go into the other. So, I have a reason to go on. I did not know I would be getting that reason, but I do not begrudge her anything. I love her because, and not the only reason, but Billy loved her so much. I hurt a lot, sometimes when I am alone I might cry and I keep paper towel roll by my chair because I do even cry at commercials. My heart is with all of us for trying to find reasons to make it through the day. I guess I can start watching Grace and Frankie all over from first season. They are so outlandish I laugh out loud, and there is a little bit of truth in their shows. They have aches and pains, and problems. Life is not a TV show though.

My daughter and son cleaned out the RV yesterday. A lot of Billy's fishing stuff was still in it.. They both said it was best I not know what they did with it. He was their dad, he is not going to use it again. I cannot use it and neither could they, so I won't ask questions or think about it. In leaving her partner, my daughter had to leave behind my mom's big sewing machine and cabinet. The partner will probably sell it. It is too heavy for any of us to pick up. None of us are going to use it and my mom was so proud of it when it was new. Beautiful heavy cabinet and drawers. I have no sentimentalism toward it. I should. After my dad passed away my mom sold all his musical instruments. I could not play them, my sister was her partner in the selling of these musical instruments. Some were worth quite a bit I would imagine, but my mom told me she held no sentimentality toward them. I have his Bible. My mom is gone, Billy is gone, they cannot use the things any longer. I gave a lot of his stuff to the sheriff's department's animal officer. I know that is not what she is called, but she was very happy to get his CD's and books. We had someone hear about our moving and he came and collected all that Scott would let him have. I don't want to know.. I have his cabinet full of the animal calls, and it is a pretty piece of furniture. I have not put it up, just like the boxes I cannot open, I am like a statue made of stone sometimes, heart and brain. What does it matter? I saved things I keep close to me. They hurt sometimes too, but if I don't look at them, just know they are there. He is not though.

Gin, Cookie, at the first of our marriage Billy was such a (I'm looking for the word), I cannot put what comes to mind, but he thought the marriage was 75/25, and you know what part was mine. He forgot important dates, (except his own)..........okay, the word is male chauvinist. (He also was such a kid still, and so was I). I would give hints about anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Our first Valentine day his sister picked me out a card and candy for him. One year our daughter picked out my present......and card.....for him. Finally, I got tired of reminding him. I thought, well he is such an exceptional father, he is a good provider (worked two jobs all the time), and I will quit hounding him with hints, etc. Also, I quit making a big deal out of his birthday and special days. Our daughter married and her husband was the worse male chauvinist I have ever seen. I saw her go through the motions I had gone through, and so did Billy. All of a sudden he became very attentive with special dates, but it was too late for me. I forgot to get him a card for our 50th anniversary. I was working and that special date just slipped my mind. I feel so bad about that now. He bought me so much stuff, but my new transcription job, in my home, took up all my time. Payback is a bitch, and I was one, but was not trying to pay him back, it honestly just slipped my mind. I took him for granted. Oh the things we think about after they are gone. Gin, I know this is a hurtful date, we all have such a string of hurtful dates. I'm sorry. Addendum: And we lost our mates on the same month and year. Another date carved in stone, literally. The pictures though.......I cannot do it. It is a knife to the heart.

Well, I don't want to read Xanax equals evil, for sure. I'm sure after this prescription they will try to nail that to my forehead. I will have to face that or go back to my Arkansas doc who understands why I need it. But, the looking up of stuff. I did not have computers back in the cancer time (this was 1982) and I don't think Google was born yet. I haunted my medical library which housed all the literature that was "out there" on any disease, surgery, anything medical, it was the doctor's library.. Every 15 minute break and hour lunch I was in the library. My doctor begged me to quit going because I was reading stuff I did not understand. This went on for months, then I found myself reading about my cancer in a rabbit. I don't know why, but that totally blew my mind. What kind of moron reads about rabbit gynecology anatomy and diseases? Just like that, I quit. Now, you are doing something that my granddaughter took up a few months ago. She would get so scared and the anxiety was terrible on an 18 year old kid. She will start therapy again, but just like you, she could not stop. And this was just wisdom teeth. Now she is into paranoia about someone hacking her phone and computer. I tell her we are unimportant people to hackers, we don't have money, no past history that is worthy of interest by a hacker and the amount of money in our accounts at any time of the month is not worth looking into. Do you like to read mysteries and stuff like that? That is my therapy. I don't look up anything and I really am a ticking time bomb. So, reading won't help me. I read autobiographies of famous people. If you belong to Amazon you can join the reading club I kept Billy in, and continued it. It is $9.99 a month. (why can't they just say $10???) Start using your iPad for reading books. Look up poetry (if you like that stuff) and then look up life's of poets and read Wikipedia on movies, famous people, infamous people. There are a lot more interesting things on the web than WebMD. My daughter hates reading, so not everyone likes books. Anyhow, Wikipedia is a lot more interesting about plants, birds, dirt, gossip, trees, all kinds of things but what we might have, or might not have medically. It is an obsession, and I have been there. I told you what broke mine, but I doubt you are reading about rabbit's anatomy.

Gwen, no enthusiasm, no "get up and go." No reason. But, I do have my granddaughter. Just made a mad dash to Walmart to get the thyroid medicine I forgot about. She did without it one day. This has happened before, but I feel like a total dumb stump. No, she cannot drive. I want her to learn. She is afraid. We are going for more counseling. Mamol has much fear too, but granddaughter makes me face it. How can I fuss?

Mary Beth, your note is one that really worried me. I wrote a long "word salad" to answer you, but then I deleted it, as I am prone to do often, because I have to ask myself "who do you think you are to try to help anyone when you have such an individually hard time helping yourself" and so I deleted it. Kay mentions the waves, and certainly that is a good analogy. We have to ride the waves of this grief and as afraid of water as I am, I have to stay on top of that wave or I'm a goner. There was a time I would not have cared to be taken under by the wave, and I guess that is the point of the whole thing. We have to take a day, another day, a week, a month, a year, and from 2015, this is going into year three, a number of months away yet. Cookie, I was going to write to you next and Marty filled in the blanks before I got to it. My knees do not hurt, I can still walk painlessly (for my knees) but my right hip gives me some problem. My anatomy from belly button on down to the bottom of my hips has taken all the radiation they can give a person. I (using my own medical knowledge) would imagine the bones in my hips probably are very weak and orthopedic doctors would tell me to just be careful and that is all they can do to help me. So, they are encased in a very firm amount of fat, but probably too much for my knees (which can be worked on) to carry. Of course I have the grief attitude of "what the hell" and do not do anything. I have to change my attitude to help myself. It is not impossible but at this time feels so improbable. Reading Marty's many procedures and her brave attitude toward physical therapy and keeping on keeping on, Cookie, I think we have a challenge to face, both of us. My cousin, who is my age, and slender, she has had many procedures to hips and knees. I ask myself..........can I be that brave? Like the stupid imbecile I feel myself to be most all the time, I have no answer. Sometimes I doubt putting that foot in front of the other. But, I still have promises to keep.................

Cookie, I think we probably both suffered our loss in 2015.. I see those numbers anywhere and to me it is the symbol of the devil as much as 666. Grief hits us all so different, but the blow that we absorb is the same. I think we all suffer the same, but the way we go about things is different......sometimes. I hope those with recent losses can read each of our notes at the different times and realize that we have made it going into the 3rd year from 2015. And the hurt, and the pain, and sometimes the question of "why" is said to an empty room. We don't any of us have answers, we all suffer from the grief, it is almost like being zombies. We are all dead inside, but we have to make some semblance of showing we can "put one foot in front of the other" although sometimes I just need something to catch me, to lean against before I hit the floor. I was getting the kosher salt off the bottom shelf in Walmart. It was stuck in the back of the shelf. I had to get on my knees to reach it. Then it hit me. "You have to stand back up." I couldn't. I grabbed the shopping cart and it would just drag me. When did this happen??? I was in a panic. No one was in the aisle thank goodness, because I had to crawl up to the handle of the shopping cart. Now that was terror. All my friends have had knee replacements. Mine do not hurt, but obviously they have a hard time lifting my behind off the floor. I do know things have to change.

I read a couple of worrisome notes last night on here. I answered with one of my long word salads and then when I read them, my only thought was "you have a hard time helping yourself, how can you be so grandiose that you think you can help someone else.?" So, I did what my "little bug-self" usually does and I deleted. Someone that is in such a deep depression, my trying to bring them to the surface of the water to save their life is just like it would be in the analogy, we both would drown, I cannot swim. I can write empty words, but I cannot help anyone when it is so hard to help myself. The onslaught of Billy's pictures today seems to help my daughter. They rip the scar tissue off of me, so I won't go to the social forum she posts them. She knows it hurts me, but it seems to help her, so I will just hide from the social network for awhile. On this forum, what helps one person does not help the next person. Jumping in to save a drowning person is noble, but foolish, when you cannot swim yourself. I admire all you people who have to shovel this snow. In Arkansas the roads would melt pretty fast and I would take my trekking sticks to be able to walk to the car if I had to go somewhere. They had the steps and porch salted down with rock salt. I finally got to Walmart and their salt was depleted except for kosher salt and I bought two containers of that. I resalted my path to my door and brought the groceries in. The elderly couple next to me finally got out and neither would brave the steps but went around the building. I hope climate change is not going to gift Louisiana with more snow. It was so cold that the drains that ran the melted snow off the roof froze into black sheets of ice. Take care folks. I have not looked at the news, but I hope the government opens up for all those that won't get paid. Such a calamity.

George, it is so good to see we have good people in this world. Wish more people would report good things like that on the news. We have got to where we are afraid to see some famous person is "pending" for news.. Good to hear good news about your dad too. Now, go rest up and take care of yourself.

Allen is a wonderful son. I'm so glad he kept in touch with us. I feel totally inept in answering with words that are empty. Just know we are here when you want to talk In the note Marty gave you/us to read this sticks out to me. "Because, guess what? Hard is the only choice we have, the only choice we were given. It’s do you want hard, or hard? Either we find a way, or we give up, right? And giving up isn’t an option." We are here Butch, but I know you get help from your therapy also.

One of my friends is in the ER right now, did have the flu, think it is pneumonia now. She is early 50's. Where is this stuff coming from? Please be careful y'all. I was getting my granddaughter's prescription for iron (she is anemic), the woman in front of me coughed and unlike me, it unnerved me.

Exactly.

Ana, I opened one box, saw something that speared me in the heart, and have not opened anymore. I have one box marked "linens" and I bought all new ones so I have not even opened it. I might never be able to. I have gotten used to the big plastic boxes with tops that are clipped on, as furniture. I'm fine with that. Addendum: There is always the option to give what is in the boxes to people in need. To do that I would have to sort through them. I'm not ready for that.

I have some friends that are recovering from the flu. One a nurse who went back to work too soon. They are having difficulty after the fever has gone, so I think it is important to follow the same regimen that you followed while you were ill. It is just going to take time. One of my friend's family is in ICU right now with breathing difficulties from the residuals of this "flu" that they are calling it. People are having to make a living so they go back to work too soon. This is something I have no answer for. I remember having it one year and the cough would not leave. The hydrocodone cough syrup helped, but I was afraid to call for a refill. It lasted longer than that one bottle. So, I filled the bottle with peach brandy and when I coughed at work I would take a swig of my "cough syrup." No one was the wiser and I enjoyed my job much more also.

Okay, I'm not used to snow. I could hardly see my little Yaris. I scraped some of the windshield front and back and backed it up (blindly) to the curb across from me in the sun and hopefully it will do the rest. I'm no longer a kid. There was enough snow on that car to make Billy the Kid gallons of snow ice cream. It was light and powdery and opening the doors (strangely easy to do), the powder sifted onto the seats. My poor cousin moving from her plantation style home over to the east of where I now live (they had it built to look like the old plantations) and moving off of Lake Michigan. But, I'm sure they had a garage to keep their cars in. My poor little Ferris Yaris. I'm sorry, I'm glad I left Arkansas and that is as far north as I want to go. I lost all of my nomad instincts when Billy left. Strange.

I'm sorry you have been ill. So many of my friends have had this flu also. I believe my son was one of the first around me to have this flu and it put him down for quite a few days. His cough seemed to stay for a very long time and now he is well again. Other friends have it also. All of our immunity is impaired so everyone, please be careful out there. We still have snow on the ground (we are in the very northern part of Louisiana, but I saw pictures where New Orleans (over 300 miles away, south) So, I guess no place is safe from this cold, maybe our friends in Florida and south Texas, Arizona and New Mexico. You all be careful out there. If the flu bug is going to find us though, I guess no place is safe. It is good to know your immune system kicked in George and hope the weather slows down to protect your job. It seems your flu came at a slow down in your job, so I wish you good health.

And I always felt my "inner Avalon" would be some seedy motel in some little town in West Texas with tumbleweeds covering one whole side, a good TV, a bed with no bedbugs and just alone time where no one knew where I was, signed in with a false name, paying cash, car hid by the tumbleweeds, but I somehow knew someone would find me. And then my inner Avalon was replaced by my inner demon and knew I had to be there because people still needed me. I didn't want to be needed. It is what it is. Neutral Zone – a seemingly unproductive “time-out” when we feel totally disconnected from people and things in the past and emotionally unconnected to the present That is something I understand.